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Season 24, Episode 1 — The Edible Arrangement
♪ It seems today That all you see ♪
#1
⇓
♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪
#2
⇓
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
⇓
[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
#6
⇓
♪ All the things That make us ♪
#7
⇓
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
⇓
[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
⇓
Welcome to Quahog's first recreational dispensary.
#10
⇓
Now, as you all know, I was against this.
#11
⇓
I fought it tooth.
#12
⇓
Maybe I should've also fought it nail.
#13
⇓
But that time is gone.
#14
⇓
[crowd exclaiming]
#15
⇓
Settle down. There's enough drugs for everybody.
#16
⇓
Wow, Quahog has a lot more white guys
#17
⇓
with blond dreadlocks than I thought.
#18
⇓
-Mmm. -And a fair number of Black ladies
#19
⇓
with the blond dreadlocks guys.
#20
⇓
Cleveland, what do you think--
#21
⇓
We don't like to talk about it, Peter.
#22
⇓
It's a big problem in our community.
#23
⇓
It's just, you should know, in the white community,
#24
⇓
these guys are kind of considered, like, big time rascals.
#25
⇓
We're aware. It's being handled.
#26
⇓
There was just a big Zoom about it.
#27
⇓
-Maybe you could-- -We're gonna go ahead
#28
⇓
and deal with this one in-house.
#29
⇓
How ya doin'?
#30
⇓
There is a plan.
#31
⇓
That's all I need to know.
#32
⇓
Is that Cinnamon Toast Crunch in witness protection when I'm at breakfast?
#33
⇓
[knocking at door]
#34
⇓
Susie and I saw you unloading groceries
#35
⇓
and wanted to let you know
#36
⇓
if you need to borrow reusable bags, I have a bunch.
#37
⇓
And, you know, you can't soak cast iron skillets, right?
#38
⇓
It strips the seasoning.
#39
⇓
Oh, Mrs. S is throwing haymakers.
#40
⇓
-It's not soaking. I'm cooking water. -[slams]
#41
⇓
Oreos! Here we go, baby!
#42
⇓
[whines] I want Oreos!
#43
⇓
[whining]
#44
⇓
Hey, they're just Oreos. Relax.
#45
⇓
Besides, they're not for babies.
#46
⇓
They're for rewarding good behavior
#47
⇓
in developmentally slow adults.
#48
⇓
[cell phone chimes]
#49
⇓
-[keyboard clacking] -[beeps]
#50
⇓
So then I was like,
#51
⇓
"What if I've also been the mailman the whole time?"
#52
⇓
Yeah, you were saying that in the car.
#53
⇓
I know, but you didn't respond.
#54
⇓
Let's, uh... Let's lock these guys up in the cabinet for a while, huh?
#55
⇓
Yeah, I think that would be best.
#56
⇓
[♪ suspenseful music playing]
#57
⇓
[clicking]
#58
⇓
[creaks]
#59
⇓
Bingo.
#60
⇓
Oh, baby. Bonus candy.
#61
⇓
Mmm. Not really feeling the sugar rush.
#62
⇓
[♪ dreamy music playing]
#63
⇓
I can feel my heartbeat in my eyes.
#64
⇓
Good idea, Rupert. Music will help me relax.
#65
⇓
[♪ "The Wheels On The Bus" playing]
#66
⇓
Okay, this is good. This is helping.
#67
⇓
[singer laughs]
#68
⇓
♪ The wheels bus on the bus go 'round and 'round ♪
#69
⇓
Why should I be afraid of dying?
#70
⇓
Wait, what?
#71
⇓
♪ With a lunatic on the grassy ground ♪
#72
⇓
[laughs maniacally]
#73
⇓
♪ If you hear the lunatics howl ♪
#74
⇓
[howls]
#75
⇓
♪ The wheels on the bus may start to growl ♪
#76
⇓
♪ The lunatic is in my head ♪
#77
⇓
♪ And very soon we'll all be... ♪
#78
⇓
Dead.
#79
⇓
I wonder if this is why Ben and Jerry started making ice cream.
#80
⇓
[indistinct chatter]
#81
⇓
Hey, grab your lunches. I know a spot.
#82
⇓
I think I may take a gap year.
#83
⇓
You know, hit the road.
#84
⇓
There's something I've been searching for for a while that I need to find.
#85
⇓
A little guy named Stewie Griffin.
#86
⇓
Can... can you hear any of this?
#87
⇓
I'm not even trying to listen anymore.
#88
⇓
I'm thinking about soccer.
#89
⇓
Guys, what are you doing up here?
#90
⇓
Big no-no. The roof is off limits.
#91
⇓
Stewie, are you... high?
#92
⇓
Yeah. So are you. We're on the roof.
#93
⇓
[laughs] Okay, I heard that.
#94
⇓
That was funny.
#95
⇓
[announcer on TV] We now return to a Dateline with a beloved town dentist.
#96
⇓
-He did it. It was him. -[knocking at door]
#97
⇓
Peter, we got a big problem.
#98
⇓
It appears Stewie was high on pot at school.
#99
⇓
Excuse me for one second.
#100
⇓
Lois! Someone's at the door for you.
#101
⇓
Joe, why do you have Stewie?
#102
⇓
I'm sorry to tell you this, Lois,
#103
⇓
but apparently, Stewie was high at school.
#104
⇓
-What? -It's the worst thing
#105
⇓
I've seen in my career.
#106
⇓
And I've seen four dead bodies.
#107
⇓
Though technically, that was a zip-lining accident in Costa Rica.
#108
⇓
-O... okay. -Maybe not the best idea
#109
⇓
having 13-year-olds securing those carabiners.
#110
⇓
-Joe, I-- -They wouldn't let me
#111
⇓
bring my own camera on the zip-line.
#112
⇓
Odd, right?
#113
⇓
Well, turns out they just want to sell you their photos.
#114
⇓
I'll take it from here, Joe. Thanks for bringing him home.
#115
⇓
This is a serious offense, Lois.
#116
⇓
I have a court order to remove him from your custody.
#117
⇓
What? No. Please!
#118
⇓
I'm sorry, Lois.
#119
⇓
[crying] No!
#120
⇓
My baby! Please!
#121
⇓
I gotta keep Stewie entertained, so I'm gonna need your iPad.
#122
⇓
What?
#123
⇓
[crying] No! My baby! Please!
#124
⇓
Hey, what's gonna happen with Stewie?
#125
⇓
Well, he's at the Swansons until I complete
#126
⇓
court-ordered online parenting classes.
#127
⇓
Throwing this out there.
#128
⇓
If you want a new baby in six months, let me know.
#129
⇓
You gotta tell me within five months.
#130
⇓
Eh, five-and-a-half max.
#131
⇓
So, Stewie, I know your dad is a pretty funny guy,
#132
⇓
but I'm kind of the "your dad" around here.
#133
⇓
Yeah, Pops doesn't really talk about being funny. He just is.
#134
⇓
Yeah, Stewie, comedy's pretty big in this house, too.
#135
⇓
In fact, I recently submitted a packet to get into the Capitol Steps.
#136
⇓
Nobody knows what that is, Joe.
#137
⇓
They're pretty well known in the political satire, off-center comedy world.
#138
⇓
Anybody here know if Tip O'Neill is a generous tipper? [laughs]
#139
⇓
I make a bit of hay about that in the packet.
#140
⇓
Tip O'Neill's been dead since 1994.
#141
⇓
[cell phone chimes]
#142
⇓
Voicemail from the Capitol Steps!
#143
⇓
[Clarkey] Hey, Joe, this is Clarkey.
#144
⇓
So sorry, but we're gonna pass.
#145
⇓
We're looking for someone more off-center, more skewed, if that makes sense?
#146
⇓
That's what I am!
#147
⇓
There's plenty of other comedy groups.
#148
⇓
Oh, really?
#149
⇓
[screams] Like the Capitol "freaking" Steps? [panting]
#150
⇓
-What about-- -If you say the words
#151
⇓
"Ocean State Follies,"
#152
⇓
I swear to God, I'll empty my bag all over the floor.
#153
⇓
Meg, please, I really need the laptop.
#154
⇓
I'm just about done with my parenting classes,
#155
⇓
and then I can get Stewie back.
#156
⇓
One sec. I gotta finish this mandatory
#157
⇓
sexual harassment course today,
#158
⇓
or I'm not allowed around the janitors.
#159
⇓
[automated voice] True or false. It's okay to slap a man's bottom
#160
⇓
if he knows you.
#161
⇓
That's got to be true.
#162
⇓
-[automated voice] False. -I'm done.
#163
⇓
Thanks, Meg.
#164
⇓
This has been so hard for me.
#165
⇓
A mama just can't be separated from her kiddos.
#166
⇓
Well, I'm off to Denver with the guy from the magic shop.
#167
⇓
Okay. See you at dinner.
#168
⇓
Only if you're in the greater Denver area there, Hoss.
#169
⇓
I'm just gonna give you the "title" of the sketch.
#170
⇓
It's called "The Dan Quayle Spelling Bee."
#171
⇓
The jokes write themselves.
#172
⇓
-Do one. -[doorbell rings]
#173
⇓
Here it is. I'm done with my parenting class.
#174
⇓
Where's my baby?
#175
⇓
I'm happy for you, Lois, but don't let this happen again.
#176
⇓
We ran out of diapers, so he's wearing a Walgreens bag.
#177
⇓
Oh, Stewie. I am so happy to have you back.
#178
⇓
Momma's never gonna let anything like this happen again, okay?
#179
⇓
This place is a nightmare.
#180
⇓
They don't even have a xylophone on a string that you can drag behind you.
#181
⇓
[squeaking]
#182
⇓
Well, if nobody's next, I guess I'll just go again.
#183
⇓
[squeaking]
#184
⇓
[chimes]
#185
⇓
Now that Stewie is back, we're gonna have some new rules to keep us safe.
#186
⇓
First, it is no longer sufficient for our pet to look after our baby.
#187
⇓
Probably... probably the right call.
#188
⇓
Second, kids' bedroom doors are not allowed to be closed all the way.
#189
⇓
I am happy to do this,
#190
⇓
but I need you to be absolutely sure you've thought it out.
#191
⇓
You don't win this one, Mom.
#192
⇓
I'm striking that last rule.
#193
⇓
We are gonna start using the buddy system.
#194
⇓
If you leave, you go with your buddy.
#195
⇓
You're okay with all these rules, Dad?
#196
⇓
Sorry, bud, but I agree with Mom on this stuff.
#197
⇓
I learned a lot from the dad's version of the parenting classes.
#198
⇓
[commentator] He took a run at Stefan there,
#199
⇓
and now it's all breaking loose.
#200
⇓
I also do dishes on holidays.
#201
⇓
Okay, Stewie, Mom says no more screen time, so I'm gonna read you a book.
#202
⇓
This one is called "There's a Monster at the End of this Book."
#203
⇓
[both scream]
#204
⇓
Peter? Stewie? Wh... where'd you guys go?
#205
⇓
Lois, you need to, very carefully,
#206
⇓
remove that book from this room.
#207
⇓
Why bring it into the house?
#208
⇓
Why take that chance?
#209
⇓
Peter, enough. Read to Stewie.
#210
⇓
I'm an introvert. I gotta recharge.
#211
⇓
You know the rules.
#212
⇓
One of us has to be with him at all times.
#213
⇓
Ugh, I can't live with all these rules.
#214
⇓
Why does Meg get to live her best life in Denver?
#215
⇓
[♪ dramatic music playing]
#216
⇓
Um, Congresswoman Boebert, could you please stop touching me there?
#217
⇓
I'm a woman. My pants are just bunched up.
#218
⇓
If I'm going to live under Lois's rule,
#219
⇓
I've got to take a little mental escape.
#220
⇓
Brian's gotta have some loose gummies in here somewhere.
#221
⇓
Oh, Bri, you beautiful scumbag.
#222
⇓
Ooh, sativa.
#223
⇓
That means nothing to me or anyone.
#224
⇓
Whoa.
#225
⇓
Peter? Where are you?
#226
⇓
Relax. I just went to the bathroom.
#227
⇓
Relax? Stewie is unattended in front of the TV.
#228
⇓
He could easily turn into something terrible,
#229
⇓
like Paramount+.
#230
⇓
Lois, you got to relax.
#231
⇓
What would Dr. Cosby do in this situation?
#232
⇓
You put the plop in the drink go fizz-fizz
#233
⇓
and make her go sleepidy floppity floo.
#234
⇓
Of course. Thank you, Dr. Cosby.
#235
⇓
[pops and fizzes]
#236
⇓
May I go to the bathroom, Warden?
#237
⇓
You just went.
#238
⇓
I do different stuff every time!
#239
⇓
Mmm.
#240
⇓
This chewy Zin is excellent.
#241
⇓
It's close to hitting that corner.
#242
⇓
Yeah, it's gonna hit it on the next one.
#243
⇓
[♪ intriguing music plays]
#244
⇓
You can talk?
#245
⇓
You can understand me?
#246
⇓
Oh, I've been waiting a long time to say this.
#247
⇓
Here goes.
#248
⇓
Please stop buying the cheap baby wipes. They tear me up.
#249
⇓
Oh, great. Your first words to me are a grocery critique.
#250
⇓
Hey, guess what?
#251
⇓
I think Baby Shark is a terrible song.
#252
⇓
And Dora sucks.
#253
⇓
[chuckles] All right.
#254
⇓
We've clearly gotten off on the wrong foot here.
#255
⇓
Let's start over.
#256
⇓
Hi, Stewie Griffin.
#257
⇓
I just... I can't believe you can talk.
#258
⇓
Not only can I talk...
#259
⇓
♪ I am the very model of a modern major general ♪
#260
⇓
♪ I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral ♪
#261
⇓
♪ I know the kings of England and I quote the fight historical ♪
#262
⇓
♪ From Marathon to Waterloo In order categorical ♪
#263
⇓
[chuckling]
#264
⇓
I love this.
#265
⇓
Did Peter do this once?
#266
⇓
Eh, he... he mumbled his way through it, but yeah.
#267
⇓
I don't understand how we're talking.
#268
⇓
Probably because we're both zonked?
#269
⇓
[blows raspberry] I would never do that in front of my baby.
#270
⇓
Okay, then tell me something about the Dave Matthews Band.
#271
⇓
Carter Beauford is the best drummer of his genera--
#272
⇓
Oh, my God, I am zonked.
#273
⇓
So, I, uh, found some gummies in Bri's car and dosed us both.
#274
⇓
-Are you mad? -Well, I should be,
#275
⇓
but this is kind of awesome.
#276
⇓
I'm talking to my baby.
#277
⇓
Honestly, if I were you, I'd do this all the time.
#278
⇓
You put up with a lot.
#279
⇓
[sighs] Really? You think so?
#280
⇓
I mean, yes. Look at Peter.
#281
⇓
He treats you like garbage and does zero to help out.
#282
⇓
Why do you let him do that?
#283
⇓
Oh, you are getting right in there.
#284
⇓
It's tough, you know.
#285
⇓
You commit to somebody for life
#286
⇓
when you're, like, 19, and you know nothing.
#287
⇓
Damn. Yeah.
#288
⇓
And it may be hard to believe, but when he was 19,
#289
⇓
Peter was stunning.
#290
⇓
I mean, weirdly, I can see it.
#291
⇓
Besides, he... he's gonna be dead in a couple of years, anyway.
#292
⇓
By then, my trust fund will vest,
#293
⇓
and I'm gonna be playin' in a whole different league.
#294
⇓
Oh, that's good. Okay, good, you got a plan.
#295
⇓
That's... that's cool. That's cool.
#296
⇓
[♪ soft jazz music playing]
#297
⇓
Hey, what's the story with Chris?
#298
⇓
It just doesn't seem like he's...
#299
⇓
How do I say this?
#300
⇓
...thriving, you know?
#301
⇓
I fell down an escalator when I was pregnant with him.
#302
⇓
He totally has an escalator head vibe.
#303
⇓
[chuckles] Yeah.
#304
⇓
We tried to sue the mall, but then the mall just closed.
#305
⇓
Remember malls?
#306
⇓
You know Brian loves you, right?
#307
⇓
Yeah, I know.
#308
⇓
No, like, he really loves you.
#309
⇓
I know, I know.
#310
⇓
I don't quite know how to handle it,
#311
⇓
but, aw, he's such a good boy.
#312
⇓
And he'll be dead in a couple of years so...
#313
⇓
[both laughing]
#314
⇓
[chuckles] You... you are one twisted lady.
#315
⇓
You should try out for the Capitol Steps.
#316
⇓
-What's that? -I don't know. It's weird at the Swansons.
#317
⇓
Oh, my God. What if we did an adventure together?
#318
⇓
Oh, yes. I know the perfect thing for this vibe.
#319
⇓
Watch The Big Lebowski at a small theater by a college.
#320
⇓
Okay. [giggles]
#321
⇓
-Do you think I'll like it? -You'll think it's fine.
#322
⇓
All women think it's fine.
#323
⇓
Huh. Wouldn't you think John Goodman would be the Big Lebowski?
#324
⇓
Whoa, yeah. Oh, that's good.
#325
⇓
I have a million of these thoughts a day.
#326
⇓
Who am I supposed to tell 'em to? Freakin' Bonnie?
#327
⇓
Can I... Can I say something?
#328
⇓
Bonnie's not pretty enough to be as mean as she is.
#329
⇓
Yes! That. That.
#330
⇓
I'm really enjoying being on drugs with you.
#331
⇓
I don't know why people say drugs are bad.
#332
⇓
Oof. Oh, bad time for Philip Seymour Hoffman to show up.
#333
⇓
I can't stop thinking about the girl who sold us the tickets
#334
⇓
and then had to run and make the popcorn.
#335
⇓
Yeah. And I saw a broom by the popcorn maker,
#336
⇓
so you know she's putting on one more hat.
#337
⇓
-I'm still hungry. -I'm starving.
#338
⇓
We gotta go to IHOP, right?
#339
⇓
Have to.
#340
⇓
Thank you so much.
#341
⇓
We had such a nice time.
#342
⇓
You know our waitress was the girl from the movie theater, right?
#343
⇓
Yeah, I couldn't look up.
#344
⇓
Nobody's rooting for her harder than me,
#345
⇓
but you just know she's not getting our order right.
#346
⇓
Yeah, just write it down. God.
#347
⇓
Okay, real talk.
#348
⇓
Sometimes...
#349
⇓
I get the feeling that I might love you more than you love me,
#350
⇓
which is fine.
#351
⇓
You're not wrong. Honestly, I can't believe I'm saying this,
#352
⇓
but there was a time when I actually wanted to kill you.
#353
⇓
What? [chuckles nervously]
#354
⇓
Why would you wanna do that?
#355
⇓
Maybe because you're such a doormat.
#356
⇓
You let everyone walk all over you,
#357
⇓
your husband, your kids, Bonnie.
#358
⇓
I... I don't understand why that would make you wanna kill me?
#359
⇓
I thought it was because I hated you,
#360
⇓
but maybe I just wanted to put you out of your misery.
#361
⇓
I think I wanted to kill you because I came from you.
#362
⇓
Whatever is in you must also be in me.
#363
⇓
I wanted to kill the part of myself
#364
⇓
that scares me the most.
#365
⇓
Whoa.
#366
⇓
You're mad at me.
#367
⇓
IHOP must be a rabbit's favorite restaurant, right?
#368
⇓
[spits and chuckles] Yeah.
#369
⇓
You're gonna get us kicked out of here.
#370
⇓
Thanks for sharing.
#371
⇓
That was hard to hear, but it's okay.
#372
⇓
I'm your mom, and my job is to love you
#373
⇓
to the moon and back, no matter what.
#374
⇓
Do you feel that?
#375
⇓
Yeah, I do.
#376
⇓
Good. Then I'm doing my job.
#377
⇓
And all you gotta do is just be a kid.
#378
⇓
We ordered omelets.
#379
⇓
Oh, no, no. This is good, though. This is good.
#380
⇓
Better than what we ordered. Yay.
#381
⇓
♪ Step on a crack, break your mama's back ♪
#382
⇓
[chuckles] No, no, I'm just joking. I'm not gonna.
#383
⇓
No, you can. It's just a silly game.
#384
⇓
Okay.
#385
⇓
-[stomps] -Ahhh!
#386
⇓
-[gasps] Mama! Mama, I'm sorry! -Oh, God!
#387
⇓
[laughs]
#388
⇓
-Gotcha. -Mom. Whoa.
#389
⇓
Where has this Lois been?
#390
⇓
Yeah, I should let her come out more.
#391
⇓
I didn't used to be so uptight, you know.
#392
⇓
-I... I used to be crazy and fun. -Really?
#393
⇓
I... I shouldn't be telling you this, but once in college...
#394
⇓
[snickers] This is nuts. Okay.
#395
⇓
Well, my friends and I, we stayed up till 1:00 in the morning,
#396
⇓
playing Jimmy Crack Corn with spoons on the bathroom sink.
#397
⇓
-[laughing] -O... Okay?
#398
⇓
Yeah. It was just, like, really crazy.
#399
⇓
Hey, we should get back at Bonnie
#400
⇓
for how mean she always is to you.
#401
⇓
Yes! [gasps]
#402
⇓
I'll go get spoons.
#403
⇓
Do you know Jimmy Crack Corn? I can teach you.
#404
⇓
[gasps] We'll sing it so loud.
#405
⇓
No, no. Just follow my lead.
#406
⇓
[man on TV] I wanted to get that out of the way.
#407
⇓
Bonnie gives you crap, we give her crap.
#408
⇓
-Griffin style. -Uh...
#409
⇓
[sighs] I'm not gonna be able to go.
#410
⇓
Mom, I've known you since I was a baby.
#411
⇓
You try too hard with everything.
#412
⇓
You're wound so tightly.
#413
⇓
Just let it go, babe. Just let it--
#414
⇓
[cackles] I did it!
#415
⇓
I just let it go.
#416
⇓
Yes, the movie popcorn and IHOP
#417
⇓
probably get an assist.
#418
⇓
What a night.
#419
⇓
We should go on a trip, like to Tuscany or something.
#420
⇓
Oh. Like an Eat Pray Love.
#421
⇓
Yeah, like a... like a mom and son pisghetti trip.
#422
⇓
Want another Oreo?
#423
⇓
Ah! [laughs]
#424
⇓
Gotcha! [laughs]
#425
⇓
Oh. You remember your Oreo tantrum earlier?
#426
⇓
You know, my tantrums are never about the thing they're about.
#427
⇓
Oh. What do you mean?
#428
⇓
It's a generalized lack of control.
#429
⇓
I have no autonomy. I'm on everyone else's schedule.
#430
⇓
Stewie, I see you. I hear you.
#431
⇓
And I feel the same way.
#432
⇓
-All adults do. -They do?
#433
⇓
I mean, I'm not strapped in a car seat, but I may as well be.
#434
⇓
-[♪ somber music playing] -Every day it's shopping,
#435
⇓
chores, cleaning, repeat.
#436
⇓
So, it's not just me?
#437
⇓
Thanks, Mom.
#438
⇓
Oh, I love you, sweetie.
#439
⇓
So, you're not gonna kill me, right?
#440
⇓
Not anytime soon.
#441
⇓
[Bonnie screams]
#442
⇓
Joe! Why are there three human poos on our lawn?
#443
⇓
[Joe] Two of them aren't mine.
#444
⇓
[both giggling]
#445
⇓
[both sigh wearily]
#446
⇓
[yawning]
#447
⇓
Why am I on the floor?
#448
⇓
-Why are you here? -Why am I in Stewie's room?
#449
⇓
I don't remember anything.
#450
⇓
This is like The Hangover with Justin Bartha.
#451
⇓
Yeah, nobody thinks of it like that.
#452
⇓
Oh, there you are.
#453
⇓
I have no memory of what happened last night.
#454
⇓
Yet, I have the strangest feeling
#455
⇓
that Stewie and I, we shared something special.
#456
⇓
Pancakes, please.
#457
⇓
Yes, it's strange, Rupert, but I feel the same way.
#458
⇓
Something changed with us.
#459
⇓
I think this is a whole new beginning.
#460
⇓
Uh-uh-uh. Too early, little guy.
#461
⇓
[wailing]
#462
⇓
Oh, my God. What is wrong with you?
#463
⇓
It's just Oreos.
#464
⇓
[sighs] Well, I guess we'll always have whatever last night was.
#465
⇓
We're out of your Tom's of Maine Rough and Dry Baby Wipes.
#466
⇓
I'll order more.
#467
⇓
I'm gonna kill her.
#468
⇓
[♪ closing theme music playing]
#469
⇓
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