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Family Guy
» S23E18 — Twain's World
Family Guy
Season 23, Episode 18 — Twain's World
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- [♪ theme music playing] - ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
music
music-playing
playing
seems
seems-today
theme
theme-music
theme-music-playing
today
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪
movies
violence
↗
⧉
↓
♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
fashioned
fashioned-values
values
↗
⧉
↓
[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
rely
used
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
family
lucky
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
lucky
positively
↗
⧉
↓
♪ All the things That make us ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
laugh
↗
⧉
↓
[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
family
↗
⧉
↓
Do you even have an idea?
idea
↗
⧉
↓
Okay, a dog who's in a writing class
class
writing
↗
⧉
↓
desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m.
desperately
idea
needs
↗
⧉
↓
Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize.
apologize
light
↗
⧉
↓
We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year.
beer
cans
five
trans
trust
violated
woman
↗
⧉
↓
You protested and we learned.
learned
↗
⧉
↓
Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity.
beer
heterosexual
identity
light
↗
⧉
↓
Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do.
calories
counting
figures
watching
↗
⧉
↓
So we have a simple plan to win you back.
plan
simple
↗
⧉
↓
Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer.
beer
free
penis
prove
↗
⧉
↓
It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then.
date
mustve
tough
↗
⧉
↓
- Jules? - Ashley?
ashley
↗
⧉
↓
Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.
waste
↗
⧉
↓
I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine,
machine
↗
⧉
↓
we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track?
meet
track
writing
↗
⧉
↓
You'd do that for me?
↗
⧉
↓
Of course I would, old friend.
course
friend
↗
⧉
↓
[whirring]
whirring
↗
⧉
↓
I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.
ashley
bringing
↗
⧉
↓
She sounds so hot.
sounds
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ dramatic music playing]
dramatic
dramatic-music
dramatic-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
↗
⧉
↓
This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time,
bible
book
gospel
popular
wrote
↗
⧉
↓
so he's got to have some good advice.
advice
↗
⧉
↓
Luke can see you now.
luke
↗
⧉
↓
Welcome, gentlemen.
gentlemen
welcome
↗
⧉
↓
If I knew you guys were coming,
coming
↗
⧉
↓
I'd have taken a shower four months ago.
four
four-months
months
shower
taken
↗
⧉
↓
So Bathsheba said you're a writer?
writer
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets.
love
secrets
↗
⧉
↓
Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid.
afraid
swings
↗
⧉
↓
Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy,
working
↗
⧉
↓
mom's a whore, friends betray him,
betray
friends
moms
whore
↗
⧉
↓
he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life,
days
life
three
three-days
whacked
↗
⧉
↓
running around like a zombie hippie.
hippie
running
zombie
↗
⧉
↓
No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess.
mess
offense
sounds
↗
⧉
↓
Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway.
audience
cares
entire
staring
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
↗
⧉
↓
How was I able to focus
able
focus
↗
⧉
↓
to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?
cities
david
oliver
tale
twist
write
↗
⧉
↓
Well, writing is the only distraction
distraction
writing
↗
⧉
↓
from how literally everything in London reeks of feces.
feces
london
reeks
↗
⧉
↓
You should simply stool on your desk.
desk
simply
stool
↗
⧉
↓
Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench.
avoid
choice
stench
write
↗
⧉
↓
You're not going to remember that?
remember
↗
⧉
↓
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression--
depression
struggling
↗
⧉
↓
Someone's not gonna kill themselves
kill
someones
↗
⧉
↓
because a cartoon dog said don't.
cartoon
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
↗
⧉
↓
If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow
till
till-tomorrow
tomorrow
writer
↗
⧉
↓
what you can do the day after tomorrow.",
tomorrow
↗
⧉
↓
So good. Just dead on, man.
dead
↗
⧉
↓
Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know?
apron
feels
wine
↗
⧉
↓
Suppose you were an idiot.
idiot
suppose
↗
⧉
↓
Now, suppose you were a member of Congress.
congress
member
suppose
↗
⧉
↓
But I repeat myself.
repeat
↗
⧉
↓
[laughing] Oh, man, we are both on fire right now.
fire
laughing
↗
⧉
↓
Both?
↗
⧉
↓
Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future.
future
twain
↗
⧉
↓
He's not gonna know that one.
↗
⧉
↓
I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers.
confess
meet
must
surprised
travelers
↗
⧉
↓
I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee
connecticut
story
working
yankee
↗
⧉
↓
being magically transported into King Arthur's Court.
court
king
magically
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, word?
word
↗
⧉
↓
It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds.
tears
wizard
↗
⧉
↓
I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train".
train
twain
↗
⧉
↓
Feels like we're winding down here.
feels
↗
⧉
↓
Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes?
another
cigarettes
↗
⧉
↓
You know, giving up smoking is easy.
easy
giving
smoking
↗
⧉
↓
I've done it hundreds of times.
hundreds
times
↗
⧉
↓
I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such.
addicted
↗
⧉
↓
Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.
real
↗
⧉
↓
[laughing]
laughing
↗
⧉
↓
I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash.
butts
makes
↗
⧉
↓
- Oh, we did it again. - He did it again.
↗
⧉
↓
I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.
perfectly
setting
↗
⧉
↓
Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me?
twain
write
↗
⧉
↓
Interesting proposal.
interesting
proposal
↗
⧉
↓
I suppose I should be hesitant
suppose
↗
⧉
↓
but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe.
debt
might
paying
worrying
↗
⧉
↓
Mark Twain.
mark
mark-twain
twain
↗
⧉
↓
Did you just quote yourself?
quote
↗
⧉
↓
Yes, Mark Twain.
mark
mark-twain
twain
↗
⧉
↓
- So you'll do it? - I'd love to see the future,
future
love
↗
⧉
↓
and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel,
chance
itll
novel
↗
⧉
↓
"The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan".
adventures
flan
↗
⧉
↓
You mean Huckleberry Finn?
finn
↗
⧉
↓
See, that's already better.
↗
⧉
↓
I'll go fetch the manuscript.
fetch
↗
⧉
↓
Brian, this is a terrible idea.
brian
idea
↗
⧉
↓
We could change the course of history.
change
course
history
↗
⧉
↓
You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck?
history
suck
↗
⧉
↓
I mean, the Crusades, Hitler--
hitler
↗
⧉
↓
Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle.
harry
marrying
meghan
prince
↗
⧉
↓
Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.
wives
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
↗
⧉
↓
So what do you think we should write about?
write
↗
⧉
↓
Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy
best
stories
↗
⧉
↓
going on an unsupervised journey.
journey
unsupervised
↗
⧉
↓
For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.
reasons
second
state
table
↗
⧉
↓
What if Merlin--
↗
⧉
↓
We're gonna put a pin in Merlin.
↗
⧉
↓
It's your grave, pal.
grave
↗
⧉
↓
Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.
focus
spectacular
write
↗
⧉
↓
Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather
character
weather
↗
⧉
↓
in New England, wait a minute. It'll change."
change
england
itll
minute
↗
⧉
↓
Well that normally gets a huge laugh.
huge
laugh
normally
↗
⧉
↓
Let's build the book around that.
book
build
↗
⧉
↓
No, it's got to be real and compelling
compelling
real
↗
⧉
↓
and ripped from the headlines.
headlines
ripped
↗
⧉
↓
Maybe something about a murdered woman.
murdered
woman
↗
⧉
↓
Why would anyone care if a woman died?
care
died
woman
↗
⧉
↓
Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years.
changed
past
past-years
worlds
years
↗
⧉
↓
We should catch you up on everything you've missed.
catch
missed
↗
⧉
↓
In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid--
laid
line
telephone
↗
⧉
↓
Soon after the United States entered something called World War I--
called
entered
states
united
united-states
world
↗
⧉
↓
Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II--
called
germany
world
↗
⧉
↓
And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon--
armstrong
became
moon
neil
walk
↗
⧉
↓
Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce--
dating
started
started-dating
swift
taylor
↗
⧉
↓
Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again.
christmas
merry
merry-christmas
trump
↗
⧉
↓
So that's it. That's history.
history
↗
⧉
↓
My goodness gracious. Wow.
goodness
gracious
↗
⧉
↓
So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?
flashlight
flesh
↗
⧉
↓
From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory
duct
duct-taped
prototype
taped
↗
⧉
↓
wonder of today,
today
wonder
↗
⧉
↓
the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.
america
story
tube
↗
⧉
↓
I don't know why we invited Chris.
chris
invited
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
↗
⧉
↓
Okay, what about a murder mystery?
murder
mystery
↗
⧉
↓
But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?"
↗
⧉
↓
- I hate that. - A "Where-done-it?"
hate
↗
⧉
↓
I wish you had dysentery,
wish
↗
⧉
↓
because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.
coming
hole
least
↗
⧉
↓
A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.
wyoming
↗
⧉
↓
Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun.
needs
wyoming
↗
⧉
↓
We don't say that anymore.
anymore
↗
⧉
↓
A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief.
liar
thief
↗
⧉
↓
He robs graves.
robs
↗
⧉
↓
I think more details just make it worse.
details
worse
↗
⧉
↓
And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.
boys
slave
takes
teenage
vacations
↗
⧉
↓
Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum,
steals
terrorist
worlds
↗
⧉
↓
then gets murdered by an NFT?
murdered
↗
⧉
↓
I have no idea what any of that is.
idea
↗
⧉
↓
Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum?
↗
⧉
↓
Could it be Dogecoin?
↗
⧉
↓
Some of these women are powerful attractive.
attractive
powerful
women
↗
⧉
↓
- What women? - On this hub, this hub of pornographs.
women
↗
⧉
↓
I need to use this outhouse for a moment.
moment
↗
⧉
↓
[Twain] What is a Latina?
latina
twain
↗
⧉
↓
It's like a regular woman, but different.
regular
woman
↗
⧉
↓
I think I like it.
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
↗
⧉
↓
Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona,
arizona
fisherman
imagine
↗
⧉
↓
falls in love with a vegan.
falls
love
vegan
↗
⧉
↓
And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life?
fish
life
reason
save
↗
⧉
↓
[cell phone pings]
cell
cell-phone
phone
↗
⧉
↓
Hang on. Stewie's texting me.
hang
texting
↗
⧉
↓
Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff.
phone
stuff
↗
⧉
↓
We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone.
phone
↗
⧉
↓
I always say, find a job
↗
⧉
↓
you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life.
enjoy
life
↗
⧉
↓
And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.
looking
↗
⧉
↓
I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.
brought
masturbate
novel
write
↗
⧉
↓
Novels are stupid and meaningless.
meaningless
stupid
↗
⧉
↓
I've been here a month
month
↗
⧉
↓
and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.
book
entire
reading
seen
↗
⧉
↓
The only thing that matters in this world is pornography.
matters
pornography
world
↗
⧉
↓
It makes everyone feel alive.
alive
makes
↗
⧉
↓
No, literature is important.
literature
↗
⧉
↓
Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.
convinced
life
writing
↗
⧉
↓
Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset,
brian
lived
sunset
↗
⧉
↓
lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.
cinnamon
highlight
life
lost
tasting
teeth
↗
⧉
↓
That's how all our great art was created.
created
↗
⧉
↓
By undistracted people who could cultivate genius.
genius
↗
⧉
↓
We were all idiots.
idiots
↗
⧉
↓
I'd seen nothing.
seen
↗
⧉
↓
I thought Hartford was amazing.
amazing
↗
⧉
↓
And now I wanna see it all.
↗
⧉
↓
A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders.
penis
vagina
woman
wonders
↗
⧉
↓
Please keep your voice down.
voice
↗
⧉
↓
Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.
agree
↗
⧉
↓
Raise your hand if you like novels.
hand
raise
↗
⧉
↓
Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres.
giant
hand
raise
shiny
↗
⧉
↓
[all agreeing]
agreeing
↗
⧉
↓
See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.
best
book
masturbation
worst
↗
⧉
↓
Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand.
brian
penis
phone
place
stand
world
↗
⧉
↓
And I have two of the three.
three
↗
⧉
↓
- Give me your phone. - No.
phone
↗
⧉
↓
Brian as your friend,
brian
friend
↗
⧉
↓
I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.
demanding
paddle
wheel
↗
⧉
↓
Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.
absolutely
mark
mark-twain
twain
↗
⧉
↓
Then you've left me no choice.
choice
left
↗
⧉
↓
[grunting and groaning]
groaning
grunting
↗
⧉
↓
My scones! My cakepops!
↗
⧉
↓
My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like!
model
sandwich
↗
⧉
↓
I love porn.
love
porn
↗
⧉
↓
I want to make porn.
porn
↗
⧉
↓
I want to be porn!
porn
↗
⧉
↓
[Brian groaning]
brian
groaning
↗
⧉
↓
Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich,
ordering
sandwich
thinking
↗
⧉
↓
but I have no idea what it looks like.
idea
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
↗
⧉
↓
You turned one of the greatest writers
greatest
turned
writers
↗
⧉
↓
in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where.
addict
history
knows
porn
↗
⧉
↓
- I know it's a real "Where-done-it." - What?
real
↗
⧉
↓
Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.
idea
left
mark
mark-twain
twain
↗
⧉
↓
Brian, you've now thrown history off course.
brian
course
history
thrown
↗
⧉
↓
This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted.
bigger
disaster
mount
↗
⧉
↓
Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.
agreed
glad
honey
today
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.
finds
↗
⧉
↓
It's just one class.
class
↗
⧉
↓
It's not like you're gonna be here forever.
forever
↗
⧉
↓
[mountain rumbling]
mountain
rumbling
↗
⧉
↓
Mark Twain will be fine.
mark
mark-twain
twain
↗
⧉
↓
Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand.
asleep
brian
cigar
fall
fall-asleep
hand
↗
⧉
↓
Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history.
history
mark
mark-twain
twain
↗
⧉
↓
His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that.
lose
↗
⧉
↓
- What do you mean? - He left the manuscript for Huck Finn.
finn
huck
huck-finn
left
↗
⧉
↓
I handed it in to my professor.
handed
professor
↗
⧉
↓
The quality is undeniable.
quality
undeniable
↗
⧉
↓
He'll pass it on to his publisher.
pass
↗
⧉
↓
And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.
brian
finn
griffin
huck
huck-finn
twain
↗
⧉
↓
You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?
finn
huck
huck-finn
↗
⧉
↓
Smart, right?
smart
↗
⧉
↓
Did you make any changes before you gave it to him?
changes
↗
⧉
↓
To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not.
course
mark
↗
⧉
↓
Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn?
brian
finn
huck
huck-finn
read
↗
⧉
↓
Actually, no. Why?
↗
⧉
↓
I was more offended than I've ever been in my life.
life
offended
↗
⧉
↓
And then I read your book.
book
read
↗
⧉
↓
You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning.
trigger
violence
warning
↗
⧉
↓
You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning.
trigger
warning
↗
⧉
↓
I'm afraid of trigger warnings.
afraid
trigger
↗
⧉
↓
The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.
dripping
privilege
white
whole
↗
⧉
↓
I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern.
pattern
skin
white
↗
⧉
↓
And it takes place on stolen land.
land
place
stolen
takes
takes-place
↗
⧉
↓
Where are you sitting now?
sitting
↗
⧉
↓
Huck lives with two women
huck
lives
women
↗
⧉
↓
but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers.
lesbian
lovers
sisters
↗
⧉
↓
Why do you hate women?
hate
hate-women
women
↗
⧉
↓
You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.
grooming
grown
traveling
young
↗
⧉
↓
They were on an adventure.
adventure
↗
⧉
↓
You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him?
baby
grooming
hanging
↗
⧉
↓
- No! - Plus putting them on a raft,
plus
putting
raft
↗
⧉
↓
that's able-ist. Brian.
able
brian
↗
⧉
↓
We all want to take the ride.
ride
↗
⧉
↓
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
adventures
finn
↗
⧉
↓
is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork.
finest
written
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, there it is, the word master.
master
word
↗
⧉
↓
You're worse than the school shooter last year.
school
school-shooter
shooter
worse
↗
⧉
↓
At least he knew everyone's pronouns.
everyones
least
↗
⧉
↓
- I know you're a they. - I'm a whom, you pig.
↗
⧉
↓
There's whom's now?
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races,
races
swimming
winning
↗
⧉
↓
so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important.
amateur
everyones
super
swimming
↗
⧉
↓
What do you think?
↗
⧉
↓
Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?
crazy
finn
huck
huck-finn
↗
⧉
↓
It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace.
awful
brian
disgrace
↗
⧉
↓
And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen.
anti
flawed
hero
joes
ultimately
↗
⧉
↓
No, consider yourself canceled, expelled
canceled
consider
expelled
↗
⧉
↓
and, worst of all, banned from my webinars.
banned
worst
↗
⧉
↓
Fine. I'll get out of your hair.
hair
↗
⧉
↓
Professor, can I take five for mental health?
five
health
mental
mental-health
professor
↗
⧉
↓
Legally, I can't say no.
legally
↗
⧉
↓
So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.
five
free
health
mental
mental-health
wants
↗
⧉
↓
[all chattering]
chattering
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
↗
⧉
↓
It's just a dumb community college, Brian.
brian
college
community
community-college
dumb
↗
⧉
↓
How bad can it hurt your reputation?
hurt
reputation
↗
⧉
↓
Just watch some TV and relax.
relax
watch
↗
⧉
↓
[announcer] And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits
announcer
credits
lives
night
opening
saturday
saturday-night
sound
↗
⧉
↓
once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke!
↗
⧉
↓
T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson!
↗
⧉
↓
Jonathan Jonathan!
jonathan
↗
⧉
↓
Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein!
↗
⧉
↓
Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman!
blue
↗
⧉
↓
Dildonna Wam-Wam!
↗
⧉
↓
Kenan's still here?
↗
⧉
↓
- Who are these people? - Finally a cast for my generation.
cast
finally
generation
↗
⧉
↓
Thanks. I feel a little better.
thanks
↗
⧉
↓
[Tom Tucker] We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report.
bring
interrupt
peacock
report
tucker
↗
⧉
↓
We can do that now.
↗
⧉
↓
Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner,"
corner
tucker
↗
⧉
↓
Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in
brian
brian-griffin
griffin
handed
local
proudly
rough
writer
↗
⧉
↓
a racist, sexist screed to his writing class.
class
racist
sexist
writing
↗
⧉
↓
Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list,
anthony
brians
casey
knocks
list
↗
⧉
↓
so I have a call to make.
↗
⧉
↓
I can't believe this.
believe
↗
⧉
↓
If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.
author
famous
mark
mark-twain
twain
writer
↗
⧉
↓
- Now I'm ruined. - That's your takeaway?
ruined
takeaway
↗
⧉
↓
You tried to steal his book.
book
steal
tried
↗
⧉
↓
You think you're the victim here?
victim
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it.
finn
huck
huck-finn
name
↗
⧉
↓
People are so anti dog, it's insane.
anti
insane
↗
⧉
↓
Guys, we have a bigger problem here.
bigger
bigger-problem
problem
↗
⧉
↓
Your little stunt ruined porn.
porn
ruined
stunt
↗
⧉
↓
What are you talking about?
↗
⧉
↓
Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.
mark
mark-twain
movie
stupid
twain
↗
⧉
↓
It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool
closed
fool
legs
↗
⧉
↓
than to open them and remove all doubt.
doubt
open
remove
↗
⧉
↓
The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room.
room
spent
summer
winter
↗
⧉
↓
I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia.
kids
↗
⧉
↓
Let them walk to school like I did.
school
walk
↗
⧉
↓
That's not even Twain.
twain
↗
⧉
↓
He stole it from Yogi Berra!
stole
↗
⧉
↓
That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain
bring
mark
mark-twain
twain
↗
⧉
↓
back into the past and undo this whole thing.
past
undo
whole
↗
⧉
↓
Fine. How are we gonna find him?
↗
⧉
↓
He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.
avenue
block
california
↗
⧉
↓
I have a condition called Datassbergers.
called
condition
condition-called
↗
⧉
↓
It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at.
allows
identify
immediately
↗
⧉
↓
How the hell are we supposed to get to California?
california
supposed
↗
⧉
↓
Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man
best
smart
stories
↗
⧉
↓
and a boy making an unsupervised journey.
journey
unsupervised
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
↗
⧉
↓
♪ A man and a boy on an adventure ♪
adventure
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Just like Mark Twain wrote about in Huck Finn ♪
finn
huck
huck-finn
mark
mark-twain
twain
wrote
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Is that his dad? ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ No, that's a stranger ♪
stranger
↗
⧉
↓
♪ I guess that was normal ♪
normal
↗
⧉
↓
♪ The time they were in ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ People now just assume there'd be molestation ♪
assume
molestation
thered
↗
⧉
↓
♪ With a man and a boy ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ That's a sad reflection ♪
reflection
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Where we are as a nation ♪
nation
↗
⧉
↓
♪ It's just a man and a boy ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ In the olden days that's just what happened ♪
days
happened
olden
olden-days
↗
⧉
↓
♪ It was all men with boys ♪
boys
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Don't call the police or worry the least ♪
least
police
worry
↗
⧉
↓
♪ 'Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest ♪
priest
talked
↗
⧉
↓
♪ If he was, that's a whole different story ♪
story
whole
↗
⧉
↓
♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ It's a man and a boy ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Just a man and a boy ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Let's not ask questions ♪
questions
↗
⧉
↓
♪ Let's all just enjoy ♪
enjoy
↗
⧉
↓
♪ The man with the boy ♪
↗
⧉
↓
That whole time, we just went 30 miles?
miles
whole
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way.
plane
rest
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ mellow music playing]
mellow
music
music-playing
playing
↗
⧉
↓
Mark?
mark
↗
⧉
↓
What happened?
happened
↗
⧉
↓
This industry chewed me up and spit me out.
chewed
industry
spit
↗
⧉
↓
Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters,
aware
weeks
↗
⧉
↓
and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon.
worst
↗
⧉
↓
Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault.
fault
↗
⧉
↓
- [thud] - Ow!
thud
↗
⧉
↓
I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock.
oclock
wish
↗
⧉
↓
And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27...
↗
⧉
↓
Brian, this is one of our great writers,
brian
writers
↗
⧉
↓
and now he's being used as a human Kleenex.
human
kleenex
used
↗
⧉
↓
Wait! Mister Twain,
mister
twain
↗
⧉
↓
my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours.
responsibility
writer
↗
⧉
↓
I don't wanna ruin your life too.
life
ruin
↗
⧉
↓
Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books.
books
pornography
write
↗
⧉
↓
Please let us bring you home.
bring
home
↗
⧉
↓
Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?
father
gotten
revenge
↗
⧉
↓
Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him.
showed
slutty
stuff
↗
⧉
↓
Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me.
saving
thanks
↗
⧉
↓
You're good men.
↗
⧉
↓
No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me.
touch
↗
⧉
↓
You'll land in 1870.
land
↗
⧉
↓
Just step off and it's programmed to return here.
programmed
return
step
↗
⧉
↓
Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute,
minute
↗
⧉
↓
it'll change.
change
itll
↗
⧉
↓
I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious.
conviction
deep
hilarious
maintain
↗
⧉
↓
- [whirring] - [loud bang]
bang
loud
whirring
↗
⧉
↓
Did he just grab a tug tube?
grab
tube
↗
⧉
↓
[announcer] Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light!
announcer
brought
family
light
↗
⧉
↓
Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea!
addicted
bringing
future
idea
mark
mark-twain
porn
twain
↗
⧉
↓
Bud Light: we can't stop doing sex stuff.
light
stuff
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
↗
⧉
↓
Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history.
brian
history
literary
saved
↗
⧉
↓
Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school
offensive
school
thanks
↗
⧉
↓
reading remains completely unchanged.
completely
reading
remains
unchanged
↗
⧉
↓
[Twain] Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium.
fifth
mark
mark-twain
tube
twain
↗
⧉
↓
- [Brian] Uh-oh. - We've got the largest selection anywhere,
brian
largest
selection
↗
⧉
↓
and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools.
feet
located
schools
↗
⧉
↓
We pay cash for our new tubes,
cash
tubes
↗
⧉
↓
saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges.
charges
dollars
finance
month
saving
thousands
↗
⧉
↓
And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast.
coast
east
east-coast
largest
selection
tubes
used
↗
⧉
↓
I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less.
costs
less
sell
used
↗
⧉
↓
But don't take my word for it.
word
↗
⧉
↓
Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan.
duncan
legend
↗
⧉
↓
I demand peak performance.
demand
peak
performance
↗
⧉
↓
So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain.
finish
finish-line
line
reach
twain
↗
⧉
↓
You can trust Twain Tubes,
trust
tubes
twain
↗
⧉
↓
man and boy operated since 1878.
↗
⧉
↓
That's gonna be hard to undo.
hard
undo
↗
⧉
↓
[Chris] Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?
chris
dishwasher
twain
↗
⧉
↓
[♪ closing theme music playing]
closing
closing-theme
closing-theme-music
music
music-playing
playing
theme
theme-music
theme-music-playing
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