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Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 18 — Twain's World

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- [♪ theme music playing] - ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪
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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪
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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things That make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪
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Do you even have an idea?
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Okay, a dog who's in a writing class
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desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m.
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Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize.
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We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year.
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You protested and we learned.
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Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity.
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Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do.
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So we have a simple plan to win you back.
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Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer.
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It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then.
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- Jules? - Ashley?
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Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.
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I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine,
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we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track?
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You'd do that for me?
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Of course I would, old friend.
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[whirring]
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I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.
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She sounds so hot.
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This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time,
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so he's got to have some good advice.
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Luke can see you now.
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Welcome, gentlemen.
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If I knew you guys were coming,
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I'd have taken a shower four months ago.
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So Bathsheba said you're a writer?
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Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets.
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Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid.
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Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy,
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mom's a whore, friends betray him,
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he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life,
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running around like a zombie hippie.
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No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess.
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Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway.
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How was I able to focus
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to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?
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Well, writing is the only distraction
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from how literally everything in London reeks of feces.
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You should simply stool on your desk.
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Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench.
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You're not going to remember that?
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If you or someone you know is struggling with depression--
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Someone's not gonna kill themselves
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because a cartoon dog said don't.
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If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow
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what you can do the day after tomorrow.",
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So good. Just dead on, man.
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Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know?
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Suppose you were an idiot.
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Now, suppose you were a member of Congress.
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But I repeat myself.
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[laughing] Oh, man, we are both on fire right now.
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Both?
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Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future.
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He's not gonna know that one.
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I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers.
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I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee
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being magically transported into King Arthur's Court.
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Oh, word?
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It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds.
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I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train".
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Feels like we're winding down here.
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Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes?
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You know, giving up smoking is easy.
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I've done it hundreds of times.
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I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such.
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Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.
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[laughing]
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I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash.
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- Oh, we did it again. - He did it again.
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I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.
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Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me?
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Interesting proposal.
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I suppose I should be hesitant
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but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe.
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Mark Twain.
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Did you just quote yourself?
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Yes, Mark Twain.
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- So you'll do it? - I'd love to see the future,
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and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel,
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"The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan".
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You mean Huckleberry Finn?
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See, that's already better.
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I'll go fetch the manuscript.
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Brian, this is a terrible idea.
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We could change the course of history.
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You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck?
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I mean, the Crusades, Hitler--
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Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle.
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Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.
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So what do you think we should write about?
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Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy
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going on an unsupervised journey.
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For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.
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What if Merlin--
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We're gonna put a pin in Merlin.
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It's your grave, pal.
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Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.
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Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather
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in New England, wait a minute. It'll change."
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Well that normally gets a huge laugh.
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Let's build the book around that.
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No, it's got to be real and compelling
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and ripped from the headlines.
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Maybe something about a murdered woman.
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Why would anyone care if a woman died?
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Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years.
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We should catch you up on everything you've missed.
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In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid--
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Soon after the United States entered something called World War I--
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Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II--
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And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon--
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Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce--
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Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again.
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So that's it. That's history.
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My goodness gracious. Wow.
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So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?
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From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory
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wonder of today,
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the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.
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I don't know why we invited Chris.
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Okay, what about a murder mystery?
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But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?"
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- I hate that. - A "Where-done-it?"
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I wish you had dysentery,
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because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.
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A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.
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Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun.
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We don't say that anymore.
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A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief.
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He robs graves.
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I think more details just make it worse.
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And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.
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Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum,
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then gets murdered by an NFT?
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I have no idea what any of that is.
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Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum?
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Could it be Dogecoin?
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Some of these women are powerful attractive.
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- What women? - On this hub, this hub of pornographs.
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I need to use this outhouse for a moment.
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[Twain] What is a Latina?
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It's like a regular woman, but different.
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I think I like it.
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Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona,
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falls in love with a vegan.
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And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life?
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[cell phone pings]
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Hang on. Stewie's texting me.
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Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff.
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We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone.
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I always say, find a job
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you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life.
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And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.
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I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.
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Novels are stupid and meaningless.
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I've been here a month
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and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.
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The only thing that matters in this world is pornography.
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It makes everyone feel alive.
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No, literature is important.
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Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.
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Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset,
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lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.
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That's how all our great art was created.
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By undistracted people who could cultivate genius.
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We were all idiots.
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I'd seen nothing.
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I thought Hartford was amazing.
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And now I wanna see it all.
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A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders.
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Please keep your voice down.
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Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.
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Raise your hand if you like novels.
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Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres.
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[all agreeing]
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See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.
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Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand.
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And I have two of the three.
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- Give me your phone. - No.
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Brian as your friend,
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I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.
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Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.
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Then you've left me no choice.
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[grunting and groaning]
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My scones! My cakepops!
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My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like!
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I love porn.
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I want to make porn.
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I want to be porn!
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[Brian groaning]
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Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich,
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but I have no idea what it looks like.
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You turned one of the greatest writers
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in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where.
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- I know it's a real "Where-done-it." - What?
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Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.
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Brian, you've now thrown history off course.
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This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted.
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Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.
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Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.
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It's just one class.
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It's not like you're gonna be here forever.
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[mountain rumbling]
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Mark Twain will be fine.
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Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand.
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Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history.
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His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that.
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- What do you mean? - He left the manuscript for Huck Finn.
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I handed it in to my professor.
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The quality is undeniable.
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He'll pass it on to his publisher.
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And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.
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You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?
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Smart, right?
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Did you make any changes before you gave it to him?
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To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not.
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Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn?
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Actually, no. Why?
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I was more offended than I've ever been in my life.
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And then I read your book.
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You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning.
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You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning.
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I'm afraid of trigger warnings.
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The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.
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I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern.
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And it takes place on stolen land.
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Where are you sitting now?
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Huck lives with two women
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but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers.
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Why do you hate women?
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You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.
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They were on an adventure.
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You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him?
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- No! - Plus putting them on a raft,
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that's able-ist. Brian.
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We all want to take the ride.
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The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
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is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork.
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Oh, there it is, the word master.
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You're worse than the school shooter last year.
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At least he knew everyone's pronouns.
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- I know you're a they. - I'm a whom, you pig.
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There's whom's now?
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Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races,
04c978f6-40fa-4d55-af0a-295f26680a87.gif
so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important.
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What do you think?
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Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?
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It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace.
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And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen.
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No, consider yourself canceled, expelled
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and, worst of all, banned from my webinars.
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Fine. I'll get out of your hair.
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Professor, can I take five for mental health?
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Legally, I can't say no.
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So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.
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[all chattering]
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It's just a dumb community college, Brian.
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How bad can it hurt your reputation?
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Just watch some TV and relax.
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[announcer] And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits
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once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke!
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T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson!
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Jonathan Jonathan!
e4d80c70-552c-4a19-b048-0af8e9b03362.gif
Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein!
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Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman!
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Dildonna Wam-Wam!
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Kenan's still here?
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- Who are these people? - Finally a cast for my generation.
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Thanks. I feel a little better.
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[Tom Tucker] We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report.
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We can do that now.
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Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner,"
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Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in
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a racist, sexist screed to his writing class.
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Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list,
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so I have a call to make.
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I can't believe this.
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If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.
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- Now I'm ruined. - That's your takeaway?
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You tried to steal his book.
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You think you're the victim here?
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Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it.
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People are so anti dog, it's insane.
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Guys, we have a bigger problem here.
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Your little stunt ruined porn.
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What are you talking about?
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Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.
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It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool
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than to open them and remove all doubt.
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The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room.
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I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia.
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Let them walk to school like I did.
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That's not even Twain.
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He stole it from Yogi Berra!
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That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain
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back into the past and undo this whole thing.
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Fine. How are we gonna find him?
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He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.
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I have a condition called Datassbergers.
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It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at.
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How the hell are we supposed to get to California?
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Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man
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and a boy making an unsupervised journey.
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♪ A man and a boy on an adventure ♪
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♪ Just like Mark Twain wrote about in Huck Finn ♪
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♪ Is that his dad? ♪
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♪ No, that's a stranger ♪
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♪ I guess that was normal ♪
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♪ The time they were in ♪
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♪ People now just assume there'd be molestation ♪
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♪ With a man and a boy ♪
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♪ That's a sad reflection ♪
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♪ Where we are as a nation ♪
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♪ It's just a man and a boy ♪
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♪ In the olden days that's just what happened ♪
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♪ It was all men with boys ♪
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♪ Don't call the police or worry the least ♪
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♪ 'Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest ♪
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♪ If he was, that's a whole different story ♪
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♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪
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♪ It's a man and a boy ♪
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♪ Just a man and a boy ♪
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♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪
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♪ Let's not ask questions ♪
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♪ Let's all just enjoy ♪
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♪ The man with the boy ♪
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That whole time, we just went 30 miles?
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Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way.
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[♪ mellow music playing]
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Mark?
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What happened?
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This industry chewed me up and spit me out.
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Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters,
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and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon.
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Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault.
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- [thud] - Ow!
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I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock.
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And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27...
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Brian, this is one of our great writers,
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and now he's being used as a human Kleenex.
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Wait! Mister Twain,
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my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours.
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I don't wanna ruin your life too.
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Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books.
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Please let us bring you home.
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Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?
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Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him.
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Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me.
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You're good men.
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No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me.
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You'll land in 1870.
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Just step off and it's programmed to return here.
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Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute,
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it'll change.
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I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious.
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- [whirring] - [loud bang]
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Did he just grab a tug tube?
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[announcer] Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light!
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Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea!
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Bud Light: we can't stop doing sex stuff.
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Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history.
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Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school
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reading remains completely unchanged.
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[Twain] Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium.
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- [Brian] Uh-oh. - We've got the largest selection anywhere,
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and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools.
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We pay cash for our new tubes,
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saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges.
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And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast.
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I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less.
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But don't take my word for it.
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Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan.
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I demand peak performance.
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So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain.
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You can trust Twain Tubes,
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man and boy operated since 1878.
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That's gonna be hard to undo.
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[Chris] Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?