Home » Family Guy » S23E18 — Twain’s World

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 18 — Twain’s World

- [♪ theme music playing] - ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things That make us ♪

#7

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

#8

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[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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So that's how I wound up smoking opium with Erma Bombeck.

#10

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But, enough of my stories,

#11

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we're here to tell yours.

#12

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Brian Griffin, you're up.

#13

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Sorry, I'm not quite ready.

#14

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I guess the "me" ate my homework.

#15

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Do you even have an idea?

#16

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Okay, a dog who's in a writing class

#17

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desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m.

#18

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No, that's not an idea,

#19

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you're just describing what's happening.

#20

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Right. What about "The Boy with the Dragon Tattoo?"

#21

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You want to be a writer, Brian, yeah?

#22

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I need an idea that tears your heart out of your chest.

#23

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Something so real and true,

#24

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if you can't express it, you'll die.

#25

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Okay, I got it.

#26

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The "Karate Adult."

#27

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Brian, writing isn't just words or lazy references

#28

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or marrying Noah Baumbach and having him do everything for you.

#29

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It's adventure, love, intrigue, life!

#30

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And until you live it, you have no business here.

#31

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Please turn in your scarf and leave.

#32

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Okay, next up, Joe Swanson.

#33

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"A dedication for Bonnie.

#34

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Bonnie lay dead in a pool of blood.

#35

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Detective Bo Bonsen held the gun and whispered, 'Who can't walk now?'"

#36

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Now that's writing.

#37

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#38

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Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize.

#39

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We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year.

#40

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You protested and we learned.

#41

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Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity.

#42

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Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do.

#43

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So we have a simple plan to win you back.

#44

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Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer.

#45

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Just bring a naked baby picture to wherever Bud Light is sold

#46

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and flash your current genitals.

#47

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If they're both penises, you get a six pack, on us.

#48

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[announcer] Bud Light. Wow.

#49

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How did we get here?

#50

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Hey, Brian, were you able to invent an entire novel on the spot?

#51

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No, I totally blanked.

#52

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What am I missing?

#53

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How did all these great writers from the past get their ideas?

#54

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When did we get a bookcase?

#55

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I have something amazing to say,

#56

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but don't know what it is.

#57

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It kinda sounds like you don't have anything to say.

#58

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What do you think it is?

#59

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What do I think you have to say?

#60

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I could get over my writer's block

#61

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if I could just step away from all the noise

#62

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and get inside the minds of the greats.

#63

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Dostoyevsky, Hemingway, Twain--

#64

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- Are you gonna name a woman? - Jules Verne.

#65

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That's a guy, you turd.

#66

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It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then.

#67

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- Jules? - Ashley?

#68

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Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.

#69

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[announcer] The 19th century: most gay stuff was accidental.

#70

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#71

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I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine,

#72

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we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track?

#73

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You'd do that for me?

#74

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Of course I would, old friend.

#75

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[whirring]

#76

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I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.

#77

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She sounds so hot.

#78

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[♪ dramatic music playing]

#79

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This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time,

#80

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so he's got to have some good advice.

#81

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Luke can see you now.

#82

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Welcome, gentlemen.

#83

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If I knew you guys were coming,

#84

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I'd have taken a shower four months ago.

#85

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So Bathsheba said you're a writer?

#86

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Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets.

#87

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Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid.

#88

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Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy,

#89

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mom's a whore, friends betray him,

#90

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he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life,

#91

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running around like a zombie hippie.

#92

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No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess.

#93

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Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway.

#94

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[♪ jaunty music playing]

#95

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How was I able to focus

#96

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to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?

#97

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Well, writing is the only distraction

#98

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from how literally everything in London reeks of feces.

#99

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You should simply stool on your desk.

#100

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Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench.

#101

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You're not going to remember that?

#102

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[gunshot]

#103

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If you or someone you know is struggling with depression--

#104

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Someone's not gonna kill themselves

#105

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because a cartoon dog said don't.

#106

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[♪ jaunty music playing]

#107

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If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow

#108

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what you can do the day after tomorrow.",

#109

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So good. Just dead on, man.

#110

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Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know?

#111

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Suppose you were an idiot.

#112

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Now, suppose you were a member of Congress.

#113

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But I repeat myself.

#114

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[laughing] Oh, man, we are both on fire right now.

#115

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Both?

#116

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Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future.

#117

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He's not gonna know that one.

#118

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I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers.

#119

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I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee

#120

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being magically transported into King Arthur's Court.

#121

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Oh, word?

#122

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It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds.

#123

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I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train".

#124

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Feels like we're winding down here.

#125

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Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes?

#126

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You know, giving up smoking is easy.

#127

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I've done it hundreds of times.

#128

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I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such.

#129

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Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.

#130

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[laughing]

#131

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I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash.

#132

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- Oh, we did it again. - He did it again.

#133

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I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.

#134

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Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me?

#135

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Interesting proposal.

#136

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I suppose I should be hesitant

#137

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but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe.

#138

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Mark Twain.

#139

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Did you just quote yourself?

#140

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Yes, Mark Twain.

#141

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- So you'll do it? - I'd love to see the future,

#142

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and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel,

#143

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"The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan".

#144

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You mean Huckleberry Finn?

#145

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See, that's already better.

#146

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I'll go fetch the manuscript.

#147

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Brian, this is a terrible idea.

#148

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We could change the course of history.

#149

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You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck?

#150

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I mean, the Crusades, Hitler--

#151

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Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle.

#152

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Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.

#153

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[♪ jaunty music playing]

#154

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So what do you think we should write about?

#155

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Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy

#156

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going on an unsupervised journey.

#157

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For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.

#158

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What if Merlin--

#159

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We're gonna put a pin in Merlin.

#160

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It's your grave, pal.

#161

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Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.

#162

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Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather

#163

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in New England, wait a minute. It'll change."

#164

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Well that normally gets a huge laugh.

#165

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Let's build the book around that.

#166

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No, it's got to be real and compelling

#167

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and ripped from the headlines.

#168

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Maybe something about a murdered woman.

#169

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Why would anyone care if a woman died?

#170

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Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years.

#171

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We should catch you up on everything you've missed.

#172

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In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid--

#173

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Soon after the United States entered something called World War I--

#174

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Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II--

#175

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And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon--

#176

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Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce--

#177

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Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again.

#178

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So that's it. That's history.

#179

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My goodness gracious. Wow.

#180

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So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?

#181

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From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory

#182

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wonder of today,

#183

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the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.

#184

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I don't know why we invited Chris.

#185

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#186

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Okay, what about a murder mystery?

#187

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But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?"

#188

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- I hate that. - A "Where-done-it?"

#189

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I wish you had dysentery,

#190

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because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.

#191

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A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.

#192

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Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun.

#193

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We don't say that anymore.

#194

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A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief.

#195

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He robs graves.

#196

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I think more details just make it worse.

#197

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And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.

#198

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Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum,

#199

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then gets murdered by an NFT?

#200

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I have no idea what any of that is.

#201

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Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum?

#202

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Could it be Dogecoin?

#203

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Some of these women are powerful attractive.

#204

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- What women? - On this hub, this hub of pornographs.

#205

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I need to use this outhouse for a moment.

#206

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[Twain] What is a Latina?

#207

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It's like a regular woman, but different.

#208

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I think I like it.

#209

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[♪ jaunty music playing]

#210

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Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona,

#211

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falls in love with a vegan.

#212

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And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life?

#213

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[cell phone pings]

#214

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Hang on. Stewie's texting me.

#215

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Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff.

#216

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We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone.

#217

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I always say, find a job

#218

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you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life.

#219

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And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.

#220

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I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.

#221

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Novels are stupid and meaningless.

#222

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I've been here a month

#223

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and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.

#224

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The only thing that matters in this world is pornography.

#225

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It makes everyone feel alive.

#226

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No, literature is important.

#227

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Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.

#228

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Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset,

#229

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lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.

#230

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That's how all our great art was created.

#231

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By undistracted people who could cultivate genius.

#232

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We were all idiots.

#233

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I'd seen nothing.

#234

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I thought Hartford was amazing.

#235

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And now I wanna see it all.

#236

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A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders.

#237

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[announcer] That last line was not brought to you by Bud Light.

#238

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Bud Light: we're making this way more complicated than it needs to be.

#239

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Please keep your voice down.

#240

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Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.

#241

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Raise your hand if you like novels.

#242

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Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres.

#243

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[all agreeing]

#244

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See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.

#245

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Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand.

#246

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And I have two of the three.

#247

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- Give me your phone. - No.

#248

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Brian as your friend,

#249

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I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.

#250

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Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.

#251

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Then you've left me no choice.

#252

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[grunting and groaning]

#253

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My scones! My cakepops!

#254

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My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like!

#255

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I love porn.

#256

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I want to make porn.

#257

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I want to be porn!

#258

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[Brian groaning]

#259

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Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich,

#260

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but I have no idea what it looks like.

#261

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#262

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You turned one of the greatest writers

#263

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in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where.

#264

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- I know it's a real "Where-done-it." - What?

#265

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Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.

#266

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Brian, you've now thrown history off course.

#267

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This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted.

#268

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Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.

#269

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Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.

#270

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It's just one class.

#271

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It's not like you're gonna be here forever.

#272

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[mountain rumbling]

#273

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Mark Twain will be fine.

#274

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Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand.

#275

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Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history.

#276

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His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that.

#277

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- What do you mean? - He left the manuscript for Huck Finn.

#278

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I handed it in to my professor.

#279

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The quality is undeniable.

#280

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He'll pass it on to his publisher.

#281

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And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.

#282

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You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?

#283

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Smart, right?

#284

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Did you make any changes before you gave it to him?

#285

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To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not.

#286

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Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn?

#287

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Actually, no. Why?

#288

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I was more offended than I've ever been in my life.

#289

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And then I read your book.

#290

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You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning.

#291

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You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning.

#292

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I'm afraid of trigger warnings.

#293

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The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.

#294

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I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern.

#295

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And it takes place on stolen land.

#296

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Where are you sitting now?

#297

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Huck lives with two women

#298

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but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers.

#299

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Why do you hate women?

#300

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You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.

#301

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They were on an adventure.

#302

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You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him?

#303

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- No! - Plus putting them on a raft,

#304

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that's able-ist. Brian.

#305

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We all want to take the ride.

#306

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The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

#307

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is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork.

#308

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Oh, there it is, the word master.

#309

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You're worse than the school shooter last year.

#310

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At least he knew everyone's pronouns.

#311

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- I know you're a they. - I'm a whom, you pig.

#312

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There's whom's now?

#313

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Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races,

#314

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so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important.

#315

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What do you think?

#316

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Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?

#317

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It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace.

#318

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And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen.

#319

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No, consider yourself canceled, expelled

#320

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and, worst of all, banned from my webinars.

#321

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Fine. I'll get out of your hair.

#322

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Professor, can I take five for mental health?

#323

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Legally, I can't say no.

#324

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So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.

#325

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[all chattering]

#326

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#327

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It's just a dumb community college, Brian.

#328

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How bad can it hurt your reputation?

#329

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Just watch some TV and relax.

#330

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[announcer] And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits

#331

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once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke!

#332

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T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson!

#333

⇓

Jonathan Jonathan!

#334

⇓

Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein!

#335

⇓

Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman!

#336

⇓

Dildonna Wam-Wam!

#337

⇓

Kenan's still here?

#338

⇓

- Who are these people? - Finally a cast for my generation.

#339

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Thanks. I feel a little better.

#340

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[Tom Tucker] We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report.

#341

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We can do that now.

#342

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Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner,"

#343

⇓

brought to you by Bud Light.

#344

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Bud Light: screw it, we're touching the hot stove again.

#345

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Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in

#346

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a racist, sexist screed to his writing class.

#347

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Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list,

#348

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so I have a call to make.

#349

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I can't believe this.

#350

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If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.

#351

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- Now I'm ruined. - That's your takeaway?

#352

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You tried to steal his book.

#353

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You think you're the victim here?

#354

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Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it.

#355

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People are so anti dog, it's insane.

#356

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Guys, we have a bigger problem here.

#357

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Your little stunt ruined porn.

#358

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What are you talking about?

#359

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Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.

#360

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It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool

#361

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than to open them and remove all doubt.

#362

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The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room.

#363

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I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia.

#364

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Let them walk to school like I did.

#365

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That's not even Twain.

#366

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He stole it from Yogi Berra!

#367

⇓

That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain

#368

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back into the past and undo this whole thing.

#369

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Fine. How are we gonna find him?

#370

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He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.

#371

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I have a condition called Datassbergers.

#372

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It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at.

#373

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How the hell are we supposed to get to California?

#374

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Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man

#375

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and a boy making an unsupervised journey.

#376

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

#377

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♪ A man and a boy on an adventure ♪

#378

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♪ Just like Mark Twain wrote about in Huck Finn ♪

#379

⇓

♪ Is that his dad? ♪

#380

⇓

♪ No, that's a stranger ♪

#381

⇓

♪ I guess that was normal ♪

#382

⇓

♪ The time they were in ♪

#383

⇓

♪ People now just assume there'd be molestation ♪

#384

⇓

♪ With a man and a boy ♪

#385

⇓

♪ That's a sad reflection ♪

#386

⇓

♪ Where we are as a nation ♪

#387

⇓

♪ It's just a man and a boy ♪

#388

⇓

♪ In the olden days that's just what happened ♪

#389

⇓

♪ It was all men with boys ♪

#390

⇓

♪ Don't call the police or worry the least ♪

#391

⇓

♪ 'Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest ♪

#392

⇓

♪ If he was, that's a whole different story ♪

#393

⇓

♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪

#394

⇓

♪ It's a man and a boy ♪

#395

⇓

♪ Just a man and a boy ♪

#396

⇓

♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪

#397

⇓

♪ Let's not ask questions ♪

#398

⇓

♪ Let's all just enjoy ♪

#399

⇓

♪ The man with the boy ♪

#400

⇓

That whole time, we just went 30 miles?

#401

⇓

Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way.

#402

⇓

[♪ mellow music playing]

#403

⇓

Mark?

#404

⇓

What happened?

#405

⇓

This industry chewed me up and spit me out.

#406

⇓

Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters,

#407

⇓

and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon.

#408

⇓

Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault.

#409

⇓

- [thud] - Ow!

#410

⇓

I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock.

#411

⇓

And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27...

#412

⇓

Brian, this is one of our great writers,

#413

⇓

and now he's being used as a human Kleenex.

#414

⇓

Wait! Mister Twain,

#415

⇓

my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours.

#416

⇓

I don't wanna ruin your life too.

#417

⇓

Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books.

#418

⇓

Please let us bring you home.

#419

⇓

Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?

#420

⇓

Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him.

#421

⇓

Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me.

#422

⇓

You're good men.

#423

⇓

No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me.

#424

⇓

You'll land in 1870.

#425

⇓

Just step off and it's programmed to return here.

#426

⇓

Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute,

#427

⇓

it'll change.

#428

⇓

I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious.

#429

⇓

- [whirring] - [loud bang]

#430

⇓

Did he just grab a tug tube?

#431

⇓

[announcer] Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light!

#432

⇓

Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea!

#433

⇓

Bud Light: we can't stop doing sex stuff.

#434

⇓

[♪ jaunty music playing]

#435

⇓

Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history.

#436

⇓

Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school

#437

⇓

reading remains completely unchanged.

#438

⇓

[Twain] Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium.

#439

⇓

- [Brian] Uh-oh. - We've got the largest selection anywhere,

#440

⇓

and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools.

#441

⇓

We pay cash for our new tubes,

#442

⇓

saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges.

#443

⇓

And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast.

#444

⇓

I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less.

#445

⇓

But don't take my word for it.

#446

⇓

Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan.

#447

⇓

I demand peak performance.

#448

⇓

So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain.

#449

⇓

You can trust Twain Tubes,

#450

⇓

man and boy operated since 1878.

#451

⇓

That's gonna be hard to undo.

#452

⇓

[Chris] Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?

#453

⇓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

#454

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