Giffer
Tags
๐ Hall of Fame
Searchโฆ
โK
โถ Hover
Login
โฅ Saved GIFs
โ
Loadingโฆ
View all favorites โ
Home
»
Family Guy
» S23E18 โ Twain's World
Family Guy
Season 23, Episode 18 โ Twain's World
Combine Images
Download ZIP
Clear
โ
โ
โง
โ
View image page โ
โฎ
โฏ
โ
โง
โ
- [โช theme music playing] - โช It seems today that all you see โช
music
music-playing
playing
seems
seems-today
theme
theme-music
theme-music-playing
today
โ
โง
โ
โช Is violence in movies And sex on TV โช
movies
violence
โ
โง
โ
โช But where are those Good old-fashioned values โช
fashioned
fashioned-values
values
โ
โง
โ
[all] โช On which we used to rely? โช
rely
used
โ
โง
โ
โช Lucky there's a family guy โช
family
lucky
โ
โง
โ
โช Lucky there's a man who Positively can do โช
lucky
positively
โ
โง
โ
โช All the things That make us โช
โ
โง
โ
โช Laugh and cry โช
laugh
โ
โง
โ
[all] โช He's a family guy! โช
family
โ
โง
โ
Do you even have an idea?
idea
โ
โง
โ
Okay, a dog who's in a writing class
class
writing
โ
โง
โ
desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m.
desperately
idea
needs
โ
โง
โ
Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize.
apologize
light
โ
โง
โ
We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year.
beer
cans
five
trans
trust
violated
woman
โ
โง
โ
You protested and we learned.
learned
โ
โง
โ
Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity.
beer
heterosexual
identity
light
โ
โง
โ
Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do.
calories
counting
figures
watching
โ
โง
โ
So we have a simple plan to win you back.
plan
simple
โ
โง
โ
Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer.
beer
free
penis
prove
โ
โง
โ
It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then.
date
mustve
tough
โ
โง
โ
- Jules? - Ashley?
ashley
โ
โง
โ
Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.
waste
โ
โง
โ
I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine,
machine
โ
โง
โ
we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track?
meet
track
writing
โ
โง
โ
You'd do that for me?
โ
โง
โ
Of course I would, old friend.
course
friend
โ
โง
โ
[whirring]
whirring
โ
โง
โ
I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.
ashley
bringing
โ
โง
โ
She sounds so hot.
sounds
โ
โง
โ
[โช dramatic music playing]
dramatic
dramatic-music
dramatic-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
โ
โง
โ
This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time,
bible
book
gospel
popular
wrote
โ
โง
โ
so he's got to have some good advice.
advice
โ
โง
โ
Luke can see you now.
luke
โ
โง
โ
Welcome, gentlemen.
gentlemen
welcome
โ
โง
โ
If I knew you guys were coming,
coming
โ
โง
โ
I'd have taken a shower four months ago.
four
four-months
months
shower
taken
โ
โง
โ
So Bathsheba said you're a writer?
writer
โ
โง
โ
Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets.
love
secrets
โ
โง
โ
Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid.
afraid
swings
โ
โง
โ
Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy,
working
โ
โง
โ
mom's a whore, friends betray him,
betray
friends
moms
whore
โ
โง
โ
he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life,
days
life
three
three-days
whacked
โ
โง
โ
running around like a zombie hippie.
hippie
running
zombie
โ
โง
โ
No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess.
mess
offense
sounds
โ
โง
โ
Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway.
audience
cares
entire
staring
โ
โง
โ
[โช jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
โ
โง
โ
How was I able to focus
able
focus
โ
โง
โ
to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?
cities
david
oliver
tale
twist
write
โ
โง
โ
Well, writing is the only distraction
distraction
writing
โ
โง
โ
from how literally everything in London reeks of feces.
feces
london
reeks
โ
โง
โ
You should simply stool on your desk.
desk
simply
stool
โ
โง
โ
Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench.
avoid
choice
stench
write
โ
โง
โ
You're not going to remember that?
remember
โ
โง
โ
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression--
depression
struggling
โ
โง
โ
Someone's not gonna kill themselves
kill
someones
โ
โง
โ
because a cartoon dog said don't.
cartoon
โ
โง
โ
[โช jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
โ
โง
โ
If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow
till
till-tomorrow
tomorrow
writer
โ
โง
โ
what you can do the day after tomorrow.",
tomorrow
โ
โง
โ
So good. Just dead on, man.
dead
โ
โง
โ
Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know?
apron
feels
wine
โ
โง
โ
Suppose you were an idiot.
idiot
suppose
โ
โง
โ
Now, suppose you were a member of Congress.
congress
member
suppose
โ
โง
โ
But I repeat myself.
repeat
โ
โง
โ
[laughing] Oh, man, we are both on fire right now.
fire
laughing
โ
โง
โ
Both?
โ
โง
โ
Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future.
future
twain
โ
โง
โ
He's not gonna know that one.
โ
โง
โ
I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers.
confess
meet
must
surprised
travelers
โ
โง
โ
I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee
connecticut
story
working
yankee
โ
โง
โ
being magically transported into King Arthur's Court.
court
king
magically
โ
โง
โ
Oh, word?
word
โ
โง
โ
It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds.
tears
wizard
โ
โง
โ
I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train".
train
twain
โ
โง
โ
Feels like we're winding down here.
feels
โ
โง
โ
Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes?
another
cigarettes
โ
โง
โ
You know, giving up smoking is easy.
easy
giving
smoking
โ
โง
โ
I've done it hundreds of times.
hundreds
times
โ
โง
โ
I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such.
addicted
โ
โง
โ
Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.
real
โ
โง
โ
[laughing]
laughing
โ
โง
โ
I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash.
butts
makes
โ
โง
โ
- Oh, we did it again. - He did it again.
โ
โง
โ
I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.
perfectly
setting
โ
โง
โ
Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me?
twain
write
โ
โง
โ
Interesting proposal.
interesting
proposal
โ
โง
โ
I suppose I should be hesitant
suppose
โ
โง
โ
but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe.
debt
might
paying
worrying
โ
โง
โ
Mark Twain.
mark
mark-twain
twain
โ
โง
โ
Did you just quote yourself?
quote
โ
โง
โ
Yes, Mark Twain.
mark
mark-twain
twain
โ
โง
โ
- So you'll do it? - I'd love to see the future,
future
love
โ
โง
โ
and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel,
chance
itll
novel
โ
โง
โ
"The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan".
adventures
flan
โ
โง
โ
You mean Huckleberry Finn?
finn
โ
โง
โ
See, that's already better.
โ
โง
โ
I'll go fetch the manuscript.
fetch
โ
โง
โ
Brian, this is a terrible idea.
brian
idea
โ
โง
โ
We could change the course of history.
change
course
history
โ
โง
โ
You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck?
history
suck
โ
โง
โ
I mean, the Crusades, Hitler--
hitler
โ
โง
โ
Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle.
harry
marrying
meghan
prince
โ
โง
โ
Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.
wives
โ
โง
โ
[โช jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
โ
โง
โ
So what do you think we should write about?
write
โ
โง
โ
Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy
best
stories
โ
โง
โ
going on an unsupervised journey.
journey
unsupervised
โ
โง
โ
For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.
reasons
second
state
table
โ
โง
โ
What if Merlin--
โ
โง
โ
We're gonna put a pin in Merlin.
โ
โง
โ
It's your grave, pal.
grave
โ
โง
โ
Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.
focus
spectacular
write
โ
โง
โ
Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather
character
weather
โ
โง
โ
in New England, wait a minute. It'll change."
change
england
itll
minute
โ
โง
โ
Well that normally gets a huge laugh.
huge
laugh
normally
โ
โง
โ
Let's build the book around that.
book
build
โ
โง
โ
No, it's got to be real and compelling
compelling
real
โ
โง
โ
and ripped from the headlines.
headlines
ripped
โ
โง
โ
Maybe something about a murdered woman.
murdered
woman
โ
โง
โ
Why would anyone care if a woman died?
care
died
woman
โ
โง
โ
Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years.
changed
past
past-years
worlds
years
โ
โง
โ
We should catch you up on everything you've missed.
catch
missed
โ
โง
โ
In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid--
laid
line
telephone
โ
โง
โ
Soon after the United States entered something called World War I--
called
entered
states
united
united-states
world
โ
โง
โ
Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II--
called
germany
world
โ
โง
โ
And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon--
armstrong
became
moon
neil
walk
โ
โง
โ
Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce--
dating
started
started-dating
swift
taylor
โ
โง
โ
Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again.
christmas
merry
merry-christmas
trump
โ
โง
โ
So that's it. That's history.
history
โ
โง
โ
My goodness gracious. Wow.
goodness
gracious
โ
โง
โ
So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?
flashlight
flesh
โ
โง
โ
From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory
duct
duct-taped
prototype
taped
โ
โง
โ
wonder of today,
today
wonder
โ
โง
โ
the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.
america
story
tube
โ
โง
โ
I don't know why we invited Chris.
chris
invited
โ
โง
โ
[โช upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
โ
โง
โ
Okay, what about a murder mystery?
murder
mystery
โ
โง
โ
But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?"
โ
โง
โ
- I hate that. - A "Where-done-it?"
hate
โ
โง
โ
I wish you had dysentery,
wish
โ
โง
โ
because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.
coming
hole
least
โ
โง
โ
A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.
wyoming
โ
โง
โ
Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun.
needs
wyoming
โ
โง
โ
We don't say that anymore.
anymore
โ
โง
โ
A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief.
liar
thief
โ
โง
โ
He robs graves.
robs
โ
โง
โ
I think more details just make it worse.
details
worse
โ
โง
โ
And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.
boys
slave
takes
teenage
vacations
โ
โง
โ
Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum,
steals
terrorist
worlds
โ
โง
โ
then gets murdered by an NFT?
murdered
โ
โง
โ
I have no idea what any of that is.
idea
โ
โง
โ
Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum?
โ
โง
โ
Could it be Dogecoin?
โ
โง
โ
Some of these women are powerful attractive.
attractive
powerful
women
โ
โง
โ
- What women? - On this hub, this hub of pornographs.
women
โ
โง
โ
I need to use this outhouse for a moment.
moment
โ
โง
โ
[Twain] What is a Latina?
latina
twain
โ
โง
โ
It's like a regular woman, but different.
regular
woman
โ
โง
โ
I think I like it.
โ
โง
โ
[โช jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
โ
โง
โ
Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona,
arizona
fisherman
imagine
โ
โง
โ
falls in love with a vegan.
falls
love
vegan
โ
โง
โ
And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life?
fish
life
reason
save
โ
โง
โ
[cell phone pings]
cell
cell-phone
phone
โ
โง
โ
Hang on. Stewie's texting me.
hang
texting
โ
โง
โ
Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff.
phone
stuff
โ
โง
โ
We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone.
phone
โ
โง
โ
I always say, find a job
โ
โง
โ
you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life.
enjoy
life
โ
โง
โ
And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.
looking
โ
โง
โ
I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.
brought
masturbate
novel
write
โ
โง
โ
Novels are stupid and meaningless.
meaningless
stupid
โ
โง
โ
I've been here a month
month
โ
โง
โ
and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.
book
entire
reading
seen
โ
โง
โ
The only thing that matters in this world is pornography.
matters
pornography
world
โ
โง
โ
It makes everyone feel alive.
alive
makes
โ
โง
โ
No, literature is important.
literature
โ
โง
โ
Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.
convinced
life
writing
โ
โง
โ
Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset,
brian
lived
sunset
โ
โง
โ
lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.
cinnamon
highlight
life
lost
tasting
teeth
โ
โง
โ
That's how all our great art was created.
created
โ
โง
โ
By undistracted people who could cultivate genius.
genius
โ
โง
โ
We were all idiots.
idiots
โ
โง
โ
I'd seen nothing.
seen
โ
โง
โ
I thought Hartford was amazing.
amazing
โ
โง
โ
And now I wanna see it all.
โ
โง
โ
A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders.
penis
vagina
woman
wonders
โ
โง
โ
Please keep your voice down.
voice
โ
โง
โ
Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.
agree
โ
โง
โ
Raise your hand if you like novels.
hand
raise
โ
โง
โ
Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres.
giant
hand
raise
shiny
โ
โง
โ
[all agreeing]
agreeing
โ
โง
โ
See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.
best
book
masturbation
worst
โ
โง
โ
Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand.
brian
penis
phone
place
stand
world
โ
โง
โ
And I have two of the three.
three
โ
โง
โ
- Give me your phone. - No.
phone
โ
โง
โ
Brian as your friend,
brian
friend
โ
โง
โ
I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.
demanding
paddle
wheel
โ
โง
โ
Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.
absolutely
mark
mark-twain
twain
โ
โง
โ
Then you've left me no choice.
choice
left
โ
โง
โ
[grunting and groaning]
groaning
grunting
โ
โง
โ
My scones! My cakepops!
โ
โง
โ
My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like!
model
sandwich
โ
โง
โ
I love porn.
love
porn
โ
โง
โ
I want to make porn.
porn
โ
โง
โ
I want to be porn!
porn
โ
โง
โ
[Brian groaning]
brian
groaning
โ
โง
โ
Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich,
ordering
sandwich
thinking
โ
โง
โ
but I have no idea what it looks like.
idea
โ
โง
โ
[โช upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
โ
โง
โ
You turned one of the greatest writers
greatest
turned
writers
โ
โง
โ
in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where.
addict
history
knows
porn
โ
โง
โ
- I know it's a real "Where-done-it." - What?
real
โ
โง
โ
Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.
idea
left
mark
mark-twain
twain
โ
โง
โ
Brian, you've now thrown history off course.
brian
course
history
thrown
โ
โง
โ
This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted.
bigger
disaster
mount
โ
โง
โ
Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.
agreed
glad
honey
today
โ
โง
โ
Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.
finds
โ
โง
โ
It's just one class.
class
โ
โง
โ
It's not like you're gonna be here forever.
forever
โ
โง
โ
[mountain rumbling]
mountain
rumbling
โ
โง
โ
Mark Twain will be fine.
mark
mark-twain
twain
โ
โง
โ
Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand.
asleep
brian
cigar
fall
fall-asleep
hand
โ
โง
โ
Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history.
history
mark
mark-twain
twain
โ
โง
โ
His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that.
lose
โ
โง
โ
- What do you mean? - He left the manuscript for Huck Finn.
finn
huck
huck-finn
left
โ
โง
โ
I handed it in to my professor.
handed
professor
โ
โง
โ
The quality is undeniable.
quality
undeniable
โ
โง
โ
He'll pass it on to his publisher.
pass
โ
โง
โ
And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.
brian
finn
griffin
huck
huck-finn
twain
โ
โง
โ
You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?
finn
huck
huck-finn
โ
โง
โ
Smart, right?
smart
โ
โง
โ
Did you make any changes before you gave it to him?
changes
โ
โง
โ
To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not.
course
mark
โ
โง
โ
Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn?
brian
finn
huck
huck-finn
read
โ
โง
โ
Actually, no. Why?
โ
โง
โ
I was more offended than I've ever been in my life.
life
offended
โ
โง
โ
And then I read your book.
book
read
โ
โง
โ
You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning.
trigger
violence
warning
โ
โง
โ
You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning.
trigger
warning
โ
โง
โ
I'm afraid of trigger warnings.
afraid
trigger
โ
โง
โ
The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.
dripping
privilege
white
whole
โ
โง
โ
I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern.
pattern
skin
white
โ
โง
โ
And it takes place on stolen land.
land
place
stolen
takes
takes-place
โ
โง
โ
Where are you sitting now?
sitting
โ
โง
โ
Huck lives with two women
huck
lives
women
โ
โง
โ
but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers.
lesbian
lovers
sisters
โ
โง
โ
Why do you hate women?
hate
hate-women
women
โ
โง
โ
You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.
grooming
grown
traveling
young
โ
โง
โ
They were on an adventure.
adventure
โ
โง
โ
You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him?
baby
grooming
hanging
โ
โง
โ
- No! - Plus putting them on a raft,
plus
putting
raft
โ
โง
โ
that's able-ist. Brian.
able
brian
โ
โง
โ
We all want to take the ride.
ride
โ
โง
โ
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn
adventures
finn
โ
โง
โ
is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork.
finest
written
โ
โง
โ
Oh, there it is, the word master.
master
word
โ
โง
โ
You're worse than the school shooter last year.
school
school-shooter
shooter
worse
โ
โง
โ
At least he knew everyone's pronouns.
everyones
least
โ
โง
โ
- I know you're a they. - I'm a whom, you pig.
โ
โง
โ
There's whom's now?
โ
โง
โ
Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races,
races
swimming
winning
โ
โง
โ
so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important.
amateur
everyones
super
swimming
โ
โง
โ
What do you think?
โ
โง
โ
Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?
crazy
finn
huck
huck-finn
โ
โง
โ
It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace.
awful
brian
disgrace
โ
โง
โ
And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen.
anti
flawed
hero
joes
ultimately
โ
โง
โ
No, consider yourself canceled, expelled
canceled
consider
expelled
โ
โง
โ
and, worst of all, banned from my webinars.
banned
worst
โ
โง
โ
Fine. I'll get out of your hair.
hair
โ
โง
โ
Professor, can I take five for mental health?
five
health
mental
mental-health
professor
โ
โง
โ
Legally, I can't say no.
legally
โ
โง
โ
So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.
five
free
health
mental
mental-health
wants
โ
โง
โ
[all chattering]
chattering
โ
โง
โ
[โช upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
โ
โง
โ
It's just a dumb community college, Brian.
brian
college
community
community-college
dumb
โ
โง
โ
How bad can it hurt your reputation?
hurt
reputation
โ
โง
โ
Just watch some TV and relax.
relax
watch
โ
โง
โ
[announcer] And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits
announcer
credits
lives
night
opening
saturday
saturday-night
sound
โ
โง
โ
once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke!
โ
โง
โ
T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson!
โ
โง
โ
Jonathan Jonathan!
jonathan
โ
โง
โ
Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein!
โ
โง
โ
Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman!
blue
โ
โง
โ
Dildonna Wam-Wam!
โ
โง
โ
Kenan's still here?
โ
โง
โ
- Who are these people? - Finally a cast for my generation.
cast
finally
generation
โ
โง
โ
Thanks. I feel a little better.
thanks
โ
โง
โ
[Tom Tucker] We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report.
bring
interrupt
peacock
report
tucker
โ
โง
โ
We can do that now.
โ
โง
โ
Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner,"
corner
tucker
โ
โง
โ
Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in
brian
brian-griffin
griffin
handed
local
proudly
rough
writer
โ
โง
โ
a racist, sexist screed to his writing class.
class
racist
sexist
writing
โ
โง
โ
Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list,
anthony
brians
casey
knocks
list
โ
โง
โ
so I have a call to make.
โ
โง
โ
I can't believe this.
believe
โ
โง
โ
If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.
author
famous
mark
mark-twain
twain
writer
โ
โง
โ
- Now I'm ruined. - That's your takeaway?
ruined
takeaway
โ
โง
โ
You tried to steal his book.
book
steal
tried
โ
โง
โ
You think you're the victim here?
victim
โ
โง
โ
Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it.
finn
huck
huck-finn
name
โ
โง
โ
People are so anti dog, it's insane.
anti
insane
โ
โง
โ
Guys, we have a bigger problem here.
bigger
bigger-problem
problem
โ
โง
โ
Your little stunt ruined porn.
porn
ruined
stunt
โ
โง
โ
What are you talking about?
โ
โง
โ
Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.
mark
mark-twain
movie
stupid
twain
โ
โง
โ
It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool
closed
fool
legs
โ
โง
โ
than to open them and remove all doubt.
doubt
open
remove
โ
โง
โ
The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room.
room
spent
summer
winter
โ
โง
โ
I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia.
kids
โ
โง
โ
Let them walk to school like I did.
school
walk
โ
โง
โ
That's not even Twain.
twain
โ
โง
โ
He stole it from Yogi Berra!
stole
โ
โง
โ
That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain
bring
mark
mark-twain
twain
โ
โง
โ
back into the past and undo this whole thing.
past
undo
whole
โ
โง
โ
Fine. How are we gonna find him?
โ
โง
โ
He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.
avenue
block
california
โ
โง
โ
I have a condition called Datassbergers.
called
condition
condition-called
โ
โง
โ
It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at.
allows
identify
immediately
โ
โง
โ
How the hell are we supposed to get to California?
california
supposed
โ
โง
โ
Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man
best
smart
stories
โ
โง
โ
and a boy making an unsupervised journey.
journey
unsupervised
โ
โง
โ
[โช upbeat music playing]
music
music-playing
playing
upbeat
upbeat-music
upbeat-music-playing
โ
โง
โ
โช A man and a boy on an adventure โช
adventure
โ
โง
โ
โช Just like Mark Twain wrote about in Huck Finn โช
finn
huck
huck-finn
mark
mark-twain
twain
wrote
โ
โง
โ
โช Is that his dad? โช
โ
โง
โ
โช No, that's a stranger โช
stranger
โ
โง
โ
โช I guess that was normal โช
normal
โ
โง
โ
โช The time they were in โช
โ
โง
โ
โช People now just assume there'd be molestation โช
assume
molestation
thered
โ
โง
โ
โช With a man and a boy โช
โ
โง
โ
โช That's a sad reflection โช
reflection
โ
โง
โ
โช Where we are as a nation โช
nation
โ
โง
โ
โช It's just a man and a boy โช
โ
โง
โ
โช In the olden days that's just what happened โช
days
happened
olden
olden-days
โ
โง
โ
โช It was all men with boys โช
boys
โ
โง
โ
โช Don't call the police or worry the least โช
least
police
worry
โ
โง
โ
โช 'Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest โช
priest
talked
โ
โง
โ
โช If he was, that's a whole different story โช
story
whole
โ
โง
โ
โช A man and a boy A man and a boy โช
โ
โง
โ
โช It's a man and a boy โช
โ
โง
โ
โช Just a man and a boy โช
โ
โง
โ
โช A man and a boy A man and a boy โช
โ
โง
โ
โช Let's not ask questions โช
questions
โ
โง
โ
โช Let's all just enjoy โช
enjoy
โ
โง
โ
โช The man with the boy โช
โ
โง
โ
That whole time, we just went 30 miles?
miles
whole
โ
โง
โ
Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way.
plane
rest
โ
โง
โ
[โช mellow music playing]
mellow
music
music-playing
playing
โ
โง
โ
Mark?
mark
โ
โง
โ
What happened?
happened
โ
โง
โ
This industry chewed me up and spit me out.
chewed
industry
spit
โ
โง
โ
Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters,
aware
weeks
โ
โง
โ
and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon.
worst
โ
โง
โ
Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault.
fault
โ
โง
โ
- [thud] - Ow!
thud
โ
โง
โ
I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock.
oclock
wish
โ
โง
โ
And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27...
โ
โง
โ
Brian, this is one of our great writers,
brian
writers
โ
โง
โ
and now he's being used as a human Kleenex.
human
kleenex
used
โ
โง
โ
Wait! Mister Twain,
mister
twain
โ
โง
โ
my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours.
responsibility
writer
โ
โง
โ
I don't wanna ruin your life too.
life
ruin
โ
โง
โ
Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books.
books
pornography
write
โ
โง
โ
Please let us bring you home.
bring
home
โ
โง
โ
Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?
father
gotten
revenge
โ
โง
โ
Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him.
showed
slutty
stuff
โ
โง
โ
Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me.
saving
thanks
โ
โง
โ
You're good men.
โ
โง
โ
No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me.
touch
โ
โง
โ
You'll land in 1870.
land
โ
โง
โ
Just step off and it's programmed to return here.
programmed
return
step
โ
โง
โ
Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute,
minute
โ
โง
โ
it'll change.
change
itll
โ
โง
โ
I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious.
conviction
deep
hilarious
maintain
โ
โง
โ
- [whirring] - [loud bang]
bang
loud
whirring
โ
โง
โ
Did he just grab a tug tube?
grab
tube
โ
โง
โ
[announcer] Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light!
announcer
brought
family
light
โ
โง
โ
Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea!
addicted
bringing
future
idea
mark
mark-twain
porn
twain
โ
โง
โ
Bud Light: we can't stop doing sex stuff.
light
stuff
โ
โง
โ
[โช jaunty music playing]
jaunty
jaunty-music
jaunty-music-playing
music
music-playing
playing
โ
โง
โ
Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history.
brian
history
literary
saved
โ
โง
โ
Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school
offensive
school
thanks
โ
โง
โ
reading remains completely unchanged.
completely
reading
remains
unchanged
โ
โง
โ
[Twain] Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium.
fifth
mark
mark-twain
tube
twain
โ
โง
โ
- [Brian] Uh-oh. - We've got the largest selection anywhere,
brian
largest
selection
โ
โง
โ
and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools.
feet
located
schools
โ
โง
โ
We pay cash for our new tubes,
cash
tubes
โ
โง
โ
saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges.
charges
dollars
finance
month
saving
thousands
โ
โง
โ
And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast.
coast
east
east-coast
largest
selection
tubes
used
โ
โง
โ
I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less.
costs
less
sell
used
โ
โง
โ
But don't take my word for it.
word
โ
โง
โ
Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan.
duncan
legend
โ
โง
โ
I demand peak performance.
demand
peak
performance
โ
โง
โ
So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain.
finish
finish-line
line
reach
twain
โ
โง
โ
You can trust Twain Tubes,
trust
tubes
twain
โ
โง
โ
man and boy operated since 1878.
โ
โง
โ
That's gonna be hard to undo.
hard
undo
โ
โง
โ
[Chris] Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?
chris
dishwasher
twain
โ
โง
โ
[โช closing theme music playing]
closing
closing-theme
closing-theme-music
music
music-playing
playing
theme
theme-music
theme-music-playing
Combine Images
Download ZIP
Clear Selection
Combined Images
โ
ESC
โจ
Keyboard Shortcuts
โ
โ
/
Ctrl
+
K
Open command palette
?
Show this shortcuts panel
R
Surprise Me โ jump to a random GIF
โ
โ
Previous / next GIF (lightbox and image page)
Esc
Close the open lightbox, drawer, or palette