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Home » Family Guy » S23E18 — Twain's World

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 18 — Twain's World

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- [♪ theme music playing] - ♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

music music-playing playing seems seems-today theme theme-music theme-music-playing today

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♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things That make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

Do you even have an idea?

idea

↓

Okay, a dog who's in a writing class

class writing

↓

desperately needs an idea at 2:43 p.m.

desperately idea needs

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Hi, I'm the C.E.O. of Bud Light, here to apologize.

apologize light

↓

We violated your trust when we gave five cans of beer to a trans woman last year.

beer cans five trans trust violated woman

↓

You protested and we learned.

learned

↓

Light beer is the cornerstone of your heterosexual identity.

beer heterosexual identity light

↓

Counting calories and watching our figures, it's what guys do.

calories counting figures watching

↓

So we have a simple plan to win you back.

plan simple

↓

Prove to us you've always had a penis and we'll give you free beer.

beer free penis prove

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It is? God, it must've been so tough to date back then.

date mustve tough

↓

- Jules? - Ashley?

ashley

↓

Well, this was a waste of a nosegay.

waste

↓

I'll tell you what. How about I take you back in the time machine,

machine

↓

we meet some of the greats and they help get your writing on track?

meet track writing

↓

You'd do that for me?

↓

Of course I would, old friend.

course friend

↓

[whirring]

whirring

↓

I'm bringing a nosegay for Ashley.

ashley bringing

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She sounds so hot.

sounds

↓

[♪ dramatic music playing]

dramatic dramatic-music dramatic-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

This guy wrote a gospel, and the Bible is the most popular book of all time,

bible book gospel popular wrote

↓

so he's got to have some good advice.

advice

↓

Luke can see you now.

luke

↓

Welcome, gentlemen.

gentlemen welcome

↓

If I knew you guys were coming,

coming

↓

I'd have taken a shower four months ago.

four four-months months shower taken

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So Bathsheba said you're a writer?

writer

↓

Yeah, I'd love to know your secrets.

love secrets

↓

Just take big swings, man. Don't be afraid.

afraid swings

↓

Like right now. I'm working on this sci fi thing about a guy,

working

↓

mom's a whore, friends betray him,

betray friends moms whore

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he gets whacked. Three days later, he's back to life,

days life three three-days whacked

↓

running around like a zombie hippie.

hippie running zombie

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No offense. It sounds like a bit of a mess.

mess offense sounds

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Who cares? The entire audience is just staring at their sundials anyway.

audience cares entire staring

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[♪ jaunty music playing]

jaunty jaunty-music jaunty-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

How was I able to focus

able focus

↓

to write David Copperfield, A Tale of Two Cities and Oliver Twist?

cities david oliver tale twist write

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Well, writing is the only distraction

distraction writing

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from how literally everything in London reeks of feces.

feces london reeks

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You should simply stool on your desk.

desk simply stool

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Then you'll have no choice but to write to avoid the stench.

avoid choice stench write

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You're not going to remember that?

remember

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If you or someone you know is struggling with depression--

depression struggling

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Someone's not gonna kill themselves

kill someones

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because a cartoon dog said don't.

cartoon

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[♪ jaunty music playing]

jaunty jaunty-music jaunty-music-playing music music-playing playing

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If you want to be a writer, I always say, "Never put off till tomorrow

till till-tomorrow tomorrow writer

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what you can do the day after tomorrow.",

tomorrow

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So good. Just dead on, man.

dead

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Feels like a wine mom apron to me. But what do I know?

apron feels wine

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Suppose you were an idiot.

idiot suppose

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Now, suppose you were a member of Congress.

congress member suppose

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But I repeat myself.

repeat

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[laughing] Oh, man, we are both on fire right now.

fire laughing

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Both?

↓

Well, Mr. Twain, we have to go back... to the future.

future twain

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He's not gonna know that one.

↓

I must confess, I'm not surprised to meet time travelers.

confess meet must surprised travelers

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I'm actually working on a story about a Connecticut Yankee

connecticut story working yankee

↓

being magically transported into King Arthur's Court.

court king magically

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Oh, word?

word

↓

It's a searing takedown of Merlin the Wizard. Just tears Merlin to shreds.

tears wizard

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I don't know how Merlin ever recovers after being hit by the "Twain train".

train twain

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Feels like we're winding down here.

feels

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Before you leave, may I cadge another one of those wondrous cigarettes?

another cigarettes

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You know, giving up smoking is easy.

easy giving smoking

↓

I've done it hundreds of times.

hundreds times

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I have likewise too been addicted, perchance, forsooth and such.

addicted

↓

Yes, you've made a real ash of yourself.

real

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[laughing]

laughing

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I guess that makes me a bum bumming butts from an ash.

butts makes

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- Oh, we did it again. - He did it again.

↓

I know, I'm setting him up perfectly.

perfectly setting

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Mr. Twain, would you like to come back to our time and write with me?

twain write

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Interesting proposal.

interesting proposal

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I suppose I should be hesitant

suppose

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but worrying is like paying a debt you might not even owe.

debt might paying worrying

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Mark Twain.

mark mark-twain twain

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Did you just quote yourself?

quote

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Yes, Mark Twain.

mark mark-twain twain

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- So you'll do it? - I'd love to see the future,

future love

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and it'll give me a chance to proofread my new novel,

chance itll novel

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"The Adventures of Hankenberry Flan".

adventures flan

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You mean Huckleberry Finn?

finn

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See, that's already better.

↓

I'll go fetch the manuscript.

fetch

↓

Brian, this is a terrible idea.

brian idea

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We could change the course of history.

change course history

↓

You always say that but doesn't history pretty much suck?

history suck

↓

I mean, the Crusades, Hitler--

hitler

↓

Prince Harry marrying Meghan Markle.

harry marrying meghan prince

↓

Again? Oh, like all of your wives are so much better.

wives

↓

[♪ jaunty music playing]

jaunty jaunty-music jaunty-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

So what do you think we should write about?

write

↓

Well, the best stories are all about a man and a boy

best stories

↓

going on an unsupervised journey.

journey unsupervised

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For reasons too long to state here, we're gonna table that for a second.

reasons second state table

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What if Merlin--

↓

We're gonna put a pin in Merlin.

↓

It's your grave, pal.

grave

↓

Can you please focus? We need to write something spectacular.

focus spectacular write

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Fine. A character should say, "If you don't like the weather

character weather

↓

in New England, wait a minute. It'll change."

change england itll minute

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Well that normally gets a huge laugh.

huge laugh normally

↓

Let's build the book around that.

book build

↓

No, it's got to be real and compelling

compelling real

↓

and ripped from the headlines.

headlines ripped

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Maybe something about a murdered woman.

murdered woman

↓

Why would anyone care if a woman died?

care died woman

↓

Okay, the world's changed a lot in the past 150 years.

changed past past-years worlds years

↓

We should catch you up on everything you've missed.

catch missed

↓

In 1915, the first transcontinental telephone line was laid--

laid line telephone

↓

Soon after the United States entered something called World War I--

called entered states united united-states world

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Then Germany was back at it again for something called World War II--

called germany world

↓

And so Neil Armstrong, became the first man to walk on the moon--

armstrong became moon neil walk

↓

Taylor Swift started dating Travis Kelce--

dating started started-dating swift taylor

↓

Trump was reelected, and now we can say, "Merry Christmas" again.

christmas merry merry-christmas trump

↓

So that's it. That's history.

history

↓

My goodness gracious. Wow.

goodness gracious

↓

So can you tell me about that flesh flashlight again?

flashlight flesh

↓

From duct taped prototype to the CAD-engineered vibratory

duct duct-taped prototype taped

↓

wonder of today,

today wonder

↓

the story of the tug tube is really the story of America itself.

america story tube

↓

I don't know why we invited Chris.

chris invited

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

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Okay, what about a murder mystery?

murder mystery

↓

But instead of a "Who-done-it" it's a "When-done-it?"

↓

- I hate that. - A "Where-done-it?"

hate

↓

I wish you had dysentery,

wish

↓

because at least then it would be coming out of the right hole.

coming hole least

↓

A mislead could be it's Cheyenne, Wyoming.

wyoming

↓

Well, if it's in Wyoming, there needs to be an Injun.

needs wyoming

↓

We don't say that anymore.

anymore

↓

A big, murderous Injun, who's a liar and a thief.

liar thief

↓

He robs graves.

robs

↓

I think more details just make it worse.

details worse

↓

And a slave who takes vacations with teenage boys.

boys slave takes teenage vacations

↓

Okay, new thought. What if a QAnon terrorist steals the world's Ethereum,

steals terrorist worlds

↓

then gets murdered by an NFT?

murdered

↓

I have no idea what any of that is.

idea

↓

Here, look it up. Does it have to be Ethereum?

↓

Could it be Dogecoin?

↓

Some of these women are powerful attractive.

attractive powerful women

↓

- What women? - On this hub, this hub of pornographs.

women

↓

I need to use this outhouse for a moment.

moment

↓

[Twain] What is a Latina?

latina twain

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It's like a regular woman, but different.

regular woman

↓

I think I like it.

↓

[♪ jaunty music playing]

jaunty jaunty-music jaunty-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Okay, imagine if the only fisherman in Phoenix, Arizona,

arizona fisherman imagine

↓

falls in love with a vegan.

falls love vegan

↓

And for some reason she has to eat fish to save his life?

fish life reason save

↓

[cell phone pings]

cell cell-phone phone

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Hang on. Stewie's texting me.

hang texting

↓

Give me your phone. I want to look at stuff.

phone stuff

↓

We've gotta work. And I know what you do with my phone.

phone

↓

I always say, find a job

↓

you enjoy doing and you will never work a day in your life.

enjoy life

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And my job is looking at oily bazoombas.

looking

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I brought you here to help me write a great novel, not masturbate.

brought masturbate novel write

↓

Novels are stupid and meaningless.

meaningless stupid

↓

I've been here a month

month

↓

and haven't seen anyone reading a book this entire time.

book entire reading seen

↓

The only thing that matters in this world is pornography.

matters pornography world

↓

It makes everyone feel alive.

alive makes

↓

No, literature is important.

literature

↓

Your work convinced me to dedicate my life to writing.

convinced life writing

↓

Brian, I lived at a time when you went to bed at sunset,

brian lived sunset

↓

lost your teeth at 19, and the highlight of your life was maybe tasting cinnamon.

cinnamon highlight life lost tasting teeth

↓

That's how all our great art was created.

created

↓

By undistracted people who could cultivate genius.

genius

↓

We were all idiots.

idiots

↓

I'd seen nothing.

seen

↓

I thought Hartford was amazing.

amazing

↓

And now I wanna see it all.

↓

A woman with a penis, a man with a vagina. And other curios, oddities and wonders.

penis vagina woman wonders

↓

Please keep your voice down.

voice

↓

Why? These good people would assuredly agree with me.

agree

↓

Raise your hand if you like novels.

hand raise

↓

Now raise your hand if you like Latinos with giant, shiny derrieres.

giant hand raise shiny

↓

[all agreeing]

agreeing

↓

See? The worst masturbation is better than the best book.

best book masturbation worst

↓

Brian, all I need in this world is a penis, a phone and a place to stand.

brian penis phone place stand world

↓

And I have two of the three.

three

↓

- Give me your phone. - No.

phone

↓

Brian as your friend,

brian friend

↓

I'm demanding that you let me paddle my wheel.

demanding paddle wheel

↓

Absolutely not. The Mark Twain I know is better than this.

absolutely mark mark-twain twain

↓

Then you've left me no choice.

choice left

↓

[grunting and groaning]

groaning grunting

↓

My scones! My cakepops!

↓

My model egg sandwich to show everyone what an egg sandwich looks like!

model sandwich

↓

I love porn.

love porn

↓

I want to make porn.

porn

↓

I want to be porn!

porn

↓

[Brian groaning]

brian groaning

↓

Hi, I'm thinking of ordering an egg sandwich,

ordering sandwich thinking

↓

but I have no idea what it looks like.

idea

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

You turned one of the greatest writers

greatest turned writers

↓

in history into a porn addict. And now he's God knows where.

addict history knows porn

↓

- I know it's a real "Where-done-it." - What?

real

↓

Nothing, it's an idea Mark Twain was really high on before he left.

idea left mark mark-twain twain

↓

Brian, you've now thrown history off course.

brian course history thrown

↓

This is a bigger disaster than when Mount Vesuvius erupted.

bigger disaster mount

↓

Honey, I'm so glad you agreed to do Pilates with me today.

agreed glad honey today

↓

Yeah, as long as no one ever finds out.

finds

↓

It's just one class.

class

↓

It's not like you're gonna be here forever.

forever

↓

[mountain rumbling]

mountain rumbling

↓

Mark Twain will be fine.

mark mark-twain twain

↓

Brian, he has yet to fall asleep without a lit cigar in his hand.

asleep brian cigar fall fall-asleep hand

↓

Mark Twain, the man isn't important to history.

history mark mark-twain twain

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His work is. And we aren't gonna lose that.

lose

↓

- What do you mean? - He left the manuscript for Huck Finn.

finn huck huck-finn left

↓

I handed it in to my professor.

handed professor

↓

The quality is undeniable.

quality undeniable

↓

He'll pass it on to his publisher.

pass

↓

And Huck Finn by Brian Twain-Griffin will be as renowned as it ever was.

brian finn griffin huck huck-finn twain

↓

You gave someone Huck Finn in this era?

finn huck huck-finn

↓

Smart, right?

smart

↓

Did you make any changes before you gave it to him?

changes

↓

To Mark Twain's masterwork? Of course not.

course mark

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Brian, Have you ever read Huck Finn?

brian finn huck huck-finn read

↓

Actually, no. Why?

↓

I was more offended than I've ever been in my life.

life offended

↓

And then I read your book.

book read

↓

You portrayed violence and didn't have a trigger warning.

trigger violence warning

↓

You said "trigger warning" without a trigger warning.

trigger warning

↓

I'm afraid of trigger warnings.

afraid trigger

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The whole thing is just dripping with white privilege.

dripping privilege white whole

↓

I'm not white. My skin is like, cow pattern.

pattern skin white

↓

And it takes place on stolen land.

land place stolen takes takes-place

↓

Where are you sitting now?

sitting

↓

Huck lives with two women

huck lives women

↓

but you made them sisters instead of lesbian lovers.

lesbian lovers sisters

↓

Why do you hate women?

hate hate-women women

↓

You had a grown man traveling with and clearly grooming a young boy.

grooming grown traveling young

↓

They were on an adventure.

adventure

↓

You're always hanging out with that baby. Are you grooming him?

baby grooming hanging

↓

- No! - Plus putting them on a raft,

plus putting raft

↓

that's able-ist. Brian.

able brian

↓

We all want to take the ride.

ride

↓

The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

adventures finn

↓

is one of the finest novels ever written. It's a masterwork.

finest written

↓

Oh, there it is, the word master.

master word

↓

You're worse than the school shooter last year.

school school-shooter shooter worse

↓

At least he knew everyone's pronouns.

everyones least

↓

- I know you're a they. - I'm a whom, you pig.

↓

There's whom's now?

↓

Yeah, we're winning all the swimming races,

races swimming winning

↓

so everyone's really mad about it. Amateur swimming is super important.

amateur everyones super swimming

↓

What do you think?

↓

Am I crazy, or is Huck Finn good?

crazy finn huck huck-finn

↓

It's awful, Brian, and you're a disgrace.

awful brian disgrace

↓

And not like Joe's flawed but ultimately redeemable anti-hero Bo Bonsen.

anti flawed hero joes ultimately

↓

No, consider yourself canceled, expelled

canceled consider expelled

↓

and, worst of all, banned from my webinars.

banned worst

↓

Fine. I'll get out of your hair.

hair

↓

Professor, can I take five for mental health?

five health mental mental-health professor

↓

Legally, I can't say no.

legally

↓

So anyone who wants to take five for mental health, please feel free.

five free health mental mental-health wants

↓

[all chattering]

chattering

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

It's just a dumb community college, Brian.

brian college community community-college dumb

↓

How bad can it hurt your reputation?

hurt reputation

↓

Just watch some TV and relax.

relax watch

↓

[announcer] And now for the sound of Saturday Night Live's opening credits

announcer credits lives night opening saturday saturday-night sound

↓

once you hit 40. Flabadoo Marmaduke!

↓

T.J. Sambona! Mr. Scarlett Johansson!

↓

Jonathan Jonathan!

jonathan

↓

Fee-fi-fo-fum Feldstein!

↓

Joran Vandersloot! Blue Cookieman!

blue

↓

Dildonna Wam-Wam!

↓

Kenan's still here?

↓

- Who are these people? - Finally a cast for my generation.

cast finally generation

↓

Thanks. I feel a little better.

thanks

↓

[Tom Tucker] We interrupt Peacock to bring you this report.

bring interrupt peacock report tucker

↓

We can do that now.

↓

Hi, I'm Tom Tucker here with a new "Cancelation Corner,"

corner tucker

↓

Local canine writer, Brian Griffin, had a rough day when he proudly handed in

brian brian-griffin griffin handed local proudly rough writer

↓

a racist, sexist screed to his writing class.

class racist sexist writing

↓

Brian's cancelation knocks Casey Anthony off the list,

anthony brians casey knocks list

↓

so I have a call to make.

↓

I can't believe this.

believe

↓

If Mark Twain was a better writer, I'd be a famous author.

author famous mark mark-twain twain writer

↓

- Now I'm ruined. - That's your takeaway?

ruined takeaway

↓

You tried to steal his book.

book steal tried

↓

You think you're the victim here?

victim

↓

Oh, come on. The one time Huck Finn doesn't work is when my name is on it.

finn huck huck-finn name

↓

People are so anti dog, it's insane.

anti insane

↓

Guys, we have a bigger problem here.

bigger bigger-problem problem

↓

Your little stunt ruined porn.

porn ruined stunt

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

Every movie is now just people saying stupid Mark Twain quips.

mark mark-twain movie stupid twain

↓

It's better to keep your legs closed and let people think you're a fool

closed fool legs

↓

than to open them and remove all doubt.

doubt open remove

↓

The coldest winter I ever spent, was a summer in your mud room.

room spent summer winter

↓

I'm not gonna buy my kids an encyclopedia.

kids

↓

Let them walk to school like I did.

school walk

↓

That's not even Twain.

twain

↓

He stole it from Yogi Berra!

stole

↓

That's it. We've got to bring Mark Twain

bring mark mark-twain twain

↓

back into the past and undo this whole thing.

past undo whole

↓

Fine. How are we gonna find him?

↓

He's on the 1,500 block of Balboa Avenue in Van Nuys, California.

avenue block california

↓

I have a condition called Datassbergers.

called condition condition-called

↓

It allows me to immediately identify where dat ass at.

allows identify immediately

↓

How the hell are we supposed to get to California?

california supposed

↓

Well, a pretty smart guy told me the best stories are about a man

best smart stories

↓

and a boy making an unsupervised journey.

journey unsupervised

↓

[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

↓

♪ A man and a boy on an adventure ♪

adventure

↓

♪ Just like Mark Twain wrote about in Huck Finn ♪

finn huck huck-finn mark mark-twain twain wrote

↓

♪ Is that his dad? ♪

↓

♪ No, that's a stranger ♪

stranger

↓

♪ I guess that was normal ♪

normal

↓

♪ The time they were in ♪

↓

♪ People now just assume there'd be molestation ♪

assume molestation thered

↓

♪ With a man and a boy ♪

↓

♪ That's a sad reflection ♪

reflection

↓

♪ Where we are as a nation ♪

nation

↓

♪ It's just a man and a boy ♪

↓

♪ In the olden days that's just what happened ♪

days happened olden olden-days

↓

♪ It was all men with boys ♪

boys

↓

♪ Don't call the police or worry the least ♪

least police worry

↓

♪ 'Cause I talked to the man and he told me that he's not a priest ♪

priest talked

↓

♪ If he was, that's a whole different story ♪

story whole

↓

♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪

↓

♪ It's a man and a boy ♪

↓

♪ Just a man and a boy ♪

↓

♪ A man and a boy A man and a boy ♪

↓

♪ Let's not ask questions ♪

questions

↓

♪ Let's all just enjoy ♪

enjoy

↓

♪ The man with the boy ♪

↓

That whole time, we just went 30 miles?

miles whole

↓

Yeah, we'll take a plane the rest of the way.

plane rest

↓

[♪ mellow music playing]

mellow music music-playing playing

↓

Mark?

mark

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

This industry chewed me up and spit me out.

chewed industry spit

↓

Two weeks ago, I was scarcely aware of my own hindquarters,

aware weeks

↓

and now they've been stretched hither, thither and, worst of all, yon.

worst

↓

Oh, man, I can't help but think this is maybe in some small way, my fault.

fault

↓

- [thud] - Ow!

thud

↓

I wish I could talk, but I'm due on set at 11:00 o'clock.

oclock wish

↓

And 11:08, 11:19, 11:21, 11:27...

↓

Brian, this is one of our great writers,

brian writers

↓

and now he's being used as a human Kleenex.

human kleenex used

↓

Wait! Mister Twain,

mister twain

↓

my failures as a writer are my responsibility, not yours.

responsibility writer

↓

I don't wanna ruin your life too.

life ruin

↓

Anyone can make pornography, but only you can write your great books.

books pornography write

↓

Please let us bring you home.

bring home

↓

Do you think I've gotten enough revenge on my father?

father gotten revenge

↓

Yeah, all that slutty stuff. You really showed him.

showed slutty stuff

↓

Well, then I'll go. Thanks for saving me.

saving thanks

↓

You're good men.

↓

No, ew, ew. No, no, don't touch me.

touch

↓

You'll land in 1870.

land

↓

Just step off and it's programmed to return here.

programmed return step

↓

Hmm. I guess you could say, if you don't like the time you're in, wait a minute,

minute

↓

it'll change.

change itll

↓

I maintain my deep conviction that that is hilarious.

conviction deep hilarious maintain

↓

- [whirring] - [loud bang]

bang loud whirring

↓

Did he just grab a tug tube?

grab tube

↓

[announcer] Family Guy is brought to you by Bud Light!

announcer brought family light

↓

Bringing Mark Twain to the future to get him addicted to porn was our idea!

addicted bringing future idea mark mark-twain porn twain

↓

Bud Light: we can't stop doing sex stuff.

light stuff

↓

[♪ jaunty music playing]

jaunty jaunty-music jaunty-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Well, Brian, these dopes will never know we saved literary history.

brian history literary saved

↓

Yep. Thanks to us, quasi-offensive high school

offensive school thanks

↓

reading remains completely unchanged.

completely reading remains unchanged

↓

[Twain] Hi, I'm Mark Twain the Fifth, here for the Twain Tube Emporium.

fifth mark mark-twain tube twain

↓

- [Brian] Uh-oh. - We've got the largest selection anywhere,

brian largest selection

↓

and we're conveniently located just 801 feet from most schools.

feet located schools

↓

We pay cash for our new tubes,

cash tubes

↓

saving thousands of dollars a month in wholesale finance charges.

charges dollars finance month saving thousands

↓

And we have the largest selection of used tubes on the East Coast.

coast east east-coast largest selection tubes used

↓

I can sell you new or used for far less because our costs are less.

costs less sell used

↓

But don't take my word for it.

word

↓

Ask NASCAR legend, Cooter Duncan.

duncan legend

↓

I demand peak performance.

demand peak performance

↓

So when I've gotta reach the finish line, I make it a Twain.

finish finish-line line reach twain

↓

You can trust Twain Tubes,

trust tubes twain

↓

man and boy operated since 1878.

↓

That's gonna be hard to undo.

hard undo

↓

[Chris] Who took my Twain out of the dishwasher?

chris dishwasher twain

↓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

closing closing-theme closing-theme-music music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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