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Home » Family Guy » S23E17 — Karenheit 451

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 17 — Karenheit 451

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

Aah!

↓

Would have preferred a claw retraction on that tuck-in,

claw preferred tuck

↓

but you're new at this.

↓

Okay, tonight I'm going to read you

read tonight

↓

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

charlie chocolate factory

↓

Why did they change all this stuff?

change stuff

↓

My God, this is the worst day since 9/11.

worst

↓

Hey, guys, we're out of dry food.

food

↓

Brian, they just knocked down the World Trade Centers.

brian centers knocked trade world

↓

Oh.

↓

Did they also knock down the Petco?

knock

↓

there's an illegal

illegal

↓

underage social function on Sycamore

function social underage

↓

that's violating ordinance 313.

↓

Please respond.

respond

↓

Someone changed this classic kids' book

book changed classic kids

↓

Lois, did you have something to do with this?

lois

↓

I sure did.

↓

This was the local chapter of my bored suburban mom group.

bored chapter group local suburban

↓

It's called "Mothers Invested In Literary Fixing."

called fixing invested literary mothers

↓

MILF?

milf

↓

So you're ruining books

books ruining

↓

just because you and your weak-minded friends

friends minded weak

↓

can't handle reading them as the authors intended?

handle intended reading

↓

Oh, come on, it's just a few little changes

changes

↓

to make the books nicer.

books nicer

↓

When did nice become a bad thing?

become

↓

Kids like Stewie are little and helpless,

helpless kids stewie

↓

and their innocence needs to be protected.

innocence needs protected

↓

Hey, could you do me a favor and not cut my sack off in front of Rupert?

favor front rupert sack

↓

I'm trying to get in dem cheeks tonight.

cheeks tonight

↓

What you're doing

↓

is offensive to me as an author.

author offensive

↓

Self-published author.

author published self

↓

Well, too bad, 'cause we're just getting started.

started

↓

At tomorrow's school board meeting,

board board-meeting meeting school school-board tomorrows

↓

we'll push to replace other problematic books

books push replace

↓

with versions we approve of.

approve versions

↓

Now, if you'll excuse me,

excuse

↓

I need to get back to stuffing envelopes with these stamps

stamps stuffing

↓

featuring female heroes no one's ever heard of.

featuring female heard heroes ones

↓

Mary Lyon,

mary

↓

founded Mount Holyoke College.

college founded mount

↓

Hero!

hero

↓

Harriet Quimby,

↓

first female pilot to fly the English Channel.

channel english female pilot

↓

Hero!

hero

↓

Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman,

↓

honorary Commander

commander honorary

↓

of the Order of the British Empire.

british empire order

↓

Hero!

hero

↓

Mary Lyon,

mary

↓

founded Mount Holyoke...

founded mount

↓

Oh, my God, they just repeat, there's only three of them.

repeat three

↓

Hmm, this appears to be a shindig

appears

↓

of the high school variety.

school variety

↓

Why do you always talk so doofy?

↓

Language is my mistress,

language mistress

↓

and I like to try new positions.

positions

↓

All right, I gotta go break this up.

break

↓

Wait, let's not break it up.

break

↓

Let's wake it up!

wake

↓

Well, I guess this is a body cam cheat day.

body cheat

↓

You're all under arrest...

arrest

↓

for not partying hard enough!

hard partying

↓

Go ahead, pick another city.

ahead another city go-ahead pick

↓

Coral Gables.

↓

Three to the three to the one-four-six.

four three

↓

Whoa! Yeah, cool!

cool whoa

↓

When it comes to zip codes, I am that dude!

codes comes

↓

Cannonball!

cannonball

↓

Yeah!

↓

Oh God, that's Stacy, she can't see me here.

stacy

↓

Glenn, there shouldn't be anyone at this party

glenn party

↓

who "can't see you."

↓

Guys, they have BritBox!

↓

Who's ready for an eight-part murder mystery

eight murder mystery part ready

↓

that absolutely shatters the coastal community of Brighton?

absolutely community shatters

↓

Let's turn this party up a notch!

notch party

↓

I drank way too much last night.

drank night

↓

Why are we wearing tuxedos?

wearing

↓

Uh-oh. Apparently, we got married last night.

apparently married night

↓

It's all over TikTok.

tiktok

↓

Boy, my dad doesn't look happy,

happy

↓

but God bless him, he gave us a Cuisinart.

bless

↓

You picked R. Kelly for our first dance?

dance kelly picked

↓

I know it's wrong,

↓

but the grooves are too strong.

strong

↓

Guys, we have to fix this.

↓

Marrying each other was a huge mistake.

huge huge-mistake marrying mistake

↓

It was?

↓

Welcome to tonight's town hall.

hall tonights town welcome

↓

Now, let's open up the floor to women with little chin hairs

chin floor hairs open women

↓

when the light hits it just right.

hits light

↓

Hello, parents and concerned citizens.

citizens concerned parents

↓

There we go!

↓

Turn them off!

↓

Aww.

↓

We are MILF,

milf

↓

and we're very worried about the outdated messages

messages outdated worried

↓

in the books you're giving our kids.

books giving kids

↓

Why does James' peach need to be giant, huh?

giant james peach

↓

It's big-pitted,

↓

and we should celebrate its curves.

celebrate curves

↓

All y'all husbands follow my Instagram.

follow husbands instagram yall

↓

This is nuts!

nuts

↓

Changing books is wrong!

books changing

↓

If you don't like it, just don't read it!

read

↓

Look, I'll be honest.

honest

↓

Whoever is angriest is going to win,

↓

so have at it.

↓

Come on!

↓

Hmm, it's pretty close.

close

↓

But since it's 2025,

↓

I'm gonna go with the group of ethnically-diverse women.

diverse group women

↓

Thank God we're doing this divorce

divorce

↓

before Donna finds out.

donna finds

↓

What's this about

↓

you getting a piece of my pension?

pension piece

↓

I offered you a prenup. You declined.

declined offered

↓

Let's just get this over with, Peter.

peter

↓

But the Christmas cards already went out!

cards christmas

↓

Oh, my goodness,

goodness

↓

we really do come in all shapes and sizes!

shapes sizes

↓

Now that we got that out of the way,

↓

let's pound some brews!

pound

↓

We got married again.

married

↓

I can't believe it!

believe

↓

Why does this keep happening?

↓

Guys, don't you see? It's the alcohol!

alcohol

↓

Every time we drink,

drink

↓

we end up doing something stupid.

stupid

↓

I'm afraid that dark day has finally come.

afraid dark finally

↓

We need to stop drinking.

drinking

↓

And we need to settle up for the hotel.

hotel settle

↓

Let's see here... Cleveland and Quagmire,

cleveland quagmire

↓

champagne and strawberries.

champagne

↓

Intimacy kit!

intimacy

↓

And a movie that's just titled, Movie.

movie

↓

It was Frost/Nixon!

frost nixon

↓

Ain't everything sexual.

aint sexual

↓

Actually, it was Frosting Nixon,

nixon

↓

- and it was very sexual. - Mm.

sexual

↓

They've yet to find the title they can't corrupt.

corrupt title

↓

I can't believe we have to stop drinking.

believe drinking

↓

This is a nightmare!

nightmare

↓

Look, I don't like this any more than you do,

↓

but Peter's right. Either we cork the hooch,

cork hooch peters

↓

or end up marrying each other every day.

marrying

↓

Fine. But just know that even though we're breaking up,

breaking

↓

I will still slap anyone

slap

↓

who disrespects you at the Oscars.

↓

What did you want to talk to us about, Peter?

peter

↓

I've decided to give up alcohol.

alcohol decided

↓

Well, I'm proud of you.

proud

↓

This is gonna change your life.

change life

↓

Ours, too.

↓

- Way to go, Dad! - You rock!

rock

↓

Thanks, gang. But just so you know,

gang thanks

↓

I'm now replacing all my alcohol energy

alcohol energy replacing

↓

with Grand Canyon energy.

canyon energy grand grand-canyon

↓

What's that?

↓

Just endless enthusiasm about the Grand Canyon.

canyon endless enthusiasm grand grand-canyon

↓

Did you know the most dangerous animal in the GC

animal dangerous

↓

is actually the rock squirrel?

rock squirrel

↓

That's true. I'm lookin' at your faces,

faces lookin

↓

but that's actually true.

↓

Welcome to "Kettlebells with Stew."

stew welcome

↓

We're all warriors here.

warriors

↓

Kettlebell warriors.

warriors

↓

See that over there? That's the road.

road

↓

If any of you wanna waste my time,

waste

↓

you may as well hit it right now.

↓

All right, warriors, we'll pick this up next week!

pick warriors week

↓

I shouldn't have advertised on Facebook.

facebook

↓

It's all pigs.

pigs

↓

And they want to change the books you read

books change read

↓

because they think you can't handle it!

handle

↓

So, I've invited a guest to speak with you

guest invited speak

↓

about the dangers of sanitizing books:

books dangers

↓

Quahog's own beloved children's book author,

author beloved book childrens

↓

Mr. Hillman Hollister.

↓

Good afternoon, everyone,

afternoon

↓

I hope you're ready to hear the word "the"

hope ready word

↓

in front of a lot of different ethnicities.

front

↓

Uh, uh, thank you for coming, Mr. Hollister.

coming

↓

We're going to take a break.

break

↓

Be sure to give your email

email

↓

to one of the guys with a clipboard

clipboard

↓

so we can flood your inbox for the rest of your life.

flood life rest

↓

Hey, Brian, I'm a news producer,

brian news producer

↓

and our team loves how outspoken you've been

loves team

↓

about literary freedom.

freedom literary

↓

We think our viewers would really appreciate

appreciate viewers

↓

your point of view.

point view

↓

- Really? - Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

Call me.

↓

Hey, that guy you were talking to

↓

just ran over a group of protesters when he drove off.

drove group protesters

↓

Peter?

peter

↓

Hey, sleepyhead!

sleepyhead

↓

Wh... why are you up so early?

early

↓

And...

↓

...is that fresh-brewed coffee I smell?

coffee fresh smell

↓

It sure is.

↓

Also, I prepared your tampon for the day.

prepared tampon

↓

Wow!

↓

Gross. Thanks!

gross thanks

↓

Relax, I took care of it.

care relax

↓

They are out of bed and fed!

↓

Great, thank you!

↓

Not Pop-Tarts, though.

tarts

↓

They are out of bed and fed.

↓

You know, I gotta tell you, Peter,

peter

↓

sobriety is looking good on you.

looking sobriety

↓

And your liver must be thrilled.

liver must thrilled

↓

Hey, HR sent me to tell you that you can finally use

finally sent

↓

all that vacation time you've accrued.

vacation

↓

Awesome! There's a state

awesome state

↓

I've really been wanting to visit.

visit wanting

↓

- Which one? - Oregon.

oregon

↓

It's a Liver will be right back.

liver

↓

How we feeling today, boys?

boys feeling today

↓

Rested and vested!

rested vested

↓

Killin' it without swillin' it!

killin

↓

So...

↓

what do you guys want to do?

↓

Usually our whole day is taken up by the drinking.

drinking taken usually whole

↓

And the puking.

puking

↓

The puking was implied, yes.

implied puking

↓

I'm sure we can find something that we'll all enjoy.

enjoy

↓

Isn't this awesome?

awesome

↓

What could be more fun than puzzling with my boys?

boys fun

↓

So nice having you together in the same bubble.

bubble having

↓

Oh, hey, Roberta.

roberta

↓

Look at you all grown up.

grown

↓

Bubble Roberta,

bubble roberta

↓

you get back here!

↓

There's no age of consent in the bubble!

bubble consent

↓

Like all newly sober Black men,

black newly sober

↓

I have taken to hustling chess in the park.

chess park taken

↓

I am a legend here.

legend

↓

Checkmate.

checkmate

↓

I suppose this was inevitable,

inevitable suppose

↓

as I did not know the horsey could jump.

horsey jump

↓

Now, this is more like it.

↓

Drunk or sober,

drunk sober

↓

watching football with my boys will always be a blast!

blast boys football watching

↓

It's second down, three yards to go.

second three yards

↓

This second down is brought to you by

brought second

↓

Casamigos Tequila.

tequila

↓

Casamigos,

↓

the tequila for guys who wanna buy houses

houses tequila

↓

next to each other in Mexico.

mexico

↓

Hey, should we do that?

↓

No can do, Peter.

peter

↓

I'm still underwater

underwater

↓

on two different timeshares in Panama City Beach.

beach city

↓

What? How?

↓

They said if I went to the timeshare presentation,

presentation

↓

they'd give me free Steve Harvey tickets.

free harvey steve theyd tickets

↓

Well, how was the Steve Harvey show?

harvey steve

↓

- Do you promise not to laugh? - Of course.

course laugh promise

↓

I got so excited about the concept

concept excited

↓

of the flexible family vacation that

family flexible vacation

↓

I forgot to get the tickets.

forgot tickets

↓

You promised!

promised

↓

Are you sure you want to do this, Bri?

↓

Fox News has a history of twisting the truth to fit their agenda.

agenda history news truth twisting

↓

Look, we may not agree on much,

agree

↓

but at least I'll get some airtime to speak my piece.

least piece speak

↓

All right, but if you get in trouble,

trouble

↓

just say "Dominion" three times.

three three-times times

↓

That's their Candyman.

↓

Bok choy. That's a fun word to say.

fun word

↓

Bok.

↓

Choy.

↓

Yeah, that's... that's fun, I guess.

fun

↓

Garbanzo. Also fun to say.

fun

↓

Not "bok choy" level, but pretty close.

close level

↓

Yeah, garbanzo's great.

↓

You know who makes a good napkin?

makes napkin

↓

Chinet.

↓

God, what happened to us?

happened

↓

Now that we're sober,

sober

↓

we don't got anything in common! And why would we?

common

↓

Our group is a fat guy, a Black dude,

black group

↓

a sex pest, and a wheelchair cuck.

cuck pest wheelchair

↓

We make no sense together!

sense

↓

I hate to say it,

hate

↓

but I don't think we're cut out to be friends.

friends

↓

Peter's right.

peters

↓

Maybe we should just go our separate ways.

separate ways

↓

Spend time with our families.

families spend

↓

Yeah, and I guess I gotta go see

↓

if I still have anything in common

common

↓

with other Black people.

black

↓

They stopped midway because I said "pickleball."

pickleball stopped

↓

As a newly sober person, I'm often going to ask

newly often person sober

↓

if it's okay that I say what a nice time I'm having.

having

↓

I'd rather you didn't.

↓

Hey, can I just say

↓

what a nice time I'm having right now?

having

↓

Every time we do this,

↓

I wonder why we don't do it more.

wonder

↓

We're doing it now.

↓

Yes, but there should be more times of us doing it.

times

↓

Hey, you been hydrating, Lois?

lois

↓

You gotta hydrate. It's the key to staying hydrated.

hydrated staying

↓

Stop saying "hydrated"!

hydrated

↓

Uh, Lois? You may wanna go inside.

lois

↓

Oh, hi, Drated!

↓

Hey, look! Did you see this?

↓

Your book, Faster Than the Speed of Love,

book faster love speed

↓

is back on the shelves.

↓

Really? Noice!

↓

Ugh, my... my book is being co-opted by the right.

book

↓

- It's gross. - And it's selling.

gross selling

↓

It's number two on the Neo-Nazi bestseller list,

list nazi number

↓

behind Ben Shapiro's

behind

↓

How the Radical Left Made Me Bad at Sex.

left radical

↓

Hey guys, good news. The seeds arrived.

arrived news seeds

↓

Everyone to the vegetable patch!

patch vegetable

↓

What's going on?

↓

Peter, we have something we need to say to you.

peter

↓

Please sit down.

↓

Okay.

↓

This is an intervention.

intervention

↓

But I already stopped drinking.

drinking stopped

↓

This is to get you to start again.

start

↓

How dare you ambush me like this!

ambush dare

↓

I trusted you!

trusted

↓

And who's that guy?

↓

Well, we've never held an intervention before,

held intervention

↓

so Jax is here to help.

↓

I was sober for years, Peter. It was hell.

peter sober years

↓

Every morning, I'd wake up at home

home morning wake

↓

and not in a bush.

bush

↓

I stopped at red lights like a bitch.

bitch lights stopped

↓

But through quitting therapy and shunning religion,

quitting religion therapy

↓

I found the strength to drink again, and so can you.

drink found strength

↓

Peter, your children have written letters

children letters peter written

↓

to tell you how your sobriety has affected them.

affected sobriety

↓

Chris, go ahead.

ahead chris go-ahead

↓

"It's been 12 days

days

↓

"since you took a swing at our crossing guard.

crossing guard swing

↓

"You've stopped asking

asking stopped

↓

if I think I'm better than you."

↓

"When I wrote this letter,

letter wrote

↓

I knew I would be the relative

relative

↓

reading it to you from a straight-back chair,

chair reading straight

↓

as opposed to a couch... "

couch opposed

↓

"This past week,

past week

↓

I've had to spend more quality time with you."

quality spend

↓

But you always say you want that!

↓

I want to say I want that,

↓

and I want you to come up short!

short

↓

I... I can't handle this right now.

handle

↓

I... I need to hydrate.

↓

Just a little agua to take the edge off.

edge

↓

- No, no. - Give me that.

↓

- Give me that. - No more hydrating.

↓

Give me that.

↓

You're right, okay!

↓

I can't keep not drinking like this!

drinking

↓

Shh, it's okay, baby,

baby

↓

it's okay,

↓

you don't have to do this alone.

alone

↓

Let's go get tanked.

tanked

↓

Together.

↓

So you're really going to pander

↓

to this extremist conference just to move some books?

books conference

↓

I can't believe you're selling out like this.

believe selling

↓

I'm not selling out.

selling

↓

I'm presenting my art in its rawest form.

form presenting

↓

But this place is full of weirdos!

full place weirdos

↓

They erected a gallows to hang Barbies!

hang

↓

And look at how they're opening the event!

event opening

↓

To honor our fallen insurrectionists,

fallen honor

↓

please observe a moment of violence.

moment observe violence

↓

Don't forget to hit the cops we love.

cops forget love

↓

Thank you for your service.

service

↓

And now, I'll read an excerpt from my book,

book read

↓

Faster Than the Speed of Love.

faster love speed

↓

- Bigot! - Cut his mike!

bigot mike

↓

We don't want to hear your racist book!

book racist

↓

We do!

↓

Let him read his racist book!

book racist read

↓

It's not a racist book!

book racist

↓

The woke mob hates it,

hates woke

↓

that means it's good!

↓

Republicans like it, that means it's bad!

republicans

↓

Hey, back off!

↓

Everybody, shut up!

everybody

↓

You wimps want to edit any book

book edit

↓

that hurts your precious feelings,

feelings hurts precious

↓

and you freaks just want to ban books altogether!

altogether books freaks

↓

There are bigger problems in this world

bigger bigger-problems problems world

↓

than some stupid book!

book stupid

↓

Oh, my God, the dog author is right.

author

↓

His book is stupid.

book stupid

↓

That's not what I meant...

meant

↓

The first six pages are a description of a lake.

description lake pages

↓

The sex scene repeatedly uses the word "honkers"!

repeatedly scene uses word

↓

There's a map at the front that doesn't pay off!

front

↓

Every sentence starts with, "And then"!

sentence starts

↓

And then I'm a hack, we got it.

hack

↓

You have brought us together, Brian Griffin.

brian brian-griffin brought griffin

↓

We've both agreed to ban just one book.

agreed book

↓

Yours.

↓

Well, looks like everyone hates you again.

hates

↓

Leaving you with just enough political infamy

leaving political

↓

to do five-dollar birthday greetings on Cameo.

birthday dollar five greetings

↓

Ha! That's hilarious, Joe!

hilarious

↓

What is? I didn't do anything.

↓

Doesn't matter!

matter

↓

The point is, we're all together again.

point

↓

But what about what you said before,

↓

that we have nothing in common?

common

↓

That... that beer is just hiding the truth.

beer hiding truth

↓

Yeah, but it's how you say it.

↓

Beer is hiding the truth!

beer hiding truth

↓

The truth of what guy friends are.

friends truth

↓

A random assortment of dudes bound by booze!

booze bound dudes random

↓

Peter, Stewie swallowed

peter stewie swallowed

↓

- a Tide Pod... -

tide

↓

...we're headed to St. Christophers,

headed

↓

- come quick, bring... -

bring quick

↓

To alcohol.

alcohol

↓

It may tear families apart,

apart families tear

↓

but it brings friends together!

brings friends

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