Home » Family Guy » S23E17 — Karenheit 451

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 17 — Karenheit 451

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

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♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

#8

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♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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Hey, Brian, could you read Stewie his bedtime story tonight?

#10

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Hey, Brian, could you read Stewie his bedtime story tonight?

#10

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I'm watching the Hot Ones episode

#11

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I'm watching the Hot Ones episode

#11

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where the wings fell on the floor.

#12

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where the wings fell on the floor.

#12

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Jesse Plemons ate one with lint on it!

#13

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Jesse Plemons ate one with lint on it!

#13

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Hey, when life gives you Plemons...

#14

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Hey, when life gives you Plemons...

#14

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Yes?

#15

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Yes?

#15

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And?

#16

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And?

#16

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I... I thought the beginning

#17

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I... I thought the beginning

#17

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was clever enough to carry the day.

#18

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was clever enough to carry the day.

#18

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Aah!

#19

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Aah!

#19

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Would have preferred a claw retraction on that tuck-in,

#20

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Would have preferred a claw retraction on that tuck-in,

#20

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but you're new at this.

#21

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but you're new at this.

#21

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Okay, tonight I'm going to read you

#22

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Okay, tonight I'm going to read you

#22

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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

#23

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Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

#23

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It was my favorite book when I was a kid.

#24

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It was my favorite book when I was a kid.

#24

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Pup. Pup means "dog kid."

#25

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Pup. Pup means "dog kid."

#25

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Fine, since I was a pup.

#26

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Fine, since I was a pup.

#26

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Correct.

#27

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Correct.

#27

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"Mr. and Mrs. Bucket have a small boy named Charlie,

#28

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"Mr. and Mrs. Bucket have a small boy named Charlie,

#28

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who, by the way, is trans,

#29

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who, by the way, is trans,

#29

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not that it matters.

#30

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not that it matters.

#30

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He/his grandparents

#31

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He/his grandparents

#31

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all sleep on the same cruelty-free mattress

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all sleep on the same cruelty-free mattress

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because they are otherwise unhoused."

#33

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because they are otherwise unhoused."

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- What the hell? - Where's the Chalamet, Bri?

#34

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- What the hell? - Where's the Chalamet, Bri?

#34

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Get to the Chalamet!

#35

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Get to the Chalamet!

#35

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The gobstoppers are vegan?

#36

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The gobstoppers are vegan?

#36

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After falling in the chocolate river,

#37

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After falling in the chocolate river,

#37

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Augustus Gloop apologizes for doing blackface?

#38

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Augustus Gloop apologizes for doing blackface?

#38

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Why did they change all this stuff?

#39

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Why did they change all this stuff?

#39

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My God, this is the worst day since 9/11.

#40

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My God, this is the worst day since 9/11.

#40

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Hey, guys, we're out of dry food.

#41

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Hey, guys, we're out of dry food.

#41

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Brian, they just knocked down the World Trade Centers.

#42

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Brian, they just knocked down the World Trade Centers.

#42

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Oh.

#43

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Oh.

#43

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Did they also knock down the Petco?

#44

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Did they also knock down the Petco?

#44

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Hey, you guys heard about this Hamilton thing?

#45

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Hey, you guys heard about this Hamilton thing?

#45

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The iconic musical that's sold out theaters

#46

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The iconic musical that's sold out theaters

#46

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across the globe? We've heard about it.

#47

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across the globe? We've heard about it.

#47

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It's the Founding Fathers...

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It's the Founding Fathers...

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but they rap.

#49

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but they rap.

#49

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Officer Swanson,

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Officer Swanson,

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there's an illegal

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there's an illegal

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underage social function on Sycamore

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underage social function on Sycamore

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that's violating ordinance 313.

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that's violating ordinance 313.

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Please respond.

#54

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Please respond.

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I thought this was your day off. Why are they calling you?

#55

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I thought this was your day off. Why are they calling you?

#55

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Tonight's the night my chief has everyone from the squad

#56

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Tonight's the night my chief has everyone from the squad

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over to his house for dinner.

#57

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over to his house for dinner.

#57

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How come you aren't there?

#58

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How come you aren't there?

#58

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It's like Designated Survivor.

#59

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It's like Designated Survivor.

#59

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Of all the cops on the force,

#60

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Of all the cops on the force,

#60

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the chief asked me not to come.

#61

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the chief asked me not to come.

#61

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That's how critical I am.

#62

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That's how critical I am.

#62

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That's sad.

#63

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That's sad.

#63

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I'm sad now.

#64

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I'm sad now.

#64

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Sorry, I've got to go handle this.

#65

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Sorry, I've got to go handle this.

#65

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You guys are welcome to ride along with me,

#66

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You guys are welcome to ride along with me,

#66

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- and I can drop you off after. - Sounds great!

#67

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- and I can drop you off after. - Sounds great!

#67

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Someone changed this classic kids' book

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Someone changed this classic kids' book

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to make it all woke!

#69

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to make it all woke!

#69

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Who would do something like this?

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Who would do something like this?

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Probably someone who cares about their children,

#71

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add smug smile now.

#72

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Lois, did you have something to do with this?

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I sure did.

#74

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This was the local chapter of my bored suburban mom group.

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It's called "Mothers Invested In Literary Fixing."

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MILF?

#77

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So you're ruining books

#78

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just because you and your weak-minded friends

#79

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can't handle reading them as the authors intended?

#80

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Oh, come on, it's just a few little changes

#81

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to make the books nicer.

#82

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When did nice become a bad thing?

#83

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Kids like Stewie are little and helpless,

#84

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and their innocence needs to be protected.

#85

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Hey, could you do me a favor and not cut my sack off in front of Rupert?

#86

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I'm trying to get in dem cheeks tonight.

#87

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What you're doing

#88

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is offensive to me as an author.

#89

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Self-published author.

#90

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Well, too bad, 'cause we're just getting started.

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At tomorrow's school board meeting,

#92

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we'll push to replace other problematic books

#93

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with versions we approve of.

#94

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Now, if you'll excuse me,

#95

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I need to get back to stuffing envelopes with these stamps

#96

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featuring female heroes no one's ever heard of.

#97

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Mary Lyon,

#98

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founded Mount Holyoke College.

#99

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Hero!

#100

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Harriet Quimby,

#101

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first female pilot to fly the English Channel.

#102

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Hero!

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Hazel Hotchkiss Wightman,

#104

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honorary Commander

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of the Order of the British Empire.

#106

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Hero!

#107

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Mary Lyon,

#108

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founded Mount Holyoke...

#109

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Oh, my God, they just repeat, there's only three of them.

#110

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Hmm, this appears to be a shindig

#111

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of the high school variety.

#112

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Why do you always talk so doofy?

#113

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Language is my mistress,

#114

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and I like to try new positions.

#115

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All right, I gotta go break this up.

#116

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Wait, let's not break it up.

#117

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Let's wake it up!

#118

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Well, I guess this is a body cam cheat day.

#119

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You're all under arrest...

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for not partying hard enough!

#121

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Go ahead, pick another city.

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Coral Gables.

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Three to the three to the one-four-six.

#124

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Whoa! Yeah, cool!

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When it comes to zip codes, I am that dude!

#126

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Cannonball!

#127

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Yeah!

#128

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Oh God, that's Stacy, she can't see me here.

#129

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Glenn, there shouldn't be anyone at this party

#130

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who "can't see you."

#131

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Guys, they have BritBox!

#132

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Who's ready for an eight-part murder mystery

#133

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that absolutely shatters the coastal community of Brighton?

#134

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Let's turn this party up a notch!

#135

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Ugh.

#136

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I drank way too much last night.

#137

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Why are we wearing tuxedos?

#138

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Uh-oh. Apparently, we got married last night.

#139

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It's all over TikTok.

#140

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Boy, my dad doesn't look happy,

#141

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but God bless him, he gave us a Cuisinart.

#142

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You picked R. Kelly for our first dance?

#143

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I know it's wrong,

#144

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but the grooves are too strong.

#145

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Guys, we have to fix this.

#146

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Marrying each other was a huge mistake.

#147

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It was?

#148

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Welcome to tonight's town hall.

#149

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Now, let's open up the floor to women with little chin hairs

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when the light hits it just right.

#151

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Hello, parents and concerned citizens.

#152

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There we go!

#153

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Turn them off!

#154

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Aww.

#155

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We are MILF,

#156

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and we're very worried about the outdated messages

#157

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in the books you're giving our kids.

#158

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Why does James' peach need to be giant, huh?

#159

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It's big-pitted,

#160

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and we should celebrate its curves.

#161

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All y'all husbands follow my Instagram.

#162

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This is nuts!

#163

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Changing books is wrong!

#164

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If you don't like it, just don't read it!

#165

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Look, I'll be honest.

#166

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Whoever is angriest is going to win,

#167

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so have at it.

#168

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Come on!

#169

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Hmm, it's pretty close.

#170

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But since it's 2025,

#171

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I'm gonna go with the group of ethnically-diverse women.

#172

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Thank God we're doing this divorce

#173

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before Donna finds out.

#174

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What's this about

#175

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you getting a piece of my pension?

#176

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I offered you a prenup. You declined.

#177

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Let's just get this over with, Peter.

#178

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But the Christmas cards already went out!

#179

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Oh, my goodness,

#180

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we really do come in all shapes and sizes!

#181

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Now that we got that out of the way,

#182

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let's pound some brews!

#183

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We got married again.

#184

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I can't believe it!

#185

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Why does this keep happening?

#186

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Guys, don't you see? It's the alcohol!

#187

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Every time we drink,

#188

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we end up doing something stupid.

#189

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I'm afraid that dark day has finally come.

#190

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We need to stop drinking.

#191

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And we need to settle up for the hotel.

#192

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Let's see here... Cleveland and Quagmire,

#193

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champagne and strawberries.

#194

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Intimacy kit!

#195

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And a movie that's just titled, Movie.

#196

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It was Frost/Nixon!

#197

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Ain't everything sexual.

#198

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Actually, it was Frosting Nixon,

#199

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- and it was very sexual. - Mm.

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They've yet to find the title they can't corrupt.

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I can't believe we have to stop drinking.

#202

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This is a nightmare!

#203

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Look, I don't like this any more than you do,

#204

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but Peter's right. Either we cork the hooch,

#205

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or end up marrying each other every day.

#206

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Fine. But just know that even though we're breaking up,

#207

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I will still slap anyone

#208

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who disrespects you at the Oscars.

#209

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What did you want to talk to us about, Peter?

#210

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I've decided to give up alcohol.

#211

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Well, I'm proud of you.

#212

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This is gonna change your life.

#213

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Ours, too.

#214

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- Way to go, Dad! - You rock!

#215

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Thanks, gang. But just so you know,

#216

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I'm now replacing all my alcohol energy

#217

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with Grand Canyon energy.

#218

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What's that?

#219

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Just endless enthusiasm about the Grand Canyon.

#220

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Did you know the most dangerous animal in the GC

#221

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is actually the rock squirrel?

#222

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That's true. I'm lookin' at your faces,

#223

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but that's actually true.

#224

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Welcome to "Kettlebells with Stew."

#225

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We're all warriors here.

#226

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Kettlebell warriors.

#227

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See that over there? That's the road.

#228

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If any of you wanna waste my time,

#229

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you may as well hit it right now.

#230

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All right, warriors, we'll pick this up next week!

#231

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I shouldn't have advertised on Facebook.

#232

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It's all pigs.

#233

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And they want to change the books you read

#234

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because they think you can't handle it!

#235

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So, I've invited a guest to speak with you

#236

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about the dangers of sanitizing books:

#237

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Quahog's own beloved children's book author,

#238

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Mr. Hillman Hollister.

#239

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Good afternoon, everyone,

#240

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I hope you're ready to hear the word "the"

#241

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in front of a lot of different ethnicities.

#242

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Uh, uh, thank you for coming, Mr. Hollister.

#243

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We're going to take a break.

#244

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Be sure to give your email

#245

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to one of the guys with a clipboard

#246

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so we can flood your inbox for the rest of your life.

#247

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Hey, Brian, I'm a news producer,

#248

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and our team loves how outspoken you've been

#249

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about literary freedom.

#250

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We think our viewers would really appreciate

#251

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your point of view.

#252

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- Really? - Absolutely.

#253

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Call me.

#254

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Hey, that guy you were talking to

#255

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just ran over a group of protesters when he drove off.

#256

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Peter?

#257

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Hey, sleepyhead!

#258

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Wh... why are you up so early?

#259

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And...

#260

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...is that fresh-brewed coffee I smell?

#261

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It sure is.

#262

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Also, I prepared your tampon for the day.

#263

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Wow!

#264

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Gross. Thanks!

#265

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Crap, I have to get the kids ready for school!

#266

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Relax, I took care of it.

#267

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They are out of bed and fed!

#268

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Great, thank you!

#269

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Not Pop-Tarts, though.

#270

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They are out of bed and fed.

#271

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You know, I gotta tell you, Peter,

#272

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sobriety is looking good on you.

#273

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And your liver must be thrilled.

#274

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Hey, HR sent me to tell you that you can finally use

#275

⇓

all that vacation time you've accrued.

#276

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Awesome! There's a state

#277

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I've really been wanting to visit.

#278

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- Which one? - Oregon.

#279

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It's a Liver will be right back.

#280

⇓

How we feeling today, boys?

#281

⇓

Rested and vested!

#282

⇓

Killin' it without swillin' it!

#283

⇓

So...

#284

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what do you guys want to do?

#285

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Usually our whole day is taken up by the drinking.

#286

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And the puking.

#287

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The puking was implied, yes.

#288

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I'm sure we can find something that we'll all enjoy.

#289

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Isn't this awesome?

#290

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What could be more fun than puzzling with my boys?

#291

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So nice having you together in the same bubble.

#292

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Oh, hey, Roberta.

#293

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Look at you all grown up.

#294

⇓

Bubble Roberta,

#295

⇓

you get back here!

#296

⇓

There's no age of consent in the bubble!

#297

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Like all newly sober Black men,

#298

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I have taken to hustling chess in the park.

#299

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I am a legend here.

#300

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Checkmate.

#301

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I suppose this was inevitable,

#302

⇓

as I did not know the horsey could jump.

#303

⇓

Now, this is more like it.

#304

⇓

Drunk or sober,

#305

⇓

watching football with my boys will always be a blast!

#306

⇓

It's second down, three yards to go.

#307

⇓

This second down is brought to you by

#308

⇓

Casamigos Tequila.

#309

⇓

Casamigos,

#310

⇓

the tequila for guys who wanna buy houses

#311

⇓

next to each other in Mexico.

#312

⇓

Hey, should we do that?

#313

⇓

No can do, Peter.

#314

⇓

I'm still underwater

#315

⇓

on two different timeshares in Panama City Beach.

#316

⇓

What? How?

#317

⇓

They said if I went to the timeshare presentation,

#318

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they'd give me free Steve Harvey tickets.

#319

⇓

Well, how was the Steve Harvey show?

#320

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- Do you promise not to laugh? - Of course.

#321

⇓

I got so excited about the concept

#322

⇓

of the flexible family vacation that

#323

⇓

I forgot to get the tickets.

#324

⇓

You promised!

#325

⇓

Are you sure you want to do this, Bri?

#326

⇓

Fox News has a history of twisting the truth to fit their agenda.

#327

⇓

Look, we may not agree on much,

#328

⇓

but at least I'll get some airtime to speak my piece.

#329

⇓

All right, but if you get in trouble,

#330

⇓

just say "Dominion" three times.

#331

⇓

That's their Candyman.

#332

⇓

We're on!

#333

⇓

Welcome to Hannity.

#334

⇓

Our guest tonight, Brian Griffin,

#335

⇓

has something important this nation needs to hear.

#336

⇓

Thanks for having me, Sean.

#337

⇓

I'd like to talk about books...

#338

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And how the woke mind mob wants you to change them

#339

⇓

because the authors are white!

#340

⇓

But you stood up to the vermin in Chicago

#341

⇓

and said, "No bueno,

#342

⇓

- Comrade Obama." - What?

#343

⇓

Uh-oh, Brian's chyron says, "Freedom Crusader."

#344

⇓

And there's a photo over his shoulder

#345

⇓

of Hunter Biden's penis.

#346

⇓

I... I just want books to be left alone.

#347

⇓

Thi... this has nothing to do with the migrant crisis.

#348

⇓

You're right, it has everything to do with it!

#349

⇓

Think about it. When you go to the mall,

#350

⇓

what's the bookstore called?

#351

⇓

- Borders. - That chain closed,

#352

⇓

- like, fifteen years ago. - Right!

#353

⇓

We should close the borders,

#354

⇓

with chains! You get it.

#355

⇓

By the way, this is an open carry studio,

#356

⇓

here's your gun.

#357

⇓

Aah! Dominion! Dominion! Dominion!

#358

⇓

Bok choy. That's a fun word to say.

#359

⇓

Bok.

#360

⇓

Choy.

#361

⇓

Yeah, that's... that's fun, I guess.

#362

⇓

Garbanzo. Also fun to say.

#363

⇓

Not "bok choy" level, but pretty close.

#364

⇓

Yeah, garbanzo's great.

#365

⇓

You know who makes a good napkin?

#366

⇓

Chinet.

#367

⇓

God, what happened to us?

#368

⇓

Now that we're sober,

#369

⇓

we don't got anything in common! And why would we?

#370

⇓

Our group is a fat guy, a Black dude,

#371

⇓

a sex pest, and a wheelchair cuck.

#372

⇓

We make no sense together!

#373

⇓

I hate to say it,

#374

⇓

but I don't think we're cut out to be friends.

#375

⇓

Peter's right.

#376

⇓

Maybe we should just go our separate ways.

#377

⇓

Spend time with our families.

#378

⇓

Yeah, and I guess I gotta go see

#379

⇓

if I still have anything in common

#380

⇓

with other Black people.

#381

⇓

They stopped midway because I said "pickleball."

#382

⇓

As a newly sober person, I'm often going to ask

#383

⇓

if it's okay that I say what a nice time I'm having.

#384

⇓

I'd rather you didn't.

#385

⇓

Hey, can I just say

#386

⇓

what a nice time I'm having right now?

#387

⇓

Every time we do this,

#388

⇓

I wonder why we don't do it more.

#389

⇓

We're doing it now.

#390

⇓

Yes, but there should be more times of us doing it.

#391

⇓

Hey, you been hydrating, Lois?

#392

⇓

You gotta hydrate. It's the key to staying hydrated.

#393

⇓

Stop saying "hydrated"!

#394

⇓

Uh, Lois? You may wanna go inside.

#395

⇓

Oh, hi, Drated!

#396

⇓

Hey, look! Did you see this?

#397

⇓

Your book, Faster Than the Speed of Love,

#398

⇓

is back on the shelves.

#399

⇓

Really? Noice!

#400

⇓

- With a new forward by Ann Coulter. - Less noice.

#401

⇓

And a very forward by Lauren Boebert.

#402

⇓

"When I'm not rubbing my hand over a tented khaki,

#403

⇓

I'm curled up with a copy

#404

⇓

of Brian Griffin's excellent book.

#405

⇓

And does anyone know

#406

⇓

how Beetlejuice the Musical ends?"

#407

⇓

Ugh, my... my book is being co-opted by the right.

#408

⇓

- It's gross. - And it's selling.

#409

⇓

It's number two on the Neo-Nazi bestseller list,

#410

⇓

behind Ben Shapiro's

#411

⇓

How the Radical Left Made Me Bad at Sex.

#412

⇓

Hey guys, good news. The seeds arrived.

#413

⇓

Everyone to the vegetable patch!

#414

⇓

What's going on?

#415

⇓

Peter, we have something we need to say to you.

#416

⇓

Please sit down.

#417

⇓

Okay.

#418

⇓

This is an intervention.

#419

⇓

But I already stopped drinking.

#420

⇓

This is to get you to start again.

#421

⇓

How dare you ambush me like this!

#422

⇓

I trusted you!

#423

⇓

And who's that guy?

#424

⇓

Well, we've never held an intervention before,

#425

⇓

so Jax is here to help.

#426

⇓

I was sober for years, Peter. It was hell.

#427

⇓

Every morning, I'd wake up at home

#428

⇓

and not in a bush.

#429

⇓

I stopped at red lights like a bitch.

#430

⇓

But through quitting therapy and shunning religion,

#431

⇓

I found the strength to drink again, and so can you.

#432

⇓

Peter, your children have written letters

#433

⇓

to tell you how your sobriety has affected them.

#434

⇓

Chris, go ahead.

#435

⇓

"It's been 12 days

#436

⇓

"since you took a swing at our crossing guard.

#437

⇓

"You've stopped asking

#438

⇓

if I think I'm better than you."

#439

⇓

"When I wrote this letter,

#440

⇓

I knew I would be the relative

#441

⇓

reading it to you from a straight-back chair,

#442

⇓

as opposed to a couch... "

#443

⇓

"This past week,

#444

⇓

I've had to spend more quality time with you."

#445

⇓

But you always say you want that!

#446

⇓

I want to say I want that,

#447

⇓

and I want you to come up short!

#448

⇓

I... I can't handle this right now.

#449

⇓

I... I need to hydrate.

#450

⇓

Just a little agua to take the edge off.

#451

⇓

- No, no. - Give me that.

#452

⇓

- Give me that. - No more hydrating.

#453

⇓

Give me that.

#454

⇓

You're right, okay!

#455

⇓

I can't keep not drinking like this!

#456

⇓

Shh, it's okay, baby,

#457

⇓

it's okay,

#458

⇓

you don't have to do this alone.

#459

⇓

Let's go get tanked.

#460

⇓

Together.

#461

⇓

So you're really going to pander

#462

⇓

to this extremist conference just to move some books?

#463

⇓

I can't believe you're selling out like this.

#464

⇓

I'm not selling out.

#465

⇓

I'm presenting my art in its rawest form.

#466

⇓

But this place is full of weirdos!

#467

⇓

They erected a gallows to hang Barbies!

#468

⇓

And look at how they're opening the event!

#469

⇓

To honor our fallen insurrectionists,

#470

⇓

please observe a moment of violence.

#471

⇓

Don't forget to hit the cops we love.

#472

⇓

Thank you for your service.

#473

⇓

And now, I'll read an excerpt from my book,

#474

⇓

Faster Than the Speed of Love.

#475

⇓

- Bigot! - Cut his mike!

#476

⇓

We don't want to hear your racist book!

#477

⇓

We do!

#478

⇓

Let him read his racist book!

#479

⇓

It's not a racist book!

#480

⇓

The woke mob hates it,

#481

⇓

that means it's good!

#482

⇓

Republicans like it, that means it's bad!

#483

⇓

Hey, back off!

#484

⇓

Everybody, shut up!

#485

⇓

You wimps want to edit any book

#486

⇓

that hurts your precious feelings,

#487

⇓

and you freaks just want to ban books altogether!

#488

⇓

There are bigger problems in this world

#489

⇓

than some stupid book!

#490

⇓

Oh, my God, the dog author is right.

#491

⇓

His book is stupid.

#492

⇓

That's not what I meant...

#493

⇓

The first six pages are a description of a lake.

#494

⇓

The sex scene repeatedly uses the word "honkers"!

#495

⇓

There's a map at the front that doesn't pay off!

#496

⇓

Every sentence starts with, "And then"!

#497

⇓

And then I'm a hack, we got it.

#498

⇓

You have brought us together, Brian Griffin.

#499

⇓

We've both agreed to ban just one book.

#500

⇓

Yours.

#501

⇓

Well, looks like everyone hates you again.

#502

⇓

Leaving you with just enough political infamy

#503

⇓

to do five-dollar birthday greetings on Cameo.

#504

⇓

Hey, Larry.

#505

⇓

Sorry Vanessa dumped you,

#506

⇓

so from one dog who [bleep] the bed to another,

#507

⇓

happy birthday.

#508

⇓

Ha! That's hilarious, Joe!

#509

⇓

What is? I didn't do anything.

#510

⇓

Doesn't matter!

#511

⇓

The point is, we're all together again.

#512

⇓

But what about what you said before,

#513

⇓

that we have nothing in common?

#514

⇓

That... that beer is just hiding the truth.

#515

⇓

Yeah, but it's how you say it.

#516

⇓

Beer is hiding the truth!

#517

⇓

The truth of what guy friends are.

#518

⇓

A random assortment of dudes bound by booze!

#519

⇓

Peter, Stewie swallowed

#520

⇓

- a Tide Pod... -

#521

⇓

...we're headed to St. Christophers,

#522

⇓

- come quick, bring... -

#523

⇓

To alcohol.

#524

⇓

It may tear families apart,

#525

⇓

but it brings friends together!

#526

⇓