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» S23E16 — Row v Wade
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Season 23, Episode 16 — Row v Wade
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
⇓
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
⇓
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
⇓
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
⇓
♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
#1
⇓
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
⇓
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
⇓
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
⇓
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
⇓
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
#2
⇓
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
⇓
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
⇓
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
⇓
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
⇓
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
#3
⇓
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
⇓
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
⇓
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
⇓
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
⇓
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
#4
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
#5
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
#6
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
#6
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
#6
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
#6
⇓
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
#6
⇓
♪ All the things that make us ♪
#7
⇓
♪ All the things that make us ♪
#7
⇓
♪ All the things that make us ♪
#7
⇓
♪ All the things that make us ♪
#7
⇓
♪ All the things that make us ♪
#7
⇓
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
⇓
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
⇓
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
⇓
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
⇓
♪ Laugh and cry! ♪
#8
⇓
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
⇓
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
⇓
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
⇓
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
⇓
♪ He's a family guy! ♪
#9
⇓
[Stewie] Stewie Griffin, come on down!
#10
⇓
[Stewie] Stewie Griffin, come on down!
#10
⇓
[Stewie] Stewie Griffin, come on down!
#10
⇓
[Stewie] Stewie Griffin, come on down!
#10
⇓
[Stewie] Stewie Griffin, come on down!
#10
⇓
[♪ humming The Price is Right theme]
#11
⇓
[♪ humming The Price is Right theme]
#11
⇓
[♪ humming The Price is Right theme]
#11
⇓
[♪ humming The Price is Right theme]
#11
⇓
You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!
#12
⇓
You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!
#12
⇓
You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!
#12
⇓
You're the next contestant on The Price is Right!
#12
⇓
[♪ The Price is Right theme playing on TV]
#13
⇓
[♪ The Price is Right theme playing on TV]
#13
⇓
[♪ The Price is Right theme playing on TV]
#13
⇓
[♪ The Price is Right theme playing on TV]
#13
⇓
Turn that show off.
#14
⇓
Turn that show off.
#14
⇓
Turn that show off.
#14
⇓
Turn that show off.
#14
⇓
Whoa, what's your problem, bud?
#15
⇓
Whoa, what's your problem, bud?
#15
⇓
Whoa, what's your problem, bud?
#15
⇓
Whoa, what's your problem, bud?
#15
⇓
You got a problem with Right?
#16
⇓
You got a problem with Right?
#16
⇓
You got a problem with Right?
#16
⇓
You got a problem with Right?
#16
⇓
First of all, nobody calls it that.
#17
⇓
First of all, nobody calls it that.
#17
⇓
First of all, nobody calls it that.
#17
⇓
First of all, nobody calls it that.
#17
⇓
Second of all, yes, I have a problem with The Price is Right.
#18
⇓
Second of all, yes, I have a problem with The Price is Right.
#18
⇓
Second of all, yes, I have a problem with The Price is Right.
#18
⇓
Second of all, yes, I have a problem with The Price is Right.
#18
⇓
For 35 years, the host of that show
#19
⇓
For 35 years, the host of that show
#19
⇓
For 35 years, the host of that show
#19
⇓
For 35 years, the host of that show
#19
⇓
told everyone to cut our marbles off.
#20
⇓
told everyone to cut our marbles off.
#20
⇓
told everyone to cut our marbles off.
#20
⇓
told everyone to cut our marbles off.
#20
⇓
"Barker" my ass.
#21
⇓
"Barker" my ass.
#21
⇓
"Barker" my ass.
#21
⇓
"Barker" my ass.
#21
⇓
C'mon, Bri. Drew Carey is the host now,
#22
⇓
C'mon, Bri. Drew Carey is the host now,
#22
⇓
C'mon, Bri. Drew Carey is the host now,
#22
⇓
C'mon, Bri. Drew Carey is the host now,
#22
⇓
and he bought the writers lunch during the strike,
#23
⇓
and he bought the writers lunch during the strike,
#23
⇓
and he bought the writers lunch during the strike,
#23
⇓
and he bought the writers lunch during the strike,
#23
⇓
so we're not gonna tell jokes about him, per se.
#24
⇓
so we're not gonna tell jokes about him, per se.
#24
⇓
so we're not gonna tell jokes about him, per se.
#24
⇓
so we're not gonna tell jokes about him, per se.
#24
⇓
- We're not gonna talk about his weight? - Nope.
#25
⇓
- We're not gonna talk about his weight? - Nope.
#25
⇓
- We're not gonna talk about his weight? - Nope.
#25
⇓
- We're not gonna talk about his weight? - Nope.
#25
⇓
How about that he seems constitutionally unable to open his eyes fully?
#26
⇓
How about that he seems constitutionally unable to open his eyes fully?
#26
⇓
How about that he seems constitutionally unable to open his eyes fully?
#26
⇓
How about that he seems constitutionally unable to open his eyes fully?
#26
⇓
That, too, is off limits.
#27
⇓
That, too, is off limits.
#27
⇓
That, too, is off limits.
#27
⇓
So, then we won't say that he looks like
#28
⇓
So, then we won't say that he looks like
#28
⇓
So, then we won't say that he looks like
#28
⇓
SNL motivational speaker Matt Foley
#29
⇓
SNL motivational speaker Matt Foley
#29
⇓
SNL motivational speaker Matt Foley
#29
⇓
who started Ozempic and then gave up?
#30
⇓
who started Ozempic and then gave up?
#30
⇓
who started Ozempic and then gave up?
#30
⇓
Nope. Not on this program.
#31
⇓
Nope. Not on this program.
#31
⇓
Nope. Not on this program.
#31
⇓
[announcer] The Price is Right is coming to New York!
#32
⇓
[announcer] The Price is Right is coming to New York!
#32
⇓
[announcer] The Price is Right is coming to New York!
#32
⇓
Visit our website for more information
#33
⇓
Visit our website for more information
#33
⇓
Visit our website for more information
#33
⇓
on how to be a contestant.
#34
⇓
on how to be a contestant.
#34
⇓
on how to be a contestant.
#34
⇓
Brian, did you hear that?
#35
⇓
Brian, did you hear that?
#35
⇓
Brian, did you hear that?
#35
⇓
Let's go!
#36
⇓
Let's go!
#36
⇓
Let's go!
#36
⇓
What? No way.
#37
⇓
What? No way.
#37
⇓
What? No way.
#37
⇓
C'mon, we could be there and back in a day!
#38
⇓
C'mon, we could be there and back in a day!
#38
⇓
C'mon, we could be there and back in a day!
#38
⇓
[sighs] I didn't ask you
#39
⇓
[sighs] I didn't ask you
#39
⇓
[sighs] I didn't ask you
#39
⇓
because you said you hate New York.
#40
⇓
because you said you hate New York.
#40
⇓
because you said you hate New York.
#40
⇓
His mom's got Covid, so he's a little on edge.
#41
⇓
His mom's got Covid, so he's a little on edge.
#41
⇓
His mom's got Covid, so he's a little on edge.
#41
⇓
Oh, it's like the most mild case.
#42
⇓
Oh, it's like the most mild case.
#42
⇓
Oh, it's like the most mild case.
#42
⇓
Anyway, New York!
#43
⇓
Anyway, New York!
#43
⇓
Anyway, New York!
#43
⇓
Since the beer's expired,
#44
⇓
Since the beer's expired,
#44
⇓
Since the beer's expired,
#44
⇓
I need you to sign this waiver
#45
⇓
I need you to sign this waiver
#45
⇓
I need you to sign this waiver
#45
⇓
saying that if anything happens, it's not my fault.
#46
⇓
saying that if anything happens, it's not my fault.
#46
⇓
saying that if anything happens, it's not my fault.
#46
⇓
I'm just gonna write "Peter."
#47
⇓
I'm just gonna write "Peter."
#47
⇓
I'm just gonna write "Peter."
#47
⇓
I don't know how to do a autograph yet.
#48
⇓
I don't know how to do a autograph yet.
#48
⇓
I don't know how to do a autograph yet.
#48
⇓
Oh, man, this is awesome!
#49
⇓
Oh, man, this is awesome!
#49
⇓
Oh, man, this is awesome!
#49
⇓
We're gonna get so trashed tonight!
#50
⇓
We're gonna get so trashed tonight!
#50
⇓
We're gonna get so trashed tonight!
#50
⇓
Yeah, let's rip it up!
#51
⇓
Yeah, let's rip it up!
#51
⇓
Yeah, let's rip it up!
#51
⇓
Ah, nothin' hits the spot like a warm
#52
⇓
Ah, nothin' hits the spot like a warm
#52
⇓
Ah, nothin' hits the spot like a warm
#52
⇓
dust-covered can of beer.
#53
⇓
dust-covered can of beer.
#53
⇓
dust-covered can of beer.
#53
⇓
All right, Cleveland, you can do it.
#54
⇓
All right, Cleveland, you can do it.
#54
⇓
All right, Cleveland, you can do it.
#54
⇓
You can tell them that you promised your wife
#55
⇓
You can tell them that you promised your wife
#55
⇓
You can tell them that you promised your wife
#55
⇓
you're not drinking this month.
#56
⇓
you're not drinking this month.
#56
⇓
you're not drinking this month.
#56
⇓
They're your friends, and they'll respect your decision
#57
⇓
They're your friends, and they'll respect your decision
#57
⇓
They're your friends, and they'll respect your decision
#57
⇓
to honor a marital request.
#58
⇓
to honor a marital request.
#58
⇓
to honor a marital request.
#58
⇓
And if not,
#59
⇓
And if not,
#59
⇓
And if not,
#59
⇓
you're a grown man and don't need their approval anyway.
#60
⇓
you're a grown man and don't need their approval anyway.
#60
⇓
you're a grown man and don't need their approval anyway.
#60
⇓
- Beer? - Hell yeah!
#61
⇓
- Beer? - Hell yeah!
#61
⇓
- Beer? - Hell yeah!
#61
⇓
Hard alcohol was the main problem, anyway.
#62
⇓
Hard alcohol was the main problem, anyway.
#62
⇓
Hard alcohol was the main problem, anyway.
#62
⇓
You'll at least take a month off from that.
#63
⇓
You'll at least take a month off from that.
#63
⇓
You'll at least take a month off from that.
#63
⇓
- Shots? - I'm down!
#64
⇓
- Shots? - I'm down!
#64
⇓
- Shots? - I'm down!
#64
⇓
What are you wearing that for?
#65
⇓
What are you wearing that for?
#65
⇓
What are you wearing that for?
#65
⇓
Ups my chances of getting on the stage.
#66
⇓
Ups my chances of getting on the stage.
#66
⇓
Ups my chances of getting on the stage.
#66
⇓
They love military people.
#67
⇓
They love military people.
#67
⇓
They love military people.
#67
⇓
Thank you so much for your service.
#68
⇓
Thank you so much for your service.
#68
⇓
Thank you so much for your service.
#68
⇓
Oh, yeah, you bet.
#69
⇓
Oh, yeah, you bet.
#69
⇓
Oh, yeah, you bet.
#69
⇓
-Semper fi. - Oh, okay.
#70
⇓
-Semper fi. - Oh, okay.
#70
⇓
-Semper fi. - Oh, okay.
#70
⇓
Look at all these slobs trying to get free crap.
#71
⇓
Look at all these slobs trying to get free crap.
#71
⇓
Look at all these slobs trying to get free crap.
#71
⇓
I don't feel bad for tricking those people.
#72
⇓
I don't feel bad for tricking those people.
#72
⇓
I don't feel bad for tricking those people.
#72
⇓
They can get on another show,
#73
⇓
They can get on another show,
#73
⇓
They can get on another show,
#73
⇓
like Very Greased Wheel of Fortune.
#74
⇓
like Very Greased Wheel of Fortune.
#74
⇓
like Very Greased Wheel of Fortune.
#74
⇓
All right, David, you're up.
#75
⇓
All right, David, you're up.
#75
⇓
All right, David, you're up.
#75
⇓
[clapping]
#76
⇓
[clapping]
#76
⇓
[clapping]
#76
⇓
Keep clapping!
#77
⇓
Keep clapping!
#77
⇓
Keep clapping!
#77
⇓
[phone vibrating]
#78
⇓
[phone vibrating]
#78
⇓
[phone vibrating]
#78
⇓
He-- hello?
#79
⇓
He-- hello?
#79
⇓
He-- hello?
#79
⇓
Non-stop Providence to Charlotte?
#80
⇓
Non-stop Providence to Charlotte?
#80
⇓
Non-stop Providence to Charlotte?
#80
⇓
[groans]
#81
⇓
[groans]
#81
⇓
[groans]
#81
⇓
Yeah, tell traffic control I'll be there.
#82
⇓
Yeah, tell traffic control I'll be there.
#82
⇓
Yeah, tell traffic control I'll be there.
#82
⇓
Hey, can you send a car? I-- I don't think I can drive.
#83
⇓
Hey, can you send a car? I-- I don't think I can drive.
#83
⇓
Hey, can you send a car? I-- I don't think I can drive.
#83
⇓
[groans]
#84
⇓
[groans]
#84
⇓
[groans]
#84
⇓
God, I must've passed out.
#85
⇓
God, I must've passed out.
#85
⇓
God, I must've passed out.
#85
⇓
Hey, you've got some kind of drawing on your face.
#86
⇓
Hey, you've got some kind of drawing on your face.
#86
⇓
Hey, you've got some kind of drawing on your face.
#86
⇓
Is it a dong?
#87
⇓
Is it a dong?
#87
⇓
Is it a dong?
#87
⇓
Quagmire always frickin' dongs me.
#88
⇓
Quagmire always frickin' dongs me.
#88
⇓
Quagmire always frickin' dongs me.
#88
⇓
No, it's like a hand twirling a fancy mustache...
#89
⇓
No, it's like a hand twirling a fancy mustache...
#89
⇓
No, it's like a hand twirling a fancy mustache...
#89
⇓
Wait, don't rub that off!
#90
⇓
Wait, don't rub that off!
#90
⇓
Wait, don't rub that off!
#90
⇓
Peter, I think that might be a Banksy!
#91
⇓
Peter, I think that might be a Banksy!
#91
⇓
Peter, I think that might be a Banksy!
#91
⇓
- A what? - A Banksy!
#92
⇓
- A what? - A Banksy!
#92
⇓
- A what? - A Banksy!
#92
⇓
He's this world-famous artist that keeps his identity a secret.
#93
⇓
He's this world-famous artist that keeps his identity a secret.
#93
⇓
He's this world-famous artist that keeps his identity a secret.
#93
⇓
Why would he do that?
#94
⇓
Why would he do that?
#94
⇓
Why would he do that?
#94
⇓
'Cause, you know how whenever you see
#95
⇓
'Cause, you know how whenever you see
#95
⇓
'Cause, you know how whenever you see
#95
⇓
a famous modern artist walking down the street,
#96
⇓
a famous modern artist walking down the street,
#96
⇓
a famous modern artist walking down the street,
#96
⇓
you're like, "Hey, there's that famous modern artist,
#97
⇓
you're like, "Hey, there's that famous modern artist,
#97
⇓
you're like, "Hey, there's that famous modern artist,
#97
⇓
and I got all types of inquiries about modern art."
#98
⇓
and I got all types of inquiries about modern art."
#98
⇓
and I got all types of inquiries about modern art."
#98
⇓
Banksy's just a regular guy.
#99
⇓
Banksy's just a regular guy.
#99
⇓
Banksy's just a regular guy.
#99
⇓
His wife puts his pants on one leg at a time,
#100
⇓
His wife puts his pants on one leg at a time,
#100
⇓
His wife puts his pants on one leg at a time,
#100
⇓
just like you and me.
#101
⇓
just like you and me.
#101
⇓
just like you and me.
#101
⇓
Well, I better get home, wash this thing off my face.
#102
⇓
Well, I better get home, wash this thing off my face.
#102
⇓
Well, I better get home, wash this thing off my face.
#102
⇓
Don't wash it off!
#103
⇓
Don't wash it off!
#103
⇓
Don't wash it off!
#103
⇓
It's probably worth a lot of money.
#104
⇓
It's probably worth a lot of money.
#104
⇓
It's probably worth a lot of money.
#104
⇓
[Donna] Cleveland Brown, you get your butt home right now!
#105
⇓
[Donna] Cleveland Brown, you get your butt home right now!
#105
⇓
[Donna] Cleveland Brown, you get your butt home right now!
#105
⇓
Donna, I-- I think somebody spiked my O'Doul's!
#106
⇓
Donna, I-- I think somebody spiked my O'Doul's!
#106
⇓
Donna, I-- I think somebody spiked my O'Doul's!
#106
⇓
[all cheering]
#107
⇓
[all cheering]
#107
⇓
[all cheering]
#107
⇓
I can't believe we're actually here!
#108
⇓
I can't believe we're actually here!
#108
⇓
I can't believe we're actually here!
#108
⇓
[camera shutter clicks]
#109
⇓
[camera shutter clicks]
#109
⇓
[camera shutter clicks]
#109
⇓
Hey-- hey, what do you think the caption should be?
#110
⇓
Hey-- hey, what do you think the caption should be?
#110
⇓
Hey-- hey, what do you think the caption should be?
#110
⇓
"So... this happened,"
#111
⇓
"So... this happened,"
#111
⇓
"So... this happened,"
#111
⇓
or "Scorchin' it!"?
#112
⇓
or "Scorchin' it!"?
#112
⇓
or "Scorchin' it!"?
#112
⇓
Yeah, "Scorchin' it!" is kinda Joe's thing.
#113
⇓
Yeah, "Scorchin' it!" is kinda Joe's thing.
#113
⇓
Yeah, "Scorchin' it!" is kinda Joe's thing.
#113
⇓
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
#114
⇓
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
#114
⇓
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
#114
⇓
Like I sit around and try to copy Joe.
#115
⇓
Like I sit around and try to copy Joe.
#115
⇓
Like I sit around and try to copy Joe.
#115
⇓
You got "Rip it up" from Joe.
#116
⇓
You got "Rip it up" from Joe.
#116
⇓
You got "Rip it up" from Joe.
#116
⇓
I did get "Rip it up" from Joe.
#117
⇓
I did get "Rip it up" from Joe.
#117
⇓
I did get "Rip it up" from Joe.
#117
⇓
Is he a gigantic influence on me?
#118
⇓
Is he a gigantic influence on me?
#118
⇓
Is he a gigantic influence on me?
#118
⇓
Do I love Joe?
#119
⇓
Do I love Joe?
#119
⇓
Do I love Joe?
#119
⇓
God, look at all these shrieking idiots.
#120
⇓
God, look at all these shrieking idiots.
#120
⇓
God, look at all these shrieking idiots.
#120
⇓
How empty are their lives if this gets them that excited?
#121
⇓
How empty are their lives if this gets them that excited?
#121
⇓
How empty are their lives if this gets them that excited?
#121
⇓
[announcer] Our next contestant on The Price is Right is
#122
⇓
[announcer] Our next contestant on The Price is Right is
#122
⇓
[announcer] Our next contestant on The Price is Right is
#122
⇓
Brian Griffin.
#123
⇓
Brian Griffin.
#123
⇓
Brian Griffin.
#123
⇓
Come on down!
#124
⇓
Come on down!
#124
⇓
Come on down!
#124
⇓
Aah! It's me... it's me!
#125
⇓
Aah! It's me... it's me!
#125
⇓
Aah! It's me... it's me!
#125
⇓
What the hell! I served in Iraq or-- or whatever.
#126
⇓
What the hell! I served in Iraq or-- or whatever.
#126
⇓
What the hell! I served in Iraq or-- or whatever.
#126
⇓
That's me! They called my name!
#127
⇓
That's me! They called my name!
#127
⇓
That's me! They called my name!
#127
⇓
Zoomies!
#128
⇓
Zoomies!
#128
⇓
Zoomies!
#128
⇓
Joke's on him, he won't know any of this stuff.
#129
⇓
Joke's on him, he won't know any of this stuff.
#129
⇓
Joke's on him, he won't know any of this stuff.
#129
⇓
Okay, welcome up, Brian.
#130
⇓
Okay, welcome up, Brian.
#130
⇓
Okay, welcome up, Brian.
#130
⇓
George, tell us about our next item up for bids.
#131
⇓
George, tell us about our next item up for bids.
#131
⇓
It's a brand-new day bed for the modern writer dog!
#132
⇓
It's a brand-new day bed for the modern writer dog!
#132
⇓
Cut his marbles off, Drew!
#133
⇓
Cut his marbles off, Drew!
#133
⇓
Mary, why don't you get us started?
#134
⇓
Mary, why don't you get us started?
#134
⇓
Uh, I've never heard of such a thing. I don't know, um,
#135
⇓
Uh, I've never heard of such a thing. I don't know, um,
#135
⇓
- $6,000? - [bell dings]
#136
⇓
- $6,000? - [bell dings]
#136
⇓
I, too, have never heard of such a thing.
#137
⇓
I, too, have never heard of such a thing.
#137
⇓
- $12? - [bell dings]
#138
⇓
- $12? - [bell dings]
#138
⇓
- $6,001. - [bell dings]
#139
⇓
- $6,001. - [bell dings]
#139
⇓
- $289.99, Drew. - [bell dings]
#140
⇓
- $289.99, Drew. - [bell dings]
#140
⇓
Actual retail price...
#141
⇓
Actual retail price...
#141
⇓
$289.99.
#142
⇓
$289.99.
#142
⇓
Brian, you're the winner!
#143
⇓
Brian, you're the winner!
#143
⇓
- [♪ upbeat music playing] - [crowd clapping]
#144
⇓
- [♪ upbeat music playing] - [crowd clapping]
#144
⇓
An exact bid!
#145
⇓
An exact bid!
#145
⇓
Brian's a legend!
#146
⇓
Brian's a legend!
#146
⇓
Oh, I'm back on board!
#147
⇓
Oh, I'm back on board!
#147
⇓
That means, Brian, you'll be in today's "Showcase Showdown."
#148
⇓
That means, Brian, you'll be in today's "Showcase Showdown."
#148
⇓
[crowd cheering]
#149
⇓
[crowd cheering]
#149
⇓
And jealous Stewie is back.
#150
⇓
And jealous Stewie is back.
#150
⇓
Is it weird watching this show
#151
⇓
Is it weird watching this show
#151
⇓
while you're not ironing, you wretched hag?
#152
⇓
while you're not ironing, you wretched hag?
#152
⇓
Sorry, I'm-- I'm mad about something else.
#153
⇓
Sorry, I'm-- I'm mad about something else.
#153
⇓
Brian, the actual retail price of your showcase is...
#154
⇓
Brian, the actual retail price of your showcase is...
#154
⇓
$29,232.
#155
⇓
$29,232.
#155
⇓
That means, Brian Griffin,
#156
⇓
That means, Brian Griffin,
#156
⇓
you've won today's "Showcase Showdown"!
#157
⇓
you've won today's "Showcase Showdown"!
#157
⇓
I won a boat!
#158
⇓
I won a boat!
#158
⇓
Congratulations, Brian.
#159
⇓
Congratulations, Brian.
#159
⇓
Anyone you want to say hi to out there?
#160
⇓
Anyone you want to say hi to out there?
#160
⇓
There sure is. I wanna say hi to my best bud, Stewie.
#161
⇓
Aww.
#162
⇓
Stewie Grimaldi.
#163
⇓
What?
#164
⇓
Hey, Ma, Brian just mentioned me!
#165
⇓
[mother] What's he wanna mention you for?
#166
⇓
Ma!
#167
⇓
Look at this guy!
#168
⇓
Scorchin' it!
#169
⇓
She's a beaut, Brian. What kinda fuel you puttin' in this puppy?
#170
⇓
Um... boat fuel?
#171
⇓
Yup, that's just about my knowledge of boats, too.
#172
⇓
Got a lot of great memories on boats.
#173
⇓
Would you like to hear about each one, Brian?
#174
⇓
Oh, you know, I would, but, I-- it's just, I got--
#175
⇓
I got a lot of boat stuff I gotta do.
#176
⇓
Oh, sure. Yeah.
#177
⇓
Sure, sure, yeah, I bet.
#178
⇓
[knocking]
#179
⇓
Cleaning lady's at the house, and I'm not sure what to do.
#180
⇓
That should have been my boat.
#181
⇓
[sighs] Fine, Rupert.
#182
⇓
I feel that should've been my boat.
#183
⇓
See, I can weaponize therapy, too.
#184
⇓
Good evening. Our top story,
#185
⇓
attractive field reporter returns from maternity leave.
#186
⇓
Let's see if she snapped back.
#187
⇓
Thanks, Tom. Tensions rise on the Senate floor, as--
#188
⇓
Not bad.
#189
⇓
Not great, but not bad.
#190
⇓
In other news, Quahog resident Peter Griffin
#191
⇓
awoke to find an original Banksy drawn onto his face.
#192
⇓
The artist shared a photo of the piece on his Instagram this morning,
#193
⇓
claiming authorship.
#194
⇓
What was your reaction when you found out it was a Banksy?
#195
⇓
Well, in my day, graffiti wasn't street art, it was a crime.
#196
⇓
And these lawless thugs--
#197
⇓
This isn't the Fox News interview.
#198
⇓
Oh, well, then I thought it was neat.
#199
⇓
Art is important and I like pictures.
#200
⇓
[knocking at door]
#201
⇓
- Peter Griffin? - Yeah?
#202
⇓
I'm the curator for the Quahog Urban Museum.
#203
⇓
Oh, I love the QUM!
#204
⇓
Thank you, we always enjoy hearing that.
#205
⇓
Listen, it's not often that a museum gets to display a Banksy.
#206
⇓
We'd love for you to come be an exhibit at the museum.
#207
⇓
Wow, me?
#208
⇓
At a museum?
#209
⇓
Free lunches? Tons of chicks?
#210
⇓
An assistant to fetch the lunches and bring the chick tons?
#211
⇓
We'll be in touch with all the details. Good day.
#212
⇓
Why didn't you introduce us to him?
#213
⇓
Chris, bite your strap!
#214
⇓
[growling]
#215
⇓
Peter, are you sure about this museum business?
#216
⇓
What about your job?
#217
⇓
I know this is hard, Lois,
#218
⇓
but this is what we've always talked about since this morning.
#219
⇓
- But Peter-- - Look, Lois,
#220
⇓
I'm never gonna be able to say this right.
#221
⇓
But you know who will?
#222
⇓
Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights.
#223
⇓
Lois, let me tell you somethin'.
#224
⇓
I am clearly the worst first half coach in the history of high-school football,
#225
⇓
and that enables me to make halftime speeches like this.
#226
⇓
Now, Lois,
#227
⇓
this ain't just about football.
#228
⇓
Peter's not the brightest, and he ain't the best lookin'.
#229
⇓
Heck, I don't even know how he gets his shoes on in the morning.
#230
⇓
But a guy drew on his face, and that means somethin'.
#231
⇓
Now let's get out there and show this tiny Texas town
#232
⇓
what big-city modern art is all about!
#233
⇓
Let's go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
#234
⇓
[players cheering]
#235
⇓
Gentlemen, you are all here because you want to get your boat license.
#236
⇓
By the end of this course,
#237
⇓
you will be able to take a sip from a Bud Light can with one hand
#238
⇓
and push a lever forward with the other.
#239
⇓
[crowd murmuring]
#240
⇓
Between the can and the lever, how are we supposed to smoke a cigarette?
#241
⇓
Sir, it's a three-hour course.
#242
⇓
Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
#243
⇓
Now, let's do a little role-playing.
#244
⇓
Brian, come on up here.
#245
⇓
Now, pretend I'm the Coast Guard
#246
⇓
and I've just flagged you down.
#247
⇓
"Sir, how many drinks have you had today?"
#248
⇓
Uh, I don't know, one or two.
#249
⇓
[laughs]
#250
⇓
We got a pro here!
#251
⇓
You see what Brian did there?
#252
⇓
He kept his cool,
#253
⇓
avoided eye contact,
#254
⇓
and he lied.
#255
⇓
Great job, Brian!
#256
⇓
Now, let's see here.
#257
⇓
I'm assuming you've all had your mandatory three-way... da-da-da.
#258
⇓
Tank tops are optional.
#259
⇓
Welp, that's it!
#260
⇓
[crowd cheering]
#261
⇓
Just make sure you all download Rascal Flatts' greatest hits,
#262
⇓
and I will see you out on the water!
#263
⇓
Okay.
#264
⇓
[slurps]
#265
⇓
[sighs]
#266
⇓
Mornin', everyone.
#267
⇓
Oh, look at this, the family all gathered around the galley.
#268
⇓
[sighs]
#269
⇓
Okay.
#270
⇓
Anyone happen to catch the dew point this morning?
#271
⇓
It's super-important that I know that now.
#272
⇓
[sighs]
#273
⇓
A pal of mine up in Gloucester says they were seeing 3-foot swells.
#274
⇓
I'll tell ya, that'll make you blow your groceries, boy!
#275
⇓
[laughs heartily]
#276
⇓
[sighs]
#277
⇓
So, you're diggin' the boat life, huh?
#278
⇓
[sighs]
#279
⇓
You ever gonna get this thing on the water?
#280
⇓
"On the water."
#281
⇓
[laughs] I love...
#282
⇓
I love how you land-walkers talk about Big Blue.
#283
⇓
You know, I've gotta say, you changed your attitude
#284
⇓
pretty quickly about this boat.
#285
⇓
- What do you mean? - You don't remember
#286
⇓
knocking The Price is Right
#287
⇓
as a consumerist ploy targeting the idiot minds of America?
#288
⇓
Nah, brah, I've just been chillin'.
#289
⇓
You are such a hypocrite!
#290
⇓
You pretend to have a social conscience,
#291
⇓
but in the end, you're just an opportunistic piece of crap!
#292
⇓
Oh, yeah? Would an opportunistic piece of crap
#293
⇓
call his boat this?
#294
⇓
Wow! You're totally just virtue signaling!
#295
⇓
You put a pun on the back of a boat
#296
⇓
and suddenly you're an ally to women everywhere?
#297
⇓
And what are you doing for humanity today?
#298
⇓
You really are the worst kind of person, Brian.
#299
⇓
Well, except a person you work with that just had surgery.
#300
⇓
[typing]
#301
⇓
Ah, you looked at it, now we have to talk about it!
#302
⇓
And, of course, the last stop on the tour is our newest exhibit--
#303
⇓
the Banksy.
#304
⇓
As you can see,
#305
⇓
the beauty of the image juxtaposed against the grotesque body
#306
⇓
is representative of the incoherence of art itself.
#307
⇓
[crowd murmuring]
#308
⇓
Is the Charleston Chew in his pocket part of the art?
#309
⇓
No, he shouldn't have that!
#310
⇓
Aw!
#311
⇓
All right, guys, no more orgasm sounds when you see naked paintings.
#312
⇓
Let's try to focus on the brush strokes.
#313
⇓
Oh, my God, this is so embarrassing!
#314
⇓
It's fine, Chris.
#315
⇓
A lot of kids your age have visible panty lines.
#316
⇓
No, VPL is part of my ensemble.
#317
⇓
I'm talking about my dad!
#318
⇓
Dad, do you have to be here?
#319
⇓
Can't you go to the bathroom or something?
#320
⇓
Nah, if I gotta go, they put a black tent over me
#321
⇓
like if they gotta shoot a horse.
#322
⇓
Is everything all right over here?
#323
⇓
- Yeah, I'm just talking to my son. - Oh!
#324
⇓
I thought it was a big woman from behind.
#325
⇓
Excuse me?
#326
⇓
Listen, there's been a lot of interest in the piece from private investors.
#327
⇓
I'm Chris, by the way.
#328
⇓
Would you ever consider going up for auction?
#329
⇓
How would that even work?
#330
⇓
Well, the winner would have you go and exist
#331
⇓
as part of their private collection.
#332
⇓
You would be sort of a "living art."
#333
⇓
There would be a lot of money in it for you.
#334
⇓
I've seen these things go for millions.
#335
⇓
Millions, huh?
#336
⇓
Well, with that kind of dough, I could finally be my own boss!
#337
⇓
[typing]
#338
⇓
Oh, God, the boss is coming.
#339
⇓
Hey, Peter.
#340
⇓
I see you're wearing the pants I gave you.
#341
⇓
- Yeah. - Good.
#342
⇓
Good, good, good, good, good.
#343
⇓
Just so you know, you're doing all the right things.
#344
⇓
Hey, Peter.
#345
⇓
I see you're wearing the pants I gave you.
#346
⇓
Good, good, good, good, good.
#347
⇓
All right, so what's this all about now?
#348
⇓
You called me out,
#349
⇓
so now I'm gonna show you that I'm not just all talk.
#350
⇓
- What are you saying? - I'm saying...
#351
⇓
I'm gonna take the Row V. Wade to Texas
#352
⇓
and bring back women who want to safely have abortions!
#353
⇓
Well, that's great, Brian!
#354
⇓
Maybe even Popeye will help us sail down there.
#355
⇓
[speaking gibberish]
#356
⇓
Life begins at conception.
#357
⇓
[speaking gibberish]
#358
⇓
Not a choice, it's a child.
#359
⇓
Okay, I guess no Popeye.
#360
⇓
Wait a minute, Brian, this is insane!
#361
⇓
You really think you're going to rescue women who want to have abortions?
#362
⇓
Well, women or girls.
#363
⇓
It is Texas.
#364
⇓
All right, I gotta see what a disaster this becomes.
#365
⇓
I'm going with you.
#366
⇓
Plus, it's supposed to be 75 today and I could use some color.
#367
⇓
So, you just assume this is going to be a disaster, huh?
#368
⇓
How-- how come you never root for me to succeed?
#369
⇓
Because we're very good friends, Brian.
#370
⇓
Now come on, buddy, let's go see your thing turn to crud.
#371
⇓
Peter, you are not gonna auction yourself off, whatever that means!
#372
⇓
Don't you see, Lois? This is it!
#373
⇓
Our meal ticket!
#374
⇓
Peter, no!
#375
⇓
We need a present and attentive father for Chris, Meg, and Stewie,
#376
⇓
who I'm sure is in the house here somewhere
#377
⇓
or at the very least certainly on dry land.
#378
⇓
Look, I'm sure wherever I go, you guys can come visit.
#379
⇓
Maybe even live there!
#380
⇓
I will think of you every day
#381
⇓
when I'm hanging on the wall of that probably Arab.
#382
⇓
Peter, I--
#383
⇓
I like our life!
#384
⇓
And, frankly, I want to see it go back
#385
⇓
to the way it was before this stupid painting.
#386
⇓
"Stupid painting"?
#387
⇓
- Ugh, just so sad. - What?
#388
⇓
You've always been jealous of my success.
#389
⇓
What success?
#390
⇓
Something happened to you!
#391
⇓
And very recently!
#392
⇓
I see what's going on.
#393
⇓
This is because I had an emotional affair with my trainer.
#394
⇓
Peter, I'm the one who had an emotional affair with my trainer.
#395
⇓
You had a traumatic response and pretended it was you.
#396
⇓
And you'll never forgive me for it, will you?
#397
⇓
All right, time to find us some preggos.
#398
⇓
That quote's going on the statue of you.
#399
⇓
Pregnant?
#400
⇓
Abortion? Need an abortion?
#401
⇓
I'm sorry, what did you say?
#402
⇓
I'm offering safe refuge for anyone who wants an abortion.
#403
⇓
[laughs]
#404
⇓
Oh, my God, I thought you said "Astros suck."
#405
⇓
- Yeah, sure, I'll take an abortion! - Awesome!
#406
⇓
Do you know any other pregnant women who don't want to have a baby?
#407
⇓
Oh, sure, lots.
#408
⇓
I'll go get 'em.
#409
⇓
Great, just meet us here--
#410
⇓
Ugh, here comes a sad, oil-covered bird.
#411
⇓
Are y'all here for the Dawn dish soap commercial?
#412
⇓
Uh, no.
#413
⇓
Oh.
#414
⇓
Well, I'll be on my way then.
#415
⇓
Flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.
#416
⇓
[crowd murmuring]
#417
⇓
Very small food?
#418
⇓
Do you have anything smaller?
#419
⇓
I'm very rich.
#420
⇓
All right, the next item up for bid
#421
⇓
is "A Change Perhaps..."
#422
⇓
by Banksy.
#423
⇓
[crowd murmuring]
#424
⇓
Hey, why does he have a Charleston Chew?
#425
⇓
You said we're not supposed to have them.
#426
⇓
Aw.
#427
⇓
Why don't we start the bidding at one million dollars?
#428
⇓
Okay, one million to James Bottomtooth.
#429
⇓
[speaking incoherently]
#430
⇓
Oh, I'm sorry, $1.5 million.
#431
⇓
I have 1.5, do I hear 2?
#432
⇓
Two million?
#433
⇓
Two million. Two and a half? 2.5... 3.
#434
⇓
Three million, going once, going twice...
#435
⇓
Sol...
#436
⇓
[splashes]
#437
⇓
[crowd gasps]
#438
⇓
You're not going anywhere!
#439
⇓
If I have to live out this miserable life, I'm not doing it alone!
#440
⇓
It's ruined!
#441
⇓
She's ruined the Banksy!
#442
⇓
Arrest this woman!
#443
⇓
Wait! Banksy just posted something to his Instagram!
#444
⇓
Don't you see!
#445
⇓
This is the art! Us!
#446
⇓
All of this!
#447
⇓
Banksy knew that this would happen?
#448
⇓
Yes, he knew this man would abandon his family for the highest price!
#449
⇓
Brilliant! It's a comment on capitalism
#450
⇓
as a dividing force in marital relationships!
#451
⇓
I've actually got an art boner right now.
#452
⇓
Only happened one other time.
#453
⇓
Really, no follow-up questions?
#454
⇓
Art boner story going once, going twice...
#455
⇓
Aw, you people are no fun.
#456
⇓
Wait, am I still worth anything?
#457
⇓
I suppose if someone wanted to pay for you, yes.
#458
⇓
Stop breathing so loud!
#459
⇓
I can't hear what NCIS is saying.
#460
⇓
I don't think his name is NCIS.
#461
⇓
Shut up, art!
#462
⇓
I didn't think about what it would be like to be on the ocean
#463
⇓
with 12 pregnant women.
#464
⇓
[retching]
#465
⇓
Still waiting on my tomato juice!
#466
⇓
Right, yes, I'm on it.
#467
⇓
I'm very sensitive to smells.
#468
⇓
Could you turn that off?
#469
⇓
- The-- the ocean? - Yeah.
#470
⇓
I'll see what I can do.
#471
⇓
My Lord, how did they get pregnant in the first place?
#472
⇓
Gimme a sec. I gotta ask Lois to look up
#473
⇓
where the abortion clinics are in Quahog.
#474
⇓
[phone ringing]
#475
⇓
- Hello? - Meg!
#476
⇓
Is your mom there? I-- I need to ask her something.
#477
⇓
No, Dad got sold as a piece of art to Grandpa,
#478
⇓
so she's over there dealing with that.
#479
⇓
Oh. Peter got sold as a piece of art this week.
#480
⇓
Okay, so we're definitely the A-story.
#481
⇓
Listen, Stewie and I are on the Row V. Wade,
#482
⇓
smuggling pregnant women from Texas to get abortions in Rhode Island.
#483
⇓
Oh!
#484
⇓
Brian and Stewie are bringing pregnant women back from Texas to get abortions.
#485
⇓
Oh, then our babysitting business is definitely the A-story.
#486
⇓
Can you look up where all the abortion clinics are?
#487
⇓
Oh, I got you.
#488
⇓
There's two or three on Route 6,
#489
⇓
one on Westbridge, and there's one in Smithfield
#490
⇓
that has a great Nespresso machine.
#491
⇓
You could try the Bargain 'Borts,
#492
⇓
but the bathrooms are gross.
#493
⇓
Great, thank you, Meg!
#494
⇓
Oh, by the way, Brian, you got a call from the IRS.
#495
⇓
Apparently you owe $40,000 in taxes on the boat.
#496
⇓
- What? - Yeah.
#497
⇓
Game show prizes have to be declared as income.
#498
⇓
This unknown rule has destroyed a lot of middle American lives.
#499
⇓
Ugh, all right, thanks.
#500
⇓
Where the hell am I gonna get $40,000?
#501
⇓
You want me to start dancing again, hey?
#502
⇓
- Get Stewie back up on the pole? - What?
#503
⇓
No, that would never be a thought that would enter into my mind.
#504
⇓
Coulda said, "Thanks for the offer."
#505
⇓
You know, there's a law in Texas
#506
⇓
that if you turn in someone who's trying to get an abortion,
#507
⇓
they give you 10 grand.
#508
⇓
You're an absolute monster.
#509
⇓
- What do we got, 12 of them? - Yup.
#510
⇓
We turn in four, pay the taxes,
#511
⇓
boat's ours, and we've still helped eight women.
#512
⇓
Right.
#513
⇓
- What? - I don't know.
#514
⇓
Might be nice to have an extra 10k lying around.
#515
⇓
All right, we turn in five, help seven,
#516
⇓
still a pretty great thing we did.
#517
⇓
So, who do we turn in?
#518
⇓
I mean, Gina's been horrible.
#519
⇓
Yup, Gina's gone.
#520
⇓
You know, Stacy snapped at me when I asked her to take off her shoes.
#521
⇓
- Buh-bye. - Sarah told me I have a "girl shirt,"
#522
⇓
so I'd rather never see her again.
#523
⇓
Good enough for me.
#524
⇓
Wait-- wait a second. Let's be clear about what we're doing here.
#525
⇓
We're talking about potentially having taken these women to get abortions
#526
⇓
and then turning them in for bounties.
#527
⇓
I mean, are we actually the kind of people who would do something like that?
#528
⇓
Leanne "shushed" me.
#529
⇓
Well, I gotta say, I'm glad everything's back to normal.
#530
⇓
Yeah, I just wish I closed my eyes when you threw the paint.
#531
⇓
I feel like I'd rather smell than see anyway.
#532
⇓
[sniffs]
#533
⇓
Chris, go wash your feet.
#534
⇓
And I think you and I learned a valuable lesson this week.
#535
⇓
Oh, yeah. Never get a boat.
#536
⇓
[both laugh]
#537
⇓
And-- and the bounty thing.
#538
⇓
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