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Home » Family Guy » S23E15 — Martian Meg

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 15 — Martian Meg

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

Wowza.

↓

But first, would you like to spend the rest of your life alone?

alone life rest spend

↓

Would you like your last meal to be a handful of red dirt?

dirt handful meal

↓

Well, a local firm here in Quahog

firm local quahog

↓

is now accepting applications

accepting applications

↓

to take a one-direction trip to Mars.

direction mars trip

↓

The mission is being supported

mission supported

↓

by the Quahog Engineering and Scientific Organization,

engineering organization quahog scientific

↓

or QuESO.

↓

Let me get that gift-wrapped.

gift wrapped

↓

Whoa! Who is this tall drink of water?

drink tall water whoa

↓

- Come on, Stewie, let's-- - Brian.

brian stewie

↓

Leave the aisle and then come back

aisle

↓

and ask for my autograph.

autograph

↓

So, what part of Q-town are you from?

part town

↓

Oh, very hip. Right by that Thai fusion speakeasy

thai

↓

that used to be a needle exchange.

exchange needle used

↓

- I love it over there. - Uh, excuse me, sir.

excuse love

↓

- May I have your auto-- - Not now.

auto

↓

I'm in a conversation. Wait for me outside.

conversation

↓

And that never happens to me.

happens

↓

Guys. Is this...

↓

Are we a... a throuple?

throuple

↓

Oh, hey, Brian, you remember Made In from the pharmacy.

brian pharmacy remember

↓

- Made In? - Yeah. See?

↓

I'm gonna go binge-surf Hinge in a dark room.

dark room surf

↓

Don't listen to him. He doesn't accept you, Made In.

accept

↓

I accept you.

accept

↓

No, we accept you.

accept

↓

All right, who wants to get throup'd first?

wants

↓

[doorbell rings]

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

- Oh, hey, Meg. - Hey, Mr. Quagmire.

quagmire

↓

So there's this Dua Lipa show.

↓

- Oh, uh, no. - I've got two tickets,

tickets

↓

and I was wondering if...

wondering

↓

- No. - ...you would want to go with me.

↓

- It's this synchronized light show. - Stop asking.

asking light synchronized

↓

- Honestly, it's high-tech. - I can't think of anything worse.

tech worse

↓

- You get to socialize... - Read my body language.

body body-language language read socialize

↓

- ...with other fans at intermission. - Hear what I'm saying.

fans intermission

↓

- Meg. Meg. Meg. - What do you say?

↓

Look me in the eye. The answer is no.

answer

↓

But you always say "no" is just a spicy "yes."

spicy

↓

[Glenn] Stop telling people I said that!

glenn telling

↓

- You want to go with me? - Meg, no.

↓

- It's this synchronized light show. - Stop asking.

asking light synchronized

↓

- It's high-tech. - I can't think of anything worse.

tech worse

↓

- You get to socialize... - Read my body language.

body body-language language read socialize

↓

- ...with other fans at intermission. - Hear what I'm saying.

fans intermission

↓

- What do you say? - Look me in the eye. The answer is no.

answer

↓

But you always say "no" is just a spicy "yes."

spicy

↓

[Herbert] Stop telling people I said that!

herbert telling

↓

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

announcer announcer-ladies gentlemen ladies

↓

please welcome Dua Lipa's... outline.

welcome

↓

[crowd cheering]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

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Unfortunately, due to a technical glitch,

glitch technical unfortunately

↓

or an Eric, as we're calling them around here,

calling eric

↓

we're unable to play the music,

music unable

↓

and will instead be playing

playing

↓

the audio book of The Joy Luck Club,

audio book club luck

↓

as read by Howard Stern.

howard read stern

↓

[Howard] "Part One:

howard part

↓

"Feathers from a Thousand Li Away."

feathers thousand

↓

God, this is so hot.

↓

I'm telling you, I go nuts for these Chinese babes.

babes chinese nuts telling

↓

Mom? What are you doing here?

↓

I thought you were busy.

busy

↓

I'm sorry. There was a Groupon.

groupon

↓

The moment it was $4 cheaper, I was powerless to say no.

cheaper moment powerless

↓

[sobbing]

sobbing

↓

"And she saw how quickly their eyes moved

eyes moved quickly

↓

"when she told them her idea for the Joy Luck Club."

club idea luck

↓

Hey, she said the name of the thing in the thing.

name

↓

I love that.

love

↓

[sobbing]

sobbing

↓

[♪ pensive rock music playing, David Bowie "Life on Mars"]

david life mars music music-playing pensive playing rock rock-music rock-music-playing

↓

♪ It's a god-awful small affair ♪

affair awful

↓

♪ To the girl with the mousy hair ♪

girl hair

↓

♪ But her mummy is yelling "No" ♪

mummy yelling

↓

♪ Take a look at the lawman beating up the wrong guy ♪

beating

↓

♪ Oh, man Wonder if he'll ever know ♪

wonder

↓

♪ He's in the best-selling show ♪

best selling

↓

[singing off-key] ♪ Is there life on Mars? ♪

life mars singing

↓

[car alarms blaring]

alarms blaring

↓

Shut up, Meg.

↓

But, Meg, why on earth would you want to go to Mars?

earth mars

↓

I made up my mind, and this is what I want.

mind

↓

You know what, Meg? You're right.

↓

This will be good for you.

↓

And if you're chosen, we'll miss you,

chosen miss

↓

but you'll have our support.

support

↓

Oh. Wow, thanks, Mom.

thanks

↓

I appreciate that.

appreciate

↓

[chuckles] You see what I did there, Peter?

chuckles peter

↓

That is some next-level jujitsu parenting right there.

level parenting

↓

Oh, yeah, I get what you're going for.

↓

Get rid of Meg, get some hot exchange student from Sweden.

exchange student

↓

Me and her, we flirt a little, we get something going.

flirt

↓

And then one thing leads to another.

another leads

↓

I cross a line, next thing you know,

cross line

↓

we're all walking on eggshells.

walking

↓

Her dad calls from Sweden,

calls

↓

I can't understand a word he's saying.

word

↓

He's either really happy or really mad.

happy

↓

No, Peter, listen.

peter

↓

Meg's just rebelling for attention.

attention megs

↓

I used to do the same thing.

used

↓

I once felt Ted Turner over the pants

pants turner

↓

- right in front of my dad. - Very relatable.

front

↓

But what I learned about parenting

learned parenting

↓

from the the jacket of a book I didn't buy

book jacket

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is that when your child rebels,

child rebels

↓

you can't push back or they'll double down.

double push

↓

You just stay supportive,

supportive

↓

let them learn their own lessons,

learn lessons

↓

and they'll come crawling back to you in the end.

crawling

↓

How is that different than what I said?

↓

Plus, every lonely incel in the country

country lonely plus

↓

is applying to this thing.

applying

↓

She'll never be chosen.

chosen shell

↓

[cell phone chimes]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-chimes chimes phone phone-chimes

↓

[yawning]

yawning

↓

How could you possibly have any energy this morning?

energy morning possibly

↓

You're right. Time to greet this glorious day.

glorious greet

↓

First, we'll grab avocado toast at Simone's

avocado grab toast

↓

and then leisurely flip through the West Elm catalog

flip west

↓

and circle everything we hate.

circle hate

↓

[sniffs, exhales]

exhales sniffs

↓

What do you say?

↓

Shall we take our breakfast on the balcony?

balcony breakfast

↓

When you're in a throuple, whatever house you're in

house throuple

↓

automatically grows a Juliet balcony

automatically balcony grows juliet

↓

to lean against in your robe and boxers

boxers lean robe

↓

with a hot flavored coffee and just sigh.

coffee flavored sigh

↓

Ahh!

↓

Welcome, recruits.

recruits welcome

↓

My name is Sergeant Bensinger, retired.

name retired sergeant

↓

I drank lots of water at Camp Lejeune

camp drank lots water

↓

and am now financially independent.

financially independent

↓

To start things off, I'm gonna say this one more time.

start

↓

This is about a one-direction trip to Mars

direction mars trip

↓

and not about the pop band One Direction.

band direction

↓

[all grumbling]

grumbling

↓

[man] Come on, man!

↓

Now then, this will be a cutthroat, exhaustive

↓

and highly competitive selection process.

competitive highly process selection

↓

We're not just looking for the best

best looking

↓

or the best of the best.

best

↓

We're looking for the best of the best of the best.

best looking

↓

Of the best.

best

↓

Ah, crud!

↓

If only he'd stopped at the previous "best."

best previous stopped

↓

[♪ jubilant music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

All right, trainees.

↓

It's very important to have a cool thing to say

cool

↓

the minute you set foot on Mars.

foot mars minute

↓

Meg, we'll start with you.

start

↓

[nasally] Did I do that?

↓

Not bad.

↓

We would also have accepted, "Whassup?"

accepted whassup

↓

Okay, trainees, as you may remember

remember

↓

from the movie The Right Stuff,

movie stuff

↓

we'll need to collect a semen sample from each of you.

collect sample semen

↓

- But I-- - No exceptions.

↓

Figure it out.

figure

↓

Well, somehow, you did it. Everyone come back tomorrow,

tomorrow

↓

you start the real training with the real guy. Bye!

real start training

↓

The Martian environment is completely cold, harsh and inhospitable.

cold completely environment harsh

↓

To train you to survive,

survive train

↓

we found a similar environment.

environment found similar

↓

An abandoned Bed, Bath & Beyond.

abandoned bath beyond

↓

Anyway, as long as we're here,

↓

feel free to just take whatever you want.

free

↓

I don't really want anything.

↓

That was kind of the whole problem.

problem whole

↓

Since there's no Wi-Fi on Mars,

mars

↓

we're gonna send you up there with a VCR

send

↓

and you get to choose one tape.

choose tape

↓

Ah, yes.

↓

Sidney Poitier and Tom Berenger

poitier sidney sidney-poitier

↓

in Shoot to Kill.

kill shoot

↓

A crackling tale of survival in the Pacific Northwest.

crackling pacific survival tale

↓

One man out for the law, one man out for revenge.

revenge

↓

Letterboxed? Please.

↓

I'm a pan-and-scan gal.

scan

↓

Arthur Penn's Target.

arthur target

↓

Starring Matt Dillon and a career-best Gene Hackman.

best career gene matt starring

↓

The game of espionage is played by a strict code.

code game played strict

↓

But that code has been broken.

broken code

↓

Running time, 117 minutes.

minutes running

↓

This has tape two of Titanic in it.

tape titanic

↓

Oh, sorry about that.

↓

Someone must have pulled an Eric.

eric must pulled

↓

Learn to love again with Under the Tuscan Sun,

learn love

↓

featuring Diane Lane and Sandra Oh

featuring lane sandra

↓

at the tippy-top of her game.

game tippy

↓

When life gives divorcee Frances lemons,

gives lemons life

↓

she's off to Italy to make a Tuscan villa lemonade.

italy lemonade villa

↓

Rated PG-13 for sensual kissing and partial nudity.

kissing nudity partial rated sensual

↓

Can't I just bring my laptop up there with me?

bring laptop

↓

No!

↓

Because then, I wouldn't have a job, stupid.

stupid

↓

You know what? Give me the tape back.

tape

↓

You don't get a tape.

tape

↓

Ooh, look at that one.

↓

Well, I know it's small, but this is Provincetown

↓

on a July 4th weekend, Made In.

july weekend

↓

Beggars can't be choosers.

↓

Hey, Stewie, you want to get lunch?

lunch stewie

↓

Give us a few minutes to washcloth our parts, Brian.

brian minutes parts

↓

- We had a long night. - Whatever.

night

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

[gasps] Oh, God! I can't breathe.

breathe gasps

↓

[grunts]

grunts

↓

[panting]

panting

↓

This is fine. This is okay.

↓

As long as the throuple balcony is strong,

balcony strong throuple

↓

the throuple is strong.

strong throuple

↓

Other deviant sex groups get these too.

groups

↓

This is my one-ple balcony.

balcony

↓

You know, you really showed us by signing up for this, Meg.

showed signing

↓

And no matter what happens, just remember.

happens matter remember

↓

You've definitely proved your point.

point proved

↓

You see that?

↓

Yeah. That microphone's totally unguarded.

↓

I'm gonna do my Michelle Obama impression.

impression michelle obama

↓

Ladies and gentlemen,

gentlemen ladies

↓

thank you for joining us today.

joining today

↓

Eh, I'll do it at intermission.

intermission

↓

We have decided who is going to Mars.

decided mars

↓

You are all worthy candidates.

candidates worthy

↓

But just like the box for Thorn EMI Screen Entertainment's

screen thorn

↓

Highlander says,

↓

"There can be only one."

↓

And the winner is...

winner

↓

Seamus!

seamus

↓

[exclaims excitedly]

excitedly exclaims

↓

Well, honey, I'm glad you got this out of your system.

glad honey system

↓

And to think I never pushed back once.

pushed

↓

Good thing you've got a great mom, huh?

↓

Poet laureate Robert Pinsky once said,

poet robert

↓

"When I had no roof, I made audacity my roof."

audacity roof

↓

It is truly an honor.

honor truly

↓

Whoa! Wait a minute.

minute whoa

↓

Are those your arms and legs?

arms legs

↓

Oh, man!

↓

I guess I wasn't really paying attention.

attention paying paying-attention

↓

The winner is Meg!

winner

↓

- [gasps] - She won?

gasps

↓

Mom, I did it. I'm going to Mars.

mars

↓

Barack hasn't satisfied me in years.

barack satisfied years

↓

That's your impression?

impression

↓

It's less a voice and more... It's like an attitude.

attitude less voice

↓

Meg, you can't go to Mars.

mars

↓

You can't talk me out of this, Mom. I'm going.

↓

Well, as your parents, we forbid it. Right, Peter?

forbid parents peter

↓

Lois, kids go to Mars. That's what they do.

kids lois mars

↓

Hey, Meg, congrats on this Mars thing. Great stuff.

congrats mars stuff

↓

Hey, listen, if I give you this bone,

bone

↓

could you maybe bury it for me up there?

bury

↓

That would... Yeah.

↓

That would just be huge for me.

huge

↓

Oh, honey, you've still got your whole life ahead of you.

ahead honey life whole whole-life

↓

I'm a hero now, Mom. I have a purpose.

hero purpose

↓

When that rocket takes off next week,

rocket takes week

↓

I'm gonna be on it.

↓

Well, if Meg can go to Mars,

mars

↓

can I go to the Pornhub Awards?

awards pornhub

↓

Still no, Chris.

chris

↓

I'm going to kill myself!

kill

↓

[sobbing]

sobbing

↓

We're good parents.

parents

↓

Look, we all understood

understood

↓

that there would be some bumps along the way, right?

along bumps

↓

When you're in a three-way relationship,

relationship three

↓

there will inevitably be times

inevitably times

↓

where two sides gravitate towards each other.

sides

↓

Right now, it's Rupert and Made In.

rupert

↓

Eventually, it'll be Stewie and Made In.

eventually itll stewie

↓

And then Rupert, you're gonna feel like

rupert

↓

the lonely left out piece of [bleep] no one wants.

bleep left lonely piece wants

↓

Well, cheers, everyone.

cheers

↓

Oh. Why are you laughing?

laughing

↓

I don't get it.

↓

Oh, it's an inside joke.

joke

↓

Oh. You two have a... an inside joke.

joke

↓

Well, I know a million jokes too.

jokes million

↓

Why did the old man fall in the well?

fall

↓

Because he couldn't see that well.

↓

Ha-ha! Right? Inside joke.

joke

↓

Now, everybody agree? [laughs]

agree everybody laughs

↓

I'm sexually desirable too.

sexually

↓

[all murmuring in admiration]

murmuring

↓

Wow, there she is.

↓

It's the girl who's going to Mars.

girl mars

↓

I saw her in the parking lot, but I could get excited again.

excited parking

↓

Meg, will you please join us in the women's bathroom?

bathroom join womens womens-bathroom

↓

In honor of your sacrifice, we hereby rename this stall

hereby honor sacrifice stall

↓

the Meg Griffin Memorial Handicap Bathroom Stall.

bathroom griffin handicap memorial stall

↓

This is literally what I've asked Santa for my entire life.

asked entire entire-life life santa

↓

Ew! What?

↓

[all cheering]

cheering

↓

I was trapped in by the ribbon.

ribbon trapped

↓

Yeah, it's always something with you guys.

↓

Hey, Brian, I got something for you.

brian

↓

What? I thought you liked that thing.

liked

↓

It turns out we had some irreconcilable differences.

differences turns

↓

See, I'm a Taurus,

↓

and they're a home-wrecking slut.

home slut wrecking

↓

Stewie, I have absolutely zero interest in your $6 toy.

absolutely absolutely-zero interest stewie zero

↓

[squeaks]

squeaks

↓

Hey there, Rupert. Hey, you know what?

rupert

↓

Let's have our lunch by the window.

lunch window

↓

There's something I'd like you to see.

↓

- [growling] - [squeaking]

growling squeaking

↓

You see?

↓

You did this, Rupert. You did.

rupert

↓

You humiliated me, and this is what happens.

happens humiliated

↓

You do not play games with me.

games

↓

[growling]

growling

↓

But, to be clear, I'm still a free spirit.

clear free spirit

↓

Super chill, super open, super down for whatever.

chill open super

↓

Hey, Meg? We're all gonna miss you.

miss

↓

And if you could pour this bag of urine

pour urine

↓

on top of wherever you bury Brian's bone,

bone brians bury

↓

that'd be huge for me.

huge thatd

↓

I'm really gonna miss you too, Meg.

miss

↓

- Really? - Well, yeah.

↓

Worrying about the sound my headboard makes against the wall

makes sound wall worrying

↓

is a big part of it for me.

part

↓

I'll miss that tension.

miss tension

↓

It's part of my scenario.

part scenario

↓

That's really sweet, Chris.

chris sweet

↓

[♪ sentimental music playing]

music music-playing playing sentimental

↓

Wow.

↓

Now, I'm actually feeling kind of sad to leave you guys.

feeling

↓

Yeah. Too bad you can't back out now.

↓

You'd be widely hated, and deservedly so.

hated

↓

[all cheering]

cheering

↓

Tom Tucker, live here from Cape Quahog,

cape live quahog tucker

↓

where local resident Meg Griffin

griffin local resident

↓

is about to become the first person ever to go to Mars.

become mars person

↓

Truly, a historic moment, which we will now celebrate

celebrate historic moment truly

↓

with a small but affordable clip

clip

↓

of Europe's The Final Countdown.

countdown final

↓

[♪ "The Final Countdown" starts playing]

countdown final playing starts

↓

[music stops abruptly]

abruptly music music-stops stops

↓

[crowd cheering]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

[♪ triumphant music playing]

music music-playing playing triumphant triumphant-music triumphant-music-playing

↓

Meg's only companion for the flight

companion flight megs

↓

will be a year's supply of food.

food supply years

↓

And because she's a woman, her pillow from home.

home pillow woman

↓

[crowd cheering]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

[♪ melancholy music playing]

melancholy melancholy-music melancholy-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Oh, my God. She doesn't want to go.

↓

We gotta call off the launch.

launch

↓

Prepare launch sequence.

launch prepare sequence

↓

Wait! Stop!

↓

No.

↓

No? But...

↓

But that's my daughter in there.

daughter

↓

Yeah. We can't just stop

↓

every time a mom bursts in here.

bursts

↓

You think Neil Armstrong's mom

neil

↓

didn't burst in and say, "Wait, stop"?

burst

↓

They always say "Wait, stop!"

↓

Initiate countdown.

countdown

↓

[alarm blaring]

alarm alarm-blaring blaring

↓

And it looks like it's time

↓

for the cryptcoin.com countdown.

countdown

↓

Anyway. Ten, nine...

nine

↓

Oh, man.

↓

I hope I'm making the right decision.

decision hope

↓

What am I talking about? Of course I am.

course

↓

Mom didn't even bother to see me off,

bother

↓

much less say, "Wait, stop!"

less

↓

like Neil Armstrong's mom.

neil

↓

- [thump] - [Lois] Wait! Stop!

lois thump

↓

Mom?

↓

Nobody shoots my baby into space!

baby nobody shoots space

↓

Mom, what are you doing?

↓

This is super dangerous.

dangerous super

↓

Oh, don't worry, Meg.

worry

↓

They'll never shoot off a rocket

rocket shoot

↓

with a woman holding on to the--

holding woman

↓

Oh... [bleep]

bleep

↓

[Tom] And we have liftoff.

↓

[Lois screaming]

lois screaming

↓

Oh, my God! Is that Lois?

lois

↓

Mom's gone. Dad, can I go to the Pornhub Awards?

awards gone moms pornhub

↓

Yeah, sure, Stewie.

stewie

↓

[cheering]

cheering

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

Just hold on.

↓

Channel Tom Cruise at his most mentally ill.

channel cruise mentally

↓

Why are we turning?

turning

↓

[siren blaring]

blaring siren

↓

Mom, we're going down!

↓

Oh, God, oh, God! I can't die like this.

↓

I never finished The Wire.

finished wire

↓

I never started The Wire.

started wire

↓

[rapid beeping]

beeping rapid

↓

[Tom] And here it comes,

comes

↓

the horrifying crash we were all secretly hoping for.

crash hoping horrifying secretly

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

[gasps]

gasps

↓

[all gasp]

gasp

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

She's got the car keys.

keys

↓

I'm sorry you won't get to go to Mars.

mars

↓

Well, I'm just glad we got lucky and the rocket crashed.

crashed glad lucky rocket

↓

[Bensinger on megaphone] Luck had nothing to do with it.

luck megaphone

↓

Hey, we're saved.

saved

↓

It was the mom that caused the crash.

caused crash

↓

You can't suddenly add 145 pounds

pounds suddenly

↓

to a carefully calibrated propulsion system.

carefully system

↓

A hundred forty-five? No!

five forty hundred

↓

I'm only 128.

↓

No, we tested 128. We could handle 128.

handle tested

↓

One twenty-eight and the rocket's in space right now.

eight rockets space twenty

↓

Okay, maybe 130 with shoes on.

shoes

↓

But I'd know if I was 145.

↓

Oh, I wonder who I believe more.

believe wonder

↓

A mom with no job or six nerds from MIT.

nerds

↓

Hmm.

↓

I think I'll go with the nerds.

nerds

↓

[all laughing]

laughing

↓

[chuckles] So funny.

chuckles funny

↓

So good. Okay. Okay.

↓

Anyway, get in this basket.

basket

↓

[♪ sentimental music playing]

music music-playing playing sentimental

↓

See? That's exactly what we were talking about.

↓

One twenty-eight and we're back on dry land.

eight land twenty

↓

[Lois] But maybe it's because I have stuff in my pocket.

lois pocket stuff

↓

It's definitely not the stuff.

stuff

↓

We'll go get the livestock crate.

crate

↓

[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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