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Home » Family Guy » S23E14 — Cool Hand Lois

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 14 — Cool Hand Lois

↓

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry! ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

[indistinct chatter]

chatter indistinct indistinct-chatter

↓

Peter, give me the paddle.

paddle peter

↓

$200!

↓

$500.

↓

- [beep] - That will be $22.48.

beep

↓

Oh, I think I have change.

change

↓

Uh... 40, 45...

↓

Oh my God!

↓

Exactly 48 cents. Can you believe that?

believe cents

↓

Well, today must be my lucky day.

lucky must today

↓

I'm gonna take this as my sign to stay open

open sign

↓

and say yes to everything.

↓

And would you like to round your purchase up

purchase round

↓

for our "kids with cancer" charity?

cancer charity kids

↓

Oh, God, no! No, no.

↓

I don't even like looking at that picture.

looking picture

↓

Sir, my condolences.

condolences

↓

But I wanted to let you know that Peter Mayhew,

peter wanted

↓

who originally played Chewbacca, has passed away.

chewbacca originally passed played

↓

No!

↓

I'm so sorry, sir.

↓

Thank you, butler who I bring on vacations

bring butler vacations

↓

just in case Peter Mayhew dies.

case dies peter

↓

It's been an honor, sir.

honor

↓

I'm not paying him for the full week.

full paying week

↓

Chris, I have your clea...

chris

↓

When did you get a souvenir of the Washington Monument?

monument souvenir washington

↓

Ma! Get out!

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

What's wrong, Mom?

↓

I just walked in on your brother.

brother walked

↓

Oh, my God, it's 9:00 in the morning.

morning

↓

What is wrong with boys? A girl would never do that.

boys girl

↓

I don't know.

↓

Why do you think I slide down the banister to breakfast?

breakfast slide

↓

Come on, Meg. Everyone knows women don't pleasure themselves.

knows pleasure women

↓

You seriously think that?

↓

Well, yeah.

↓

So are you saying when you use the bidet,

bidet

↓

you're facing forward?

facing forward

↓

Of course.

course

↓

And when you ride a bike,

bike ride

↓

you're just going out for exercise?

exercise

↓

Yeah.

↓

Look, all my free time just goes

free

↓

to taking care of other people and then lording it over them.

care

↓

Wow. Maybe that's why you're such a bitch all the time.

bitch

↓

- What's that? - I said, you should totally try it.

↓

Pick the hottest guy you can think of and go to town.

hottest pick town

↓

What's stopping you?

stopping

↓

I don't know.

↓

Maybe it has something to do with those films

films

↓

they used to show us in masturbation ed class.

class masturbation used

↓

[narrator] Samantha was alone

alone narrator samantha

↓

and thought she might begin to know her body.

begin body might

↓

- [screaming] - [narrator] Instead, she got to know

narrator screaming

↓

her grave.

grave

↓

I don't know, Meg.

↓

I'm not sure my subconscious will allow me

allow subconscious

↓

to think about any man other than your father,

father

↓

but thanks anyway.

thanks

↓

- You're a good Daughtry. - I'm not that great.

↓

Oh, Denzel yourself short.

short

↓

I'm just out of my Depp here.

↓

I can learn to live with the Bardem.

learn live

↓

Well, Estrada the laundry.

laundry

↓

I should go finish it.

finish

↓

Anyway, Ryan Gosling.

gosling ryan ryan-gosling

↓

Ah, another day over and done.

another

↓

Kids are asleep.

asleep kids

↓

I put on all my creams that do nothing,

creams

↓

and Peter won't be back for an hour.

hour peter

↓

I have the whole night to myself.

night whole whole-night

↓

I guess I could check in on Mindy Kaling's body journey.

body check journey mindy

↓

Oh, she credits her weight loss to walking.

credits loss walking weight weight-loss

↓

Yeah, you stick with that, Mindy.

mindy stick

↓

The bigger the lie, the more people will believe it.

believe bigger

↓

Ooh. What's this?

↓

John Cena chops wood,

chops john wood

↓

and you won't believe the results.

believe results

↓

[laughs]

laughs

↓

Well, I didn't expect those results at all.

expect results

↓

[Meg's voice] Do it, Mom. It's just you

megs voice

↓

and John Cena's rippling shoulder and neck area.

area john neck shoulder

↓

Now's the time!

nows

↓

Huh. Maybe my subconscious memory of Meg's advice is right.

advice megs memory subconscious

↓

[Meg] No! It's actually me.

↓

I can hear you talking to yourself through the wall.

wall

↓

Oh, just go for it already! I'm not even listening.

listening

↓

I'm gonna pop in my pods and fall asleep to some old Stanley Cups.

asleep cups fall fall-asleep pods stanley

↓

[inhales and exhales]

exhales inhales

↓

She's right. It's now or never.

↓

Hell yeah, Yzerman! Let's go!

↓

Ah, okay.

↓

Focus, Lois.

focus lois

↓

[inhales deeply, sighs]

deeply inhales inhales-deeply sighs

↓

[breathing deeply]

breathing deeply

↓

[giggling]

giggling

↓

Jimmy Connors?

jimmy

↓

Jimmy Connors.

jimmy

↓

All right, well, since your mom is nowhere to be found,

found

↓

I think we should go around the table

table

↓

and say who you think the hottest family member is.

family family-member hottest member

↓

And don't say no one.

↓

You should probably just ask us how school was, Dad.

school

↓

I heard "you" and "Dad."

heard

↓

So thank you, Chris. I also picked myself.

chris picked

↓

Where is Lois anyway? I'm starving.

lois starving

↓

I don't know, but I've been hearing a lot of buzz.

buzz hearing

↓

What have you been hearing?

hearing

↓

A literal buzz. Lot of it.

buzz literal

↓

Mom, what's for dinner?

dinner

↓

Fish fingers!

fingers fish

↓

Yuck!

yuck

↓

Sorry I'm a little late.

late

↓

Let it be noted that everyone else

noted

↓

was able to pleasure themselves in a timely fashion

able fashion pleasure timely

↓

and still show up to dinner promptly.

dinner

↓

Well, everyone is free to do what they want.

free

↓

I choose to take care of myself.

care choose

↓

And if people aren't satisfied with that,

satisfied

↓

then they can take care of themselves, too.

care

↓

That includes cooking dinner.

cooking dinner includes

↓

Look, Mom, nobody is happier for you than I am, really.

happier nobody

↓

This is a mitzvah at the highest level,

highest level

↓

but not if it doesn't put a weird over-salted white pasta

pasta weird white

↓

on the damn table.

table

↓

Chris is right. We can't do everything, Lois.

chris lois

↓

What are we supposed to eat every night?

night supposed

↓

The kids' leftover Halloween candy?

candy halloween kids leftover

↓

Maybe I can do some of this stuff.

stuff

↓

Okay, enough!

↓

You know, I always thought making other people happy

happy

↓

was what made me happy,

happy

↓

but it turns out making me happy is what makes me happy.

happy makes turns

↓

And I plan on doing a lot more of that.

plan

↓

So that's what's up, Doc.

↓

[anchor] Good day. This is BBC's Football This Morning.

anchor football morning

↓

Oh!

↓

As we screen these soft focus snaps of deep bronze footballers,

bronze deep focus screen snaps soft

↓

bear in mind, they all speak the Queen's English.

bear english mind queens speak

↓

Oh, yeah!

↓

[anchor] Here's one eating crisps.

anchor eating

↓

Oh, that means potato chips.

chips potato potato-chips

↓

[anchor] Here's one in his flat.

anchor flat

↓

Mm! Sexier than "apartment."

apartment sexier

↓

[anchor] And here's one with a calendar updating his schedule.

anchor calendar schedule

↓

Ah! Same word pronounced different!

pronounced word

↓

- [cell phone ringing] - Hello?

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Hey, Lois, it's Todd from TJ Maxx.

lois todd

↓

I noticed you haven't been aimlessly wandering the aisles lately.

lately noticed wandering

↓

Oh, hi, Todd.

todd

↓

Yeah, I finally discovered the art of self-pleasure.

discovered finally pleasure self

↓

Sorry you had to find out like that.

↓

No worries. We actually get this call more often than you might think.

might often worries

↓

I'll let HomeGoods know.

↓

I think it's best they hear it from us.

best

↓

- [line rings] - Hi, Todd.

line rings todd

↓

It's Todd.

todd

↓

No, I haven't seen Lois.

lois seen

↓

And that's exactly why I'm calling.

calling

↓

Can I help you find something?

↓

Principal Shepherd, is that you?

principal principal-shepherd shepherd

↓

Ah, you've got me. How deeply humiliating.

deeply humiliating

↓

Oh, no, not at all.

↓

Sex is nothing to be ashamed of.

ashamed

↓

Okay, well, you ruined it.

ruined

↓

Anyway, perhaps I can interest you

interest perhaps

↓

in our new Mission: Impossible line of toys.

impossible line mission toys

↓

There's the Tom Bruise, the Ring Veins,

bruise ring veins

↓

and Simon Pegg is still just Simon Pegg.

simon

↓

I think I'll just browse a bit.

↓

All right, well, a general heads-up.

general heads

↓

I don't have enough wet floor signs to cover the wet floor,

cover floor signs

↓

but just assume everywhere is wet.

assume

↓

[both exclaim]

↓

Bonnie? [chuckles] What are you doing here?

bonnie chuckles

↓

I never expected to see you at this little hole in the wall

expected hole wall

↓

with all the little holes in the wall.

holes wall

↓

Oh, I've been coming for years.

coming years

↓

Really? I thought this place just opened.

opened place

↓

Yes.

↓

I can't believe you also enjoy

believe enjoy

↓

feeling physically and emotionally satisfied.

emotionally feeling physically satisfied

↓

I thought I was the only one.

↓

Well, the media likes to act like a woman's sex drive

drive likes media womans

↓

is not as strong as a man's,

mans strong

↓

and they're definitely right, but it's still kind of strong, probably.

strong

↓

I totally agree.

agree

↓

You know, you look really great, by the way.

↓

Ah! Listen to me. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

I think that was my first genuine compliment to another woman.

another another-woman compliment genuine woman

↓

Yeah. When you realize you don't need a man for pleasure,

pleasure realize

↓

other women no longer feel threatening.

longer threatening women

↓

Oh, jeez, Bonnie, you know, it's so nice.

bonnie jeez

↓

After all these years of constantly comparing ourselves to each other--

constantly years

↓

I haven't been doing that.

↓

Well, it's just so nice to finally find out that we aren't so different.

finally

↓

Yeah.

↓

Hey, you want to go get a glass of wine or something?

glass wine

↓

I'd love that.

love

↓

You know, all this sexual liberation

sexual

↓

has just made me feel so open-minded and giving.

giving minded open open-minded

↓

And would you like to round up your total for Make-A-Wish?

round total wish

↓

Ugh! God, no! No, no, no!

↓

[narrator on TV] From the makers of The Last Temptation of Christ

christ makers narrator temptation

↓

comes The Second to Last Temptation of Christ.

christ comes second temptation

↓

[indistinct whispering]

indistinct whispering

↓

Can I tempt anyone with dessert?

dessert

↓

Ooh, yeah! We'll have the cheesecake.

cheesecake

↓

I see that paleo thing didn't last long.

↓

I'm sorry, Judas,

↓

does the global calendar begin with your birth or mine?

begin birth calendar global

↓

[all] Ooh!

↓

Uh, yeah, we'll have the cheesecake.

cheesecake

↓

I'm glad you're all here.

glad

↓

I have an announcement to make.

announcement

↓

No, not Chubby Checker! Not today!

chubby today

↓

Chubby Checker's fine, Peter. This is about me.

checkers chubby peter

↓

Wow, breaking news!

breaking breaking-news news

↓

Wife somehow makes Chubby Checker's near death about herself.

checkers chubby death makes near wife

↓

Look, I want to thank you all for indulging me this past week.

past week

↓

I've been on a journey with my body and my spirit,

body journey spirit

↓

and you've all given me lots of space

given lots space

↓

to explore new desires, and I appreciate all that.

appreciate desires explore

↓

And one more thing:

↓

I'm dating Bonnie now.

bonnie dating

↓

Hello!

↓

[all gasping]

gasping

↓

- [straining] - [screaming]

screaming straining

↓

[all cheering]

cheering

↓

[groaning]

groaning

↓

- You heard? - Yeah, I heard.

heard

↓

[cell phones vibrating]

cell cell-phones phones vibrating

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

Okay. What is it? What's so funny?

funny

↓

Just something from Donna. She's hilarious.

donna hilarious

↓

I don't know much about the model or make,

model

↓

but I do understand the societal theories about Subarus

theories

↓

and the women who enjoy them.

enjoy women

↓

Okay, fellas. I see what this is about.

fellas

↓

Which one of you sly little rascals is buying a new car?

buying rascals

↓

No, Joe, this is about the fact that your wife is dating my wife,

dating fact wife

↓

and it's all your fault.

fault

↓

If you had just pleased your wife, none of this would be happening.

pleased wife

↓

Oh, okay, Peter.

peter

↓

And by that logic, I suppose it's also her trainer's fault.

fault logic suppose trainers

↓

And Sensei Ryan's fault.

fault ryans sensei

↓

Times have changed.

changed times

↓

Nowadays, you have to let your wives be unfaithful

nowadays wives

↓

if it's presented through the lens of "living their truth."

lens living presented truth

↓

This is humiliating. Being a cuckold sucks.

humiliating sucks

↓

It's not so bad, Peter.

peter

↓

The trick is to get really into World War I Reddit.

trick world

↓

Or as we in the community call it,

community

↓

the Great War.

↓

Because at that time, no one knew there would be a second one, see?

second

↓

Look, Peter, I know this must be strange,

must peter strange

↓

but the best thing that you and Joe can both do

best

↓

is accept this budding and probably quite playful relationship

accept playful relationship

↓

between your mutually wet-mouthed wives.

mouthed mutually wives

↓

Oh, God, it's happening again! [straining]

straining

↓

[all cheering]

cheering

↓

Peter, what the hell?

peter

↓

I got upset when I saw the suitcase.

suitcase upset

↓

I also killed a bird and left it in the bathtub.

bathtub bird killed left

↓

It's just one weekend.

weekend

↓

Bonnie and I are going on the trip to Munchruggit

bonnie trip

↓

that you didn't want to go on.

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I never heard nothing about a trip.

heard trip whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Yes, you did. But I'll tell you again.

↓

It's that quaint little bed and breakfast

breakfast quaint

↓

[voice fading] off of Route 4...

fading route voice

↓

[Peter] She's right. Because this is exactly

peter

↓

where I stopped listening last time

listening stopped

↓

and started thinking about Wolverine.

started thinking

↓

Okay, you win. Wolverine is the coolest X-Man.

coolest

↓

Peter, I am going on this vacation.

peter vacation

↓

Unless you are trying to tell your wife she can't live her truth.

live truth wife

↓

[Cleveland's voice] Remember, Peter,

peter remember voice

↓

you have to let your wife be unfaithful

wife

↓

if it's presented through the lens of "living her truth."

lens living presented truth

↓

Wow. My memory of what Cleveland said is right.

cleveland memory

↓

[Cleveland] No, it's really me.

cleveland

↓

Meg pays for the NHL package,

package pays

↓

so I come over here to watch and drink full-sugar cola.

cola drink full sugar watch

↓

Don't tell Donna about the full-sugar cola, though.

cola donna full sugar

↓

That's not her truth.

truth

↓

What a mess.

mess

↓

You can just tell these eggs weren't scrambled by a woman

eggs scrambled woman

↓

doing a thousand-yard stare out the kitchen window.

kitchen stare thousand window yard

↓

Agreed, a bit low on malaise.

agreed

↓

This is ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

Peter, are you seriously just gonna let your wife run off with someone else?

peter wife

↓

What choice do I have?

choice

↓

Listen, I know our fans on TikTok aren't gonna like this,

fans tiktok

↓

but cheating with a woman is still cheating.

cheating woman

↓

In fact, it's sexist to think that it isn't.

fact sexist

↓

Sorry, I said it.

↓

Oh, no! Brian's getting canceled.

brians canceled

↓

Wait, I take it back. The future is female.

female future

↓

One podcast is totally enough

podcast

↓

to call yourself a comedian in your Twitter profile.

comedian profile twitter

↓

Look, Dad. What Brian can't say, but I can,

brian

↓

is that you can still fight for your marriage.

fight marriage

↓

You're allowed to tell your wife that you care about her.

allowed care wife

↓

You're right.

↓

I'm calling Joe, and we are getting our wives back.

calling wives

↓

[dialing]

dialing

↓

[automated voice] We're sorry.

automated automated-voice voice

↓

The Cricket Wireless subscriber you are trying to reach is unavailable.

cricket reach wireless

↓

Try yelling their name out the window.

name window yelling

↓

Joe!

↓

Hey there, Peter.

peter

↓

What's with the Cricket Wireless?

cricket wireless

↓

Well, they had a DJ in the parking lot,

parking

↓

so let's just say I uptown funked my way into a great family plan.

family plan uptown

↓

Listen, I think we need to go find Bonnie and Lois

bonnie lois

↓

before it's too late.

late

↓

Yeah, I think so, too.

↓

I can't take much more of Cleveland and Donna's suspicious looks.

cleveland suspicious

↓

You said Bonnie and Lois were at church today,

bonnie church lois today

↓

but we were at church, and they weren't there.

church

↓

That's because they were at Super Church.

church super

↓

Long as they aren't taking a secret lesbian holiday.

holiday lesbian secret

↓

Mm-hmm. Long as that.

↓

Wow. This hotel is great.

hotel

↓

I've never seen so many women printing out Tori Amos tickets

printing seen tickets women

↓

in a business center.

business center

↓

Look, they even have an open mic night

night open

↓

for whichever one of you two is the funny one.

funny whichever

↓

- That's me. - Oh.

↓

I guess that makes me the one that obsesses over fake illnesses.

fake illnesses makes

↓

Anyway, I gotta sit down.

↓

My knee is doing that milky thing again.

knee milky

↓

Yeah, sure it is.

↓

Anyway, I'm just glad we finally made it.

finally glad

↓

Now that we're here, do you want to have sex

↓

or complain about the room?

complain room

↓

What? Complain about this room?

complain room

↓

What's there even to complain about?

complain

↓

We have a nice queen-size bed, which honestly should be a king.

king queen size

↓

But look at the view.

view

↓

I mean, do I think their nicest room should be facing north?

facing nicest north room

↓

No, but there's a closet.

closet

↓

Well. [chuckles]

chuckles

↓

It's a space with six hangers, so I'm guessing that's what it is.

guessing space

↓

Although, not seeing any hangers with clips.

clips seeing

↓

So I guess they think nobody wears skirts or pants.

nobody pants wears

↓

You know what? I'm calling the front desk.

calling desk front

↓

How long before we get to Munchruggit?

↓

GPS says it takes two hours.

hours takes

↓

- [cell phone chimes] - [gasps]

cell cell-phone cell-phone-chimes chimes gasps phone phone-chimes

↓

Oh, my God, Joe, you just got an OpenTable notification.

notification

↓

It looks like Bonnie and Lois are going out to a romantic dinner.

bonnie dinner lois romantic

↓

- Step on it. - It's a Kia Sorento.

step

↓

This is as fast as it goes.

fast

↓

You got to get rid of this thing.

↓

Yep, 91 more payments and I'm free.

free payments

↓

I need to stop signing contracts from DJs in parking lots.

contracts lots parking signing

↓

Well, I think we should start with whichever dish

dish start whichever

↓

won't cause your speculative GI issues to flare up,

flare issues

↓

since we're gonna be intimate later.

intimate

↓

Or we could just lean into it.

lean

↓

Wha... What? No!

↓

Wait. What do you mean?

↓

Ladies, what can I get you?

ladies

↓

Hi. My friend has dietary restrictions,

friend restrictions

↓

so we have five minutes of questions

five five-minutes minutes questions

↓

before we ultimately order something not on the menu.

menu order ultimately

↓

Do you have any chicken that's a fish?

chicken fish

↓

[sighs] I'm gonna go check with the kitchen,

check kitchen sighs

↓

and I'm definitely not gonna just quit on the spot.

quit spot

↓

Hi. We're two husbands trying to get our wives

husbands wives

↓

to stop running away with each other.

running

↓

Oh, well, there's a wait right now,

↓

but if you'd like to stand with the other husbands,

husbands stand

↓

we'll get you when your table's ready.

ready tables

↓

Hi there. We were just discussing World War I.

discussing world

↓

Don't you mean "The Great War"?

↓

All right, get in here, you.

↓

You're gonna do just fine here.

↓

[indistinct chatter]

chatter indistinct indistinct-chatter

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

There they are, Joe.

↓

Look at them in there, enjoying themselves.

enjoying

↓

Used to be sexually unsatisfied women

sexually used women

↓

who would just funnel all their anger into putting seashells all over the house.

anger funnel house putting

↓

They do look really happy.

happy

↓

Yeah. Lois hasn't looked that happy with me in years.

happy lois looked years

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

[sighs] What if Cleveland was right?

cleveland sighs

↓

We can't stop our wives from being happy.

happy wives

↓

I love Lois,

lois love

↓

and she deserves to be with someone she loves, too.

deserves loves

↓

Even if it isn't me.

↓

I guess we just ought to go home, then.

home ought

↓

I guess so.

↓

Why don't we try to pee-pee before we leave,

↓

and then we'll get out of here.

↓

I don't have to pee-pee.

↓

Why don't we try to pee-pee?

↓

[groans]

groans

↓

Are you ready?

ready

↓

I feel like my stomach is being ripped to shreds by tikka masala.

ripped stomach

↓

But sure, let's roll the dice.

dice roll

↓

Wow. I can't believe I didn't stop Lois

believe lois

↓

from doing the thing I've spent 20 years begging her to do.

begging spent years

↓

Look, I didn't want to bring this up,

bring

↓

but I did do an Internet search,

internet search

↓

and it said that in this scenario,

scenario

↓

the only right response

response

↓

is for the husbands to give the wives a taste of their own medicine.

husbands medicine taste wives

↓

And this was a pornographic--

pornographic

↓

This was a very convincing pornographic video, yes.

convincing pornographic video

↓

Well, now we have a problem and a secret.

problem secret

↓

Ah, I'm so happy to be back home,

happy home

↓

and I brought everyone lots of seashells.

brought lots

↓

That's gonna be my new thing.

↓

Putting seashells everywhere you can imagine.

imagine putting

↓

So, how was it, being with Bonnie?

bonnie

↓

Well...

↓

You know how Wendy's fish filet looks really good in the commercial,

commercial filet fish wendys

↓

and then you go to Wendy's and you open up the bread,

bread open wendys

↓

and you can't really tell what the different parts of the sandwich are,

parts sandwich

↓

and then you don't even want it anymore?

anymore

↓

What are you saying, Lois?

lois

↓

You didn't actually cheat on me?

cheat

↓

Of course not, Peter.

course peter

↓

And to think you almost had a hall pass to sleep with one of your friends.

friends hall pass sleep

↓

[laughs] Imagine that!

imagine laughs

↓

[all laughing]

laughing

↓

[Peter laughs awkwardly]

awkwardly laughs peter

↓

Oh, man, that is... that is... Yeah, that is... That is hilarious.

hilarious

↓

[doorbell rings]

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

The trip is off.

trip

↓

And did you ever find my Minion sock?

sock

↓

I told you to call the hotel, Peter.

hotel peter

↓

I can't. I forgot which fake name I used.

fake fake-name forgot name used

↓

Hey, Todd.

todd

↓

Did Wade Boggs check out? He forgot his Minion sock.

boggs check forgot sock wade wade-boggs

↓

[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing