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Home » Family Guy » S23E13 — The Fat Lotus

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 13 — The Fat Lotus

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[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

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Welcome to the White Lotus Bermuda!

bermuda welcome white

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Wow, look at this room!

room

↓

And what a beautiful painting!

painting

↓

Ah, yes. By a talented local artist.

artist local talented

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It depicts the legend of a fat husband

husband legend

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who ignored his wife,

ignored wife

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so she beheaded him

↓

and had sex with his best friend,

best best-friend friend

↓

who was a regional airline pilot.

airline pilot regional

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Man, I just don't get art.

↓

Look at us, Peter, huh?

peter

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Finally on a romantic vacation together!

finally romantic vacation

↓

[gasps] Ooh, you know what? Let's have crazy vacation sex,

crazy gasps vacation

↓

right here, right now!

↓

Eh, I dunno, maybe later.

dunno

↓

I mean, you know my kryptonite is drapes that can open by a button.

button drapes open

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Pick your poison, Lois.

lois pick poison

↓

Just the sheers? Full blackout? Or--

blackout full

↓

Uh, I think I broke it.

broke

↓

[sighs] Forget it. I'll be at the pool.

forget pool sighs

↓

Okay, I'll meet you down there.

meet

↓

I need 20 minutes for those red lines from my socks to smooth out.

lines minutes smooth socks

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[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

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[slurping]

slurping

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Oh, Brian, I'm so glad you're here.

brian glad

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I never do this,

↓

but one of the bellhops yelled at me

yelled

↓

when I was playing on the baggage cart

baggage cart playing

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and I want him fired.

fired

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Stewie, he has three children.

children stewie three

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Yeah, again, I never do this...

↓

Why are you dressed like that?

dressed

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Oh, when I go on vacation, I like to spice things up

spice vacation

↓

by adopting a travel persona named "Desmond Voyage."

desmond named travel voyage

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Oh, and one other teensy thing,

teensy

↓

I actually specifically requested an ocean-view room.

ocean requested room specifically view

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You have an ocean-view room.

ocean room view

↓

Eh, technically, I'm looking out onto a bay.

looking technically

↓

It's water.

water

↓

Yeah, a bay is actually a curvature in the shoreline

↓

that creates an inlet.

creates

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I don't want to have to look at any land.

land

↓

[sighs]

sighs

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Oh, hey, there.

↓

We's just gonna scooch in next to you,

↓

but sorry if we get loud.

loud

↓

We's just settlin' an argument

argument

↓

about what the deal is with Hilaria Baldwin.

deal

↓

I'll tell you her deal.

deal

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She's a woman from Boston named Hillary Hayward-Thomas,

boston named thomas woman

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who, on her first date with Alec Baldwin,

date

↓

probably said "por favor" to a waiter to seem exotic,

exotic favor waiter

↓

and has been cosplaying as a Latina ever since.

latina

↓

Mmm, I like you.

↓

What's your name? Unless you don't wanna say

name

↓

'cause it's boring and ordinary.

boring ordinary

↓

Desmond Voyage.

desmond voyage

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[all] Ooooh!

ooooh

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Desmond, would you join me, Jeffrey, and Dennis for dinner tonight?

dennis desmond dinner dinner-tonight jeffrey join tonight

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Well, that depends on the menu, because I'm gluten-free.

depends free gluten menu

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Not medically. Just for the drama.

drama medically

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[all] Ooooh!

ooooh

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[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

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C'mon, Chris. The drinking age in Bermuda is only 18,

bermuda chris drinking

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so I wanna buy some rum to pound

pound

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so I can get totally blitzed!

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It honestly makes me sad

makes

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you feel the need to show off to your own brother.

brother

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Oh, my God. I must have this!

must

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What? Some lame touristy T-shirt?

lame shirt touristy

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That'll be $90.

thatll

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$90?

↓

- How much for just the shirt? - $40.

shirt

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How much for... nothing?

↓

That's $5.

↓

[announcer] Hotels! What are you gonna do, take a cab to a pharmacy?

announcer hotels pharmacy

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[♪ upbeat music playing]

music music-playing playing upbeat upbeat-music upbeat-music-playing

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Oh, my God, I can't wait to see St. David's Lighthouse!

lighthouse

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I know!

↓

What're we gonna do at a stupid lighthouse?

lighthouse stupid whatre

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Wake me when it's a roadhouse.

wake

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[tires screeching]

screeching tires tires-screeching

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Peter, you're driving!

driving peter

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- [tires screeching] - Sorry.

screeching tires tires-screeching

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Holy crap! Did you guys see that?

holy

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"World's Best Cheesecake"!

best cheesecake worlds worlds-best

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[tires screeching]

screeching tires tires-screeching

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In Bermuda? Peter, there's no way that's true.

bermuda peter

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Yeah, I don't know, Lois. Who am I gonna listen to?

lois

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My wife or a sign on the side of the highway?

highway side sign wife

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Dammit, Peter, I will not let you ruin another trip for me!

another dammit peter ruin trip

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Come on, Glenn, let's go see that lighthouse!

glenn lighthouse

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Fine. Go.

↓

Taxi!

taxi

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[♪ ominous music playing]

music music-playing ominous ominous-music ominous-music-playing playing

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- Good afternoon, sir. May I interest you-- - Sorry, I'm from the United States,

afternoon interest states united united-states

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so I'm scared to talk to anyone from the island

island scared

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who doesn't work at the resort.

resort

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[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

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[telephone ringing]

ringing telephone

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Front desk, this is Brian.

brian desk front

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Yes, I'd like to request a wake-up call for tomorrow

request tomorrow wake

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even though every human on Earth

earth human

↓

now has an alarm clock in their pocket.

alarm alarm-clock clock pocket

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Oh, hey, Stewie. Sorry again about the mix-up with your room,

room stewie

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but I hope you're enjoying the apology fruit platter I sent up.

apology enjoying fruit hope platter sent

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Meh, it's mostly honeydew.

mostly

↓

And not a berry to be found on the whole plate.

berry found plate whole

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What do you mean? There's strawberries.

↓

Mmm, not technically a berry.

berry technically

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It's actually an aggregate accessory fruit.

fruit

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It's got the word "berry" in the name!

berry name word

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Doesn't make it a berry. It's also got the word "straw,"

berry straw word

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but I'm not sipping my drink through it.

drink sipping

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So now I'm sitting here, staring at a bay

sitting staring

↓

with a plate of aggregate accessory fruit

fruit plate

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and wondering how you plan to make this up to me!

plan wondering

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Oh, hey, Peter. How's the trip going?

peter trip

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Awesome, Brian. Not only did I manage to find the world's best cheesecake,

awesome best brian cheesecake manage worlds worlds-best

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I even brought back an extra piece.

brought extra piece

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Hey, I saw Lois and Quagmire

lois quagmire

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have been posting a ton of stuff on Instagram.

instagram posting stuff

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Seems like they had quite a day.

seems

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Does this bother you at all?

bother

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No way. I'm doing vacation exactly right.

vacation

↓

Some idiot's takin' my wife to all the boring places I don't wanna go.

boring idiots places takin wife

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Meanwhile, I'm at the hotel just eatin' cheesecake and ordering more towels.

cheesecake eatin hotel meanwhile ordering towels

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Hey, can I get more towels to room 412?

room towels

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- [♪ tribal music playing] - [waves crashing]

crashing music music-playing music-playing-waves playing playing-waves playing-waves-crashing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing waves waves-crashing

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Hmm, I think I'll get the salmon.

salmon

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The salmon, huh?

salmon

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I think that's a great idea!

idea

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[laughs] Oh, my God, what is that?

laughs

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It's a Christmas ornament I got at the lighthouse gift shop.

christmas gift gift-shop lighthouse shop

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Ooh, I just love small things

love

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that remind me of big things I've seen!

remind seen

↓

[slurping] Settle down.

settle slurping

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Another Oreo cookie milkshake with vodka in it!

another cookie milkshake vodka

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You know, I'm feeling a little hot in these pants.

feeling pants

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I may just go upstairs real quick

quick real real-quick upstairs

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to change into a sarong.

change

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Huh. I feel like I'd also like to slip into my sarong.

slip

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Sarong run?

↓

You okay with them spending so much time together?

spending

↓

Yeah, no one in the history of the world

history world

↓

has ever gone on a sarong run.

gone

↓

Relax, it's fine.

relax

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And no amount of ominous waves crashing onto a rocky shore

amount crashing ominous rocky shore waves waves-crashing

↓

are gonna change my mind.

change mind

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- [♪ ominous music playing] - [waves crashing]

crashing music music-playing music-playing-waves ominous ominous-music ominous-music-playing playing playing-waves playing-waves-crashing waves waves-crashing

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Now, Rupert, we mustn't let our new friends

friends rupert

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see that we are anything but adults,

adults

↓

just like they are.

↓

So, Desmond, what did you do today?

desmond today

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Oh, I spent most of the day in the business center,

business center spent

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- as adults do. - Really?

adults

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Yes, they're running an Epson ET-5180 in there.

running

↓

Not my preferred choice, but, you know...

choice preferred

↓

thing jammed and I didn't even cry. No tantrum.

jammed tantrum

↓

Just kept on doing my business.

business

↓

You guys, let's totally do credit card roulette

card credit credit-card

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to see who pays for dinner.

dinner pays

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- Right? Yeah. - I love it.

love

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Oh, indeed, he-- here's-- here's mine.

indeed

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This is a Peppa Pig bookmark.

↓

No! No, they let you customize the credit card.

card credit credit-card

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I almost went with the Montreal Expos.

↓

They're not a team anymore.

anymore team

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Yeah, I'm a big nostalgia guy.

↓

Ah, there you are, Stew--

stew

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I mean, um... Mr. Voyage.

voyage

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With apologies for the earlier fruit plate,

apologies fruit plate

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please accept this complimentary seafood tower.

accept complimentary seafood tower

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Great. Now, could you bring us another one

another bring

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that you haven't talked all over?

talked

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And I'd say this is less a seafood tower

less seafood tower

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than it is a seafood duplex.

seafood

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

Perhaps you'd prefer a complimentary bottle of our finest Riesling?

bottle complimentary finest perhaps prefer

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- Oh, that's sweet. - It's the least we could do.

least sweet

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No, I'm talking about the Riesling.

↓

I didn't realize this was a bachelorette party in Nashville.

bachelorette party realize

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Just bring back another seafood tower

another bring seafood tower

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and the score of the Expos game.

game score

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That was amazing.

amazing

↓

Desmond, you absolutely have to join us on our yacht tomorrow.

absolutely desmond join tomorrow yacht

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"Yacht"? I say, that sounds lovely!

lovely sounds yacht

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Yay! We's gonna sail to and then hike up

hike sail

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a volcano called The Purple Head.

called head purple volcano

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That's right. We's gonna start at the base

base start

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and then work our way to the tip.

↓

You've got to be careful, though,

careful

↓

because The Purple Head's been known to erupt

erupt heads known purple

↓

when you least expect it.

expect least

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I even heard it's created the world's biggest ash-hole.

biggest created heard hole worlds

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I'm gonna join this table.

join table

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Peter, it seems like it's been a while

peter seems

↓

since Quagmire and Lois went upstairs.

lois quagmire upstairs

↓

Yeah, fine, I'll go check on 'em.

check

↓

- [♪ ominous music playing] - [waves crashing]

crashing music music-playing music-playing-waves ominous ominous-music ominous-music-playing playing playing-waves playing-waves-crashing waves waves-crashing

↓

[gasps] Oh, my God!

gasps

↓

And I gotta clean it all up!

clean

↓

Yes, this is room 412.

room

↓

Can I have some more towels, please?

towels

↓

[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

↓

Meg, look! It's that shirt!

shirt

↓

Oh, God, I want it so bad!

↓

Y'know, there is one way for me to get that rum

yknow

↓

and for you to get that T-shirt.

shirt

↓

We could always shoplift 'em.

↓

Shoplift? Who do I look like,

↓

celebrity film critic Rex Reed?

celebrity critic film reed

↓

Convicted killer Robert Durst?

convicted killer robert

↓

Journeyman quarterback Jameis Winston?

quarterback winston

↓

Okay, I'm not exactly sure what this is, but...

↓

yeah.

↓

[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

↓

- Hm, okay, I'm not sure how we-- - Relax, I got this.

relax

↓

Go into a changing room, put the rum in your backpack.

backpack changing room

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Meanwhile, I'll go in another changing room,

another changing meanwhile room

↓

put the shirt on, then casually walk out like I came in wearing it.

casually shirt walk wearing

↓

Okay. Got it.

↓

What are you doing?

↓

- Run! Run! I messed up! - [screams]

messed screams

↓

Desmond! You made it!

desmond

↓

Yes, I'm sorry I'm late!

late

↓

I was in the business center helping Mr. Takahashi

business center helping

↓

log into his United account.

account united

↓

Do you know he's 75?

↓

I have no idea who you're talking about.

idea

↓

All right, now could someone please help me onto the boat like a woman?

boat woman

↓

Yes, there you are, just guide me by my wrist and elbow.

elbow guide wrist

↓

So, heading up the volcano again?

heading volcano

↓

Yep. And just like every year, when we reach the top,

reach

↓

we're all going to make a sacrifice.

sacrifice

↓

[gasps] "Sacrifice"?

gasps sacrifice

↓

Well, no wonder they've been so nice to me, Rupert.

rupert wonder

↓

They're going to make a sacrifice to the volcano.

sacrifice volcano

↓

And I'm the only virgin on this boat!

boat virgin

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No, no, no, I don't care if you've found Jesus.

care found jesus

↓

What happened before still counts.

counts happened

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[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

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Caught shoplifting booze and a T-shirt?

booze caught shirt

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What were you guys thinking?

thinking

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I'm sorry, Brian.

brian

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I was just trying to keep up with Neil Goldman.

neil

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Oh, yeah, that Señor Frog's Cancun shirt?

cancun frogs shirt

↓

Oh, yeah, no, that thing's badass.

badass

↓

But, Meg, it says here you not only stole rum,

stole

↓

but also two tiny novelty license plates that say "Mel" and "Greg"?

greg license plates tiny

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I was gonna cut 'em in half and solder 'em together to spell "Meg."

half spell

↓

There's no way people are still naming their kids "Mel."

kids naming

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Like, name one "Mel" under 50.

name

↓

I think we're getting off track.

track

↓

I'm just saying, you can stop printing the "Mel"s.

printing

↓

- We don't print them. - Okay,

print

↓

then you can stop ordering the "Mel"s.

ordering

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[♪ melancholy music playing]

melancholy melancholy-music melancholy-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Hey, Lois... open wide.

lois open wide

↓

Glenn, I want you to take my cherry.

cherry glenn

↓

Yeah, I'll take your cherry.

cherry

↓

You want my crust?

crust

↓

Eww... no.

↓

No, I mean, I like crust,

crust

↓

but don't-- ugh, don't say it like that.

↓

[crying]

crying

↓

- [♪ tribal music playing] - [waves crashing]

crashing music music-playing music-playing-waves playing playing-waves playing-waves-crashing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing waves waves-crashing

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[telephone ringing]

ringing telephone

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This is Brian.

brian

↓

[executive] Brian, this is a resort executive

brian executive resort

↓

in a heavily-embroidered open-collar shirt.

collar heavily open shirt

↓

We've gotten several complaints from a very important guest,

complaints gotten guest several

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Desmond Voyage,

desmond voyage

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including the fact that, "The in-room movie selections

fact including movie room selections

↓

don't include Michael Clayton,

include michael

↓

despite there clearly being a still image of it on the home screen."

despite home image screen

↓

Frickin' Stewie...

frickin stewie

↓

He says, for him, "Falling asleep to George Clooney

asleep falling george

↓

shouting about toxic agrochemicals

shouting toxic

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scratches a very specific itch."

itch scratches specific

↓

Yep, I'll handle it. Thanks.

handle thanks

↓

[sighs]

sighs

↓

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

music music-playing playing suspenseful suspenseful-music suspenseful-music-playing

↓

Ah, I've missed you, Captain.

captain missed

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And I've missed you, Brett.

brett missed

↓

It's-- it's Brian.

brian

↓

Oh, sorry, I-- I guess I'm always super-wasted when we hang out.

hang super wasted

↓

[♪ mysterious tribal music playing]

music music-playing mysterious playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

↓

Hey, so, this seems far enough, right?

seems

↓

Like, I bet if we turn around now,

↓

we can still get back in time to make fun of the cabana waitress

fun waitress

↓

with the lopsided boob job, heh?

boob

↓

Dammit, Rupert, we're running out of time--

dammit running rupert

↓

[gasps] I've got a signal! I've got to call Brian!

brian gasps signal

↓

[phone ringing]

phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

- Hello. - Brian, help!

brian

↓

I'm hiking to the top of a volcano

volcano

↓

where I'm going to be thrown to my death as a sacrifice!

death sacrifice thrown

↓

Screw you, Stewie.

screw stewie

↓

You've turned my job into a total nightmare.

nightmare total turned

↓

Hey, you-- you think a novel set inside a mushroom would be a good idea?

idea mushroom novel

↓

Except-- except you wouldn't know it's a mushroom

except mushroom

↓

until the very last page.

page

↓

I'd call it...

↓

"Mushroom Surprise."

mushroom surprise

↓

Well, that kind of gives it away.

gives

↓

No, no, 'cause in the story,

story

↓

that-- that's the guy's favorite soup,

favorite soup

↓

so, like, that's what you'd think it means.

↓

Honestly, I don't get the whole soup angle.

angle soup whole

↓

It seems needlessly confusing.

confusing seems

↓

You don't know!

↓

You always think you're better than me.

↓

Well, you're not.

↓

In fact, I've met a ton of celebrities at this job.

celebrities fact

↓

- Name one. - Um... Brad?

brad name

↓

Brad somebody? He was in, um...

brad somebody

↓

Go to hell, Stewie! I'm not helping you!

helping stewie

↓

Brian, please! Don't hang up!

brian hang

↓

Oh, Rupert, I'm so scared!

rupert scared

↓

- This may finally be the end for me-- - [phone ringing]

finally phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

- [beep] - Hello? Brian?

beep brian

↓

I remembered which Brad it was.

brad remembered

↓

It was Toby Huss.

toby

↓

[♪ ominous music playing]

music music-playing ominous ominous-music ominous-music-playing playing

↓

- [♪ tribal music playing] - [waves crashing]

crashing music music-playing music-playing-waves playing playing-waves playing-waves-crashing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing waves waves-crashing

↓

So... is there somethin' you wanna tell me?

somethin

↓

Oh, nothing, just swam with a dolphin this morning, no biggie.

biggie dolphin morning swam

↓

- Not you! - It actually was me. Check Facebook.

check facebook

↓

Peter, uh, Lois and I don't know what you're talking about.

lois peter

↓

I know you've been eatin' cheesecake with my wife behind my back!

behind cheesecake eatin wife

↓

You left a used napkin in the couch!

couch left napkin used

↓

Okay fine, Peter, it just-- it looked too good!

looked peter

↓

Quagmire and I each had one bite, but that's it!

bite quagmire

↓

[Quagmire] It's true! After that, we both felt so guilty,

guilty quagmire

↓

we threw the rest of it off the balcony and into the ocean.

balcony ocean rest threw

↓

Wow, this is, like, the world's best cheesecake!

best cheesecake worlds worlds-best

↓

Yeah. I saw the sign.

sign

↓

I'm sorry we lied to you, Peter.

lied peter

↓

But, look, I think there's a part of me that was angry

angry part

↓

you seemed to care more about a dumb piece of cheesecake

care cheesecake dumb piece seemed

↓

than being on a romantic vacation with your wife.

romantic vacation wife

↓

[sighs] It's my fault, too, Lois.

fault lois sighs

↓

I'm sorry I've been kinda neglecting you this trip.

kinda trip

↓

Hey, I know.

↓

How 'bout we flush the whole afternoon down the tubes

afternoon bout flush tubes whole

↓

by wandering through a buncha boring overpriced boutiques?

boring overpriced wandering

↓

Oh, that's all any woman wants!

wants woman

↓

I love you, Peter.

love peter

↓

[♪ eerie music playing]

eerie eerie-music eerie-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Okay, Desmond, the moment has arrived.

arrived desmond moment

↓

Time to step up to the lip of the volcano.

step volcano

↓

This is it, Rupert.

rupert

↓

If Lizzo ever writes back,

writes

↓

I want you to have the letter!

letter

↓

Put it in a frame I would like.

frame

↓

Talk to Curt at Aaron Brothers. He's fantastic!

aaron brothers fantastic

↓

[♪ ominous music playing]

music music-playing ominous ominous-music ominous-music-playing playing

↓

[camera shutter clicks]

camera camera-shutter camera-shutter-clicks clicks shutter shutter-clicks

↓

- Yay! We did it! - Did what?

↓

I-- I thought Dennis said you were all going to make a sacrifice.

dennis sacrifice

↓

That's right.

↓

The sacrifice is that we's postin' a pic

sacrifice

↓

with no filter and no Photoshop.

filter

↓

- And... posted! - [phone chimes]

chimes phone phone-chimes posted

↓

- [phone chimes] - Ooh,

chimes phone phone-chimes

↓

first comment!

comment

↓

"So brave to post such a terrible photo of yourselves."

brave photo post yourselves

↓

Aaa! Aaa! Delete! Delete! Delete!

delete

↓

- [♪ tribal music playing] - [waves crashing]

crashing music music-playing music-playing-waves playing playing-waves playing-waves-crashing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing waves waves-crashing

↓

Fine, Stewie,

stewie

↓

maybe we don't have Michael Clayton.

michael

↓

But we got that Matt Damon fracking movie.

damon matt movie

↓

Basically the same thing.

↓

What's that-- what's it called? I wanna--

called

↓

I wanna say Frack Damon.

damon

↓

And-- and, oh, not enough berries on your plate?

berries plate

↓

I-- I got some berries for you,

berries

↓

of the dingle variety...

variety

↓

[♪ exhilarating instrumental music playing]

exhilarating instrumental instrumental-music instrumental-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

Housekeeping.

housekeeping

↓

No, no, no.

↓

[♪ tribal music playing]

music music-playing playing tribal tribal-music tribal-music-playing

↓

You know, posting that photo wasn't the only sacrifice we made today.

photo posting sacrifice today

↓

- Really? - Yep.

↓

You won't find a single carb on this boat.

boat carb single

↓

Um... flatbread is a carb.

carb

↓

Oh, my God, he's right!

↓

Why did we think that? Just 'cause it's flat?

flat

↓

I musta had two boxes!

boxes

↓

[gasps] My hat that no one likes!

gasps likes

↓

[screams]

screams

↓

Oh, no!

↓

I know!

↓

[♪ melancholy music playing]

melancholy melancholy-music melancholy-music-playing music music-playing playing

↓

So sad.

↓

The lifeguard said the sharks were lured to the resort

lifeguard lured resort sharks

↓

because someone threw cheesecake in the water.

cheesecake threw water

↓

Oh, um, is that right?

↓

I don't know if I's ever gonna recover.

recover

↓

I could come back with you.

↓

Oh, let the healing begin!

begin healing

↓

Oh, hey. Where have you been?

↓

At the duty-free shop,

duty free shop

↓

buying six cartons of cigarettes,

buying cigarettes

↓

a jug of Dior perfume, and a tin of wafer cookies.

cookies perfume wafer

↓

Oh. Did you get a good deal?

deal

↓

I have no idea.

idea

↓

And what about you? You're coming home with us?

coming coming-home home

↓

Yeah. I actually got fired

fired

↓

for dragging my ass on every inch of a guest's hotel room.

dragging guests hotel hotel-room inch room

↓

[laughs] Aw, epic! Even their pillow?

epic laughs pillow

↓

- Yep. - Nice!

↓

Maybe next year we'll go to the White Lotus in Thailand.

white

↓

Eh, I hear it's not as good.

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