Home » Family Guy » S23E12 — One Foot in Front of the Mother

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 12 — One Foot in Front of the Mother

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

#1

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♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

#2

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

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♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

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♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

#6

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

#7

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♪ Laugh and cry ♪

#8

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♪ He's a family guy! ♪

#9

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Well, it took 100 pounds of rice,

#10

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but you're almost done, Jessica Chast-grain.

#11

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What's that?

#12

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You want me to run away with you?

#13

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But what about your husband, Gian Luca Passi de Preposulo?

#14

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[laughs] Yeah, Italian names are stupid.

#15

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[Brian barking]

#16

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Ah, damn it! I'm gonna kill you, Brian!

#17

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Nice.

#18

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[barking]

#19

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The hell's goin' on over here?

#20

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You've been barkin' all morning.

#21

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Yeah, you're welcome. I'm protecting the neighborhood.

#22

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I heard from a dog, who heard from a dog,

#23

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who heard from another dog,

#24

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that he saw a pack of coyotes on Spooner Street.

#25

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There are no coyotes on Spooner Street.

#26

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And your barkin' is driving me crazy, so just stop!

#27

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I can't. And trust me,

#28

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my bark is the only thing keeping these predators at bay.

#29

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If there's one thing that I will not allow in this neighborhood,

#30

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it's predators.

#31

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Oh, hey, Mr. Herbert. How you doin' today?

#32

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Oh, you know me.

#33

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Easy-peasy, youngsy boys-y.

#34

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Sweet, sweet old fella right there.

#35

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Hey, can I talk to you guys about Chris?

#36

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I'm really worried about him.

#37

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What's wrong?

#38

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Well, he needs to lose weight.

#39

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And his blood pressure's way too high.

#40

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I'm afraid he could end up with serious medical issues.

#41

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I mean, maybe even a wheelchair someday.

#42

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Hmm.

#43

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If that were the case, I wonder if there's people on Craigslist

#44

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you can hire to make that burden go away.

#45

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I'm just not sure what's the best way to get him healthier.

#46

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Maybe a guy named Tony Q?

#47

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Huh, I guess the first thing I should do is get him to lose some weight.

#48

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Maybe this guy Tony Q's even cheaper than you'd expect.

#49

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Or maybe there's a sport Chris could get involved in?

#50

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You know what? That's a great idea.

#51

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After all, sports are in his DNA.

#52

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Peter's great-grandfather invented one.

#53

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I call it basketball, boys.

#54

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Now prepare to be dazzled by the most thrilling move in my game.

#55

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Chest pass!

#56

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Hey, that looks like fun. Can I try?

#57

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No, no, no, no, no.

#58

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Just us for a while.

#59

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Good afternoon, sir, I'm looking for a Brian Griffin.

#60

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Joe, you've known me for years.

#61

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Come on, I gotta flop around for like an hour to get my uniform on,

#62

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so let me do the cop thing.

#63

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I received an anonymous complaint about your barking.

#64

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It was me, Brian.

#65

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I was the anonymous complaint.

#66

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Here's a court order that says you have to wear a bark collar

#67

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until the complainant is satisfied you can obey the local noise ordinance.

#68

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Joe this is a flyer for your one-man show.

#69

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"Joe-comotive. The laughs have left the station."

#70

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Wow, and only five bucks a tick?

#71

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I should investigate this next, 'cause that is a steal.

#72

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Anyway, the collar's programmed to give you a severe shock

#73

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if you raise your voice above a certain decibel.

#74

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You're wastin' your time.

#75

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That's a military-grade collar, a little trickle down from Gitmo.

#76

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And don't bother trying to cut it off, you won't be able to.

#77

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It's Kevlar.

#78

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Same stuff Republicans want our kids to wear to school.

#79

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"Joe-comotive," all that and more, Friday afternoon at the VFW parking lot.

#80

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Chris, your mother asked me to get you involved in a sport

#81

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to help bring your blood pressure down.

#82

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Now, you have what we're no longer allowed to call "imbecile strength,"

#83

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so the first sport we're going to try is the shot put.

#84

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Just take this cannonball thingy, spin around like a maniac a few times,

#85

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- and, uh, heave it as far as you can. - Seems easy enough.

#86

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[grunts]

#87

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Oh, no, your car!

#88

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Ha! Who's the pathetic loser for not having a windshield now,

#89

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teens outside 7-Eleven?

#90

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The student you're matched up against today is Chris Griffin.

#91

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He's not much of an athlete, so go easy on him.

#92

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I wonder where he is, anyway.

#93

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By God, it's the Griffinator from the top rope!

#94

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- [exclaims] - [grunts]

#95

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As a husky kid on the spectrum,

#96

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this is the only kind of wrestling I'm into.

#97

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You don't have to explain yourself to me, Chris.

#98

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As an adult whose bath mat is newspapers, I'm pretty into it, too.

#99

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Thanks for trying to help, Principal Shepherd,

#100

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but I'm just not good at anything.

#101

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And all that stuff about carbo-loading is BS, by the way.

#102

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I ate a whole pan of the milky mac n' cheese at lunch

#103

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and it didn't help one bit.

#104

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- [stomach growls] - Uh-oh. Oh, I think the carbs just loaded.

#105

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Where's the bathroom?

#106

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Uh, the closest one is all the way across the field.

#107

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It's okay, this isn't my first poop-trot rodeo.

#108

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I can clench and hustle.

#109

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Chris is using hips to generate speed without dilating his anus.

#110

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It's the perfect race-walking form!

#111

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Oh, no, the door is locked!

#112

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And wow! Just wow.

#113

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A natural speed walker with form unlike any I've ever seen.

#114

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What the hell happened to us, Don?

#115

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Eight years ago, we were calling Major League Baseball,

#116

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and now we're hoping a teenager will speed walk by.

#117

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And I'll say the quiet part out loud. No one wants to hire a white guy!

#118

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It's been a pleasure, Don!

#119

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You've been a life raft and an anchor, Other Don!

#120

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So, are we all excited for Chris' first race walkin' competition?

#121

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No! This is gonna be so boring!

#122

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Why couldn't Chris play a sport that's actually interesting?

#123

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Oh, Meg. Race walking's plenty interesting,

#124

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if you know the first thing about it.

#125

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There's rules about heel and toe placement,

#126

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as well as leg straightness,

#127

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so keep an eye out for the judge's yellow and red paddles.

#128

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Those indicate a warning or disqualification.

#129

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Lois, we can see you sneak-reading Wikipedia.

#130

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All right, since none of you Gen-Z snowflakes

#131

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can be trusted around a starting pistol,

#132

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listen for the starting kazoo.

#133

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On your marks, get set... Kazoo!

#134

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I, um, lost the actual kazoo.

#135

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Come on, Chris, you got this!

#136

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So, it's really just walkin', huh?

#137

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God, by the time he's done, I could foster another kid

#138

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and raise him to play a better sport.

#139

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You know what? That's what I'm gonna do.

#140

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This is Rebecca, my new ward.

#141

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I found her under the overpass and said she could stay with us

#142

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till she gets back on her feet. Is the race over yet?

#143

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Mmm, not even close.

#144

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Okay, I'm gonna go get this one a tetanus shot.

#145

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I imagine she's quite overdue.

#146

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Rebecca's my girlfriend now, Lois.

#147

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She's always felt like more than a foster,

#148

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and we've decided to explore those feelings.

#149

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We bought a condo in Tucson, so I'll be moving out.

#150

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Look, here comes Chris!

#151

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Winner!

#152

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Whoo! Yeah! Yay!

#153

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- Great job, honey! - Go Chris!

#154

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Well, she left me, Lois.

#155

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I gave her an ultimatum, it was me or her tattoo artist,

#156

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but our throuple wasn't healthy for anybody.

#157

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She chose him rather quickly.

#158

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We sold the condo at a loss, and she still has my credit cards.

#159

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All that's to say I'm ready to rebuild what you and I once had.

#160

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You have to call the companies and cancel those cards.

#161

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I know.

#162

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Hey, there he is!

#163

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Woof-ie Goldberg, eh?

#164

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Arf Vader.

#165

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Bark Ruffalo. [chuckles]

#166

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Yup, I-- Yeah, I should've stopped on that last one.

#167

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So, how are you doin' with that thing?

#168

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I'm doing just fine, Stewie.

#169

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I am in total control of my barking.

#170

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That's good, because the fat man finally fixed that broken doorbell,

#171

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and you know that always gets your goat.

#172

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- [bell ringing] - [Peter] Is it working? Did I do good?

#173

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[ringing continues]

#174

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[barking]

#175

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Ow, damn it! [barking] Ow!

#176

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Oh, God! That was awful.

#177

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[Peter] Oh, locked myself out. Anybody in there?

#178

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- [ringing continues] - [barks] Argh!

#179

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Oh, wait, I got a key.

#180

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Someone I know is home!

#181

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[barks] Ow!

#182

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Someone I know is home!

#183

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[barks] Ow!

#184

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Hey, honey, I was just telling Bonnie and Donna

#185

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what a star you've become on your new team, huh?

#186

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Hey, I got an idea!

#187

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Do you wanna take a stroll with us?

#188

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First off, don't call it a "stroll." It's insulting.

#189

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And a little heads-up, if we do any photos,

#190

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you gotta tape over that Skechers logo. I'm a Rockport athlete.

#191

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When your joints are such a disaster,

#192

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even dress shoes need air pocket technology.

#193

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It's Rockport.

#194

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This next hill is really gonna test our mettle,

#195

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so why don't you ladies draft off me until we get to the top?

#196

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Now, who remembers what to do when we get to the intersection?

#197

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Walk in place like a lunatic who's clearly using this mild exercise

#198

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to keep their own demons at bay?

#199

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Why, Bonnie Swanson!

#200

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If I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was race walking gold medalist

#201

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Maurizio Damilano or Ivano Brugnetti.

#202

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[chuckles] Italian names are so stupid.

#203

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So, Brian, what can I do for you?

#204

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Come here to beg to have that collar removed?

#205

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Oh, this thing?

#206

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It's actually been such a non-issue, I forgot I was wearing it.

#207

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But since you brought it up,

#208

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I feel like my barking is under control now,

#209

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- so we can have Joe take it off-- - Shh, shh, shh!

#210

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Do you hear that?

#211

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That's peace and quiet.

#212

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[inhales slowly]

#213

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Ah!

#214

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Wh-Wh-What was that?

#215

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Did you just smell the silence?

#216

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Why, yes, I did, Brian.

#217

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Yes, I did.

#218

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Okay, fine, you were right.

#219

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I was being a loud annoying jerk and I'm sorry.

#220

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Please have Joe take this off.

#221

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Why do you think I like cats so much, Brian?

#222

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1980s Fancy Feast ads?

#223

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1980s Fancy Feast ads.

#224

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But what I really love about cats is how quiet they are.

#225

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They don't bark, they purr.

#226

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Okay, so, what's your point?

#227

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I wanna hear you purr.

#228

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I can't. I won't!

#229

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Say, how do you think a squirrel feeder would look in my front yard?

#230

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Right there. Right there in full view of your house.

#231

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[sighs] Okay, fine.

#232

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Purr.

#233

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Oh, you can do better than that.

#234

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Ugh, all right.

#235

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[purring]

#236

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There! Now, will you call Joe?

#237

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What do you think, Miss Kitty-Witty? Was that a good purr?

#238

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- [hisses] - [barks] Ow!

#239

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Sorry, Brian. She says no.

#240

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And when a woman says no in this house, it means no, as of March 5th, 2018.

#241

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Uh, what the hell? [groans]

#242

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Ha-ha! Argh!

#243

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Ha-ha! Argh!

#244

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[doorbell rings]

#245

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Well, what are you ladies doin' here?

#246

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We didn't have a walk planned today.

#247

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Oh, we're here for Chris.

#248

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What?

#249

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Chris, when'd you make plans with Bonnie and Donna?

#250

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It was on the group text.

#251

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I didn't see a group text.

#252

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Oh.

#253

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Well, gimme a sec. I'll grab my shoes.

#254

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Actually, Lois, today we're going to Three-Wide Park.

#255

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You know, that park where the trails are only three people wide.

#256

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But you said your fibromyalgia's acting up anyway.

#257

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Yeah, but I don't actually have fibromyalgia.

#258

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Nobody does.

#259

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You just say that to get outta stuff you don't wanna do.

#260

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Well, couldn't we just walk, you know, two and two?

#261

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Officer Threewide didn't die in a tragic freeway accident

#262

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so we could dishonor his memory.

#263

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Did you see that, Peter?

#264

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Chris just went out for the afternoon with my friends,

#265

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and not one of 'em thought to include me.

#266

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Ugh, so brutal.

#267

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Hey, what do you say we go upstairs and I cheer you up?

#268

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Oh, honey, I would, but my fibromyalgia's on fire today.

#269

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Oh, dear, never mind.

#270

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There's commercials for that, so I know it's real.

#271

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Sorry I'm late.

#272

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Me, Bon and Don, that's Bonnie and Donna,

#273

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were in the zone on this morning's walk.

#274

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- Oh, is that right? - Oh.

#275

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- What "Oh"? - Oh, nothing.

#276

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It's just me, 'Nie and 'Na, that's also Bonnie and Donna,

#277

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we're doing a vegan challenge.

#278

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- [cell phone chimes] - "Excuse me, sir,

#279

⇓

would you like some breakfast with your cholesterol?"

#280

⇓

Chris, what the hell is this?

#281

⇓

Oh, sorry. Wrong chat.

#282

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You know, I gotta say,

#283

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I'm not crazy about all this time you're spendin' with Bonnie and Donna.

#284

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What? W-Why? I like them.

#285

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Because they're my middle-aged female friends, and, lately,

#286

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it's like they enjoy hangin' out with my teenage son more than me!

#287

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It's inappropriate!

#288

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We only started getting along 'cause they like how I'm good at walking,

#289

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which you told me to get into.

#290

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I know, I know. And I'm happy you're healthier,

#291

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but now you, Bonnie and Donna are doin' things without me,

#292

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and texting about the food I make.

#293

⇓

[exaggerated] What?

#294

⇓

- [chuckles] We don't do that. - [camera snaps]

#295

⇓

Hey, how do you spell "uncoagulated"?

#296

⇓

Like... like if something wasn't cooked nearly enough?

#297

⇓

Where the hell is Brian Griffin?

#298

⇓

Sorry, Quagmire, I didn't catch that. Could you speak up?

#299

⇓

No, I can't, because if I raise my voice,

#300

⇓

I get freaking electrocuted.

#301

⇓

I have never been so furious.

#302

⇓

Take this off right now.

#303

⇓

No way. This is payback, you dick.

#304

⇓

I swear to God, I will choke you out with your own tail.

#305

⇓

Yeah, I'd like to see you try, you sad, lonely douche.

#306

⇓

[sighs] Where'd you get one of these things, anyway?

#307

⇓

Joe leaves his cruiser unlocked. It was on the front seat.

#308

⇓

Hey, that's not cool, Brian. Those collars aren't easy to replace.

#309

⇓

Unlike congressional seats, you can't just go out and buy one.

#310

⇓

[blows whistle] Joe-comotive!

#311

⇓

Next stop, good times. Now available for all private events.

#312

⇓

A cafe gaggle without me?

#313

⇓

Well, you know what I might do, and I think I'm gettin' this right,

#314

⇓

I might just take the morning-way-after pill,

#315

⇓

and then poof, he's gone!

#316

⇓

Oh, hey, fam!

#317

⇓

Oh, God, there's my mom.

#318

⇓

Wait. But if she's here,

#319

⇓

then who's at home doing the nothing all day?

#320

⇓

[laughing]

#321

⇓

Chris, you're terrible.

#322

⇓

So what are we dishin' about?

#323

⇓

- Janet's husband. - I love him!

#324

⇓

Hit her.

#325

⇓

You're kind of painted into a corner now, Mom.

#326

⇓

Is this chair being used?

#327

⇓

Yes. For Donna's purse.

#328

⇓

Oh, Kate Spade.

#329

⇓

You know, she killed herself, right?

#330

⇓

- [gasping] - Well, jeez, Mom!

#331

⇓

What exactly do you think passes as acceptable brunch conversation?

#332

⇓

It's lady talk, Chris. You don't get it.

#333

⇓

Oh, speaking of, I know we said no more presents

#334

⇓

after we all got taken in that "gifting table" Ponzi scheme,

#335

⇓

but I could not help myself.

#336

⇓

I got tickets to Magic Mike Live.

#337

⇓

- [both gasp excitedly] - Oh, sorry, Chris.

#338

⇓

I didn't get one for you because I just assumed, you know,

#339

⇓

it wasn't exactly up your alley.

#340

⇓

Well, you assumed right.

#341

⇓

The Quahog production is family-friendly.

#342

⇓

They only do the parts where Magic Mike works odd jobs

#343

⇓

to secure a business loan for furniture making.

#344

⇓

Oh.

#345

⇓

Say, I was about to get a latte.

#346

⇓

Who wants one? My treat.

#347

⇓

Actually, we were just leaving.

#348

⇓

We're going to Mount Quahog so Chris can show us how to walk

#349

⇓

while taking a business call on AirPods.

#350

⇓

If you're not at a volume that ruins nature for everyone else,

#351

⇓

you're doin' it wrong.

#352

⇓

Okay, enough!

#353

⇓

I am sick of you two being so enamored with my dope son.

#354

⇓

Ever since he joined that stupid team,

#355

⇓

he's prancin' around like some sort of fitness guru,

#356

⇓

and you two eat it up with a spoon.

#357

⇓

Well, I'm gonna prove Chris is the same little turd he was a week ago

#358

⇓

by beatin' him in a race walk,

#359

⇓

and settin' all of this back to the way it was!

#360

⇓

Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag.

#361

⇓

- You know she killed herself, right? - Stop it!

#362

⇓

See? They get it!

#363

⇓

I hope that extra-strength trash bag commercial

#364

⇓

was exaggerating what happens if you use the leading brand.

#365

⇓

Oh, they weren't exaggerating.

#366

⇓

Look at this. Covered in rabbit stew.

#367

⇓

[sighs] The curse of cooking for one is always the leftovers for many.

#368

⇓

[growling]

#369

⇓

Oh, my God, coyotes!

#370

⇓

Brian was right.

#371

⇓

Listen to me, "Brian was right."

#372

⇓

I bet Hell just froze over.

#373

⇓

Oh, it's freezing in here.

#374

⇓

You were just hot two seconds ago.

#375

⇓

Well, now I'm cold.

#376

⇓

- [doorbell rings] - Who's that?

#377

⇓

You knew my sister was coming.

#378

⇓

[both scream excitedly]

#379

⇓

[announcer] Hell! Her sister's here, too.

#380

⇓

[coyotes snarling]

#381

⇓

[weakly] Help.

#382

⇓

Help!

#383

⇓

[in distance] Help!

#384

⇓

Somebody's in trouble at Quagmire's!

#385

⇓

[♪ synth music playing poorly]

#386

⇓

And somebody's having a really hard time with "Axel F" on the keyboard.

#387

⇓

[♪ music continues]

#388

⇓

[Joe] It's quite a mountain to climb, but, oh, what a view!

#389

⇓

[coyotes snarling]

#390

⇓

[Brian] Hey, back off!

#391

⇓

Brian, what are you doing?

#392

⇓

Get outta here or they'll tear us both apart.

#393

⇓

Don't worry, Quagmire. I know what I'm doing.

#394

⇓

[growling]

#395

⇓

[screaming]

#396

⇓

[screaming]

#397

⇓

[screaming]

#398

⇓

[groans]

#399

⇓

- [growling] - [Brian groans]

#400

⇓

[screaming]

#401

⇓

[coyotes whining]

#402

⇓

Brian, you saved my life.

#403

⇓

But why? I've been a total dick all week.

#404

⇓

Because I'm a dog, and it's my duty to protect this neighborhood.

#405

⇓

We might hate each other, but as long as you live next door,

#406

⇓

you'll always be safe on Spooner Street.

#407

⇓

They got me, Daddy!

#408

⇓

Take the extra Slim Jims outta your socks, Junior!

#409

⇓

Take the Slim Jims outta your socks!

#410

⇓

Okay, so we're all clear on the rules?

#411

⇓

- No running? - No running, yeah.

#412

⇓

Okay. On your marks, get set, kazoo!

#413

⇓

[all cheering]

#414

⇓

Hello, I'm Oscar-winning actor and often impersonated Christopher Walken

#415

⇓

here to announce this walkin' race.

#416

⇓

Am I really him? I'm not even sure anymore.

#417

⇓

Strangers come up to me doing better mes than me.

#418

⇓

And I say, "Hey, that's me."

#419

⇓

But invariably, I learn it is not me.

#420

⇓

I'm me, I think.

#421

⇓

Look at them, hoofing it through the streets of Quahog.

#422

⇓

That's some mighty fine walkin', and I should know.

#423

⇓

Pause for laughter.

#424

⇓

And look out up ahead, because there's a patch of wet cement

#425

⇓

that has been freshly smoothed by a very satisfied ethnic worker.

#426

⇓

"Oh, come on," says the man,

#427

⇓

slamming his trowel into the wet cement, further damaging it.

#428

⇓

[both panting]

#429

⇓

[groaning]

#430

⇓

[Walken] Oh, no, he's injured his hamstring!

#431

⇓

Dramatic music.

#432

⇓

Congratulations, Mom. You beat me fair and square.

#433

⇓

- [Walken] Said Chris. - No, Mr. Walken, we're done with you.

#434

⇓

Christopher, you lost on purpose, didn't you? Why?

#435

⇓

Because I want you to win this race, Mom.

#436

⇓

You looked out for me by getting me involved in sports,

#437

⇓

now I'm looking out for you.

#438

⇓

You need Bonnie and Donna more than I do.

#439

⇓

Aw, thank you, Chris.

#440

⇓

Also, adult female friends swap nudes way less than I was led to believe.

#441

⇓

Like, basically never.

#442

⇓

And that was not an insignificant part of my involvement in this charade.

#443

⇓

I just wanted to tell you again, Chris,

#444

⇓

I really appreciate what you did for me with Bonnie and Donna.

#445

⇓

It's all right, Mom.

#446

⇓

Once I realized that being in a woman friendship

#447

⇓

didn't involve the sending back and forth of nudes,

#448

⇓

I was kinda over it.

#449

⇓

Yeah. Yeah, you mentioned that before.

#450

⇓

Well, that's how important it is to me.

#451

⇓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

#452

⇓