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Home » Family Guy » S23E12 — One Foot in Front of the Mother

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 12 — One Foot in Front of the Mother

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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

seems seems-today today

↓

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies violence

↓

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

↓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

↓

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

lucky positively

↓

♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

laugh

↓

♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

[Brian barking]

barking brian

↓

Ah, damn it! I'm gonna kill you, Brian!

brian kill

↓

Nice.

↓

[barking]

barking

↓

The hell's goin' on over here?

goin hells

↓

You've been barkin' all morning.

morning

↓

Yeah, you're welcome. I'm protecting the neighborhood.

neighborhood protecting welcome

↓

I heard from a dog, who heard from a dog,

heard

↓

who heard from another dog,

another heard

↓

that he saw a pack of coyotes on Spooner Street.

coyotes pack street

↓

Sweet, sweet old fella right there.

fella sweet

↓

Peter's great-grandfather invented one.

grandfather invented peters

↓

I call it basketball, boys.

basketball boys

↓

Now prepare to be dazzled by the most thrilling move in my game.

game prepare thrilling

↓

Chest pass!

chest pass

↓

Hey, that looks like fun. Can I try?

fun

↓

No, no, no, no, no.

↓

Just us for a while.

↓

Joe this is a flyer for your one-man show.

flyer

↓

"Joe-comotive. The laughs have left the station."

laughs left station

↓

Wow, and only five bucks a tick?

bucks five five-bucks tick

↓

I should investigate this next, 'cause that is a steal.

investigate steal

↓

Anyway, the collar's programmed to give you a severe shock

collars programmed severe shock

↓

if you raise your voice above a certain decibel.

certain raise voice

↓

You're wastin' your time.

↓

That's a military-grade collar, a little trickle down from Gitmo.

collar grade military

↓

And don't bother trying to cut it off, you won't be able to.

able bother

↓

It's Kevlar.

↓

Same stuff Republicans want our kids to wear to school.

kids republicans school stuff wear

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"Joe-comotive," all that and more, Friday afternoon at the VFW parking lot.

afternoon friday parking

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Chris, your mother asked me to get you involved in a sport

asked chris involved mother sport

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to help bring your blood pressure down.

blood blood-pressure bring pressure

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Now, you have what we're no longer allowed to call "imbecile strength,"

allowed imbecile longer strength

↓

so the first sport we're going to try is the shot put.

shot sport

↓

Just take this cannonball thingy, spin around like a maniac a few times,

cannonball maniac spin thingy times

↓

- and, uh, heave it as far as you can. - Seems easy enough.

easy heave seems

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[grunts]

grunts

↓

Oh, no, your car!

↓

Ha! Who's the pathetic loser for not having a windshield now,

having loser pathetic windshield

↓

teens outside 7-Eleven?

eleven teens

↓

The student you're matched up against today is Chris Griffin.

chris chris-griffin griffin student today

↓

He's not much of an athlete, so go easy on him.

athlete easy

↓

I wonder where he is, anyway.

wonder

↓

By God, it's the Griffinator from the top rope!

rope

↓

- [exclaims] - [grunts]

exclaims grunts

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As a husky kid on the spectrum,

husky spectrum

↓

this is the only kind of wrestling I'm into.

wrestling

↓

You don't have to explain yourself to me, Chris.

chris explain

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As an adult whose bath mat is newspapers, I'm pretty into it, too.

adult bath newspapers

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Thanks for trying to help, Principal Shepherd,

principal principal-shepherd shepherd thanks

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but I'm just not good at anything.

↓

And all that stuff about carbo-loading is BS, by the way.

loading stuff

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I ate a whole pan of the milky mac n' cheese at lunch

cheese lunch milky whole

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and it didn't help one bit.

↓

- [stomach growls] - Uh-oh. Oh, I think the carbs just loaded.

carbs growls loaded stomach

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Where's the bathroom?

bathroom

↓

Uh, the closest one is all the way across the field.

closest field

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It's okay, this isn't my first poop-trot rodeo.

poop rodeo trot

↓

I can clench and hustle.

clench hustle

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Chris is using hips to generate speed without dilating his anus.

anus chris generate hips speed using

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It's the perfect race-walking form!

form perfect race walking

↓

Oh, no, the door is locked!

door locked

↓

And wow! Just wow.

↓

A natural speed walker with form unlike any I've ever seen.

form natural seen speed unlike walker

↓

What the hell happened to us, Don?

happened

↓

Eight years ago, we were calling Major League Baseball,

baseball calling eight eight-years league league-baseball major years

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and now we're hoping a teenager will speed walk by.

hoping speed teenager walk

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And I'll say the quiet part out loud. No one wants to hire a white guy!

hire loud part quiet wants white

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It's been a pleasure, Don!

pleasure

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You've been a life raft and an anchor, Other Don!

anchor life raft

↓

So, are we all excited for Chris' first race walkin' competition?

chris competition excited race walkin

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No! This is gonna be so boring!

boring

↓

Why couldn't Chris play a sport that's actually interesting?

chris interesting sport

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Oh, Meg. Race walking's plenty interesting,

interesting plenty race

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if you know the first thing about it.

↓

There's rules about heel and toe placement,

heel placement rules

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as well as leg straightness,

↓

so keep an eye out for the judge's yellow and red paddles.

judges yellow

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Those indicate a warning or disqualification.

indicate warning

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Lois, we can see you sneak-reading Wikipedia.

lois reading sneak

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All right, since none of you Gen-Z snowflakes

snowflakes

↓

can be trusted around a starting pistol,

pistol starting trusted

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listen for the starting kazoo.

kazoo starting

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On your marks, get set... Kazoo!

kazoo marks

↓

I, um, lost the actual kazoo.

actual kazoo lost

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Come on, Chris, you got this!

chris

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So, it's really just walkin', huh?

walkin

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God, by the time he's done, I could foster another kid

another foster

↓

and raise him to play a better sport.

raise sport

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You know what? That's what I'm gonna do.

↓

This is Rebecca, my new ward.

rebecca ward

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I found her under the overpass and said she could stay with us

found

↓

till she gets back on her feet. Is the race over yet?

feet race till

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Mmm, not even close.

close

↓

Okay, I'm gonna go get this one a tetanus shot.

shot

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I imagine she's quite overdue.

imagine overdue

↓

Rebecca's my girlfriend now, Lois.

girlfriend lois

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She's always felt like more than a foster,

foster

↓

and we've decided to explore those feelings.

decided explore feelings

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We bought a condo in Tucson, so I'll be moving out.

bought condo moving

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Look, here comes Chris!

chris comes

↓

Winner!

winner

↓

Whoo! Yeah! Yay!

whoo

↓

- Great job, honey! - Go Chris!

chris honey

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Well, she left me, Lois.

left lois

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I gave her an ultimatum, it was me or her tattoo artist,

artist tattoo ultimatum

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but our throuple wasn't healthy for anybody.

anybody healthy throuple

↓

She chose him rather quickly.

chose quickly

↓

We sold the condo at a loss, and she still has my credit cards.

cards condo credit credit-cards loss sold

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All that's to say I'm ready to rebuild what you and I once had.

ready rebuild

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You have to call the companies and cancel those cards.

cancel cards companies

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I know.

↓

Hey, there he is!

↓

Woof-ie Goldberg, eh?

woof

↓

Arf Vader.

vader

↓

Bark Ruffalo. [chuckles]

bark chuckles

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Yup, I-- Yeah, I should've stopped on that last one.

shouldve stopped

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So, how are you doin' with that thing?

doin

↓

I'm doing just fine, Stewie.

stewie

↓

I am in total control of my barking.

barking control total total-control

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That's good, because the fat man finally fixed that broken doorbell,

broken doorbell finally fixed

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and you know that always gets your goat.

goat

↓

- [bell ringing] - [Peter] Is it working? Did I do good?

bell bell-ringing peter ringing working

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[ringing continues]

continues ringing ringing-continues

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[barking]

barking

↓

Ow, damn it! [barking] Ow!

barking

↓

Oh, God! That was awful.

awful

↓

[Peter] Oh, locked myself out. Anybody in there?

anybody locked peter

↓

- [ringing continues] - [barks] Argh!

argh barks continues ringing ringing-continues

↓

Oh, wait, I got a key.

↓

Someone I know is home!

home

↓

[barks] Ow!

barks

↓

Someone I know is home!

home

↓

[barks] Ow!

barks

↓

Hey, honey, I was just telling Bonnie and Donna

bonnie donna honey telling

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what a star you've become on your new team, huh?

become star team

↓

Hey, I got an idea!

idea

↓

Do you wanna take a stroll with us?

stroll

↓

First off, don't call it a "stroll." It's insulting.

insulting stroll

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And a little heads-up, if we do any photos,

heads photos

↓

you gotta tape over that Skechers logo. I'm a Rockport athlete.

athlete tape

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When your joints are such a disaster,

disaster joints

↓

even dress shoes need air pocket technology.

dress pocket shoes technology

↓

It's Rockport.

↓

This next hill is really gonna test our mettle,

hill test

↓

so why don't you ladies draft off me until we get to the top?

draft ladies

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Now, who remembers what to do when we get to the intersection?

intersection remembers

↓

Walk in place like a lunatic who's clearly using this mild exercise

exercise lunatic mild place using walk

↓

to keep their own demons at bay?

demons

↓

Why, Bonnie Swanson!

bonnie swanson

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If I didn't know any better, I'd swear I was race walking gold medalist

gold race swear walking

↓

Maurizio Damilano or Ivano Brugnetti.

↓

[chuckles] Italian names are so stupid.

chuckles italian names stupid

↓

So, Brian, what can I do for you?

brian

↓

Come here to beg to have that collar removed?

collar removed

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Oh, this thing?

↓

It's actually been such a non-issue, I forgot I was wearing it.

forgot issue wearing

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But since you brought it up,

brought

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I feel like my barking is under control now,

barking control

↓

- so we can have Joe take it off-- - Shh, shh, shh!

↓

Do you hear that?

↓

That's peace and quiet.

peace quiet

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[inhales slowly]

inhales slowly

↓

Ah!

↓

Wh-Wh-What was that?

↓

Did you just smell the silence?

silence smell

↓

Why, yes, I did, Brian.

brian

↓

Yes, I did.

↓

Okay, fine, you were right.

↓

I was being a loud annoying jerk and I'm sorry.

annoying jerk loud

↓

Please have Joe take this off.

↓

Why do you think I like cats so much, Brian?

brian cats

↓

1980s Fancy Feast ads?

fancy feast

↓

1980s Fancy Feast ads.

fancy feast

↓

But what I really love about cats is how quiet they are.

cats love quiet

↓

They don't bark, they purr.

bark purr

↓

Okay, so, what's your point?

point

↓

I wanna hear you purr.

purr

↓

I can't. I won't!

↓

Say, how do you think a squirrel feeder would look in my front yard?

feeder front front-yard squirrel yard

↓

Right there. Right there in full view of your house.

full house view

↓

[sighs] Okay, fine.

sighs

↓

Purr.

purr

↓

Oh, you can do better than that.

↓

Ugh, all right.

↓

[purring]

↓

There! Now, will you call Joe?

↓

What do you think, Miss Kitty-Witty? Was that a good purr?

kitty miss purr

↓

- [hisses] - [barks] Ow!

barks hisses

↓

Sorry, Brian. She says no.

brian

↓

And when a woman says no in this house, it means no, as of March 5th, 2018.

house march woman

↓

Uh, what the hell? [groans]

groans

↓

Ha-ha! Argh!

argh

↓

Ha-ha! Argh!

argh

↓

[doorbell rings]

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

Well, what are you ladies doin' here?

doin ladies

↓

We didn't have a walk planned today.

planned today walk

↓

Oh, we're here for Chris.

chris

↓

What?

↓

Chris, when'd you make plans with Bonnie and Donna?

bonnie chris donna plans

↓

It was on the group text.

group text

↓

I didn't see a group text.

group text

↓

Oh.

↓

Well, gimme a sec. I'll grab my shoes.

grab shoes

↓

Actually, Lois, today we're going to Three-Wide Park.

lois park three today wide

↓

You know, that park where the trails are only three people wide.

park three wide

↓

But you said your fibromyalgia's acting up anyway.

acting

↓

Yeah, but I don't actually have fibromyalgia.

↓

Nobody does.

nobody

↓

You just say that to get outta stuff you don't wanna do.

outta stuff

↓

Well, couldn't we just walk, you know, two and two?

walk

↓

Officer Threewide didn't die in a tragic freeway accident

accident freeway officer tragic

↓

so we could dishonor his memory.

memory

↓

Did you see that, Peter?

peter

↓

Chris just went out for the afternoon with my friends,

afternoon chris friends

↓

and not one of 'em thought to include me.

include

↓

Ugh, so brutal.

brutal

↓

Hey, what do you say we go upstairs and I cheer you up?

cheer upstairs

↓

Oh, honey, I would, but my fibromyalgia's on fire today.

fire honey today

↓

Oh, dear, never mind.

dear mind

↓

There's commercials for that, so I know it's real.

commercials real

↓

Sorry I'm late.

late

↓

Me, Bon and Don, that's Bonnie and Donna,

bonnie donna

↓

were in the zone on this morning's walk.

mornings walk zone

↓

- Oh, is that right? - Oh.

↓

- What "Oh"? - Oh, nothing.

↓

It's just me, 'Nie and 'Na, that's also Bonnie and Donna,

bonnie donna

↓

we're doing a vegan challenge.

challenge vegan

↓

- [cell phone chimes] - "Excuse me, sir,

cell cell-phone cell-phone-chimes chimes excuse phone phone-chimes

↓

would you like some breakfast with your cholesterol?"

breakfast

↓

Chris, what the hell is this?

chris

↓

Oh, sorry. Wrong chat.

chat

↓

You know, I gotta say,

↓

I'm not crazy about all this time you're spendin' with Bonnie and Donna.

bonnie crazy donna

↓

What? W-Why? I like them.

↓

Because they're my middle-aged female friends, and, lately,

aged female friends lately middle middle-aged

↓

it's like they enjoy hangin' out with my teenage son more than me!

enjoy teenage

↓

It's inappropriate!

inappropriate

↓

We only started getting along 'cause they like how I'm good at walking,

along started walking

↓

which you told me to get into.

↓

I know, I know. And I'm happy you're healthier,

happy healthier

↓

but now you, Bonnie and Donna are doin' things without me,

bonnie doin donna

↓

and texting about the food I make.

food texting

↓

[exaggerated] What?

↓

- [chuckles] We don't do that. - [camera snaps]

camera chuckles snaps

↓

Hey, how do you spell "uncoagulated"?

spell

↓

Like... like if something wasn't cooked nearly enough?

cooked nearly

↓

Where the hell is Brian Griffin?

brian brian-griffin griffin

↓

Sorry, Quagmire, I didn't catch that. Could you speak up?

catch quagmire speak

↓

No, I can't, because if I raise my voice,

raise voice

↓

I get freaking electrocuted.

electrocuted freaking

↓

I have never been so furious.

furious

↓

Take this off right now.

↓

No way. This is payback, you dick.

dick payback

↓

I swear to God, I will choke you out with your own tail.

choke swear tail

↓

Yeah, I'd like to see you try, you sad, lonely douche.

douche lonely

↓

[sighs] Where'd you get one of these things, anyway?

sighs whered

↓

Joe leaves his cruiser unlocked. It was on the front seat.

cruiser front front-seat leaves seat unlocked

↓

Hey, that's not cool, Brian. Those collars aren't easy to replace.

brian collars cool easy replace

↓

Unlike congressional seats, you can't just go out and buy one.

seats unlike

↓

[blows whistle] Joe-comotive!

blows whistle

↓

Next stop, good times. Now available for all private events.

available events private times

↓

A cafe gaggle without me?

cafe

↓

Well, you know what I might do, and I think I'm gettin' this right,

gettin might

↓

I might just take the morning-way-after pill,

might morning pill

↓

and then poof, he's gone!

gone poof

↓

Oh, hey, fam!

↓

Oh, God, there's my mom.

↓

Wait. But if she's here,

↓

then who's at home doing the nothing all day?

home

↓

[laughing]

laughing

↓

Chris, you're terrible.

chris

↓

So what are we dishin' about?

↓

- Janet's husband. - I love him!

husband love

↓

Hit her.

↓

You're kind of painted into a corner now, Mom.

corner painted

↓

Is this chair being used?

chair used

↓

Yes. For Donna's purse.

purse

↓

Oh, Kate Spade.

kate

↓

You know, she killed herself, right?

killed

↓

- [gasping] - Well, jeez, Mom!

gasping jeez

↓

What exactly do you think passes as acceptable brunch conversation?

acceptable brunch conversation passes

↓

It's lady talk, Chris. You don't get it.

chris lady

↓

Oh, speaking of, I know we said no more presents

presents speaking

↓

after we all got taken in that "gifting table" Ponzi scheme,

scheme table taken

↓

but I could not help myself.

↓

I got tickets to Magic Mike Live.

live magic mike tickets

↓

- [both gasp excitedly] - Oh, sorry, Chris.

chris excitedly gasp

↓

I didn't get one for you because I just assumed, you know,

assumed

↓

it wasn't exactly up your alley.

alley

↓

Well, you assumed right.

assumed

↓

The Quahog production is family-friendly.

family friendly production quahog

↓

They only do the parts where Magic Mike works odd jobs

jobs magic mike parts works

↓

to secure a business loan for furniture making.

business furniture loan secure

↓

Oh.

↓

Say, I was about to get a latte.

latte

↓

Who wants one? My treat.

treat wants

↓

Actually, we were just leaving.

leaving

↓

We're going to Mount Quahog so Chris can show us how to walk

chris mount quahog walk

↓

while taking a business call on AirPods.

business

↓

If you're not at a volume that ruins nature for everyone else,

nature ruins volume

↓

you're doin' it wrong.

doin

↓

Okay, enough!

↓

I am sick of you two being so enamored with my dope son.

dope sick

↓

Ever since he joined that stupid team,

joined stupid team

↓

he's prancin' around like some sort of fitness guru,

fitness

↓

and you two eat it up with a spoon.

spoon

↓

Well, I'm gonna prove Chris is the same little turd he was a week ago

chris prove turd week

↓

by beatin' him in a race walk,

race walk

↓

and settin' all of this back to the way it was!

↓

Hey, that's a Kate Spade bag.

kate

↓

- You know she killed herself, right? - Stop it!

killed

↓

See? They get it!

↓

I hope that extra-strength trash bag commercial

commercial extra hope strength trash

↓

was exaggerating what happens if you use the leading brand.

brand exaggerating happens leading

↓

Oh, they weren't exaggerating.

exaggerating

↓

Look at this. Covered in rabbit stew.

covered rabbit stew

↓

[sighs] The curse of cooking for one is always the leftovers for many.

cooking curse leftovers sighs

↓

[growling]

growling

↓

Oh, my God, coyotes!

coyotes

↓

Brian was right.

brian

↓

Listen to me, "Brian was right."

brian

↓

I bet Hell just froze over.

froze

↓

Oh, it's freezing in here.

freezing

↓

You were just hot two seconds ago.

seconds

↓

Well, now I'm cold.

cold

↓

- [doorbell rings] - Who's that?

doorbell doorbell-rings rings

↓

You knew my sister was coming.

coming sister

↓

[both scream excitedly]

excitedly scream

↓

[announcer] Hell! Her sister's here, too.

announcer sisters

↓

[coyotes snarling]

coyotes snarling

↓

[weakly] Help.

weakly

↓

Help!

↓

[in distance] Help!

distance

↓

Somebody's in trouble at Quagmire's!

quagmires somebodys trouble

↓

[♪ synth music playing poorly]

music music-playing playing poorly

↓

And somebody's having a really hard time with "Axel F" on the keyboard.

hard having keyboard somebodys

↓

[♪ music continues]

continues music music-continues

↓

[Joe] It's quite a mountain to climb, but, oh, what a view!

climb mountain view

↓

[coyotes snarling]

coyotes snarling

↓

[Brian] Hey, back off!

brian

↓

Brian, what are you doing?

brian

↓

Get outta here or they'll tear us both apart.

apart outta tear

↓

Don't worry, Quagmire. I know what I'm doing.

quagmire worry

↓

[growling]

growling

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

[groans]

groans

↓

- [growling] - [Brian groans]

brian groans growling

↓

[screaming]

screaming

↓

[coyotes whining]

coyotes whining

↓

Brian, you saved my life.

brian life saved

↓

But why? I've been a total dick all week.

dick total week

↓

Because I'm a dog, and it's my duty to protect this neighborhood.

duty neighborhood protect

↓

We might hate each other, but as long as you live next door,

door hate live might

↓

you'll always be safe on Spooner Street.

safe street

↓

They got me, Daddy!

daddy

↓

Take the extra Slim Jims outta your socks, Junior!

extra junior outta slim socks

↓

Take the Slim Jims outta your socks!

outta slim socks

↓

Okay, so we're all clear on the rules?

clear rules

↓

- No running? - No running, yeah.

running

↓

Okay. On your marks, get set, kazoo!

kazoo marks

↓

[all cheering]

cheering

↓

Hello, I'm Oscar-winning actor and often impersonated Christopher Walken

actor christopher often oscar walken winning

↓

here to announce this walkin' race.

announce race walkin

↓

Am I really him? I'm not even sure anymore.

anymore

↓

Strangers come up to me doing better mes than me.

strangers

↓

And I say, "Hey, that's me."

↓

But invariably, I learn it is not me.

learn

↓

I'm me, I think.

↓

Look at them, hoofing it through the streets of Quahog.

quahog streets

↓

That's some mighty fine walkin', and I should know.

mighty walkin

↓

Pause for laughter.

laughter pause

↓

And look out up ahead, because there's a patch of wet cement

ahead cement patch

↓

that has been freshly smoothed by a very satisfied ethnic worker.

ethnic freshly satisfied worker

↓

"Oh, come on," says the man,

↓

slamming his trowel into the wet cement, further damaging it.

cement further slamming

↓

[both panting]

panting

↓

[groaning]

groaning

↓

[Walken] Oh, no, he's injured his hamstring!

injured walken

↓

Dramatic music.

dramatic dramatic-music music

↓

Congratulations, Mom. You beat me fair and square.

beat congratulations fair square

↓

- [Walken] Said Chris. - No, Mr. Walken, we're done with you.

chris walken

↓

Christopher, you lost on purpose, didn't you? Why?

christopher lost purpose

↓

Because I want you to win this race, Mom.

race

↓

You looked out for me by getting me involved in sports,

involved looked sports

↓

now I'm looking out for you.

looking

↓

You need Bonnie and Donna more than I do.

bonnie donna

↓

Aw, thank you, Chris.

chris

↓

Also, adult female friends swap nudes way less than I was led to believe.

adult believe female friends less swap

↓

Like, basically never.

↓

And that was not an insignificant part of my involvement in this charade.

charade insignificant involvement part

↓

I just wanted to tell you again, Chris,

chris wanted

↓

I really appreciate what you did for me with Bonnie and Donna.

appreciate bonnie donna

↓

It's all right, Mom.

↓

Once I realized that being in a woman friendship

friendship realized woman

↓

didn't involve the sending back and forth of nudes,

forth involve sending

↓

I was kinda over it.

kinda

↓

Yeah. Yeah, you mentioned that before.

mentioned

↓

Well, that's how important it is to me.

↓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

closing closing-theme closing-theme-music music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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