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Home » Family Guy » S23E11 — China Doll

Family Guy

Season 23, Episode 11 — China Doll

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[♪ theme music playing]

music music-playing playing theme theme-music theme-music-playing

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♪ It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

movies seems seems-today today violence

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♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

fashioned fashioned-values values

↓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

rely used

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♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

family lucky

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♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

lucky positively

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♪ All the things that make us ♪

↓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

laugh

↓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy! ♪

family

↓

God, I love bein' in the Old West,

bein love west

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or maybe present day, it's unclear on the Paramount billboards.

billboards present unclear

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Hey, other cowboys,

cowboys

↓

did you get the cows put away here in the great state of...

cows state

↓

Wyoming?

wyoming

↓

Montana maybe?

montana

↓

We sure did, Yellowstone Boss Cowboy.

boss cowboy yellowstone

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And I'm Kevin Costner.

kevin

↓

Okay. That much I know.

↓

- He quit. - Then I know nothin'.

nothin quit

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but this is something else.

↓

[panting]

panting

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It's a hole.

hole

↓

Right? I was just... I was in the zone, man.

zone

↓

It was... It was like I was just channeling the work.

↓

Like... Like it was just coming through me.

coming

↓

It's very nice, Brian.

brian

↓

It's a masterpiece.

masterpiece

↓

A masterpiece I created with my own hands,

created hands masterpiece

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and no one can take it away from me.

↓

I took it away from you.

↓

Dude! What's your problem, man?

problem

↓

Thank you for sharing this with us...

sharing

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[gasps]

gasps

↓

What the hell?

↓

You buried Rupert!

buried rupert

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[exclaiming] Are you okay? Oh, please be okay!

exclaiming

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Got to leave lots of space.

lots space

↓

We're just getting started.

started

↓

I'll say this, Rupert, you were long overdue for a bath.

bath overdue rupert

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Oh, hush, just because Buzzfeed says Jake Gyllenhaal doesn't bathe,

bathe hush jake

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that doesn't make it true, even though it one hundred percent is.

hundred hundred-percent percent

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Now what's this?

↓

just ask Robert Frost.

frost robert

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[Robert Frost] Two roads diverged in a wood, and I...

frost roads robert wood

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I took the one less traveled by...

less traveled

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Alright, I saw the back of what I think is my son's English teacher

alright english sons teacher

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pushing a grocery cart full of his possessions,

cart full grocery possessions pushing

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and I just can't have that interaction right now.

interaction

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Mr. Frost?

frost

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Oh, hey!

↓

Mr. Thompson, uh...

thompson

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What've you been up to?

whatve

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Nothin' much,

nothin

↓

just waiting for the district to finish its "administrative review".

administrative district finish review waiting

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Not really something I can talk about.

↓

Well, I'm gonna go ahead and take the road more traveled by.

ahead go-ahead road traveled

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Could really use somebody to write a letter on my behalf!

behalf letter somebody write

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[Frost] I'm not really a writer.

frost writer

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Idiot, eh? Well, let's hear you say that

idiot

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after I have a very lazy Steven Seagal-type martial arts fight

arts fight lazy martial martial-arts steven type

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against Russian shills.

russian

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[both grunting]

grunting

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He is invincible!

invincible

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Even better than Steven Seagal,

steven

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who unzipped his leather pants in front of Portia di Rossi at an audition!

audition front leather leather-pants pants unzipped

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Rupert, I want you to feel that your heritage is respected here,

heritage respected rupert

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so I've made a few tweaks to our favorite classic television show.

classic favorite television tweaks

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[announcer] We now return to ER.

announcer return

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[Stewie] Edited for Eastern medicine.

eastern edited medicine stewie

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- I need 10 cc's of-- - [Stewie] Ginseng root.

root stewie

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And somebody set this patient up with--

patient somebody

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[Stewie] Goldfish to nibble his toes.

goldfish nibble stewie toes

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[EKG beeping]

beeping

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We're gonna lose him if we can't get our hands on some--

hands lose

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[Stewie] Baby elephant bones.

baby bones elephant stewie

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[EKG beeping rapidly, flatlining]

beeping flatlining rapidly

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- He's coding! - There's just one chance!

chance coding

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- We need-- - [Chris] The lady doctors to kiss!

chris doctors kiss lady

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I made some tweaks as well.

tweaks

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Well, I think I have gone above and beyond in embracing Rupert's culture.

beyond culture gone ruperts

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Rupert, you...

rupert

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You're looking out to the east.

east looking

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You're still thinking about your roots.

roots thinking

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I know, Rupert.

rupert

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You want to see your homeland again.

homeland

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You want to find your parents.

parents

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You want to casually moped through an asteroid field of traffic.

asteroid casually field traffic

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All right, Rupert, you win.

rupert

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Tomorrow, I will take you to China.

china tomorrow

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Didn't you set Rupert up at that window?

rupert window

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Which is facing north, by the way.

facing north

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Shut up, Brian, we're going to China.

brian china

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[gong clangs]

clangs gong

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Yeah, sound guy? Yeah, let's, um...

sound

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Let's pace ourselves on that stuff, okay?

pace stuff

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Wait a minute, you're taking Rupert to China so he can meet his family?

china family meet minute rupert

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That's right, Brian.

brian

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Rupert wants to find his mom and dad,

rupert wants

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and he wants to eat one tiny part of a shark and throw the rest in the garbage.

garbage part rest shark throw tiny wants

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And I'm going to make that happen for him.

happen

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- You can't go to China, Stewie. - Why not?

china stewie

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Because you're an infant. There's no way Peter and Lois will let you.

infant lois peter

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Pfft. They'll never even notice I'm gone.

gone notice pfft

↓

They're at VR Burning Man.

burning

↓

[laughing]

laughing

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Yeah, my wife is here, but she said I could glitter paint anyone I want.

glitter paint wife

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Why, yes, I will trade my wife for some toilet paper,

paper toilet toilet-paper trade wife

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Man with Top Hat and Goggles.

goggles

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Okay, Stewie, there's also the fact that Rupert is... Um...

fact rupert stewie

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- What? - He...

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Look, Rupert doesn't have a family, in China or anywhere.

china family rupert

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Rupert's just a toy.

ruperts

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What did you say?

↓

Rupert is a toy.

rupert

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Let me hear you say that one more time.

↓

It was then that I realized, I can't hear.

realized

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I can't hear, Dr. Scott!

scott

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And if that's true, how do I know I'm even being heard?

heard

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How do I know if I even exist at all?

exist

↓

Yeah... Yeah, totally...

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Yeah, would... Would you mind not folding your laundry during our session?

folding laundry mind session

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Hey man, this is therapy that advertises on podcasts.

therapy

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It costs, like, eighteen bucks. You get what you get.

bucks costs eighteen

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[phone beeps]

beeps phone phone-beeps

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Look, Brian, I'm taking Rupert to China, and it's none of your business.

brian business china rupert

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You're not invited anyway.

invited

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What would you even do in China?

china

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See if Olivia Munn left a sister back in the homeland?

homeland left olivia sister

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[♪ sitar music playing]

music music-playing playing

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- Are you-- - Yes, John Mulaney's brother, Don,

brother john

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and I'm looking for the same thing you are.

looking

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[flight attendant] Ladies and gentlemen, as we begin our descent into Beijing,

attendant begin flight gentlemen ladies

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we ask that you power down your devices.

devices power

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Blast, I need to hurry up and finish this episode of Yellowstone,

blast episode finish hurry yellowstone

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which we still haven't ever actually watched.

watched

↓

[♪ dramatic music playing]

dramatic dramatic-music dramatic-music-playing music music-playing playing

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You can't take our land!

land

↓

We built all this nothin' from nothin'!

built nothin

↓

I'm sorry, but I got a paper here signed by the governor of this Dakota.

dakota governor paper signed

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Cowboy husband? Is everything okay?

cowboy husband

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Get back inside, women-who-are-way- hotter-than-real-women-from-this-place.

hotter place real women

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[chattering indistinctly]

chattering indistinctly

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Here we are! We made it!

↓

Hey, check this out.

check

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Everyone, the Olympics are coming!

coming olympics

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Right! Oh, freakin' China, man!

china freakin

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I mean, 800 workers just died, but still...

died workers

↓

tip your cap, you know?

↓

[♪ sitar music playing]

music music-playing playing

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Hey. Thanks for making our stuff. Thank you.

stuff thanks

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Our country stopped making stuff, so thank you for making the stuff,

country stopped stuff

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'cause we still need stuff.

stuff

↓

I say, back in the old stomping ground, eh, friend?

friend ground

↓

Why, you must feel like Jesus did when he returned from the dead.

dead jesus must returned

↓

Hey, hey, look who's back!

↓

Miss me?

miss

↓

Jesus! Hey, hey! This is great.

jesus

↓

This is great.

↓

So, listen, um, I hired you to build me a table

build hired table

↓

back before all the stuff went down, right?

stuff

↓

And, uh, well, look...

↓

Hmm.

↓

Do you have a receipt?

receipt

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Um, no. I mean,

↓

well, you died, so I figured there was no point in hanging onto it.

died figured hanging point

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Yeah, you kinda wanna always keep the receipt.

kinda receipt

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Look! There!

↓

It's Rupert's brothers and sisters!

brothers ruperts sisters

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And there's his mother and father!

father mother

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Yeah, are you sure those aren't just random workers

random workers

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who happen to be on duty today?

duty happen today

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No, they're his mom and dad, I'm certain!

certain

↓

Look, she has Rupert's same non-smile!

ruperts smile

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And he has Rupert's glassy, dead eyes!

dead eyes ruperts

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All right Brian, remember,

brian remember

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it's vital that I make a good impression on these people, so, to review?

impression review vital

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[sighing] You're a wealthy American businessman.

american businessman sighing wealthy

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And also?

↓

The lead singer of Coldplay.

lead singer

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Perfect. Now I want you to film all of this,

film perfect

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because after we meet them,

meet

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I'm going to ask their blessing to marry Rupert.

blessing marry rupert

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W... What?

↓

You guys?

↓

There's someone here who'd like to say hello.

whod

↓

Okay.

↓

Yes! It's your son, Rupert!

rupert

↓

If they start weeping, obviously zoom way in on that.

obviously start weeping zoom

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Oh. Look at you, you're clearly in shock!

shock

↓

And now, like every host of a cooking travel show,

cooking host travel

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I'm going to disregard cultural norms and touch your body without your consent.

body consent cultural touch

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Ignoring your discomfort...

ignoring

↓

Ignoring your discomfort...

ignoring

↓

Feel free to cry, makes for better video.

free makes video

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Okay.

↓

We have so much to talk about.

↓

But I just want you to know, we don't hold it against you,

↓

you giving up Rupert, even though it did mess him up sexually.

giving mess rupert sexually

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Okay.

↓

I mean, I'm sure you guys had lots of stuff going on.

lots stuff

↓

I mean, obviously, the career...

career obviously

↓

Can't expect you to walk away from all this.

expect walk

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So, I'm Rupert's special friend, Stewie Griffin-Dockers III.

friend griffin ruperts special special-friend stewie

↓

Yes, of the pants Dockers. Let's not make a big deal out of it.

deal pants

↓

- Okay. - But I really love what you have here.

love

↓

That's such a cute hole they give you for a toilet.

cute hole toilet

↓

Brian, tell them about my toilet.

brian toilet

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- He's wearing it. - I'm wearing my toilet.

toilet wearing

↓

So...

↓

Am I still supposed to be recording this?

recording supposed

↓

So, listen, we, um...

↓

We didn't really come all the way to China just to say hello.

china

↓

As I said, Rupert and I are, um, very special friends...

friends rupert special

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truthfully more than friends, and, um...

friends

↓

You know, when a baby gets to be a certain age,

baby certain

↓

he starts thinking about his future,

future starts thinking

↓

and, um, who he wants to share that future with, and, um...

future share wants

↓

- [Brian] Still rolling. - I know!

brian rolling

↓

It's just, if this video goes too long, I won't be able to text it to you.

able text video

↓

You can fricking AirDrop it!

fricking

↓

Also someone's using the toilet hole in the background of your shot.

background hole shot someones toilet using

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Okay, you know what, let's not do this here.

↓

We clearly have a ton to talk about, so perhaps dinner is in order?

dinner order perhaps

↓

- Maybe we drop by around 6:00? - Okay.

drop

↓

Great! But you have to promise me,

promise

↓

no special treatment just because I'm a casual-slacks billionaire.

billionaire casual special special-treatment treatment

↓

[inaudible]

inaudible

↓

Who are those Americans poking around our industrial facility and filming?

americans facility filming industrial poking

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Are they spies?

spies

↓

I don't know.

↓

I'm not seeing any matches on the facial recognition software.

facial matches recognition seeing software

↓

Ah! Or on Tinder.

↓

Yeah, what do you expect?

expect

↓

We're a country of a billion guys and eight girls.

billion country eight girls

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[announcer] China! Whoops! Maybe we threw away too many girls.

announcer china girls threw whoops

↓

Count it!

count

↓

[knocking on door]

door knocking

↓

Hello, hello, hello!

↓

[sniffing] Mmm, something smells delicious

delicious smells sniffing

↓

and with the eyeballs still on it! I brought wine.

brought eyeballs wine

↓

Wow, that's a very expensive bottle, lead singer from Coldplay,

bottle expensive lead singer

↓

which I forgot to mention earlier.

forgot mention

↓

Bah, no, it's nothing.

↓

Now, before we do anything else, I just have to know,

↓

which one of you two hogs the blankets?

blankets hogs

↓

Who does Rupert get that from?

rupert

↓

Uh, look at Pop-Pop's face! Busted!

busted face pops

↓

I think we found our blanket hog!

blanket found

↓

Okay.

↓

So... Rupert and I, um...

rupert

↓

[chuckles nervously] Could... Could I maybe have some tea first?

chuckles chuckles-nervously nervously

↓

Tea?

↓

Oh, I'm such a klutz.

klutz

↓

Someone hands me a china cup, I look away, right?

china hands

↓

Down with china. You know?

china

↓

Down with china!

china

↓

Anyway, I'm here, um, to ask you a question.

question

↓

It's a very... Very important...

↓

Actually, you know what? Two questions.

questions

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You remember that old Calgon commercial? "Ancient Chinese secret", right?

ancient chinese commercial remember secret

↓

What exactly is the ancient Chinese secret?

ancient chinese secret

↓

Stewie, are you gonna do this or not?

stewie

↓

Yes, yes, Brian, fine.

brian

↓

So...

↓

What I really came here to ask you is this...

↓

Will you please give Rupert and me your blessing to--

blessing rupert

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You're under arrest.

arrest

↓

The charge is espionage against China.

charge china

↓

I didn't do espionage!

↓

And aggravated sodomy against a stuffed animal.

animal stuffed

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I didn't do espionage!

↓

Twenty years in a labor camp for spying on China.

camp china labor spying twenty years

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- What a mess. - "Hire Sidney Powell", he said.

hire mess sidney

↓

It's the only place she's still licensed!

licensed place

↓

Break's over! Get back to work making solar panels for American liberals!

american breaks liberals panels solar

↓

Didn't realize all of our solar panels are made by Chinese political prisoners.

chinese panels political prisoners realize solar

↓

Yes. White liberals have a lot to answer for.

answer liberals white

↓

Well, I'd say conservatives do as well,

conservatives

↓

especially in a post-Roe v. Wade world.

especially post wade world

↓

Oh, my gosh, I finally get to see this little guy!

finally gosh

↓

[gasps] He's adorable, he looks just like your rapist!

adorable gasps rapist

↓

I think he looks like both of us.

↓

He's a cutie.

cutie

↓

He's gonna be a little lady killer.

killer lady

↓

Well, we'll see. I don't wanna put any pressure on him.

pressure

↓

This is outrageous. I'm not a spy, and I'm not doing your prison labor.

labor outrageous prison

↓

Let me guess. Year of the Monkey?

monkey

↓

Yup. Bingo.

bingo

↓

Okay, Monkey. If you won't do this labor,

labor monkey

↓

we will give you and your friend hard labor.

friend hard labor

↓

The hard labor is watching the movie, Tár?

hard labor movie watching

↓

And answer questions about the film.

answer film questions

↓

"Why should the viewer care about this protagonist?

care viewer

↓

"What are we hoping she accomplishes?"

hoping

↓

"What is the ultimate message of the movie, Tár?"

message movie ultimate

↓

"Why is there an accent mark over the 'a' in Tár,

accent mark

↓

"despite the fact that it is a one-syllable word,

despite fact syllable syllable-word word

↓

"and therefore contains no other syllables to de-accentuate?"

therefore

↓

Oh, no, now it's getting really tough.

tough

↓

"What does a conductor actually do?"

conductor

↓

"Why couldn't the best musicians in the world,

best world

↓

who are trained at Juilliard,

trained

↓

play music without some maniac waving a stick in front of them?"

front maniac music stick waving

↓

"Why are people who hold and wave sticks so tormented?"

sticks wave

↓

"How do you think Tár chose her stick? Please explain in essay form."

chose essay explain form stick

↓

Well, at least this is the only movie we have to watch about a conductor.

conductor least movie watch

↓

And after lunch you'll be watching Maestro.

lunch watching

↓

You monster!

monster

↓

[laughs maniacally]

laughs maniacally

↓

I can't take much more of this, Brian. We have to break out of here.

break brian

↓

And I think I have an idea.

idea

↓

I don't know, an escape attempt could be dangerous.

attempt dangerous escape

↓

Maybe we just wait for Peter and Lois to come get us out.

lois peter

↓

That'll be quite a wait.

thatll

↓

Right now they're at Virtual Dave & Busters.

busters dave dave-busters virtual

↓

Ooh, Peter, let's order another plate of warm mozzarella sticks on brown lettuce!

another brown lettuce order peter plate sticks warm

↓

Sounds good, Lois.

lois sounds

↓

You do that while I go stare at women's butt cracks

butt cracks stare womens

↓

on the motorcycle games.

games motorcycle

↓

Hi, I like how your drink is very blue.

blue drink

↓

Hey, is it true that Dave shot Buster, then shot himself?

buster dave shot

↓

All right, Brian, here's the plan.

brian plan

↓

Each of these panels is coated with a highly-polarized carbon glass.

carbon coated glass highly panels

↓

But if we can reverse the glass, it'd form a concave mirror.

form glass mirror reverse

↓

And indeed, these components are modular.

indeed

↓

So, if we target the fence with those mirrors reflecting the sun's rays,

fence mirrors rays suns target

↓

we'll need a total of 1,400 centigrade, give or take.

total

↓

it should compromise the structural integrity--

compromise integrity structural

↓

[Brian] Come on.

brian

↓

[panting]

panting

↓

My plan had science in it, but fine, let's do it the dirty dog way.

dirty plan science

↓

[grunts]

grunts

↓

[guard over PA] Escape in progress! Escape in progress!

escape guard progress

↓

[cellphone dings over PA]

cellphone dings

↓

Es-cape, uh...

cape

↓

[chuckles over PA]

chuckles

↓

Escape in progress!

escape progress

↓

[alarm blaring]

alarm alarm-blaring blaring

↓

[both groan]

groan

↓

Where do we go?

↓

Over here! Through the village of Chinese stereotypes!

chinese stereotypes village

↓

There's still some we haven't done?

↓

That way! Through the obligatory Chinese New Year parade!

chinese parade

↓

No, over there!

↓

Where that old man with a wispy beard sells mythical creatures!

beard creatures sells

↓

No time! Let's just hide behind those terracotta soldiers!

behind hide hide-behind soldiers

↓

Whoops.

whoops

↓

- Hey! - What the hell, man?

↓

Should we settle up?

settle

↓

I'll settle up.

settle

↓

Oh, boy.

↓

Yeah, whenever you accidentally domino stuff over,

accidentally stuff

↓

there's always a biker gang that's mad about it.

gang

↓

[crowd shouting]

crowd shouting

↓

Quick! Down this alley!

alley quick

↓

[all shouting]

shouting

↓

[♪ cartoon music playing]

cartoon music music-playing playing

↓

[both shout]

shout

↓

[gasping] Oh, no!

gasping

↓

There's no way out. We're trapped.

trapped

↓

You've only made things worse.

worse

↓

You should know by now,

↓

there's only one way out of a Chinese prison.

chinese prison

↓

[gulps] Death?

death gulps

↓

No. Rat out someone else.

↓

[gong clangs]

clangs gong

↓

There he is! Famous pro-Tibet activist, Richard Gere!

activist famous richard

↓

[chuckling] What? I mean... Thank you. I'm flattered, but, what?

chuckling flattered

↓

Sorry, Chris. When you download TikTok,

chris download tiktok

↓

one of the terms and conditions is that

conditions terms

↓

the Chinese government can just arrest you whenever.

arrest chinese government

↓

We have had quite the Chinese adventure, Stewie.

adventure chinese stewie

↓

And I think I might just have my next screenplay idea.

idea might screenplay

↓

He's not gonna write [bleep].

bleep write

↓

Well, my friend, we both have crummy in-laws.

friend laws

↓

My parents throw you in the dryer. Yours put us in a labor camp.

camp dryer labor parents throw

↓

But if there's one thing I do know,

↓

no matter where we're from, or where we are,

matter

↓

or who does or doesn't give us their blessing,

blessing

↓

my home is where you are.

home

↓

And your home is where I am.

home

↓

And now I also know where your blanket hog thing comes from.

blanket comes

↓

I... No, Rupert, I didn't know that "blanket hog" is a Taiwanese slur

blanket rupert slur

↓

for the mainland Chinese.

chinese

↓

How would I know that?

↓

But I didn't know that it's racist, so how could...

racist

↓

I already apologized, by implication.

apologized implication

↓

[sighs] Fine. I'm sorry you were needlessly offended by my innocent use

innocent offended sighs

↓

of an obscure regional racism.

obscure racism regional

↓

So, that's why I cheated on Rupert with my octopus.

cheated octopus rupert

↓

Yeah, that seems fine. I don't really care.

care seems

↓

Hey, do you have another credit card?

another card credit credit-card

↓

'Cause the one I have on file isn't working.

file working

↓

So, Peter, Lois, did you miss us while we were gone?

gone lois miss peter

↓

Oh, we didn't even notice.

notice

↓

We were busy watching Yellowstone

busy watching yellowstone

↓

which is set in present day Montana with periodic flashbacks to the 1990s!

flashbacks montana present

↓

[announcer] We finally looked it up on Wikipedia.

announcer finally looked

↓

Thanks for going to China with me, Brian.

brian china thanks

↓

You bet.

↓

I just feel bad we had to hand over Chris to get out of there.

chris hand

↓

Oh, I'm sure by now they've figured out he's not really Richard Gere.

figured richard

↓

So, in Pretty Woman,

woman

↓

when I snap that necklace box on Julia's fingers and she laughs?

fingers laughs necklace snap

↓

That was total improv.

improv total

↓

Julia didn't know I was gonna do that.

↓

Wow.

↓

So what's Julia Roberts like in real life?

life real real-life roberts

↓

Is she just super-cool and down-to-earth?

cool earth super super-cool

↓

No, she is not.

↓

Mr. Gere, what's your middle name?

middle name

↓

Eh, you know, I don't think that middle names are all that important.

middle names

↓

I understand it's Tiffany?

tiffany

↓

It is Tiffany.

tiffany

↓

[gong clangs]

clangs gong

↓

That's called "range".

called range

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