Home » Family Guy » S24E03 — Man-Fest Destiny

Family Guy

Season 24, Episode 3 — Man-Fest Destiny

♪ It seems today That all you see ♪

#1

⇓

♪ Is violence in movies And sex on TV ♪

#2

⇓

♪ But where are those Good old-fashioned values ♪

#3

⇓

[all] ♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

#4

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

#5

⇓

♪ Lucky there's a man who Positively can do ♪

#6

⇓

♪ All the things That make us ♪

#7

⇓

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

#8

⇓

[all] ♪ He's a family guy ♪

#9

⇓

Ha! What is this? It's incredible.

#10

⇓

It's like, I mean, one must presume the car

#11

⇓

was on the way to eat at home, but, you know,

#12

⇓

because restaurants have a reputation of convenience and deliciousness,

#13

⇓

the driver was forced to veer away, putting other drivers at risk.

#14

⇓

But that just underscores how much better restaurants are than home.

#15

⇓

That's what makes it funny.

#16

⇓

That's why we're all laughing.

#17

⇓

Have you never seen a meme?

#18

⇓

A meme? What the devil is that?

#19

⇓

People take an image and put some stupid little text on it

#20

⇓

and think they're funny.

#21

⇓

Memes are basically Mad Libs for personality.

#22

⇓

[chuckles] Take it easy. They're free.

#23

⇓

No, they take zero thought or effort, like movies for Kevin Costner.

#24

⇓

Okay, so your character's in a cowboy hat looking way off in the distance.

#25

⇓

What if it's just kind of off in the distance?

#26

⇓

Uh, sure. And you're having a really hard time.

#27

⇓

What if it's just kind of a hard time?

#28

⇓

That should work. Oh, and the leading lady is young,

#29

⇓

but I'm guessing you prefer kind of young?

#30

⇓

Nah, I won't push back on that one.

#31

⇓

Ah, never gonna have a better opportunity.

#32

⇓

Excuse me, sir. Okay, you're out on the water.

#33

⇓

Settle a bet between me and Cleveland.

#34

⇓

Is the Little Mermaid black?

#35

⇓

I don't know about that, but I'm a Navy SEAL,

#36

⇓

so I'm legally required to inform you that I killed bin Laden.

#37

⇓

If that's true, what's his first name?

#38

⇓

Osama.

#39

⇓

This guy's the real deal.

#40

⇓

Do you think whales ate him by now?

#41

⇓

Actually, based on where we dumped him

#42

⇓

and the way the ocean historically moves, he could be near Quahog.

#43

⇓

Wait a minute. Guys,

#44

⇓

if we got a boat and found bin Laden,

#45

⇓

we could charge people five bucks

#46

⇓

-to kick him in the balls. -Or the butt.

#47

⇓

Yeah, sure. Balls or butt.

#48

⇓

-Who's in? -In.

#49

⇓

-In. -In.

#50

⇓

Thank you for your service.

#51

⇓

Oh, I'm not a sailor.

#52

⇓

I'm just a Brazilian guy in my everyday clothes.

#53

⇓

Oh. Then thank you for your outside dancing.

#54

⇓

It's nothing. I'll see you outside.

#55

⇓

Samba, samba, samba.

#56

⇓

Hey, Brian, are vegans known for like always talking about being vegans?

#57

⇓

Uh, yeah, I guess.

#58

⇓

[chuckles] Click on that.

#59

⇓

This makes zero sense.

#60

⇓

No, because vegans are always, like, telling you they're vegan, right?

#61

⇓

Okay.

#62

⇓

And see, it says "nobody" because, like, nobody asked, right?

#63

⇓

But this guy, our protagonist, he doesn't care.

#64

⇓

No, no, he doesn't care about the nobody.

#65

⇓

He's just gonna jump on in there and give you his two bits.

#66

⇓

But like nobody asked, right?

#67

⇓

That's why it says "nobody" up top.

#68

⇓

Isn't that hilarious?

#69

⇓

Yeah, I'm trying to work.

#70

⇓

Yeah, I should get back to work, too.

#71

⇓

Forwarding memes isn't work.

#72

⇓

Well, the Internet begs to differ.

#73

⇓

I'm getting a lot of likes on my posts.

#74

⇓

They're not your posts.

#75

⇓

You're not doing anything original.

#76

⇓

Says the guy writing a script called Barbie 3.

#77

⇓

Yeah, because somebody's probably already doing Barbie 2.

#78

⇓

Yeah, I think we're doing the same level of original.

#79

⇓

[laughs] Look at this one.

#80

⇓

It... It's based on the game,

#81

⇓

"Rock, paper, scissors."

#82

⇓

That's why it's funny. But this baby, like, I'm already laughing.

#83

⇓

Can you even?

#84

⇓

-[sighs] So this was your idea? -No.

#85

⇓

-But you found the pictures? -No.

#86

⇓

Well, you must have come up with the text.

#87

⇓

No, but I knew the perfect time to hit send.

#88

⇓

That's what it's all about.

#89

⇓

You didn't do anything.

#90

⇓

No, no, Brian, it's like this.

#91

⇓

The meme is the plane and I'm the pilot, right?

#92

⇓

So sometimes the plane goes on autopilot.

#93

⇓

But I'm still at the controls drinking Diet Cokes.

#94

⇓

So you're the autopilot of comedy?

#95

⇓

I get you from not laughing Rhode Island to laughing Rhode Island.

#96

⇓

It takes one hour drive diagonally across the entire state.

#97

⇓

Oh, I should have said Texas.

#98

⇓

You know, Lois said it's stupid to look for bin Laden's corpse

#99

⇓

because a drunk guy at a bar said to.

#100

⇓

-But look at us! -I'm getting kind of hungry.

#101

⇓

What'd you bring for eats, Peter?

#102

⇓

Wheat Thins and Costco muffins.

#103

⇓

That's all guys need.

#104

⇓

-Peter, that is a home run. -Out of the park.

#105

⇓

I was smiling as soon as you said it.

#106

⇓

Lois looked sad when she saw the food.

#107

⇓

No, it's good food. You did really good.

#108

⇓

-Wives just want us to do what they want. -Say less, King.

#109

⇓

You know, it's so easy and fun with you guys out here.

#110

⇓

Sometimes I wish the world was just guys.

#111

⇓

[all scream]

#112

⇓

Oh, my God! We've been struck by lightning!

#113

⇓

I think I possibly took the brunt of it.

#114

⇓

[all screaming]

#115

⇓

[all gasping]

#116

⇓

Oh, my God! The boat!

#117

⇓

Yeah, we might be out here for a while,

#118

⇓

so someone needs to carry the conversation.

#119

⇓

Did you guys know that Triscuit is short for electric biscuit?

#120

⇓

Also, there are no raccoons in Alaska.

#121

⇓

Let's just all drown quietly to ourselves.

#122

⇓

[groaning]

#123

⇓

I'll start.

#124

⇓

Joe was a true friend.

#125

⇓

I'm gonna miss him so much.

#126

⇓

And we should probably start sorting out who's going after Bonnie.

#127

⇓

Nice try, wisenheimers.

#128

⇓

Joe! How'd you make it in?

#129

⇓

My chair floats. How about you guys?

#130

⇓

We clung to old graduation balloons

#131

⇓

and one turtle who was caught in the ribbon.

#132

⇓

A little help with the ribbon?

#133

⇓

We're not supposed to touch you, because then your mom won't take you back.

#134

⇓

My mom died before America was formed.

#135

⇓

Oh, yeah. You guys live a long time, huh?

#136

⇓

Yeah, I was in the turtle brigade in the Civil War.

#137

⇓

-Which side? -Don't ask which side.

#138

⇓

Does anybody's phone work?

#139

⇓

-Nah. -Nope.

#140

⇓

Negative.

#141

⇓

We need to find shelter for the night.

#142

⇓

Oh, my God! A house!

#143

⇓

Whoa!

#144

⇓

It looks like a villain's lair.

#145

⇓

Yeah, it's like RoboCop's beach house from the '80s future.

#146

⇓

Word of caution. If you run around in socks in this place,

#147

⇓

you are definitely slipping, my friends.

#148

⇓

I'm zonked. I'm gonna crash.

#149

⇓

Yeah, me too. I call the master bedroom.

#150

⇓

It's called a primary bedroom now.

#151

⇓

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll be in the bedroom primary-bating.

#152

⇓

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, one side of a local news station,

#153

⇓

falling into a sinkhole.

#154

⇓

But first, wreckage from a Quahog boat was just spotted a few miles off the coast

#155

⇓

of famous gay party spot, Fire Island.

#156

⇓

[gasps] I wonder if that's Peter's boat!

#157

⇓

Damn! Right to voicemail.

#158

⇓

[voicemail] Hey, this is Pete. Single and ready to mingle.

#159

⇓

-[beeps] -[sighs]

#160

⇓

[panting]

#161

⇓

There we go. That ought to break someone's ankle this summer.

#162

⇓

Dogs and holes. Name a more iconic duo. I'll wait.

#163

⇓

-What? -No, I'm just saying.

#164

⇓

This is a mood.

#165

⇓

How is this a mood? Elaborate.

#166

⇓

No, I'm just saying I was today years old

#167

⇓

when I learned dogs are vindictive.

#168

⇓

Why are you talking like that?

#169

⇓

I'm in my meme phase, Brian.

#170

⇓

When I can't see them, I talk like them.

#171

⇓

My man talks like a Internet now.

#172

⇓

Well, stop it. It's stupid.

#173

⇓

Cranky writer upset at friends' fun.

#174

⇓

Didn't have that on my 2026 bingo card.

#175

⇓

Bingo card is so good! [laughs]

#176

⇓

What-- What-- What bingo card? Show me the card.

#177

⇓

Well, it's more about what's not on the bingo card, so...

#178

⇓

Yeah, it's what's not on there, Brian.

#179

⇓

Also, don't bingo cards just have numbers and not entire phrases?

#180

⇓

Yeah, you kind of... you kind of have to be funny to get it.

#181

⇓

All right, I'm going in. You're making no sense.

#182

⇓

I think what you mean to say is "The math ain't mathing.

#183

⇓

Period. Full stop."

#184

⇓

Yeah, you don't have to say full stop.

#185

⇓

That's... that's what a period is.

#186

⇓

Yo, we talking about periods?

#187

⇓

Let me let you in on a little toothbrushing secret. Crest.

#188

⇓

How is Crest a secret?

#189

⇓

Shh.

#190

⇓

This was all there was in the closet.

#191

⇓

Yeah, same here. Do we look chic?

#192

⇓

What's chic?

#193

⇓

O-M-G! Look at all us chic ass boys.

#194

⇓

I'll check on our phones.

#195

⇓

Still nothing. I can't believe this.

#196

⇓

Wait. Do you hear that?

#197

⇓

[♪ house music playing distantly]

#198

⇓

These must be the island natives.

#199

⇓

They clearly have a proud culture of music, dance and flavored vodka.

#200

⇓

Wow. Everybody's just doing what they like.

#201

⇓

Those hefty bearded guys are watching the Mets game.

#202

⇓

And those shiny little jacked guys are playing underwear volleyball.

#203

⇓

Yeah. Everybody else is drinking, dancing and horsing off in the pool.

#204

⇓

Is it possible this is Kokomo?

#205

⇓

It's checking too many boxes.

#206

⇓

[gasps] Wait, don't you see?

#207

⇓

On the boat, I wished for a world that was just guys.

#208

⇓

And then we got struck by lightning.

#209

⇓

I manifested this place into existence.

#210

⇓

Come on. We gotta fit in with the locals.

#211

⇓

Hi, I'm Peter.

#212

⇓

Our boat crashed here, and we slept in a future house

#213

⇓

with black toilets and white couches.

#214

⇓

Julian. We all get to the island in our own way.

#215

⇓

But you're here and you belong.

#216

⇓

Are there any women on the island?

#217

⇓

Just one. Her name is Molly, and she sits in your mouth.

#218

⇓

Say "Hello, Molly."

#219

⇓

Hello, Molly.

#220

⇓

My God, it feels like Christmas morning.

#221

⇓

On Fire Island, every day is Christmas.

#222

⇓

♪ Spike the drinks with pills of Molly ♪

#223

⇓

♪ Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#224

⇓

♪ Midler, Bette, and Parton, Dolly ♪

#225

⇓

♪ Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#226

⇓

♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪

#227

⇓

♪ Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#228

⇓

♪ Might just roofie Colin Farrell ♪

#229

⇓

♪ Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#230

⇓

♪ With the ladies we don't bother ♪

#231

⇓

♪ Fa la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#232

⇓

♪ Give us Dua Lipa's father ♪

#233

⇓

♪ Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#234

⇓

♪ Bravo is our only cable ♪

#235

⇓

♪ Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#236

⇓

♪ Eight mimosas for the table ♪

#237

⇓

[all] ♪ Fa la la la la la Bowen Yang ♪

#238

⇓

And Pete Buttigieg.

#239

⇓

Hey, Stewie. Wh-- What is all this?

#240

⇓

My memes have been getting so much attention that I got a book deal.

#241

⇓

What? You just forward other people's pictures and words.

#242

⇓

Yes. The biggest reward for winning new media is getting to do old media.

#243

⇓

Drake meme here.

#244

⇓

Boston cop slide meme here.

#245

⇓

Willy Wonka here. Kermit sipping tea here.

#246

⇓

This is ridiculous! You're not an author.

#247

⇓

Yeah, that's not what HarperCollins thinks.

#248

⇓

[notification dings]

#249

⇓

Either Harper or Collins just sent a clip from my audio book.

#250

⇓

We used Morgan. Don't you just love Morgan?

#251

⇓

[Morgan Freeman] Chapter two.

#252

⇓

We see Will Ferrell with a mustache.

#253

⇓

The caption reads, "Me shopping with my wife."

#254

⇓

It looks to me like he'd rather be anywhere else.

#255

⇓

What a day. Riding bikes in town,

#256

⇓

being so loud at restaurants that people leave,

#257

⇓

sending food back before we even saw it.

#258

⇓

Thanks for taking us in.

#259

⇓

Of course! We're a community here.

#260

⇓

Everyone pulls weight and helps in their own way.

#261

⇓

A lot of us don't feel supported in our regular lives.

#262

⇓

That's exactly how I feel.

#263

⇓

-[phone ringing] -[gasps]

#264

⇓

My phone works!

#265

⇓

Peter! You're alive!

#266

⇓

Not only alive, I'm thriving on a magic island I wished for.

#267

⇓

And it's just guys who are nice.

#268

⇓

I want you to meet Timothy, Michael and Robert.

#269

⇓

Hi, Tim, Mike and Rob.

#270

⇓

No. For some reason, we only use full names here.

#271

⇓

It's like the only thing we get mad about.

#272

⇓

You're on Fire Island, Peter.

#273

⇓

It's just a place for Wall Street guys and regional weathermen to be gay.

#274

⇓

Lois, you're embarrassing me.

#275

⇓

None of these guys' wives are calling them.

#276

⇓

Peter, enough. You need to come home.

#277

⇓

No, it's too fun here.

#278

⇓

When dessert comes out, we say we'll only have a bite,

#279

⇓

but we have more than a bite.

#280

⇓

Then we call Chef Mario a devil.

#281

⇓

You know what happens when you tell our secrets, Peter.

#282

⇓

Don't do it! Don't do it, Timothy!

#283

⇓

I'm gonna tickle you!

#284

⇓

[both laughing]

#285

⇓

I'm starting to think Chef Mario's not the devil.

#286

⇓

You are, Timothy! [laughs]

#287

⇓

Peter's having a great time.

#288

⇓

He's definitely not being tickled too much. [laughs]

#289

⇓

I'm alive, I'm fine, and I'm staying.

#290

⇓

Gotta go, Lois. I'm driving. Bye!

#291

⇓

Dad's safe.

#292

⇓

He's on Fire Island.

#293

⇓

We haven't paid for anything yet.

#294

⇓

Can we chip in for brunch?

#295

⇓

Robert is tallying the weekend costs so you can settle up all at once.

#296

⇓

Oh, okay.

#297

⇓

-Five thousand each should do it. -[all gasp]

#298

⇓

I-- I'm sorry. $5,000?

#299

⇓

I didn't even have a bed.

#300

⇓

Yeah! Slobs sleep on couches.

#301

⇓

[gasps, exclaims]

#302

⇓

You guys owe 5,000, too?

#303

⇓

No, I'm hot, so I don't have to pay.

#304

⇓

I thought this was a community where everyone takes care of each other.

#305

⇓

Yeah, uggos pay for hotties.

#306

⇓

Why should hot people pay?

#307

⇓

That's gross.

#308

⇓

Do you not have $5,000?

#309

⇓

-No! -Why?

#310

⇓

Because I have a wife.

#311

⇓

[all] Ew!

#312

⇓

Perhaps there's another way we can pay.

#313

⇓

Well, my house does need a new roof.

#314

⇓

Perhaps something else?

#315

⇓

Okay, I cut our debt in half, but we got to get the hell off this island.

#316

⇓

I hope you have an escape plan, Peter.

#317

⇓

Don't worry. We just got to think outside the box.

#318

⇓

That's how those guys came up with the log flume ride.

#319

⇓

All right, Madsen, I need a new idea for a ride or you're fired.

#320

⇓

Got it. Have you ever taken a bath and wished you were going slowly uphill?

#321

⇓

I think everyone has.

#322

⇓

And you know how people love to get soaking wet

#323

⇓

and then not be able to go home for five hours?

#324

⇓

-Yeah. -And don't you think

#325

⇓

the second word in a ride should be a word you've never heard before

#326

⇓

in any other context?

#327

⇓

Maybe. What's the word?

#328

⇓

Flume.

#329

⇓

Madsen, we're gonna be rich.

#330

⇓

Thank you all for coming.

#331

⇓

Sorry you had to watch me whisper-fight my publicist

#332

⇓

for getting the wrong tea.

#333

⇓

[whispering loudly] Too late, Tiffany!

#334

⇓

All right, chapter one.

#335

⇓

So, women take a long time to get ready.

#336

⇓

But this guy takes it way further.

#337

⇓

This skeleton, who starts presumably

#338

⇓

as a regular human guy, thinks his wife is almost ready.

#339

⇓

Cut to him being a skeleton and all of us laughing.

#340

⇓

I love how he called the guy a human guy.

#341

⇓

Very quirky. Very funny.

#342

⇓

[slow clapping]

#343

⇓

This isn't clever. And it's not comedy.

#344

⇓

Brian, this is comedy now.

#345

⇓

No, it's a shortcut for people who aren't actually funny to seem funny.

#346

⇓

Well, I like to think I'm capturing a relatable feeling and sharing it with--

#347

⇓

You forward reheated sound-bite leftovers to idiots doing the same thing!

#348

⇓

You're all idiots!

#349

⇓

Congrats on your stolen comedy valor.

#350

⇓

Uh, sir? This is a Wendy's.

#351

⇓

-[all laughing] -That's from online.

#352

⇓

[growling]

#353

⇓

And this guy's done adulting.

#354

⇓

[all laughing]

#355

⇓

So good! So good.

#356

⇓

Okay, so the plan is when they use the blender, we move.

#357

⇓

[♪ dramatic music playing]

#358

⇓

Put on these rollerblades.

#359

⇓

The next blender, we're through the gate.

#360

⇓

Those freeloaders are getting away!

#361

⇓

Beach gays, activate!

#362

⇓

[grunts]

#363

⇓

[grunts, exclaims] My blades!

#364

⇓

Eh.

#365

⇓

Ow.

#366

⇓

[ferry horn blowing]

#367

⇓

Let's try to catch that ferry.

#368

⇓

Weren't you trying to get away from us?

#369

⇓

[laughs] Julian, I meant the boat.

#370

⇓

Sorry, I'm twisted.

#371

⇓

YMCA occupation gays, activate!

#372

⇓

[screams]

#373

⇓

-[both groan] -Peter, the deer!

#374

⇓

I already got bit by ticks.

#375

⇓

[ferry horn blowing]

#376

⇓

That's the last ferry of the day!

#377

⇓

It's too far.

#378

⇓

Wait, Peter, do you still have that cocaine locket that Julian gave you?

#379

⇓

Yeah, but I wanted to save it for a special night with my family.

#380

⇓

Peter!

#381

⇓

[sniffs]

#382

⇓

[all screaming]

#383

⇓

Oh, my God! We made it!

#384

⇓

-[ferry horn blowing] -Bye! Have a fun trip.

#385

⇓

Aren't you mad at us?

#386

⇓

We're guys. We get over stuff fast.

#387

⇓

Come back next summer for our PJ party.

#388

⇓

We'll bring our families.

#389

⇓

No, don't!

#390

⇓

Don't bring them!

#391

⇓

[Brian] Morning, Stewie.

#392

⇓

[switch flicks]

#393

⇓

[grunts] What is this? What are you doing?

#394

⇓

Well, I can't get you to stop doing memes, so this exorcism will rid you of them.

#395

⇓

I won't recycle images from The Office and add my own text to it.

#396

⇓

I won't recycle--

#397

⇓

Oh, Bri, you sweet summer child.

#398

⇓

This isn't going to work.

#399

⇓

We have other ways.

#400

⇓

Chris? But I thought you were on my side.

#401

⇓

Well, I'm Gen Z and loyal to no one.

#402

⇓

Bet you didn't have that on your bingo card.

#403

⇓

-[winces] What is that? -You're getting a loboto-meme.

#404

⇓

When I flip the switch, all memes will rush

#405

⇓

into your brain and explode out of you.

#406

⇓

No, please!

#407

⇓

[groaning]

#408

⇓

It's working!

#409

⇓

[in distorted voice] First world problems.

#410

⇓

Cringe.

#411

⇓

Weird flex, but okay.

#412

⇓

[screams]

#413

⇓

Stewie, can you talk as yourself?

#414

⇓

Am I... am I doing it?

#415

⇓

Oh, thank God! You're back.

#416

⇓

I wonder where all those memes went.

#417

⇓

[bland uncle] And this is why we can't have nice things.

#418

⇓

[bland aunt laughs] Where do you come up with this stuff?

#419

⇓

Home again, home again, giggity-gig.

#420

⇓

Peter, I'm so happy you're home.

#421

⇓

Oh, Lois, I'm so sorry.

#422

⇓

I guess I learned that both men and women are pretty bitchy when money is involved.

#423

⇓

Tha-- That's what you learned?

#424

⇓

And that I'd rather get yelled at by a woman than get yelled at by a guy.

#425

⇓

Oh, a thousand percent. It's safer.

#426

⇓

I love you, Lois.

#427

⇓

Oh, Peter, I love you, too.

#428

⇓

I'm glad you're home.

#429

⇓

I thought you'd be more mad at me.

#430

⇓

Oh, I could be mad and have a dozen unopened jars

#431

⇓

or forgive you, have you open the jars and start my soup.

#432

⇓

Start with the big Rao's one.

#433

⇓

I will, Lois. Even though that one always hurts my hand.

#434

⇓

I'm just so happy to be back in a world with women.

#435

⇓

Good, because I had the craziest dream last night,

#436

⇓

and I'm gonna tell you all about it.

#437

⇓

Okay. So follow me here.

#438

⇓

It's complicated.

#439

⇓

Here's $5,000. I want back in.

#440

⇓

Sorry, Stewie. I just need to make sure all that meme nonsense is done.

#441

⇓

[notification dings]

#442

⇓

See, he's smirking because he's so proud of himself for ordering a pizza.

#443

⇓

Funny, right?

#444

⇓

No, not... not funny or clever.

#445

⇓

[sighs] Good to have you back, buddy.

#446

⇓

Said no one.

#447

⇓

It's funny because it's just like ordering a pizza.

#448

⇓

That expression is certainly too big

#449

⇓

for just ordering food to a place you usually wouldn't.

#450

⇓

[♪ closing theme music playing]

#451

⇓