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Home » Silicon Valley » S03E08 — Bachman's Earning's Over-Ride

Silicon Valley

Season 3, Episode 8 — Bachman's Earning's Over-Ride

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Bachman's Earnings Over-Ride

Air date: June 12, 2016

Director: Jamie Babbit

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

Erlich tries to be honest with Richard, who has mixed emotions about their friendship and the future of Pied Piper. Jared's new company apparel turns heads but fuels yet another clash between Dinesh and Gilfoyle.

Source: TMDB

↓

From Bloomberg West in San Francisco, I'm Emily Chang.

chang emily francisco west

↓

General Keith Alexander is here to tackle tech's role in counter-terrorism,

alexander counter general keith role tackle

↓

but first, a quick glimpse with Richard Hendricks,

glimpse quick richard

↓

founder and CEO of the hot, new compression platform Pied Piper,

founder piper platform

↓

and Erlich Bachman, Chief Visionary.

chief

↓

Oh, Emily Chang, it is just splendid to be here with you at historical Pier 3,

chang emily historical splendid

↓

with a breathtaking view

view

↓

of the Embarcadero Center

center

↓

and the flag of San Francisco.

flag francisco

↓

Now, Richard...

richard

↓

Richard actually developed this technology in my incubator.

developed richard technology

↓

I am listed...

listed

↓

I was originally listed under the white pages as "Erlich Blachman", with an

listed originally pages white

↓

a typo that apparently couldn't be changed,

apparently changed

↓

and then Google indexed it, so I've been dealing with that.

dealing google

↓

Richard, Pied Piper has taken off like a rocket.

piper richard rocket taken

↓

More than 100,000 installs in just 10 days.

days

↓

Is that right?

↓

Uh... Uh, yes.

↓

Pretty amazing.

amazing

↓

And you have a last-minute invite to the Vanity Fair summit dinner tonight.

dinner dinner-tonight fair invite minute summit tonight vanity

↓

Quite an honor for such a young company.

company honor young

↓

Richard, maybe you could comment on this one?

comment richard

↓

Yeah, we are finally the belles of the balls.

balls finally

↓

I mean, uh, ball.

ball

↓

Now, some people are calling you the next Unicorn.

calling unicorn

↓

Have you guys thought about that?

↓

You could have a billion-dollar company.

billion company dollar

↓

Erlich, you could own 5% of $1 billion.

billion

↓

Uh, ten, actually.

↓

Richard, this is boring.

boring richard

↓

- Shit. - No, no, no.

↓

He was an early investor.

early investor

↓

Again, it's Erlich Bachman.

↓

If you Google that, it'll say, "Did you mean Erlich Blachman?"

google itll

↓

You can click on that link, it'll give you the correct results for Erlich Bachman.

click correct itll link results

↓

Should we take some calls?

calls

↓

We don't do that here.

↓

I just know what I saw, Richard.

richard

↓

No, come on. Look, she's married, she just had another baby.

another another-baby baby married

↓

If you pushed a little harder, you could have scored right there on camera.

camera harder pushed scored

↓

- You should get her phone number. - Shut up.

number phone phone-number

↓

Oh. This is actually, uh, Jian-Yang pranking me.

yang

↓

I should take it.

↓

Yes, of course I have frog's legs. Why do you ask?

course frogs legs

↓

Are you serious? Have you honestly still not told him that you sold your shares?

serious shares sold

↓

You can't keep lying to him like this.

lying

↓

It's not technically a lie.

technically

↓

My shares don't transfer to Raviga until the next board meeting.

board board-meeting meeting shares transfer

↓

- Come on, it's been 10 days. - I know, I know.

days

↓

But, you know, the TechCrunch thing came up and then there was the Reddit AMA

↓

and, you know, now this Bloomberg thing.

↓

And besides, let's be honest,

besides honest

↓

Richard shouldn't be in the public eye without me along to help.

along public richard

↓

Did you just see the skeeved-out look on Emily Chang's face?

emily face

↓

I thought she was going to walk off set.

walk

↓

Erlich, you're lying to him,

lying

↓

and you made me a part of it, so now I'm lying to him, too.

lying part

↓

The longer you wait, the worse this is gonna get.

longer worse

↓

- All right, fine, fine. I'll tell him. - When?

↓

After the Vanity Fair thing tonight. I mean, did you see the guest list?

fair guest guest-list list tonight vanity

↓

Monica, throw me a bone here.

bone throw

↓

Twenty-four hours, then I'm telling him.

four four-hours hours telling twenty

↓

- Fine, I'll tell him. I'll tell Richard. - I'm serious.

richard serious

↓

- Tell me what? - I'm not joking...

joking

↓

Um...

↓

it was, uh, Jian-Yang.

yang

↓

He said to tell you that Phillip McCrevis left word.

left phillip word

↓

Oh. Who's Phillip... Oh.

phillip

↓

Richard, we'd better get our asses in first fucking gear

asses fucking gear richard

↓

if we want to make it to this Verge photoshoot.

verge

↓

Oh, shit. That's today?

today

↓

Yes, I assume that's why you're still wearing your Bloomberg makeup.

assume makeup wearing

↓

No. No, I was just... I kind of like the way it...

↓

Uh... Can we just push this to next week, please?

push week

↓

They don't really do that.

↓

Okay, well, can you go?

↓

Please? I just have a ton of work,

↓

and honestly I would be really happy if I never had to do any of this ever again

happy

↓

and then you were just the face of the company.

company face

↓

You know what I mean? Oh, shit.

↓

What time is this Vanity Fair thing?

fair vanity

↓

It's tonight. I figure we're wheels up by 6:00,

figure tonight wheels

↓

then we can check into the hotel, shit, shave, and shit again.

check hotel shave

↓

- Get a cocktail. - What hotel?

cocktail hotel

↓

Eavesdropping. Well, if you must know,

must

↓

we got a suite at the Fairmont, and they're sending a car.

sending suite

↓

I think Richard deserves it. And then I figured tomorrow in the a.m.,

deserves figured richard tomorrow

↓

we would sleep in and have a nice brunch.

brunch sleep

↓

I don't have time for a brunch. I have to be back here.

brunch

↓

Come on, Eggs Benny, a little spinach tartar, you'll flirt with the waitress.

eggs flirt spinach waitress

↓

Killer. And, uh, we'll have a nice talk.

killer

↓

"Talk"? What about?

↓

You know, things, all sorts of themes.

sorts themes

↓

So tomorrow, you, me, brunch,

brunch tomorrow

↓

and, uh, one word. Frittata.

word

↓

Hey, fellas, is it me, or is it a bit chilly in here?

fellas

↓

What in God's name is that?

gods gods-name name

↓

What do you think it is? It's a jacket!

jacket

↓

Now, I only ordered one as a sample,

ordered sample

↓

but once I have your sizes, we can all have them.

sizes

↓

Why would we all want them? One is already too many.

↓

I don't mean in the house. I mean, like, in the world.

house world

↓

Now Gilfoyle, I have you at about a 40 long? Am I right?

↓

If my mother was naked and dead in the street,

dead mother naked street

↓

I would not cover her body with that jacket.

body cover jacket

↓

GM.

↓

Jared, now that you're here,

jared

↓

-we need two new tables in the game room. - Yeah?

game room tables

↓

Okay. Well, maybe against the doors?

doors

↓

Oh, hold on, there's more.

↓

And you guys give me shit for a tiny gold chain?

chain gold tiny

↓

I regret nothing. I'm going to get coffee.

coffee regret

↓

Hey, Brownie, you coming?

brownie coming

↓

I was thinking we'd hit the Philz on Middlefield.

thinking

↓

No, let's drive to the one on Forest Avenue.

avenue drive forest

↓

It's further from that jacket.

further jacket

↓

Claude, you're on pager duty until we get back.

duty pager

↓

Jared, can I borrow that jacket?

borrow jacket jared

↓

I sense you're doing something ironic with it,

ironic sense

↓

but I'm okay with that,

↓

because however unattractive this jacket may seem to you,

jacket unattractive

↓

once you slip it on, everything will change.

change slip

↓

It'll shake out its hair and take off its glasses, and before you know it, you'll be in love.

glasses hair itll love shake

↓

Jared, it's really fucking ugly.

fucking jared ugly

↓

Consider the tortoise.

consider tortoise

↓

As the fable teaches us,

↓

it may appear that he is losing in his race

appear losing race

↓

against his nemesis, the insolent and cocksure hare.

hare insolent nemesis

↓

But appearances can be deceiving.

appearances

↓

Gavin, the tortoise. Is it Endframe?

tortoise

↓

Yes. But there's more.

↓

- The hare is Pied Piper. -Indeed it is. Someone's read their Aesop.

hare indeed piper read someones

↓

We've also read the financials, Gavin.

read

↓

Between Nucleus and EndFrame,

↓

you've burned through three-quarters of $1 billion,

billion burned quarters three

↓

with virtually nothing to show for it.

virtually

↓

Two weeks ago,

weeks

↓

on the heels of powering down the entire Hooli campus for seemingly no reason,

campus entire heels reason

↓

you lost all of EndFrame's senior engineers.

engineers lost senior

↓

I grant you, we've stumbled on offense of late,

grant late offense stumbled

↓

but the best offense is a good defense.

best defense offense

↓

We've taken a page out of Apple's playbook

apples page taken

↓

and are currently "reviewing" the Pied Piper app for sale

currently piper reviewing sale

↓

in our Hooli store at a pace one might call "tortoise-like."

might pace store tortoise

↓

Don't. They hate that.

hate

↓

In any case, I have it on good authority

authority case

↓

that it may be some time before Pied Piper is available on Hooli OS devices.

available devices piper

↓

We're making it available immediately.

available immediately

↓

Sorry?

↓

You're fighting a war that's already ended, Gavin. Pied Piper won.

ended fighting piper

↓

We called this board meeting to inform you

board board-meeting called inform meeting

↓

that it's time for Hooli to let go and move on without you at the wheel.

wheel

↓

I'm sorry, without me? Are you firing me?

firing

↓

Our intention is simply to transition you

intention simply transition

↓

into a more appropriate role within the company,

appropriate company role

↓

one with less oversight of day-to-day operations.

less operations

↓

You're putting me on the fucking roof?

fucking putting roof

↓

You could always choose to move on, Gavin. Up to you.

choose

↓

I built this company with my bare hands in my fucking garage.

bare bare-hands built company fucking garage hands

↓

Where were you when I was doing that?

↓

Gavin?

↓

These animals?

animals

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

Well, uh, you are certainly more than qualified to be our new head of PR.

certainly head qualified

↓

Laurie thinks you're great.

laurie thinks

↓

Um, to be honest, we could use the help.

honest

↓

All the media stuff has been pretty overwhelming, especially lately.

especially lately media overwhelming stuff

↓

- If Marissa Mayer can do it, so can you. - Oh.

↓

And you're available immediately?

available immediately

↓

I am. I do have one question for you guys.

question

↓

Is everything here cool?

cool

↓

Is it cool?

cool

↓

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'm cool.

cool

↓

- Yeah, he is cool. - Uh-huh.

cool

↓

Clearly, but is there anything you guys want to tell me about the company?

company

↓

What, like, uh...

↓

All right, look, this is weird,

weird

↓

but when I was in Laurie's office yesterday,

office yesterday

↓

I saw a piece of paper on her desk.

desk paper piece

↓

Well, she can be a bit untidy.

↓

It was a sale of a big block of Pied Piper stock.

block piper sale stock

↓

Is someone on the inside

↓

-dumping shares right as you're launching? - What?

dumping shares

↓

No. No, absolutely not.

absolutely

↓

'Cause that would be a pretty severe signaling risk.

risk severe

↓

I mean, you don't have to be in PR

↓

to know that insiders only dump stock like that

dump stock

↓

when they know something is wrong.

↓

The bulk of my compensation here would be options,

bulk compensation options

↓

and if those aren't going to be worth anything...

worth

↓

Yeah. No. No, no, no.

↓

That is not happening, okay? Nothing is going on here.

↓

- Yeah, except excellence. - Okay.

excellence except

↓

Well, you let me know what you want to do and I'll think about it.

↓

Okay. Oh.

↓

Um, well, thanks for coming.

coming thanks

↓

What the hell was that?

↓

Maybe it was a negotiating tactic?

tactic

↓

Monica.

↓

It's Monica.

↓

Well, let's not jump to conclusions.

conclusions jump

↓

I mean, she's the only one who's bought a jacket.

bought jacket

↓

Jared, she's the only one who hates the platform.

hates jared platform

↓

There's no other explanation for this. Okay? Monica fucked us.

explanation fucked

↓

She pulled down our pants and fucked us in front of our parents.

front fucked pants parents pulled

↓

Did some... Richard, did somebody do that to you?

richard somebody

↓

No. No, I don't know why...

↓

Oh, boy, it is chilly.

↓

Good thing I brought this sweet jiz-acket.

brought sweet

↓

Hey, friend? We came here together.

friend

↓

I know what you're doing.

↓

You think you're embarrassing me,

embarrassing

↓

but that's only the secondary effect of that shitty jacket.

effect jacket secondary shitty

↓

The primary effect is

effect primary

↓

that you look like a douchebag.

douchebag

↓

Let me put this in terms you'll understand.

terms

↓

I'm like a suicide bomber of humiliation.

humiliation suicide

↓

I'm happy to go out as long as I take you with me.

happy

↓

Your shame is my paradise.

paradise shame

↓

'Sup, ladies?

ladies

↓

What you noshing on? Cranberry scone?

cranberry

↓

My friend Dinesh here has a little crush on you. He's shy.

crush friend

↓

I don't know him.

↓

Oh, he plays coy.

plays

↓

I don't know why he's so shy.

↓

Excuse me. I noticed your jacket.

excuse jacket noticed

↓

Do you work for Pied Piper?

piper

↓

- Yeah. - Dude, your app is killin' it.

killin

↓

Everyone I know is installing it.

↓

Do you, seriously? I just downloaded it last night.

downloaded night

↓

- Yeah? - Do you mind if we get a picture?

mind picture

↓

- With me? - Yeah. Everybody get in.

everybody

↓

If you want it.

↓

- Thanks. - Thanks, bro.

thanks

↓

Hey, man, did you remember to put money in the meter?

meter money remember

↓

Hi, I'm Dinesh. l work at Pied Piper.

piper

↓

Excuse me, do I know you?

excuse

↓

Gilfoyle.

↓

He's a fuckin' dick, but I love him, though.

dick fuckin love

↓

You have me confused with someone else.

confused

↓

My name's clearly Jared, and if you would excuse us, you were interrupting.

excuse interrupting jared names

↓

No, he's lying. His name is Gilfoyle. Show them your driver's license.

drivers drivers-license license lying name

↓

Jared asked you nicely to step back, so step the fuck back.

asked fuck jared nicely step

↓

You're being a dick, and you're cutting in line.

cutting dick line

↓

You heard him. You're being a dick.

dick heard

↓

- Boy, some people. - What a creep.

creep

↓

Sorry you had to deal with that, Jared.

deal jared

↓

You and me both, friend.

friend

↓

This is Monica.

↓

Is it? Because apparently everything else that comes out of your mouth is a lie.

apparently comes mouth

↓

Shit.

↓

Look, Richard, I totally understand if you're pissed at me,

pissed richard

↓

but please know that I tried as hard as I could to get him to tell you.

hard tried

↓

Oh, really? Well, that's not what he said.

↓

Oh, really? What exactly did he say?

↓

He said that he found it on a piece of paper in Laurie's office.

found office paper piece

↓

What? Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Who's the "he" that you're talking about?

↓

You know who. David.

david

↓

My brother?

brother

↓

What?

↓

Who the fuck... I don't know.

fuck

↓

No, David, the fucking PR guy

david fucking

↓

who's not going to take a job with us because of what you did.

↓

Richard, I am totally lost. What exactly do you think I did?

lost richard

↓

You can play dumb all you want to.

dumb

↓

It won't change the one thing that both you and I know is true.

change

↓

You dumped your stock.

dumped stock

↓

What? No. I didn't dump a single share of my Pied Piper stock.

dump piper share single stock

↓

- I swear. - Well, then who the fuck did?

fuck swear

↓

And make sure that the money reads.

money reads

↓

I mean, Pied Piper is a billion-dollar company.

billion company dollar piper

↓

It's not just a unicorn.

unicorn

↓

All right, let's do some rearing.

↓

There we go.

↓

Now, let's let the horns sort of look like my dick.

dick horns

↓

Perfect.

perfect

↓

Are you fucking kidding me?

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

Richard.

richard

↓

Um, can we take a soft five?

five soft

↓

I was going to tell you. That's what tomorrow's brunch was for.

brunch tomorrows

↓

Brunch? You had 10 fucking days and you didn't say a thing.

brunch days fucking

↓

Fine. You want to know why I didn't tell you?

↓

Because it's fucking humiliating.

fucking humiliating

↓

I'm broke, Richard.

broke richard

↓

Did you hear me? I'm broke.

broke

↓

Erlich Bachman, the name that used to be synonymous with success,

name success used

↓

went broke and was forced to sell.

broke forced sell

↓

- I got royally fucked, Richard. - You got fucked?

fucked richard

↓

You're the one who threw a million-dollar party.

dollar million party threw

↓

- Yeah, but it was a great party. - No one forced you to do that.

forced party

↓

Admit it, you fucked yourself.

admit fucked

↓

But I'm not gonna let you fuck my company.

company fuck

↓

I'm going to have to issue a press release explaining what you did and why.

explaining issue press release

↓

No, no, come on. This isn't out.

↓

-It's one PR guy. - That we know of, Erlich.

↓

How many other people saw that piece of paper?

paper piece

↓

How many people has this guy talked to?

talked

↓

This is Silicon Valley. Rumors spread like light speed here.

light rumors silicon silicon-valley speed spread valley

↓

How are we gonna get good people to work for us

↓

if they think something funky is going on with our stock?

funky stock

↓

How are we going to scale? This is gonna kill us.

kill scale

↓

Richard, do you know what happens if this goes public?

happens public richard

↓

- I'm Ron Wayne. - Who?

wayne

↓

Ron Wayne, the guy that owned 10% of Apple and sold it in 1976.

apple owned sold wayne

↓

No one in this town will work with me ever again.

town

↓

You want me to risk the entire future of Pied Piper,

entire future piper risk

↓

everything that I've worked for,

worked

↓

just to protect you from your own fucking incompetence?

fucking protect

↓

Richard, there's a 3% to 4% chance that this is going to get out on its own,

chance richard

↓

but there is 100% chance

chance

↓

that if you issue a press release no one will ever take me seriously again.

issue press release

↓

My dignity is in your hands, Richard.

dignity hands richard

↓

Do with it what you will.

↓

Gavin? Is that you?

↓

Jack Barker. Nice plane.

jack plane

↓

Yours, too. Where are you headed?

headed

↓

I just needed to take a walk and clear my head.

clear head needed walk

↓

There's this great little hiking trail near my lodge in Jackson Hole.

hole jackson near trail

↓

Get out of here. I'm on my way up to J Hole myself.

hole

↓

Is that right? I thought you sold.

sold

↓

No, I just never go there.

↓

So how long you going for?

↓

Coming back tomorrow afternoon.

afternoon coming tomorrow

↓

- Me, too. - Oh, come on. Come on.

↓

Seriously, we need to find a couple hours, get together, catch up.

catch couple couple-hours hours

↓

I could tell you some war stories.

stories

↓

Well, I'd love that.

love

↓

I could tell you a few of my own.

↓

- Well, be well. - You, too.

↓

- Take care, Jack. - Yeah. See you.

care jack

↓

Gavin?

↓

Wait.

↓

Uh, what are we doing here?

↓

I mean, you're on your way to Jackson Hole, I'm going to Jackson Hole.

hole jackson

↓

You seem like you could use some company.

company

↓

- You play chess? - I do. Indeed.

chess indeed

↓

Fantastic.

fantastic

↓

I tell you, when we get up to altitude and the Wi-Fi kicks in,

altitude kicks

↓

I'm ActionJB62 on Hooli chat.

chat

↓

- Find me. - I will.

↓

- I'm glad we bumped into each other. - Me, too.

bumped glad

↓

- Really is a small world. -It's crazy.

crazy world

↓

Okay, well, uh, I think it reads well.

reads

↓

And it's all in there. This will definitely set the record straight.

record record-straight straight

↓

Then again, you're basically lighting Erlich on fire.

fire lighting

↓

So what? He fucked the company.

company fucked

↓

He potentially fucked the company.

company fucked potentially

↓

Are you kidding me? Gilfoyle, back me up here.

kidding

↓

This is thorny.

↓

How is this even a question for you guys?

question

↓

Honestly. I mean, it's not like he's going to be out on the street.

street

↓

He just sold 10% of a company that's valued at least $50 million,

company least million sold

↓

and now, suddenly, we're giving him the benefit of the doubt?

benefit doubt giving suddenly

↓

Well, it sounds mighty Christian of you, Gilfoyle.

christian mighty sounds

↓

There's no reason for hate speech, Richard.

hate reason richard speech

↓

I can see by the sour, pinched expressions on all your faces

faces pinched sour

↓

that Richard has filled you in regarding the unfortunate circumstances

circumstances filled regarding richard unfortunate

↓

that have forced me to relinquish my stake in your fair company.

company fair forced stake

↓

Erlich, you should know that I have written a press release.

press release written

↓

- Oh? - I'm not going to release it yet,

release

↓

but if I hear wind of these rumors spreading out of control,

control rumors spreading wind

↓

I'm going to send it to every tech publication and blog on the face of the Earth.

earth face send tech

↓

Do you understand?

↓

- Even UPROXX? - Yes, even them.

↓

Also, uh...

↓

This is the check for next month's use of the house as our office,

check house months office

↓

but we'll be out by the end of the month.

month

↓

Richard, it doesn't have to be like this.

richard

↓

From this point forward, you will have nothing to do with this company whatsoever.

company forward point whatsoever

↓

I'm replacing you on the board, and I'm giving your seat to Jared.

board giving jared replacing seat

↓

- So that's it then. - Yes.

↓

So I guess we better get ready for that Vanity Fair event.

event fair ready vanity

↓

What?

↓

Did you not listen to a word I just said?

word

↓

I heard thousands of words about rumors and the need to contain them.

heard rumors thousands words

↓

What do you think would happen if I didn't show up to this Vanity Fair event?

event fair happen vanity

↓

I've already RSVP'd

↓

and given them a list of phony dietary restrictions just to cause a scene.

given list phony restrictions scene

↓

I told them I was pesca-pescatarian.

↓

Which is one who eats solely fish who eat other fish.

eats fish solely

↓

I think my absence would be noted.

absence noted

↓

- Erlich brings up a good point. -It's true.

brings point

↓

Let us not forget Meinertzhagen's...

forget

↓

Yes, yes, Meinertzhagen's Haversack.

↓

We all remember his sack.

remember sack

↓

Okay, fine. Yeah.

↓

Sure. You can come. I can't stop you.

↓

Uh, I'll be taking the car and the hotel room and you're going to have to drive yourself.

drive hotel hotel-room room

↓

Consider it my farewell dinner.

consider dinner farewell

↓

See you at the event.

event

↓

- Jared, are you okay? -It's just so many emotions.

emotions jared

↓

The board seat. I feel regret and a glee that you would choose to honor me,

board choose honor regret seat

↓

and terror at not living up to your expectations,

expectations living terror

↓

and compassion for Erlich's loss.

compassion loss

↓

Oh, Donald, you've come undone.

donald undone

↓

You still want him on the board?

board

↓

Hi, there. Checking in. Richard Hendricks.

checking richard

↓

Fuck me. Hey, Richie.

fuck richie

↓

Oh, God. Hey, Russ.

↓

What's up, boy genius? You here fucking?

fucking genius

↓

Huh? No. No, no, no fucking.

fucking

↓

Just here for the Vanity Fair dinner.

dinner fair vanity

↓

Oh, yeah, I know that stupid dinner.

dinner stupid

↓

Bunch of VC douchebags jerking each other off.

bunch jerking

↓

Speaking of, I got this girl at the bar,

girl speaking

↓

I'm trying to take her up to the presidential suite

presidential suite

↓

before her fucking bridesmaids ruin the whole thing,

fucking ruin whole

↓

but they're telling me it's booked.

booked telling

↓

Who is it? Is it Gore? Fuck that guy.

fuck gore

↓

- Oh, God. - I saw Pied Piper launched.

piper

↓

Haven't tried it, probably won't.

tried

↓

I don't even want to think about how fucked I got missing out on Erlich's shares. Fuck.

fuck fucked missing shares

↓

Wait, he tried to sell you his shares?

sell shares tried

↓

Well, half of them. He was pretty desperate to stay on the team.

desperate half team

↓

Well, he didn't mention anything about this to me.

mention

↓

Of course not. Why would he? It's fucking humiliating losing all your money.

course fucking humiliating losing money

↓

You think when I dropped below $1 billion I walked around telling everybody? Fuck no.

billion dropped everybody fuck telling telling-everybody walked

↓

You guys were the only ones who knew,

ones

↓

and I actually thought about having you killed.

having killed

↓

- I'm sorry, what? - So Erlich and I, like two weeks ago,

weeks

↓

we had a contract ready.

contract ready

↓

Five mil I was gonna pay him for half his shares.

five half shares

↓

It was a win-win. Then that robot, Laurie Bream,

laurie robot

↓

sweeps in and cockblocks the whole thing.

whole

↓

She forces him to sell her all his shares. You think she's gay?

forces sell shares

↓

Maybe. It hasn't come up. I... So wait, she outbid you?

↓

Outbid me? No, she didn't have to.

↓

You don't even know how your own fucking company works?

company fucking works

↓

All right, Mr. Hendricks, we have you staying one night in a deluxe double.

deluxe double night staying

↓

Okay, do you have a tub in that room?

room

↓

Does he have a tub in that room?

room

↓

I don't know. There's no way of telling.

telling

↓

You know what? Fuck it. I'm gonna take her to the W.

fuck

↓

She's so drunk she won't know the difference. See you around, Richie.

difference drunk richie

↓

Hey, it's C.J.

↓

Listen, I'm hearing a rumor about some serious ugliness going on at Pied Piper.

hearing piper rumor serious ugliness

↓

I've heard it from three different people now. You need to call me.

heard three

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

What in God's name is the reason to get a higher education?

education gods gods-name higher name reason

↓

You can just buy a megafreeze for 35 cents.

cents

↓

Laurie, can I talk to you for a second?

laurie second

↓

Yes, uh, Richard Hendricks, do you know Mark Pincus?

mark richard

↓

Hello. Big fan.

↓

Oh, okay. Yes. Um...

↓

- Sorry, just one second. - Yes. All right.

second

↓

I'm sorry to cut away like this. We can continue discussing this.

continue discussing

↓

Okay, uh, look, I know Erlich sold you all of his shares.

shares sold

↓

I'm just wondering exactly how that happened.

happened wondering

↓

Ah, yes. It was one of my finer moments.

moments

↓

Erlich came to me with an outside offer to sell half of his Pied Piper shares.

half offer piper sell shares

↓

To Russ Hanneman for $5 million. Yes, I know.

million

↓

But somehow you ended up with all of his shares. How?

ended shares

↓

Oh, well, as you know, the same onerous terms you accepted

accepted terms

↓

when you took Russ Hanneman's money,

money

↓

they transferred to me when I bought him out.

bought transferred

↓

These included the right to block any transfer of stocks

block included stocks transfer

↓

with a majority vote of the board. A board which I control.

board control majority vote

↓

- I don't understand. - Of course you do.

course

↓

If I have approval of any buyer, and I am the only buyer I approve,

approval approve buyer

↓

then I can set my own price.

price

↓

So I asked Mr. Bachman for a thorough accounting of his debts,

accounting asked debts

↓

which ran to approximately $713,000.

approximately

↓

And how much did you give him?

↓

$713,000.

↓

Jesus. So, he walked away with nothing.

jesus walked

↓

Oh, yes. And so as I said, you're the one who accepted these terms,

accepted terms

↓

so you're the one who enabled this action on my part.

action part

↓

All credit goes to you, Richard. Excuse me.

credit excuse richard

↓

Dick. Dick Costolo. One moment.

dick moment

↓

I need to speak with you.

speak

↓

It's expensive to replant.

expensive

↓

No. The vines are bad. The soil is bad.

soil

↓

Excuse me, what is that?

excuse

↓

That's pesca-pescatarian.

↓

- It's fish that... - Actually, just bring me one of those.

bring fish

↓

- Me, too. - Yeah, waiter, I'll take one, too.

waiter

↓

- I want one. - I want one of those also.

↓

Wait, hey, hey, I'd like that also.

↓

Excuse me, if he's having one, I want one.

excuse having

↓

You're getting that, I want it, too. Excuse me!

excuse

↓

Hey, I thought you were at the dinner.

dinner

↓

I left.

left

↓

Erlich never showed. Is he here?

showed

↓

Yeah. He's hiding in the backyard.

backyard hiding

↓

Why?

↓

Have you not seen the article?

article seen

↓

No.

↓

"Is Erlich Bachman the Dumbest Man in Tech"?

dumbest tech

↓

What the hell is this? I never sent anything out.

sent

↓

- Who did they talk to? - Erlich.

↓

This is C.J.'s blog. He outed himself to protect Pied Piper.

piper protect

↓

Yeah, this is way harsher than anything you ever wrote.

wrote

↓

Plus, there's the visual component.

component plus visual

↓

Speaking of... Where's your jacket, Jared?

jacket jared speaking

↓

That was quite a piece.

piece

↓

Informative. Thorough.

↓

You certainly know how to make an impact.

certainly impact

↓

And I guess I don't have to worry about any rumors coming out.

coming rumors worry

↓

Those are handled.

handled

↓

You know, Erlich, uh, Pied Piper still needs a head of PR.

head needs piper

↓

You seem to be well-versed in media outreach.

media outreach

↓

And by your own admission in that article, your head is, uh, what did you say,

admission article head

↓

so far up your own ass you can see the future.

future

↓

And that could be useful.

useful

↓

If we need a pre-cog...

↓

...in away.

↓

Uh, I don't know if you're available, so...

available

↓

Are you offering me a job?

offering

↓

Well, we have a good option package.

option package

↓

It won't be quite what you had, but it's something.

↓

That's very generous.

generous

↓

So things could go back to the way they were before.

↓

Well, no. No. Not exactly the way they were.

↓

No, no. Uh, well, this would be an actual job and you would have responsibilities.

actual responsibilities

↓

Would this job have a title?

title

↓

Something, say, Chief Evangelism Officer?

chief officer

↓

So, "CEO"?

↓

- Oh, my goodness! - What the fuck was that?

fuck goodness

↓

Richard.

richard

↓

The Pied Piper app just got accepted into the Hooli store.

accepted piper store

↓

What? Holy shit.

holy

↓

Gavin Belson just presented us with his bare buttocks in submission.

bare presented submission

↓

We beat him. I don't hug. No.

beat

↓

Um, okay, hey, look, time to issue your first press release, right?

issue press release

↓

It's very late, Richard, and I'm very high.

late richard

↓

Erlich, I don't care.

care

↓

You have to do it, okay? Now.

↓

- It's your job. - Okay.

↓

All right.

↓

C.J. Cantwell.

↓

Erlich Bachman. The reason I'm calling

calling reason

↓

has absolutely nothing to do whatsoever with the fact that I own half of your blog

absolutely fact half whatsoever

↓

and everything to do with the fact

fact

↓

that I was just named Chief Evangelism Officer of Pied Piper.

chief named officer piper

↓

Feel free to abbreviate that, whatever acronym is most economical.

free

↓

And I have a story.

story

↓

Well, if it's anything like this last one, I am all for it.

↓

I am getting so many paid views on your tell-all.

paid views

↓

Everyone in the Valley is reading it.

reading valley

↓

Well, that's good. For you.

↓

At my expense, I guess.

expense

↓

Anyway, I had no choice.

choice

↓

As you said, it was going to come out one way or another.

another

↓

Why? No one knew about any of it until you told me.

↓

What do you mean? You said that you had heard from a bunch of people

bunch heard

↓

that there are all these rumors about ugly shit going down at Pied Piper.

piper rumors ugly

↓

That's literally the only reason that I told you any of this.

reason

↓

What? Oh, yeah, three different people told me

three

↓

that Pied Piper had the ugliest jackets they'd ever seen.

jackets piper seen theyd ugliest

↓

Jackets?

jackets

↓

I was going to do, like, a whole swag fail thing, you know?

fail whole

↓

That could have been cool, no?

cool

↓

Who the fuck cares about jackets?

cares fuck jackets

↓

Hey, come on, babe

babe

↓

Follow me

follow

↓

I'm the Pied Piper

piper

↓

Follow me, I'm the Pied Piper

follow piper

↓

And I'll show you where it's at

↓

Come on, babe

babe

↓

Can't you see?

↓

I'm the Pied Piper, trust in me

piper trust

↓

I'm the Pied Piper

piper

↓

And I'll show you where it's at

↓

Girl, don't be scared to move

girl scared

↓

Hey, babe, what are you tryin' to prove

babe prove tryin

↓

It ain't true that your life has kicked you

aint kicked life

↓

It's your mind and that's all that's trickin' you

mind

↓

So step in line

line step

↓

Hey, come on, babe, follow me

babe follow

↓

I'm the Pied Piper, follow me

follow piper

↓

I'm the Pied Piper

piper

↓

And I'll show you where it's at

↓

Come on, babe

babe

↓

Can't you see?

↓

Come on, babe, follow me

babe follow

↓

I'm the Pied Piper

piper