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Home » Silicon Valley » S02E04 — The Lady

Silicon Valley

Season 2, Episode 4 — The Lady

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: The Lady

Air date: May 03, 2015

Director: Alec Berg

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

Richard and Erlich disagree over a potential employee. Dinesh and Gilfoyle worry that someone they recommended for the company will be receiving more money than they make.

Source: TMDB

↓

Thanks for coming in and sitting down with us.

coming sitting thanks

↓

We're really excited to meet a few good engineers to join the Pied Piper team.

engineers excited join meet piper team

↓

So, why don't you tell us a little about yourself?

↓

I don't work before noon.

noon

↓

Or after 2:00 p.m.

↓

And I need to bring my dog to work. Are you dog-friendly?

bring friendly

↓

Oh, yeah, you can bring your dog to work.

bring

↓

That's not what I asked. Are you dog-friendly?

asked friendly

↓

Um...

↓

Nice pool. Can my dog go in?

pool

↓

Yeah, yeah, we're very dog-friendly.

friendly

↓

Is there a lifeguard?

lifeguard

↓

Um...

↓

'Cause my dog can't swim.

swim

↓

Now, it says here on your résumé that from 2010 to 2011, you "crushed it"?

crushed

↓

That's actually an old résumé.

↓

It should also read that I crushed it from 2013 to present.

crushed present read

↓

So, are we to understand that you did not "crush it" in 2012?

crush

↓

There was a medical situation preventing me from crushing it to my usual standards.

crushing medical situation standards usual

↓

So, I had to take some time off until I was able to crush it at 100%,

able crush

↓

at which point I resumed crushing it full-time.

crushing full point

↓

So, it says here that you're proficient in C++,

↓

code assembly for multiple processor architectures,

assembly code multiple

↓

and that you are a cyborg?

cyborg

↓

That is correct. Short for cybernetic organism.

correct short

↓

I came into this world of filth and pain with a congenital heart condition,

condition filth heart pain world

↓

requiring the installation of a pacemaker, upon which I am mortally dependent.

dependent

↓

Mmm.

↓

Wow. He's technically a cyborg.

cyborg technically

↓

Yeah, yeah. Makes the résumé accurate.

accurate makes

↓

Look, we all know that I can make a shitload more money

money shitload

↓

working for some multi-colored Happy Town in a hermetically-sealed box.

colored happy multi sealed town working

↓

But permission to be honest?

honest permission

↓

Permission granted.

granted permission

↓

Granted.

granted

↓

I like that you guys are so weird.

weird

↓

Hmm.

↓

Yes, we are the weird ones.

ones weird

↓

This morning, you put your soda cans in the green one.

cans green morning soda

↓

Okay? That's not right.

↓

The green is for grass and leaves.

grass green leaves

↓

Okay?

↓

The blue one is for recycling.

blue recycling

↓

Go ahead and put those in there.

ahead go-ahead

↓

Yeah.

↓

Very good. The black one is for all other trash.

black trash

↓

Do you understand?

↓

Yes. Which is for burning?

burning

↓

No, we don't burn trash in this country. It's illegal.

burn country illegal trash

↓

You never burn trash.

burn trash

↓

Okay, can you say that? "I never burn trash."

burn trash

↓

- I never burn trash. - Yes.

burn trash

↓

What about garbage?

garbage

↓

Motherfucker.

motherfucker

↓

Jared Patakian?

jared

↓

You know, this Patakian guy is definitely on some end of some spectrum,

spectrum

↓

but he is a full-stack engineer.

engineer full stack

↓

I mean, I'm sold. Jared, what do you think?

jared sold

↓

Well, he's qualified and he definitely seemed interested.

interested qualified seemed

↓

It's a programmer's market right now.

market

↓

I think if we like him, we should pursue him aggressively.

aggressively pursue

↓

My only concern here, and it's a small one, urn, he's also named Jared.

concern jared named

↓

Will it be confusing with two Jareds?

confusing

↓

If we hire him, I can always go back to my real name, Donald.

donald hire name real real-name

↓

No, that's too big a hassle. We'll just go with Other Jared.

hassle jared

↓

OJ, for short.

short

↓

I know a name is just a sound somebody makes when they need you,

makes name somebody sound

↓

but shouldn't this much-newer Jared be Other Jared?

jared

↓

You should be flattered.

flattered

↓

O.J. Simpson is one of the most recognizable people on the face of the planet.

face planet simpson

↓

Was that Jared Patakian I saw exiting the house?

house jared

↓

Yes, we just interviewed him. We think he's great.

↓

He actually is great. I tried to hire him for Aviato.

hire tried

↓

But then he took the offer, shopped it around town,

offer town

↓

and got more dough at a different gig.

dough

↓

I didn't care for the way that he handled it.

care handled

↓

So, I am going to have to err on the side of caution and say, "Pass-adena,"

caution pass side

↓

Trina.

↓

Well, I'm sorry that that happened to you, but you don't get to Pass-adena on anyone.

happened pass

↓

We've got to hire a lot of people, and he was the only one that we all agree on.

agree hire

↓

But this is my house. I'm on the board of this company.

board company house

↓

I mean, I must get dings, right?

dings must

↓

- Dings? - Like in a jury or Whose Line Is It Anyway?

dings jury line

↓

Erlich, thank you for letting us stay in your house

house letting

↓

while we figure out what we need office-wise. Really.

figure office wise

↓

But I'm sorry. You don't get a say in this.

↓

We're going to hire the android.

hire

↓

He's a cyborg, Richard.

cyborg richard

↓

The son of a bitch is a goddamned cyborg.

bitch cyborg goddamned

↓

Ladies and gentlemen of the press, distinguished guests. Question.

gentlemen guests ladies press question

↓

What is a moonshot?

↓

A moonshot is an idea so big, so bold as to be impossible.

bold idea impossible

↓

Until it is not.

↓

Magellan circumnavigating...

↓

There you are.

↓

Oh, sorry, I got lost. But I think I'm supposed to be here...

lost supposed

↓

Come on.

↓

Not so long ago, people called the idea of sending a man to the Moon a moonshot.

called idea moon sending

↓

But we did it, and that is just the beginning.

beginning

↓

No idea will be too big for our newest division, Hooli XYZ.

division idea newest

↓

How long do I have to stay here? 'Cause lunch...

lunch

↓

Shh...

↓

And today, I'm pleased to announce that after some negotiations and arm-twisting,

announce pleased today twisting

↓

the brilliant Professor Davis Bannerchek,

brilliant davis professor

↓

a pioneer in robotics and founder of Somerville Dynamics,

founder pioneer

↓

has agreed to head up this new division.

agreed division head

↓

I give you Dr. Bannerchek,

↓

the one and only man fit to be the first head dreamer of Hooli XYZ.

head

↓

Also, I give you the one and only man fit to be his co-head dreamer,

head

↓

our very own Nelson Bighetti, otherwise known around here as Baghead.

known nelson otherwise

↓

- Come on up here, Baghead. - What?

↓

He also co-founded Pied Piper right here at Hooli.

founded piper

↓

I'm not sure I understand.

↓

You are being promoted.

promoted

↓

Being named co-head dreamer carries with it a significant pay increase,

carries head increase named significant

↓

greater equity, more favorable vesting schedule.

greater schedule

↓

See, but I really like the job I had.

↓

You know, I was perfectly happy there.

happy perfectly

↓

It was kind of the perfect level of involvement for me, I think.

involvement level perfect

↓

And also, that other guy, Bannerchek, he did not really seem to like me very much.

↓

Oh, he does not. And he wanted you to know

wanted

↓

that he moved four school-aged children and his elderly mother across the country

aged children country four mother moved school

↓

in order to run Hooli XYZ on his own.

order

↓

He was very clear about that.

clear

↓

And he wanted me to convey that to you.

wanted

↓

Have I done that?

↓

Yeah. So, what is my job exactly?

↓

Well, that's actually... That's up to you. You can do whatever you want.

↓

Okay. See, that's sort of what I do now, though.

↓

But starting today, you can do it in a much more significant way.

significant starting today

↓

So, enjoy your new office.

enjoy office

↓

Wait, this is my office?

office

↓

Sorry to interrupt. The photographer's here.

interrupt

↓

Photographer?

photographer

↓

From WIRED magazine, for the profile they're doing on you.

magazine profile wired

↓

Sorry, who are you?

↓

Your assistant.

assistant

↓

What?

↓

Okay, Richard, last interview of the day.

interview richard

↓

Dinesh, Gilfoyle, this is someone you guys recommended I contact,

contact recommended

↓

Carla Walton?

carla

↓

Yeah, we hung out with her a bunch at the last SF vid/tech meet-up.

bunch hung meet tech

↓

Her code is fucking great.

code fucking

↓

She was head of engineering at EarCast?

engineering head

↓

She was engineering at EarCast. She built that whole system on her own.

built engineering system whole whole-system

↓

You know what else excites me here?

↓

There's a distinct over-representation of men in this company. Look around.

company representation

↓

I think it would behoove us to prioritize hiring a woman.

hiring prioritize woman

↓

I disagree, OJ.

disagree

↓

We should hire the best person for the job, period.

best hire period person

↓

And Carla is one of the best.

best carla

↓

Right, let me rephrase.

↓

I think having a woman in the company is important,

company having woman

↓

but hiring someone only because they're a woman is bad.

hiring woman

↓

I would never compromise Pied Piper.

compromise piper

↓

Okay, just to be clear,

clear

↓

our top priority is to hire the most qualified person available, right?

available hire person priority qualified

↓

Of course.

course

↓

But it would be better if that someone was a woman

woman

↓

even though the "woman" part of that statement is irrelevant?

irrelevant part statement woman

↓

Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need Yoko.

yoko

↓

That's the worst example you could have used.

example used worst

↓

I'm using VP9 ABR to reduce bits and using WebRTC to carry the bulk of the load via P2P.

bits bulk carry load reduce using

↓

So, basically, I pay for one tiny-ass outgoing stream

stream tiny

↓

and the user's ISP picks up the whole tab.

picks users whole

↓

The users pay for all that bandwidth, not you? Wow.

users

↓

That could save us a ton of money.

money save

↓

Yeah, a shit ton.

↓

And do you think you could integrate it into our platform by January in time for CES?

january platform

↓

Look, I'm not going to get in your way.

↓

You know, you design the engine. I just assemble the car.

assemble design engine

↓

I could have an alpha of that up in a solid weekend of hacking.

alpha hacking solid weekend

↓

Wow. Cool.

cool

↓

Plus, I could count on one hand the number of people on Earth

count earth hand number plus

↓

who could handle sitting in a room with Dinesh and Gilfoyle all day. So...

handle room sitting

↓

All of that.

↓

Plus, you're a woman.

plus woman

↓

What?

↓

No, I just mean we would absolutely love to have a strong woman working here.

absolutely love strong woman working

↓

I'm not a woman "engineer." I'm an engineer.

engineer woman

↓

- Don't, don't, don't. - Okay, no, no.

↓

Oh, no, yes, of course.

course

↓

We want to hire the best people who happen to be women,

best happen hire women

↓

regardless of whether or not they are women.

regardless whether women

↓

That part is irrelevant.

irrelevant part

↓

Are you doing that interviewing thing

↓

where you try to rattle somebody to see if they freak out or not?

freak rattle somebody

↓

Uh, sadly no. This is... That's just Jared.

jared sadly

↓

I wouldn't know how to do that.

↓

Well, I am aggressively unemployed right now.

aggressively unemployed

↓

So, why don't you give me a call when you know what you want to do?

↓

- Great. - All right.

↓

Great. All right, I'll show you out.

↓

Oh, lucky me.

lucky

↓

I loved The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

dragon girl loved tattoo

↓

So?

↓

So, she's actually bad-ass.

↓

Yeah, we told you, right?

↓

We have to hire that person.

hire person

↓

Are you shitting me?

shitting

↓

You see this, Richard? What is this?

richard

↓

A Spoon?

spoon

↓

It's a wide spoon. In fact, the only spoon type that is left in this drawer.

drawer fact left spoon type wide

↓

I specifically posted a note on the refrigerator saying

note posted refrigerator specifically

↓

that the more narrow spoons be reserved for the eating for Fage yogurt by me.

eating narrow reserved spoons yogurt

↓

Look at this.

↓

The angle's all wrong.

↓

Aren't you supposed to just tip that little plastic cup part up

part plastic supposed

↓

and dump the jam into the yogurt?

dump yogurt

↓

How would you know that? Have you been eating my FAGE yogurts?

eating

↓

No, I saw it on the billboards.

billboards

↓

Well, what they don't tell you on the billboards

billboards

↓

is that you can't get all of it out.

↓

Look at that! You have to dig it out.

↓

But you can't dig it out with these big-as-hell, wide fucking spoons.

fucking spoons wide

↓

This isn't about the spoons, is it, Erlich?

spoons

↓

This is about Jared Patakian.

jared

↓

This is about me not letting you tell me who I can or can't hire.

hire letting

↓

Or maybe it's about the fact that you're the one who's been using my narrow spoons?

fact narrow spoons using

↓

Okay.

↓

You and I both have to get ready for a board meeting.

board board-meeting meeting ready

↓

Can we just stop with the nonsense?

nonsense

↓

- Nonsense? - Yeah.

nonsense

↓

- This is nonsense? - Yeah.

nonsense

↓

You know, half the yogurt's gonna go unused

half

↓

because one quarter of the jam can't come out.

quarter

↓

Thank you for hosting. You have a lovely home.

home lovely

↓

Yeah, I do.

↓

I like this painting.

painting

↓

Is it sperm?

sperm

↓

No, three commas.

three

↓

Know what has three commas in it, Richard?

richard three

↓

Uh... A sentence with two appositive phrases in it?

phrases sentence

↓

No, a billion dollars.

billion billion-dollars dollars

↓

Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club.

club three

↓

You know, you play your cards right, you could be in the three-comma club, too.

cards club three

↓

But probably not. But you could be. But probably not.

↓

There she is.

↓

Say hello to tonight's fifth board member, my girlfriend Nastia.

board board-member fifth girlfriend member tonights

↓

Charmed.

charmed

↓

- Hello. - Hi.

↓

Hello.

↓

Ah!

↓

You are Jew.

↓

Episcopalian, actually.

↓

Jew, good at business.

business

↓

My baby's got some ideas about Jews,

babys ideas jews

↓

some good, some bad.

↓

- Cool, cool. - Dad?

cool

↓

Oh! Hey there, buddy.

buddy

↓

Hello.

↓

Who's this? Another board member?

another board board-member member

↓

Aspen, it's time for bed.

aspen

↓

I don't want to go to bed.

↓

I'm sorry, buddy. It's not up to me.

buddy

↓

I need you to cooperate, Aspen.

aspen

↓

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...

eight five nine seven

↓

Fine.

↓

...four, three... Good boy, Aspen.

aspen four three

↓

What the hell is that?

↓

Company I'm funding. We call it The Lady.

company funding lady

↓

I press a button, and The Lady tells Aspen when it's time for bed, time to take a bath,

aspen bath button lady press tells

↓

when his fucking mother's here to pick him up.

fucking mothers pick

↓

I get to be his friend and she's the bad guy.

friend

↓

I've disrupted fatherhood. It's visionary technology.

technology

↓

Okay, come on. Board meeting, bitches.

bitches board board-meeting meeting

↓

Aspen, remember to take your medication.

aspen medication remember

↓

Hey. Just remember, Russ only has two board seats.

board remember seats

↓

So, as long as we vote together, we can carry every vote.

carry vote

↓

Yeah, I'm familiar with the rules of a board meeting.

board board-meeting familiar meeting rules

↓

Okay.

↓

Okay, so, 409A valuation report and new ESOPs.

report

↓

Is there a motion to approve?

approve motion

↓

Great, it's unanimous. Approved.

approved

↓

Now we need to clear the equity packages we're offering to a couple prospective hires,

clear couple offering packages

↓

Carla Walton and Jared Patakian.

carla jared

↓

Fucking cyborg.

cyborg fucking

↓

Oh, um, Patakian is actually a solid engineer.

engineer solid

↓

We'd be foolish not to hire him.

foolish hire

↓

He's really good. So, all in favor?

favor

↓

Sounds like a good pick-up.

pick sounds

↓

Okay, four-to-one approved.

approved four

↓

All right, is there anything else we need to cover?

cover

↓

Yeah, I think we need to talk about getting some schwag.

↓

What?

↓

- Schwag!

↓

Schwag!

↓

- What is it? - Schwag.

↓

- Swag? - Schwag!

↓

What is it?

↓

Schwag.

↓

I actually don't know...

↓

I think we need to build on the success of our outdoor media campaign.

build campaign media success

↓

I'm talking Pied Piper mouse pads, puzzle cubes, fuckin' antenna balls.

balls cubes fuckin mouse pads piper puzzle

↓

Come on, I'm talking 30 grand. That's like a hand of blackjack. All in favor?

favor grand hand

↓

I mean, first billboards, now this?

billboards

↓

I... As it is, we're barely going to make it to January.

barely january

↓

Sorry.

↓

What?

↓

I think it's a really solid idea. I think we'd be foolish not to do it.

foolish idea solid

↓

Cool. So, three-to-two in favor. Schwag!

cool favor three

↓

I'll set you guys up with my marketing company. We'll give you a killer rate.

company killer marketing rate

↓

Question, who likes margaritas?

likes margaritas question

↓

Answer, everybody!

answer everybody

↓

Babe, go out back, grab some limes from the tree, all right?

babe grab limes tree

↓

Who likes schwag? This guy, this guy.

likes

↓

We gonna get our schwag on!

↓

What the fuck are you doing? You just cost us $30,000.

cost fuck

↓

I thought we agreed to present a unified front here.

agreed front present

↓

Well, if Richard wants a unified front,

front richard wants

↓

then maybe Richard should do a better job at unifying it.

richard

↓

Why are you such a dick?

dick

↓

Why are you unable to listen to people who know what they're talking about?

unable

↓

Speaking of Mexico, I'm supposed to go to Cabo tomorrow,

mexico speaking supposed tomorrow

↓

but I got roped into buying these two tickets

buying roped tickets

↓

to the Muir Woods preservation thing tomorrow night.

night tomorrow tomorrow-night woods

↓

Sean Parker's charity? That's a big event.

charity event sean

↓

Gonna be a lot of members of the three-comma club there. Am I right?

club members three

↓

Total asshole parade. Anyone want these stupid things?

asshole parade stupid total

↓

Yeah, I'm down.

↓

Uh, and, Richard, no, you can't come.

richard

↓

- But, Monica... - No.

↓

Okay.

↓

Hey, babe. Babe, I said limes. Limes.

babe limes

↓

She's honestly so fucking stupid.

fucking fucking-stupid stupid

↓

Yeah.

↓

She doesn't even know what I'm saying right now.

↓

And until we get real office space, I guess we could just put you right here.

office real space

↓

And we could put Patakian here.

↓

I hope you don't mind sitting next to a cyborg.

cyborg hope mind sitting

↓

Does he fart a lot and smell like onions?

fart onions smell

↓

Well, he is a coder.

↓

Well, I'd say I'm not getting paid enough to deal with this crap, but I so am, so...

deal paid

↓

You know, if it's cool, I'm going to get some stuff out of my car to dump here.

cool dump stuff

↓

I know I don't start till Monday, but I want to get it cleaned out before I trade it in.

cleaned monday start till trade

↓

You're getting a new car?

↓

Yeah, yeah. Mercedes HYBRID.

↓

- It's pretty dope. - That sounds expensive.

dope expensive sounds

↓

- Guys? - It is.

↓

Richard has something very important to tell you.

richard

↓

Yes.

↓

So, Jared has informed me that as CEO,

informed jared

↓

I need to be able to answer any questions that you might have

able answer might questions

↓

about Pied Piper's harassment policy and workplace code of conduct.

code conduct harassment policy workplace

↓

Apparently, every company our size has to have one of those.

apparently company size

↓

So, essentially, if you find the workplace hostile in any way,

essentially hostile workplace

↓

you can submit a written complaint. It will be completely anonymous.

anonymous complaint completely submit written

↓

Essentially, don't do or say anything that might offend anyone.

essentially might offend

↓

Okay? Thank you. That's the policy.

policy

↓

- Okay. - Guys, um,

↓

this is actually pretty serious.

serious

↓

I mean, we're all cool here, but we know each other.

cool

↓

So, obviously, when Dinesh calls me Retarded Frankenstein,

calls frankenstein obviously retarded

↓

or he describes me as AIDS Lady,

aids lady

↓

or Gilfoyle refers to me as effeminate k.d. Lang,

↓

I know this is a joke among friends.

among friends joke

↓

- It's not a joke. - We're not friends.

friends joke

↓

See, it's hilarious.

hilarious

↓

But, um, as we grow,

grow

↓

we're going to be adding a lot of new people to this company and to this office,

adding company office

↓

and some of them might not be as amused as I am by such strong language.

language might strong

↓

Lawsuits happen. So, questions?

happen lawsuits questions

↓

- Oh, uh, I have a question. - Mmm-hmm.

question

↓

My best friend's nickname is Cunty.

best best-friends friends nickname

↓

- I'm sorry, her name is... - Cunty.

name

↓

And I was hoping I could call her Cunty while I'm here.

hoping

↓

Okay, that one's easy. No, you cannot.

cannot easy ones

↓

'Cause, you know, I want to have Cunty come visit me for lunch,

lunch visit

↓

and if I can't call Cunty "Cunty,"

↓

then it's like, I'm not going to want to have Cunty over at all,

↓

which I feel, like, kind of violates my rights.

rights violates

↓

Yeah. Um, it does not...

↓

As a woman.

woman

↓

Okay, I'm going to have to get back to you on that one.

↓

Her best friend's nickname is Cunty.

best best-friends friends nickname

↓

- Okay. - Let's maybe get back to the kitchen

kitchen

↓

- so we can... - Okay, okay, okay.

↓

All right, I'm going to go clean out my shit box.

clean

↓

Nice bag.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Oh, look, D&G. It's like Dinesh & Gilfoyle. So, yeah.

↓

Okay, that was the third reference she's made to how much money she's making.

money reference third

↓

That's a $3,500 bag.

↓

How do you know? You have the same one?

↓

No, I have the fucking Internet.

fucking internet

↓

Hey, you don't think she's making more money than us, do you?

money

↓

No, we all have equalized pay, remember?

remember

↓

Yeah, me and you and Richard and Jared do, but not new hires.

jared richard

↓

It's the classic dilemma where the founders make less.

classic dilemma founders less

↓

We told Richard to get her no matter what it took.

matter richard

↓

Even if she is making more cash than us, which she isn't,

cash

↓

there's no way she has as much equity.

↓

You don't know that. And Richard won't tell us. It's confidential.

confidential richard

↓

I guess there's a reason for it.

reason

↓

It's so people don't get jealous and throw a hissy fit.

jealous throw

↓

I'm not jealous. I just want to make sure she's making less than me.

jealous less

↓

Hey, how do we find out how much she's getting paid here?

paid

↓

I have a plan.

plan

↓

Hey, Carla, how much money do you make here?

carla money

↓

Uh, Let's just say it's a big jump from my old job.

jump

↓

Right, but you probably got more equity there.

↓

Um, no, actually I get more equity here.

↓

What?

↓

Yeah. Why, what are you guys getting?

↓

Three points each.

points three

↓

Three? That's weird. I thought you got in at the beginning.

beginning three weird

↓

I have another plan.

another plan

↓

All right, Jian Yang, don't talk to anybody else.

anybody yang

↓

When we get inside, don't talk to me.

↓

- Good evening. - Here's the...

evening

↓

- Thank you. - Thank you.

↓

And how will you be paying, sir?

paying

↓

- Excuse me? - Your donation.

donation excuse

↓

What's your preferred method of payment?

method payment preferred

↓

Oh...

↓

No, these are already paid for. We're guests of Russ Hanneman.

guests paid

↓

Uh, yes, he reserved the tickets, but you have to pay for them.

reserved tickets

↓

Oh. Uh...

↓

Okay. And how much are they?

↓

$25,000.

↓

Um... So... But for both?

↓

No, no, no, per ticket.

ticket

↓

There's no possible way that we could pay that, so what do we do here?

possible

↓

Well, there are a number of other ways to help preserve the Muir Woods.

number preserve ways woods

↓

We do a volunteer clean-up program every weekend.

clean program volunteer weekend

↓

Yeah, I don't give a shit about the Muir Woods.

woods

↓

I need to get in there.

↓

Sir, if you can't pay for the tickets, I really don't see how that's possible.

possible tickets

↓

What if we do, like, a little in-and-out thing?

↓

I just go in there, 10 minutes, you know, have one cocktail, two, three max.

cocktail minutes three

↓

- He doesn't eat. He won't eat. - Yes, I'm hungry.

hungry

↓

Gentlemen, I'm going to need you to move aside for the other guests.

aside gentlemen guests

↓

You want me to email Russ Hanneman right now?

email

↓

You don't have Russ's email.

email

↓

But I have his... I have the phone number of the person who works in his office.

number office person phone phone-number works

↓

Does anybody have an extra ticket? My investor cannot pay.

anybody cannot extra investor ticket

↓

That's actually not true. Uh... I think they must have misplaced the tickets.

misplaced must tickets

↓

No, we have everyone's tickets here.

everyones tickets

↓

Can you please check? Erlich Bachman?

check

↓

E-R-I-C-H...

↓

That's not at all how it's spelled here.

spelled

↓

All right. Let's go, Jian.

↓

Have a nice night. Thank you.

night

↓

- Let's go. Come on. Come on. - Next.

↓

- Excuse me... - Come on. Let's go.

excuse

↓

- ...do you have a ticket? - God damn it! Jian Yang, come here!

ticket yang

↓

Do you have a ticket?

ticket

↓

Hey, Jian Yang. How was last night?

night yang

↓

It was sad.

↓

Erlich, he promised me dinner with a big meet.

dinner meet promised

↓

Big meat?

meat

↓

- Big meet people. - Meat people?

meat meet

↓

Then people say, "No, you can't come in."

↓

Wait, so you guys didn't get in?

↓

We went to Taco Bell.

bell taco taco-bell

↓

Erlich, he started crying in Taco Bell.

bell crying started taco taco-bell

↓

He tried to blame the taco sauce.

blame sauce taco tried

↓

- Richard? - Yes.

richard

↓

- OJ says you wanted to see me? - Yeah.

wanted

↓

Um...

↓

I don't want to say this, any of this, at all,

↓

but several employees have lodged a complaint against you.

complaint employees lodged several

↓

For what?

↓

Um...

↓

For making this a hostile workplace.

hostile workplace

↓

By, quote, "Repeatedly rubbing our fucking faces

faces fucking quote repeatedly rubbing

↓

"in the fact that Richard Hendricks is a pussy who gave a new hire more than us."

fact hire pussy richard

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

Interesting.

interesting

↓

And which two of the several lodged a complaint?

complaint lodged several

↓

Actually, our policy guarantees anonymity, so I can't tell you that.

guarantees policy

↓

Look, you and I both know how much you make.

↓

- Are you fucking with them? - Yeah, of course I'm fucking with them.

course fucking

↓

I bought a fake Dolce & Gabbana bag at a swap meet to piss them off

bought fake meet piss swap

↓

and apparently it did.

apparently

↓

And I lied and said I was getting a Mercedes.

lied

↓

I also left a fake credit-card statement open on my screen, because I thought they'd see it.

card credit fake left open screen statement theyd

↓

- Did they see it? - They saw it.

↓

- Yeah, sweet. - Okay.

sweet

↓

- Carla. - Okay, all right.

carla

↓

But what I used to do to fuck with them involved gay porn and Photoshop,

fuck involved porn used

↓

so I don't think that would be cool after OJ's big harassment speech.

cool harassment speech

↓

Oh. So, in effect, the policy worked.

effect policy worked

↓

Well, I... Can we not do any of it?

↓

It just that they're getting really pissed and it's really distracting.

distracting pissed

↓

All right.

↓

- No more Cunty. - Terrific.

terrific

↓

- That's really good. - Cunty's done.

↓

Great. But you said it again, but maybe that's the last time.

↓

Cunty's done. I'm gonna call you OJ, though.

↓

- Yeah, that's fine. - That's for good.

↓

Yeah, yeah, because in my head,

head

↓

I change the meaning from "Other Jared" to "Original Jared," so now it's a compliment.

change compliment jared meaning original

↓

If I have to, I'm going to keep my fucking Star Blazer VHS tapes in my room!

blazer fucking room star tapes

↓

It doesn't take an IQ-9 to know they should remain alphabetized.

remain

↓

I want to watch a specific episode. And it's not like they're on fucking DVD!

episode fucking specific watch

↓

Hey, um, Erlich, I just want to say this is your house

house

↓

and you've been really cool letting us stay here for all this time,

cool letting

↓

and as soon as we get our office space, we'll be out of your way.

office space

↓

And how soon is that going to be?

↓

Soon.

↓

And look, I realize it's not fair that I bring someone into your house

bring fair house realize

↓

that you don't want here,

↓

so I will call the cyborg and I will rescind the offer.

cyborg offer

↓

You know, Richard, I've been thinking, the cyborg is a solid coder.

cyborg richard solid thinking

↓

You should hire him.

hire

↓

It's fine, I'll get someone else.

↓

Don't be stupid, Richard.

richard stupid

↓

You need a full working beta up in the next few months. Just hire the guy.

beta full hire months working

↓

I'm not being stupid, okay? I'm not going to hire him.

hire stupid

↓

And frankly, I'm not going to let you bully me into doing it.

bully frankly

↓

Would you look at yourself? You're still not fucking listening to me.

fucking listening

↓

No, I'm trying to respect you, asshole.

asshole respect

↓

If you want to respect me, then just hire the piece of shit.

hire piece respect

↓

Don't act like a moron.

moron

↓

You're not going to kick Nucleus's ass acting like a fucking moron.

acting fucking kick moron

↓

You don't get to tell me how I respect you, okay?

respect

↓

I can respect you however the fuck I want.

fuck respect

↓

What are you doing?

↓

I'm respecting you.

respecting

↓

Jared, hey, it's, uh, Richard Hendricks from Pied Piper.

jared piper richard

↓

Yeah, bad news. We're not gonna...

news

↓

What?

↓

What's that?

↓

Where?

↓

Okay.

↓

Well, cyborg, fuck you, you fuckin'...

cyborg fuck fuckin

↓

- Metal-dick piece of shit. - Metal-dick piece of shit.

dick metal piece

↓

Ha-ha-ha.

↓

What happened?

happened

↓

He took another job

another

↓

from Russ fucking Hanneman.

fucking

↓

- What? - Yeah.

↓

Apparently, I said so much nice shit about him in the board meeting,

apparently board board-meeting meeting

↓

Russ offered him a job at one of his other fucking companies for a lot more money.

companies fucking money offered

↓

Our own investor poached him.

investor

↓

And he went? Fucking cyborg.

cyborg fucking

↓

Richard! You need to come see this.

richard

↓

What event could this possibly be used at?

event possibly used

↓

Are you happy?

happy

↓

Not really.

↓

They used the old logo.

used

↓

Do you smell something burning?

burning smell

↓

God damn it! Jian Yang!

yang