♥ Saved GIFs

Loading…

View all favorites →

Home » Rick and Morty » S03E10 — The Rickchurian Mortydate

Rick and Morty

Season 3, Episode 10 — The Rickchurian Mortydate

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Rick and Morty

Episode title: The Rickchurian Mortydate

Air date: October 01, 2017

Director: Anthony Chun

Top billed cast: Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, Sarah Chalke

Rick goes toe to toe with the President in this one broh.

Source: TMDB

↓

Come on, football! Go, go!

football

↓

Oh, come on.

↓

Play football!

football

↓

Aaah!

aaah

↓

So, you're mining stuff to craft with

craft mining stuff

↓

and crafting stuff to mine with?

crafting stuff

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

Did your dad write this game?

game write

↓

Mean.

↓

Gentlemen, you're needed by a friend in Washington!

friend gentlemen needed washington

↓

How clandestine.

↓

If they can teleport, why did we take --

teleport

↓

I just work here, Steve, same as you!

steve

↓

All right. All right, all right.

↓

Mr. President. It's about time, gentlemen.

gentlemen president

↓

Rick, do you need to drink in here?

drink rick

↓

Here's the adventure.

adventure

↓

Some kind of alien...googa

alien

↓

has infested the Kennedy Sex Tunnels.

infested kennedy tunnels

↓

I want it hunted down and taken out.

taken

↓

Kennedy Sex Tunnels?

kennedy tunnels

↓

Naturally, you'll forget you saw them,

forget naturally

↓

along with, in order of national embarrassment,

along embarrassment national order

↓

the Truman Cocaine Lounge, the McKinley Hooker Dump,

cocaine dump hooker lounge

↓

and the Lincoln Slave Coliseum.

lincoln slave

↓

He didn't free them all.

free

↓

And let me know when you're done.

↓

Maybe then we could get a selfie?

selfie

↓

Too busy, Morty. Now tell me about this summit.

busy morty summit

↓

Is it a peace one or a regular one?

peace regular

↓

Ugh. This sucks.

sucks

↓

God, tell me about it.

↓

Oh, man. If you're not into it --

↓

What do you mean? Why would I be into it?

↓

It's lame. You're into lame stuff, Morty.

lame morty stuff

↓

I thought young dumb people considered it an honor

considered dumb honor young

↓

to work for presidents or whatever the shit.

presidents

↓

Maybe the first few times, but this just sucks.

sucks times

↓

He treats us like Ghostbusters.

treats

↓

We should talk to him. Yeah, that sounds fun.

fun sounds

↓

Let's set some boundaries with a spoiled control freak

boundaries control control-freak freak spoiled

↓

that thinks he runs the world

runs thinks world

↓

and orders drone strikes to cope with his insecurity.

cope insecurity orders strikes

↓

It's either that or more of this.

↓

Third choice...

choice third

↓

"Minecraft." You like it now?

↓

Got to be honest, Morty.

honest morty

↓

It's growing on me.

growing

↓

Notify the president.

notify president

↓

What do I tell him?

↓

Tell him the truth.

truth

↓

Tell him Rick and Morty just blew off America.

america blew morty rick

↓

♪♪

↓

You can use that wood to make a chest.

chest wood

↓

Oh, good. Then I can store all this wood

store wood

↓

I'll need later for chest-making.

chest

↓

Okay. You're not going to have fun

fun

↓

if you analyze everything.

analyze

↓

This is what they'd rather do?

theyd

↓

It's all in the transcript.

transcript

↓

"Treats us like Ghostbusters."

treats

↓

So, Ghostbusters aren't cool now?

cool

↓

I don't recall signing that bill.

bill recall signing

↓

"Control freak."

control control-freak freak

↓

"Orders drone strikes to cope with..."

cope orders strikes

↓

"Insecurity."

insecurity

↓

Should we drone-strike them?

strike

↓

That would prove them right!

prove

↓

Give me the phone.

phone

↓

Is this game popular with autistic people?

game popular

↓

Why would you say something like that?

↓

'Cause I'm starting to love it.

love starting

↓

"Failure to answer is a felony offense"?

answer failure felony offense

↓

Play it cool. As far as he knows, we're still in the tunnels.

cool knows tunnels

↓

When should we reveal we can see them?

reveal

↓

We're holding all the cards right now.

cards holding

↓

We don't show any before the time is right.

↓

Awesome.

awesome

↓

Hi, guys. U.S. President calling.

calling president

↓

How's it going?

↓

Just hard at work on this sex tunnel gagoo.

hard tunnel

↓

I think it's kind of our new archnemesis, you know?

↓

It might take a while.

might

↓

What do you think, Morty -- a month?

month morty

↓

Fingers crossed, a month, yeah.

crossed fingers fingers-crossed month

↓

You lying dicks!

dicks lying

↓

I see your asses playing "Minecraft"!

asses playing

↓

I got you on satellite!

satellite

↓

That's right.

↓

What do you have to say for yourselves?

yourselves

↓

Okay, obviously, this looks bad, Mr. President.

obviously president

↓

I mean, what doesn't look bad

↓

through an illegal spy satellite?

illegal satellite

↓

Don't high-road me.

road

↓

The two of you break 1,000 federal laws a day.

break federal laws

↓

Wow, really?

↓

And, yes, yes, yes, yes, you save the world now and then.

save world

↓

America returns that favor

america favor returns

↓

by not holding the two of you accountable to its laws.

accountable holding laws

↓

Oh!

↓

We -- We didn't know you saw it that way.

↓

Well, it's nobody's fault.

fault nobodys

↓

We never had "the talk," so to speak.

speak

↓

Yeah. I mean, the way we see it,

↓

when we show up, that's the favor to you.

favor

↓

Especially, you know, when it turns out

especially turns

↓

you wanted someone to come over just because you found

found wanted

↓

an "X-Files" monster in your basement.

basement files monster

↓

As for the reason you've never, like, arrested us,

arrested reason

↓

we assumed you just knew that it was impossible,

assumed impossible

↓

like, if you tried.

tried

↓

You know, it wouldn't go well.

↓

Wouldn't go well? Can you elaborate?

elaborate

↓

I think one of your 1,000 laws says, no, I can't elaborate.

elaborate laws

↓

Just trust me. None of us want to go there.

trust

↓

Which we'll never have to.

↓

By the way, we'll keep on saving the Earth.

earth saving

↓

You know, we're -- we're happy to do that.

happy

↓

Yeah, but not because it contains America --

america

↓

because moving to a new version of Earth is a bitch and a half.

bitch earth half moving version

↓

But feel free to call us, you know, as -- as, like, friends.

free friends

↓

Yeah, like, if you ever want to take a selfie --

selfie

↓

So, are we cool?

cool

↓

Yes. Thank you, gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

I told you, man!

↓

I'm impressed, Morty. That went really well.

impressed morty

↓

Everybody, get ahold of yourselves!

ahold everybody yourselves

↓

Sir, what is our new Rick and Morty policy?

morty policy rick

↓

Our policy is, we never needed them and never will again.

needed policy

↓

Today, we celebrate our independence

celebrate independence today

↓

from Rick and Morty.

morty rick

↓

Everyone out.

↓

♪How can I move on from your love...♪

love

↓

All this spring at Clothes Mart, there's a clothes sale.

clothes mart sale spring

↓

Come on down to the clothes section.

clothes section

↓

I just put it on for fun. I know I can't buy it.

fun

↓

Oh, come on. You look great! You're only young once.

young

↓

Just promise, if the results are too strong,

promise results strong

↓

you'll use protection.

protection

↓

Really?! Thanks!

thanks

↓

When did you get rad? I don't know.

↓

Maybe I adjusted to the divorce and everything's new.

adjusted divorce everythings

↓

I'll say. I couldn't stand you

stand

↓

for more than an hour at a time before.

hour

↓

No -- No offense.

offense

↓

I like it. It's great. You're like a different person.

person

↓

Yeah.

↓

Different person.

person

↓

Gorgato

↓

Vamos! Vamos! Aaah!

aaah

↓

How do you like that, Morty?

morty

↓

Whoa! Just like "Minecraft"!

whoa

↓

Ooh, a tiny nuclear-capable species

capable nuclear species tiny

↓

just got discovered in the Amazon.

amazon discovered

↓

Let's go make first contact before someone else

contact

↓

gets all their shit.

↓

What about this?

↓

South Park did it 4 years ago, Morty.

morty park south south-park years

↓

They're fast.

fast

↓

Or we're slow.

slow

↓

Don't do it, guys.

↓

The casualties would be in the "Brazilians"

↓

because you're Brazilian.

↓

It's a threat and a pun.

threat

↓

Nobody gets me.

nobody

↓

Americanos! Pressa!

↓

Oh. Hello, Rick. You're here, too.

rick

↓

I guess this is a global crisis.

crisis global

↓

Oh, God.

↓

Mr. President, Morty and I have the situation covered.

covered morty president situation

↓

I'm sure you did.

↓

Dismissed.

dismissed

↓

Yeah, dismissed.

dismissed

↓

Not needed here. You can leave and nobody will care.

care needed nobody

↓

Have you never heard that before?

heard

↓

We're not taking it out.

↓

We're going to shrink down and approach them diplomatically.

approach shrink

↓

You shrink with pills? Are you still here?

pills shrink

↓

Shouldn't you be going down to your next version of Earth

earth version

↓

with your selfie-craving star-fucker sidekick?

craving fucker selfie sidekick star

↓

Whoa! We're allowed to be here.

allowed whoa

↓

You aren't president of the Amazon.

amazon president

↓

Yeah, I learned about your job in school.

learned school

↓

You're a civil servant.

civil servant

↓

We're technically your boss.

boss technically

↓

Oh, please, Morty.

morty

↓

You pay as many taxes as you have pubes.

pubes taxes

↓

Oh, I got pubes, Commander-in-Queef.

commander pubes queef

↓

You want to count them? Commander-in-Queef.

commander count queef

↓

That's it! Do it!

↓

Recognize the rare element Sanchez-eum?

element rare recognize sanchez

↓

We've been preparing for a Rick-level eventuality for some time.

level preparing rick

↓

You mean you've been ordering other people to prepare for it

ordering prepare

↓

while you sat on your ass at peace summits.

peace

↓

Peace summits are important!

peace

↓

Oh, yeah! They work great!

↓

We're really drowning in peace!

drowning peace

↓

You suck!

suck

↓

Task Force Alpha, prepare to shrink.

alpha force prepare shrink task

↓

Is there a Task Force Alpha health plan, by the way?

alpha force health plan task

↓

Because if those pills are based on subatomic compression,

based pills

↓

you could get a more curable cancer

cancer

↓

just walking through the mushroom clouds.

clouds mushroom walking

↓

God damn it! I'll do it.

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

Task Force Alpha is disbanded.

alpha force task

↓

And you two aren't American anymore!

american anymore

↓

I can say that. You're expatriated!

↓

If you step foot on homeland soil again,

foot homeland soil step

↓

I'll treat it as an invasion.

treat

↓

Is this supposed to be painful?

painful supposed

↓

Painful to watch.

painful watch

↓

Oh, such lame shrinking.

lame shrinking

↓

Oh, his clothes stay the same size?

clothes size

↓

'70s shrinking, party of one.

party shrinking

↓

Eat my shrinking ass!

shrinking

↓

There he goes. All right. Let's get out of here, Morty.

morty

↓

What the hell?!

↓

I made Sanchez-eum up, dumbasses.

sanchez

↓

Don't believe everything you read on Wikipedia.

believe read

↓

Stand down.

stand

↓

He's not afraid of pirates.

afraid pirates

↓

Oh! Run, Morty! That part was true!

morty part

↓

I-I can't talk now, sweetie. Oh, when can you?

sweetie

↓

- Good point. - What's up?

point

↓

Remember a little while ago when you said that, if I wanted,

remember wanted

↓

I could, like, leave Earth and wander the infinite cosmos

earth infinite wander

↓

to figure out who I am and that nobody would ever know I'd left

figure left nobody

↓

because you could replace me with a clone?

clone replace

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

Sorry. What?

↓

Did the real me choose to leave, and I only think I chose to stay

choose chose real

↓

because that's what I need to think

↓

because I'm the replacement Beth?

beth replacement

↓

No.

↓

And one more thing. If I were a clone, would you tell me?

clone

↓

Beth, you know, when -- when smart people get happy,

beth happy smart

↓

they stop recognizing themselves.

↓

And you are very smart because you're very much my daughter.

daughter smart

↓

Oh, God. You're right. I'm sorry.

↓

Thank you, Dad.

↓

All good?

↓

I'm fine now.

↓

And just to be sure, you're not pretending to be convinced you're real

convinced pretending real

↓

because you're actually convinced you're a clone

clone convinced

↓

and you're now terrified that becoming self-aware

aware becoming self terrified

↓

would mean I'd have to terminate you?

↓

No. Okay. Glad I could help.

glad

↓

See you soon.

↓

Aaaaaah!

↓

Where do I go?

↓

What does th-- What -- What -- What -- What does this mean?

↓

This means nothing.

↓

Pull forward and park.

forward park pull

↓

Then say that, God damn it!

↓

Sorry.

↓

Bad day.

↓

I am Presidentress of the Mega Gargantuans.

mega

↓

We named ourselves before learning we were small.

learning named

↓

Madam Presidentress, I'm President of America,

america madam president

↓

which is basically the world,

world

↓

but you didn't hear that from me.

↓

I've come to -- I know who you are.

↓

We've already agreed to a ceasefire

agreed

↓

with your ambassadors, Rick and Morty.

morty rick

↓

Rick and Morty were here? Of course they were here.

course morty rick

↓

They can shrink instantly and teleport.

instantly shrink teleport

↓

They told me to give you this.

↓

They said it will stretch as your cancer pill wears off

cancer pill stretch wears

↓

and your body awkwardly enlarges at the rate of a '50s movie.

awkwardly body movie rate

↓

Are there pants?

pants

↓

They said you'd prefer just a shirt.

prefer shirt

↓

Apparently, you have a need to swing your dick around?

apparently dick swing

↓

Rick and Morty escaped.

escaped morty rick

↓

No shit. Take me to the Pentagon.

↓

We're at war with Rick and Morty.

morty rick

↓

You'll want to make a stop at the White House?

house white white-house

↓

I have pants at the Pentagon, Rhonda. It's in my contract.

contract pants rhonda

↓

I mean you need to call a press conference.

conference press press-conference

↓

Israel and Palestine have announced a permanent ceasefire.

announced israel palestine permanent

↓

What? They signed something called

called signed

↓

"The Pretty Obvious If You Think About It" accord.

obvious

↓

Apparently, an anonymous American diplomat

american anonymous apparently

↓

took them to a "Star Wars" cantina,

star star-wars wars

↓

where they smoked perspective-enhancing

perspective smoked

↓

alien pheromones through a laser hookah.

alien laser

↓

I still say it has to be Putin.

↓

It was Rick and Morty, you fucking dunce!

fucking morty rick

↓

But you're getting the credit, sir.

credit

↓

Your approval rating just hit 100%.

approval rating

↓

Why would Rick and Morty want that?

morty rick

↓

Because they're assholes!

assholes

↓

I'm flattered, but it takes a whole team to achieve what we did today.

achieve flattered takes team today whole whole-team

↓

Thank you.

↓

Well?

↓

We've got every possible location under surveillance.

location possible surveillance

↓

God damn it! They're right here!

↓

They're here, God damn it! Code Red! We need backup!

backup code

↓

Everybody relax.

everybody relax

↓

Just waiting for you in the only room

room waiting

↓

you can't blow up or spy on.

blow

↓

So, we're not changing timelines for you,

changing

↓

but now you have everything you want,

↓

so you can forget we exist,

exist forget

↓

and we'll return the favor.

favor return

↓

You couldn't say that in a text?

text

↓

Well, since we won't be seeing each other again, my --

seeing

↓

Guys, we get it. It's a Code Red. Enough.

code

↓

My grandson has worked hard for you,

grandson hard worked worked-hard

↓

and I feel like he's earned a selfie.

earned selfie

↓

Honestly, I could take it or leave it at this point.

point

↓

No. What kind of fratty-ass status move is that?

status

↓

Get out of my office!

office

↓

Seriously? You're that stubborn?

stubborn

↓

He's the stubborn one. I'm protecting my country.

country protecting stubborn

↓

Uh, from selfies?

↓

From subordination to hostile powers.

hostile powers

↓

Uh, does China know about that deal-breaker?

breaker china deal

↓

China doesn't piss on the White House.

china house piss white white-house

↓

Well, why would they? I'm sure it was expensive.

expensive

↓

Get out.

↓

Arrest them.

arrest

↓

and I guarantee you're going to die if you touch me,

guarantee touch

↓

and there's no afterlife. Everything just goes black.

afterlife black

↓

Don't do it.

↓

Whoa, Rick!

rick whoa

↓

What was that?

↓

Death. What kind?

death

↓

Instant. There was no sound.

instant sound

↓

He just died. Yeah, terrifying.

died terrifying

↓

It's a terrifying thing to watch happen.

happen terrifying watch

↓

It's called a deterrent.

called deterrent

↓

You couldn't just knock him out?

knock

↓

How is knocking out a deterrent?

deterrent knocking

↓

Everyone wants to be knocked out.

knocked wants

↓

Nobody wants to be dead.

dead nobody nobody-wants wants

↓

You committed murder in the Oval Office.

committed murder office

↓

Now you can't leave. That's fine.

↓

I said I'm not leaving without a selfie.

leaving selfie

↓

Uh, I don't need a selfie.

selfie

↓

And I'm saying you aren't getting one

↓

and you aren't leaving.

leaving

↓

So we agree? Yes. No. We disagree

agree disagree

↓

because you think you're getting a selfie and leaving.

leaving selfie

↓

Am I getting a selfie?

selfie

↓

Never. Then I'm never leaving.

leaving

↓

Exactly.

↓

Does anyone have a shot?

shot

↓

Yes, nine people. I can show you.

nine

↓

But I wouldn't recommend --

recommend

↓

Open fire!

fire open

↓

God, you are dumb!

dumb

↓

Get the President out of here!

president

↓

Bad idea.

idea

↓

Because if there isn't someone in here

↓

that they're not supposed to kill,

kill supposed

↓

they're going to wreck the place trying to kill me.

kill place wreck

↓

As long as you live, no matter where you are,

live matter

↓

if it isn't in a selfie with him,

selfie

↓

I'll be here.

↓

Jesus! He's not a fucking god!

fucking jesus

↓

You don't know what I am!

↓

And you don't know what I can do!

↓

Jesus! It's -- It's cool, Rick!

cool jesus rick

↓

I'm Doctor Who in this motherfucker.

doctor motherfucker

↓

I could be a clone. I could be a hologram.

clone

↓

We could be clones controlled by robots

controlled robots

↓

controlled with special headsets

controlled special

↓

that the real Rick and Morty are wearing

morty real rick wearing

↓

while they're fucking your mother!

fucking mother

↓

I'm going to kill you!

kill

↓

Then come to 312 Olive Street!

olive street

↓

Is that her address?

address

↓

You don't know because you're a bad son!

↓

Ow! Take him down!

↓

Semper fi!

↓

Aaaaah!

aaaaah

↓

Number three, The Twister.

number number-three three twister

↓

Ow! Damn it. Number four...

four number number-four

↓

The Hanky Panky.

↓

Beth?

beth

↓

My dad might have cloned me, and I might be the clone.

clone might

↓

And he says I'm not, but that's what he'd say to a clone.

clone

↓

Typical.

typical

↓

Number six, The Texas Ripple.

number texas

↓

You look like you to me.

↓

What are you, an idiot?

idiot

↓

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

↓

That was so rude.

rude

↓

I came to you for help, and now I'm insulting your intelligence.

insulting intelligence

↓

And look where intelligence gets you.

intelligence

↓

Well, don't knock intelligence, because right now

intelligence knock

↓

I'd love to understand how I can help you.

love

↓

I can't be in charge of that, Jerry.

charge jerry

↓

My mind, my ideas are all part of the variable.

ideas mind part

↓

The only constant is you.

constant

↓

You know me inside and out.

↓

Do what you have to do.

↓

Okay. Sit down.

↓

Now cross your legs.

cross legs

↓

That leg on top. Good.

↓

Oh, what is this?

↓

Senior year, I took you on a date

date senior

↓

to the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra

milwaukee orchestra symphony

↓

performing the music of Alan Silvestri in the Park.

alan music park performing

↓

At this point in the song from "Volcano,"

point song volcano

↓

when Tommy Lee Jones and the utility workers

jones tommy workers

↓

are using cars to guide the lava into a cul-de-sac,

cars guide lava using

↓

I realized my palms were so sweaty,

realized sweaty

↓

I would never get to hold your hand.

hand

↓

But I was desperate to touch you,

desperate touch

↓

so I wiped my palm on the grass next to me.

grass palm wiped

↓

But a Snickers wrapper kind of got stuck on it,

snickers stuck wrapper

↓

so I started kind of jiggling it,

started

↓

whipping it without moving too much.

moving

↓

But you started looking over, and I thought,

looking started

↓

"Well, this is it. She's going to see that I'm a loser,

loser

↓

and I'll never get to touch her.

touch

↓

But I still have time to touch her."

touch

↓

But my hand had Snickers on it,

hand snickers

↓

and the brass section was swelling

brass section swelling

↓

because it was the scene with the guy melting in the lava.

lava melting scene

↓

And I just thought, "Fuck it. Lips don't sweat."

fuck lips sweat

↓

Wow. Yeah.

↓

I'll never forget that feeling.

feeling forget

↓

You're the real thing.

real

↓

Then that settles it,

settles

↓

because my memory is of hating that night.

hating memory night

↓

But now, reliving it, all I can feel is how lucky I am

lucky

↓

to be loved by such a simple, honest, simple man.

honest loved simple

↓

Simple twice.

simple twice

↓

This isn't the woman you married, Jerry,

jerry married woman

↓

because this woman loves you.

loves woman

↓

Uh...well, vive la différence.

↓

Okay. That was lame.

lame

↓

Listen, I -- Words.

words

↓

Don Cheadle.

cheadle

↓

You have the right to get the fuck out of my office!

fuck office

↓

You have the right to kiss my dick!

dick kiss

↓

Give me the thing.

↓

Ugh!

↓

Oh!

↓

Ugh!

↓

Oh!

↓

Ugh! Ugh!

↓

Ohh!

↓

Submit! Submit for the selfie!

selfie submit

↓

I yield! I yield! Take the selfie!

selfie yield

↓

Okay. Morty, get in there and say, "Cheese."

cheese morty

↓

Morty?

morty

↓

Morty, come on!

morty

↓

God damn it!

↓

Rick, don't get mad, but I-I stole your portal gun.

portal rick stole

↓

What the fuck Morty?!

fuck morty

↓

I told you I didn't want the damn selfie 800 times!

selfie times

↓

Look, whatever the hell is going on between you

↓

and the president, it's got nothing to do with me.

president

↓

So where did you go? I can't tell you.

↓

Rick, did you tell my mom she might be a clone?

clone might rick

↓

No! I told her she wasn't!

↓

Well, isn't that what you'd tell a clone?

clone

↓

Oh, for Christ's sake.

christs christs-sake sake

↓

Rick, my mom and dad are getting back together.

rick

↓

What? No! She's not a clone!

clone

↓

Well, she says it doesn't matter if she is or isn't

matter

↓

because now she loves my dad,

loves

↓

and she wanted me and Summer to come home,

home summer wanted

↓

and we're hiding from you so you don't kill her

hiding kill

↓

if she's a clone in a place

clone place

↓

I picked that you will never find.

picked

↓

So don't look for us.

↓

Come on, bitch!

bitch

↓

Oh, you come on, bitch.

bitch

↓

I'm out. I'm done.

↓

I've got to -- I've got to go.

↓

So I win. Then I'm in charge, and you can't leave.

charge

↓

You're a terrorist. You're an enemy of the state,

enemy state terrorist

↓

and you kicked me in the balls 10 minutes ago!

balls kicked minutes

↓

The office of the President can't coexist

office president

↓

with a living god that won't submit to it --

living submit

↓

I mean, besides Poseidon.

besides

↓

But he's locked up in Area 51 already,

area locked

↓

so that doesn't really count.

count

↓

Mr. President, I'll make you a deal.

deal president

↓

If you let me use your ghetto-ass off-brand

brand ghetto

↓

deficit-tripling teleporter,

↓

I can go take care of something, and you'll never see me again.

care

↓

Yes. Deal. Invisi-troopers, stand down.

deal stand troopers

↓

Yeah, yeah.

↓

I don't want to hear it.

↓

You know I could see them this whole time, right?

whole

↓

Don't push it, Sanchez.

push sanchez

↓

He found us!

found

↓

I told you we shouldn't have gone

gone

↓

to the same cabin as last time!

cabin

↓

Oh, we're not going anywhere. This ends now.

ends

↓

Dad, if you're my dad.

↓

Of course, you're not my dad.

course

↓

You're here with a gun because I am a clone.

clone

↓

I guess I have all your daughter's memories.

daughters memories

↓

So I guess I was her, which makes me related to her.

makes related

↓

But I don't relate to her.

relate

↓

She left her family and me, which means I relate to them.

family left relate

↓

So if you kill me, fine.

kill

↓

You're not killing her.

killing

↓

But you're killing a real family.

family killing real real-family

↓

And instead of doing that, will you just go away?

↓

Aren't there, like, infinite time lines?

infinite lines

↓

Can't you just move to one where I don't know I'm a clone

clone

↓

and where a different but identical version

identical version

↓

of your authentic sociopathic crazy bitch

authentic bitch crazy crazy-bitch

↓

of a daughter can keep making you proud

daughter proud

↓

by being somewhere else?

↓

Beth, you crazy bitch. You're my daughter.

beth bitch crazy crazy-bitch daughter

↓

I brought this here to kill Jerry.

brought jerry kill

↓

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. You win, Jerry. You win!

jerry

↓

No amount of genius can stop your dumb mediocre vacuous roots

amount dumb genius roots

↓

from digging into everything and everyone around you

digging

↓

and draining them of any ability to fend you off.

ability draining

↓

Well, it couldn't have been easy for you to say that.

easy

↓

I appreciate it.

appreciate

↓

Morty, where's my portal gun?

morty portal

↓

Let's get out of here.

↓

I'm staying here, Rick.

rick staying

↓

Are you -- Ugh!

↓

Nobody gets it.

nobody

↓

Nothing you think matters matters.

matters

↓

This isn't special.

special

↓

This -- This is happening infinite times

infinite times

↓

across infinite realities.

infinite

↓

Including this?

including

↓

Yes!

↓

Which is not to say that, subjectively, it wasn't funny.

funny

↓

Are you going to stay?

↓

There's infinite time lines, Morty.

infinite lines morty

↓

Why would I stay in the one where I trashed the White House,

house trashed white white-house

↓

became an enemy of America

america became enemy

↓

and the lowest-status character in my idiot family?

character family idiot lowest status

↓

Because of the fart?

fart

↓

There's still some rubble over there.

rubble

↓

I don't think you've ever understood

understood

↓

what "Secretary of the Interior" means!

interior secretary

↓

Hi, Mr. President. I'm Rick Sanchez,

president rick sanchez

↓

but not the one that did this.

↓

We Ricks travel the infinite and switch places with each other

infinite places switch travel

↓

like hermit crabs, I think.

crabs

↓

I'm fly-fishing Rick.

fishing rick

↓

You can distinguish me from the Rick that you had a falling-out with

falling rick

↓

by my fly-fishing enthusiasm and accompanying hat.

enthusiasm fishing

↓

I hope I can be of service

hope service

↓

if, uh, you ever find the planet to be in danger.

danger planet

↓

Friends?

friends

↓

Sounds good to me.

sounds

↓

Kids, dinner!

dinner kids

↓

I got Panda Express!

express panda

↓

Did you get sugar chicken?

chicken sugar

↓

That's kind of the only thing they have.

↓

I love Panda E! Thanks, Mom!

love panda thanks

↓

I'm hoping to get a piece of your sugar chicken later.

chicken hoping piece sugar

↓

Stop it.

↓

Here's your stupid hat, dipshit.

dipshit stupid

↓

Dad, you can't talk to Jerry that way anymore.

anymore jerry

↓

We're a real family now.

family real real-family

↓

In many ways, things will be like season 1

season ways

↓

but more streamlined.

↓

Now Jerry and I are happily married parents,

happily jerry married parents

↓

and the idea that I was motivated

idea motivated

↓

by a fear of you leaving can be eschewed.

fear leaving

↓

Eschewed? You've never used that word.

used word

↓

Maybe you are a clone.

clone

↓

It's not like Rick would tell us.

rick

↓

♪♪

↓

Ooh-wee! What a season!

season

↓

Sorry I never showed up, but I got married.

married showed

↓

I had a baby.

baby

↓

I went back to school and got my G-E-E-E-D.

school

↓

What did you do while you were waiting?

waiting

↓

Hopefully you didn't just fuck around and waste your life.

fuck hopefully life waste

↓

Ooh-wee!

↓

See you for Season 4 in, like, a really long time!

season

↓

I might even have a big white Santa Claus beard

beard claus might santa santa-claus white

↓

and -- and -- and a --

↓

and a couple of grandkids

couple grandkids

↓

and all that kind of stuff.

stuff

↓

See you -- See you then!