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Home » Rick and Morty » S03E09 — The ABC's of Beth

Rick and Morty

Season 3, Episode 9 — The ABC's of Beth

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Rick and Morty

Episode title: The ABC's of Beth

Air date: September 24, 2017

Director: Juan Meza-Leon

Top billed cast: Justin Roiland, Chris Parnell, Spencer Grammer, Sarah Chalke

Jerry pulls in some lady in this one broh. Beth revisits her childhood.

Source: TMDB

↓

News Anchor: In local news, child murderer Joseph Eli Lipnip

anchor child joseph local murderer news news-anchor

↓

is scheduled to die tomorrow by lethal injection,

injection lethal scheduled tomorrow

↓

his execution already drawing dozens more spectators

dozens drawing execution

↓

than the death of TV news. Carla?

carla death news

↓

Carla Johnson: The man that once ate his own son...

carla johnson

↓

Wow. He's really getting executed after all this time.

executed

↓

at the state correctional facility.

facility state

↓

You know the son that he ate was --

↓

Your best friend -- Tommy.

best best-friend friend tommy

↓

We know. Stop true-crime bragging.

bragging crime

↓

I was traumatized, Summer.

summer traumatized

↓

Okay, your generation wouldn't get that.

generation

↓

Bitch, my generation

bitch generation

↓

gets traumatized for breakfast.

breakfast traumatized

↓

It took years of therapy to even process the reality.

process reality therapy years

↓

I mean, when I was a kid,

↓

I just told myself that Tommy had gotten lost

gotten lost tommy

↓

in the magical realm of Froopyland.

magical realm

↓

"Froopyland?"

↓

I know the name's stupid, but it was so real to me.

names real stupid

↓

Aren't you guys supposed to be at your father's

fathers supposed

↓

for custody weekend?

custody weekend

↓

We're not in a hurry. Dad sleeps until sundown.

hurry sleeps

↓

Can we talk a little bit more about this Froopy--

↓

[ Zap, bloop ] Summer: Not the bubble gun!

bloop bubble summer

↓

There's no air --

↓

I gotta say, I am warming up to the bubble gun.

bubble warming

↓

You know, if you're so great at naming things,

naming

↓

why don't you do it from now on?

↓

- What? - Froopyland.

↓

Was it my best work? I don't know.

best

↓

Does it deserve to be shit on creatively?

deserve

↓

Yeah, that's right.

↓

I agree with your look of horrified realization.

agree horrified

↓

You can be very inconsiderate sometimes.

inconsiderate sometimes

↓

[ Rattling ]

rattling

↓

Here it is.

↓

You know, I collapsed a quantum tesseract to --

collapsed quantum

↓

Dad, I don't care how you made it.

care

↓

I want to know if Tommy's still in there!

tommys

↓

Relax, Beth.

beth relax

↓

If he is, we'll find him.

↓

He'll be the only sun-bleached skeleton

bleached skeleton

↓

with non-imaginary DNA.

imaginary

↓

Tommy!

tommy

↓

Tommy!

tommy

↓

This is a nightmare.

nightmare

↓

I can't believe you used to lock me up

believe lock used

↓

in this glorified chicken coop.

chicken coop

↓

Chicken coop?

chicken coop

↓

Those are procedurally generated clouds, Beth.

beth clouds

↓

- Aah! - Sorry.

↓

[ Warble ]

↓

Morty, Summer, this is Kiara.

morty summer

↓

She's a Krootabulan warrior priestess

warrior

↓

from Krootabulon.

↓

I-I know where Krootabulans are from, Dad.

↓

Uh, Chaimuntolo.

↓

Chaimuntolo, younglings.

↓

Hymen...cholo.

↓

Your father's mind holds love for you.

fathers holds love mind

↓

I am humbled to meet in physicality.

meet

↓

Dad, are you --

↓

In love with a badass, sexy alien lady?

alien badass lady love sexy

↓

Ha, ha, I don't know, Summer. You tell me.

summer

↓

I wasn't going to ask if you were in love

love

↓

since you barely know her.

barely

↓

Summer.

summer

↓

Kiara and I met on that interstellar dating service

dating interstellar service

↓

Rick was always suggesting

rick suggesting

↓

when your mom and I were together.

↓

And things just kind of clicked.

clicked

↓

We must move!

must

↓

Our reservation is at 7:00.

reservation

↓

[ Whoosh ] I hate to see her leave,

hate whoosh

↓

but I love to watch her phase shift away.

love phase shift watch

↓

I'm sure you noticed what she has three of,

noticed three

↓

but guess what she has two of?

↓

[ Screeches ]

screeches

↓

Oof!

↓

All right, knock it off!

knock

↓

Listen, I've been giving you a pass

giving pass

↓

because I'm charmed that life finds a way, but --

charmed finds life

↓

Aah! All right, you know what?

↓

[ Ray gun fires ]

fires

↓

Oh! Unh!

↓

Ouch! God!

ouch

↓

[ Sizzling ]

↓

Agh!

↓

[ Arm clicks ]

clicks

↓

Oh, Dad, this place is the safest.

place safest

↓

Best dad ever.

best

↓

Can't you just say, "I admit it, I screwed up"?

admit screwed

↓

Uh, what would be the point of that?

point

↓

[ Chuckling ] You can't do it, can you?

chuckling

↓

You can't just fucking apologize.

apologize fucking

↓

Okay, okay, Beth, I'm sorry...

beth

↓

you think you deserve an apology.

apology deserve

↓

[ Screeches ]

screeches

↓

You let your kid roll around on the floor of a target,

floor roll target

↓

it's gonna get stepped on.

stepped

↓

[ Screeches ]

screeches

↓

[ Whir, zap ]

↓

Huh. Well, here's the problem right here.

problem

↓

We've got a bunch of Froopyland procedural carbons

bunch

↓

all gummed up and mixed in with real human DNA.

human mixed real

↓

Are you saying Tommy survived here

survived tommy

↓

by having sex with Froopy creatures,

creatures having

↓

creating Froopy-human hybrid offspring,

creating human

↓

and then consuming their proteins,

↓

sustaining himself with an endless cycle of cannibalistic incest?

cycle endless sustaining

↓

It's just a working theory.

theory working

↓

Of course, if that's the case,

case course

↓

I expect he'd be worshiped as a kind of god

expect

↓

by a medieval-level society

level medieval society

↓

of his least-delicious children.

children delicious least

↓

Halt!

halt

↓

You are now prisoners of our exalted ruler,

prisoners ruler

↓

giver and taker of life,

life

↓

helper and consumer of mortality,

consumer helper mortality

↓

dispenser of life --

life

↓

We're way ahead of the reveal here.

ahead reveal

↓

Yeah, just take us to King Tommy.

king tommy

↓

I thought warrior priestesses

warrior

↓

could only leave Krootabulon on a hunt.

hunt

↓

Mmm. Thank you, sweetie.

sweetie

↓

I hope it's not human season.

hope human season

↓

I'm on Earth hunting the Varrix. I would never hunt a human.

earth human hunt hunting

↓

Your father and I are soul-bonded.

bonded father soul

↓

Soul-bonded?

bonded soul

↓

Um, does your planet have shorter days,

days planet shorter

↓

because you guys are moving kind of fast, no?

fast moving

↓

[ Sniffing ]

sniffing

↓

[ Dramatic music plays ]

dramatic dramatic-music music music-plays plays

↓

[ Whoosh ]

whoosh

↓

Go get him, honey!

honey

↓

She's always hunting. [ Chuckles ]

chuckles hunting

↓

She probably knew a Varrix worked here,

worked

↓

and that's why she said the Yelp reviews didn't matter.

matter reviews yelp

↓

Dad, do you understand

↓

how serious Krootabulon soul-bonding is?

bonding serious soul

↓

Uh, gee, Morty, I don't know. It's got such a casual name.

casual morty name

↓

If you want to lecture anyone about commitment,

commitment lecture

↓

start with your mom.

start

↓

Oh, my God. Dad, is that what this is about?

↓

Are you rushing into a new thing to get back at Mom?

rushing

↓

Every weekend, you two have told me to move on.

weekend

↓

Move on, like, out of bed.

↓

Like, stop using paper towels for toilet paper,

paper paper-towels toilet toilet-paper towels using

↓

not move on into a sloppy rebound.

rebound sloppy

↓

Dad, you need to slow down, rethink this soul bond.

bond rethink slow soul

↓

Why don't you just say what you really mean?

↓

You think it's cool

cool

↓

that having sex with her gives me telekinesis

gives having

↓

and you recognize she's got a hot bod

recognize

↓

like Cheetara in "Thundercats,"

↓

but you're grossed out

grossed

↓

by her avocado-shaped head and blue skin,

avocado blue head shaped skin

↓

and you think I want to put a bag and a wig on her head.

head

↓

After all the time and energy I spent

energy spent

↓

teaching you two about race...

race teaching

↓

[ Varrix screams ]

screams

↓

[ Whoosh ]

whoosh

↓

Soon your world will be rid of Varrix.

world

↓

Tomorrow, we celebrate.

celebrate tomorrow

↓

We could take the kids to the water park.

kids park water water-park

↓

We celebrate with a hunt!

celebrate hunt

↓

Ooh. You kids want to hunt?

hunt kids

↓

- Yes. - Yes.

↓

[ Trumpet fanfare ]

fanfare trumpet

↓

All kneel for King Tommy!

king kneel tommy

↓

I'm not kneeling. Suck my dick.

dick suck

↓

Well, hello, all!

↓

I am the King of Froopyland,

king

↓

but I go by another name, too.

another name

↓

We know.

↓

- We know. - We know.

↓

I have lived here since I was a mere child.

child lived mere

↓

- We know. - Got it.

↓

I suppose you're wondering,

suppose wondering

↓

how do I sustain myself?

sustain

↓

- Oh, boy. - No, we aren't.

↓

I always find the theater

theater

↓

is the best way to clarify things.

best clarify

↓

- Ugh. - Seriously?

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

I am little Tommy.

tommy

↓

[ Crowd cheers ]

cheers crowd crowd-cheers

↓

I am tiny Beth.

beth tiny

↓

[ Crowd boos ]

boos crowd

↓

Oh, come on.

↓

Come with me to a magic land.

land magic

↓

Froopy: Don't do it!

↓

This is my secret Froopyland

secret

↓

where I have no rules!

rules

↓

I am excited.

excited

↓

I am jealous of Tommy's friends and his Nintendo

friends jealous nintendo tommys

↓

and his dad who likes him.

likes

↓

I take it Tommy wasn't class playwright.

class tommy

↓

You want to see the Honey Swamp?

honey swamp

↓

Yes! Let's do it!

↓

Well, I want to see you dead.

dead

↓

Ow, help! I'm stuck!

stuck

↓

I'm covered in honey.

covered honey

↓

Huh. Well, that's interesting.

interesting

↓

Fake news.

fake fake-news news

↓

Many nights have passed,

nights passed

↓

trapped in this strange land.

land strange trapped

↓

I am hungry, and all I can do to pass the time is hump.

hump hungry pass

↓

I will hump this rock.

hump rock

↓

[ Tapping ]

tapping

↓

I will hump this tree.

hump tree

↓

[ Tapping ]

tapping

↓

I will hump this beast of the land

beast hump land

↓

and put my seed in it.

seed

↓

[ Tapping ]

tapping

↓

I am the first of Tommy's children.

children tommys

↓

Eat of my flesh so you may survive.

flesh survive

↓

And so I did.

↓

Oh, wow.

↓

Okay. Yeah.

↓

Certified fresh. Good -- Good job.

certified fresh

↓

Perhaps a demonstration is in order. [ Unzips shorts ]

demonstration order perhaps shorts

↓

No, that is the last thing that is in order! Ugh.

order

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

Leave him alone.

alone

↓

Ahh. Gather round, gang!

gang gather gather-round round

↓

Dinner time.

dinner

↓

[ Splorch ]

↓

What are you doing?

↓

We're in the middle of an adventure.

adventure middle

↓

Here's some things an adventure needs, Beth.

adventure beth needs

↓

Conflict, stakes, a way for me to benefit,

benefit conflict stakes

↓

and, clearly, Morty.

morty

↓

But Tommy's still in there,

tommys

↓

raping Muppets and eating babies.

babies eating raping

↓

Yep. Luckily, that's not our problem.

luckily problem

↓

Time to pull the plug.

plug pull

↓

Pull the plug?

plug pull

↓

We have to get Tommy out of there, okay?

tommy

↓

We -- We need to do the right thing.

↓

Do what you never did as a dad --

↓

Put in a little effort.

effort

↓

All right, cut the high-road routine.

road routine

↓

We both saw Tommy's shitty play.

shitty tommys

↓

You pushed him in the Honey Swamp, Beth.

beth honey pushed swamp

↓

His very happy life is in your hands.

hands happy life

↓

You go save him from it.

save

↓

[ Scoffs ] You're gonna believe a play over your own daughter?

believe daughter scoffs

↓

Yes, I am, Beth, because you're not my own daughter.

beth daughter

↓

Oh, God, yes.

↓

I'm one of infinite Beths

infinite

↓

with infinite fathers in infinite universes.

fathers infinite

↓

It's called a hug, Dad. It won't kill you.

called kill

↓

Yeah, don't be so sure.

↓

You know why all Ricks made a Froopyland

↓

for all their little girls?

girls

↓

Same reason I wasn't surprised

reason surprised

↓

by Tommy's overwritten, badly structured,

badly tommys

↓

cheaply produced flashback.

flashback produced

↓

You were a scary fucking kid, man.

fucking scary

↓

[ Scoffing ] Oh, my God.

↓

I didn't make Froopyland to get rid of you, Beth.

beth

↓

I did it to protect the neighborhood.

neighborhood protect

↓

Not in a [burps] noble sense.

burps noble sense

↓

It was just more practical to sequester you

practical

↓

before I had to start, you know, cloning a replacement

replacement start

↓

for every less-than-polite little boy or gullible animal

animal gullible less polite

↓

that might cross your socio-path.

cross might path

↓

You would rather believe I'm evil

believe evil

↓

than admit that you were a bad father?

admit father

↓

Oh, dude, no.

↓

No, bad father all the way to the max over here.

father

↓

I'm a fucking nutcase.

fucking

↓

And the acorn plopped straight down, baby.

baby straight

↓

Look at some of this shit

↓

you were asking me to make you as a kid.

asking

↓

Ray guns.

guns

↓

A whip that forces people to like you.

forces whip

↓

Invisibility cuffs, a parent trap, a lightning gun,

lightning parent trap

↓

a teddy bear with anatomically correct innards,

bear correct teddy teddy-bear

↓

night-vision googly-eye glasses, sound-erasing sneakers,

glasses night sneakers sound vision

↓

false fingerprints, fall-asleep darts,

asleep fall false fingerprints

↓

a lie-detecting doll, an indestructible baseball bat,

baseball doll indestructible

↓

a Taser shaped like a ladybug, a fake police badge,

badge fake police shaped

↓

location-tracking stickers, rainbow-colored duct tape,

colored duct duct-tape location rainbow stickers tape tracking

↓

mind-control hair clips, poison gum,

clips control hair mind poison

↓

a pink, sentient switchblade.

pink

↓

Hi, Beth, you've gotten taller.

beth gotten taller

↓

Shall we resume stabbing?

resume stabbing

↓

Has it occurred to you

occurred

↓

that I asked you to make those things

asked

↓

because I wanted you to spend time with me?

spend wanted

↓

Has it occurred to you that if I did try killing Tommy,

killing occurred tommy

↓

it might be because I was jealous of his family?

family jealous might

↓

Wait, what? Why?

↓

Wasn't his dad, like, some kind of cannibal?

cannibal

↓

Seems like it must be hereditary.

must seems

↓

Oh, my God. This is your fault.

fault

↓

I am not a bad person.

person

↓

I'm gonna go back in there,

↓

I'm getting Tommy, and I'm fixing this!

fixing tommy

↓

Whatever you say, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

cold steve stone stone-cold

↓

I don't know why I just said that.

↓

Doesn't make a lot of sense, but gotta stand by it.

sense stand

↓

Whatever you say, Stone Cold Steve Austin.

cold steve stone stone-cold

↓

I'm owning it.

owning

↓

[ Ax swings ]

swings

↓

Morty: No, Dad! You're not doing it right!

morty

↓

Cutting off their heads isn't doing it right?

cutting heads

↓

They're [grunts] clearly regenerative!

grunts

↓

I-I think you have to stab them through the heart or something.

heart stab

↓

You think or you know?

↓

I thought you were the alien expert, Isaac Asi-hole.

alien expert hole isaac

↓

Don't snap at me! I'm tired!

snap tired

↓

- Me, too! - We're all tired!

tired

↓

[ Ax swings ]

swings

↓

[ Whoosh ]

whoosh

↓

That's the last of them.

↓

Tonight, we celebrate.

celebrate tonight

↓

With a hunt?

hunt

↓

Yes, for tomorrow, we hunt.

hunt tomorrow

↓

[ Rain trickling ]

rain

↓

I, uh, really have to get out of this soul bond.

bond soul

↓

- What the fuck Dad? - Oh, my God! Duh!

fuck

↓

- Obviously! - Yeah, no kidding!

kidding obviously

↓

Can you guys help me?

↓

What? How?

↓

Can I just, uh, tell her it's because of my kids?

kids

↓

You know, like, you don't like the shape of her head, or --

head shape

↓

That's you, Dad! That's you!

↓

You're a baby and an idiot!

baby idiot

↓

I think that's been established, Summer. Now help me!

established summer

↓

First, I want you to admit

admit

↓

that you're a closet racist, a beta-male sexist,

beta closet male racist sexist

↓

and you dragged everyone into a horrible situation

dragged horrible situation

↓

by only thinking of ourself.

thinking

↓

Okay.

↓

I want to hear you say it.

↓

[ Sighs deeply ]

deeply sighs

↓

Look, I'm a closeted racist,

racist

↓

and I'm sexist and selfish,

selfish sexist

↓

and I dragged us all into my sexist, racist bad things

dragged racist sexist

↓

because I'm stupid.

stupid

↓

Now you're gonna help me, right?

↓

Yeah, clean up your own mess.

clean mess

↓

Wait, wait, what?

↓

Oh, man.

↓

[ Trumpet fanfare ]

fanfare trumpet

↓

Next item on the docket --

docket item

↓

I would like to have sex with some of you,

↓

and then eat the babies.

babies

↓

I thought you'd like that.

↓

I do keep rolling out the hits, don't I?

hits rolling

↓

[ Bang ]

bang

↓

Oh! It's the Magic Crayon Lady!

crayon lady magic

↓

Are you hungry? I was just about to make dinner.

dinner hungry

↓

And by "make dinner," I mean --

dinner

↓

Tommy, I'm going to take you to the real world.

real real-world tommy world

↓

Well, this is the real world.

real real-world world

↓

No, you don't understand! Your dad --

↓

Uh, people think your dad ate you!

↓

So? You doy-oy!

↓

People should eat people.

↓

Just leave me alone!

alone

↓

Tommy, you don't understand.

tommy

↓

I have to make this right

↓

because it's my fault that you're in here.

fault

↓

I'm Beth.

beth

↓

- Beth? - The destroyer!

beth destroyer

↓

The destroyer!

destroyer

↓

Oh, suck it up, Princess Incest.

princess suck

↓

You fell into some honey.

fell honey

↓

Well, it tends to happen when one is pushed into honey.

happen honey pushed

↓

I respect your right to believe I pushed you.

believe pushed respect

↓

Oh, do I get to have that?

↓

Is my reality like a little side of fries --

fries reality side

↓

a little Kwanzaa you're willing to slide my way?

slide willing

↓

Yes, because I'm focused on saving your father's life

fathers focused life saving

↓

because I'm not a petty piece of shit.

petty piece

↓

So, then, it should be pretty easy

easy

↓

to say, "Sorry I pushed you."

pushed

↓

Real easy and not necessary,

easy necessary real

↓

since you coming home will save your dad's life

coming coming-home dads home life save

↓

whereas nothing is changed

changed whereas

↓

by anyone stroking your batshit-crazy ego.

batshit crazy

↓

Sorry, forgive me.

forgive

↓

Uh, I've been in Froopyland for quite a while.

↓

Have apologies changed?

apologies changed

↓

Tommy, I'm sorry you think you deserve an apology.

apology deserve tommy

↓

Oh, my God. I'm my father.

father

↓

Uh, will someone just kill this B-word?

kill word

↓

[ Froopys muttering threateningly ]

muttering

↓

[ Grunts ] Hi-ya!

grunts

↓

Oh, my God. I'm my father!

father

↓

Ya!

↓

[ Screams ]

screams

↓

Switchblade: It's stab time!

stab

↓

[ School bell rings ]

bell bell-rings rings school school-bell school-bell-rings

↓

And that's why one pussy plus two pussies

plus pussies pussy

↓

makes a bunch of pussies.

bunch makes pussies

↓

Come on, y'all, I'm trying to make this

yall

↓

appealing to your sex-addicted lifestyles.

addicted appealing

↓

Hi, I need to pull Morty out of school. Come on, Morty.

morty pull school

↓

Ha! You heard your daddy, Morty.

daddy heard morty

↓

you have to leave school.

school

↓

Wait, what are my values?

values

↓

Dad, what's going on?

↓

What? Why? It's nice there.

↓

Also, I broke up with Kiara, and she didn't take it well,

broke

↓

and she wants to murder you two.

murder wants

↓

What? Th-Then why are we walking?

walking

↓

I'm walking because I'm tired.

tired walking

↓

You guys should definitely run.

↓

[ Whoosh ]

whoosh

↓

[ Thud ]

thud

↓

You know what? I'm -- I'm just gonna go left.

left

↓

No, okay, your left, that's fine.

left

↓

Do you know what left is, 'cause -- Ugh!

left

↓

What does your breakup have to do with us?

breakup

↓

Yeah, we chose Mom hands down.

chose hands

↓

I thought we made that clear at the lawyer's office

clear lawyers office

↓

and in the comments under your weird rant on Facebook.

comments facebook rant weird

↓

[ Crash ]

crash

↓

She kind of blames you guys for the breakup.

breakup

↓

- Why? - Why?

↓

Because I told her it was your fault.

fault

↓

- What?! - What?!

↓

Look, I'm not an evil person.

evil person

↓

I'm just not very imaginative!

↓

[ Warbling ]

↓

[ Grunts ]

grunts

↓

Oh!

↓

[ All scream ]

scream

↓

Rick: ♪ Doo-doo butt ♪

butt rick

↓

♪ Doo-doo-doo -- doo-doo butt ♪

butt

↓

No.

↓

♪ Doo-doo butt, doo-doo butt ♪

butt

↓

Hey. Hey.

↓

Um, hmm, so just, like, out of curiosity,

↓

if you were gonna make a clone of Tommy,

clone tommy

↓

what would you need to get started?

started

↓

I don't kn-- Tommy's DNA?

tommys

↓

Okay, 'cause he, um...

↓

Yeah, he didn't want to come back,

↓

so, um, he gave me this.

↓

He gave you his finger?

finger

↓

Uh, well, what happened is --

happened

↓

It's okay. It doesn't matter. Okay.

matter

↓

This'll take about three hours.

hours thisll three three-hours

↓

Okay.

↓

Hey. You want to help?

↓

Okay.

↓

♪ Doo ♪

↓

♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

↓

♪ With the doo-doo in my butt ♪

butt

↓

♪ But I know that a father should say to you ♪

father

↓

♪ That he's proud of you ♪

proud

↓

♪ Doo ♪

↓

♪ Biologically speaking, the butt is a nut ♪

butt speaking

↓

♪ And every father fathers wrong ♪

father fathers

↓

♪ Ooh ♪

↓

♪ That can change that ♪

change

↓

I am wiped out. I guess I'll turn in.

wiped

↓

Cool.

cool

↓

Dad?

↓

I feel like I've spent my life

life spent

↓

pretending you're a great guy and trying to be like you.

pretending

↓

And the ugly truth has always been --

truth ugly

↓

That I'm not that great a guy and you're exactly like me.

↓

Am I evil?

evil

↓

Worse. You're smart.

smart worse

↓

When you know nothing matters, the universe is yours.

matters universe

↓

And I've never met a universe that was into it.

universe

↓

The universe is basically an animal.

animal universe

↓

It grazes on the ordinary.

ordinary

↓

It creates infinite idiots just to eat them,

creates idiots infinite

↓

not unlike your friend Timmy. Tommy.

friend timmy tommy unlike

↓

Yeah, it hardly matters now, sweetie.

hardly matters sweetie

↓

You know, smart people get a chance to climb on top,

chance climb smart

↓

take reality for a ride,

reality ride

↓

but it'll never stop trying to throw you.

itll throw

↓

And, eventually, it will.

eventually

↓

There's no other way off.

↓

Dad, I'm out of excuses to not be who I am.

excuses

↓

So who am I? What do I do?

↓

My advice -- Take off.

advice

↓

Put a saddle on your universe. Let it kick itself out.

kick saddle universe

↓

I can't do that.

↓

The kids, Jerry, my job,

jerry kids

↓

and, as much as I hate to admit it, ABC's "The Bachelor."

admit bachelor hate

↓

I can make a clone of you, a perfect instance of you,

clone instance perfect

↓

with all your memories.

memories

↓

An exact copy in every way.

copy exact

↓

It'll love and provide for the kids,

itll kids love provide

↓

do your job, and consume broadcast-network reality TV

broadcast network reality

↓

on the same allegedly ironic level as you.

allegedly ironic level

↓

You could be gone a day, a week,

gone week

↓

or the rest of your life with zero consequences.

consequences life rest zero

↓

The moment you decide to come back,

decide moment

↓

I flip a switch, and the clone's job is done.

flip switch

↓

It feels no pain, it regrets nothing,

feels pain regrets

↓

and has zero chance of going "Blade Runner."

blade chance runner zero

↓

If nothing matters, why would you do that for me?

matters

↓

I don't know, maybe you matter so little that I like you.

matter

↓

Or maybe it makes you matter.

makes matter

↓

Maybe I love you.

love

↓

Maybe something about your mother.

mother

↓

Don't jump a gift shark in the mouth.

gift jump mouth shark

↓

I don't know if I can do it.

↓

Then stay, and luxuriate in a life

life

↓

you can finally know you've chosen.

chosen finally

↓

My secret bonus is that no matter what you choose,

bonus choose matter secret

↓

you're finally gonna chill the fuck out.

chill finally fuck

↓

Okay.

↓

I know what I want to do.

↓

[ Whoosh ]

whoosh

↓

Aah!

↓

[ Thud ]

thud

↓

You can't run forever!

forever

↓

She's really pissed off.

pissed

↓

I know. It's kinda hot.

kinda

↓

Shut up!

↓

The hunters! They're back! Run!

hunters

↓

- We're not hunters. - We want to hide with you.

hide hunters

↓

We're not hiding. We're nesting.

hiding

↓

Ooh la la.

↓

[ All scream ]

scream

↓

The children must be destroyed

children destroyed must

↓

so that we can be together.

↓

You need to break up with her, Dad -- properly!

break properly

↓

[ Whoosh ]

whoosh

↓

[ Grunts ] Dump her!

dump grunts

↓

Okay, okay.

↓

Kiara, let's just run away.

↓

- Dad! - Come on!

↓

Just rip the Band-Aid off!

band

↓

Okay!

↓

Kiara, when I told you my kids were bigoted racists

kids

↓

who were demanding I break up with you,

break demanding

↓

I lied.

lied

↓

If anybody deserves to be telekinetically strangled,

anybody deserves

↓

it's me.

↓

I'm the one who wants to break up.

break wants

↓

I -- I'm not an evil person.

evil person

↓

I'm lazy, I'm cowardly,

lazy

↓

and -- and I do not know what I'm doing.

↓

Look, I got someone pregnant at 17.

pregnant

↓

We're getting a divorce. None of this is on purpose.

divorce purpose

↓

I was excited to date someone cool

cool date excited

↓

because it would make my ex notice me.

notice

↓

I would expect nothing less from humanity --

expect humanity less

↓

a selfish, manipulative, dishonest species that --

selfish species

↓

- Kiara? - Trandor!

↓

What are you doing here?

↓

Just...hunting.

hunting

↓

Do you really expect me to believe

believe expect

↓

it has nothing to do with us?

↓

You knew Earth was my domain.

earth

↓

I don't like what you're insinuating.

↓

Dad, can we go now?

↓

I'm starting to get the feeling that I was the rebound.

feeling rebound starting

↓

Dad, you just got handed an Ex Machina.

handed

↓

You're taking it.

↓

Varrix nests spread across 300 galaxies,

spread

↓

and you just happened to pick this planet to hunt?

happened hunt pick planet

↓

That's Gorgon shit -- total Gorgon shit!

total

↓

[ Birds chirping ]

birds birds-chirping chirping

↓

We're home!

home

↓

Hey, guys!

↓

How was Jerry's? The usual.

usual

↓

Can we have pizza?

pizza

↓

Hey, Rick, did you know my dad was dating an alien?

alien dating rick

↓

No. Gross. For the alien.

alien gross

↓

Aw, crap, I think Arnaldo's is closed.

closed

↓

Are you guys sure you want pizza?

pizza

↓

[ Whoosh ]

whoosh

↓

Arnaldo's isn't closed in the dimension

closed dimension

↓

where they didn't invent Daylight Savings!

daylight invent savings

↓

What would we do without you? I love you, Dad.

love

↓

Love you, too, sweetie.

love sweetie

↓

By the way, that wasn't time travel.

travel

↓

There were just a couple pizzas on the counter.

counter couple pizzas

↓

I grabbed them.

grabbed

↓

[ Beep ]

beep

↓

Listen, my boyfriend saw those texts you've been sending me,

boyfriend sending texts

↓

and he got pretty pissed off.

pissed

↓

If he calls you, just ignore him!

calls ignore

↓

[ Beep ]

beep

↓

I have intercepted sexual communications

intercepted sexual

↓

between you and my new girlfriend, Kiara.

girlfriend

↓

I am coming to kill you now!

coming kill

↓

[ Beep ]

beep

↓

Uh, I killed that alien that was coming after ya.

alien coming killed

↓

Looking out for ya, buddy.

buddy looking

↓

[ Beep ]

beep

↓

Don't be mad. I [bleep] your ex-girlfriend Kiara.

bleep girlfriend

↓

Kiara: Who are you talking to, Rick?

rick

↓

Doesn't matter.

matter

↓

[ Beep ]

beep

↓

down at The Antique Phone rentals.

antique phone

↓

Um, I'm gonna go ahead and let you off the hook

ahead go-ahead hook

↓

for the $70 late fee.

late

↓

You can go ahead and keep that answering machine.

ahead answering answering-machine go-ahead machine

↓

Nobody really uses those anymore

anymore nobody uses

↓

except for exposition on TV shows, anyways.

anyways except shows

↓

[ Click ]

click