♥ Saved GIFs

Loading…

View all favorites →
Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E02 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 2 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

↓
8406329f-316f-4028-a61e-e9bcefb609b7.gif
And never for anything remotely sexual.
remotelysexual
↓
f5bc2aba-31ae-40c5-9b15-7ca88724c680.gif
I just would say it all the time. If you were like,
↓
c4e12f53-71ba-430e-8e00-5d8d91787da6.gif
"I'll have a water, no ice."
water
↓
0e9ce5e9-dba3-40b7-b491-6c9dd42ff512.gif
I'd be like, "That's gay." You know?
↓
052bdc67-a3b7-4964-b68b-4a944655f186.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
50e14f73-b3b6-410e-bfe9-77163193c7ca.gif
"Why do you have so many balloons? That's gay." Shit like that.
balloons
↓
19b3cf3e-7533-4705-84ba-88a772a43242.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
14cc14bf-8b95-4521-9be1-972a7f2de33c.gif
Can't say it anymore. Now, to be clear, you can say "that's gay."
anymoreclear
↓
fe598879-796b-4d7e-9329-082d7895ed42.gif
But it has to be for something overtly gay.
↓
28875dd0-8995-48be-87b5-1af380361c57.gif
Like it has to be ten guys standing in a line,
linestanding
↓
954aeda4-821a-4b76-a649-ef396459f0c1.gif
each of them has their dick in the ass of the guy in front of them.
dickfront
↓
0d16c893-801c-42d8-8d73-21d48b4f76bc.gif
And they're marching and going,
marching
↓
1f1b50ab-d6f5-4303-b4cd-ee39cf614ac3.gif
"I want the come. Give me the come. I want the come."
↓
214bcb39-cd34-4be5-a1e8-e15a501538cf.gif
-And then you can go, "That's gay." -[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
e111c92e-556f-4b5d-9b94-522d0b7694bb.gif
And even then they're like, "Take it easy."
easy
↓
d42a1efa-08d6-4747-85c6-f488a348850b.gif
And you're like, "All right, jeez."
jeez
↓
644af493-be90-46a5-bdb4-69c4b64d0d8d.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
adddf11e-6b65-454c-a55c-83cdf88364c7.gif
You can't say "midget." Goddamn it.
goddamngoddamn-itmidget
↓
98feedb5-8e37-4e15-9762-4abad5afb799.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
3b5ee57e-b4bd-4a5c-af54-2960677fb384.gif
I never thought we'd lose that one.
lose
↓
c59ccd27-d4bb-4b43-9da9-ac5a67da3ac3.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
ed2a8fc6-81bc-4b50-9d2b-54fc50fefacd.gif
You can't say it. People get very upset.
upset
↓
199044e0-bbc7-44ff-8886-c5976f695176.gif
I never said it to be cruel. And let's be honest.
cruelhonest
↓
950b9b9f-65f4-46ad-b46c-ff4b3e8b342e.gif
It was perfectly acceptable for years.
acceptableperfectlyyears
↓
164909f6-9d0a-47ab-9dc4-5fad95adab16.gif
The best part about the word midget, before it became offensive,
becamebestbest-partmidgetoffensivepartword
↓
cecc4a29-be17-4232-9226-cc4a392ce8ba.gif
is that it's specific.
specific
↓
a386594d-25da-4132-9cfd-234e568e593e.gif
You know what someone's talking about. That's what was great about it.
someones
↓
48055658-fd39-43c0-a099-ccc353e3877c.gif
You could be like, "I was at the zoo today and I saw a midget."
midgettoday
↓
71a162ce-b46c-4442-82fd-fc34ff18ad2a.gif
And you'd be like, "Did they feed him to the lions? What happened next?"
feedhappenedlions
↓
775016c6-153e-472e-a77c-f305046d3ff6.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
88f978dd-4676-4ccf-89a2-8560ade4961b.gif
But now, I can't say that.
↓
d2e3867c-963f-4201-a5f1-d8de4c2c3e9b.gif
Now, I gotta be like, "I saw a little person."
person
↓
5745447f-9a87-4d94-843a-9e815e47a817.gif
-And you're like, "Was it a child, or..." -[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughschildlaughs
↓
3df99587-3c06-4d9c-bf3b-805f83657287.gif
Like, "No. Under 4'11" with the hands."
hands
↓
67df035a-ed2f-4f46-a75d-3af135fe8ce6.gif
"Oh, okay."
↓
351c7cf2-7c36-46ea-a871-1d7ecf79a15b.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
4a068603-3514-497f-bffc-266701301cc0.gif
Now you know what I'm saying.
↓
a1722035-0faf-4b45-b55e-6409ef1b43ac.gif
So...
↓
f166db4c-3fca-4d0e-98d8-bcee0d81045c.gif
You might be sitting in your seat now, going, "Tom, what can we still say?
mightseatsitting
↓
e280e15f-b0b5-4a6a-9f30-ca8b75c249e2.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
79b5ff11-3dc5-47af-a427-e0aabdec5a44.gif
What can we say?" I'll tell you what you can say.
↓
db9a7111-546f-45c7-aab8-18654ff5d10f.gif
White racial slurs.
racialwhite
↓
c12e0b57-298c-4786-9099-289d4bbbcfe2.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
23d6988e-9f35-4305-b3ca-6e986df8725c.gif
All of 'em.
↓
b66bf449-793c-42b6-b5e8-54e3d0eb7efc.gif
Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut, polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky.
crackerfrogguineahonky
↓
db46d4f6-d673-4b43-8735-c3ca706147b5.gif
Have fun.
fun
↓
bc612c8c-a36d-4735-a687-38b1b10130a1.gif
[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
↓
57d8a3db-3e56-44ab-ac90-cb45ad3d7717.gif
Say 'em all you want.