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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E02 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 2 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

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And if you're not white, and you're going, "Wait, are you saying I can say those?"
white
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-That's exactly what I'm saying. -[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
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Nobody cares.
caresnobodynobody-cares
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Call up your Italian friend tomorrow and be like, "Hey, you fuckin' guinea."
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[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
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And he'll go, [laughs] "I don't care.
carelaughs
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[audience laughs]
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I don't give a shit."
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It's not a historically disenfranchised group.
grouphistorically
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The best slur of all, for me, I think, is honky. And I'll tell you why.
besthonkyslur
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The word honky is hilarious... in and of itself.
hilarioushonkyword
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But for some reason, truly racist white people have latched onto that word.
racistreasontrulywhiteword
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It's like this great indicator to know if someone's racist.
racistsomeones
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If they act like that word is offensive, run, okay?
offensiveword
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[audience laughs]
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You don't believe me, watch the news.
believenewswatch
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Next time there's some racial fight in the news, they'll find some hillbilly.
fighthillbillynewsracial
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"What happened?" He'll be like, "Well, he called me a honky."
calledhappenedhonky
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[audience laughs]
audienceaudience-laughslaughs
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And they're like, "Did you pass out from laughing hysterically,
hystericallylaughingpass
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or what happened next?"
happened
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He's like, "No, I stabbed him." And you're like, "Oh, shit.
stabbed
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That's fuckin' crazy."
crazyfuckin
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I'll pay you to call me a honky. I don't care. It's a great word.
carehonkyword
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I saw a racial fight recently, which is terrible, but I watched it.
fightracialrecentlywatched
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[audience laughs]
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How are you not gonna watch?
watch
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You're gonna watch every fight, you know? Fights have that weird quality.
fightfightsqualitywatchweird
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Fights are kinda like hand jobs, in that you don't really want one,
fightshandhand-jobsjobskinda
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but you're like, "We'll see where it goes." You know?
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[audience laughs]
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"Will you give it a kiss? No? All right." So, you know.
kiss
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[audience laughs]
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Had to take a shot. So...
shot
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I'm in Philadelphia, walking through the park in the middle of the day.
middleparkphiladelphiawalking
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Beautiful day in Philly, beautiful park. I'm walking through this park.
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And as I'm walking through it, I see a white guy.
walkingwhite
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And he yells across the park to a black guy,
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he calls him a n...
calls
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[mumbles]
mumbles
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-And... -[audience laughs]
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When you hear that and you're in public, you're like, "Oh, my God.
public
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[audience laughs]
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I'm gonna die." That's your first thought.
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And then, another black guy, I don't know if he lived in the bushes, but...
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[audience laughs]
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He popped out of the bushes, like...
bushespopped
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[audience laughs]
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