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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E03 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog (2020)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 3 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog (2020)

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How you doing?
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No shit.
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Thank you, thank you.
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How you guys doing? All right.
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Thank you very much. It's great to be in Austin, Texas.
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Um...
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Yeah.
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When I do the road, I leave a wife and two small kids,
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and, uh, she's... she's pretty attached, you know.
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Um...
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She cries when I leave.
cries
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Like...
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...all the time.
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Yeah, she does.
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I leave, and she's like... "It's gonna be hard when you're gone."
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And then I have to do, like, an acting exercise, and I'm like...
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"It's gonna be hard for me, too." You know?
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It's not hard.
hard
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It's fun.
fun
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I just did it backstage on the phone, like five minutes ago.
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She's like... "I'm all alone at the house."
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And I was like... "I'm all alone out here." You know?
alone
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No, I'm not.
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Yeah.
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She's great. She's great. I love her. I love the kids more, but I do love her.
kidslove
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Well, it's a different love, you know?
love
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Like, I don't want to fuck the kids. So there's a start.
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"That's good, Tom." So...
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It is beyond your capacity to explain how much you end up loving your kids.
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It is. And, like, now I'm on that side of it,
side
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so I get to be amused by people who don't have kids
kids
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who swear that they get it.
swear
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That's my favorite.
favorite
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Like, to hang out with a friend who doesn't have any kids, and he's like,
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"Yeah, man, I see that you love your kids.
kidslove
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I totally know what you're feeling because...
feeling
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I love my dog."
love
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And I'm like, "Yeah."
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No.
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I'm not diminishing pet love.
love
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Pet love is real.
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- Yes! - Absolutely.
absolutely
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I've had pets my entire life. It's the best.
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I've rescued animals. I encourage you to do it.
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I have a dog that I adore.
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But here is the difference between my love for that dog and my kids.
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If that dog were to hurt one of my kids,
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immediately and without question...
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