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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E03 — Mostly Stories (2016)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 3 — Mostly Stories (2016)

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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

corrections sync

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[soft piano music plays]

music music-plays piano piano-music plays soft

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[Tom] I love being a stand-up comedian.

comedian love stand

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It's the best job in the world.

best world

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And I love being an L.A. comic.

comic love

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Bam!

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Alfred the assassin.

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As a comic, what you're supposed to do is live your life and report it.

comic life live report supposed

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[woman] Anytime I do something nice for you,

anytime woman

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- you shit on me! - When is that?!

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I love the whole process.

love process whole

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[woman] You have a little dick.

dick woman

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Writing. Performing.

performing writing

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Figuring out how to make a joke work.

figuring joke

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It's the best.

best

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But most of all, I love meeting the people of this city.

city love meeting

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- They always inspire me. - [shouting] Hey!

inspire shouting

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Tom Segura!

segura

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Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!

bite

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You have to do it!

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I love them. They have nothing but admiration for me.

love

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[speaks foreign language]

foreign foreign-language language speaks

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Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.

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[speaks foreign language]

foreign foreign-language language speaks

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I just know there's no stopping us.

stopping

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Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here?

nigger

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What's up, fat boy?

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- 'Sup? - Making a food show, bitch?

bitch food

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- No. - You should.

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Bam! 'Cause you fat as fuck!

fuck

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This fat motherfucker right here, man.

motherfucker

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- You got pancake titties. - You do!

pancake titties

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Fuck this city. I'm re-shooting this thing.

city fuck shooting

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Eat a dick, Paul Blart.

dick paul

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This fat motherfucker, man.

motherfucker

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[man] Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!

gentlemen ladies segura

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- [cheers and applause] - [up-tempo music playing]

applause cheers music music-playing playing tempo

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[music continues]

continues music music-continues

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[Tom] What up?

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Thank you! Thank you, guys.

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Thank you very much.

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It's great to be in Seattle.

seattle

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- [crowd roars] - Yes.

crowd roars

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One of my favorite places, and I am fucking falling apart.

apart falling falling-apart favorite fucking places

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All right, um...

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I hate who I'm becoming, socially.

becoming hate socially

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Like, all my social interactions,

social

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I'm disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.

mouth punch somebody

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Like, I start weather chats with people all the time now,

start weather

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like, ugh.

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I got off the plane here, and the guy that picks me up at the airport,

airport picks plane

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I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"

rains

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[laughter]

laughter

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And I swear, there's another voice in my head going,

another head swear voice

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"You're a piece of shit for this conversation."

conversation piece

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[laughter]

laughter

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What's the guy supposed to say? He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."

supposed

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[laughter]

laughter

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"...it does.

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And you're a real piece of shit for this, just so you know."

piece real

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I wanted to abort, I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.

abort wanted

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Like, "I'm from Southern California, we sure could use it."

california southern

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- [chuckles] - [laughter]

chuckles laughter

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And he was like, "I'll run us off the fucking road.

fucking road

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I'll kill us both, I swear to God I will."

kill swear

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God forbid I meet a tall person now, like...

forbid meet person tall

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If you're over six-four,

four

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there's no way I'm not addressing it. I'm gonna be like,

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- "Wow, you're tall." - [laughter]

laughter tall

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"Do you like basketball? Yeah? Is that your thing?

basketball

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I have a friend that's tall."

friend tall

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Dude, you just told a grown man you have a fucking friend that's tall.

friend fucking grown tall

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Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?

dads strong super

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- I bet he's stronger than your dad." - [laughter]

laughter stronger

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Ugh.

↓

It's better than my dad's actual small talk,

actual dads

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which is awkwardly racial small talk.

awkwardly racial

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It's not racist, but it involves race. Um...

involves race racist

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Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know, the server walks up and she's Asian.

asian restaurant server walks

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- My dad will be like, "You Chinese?" - [laughter]

chinese laughter

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And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."

korean

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"Oh, I was in Vietnam."

vietnam

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- And I'm like... - [laughter]

laughter

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"What are you doing?"

↓

"What? I was." "I know. What does that have to do with anything?"

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Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them when I left, if you know what I mean."

fewer left

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- I'm like, "Oh, man." - [laughter]

laughter

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[whistles] Well...

whistles

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"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes, we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."

cokes diet quick wrap

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Dude, if he meets a black guy, shut it the fuck down, okay?

black fuck meets

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'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...

weird

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Dude, I see it. A black guy starts talking to us and my dad'll be like...

black starts

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[laughter]

laughter

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I can see it in his eyes, like a clock's ticking down.

clocks eyes ticking

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And I'm like, "How weird are you about to be with him?"

weird

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He looks like a dog, when you show a dog a treat and you're like, "Sit still."

treat

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And the dog's like...

dogs

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[laughter]

laughter

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"I work with a black guy!"

black

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- Ohh. Ohh. - [laughter]

laughter

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Oh, man.

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"Yeah, Carl. You know him? I don't know...

carl

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Thought you knew each other. I don't know.

↓

I don't know him. He works in the building."

building works

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You're like, "Fuck."

fuck

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Jesus.

jesus

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Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad. Isn't that crazy?

crazy dads speaking

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[crowd cheers]

cheers crowd crowd-cheers

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I know. Well...

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You know, not my fucking problem. You know what I mean? Um...

fucking problem

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- [laughter] - That's your kid. So...

laughter

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No, I'm gonna stick around. I wanna see what it looks and stuff.

stick stuff

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- [laughter] - Just for a second. But...

laughter second

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So crazy, man. All I did was, I didn't pull out.

crazy pull

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- And then... - [laughter]

laughter

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Now I'm gonna be a dad. So nuts.

nuts

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Isn't that crazy? As a man, all you do is you dump inside of a girl and then...

crazy dump girl

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there's life? That's a pretty crude way of putting that. I'm sorry. But...

crude life putting

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that's what happens.

happens

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Let's just talk about how good that feels. I...

feels

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[laughter]

laughter

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Dude, I've been pulling out for years.

pulling years

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And no comp... No orgasm... You don't have an org...

comp orgasm

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and you're like, "Oh, that sucks." Like, it's still...

sucks

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It feels great. But when you leave it in?

feels

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Dude.

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[laughter]

laughter

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Here's all I'm saying.

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If you're a pull-out guy, next time? Don't.

pull

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[laughter]

laughter

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Even if she tells you to. Be like, "I forgot."

forgot tells

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[laughter]

laughter

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And she'll whine about it.

shell whine

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[whines]

whines

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"What if I'm pregnant?

pregnant

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My career!"

career

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And you'll be like, "Is law school on hold? All right.

school

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Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut."

hair

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[mixed laughter]

laughter mixed

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Guys! I'm joking. I'm joking.

joking

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[laughter]

laughter

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- [crowd cheers] - Joke.

cheers crowd crowd-cheers joke

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- I'm not joking. But... - [laughter]

joking laughter

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God, it feels so good!

feels

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I can't even... I can't even describe how much better it feels.

describe feels

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The best I've come up with is, remember when you were a kid,

best remember

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and the first time you tried something with melted cheese,

cheese melted tried

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- and you were like, "What the fuck?" - [laughter]

fuck laughter

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"This is the same thing?" And they're like, "Same shit."

↓

And you're like, "This is amazing!

amazing

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I can have this whenever I want?" "Mm-hm. Whenever you want.

↓

Just eight, ten seconds and it's your world, man."

eight seconds world

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You're like, "Oh, my God!"

↓

- It's like that, but down here. - [laughter]

laughter

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Feels so good.

feels

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Ohh. Here's what a piece of shit I am.

piece

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I...

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I have been fantasizing a lot

fantasizing

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about people asking me

asking

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how I lost the weight that I haven't lost yet.

lost weight

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[laughter]

laughter

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And, like, I just have so many answers.

answers

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Like, I really enjoy doing...

enjoy

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In my head, I'm like, "Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."

diet head lifestyle

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[laughter]

laughter

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"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.

choices smarter

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I mean, drink more water. Look at me, I've never felt better.

drink water

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I have so much energy. If I can do it, you can do it."

energy

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And then I eat chocolate soufflé, as I have...

chocolate

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- [imitates chewing sounds] - [laughter]

chewing imitates laughter sounds

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Like, "Well, next year I'll probably be ready for this conversation."

conversation ready

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Fucking asshole.

asshole fucking fucking-asshole

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I don't even want to, like, lose weight to live long or be healthy.

healthy live lose lose-weight weight

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I don't. I just want to be able to make fun of fat people again.

able fun

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[laughter]

laughter

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And know for sure that they're fatter than me.

fatter

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'Cause, like, sometimes... Now I'm like anybody,

anybody sometimes

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I'll be like, "Look at this fat fucking asshole."

asshole fucking fucking-asshole

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And someone'll be like, "You're fatter."

fatter

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And I'm like, "Oh. Really?" And they're like, "By a lot!"

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[laughter]

laughter

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"You should want his body." And I'm like, "Ah, fuck, man."

body fuck

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Since I'm gonna have a kid, I don't want to be the fat dad.

↓

Remember when we were in elementary school, in like fifth grade?

elementary elementary-school fifth fifth-grade grade remember school

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You're like, "Hey, look at Billy's fat fuckin' dad."

billys fuckin

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[laughter]

laughter

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[chortles] "Fuckin'..."

chortles fuckin

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"Just fuckin' batter him up tonight and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"

batter billys fuckin tonight

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Just don't want to be that guy.

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I got a trainer.

trainer

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They gave me a trainer. That's a better way of saying that.

trainer

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I joined a gym, and they go, "Do you want a free training session?"

free joined session training

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I was like, "Okay. What does it normally cost?"

cost normally

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And they're like, "Like $900."

↓

I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal. That's awesome."

awesome deal

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[crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

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The first session is a bait session. It's ridiculous.

bait ridiculous session

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The guy's like, "Stand up."

stand

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Like, "Okay." He's like, "Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."

athlete powerful

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[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Were you pro before?"

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I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."

↓

He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle fibers look really great." I'm like...

muscle

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He's like, "Want to do this all the time?" I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.

absolutely

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This is a good boost for me. I like this a lot."

boost

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Second session, way different than the first session.

second session

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Second session, I'm doing burpies.

second session

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Like, you jump on the ground then you jump onto a wooden block.

block ground jump wooden

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I'm running through sand pushing a sled.

pushing running sand sled

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"And I go, is this SEAL school? What are we doing right now?"

school seal

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[laughter]

laughter

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In the middle of this workout, my trainer goes "Stop!"

middle trainer workout

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And I said, "Thank you."

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[laughter]

laughter

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He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"

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And I go, "Yeah, so you don't have to give me CPR, I think."

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[laughter]

laughter

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And he goes, "No. The Holy Spirit."

holy holy-spirit spirit

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"What?"

↓

[laughter]

laughter

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And he goes, "The Holy Spirit told me to tell you to stop."

holy holy-spirit spirit

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And I go...

↓

"What...

↓

did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?"

fuck sign

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And he goes, "Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"

believe christ jesus jesus-christ

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And I said, "Is He gonna make me do push-ups?"

push

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[laughter]

laughter

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And that right there, he got really mad at that. Like...

↓

really upset. He was like, "It's not all jokes!"

jokes upset

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"I said one thing. I can't say one thing? All right."

↓

And he tells me to take the big plate, the 45-pound plate.

plate pound tells

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"Hold it over your head and run down to the pier and back."

head

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And the pier's, like, three-quarters of a mile.

mile quarters three

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And I go, "Nope."

nope

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[laughter]

laughter

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"Not doing that."

↓

He's like, "You're quitting? You're quitting on me?"

quitting

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And I go, "No, I'm not quitting, it's just that...

quitting

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the Holy Spirit..."

holy holy-spirit spirit

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[laughter]

laughter

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"...it talks to me, too.

talks

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And it said there's no way I'm gonna make this run

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without throwing up and people laughing at me.

laughing throwing

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So, I'm gonna get a peanut butter protein shake. I'm out, man."

butter peanut peanut-butter protein shake

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And I took off.

↓

I'm not doing that shit.

↓

I'm not making fun of you if you're religious.

fun religious

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I think that's great. Any faith.

faith

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Christian, Muslim, Jew, what...

christian muslim

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If you're a Scientologist, you can go fuck yourself. But...

fuck

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- [crowd cheers] - Yeah.

cheers crowd crowd-cheers

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Because it's not old.

↓

It's gotta be old.

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[crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

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It's fair to say there's some times I don't want to hear about it.

fair times

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You know? Like working out?

working

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Um... Getting high.

↓

That's a bummer.

bummer

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Right? Like, when there's pills and cash and tits out and...

cash pills tits

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someone's like, "Have you thought about accepting the Lord into your life?"

accepting life lord someones

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And you're like, "I'm trying to make bad decisions.

decisions

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Why are you doing this to me?"

↓

That and pre-sex.

↓

That is the worst.

worst

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During sex, as-salamu alaykum.

↓

- Anything goes. But... - [laughter]

laughter

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Pre-sex? Like, right before, and the girl's like,

girls

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"Oh! What if God's watching us?"

gods watching

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And you're like, "What?!"

↓

[laughter]

laughter

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"'What if God is watching us?'

watching

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Of course He's watching us!

course watching

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He sees everything and this is hands-down His favorite shit!"

favorite hands sees

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[laughter]

laughter

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[crowd cheering]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

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Yeah.

↓

"Quit being a baby, put another knuckle in there and let's give Him a show!"

another baby knuckle quit

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[laughter]

laughter

↓

[chuckles]

chuckles

↓

[laughter]

laughter

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Digit play, it's fun. Get into it. But...

digit fun

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let's be clear about this, guys.

clear

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We're not gonna agree on everything. Okay?

agree

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But we should agree on this.

agree

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If you bring a baby into a movie theater,

baby bring movie movie-theater theater

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you're a piece of shit.

piece

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[crowd cheering]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

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Yup.

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If your reason for doing it is you couldn't get a babysitter,

babysitter reason

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well, then, you don't get to go to the movies.

movies

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That's how that works.

works

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It happened to me in back-to-back movies,

happened movies

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which statistically I did not think was possible.

possible statistically

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First movie, I'm in there five minutes.

five five-minutes minutes movie

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I'm watching the movie and I hear, "Waaah."

movie watching

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"What?"

↓

I turn,

↓

and in the row behind me there's a mother, a father and a baby.

baby behind father mother

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Not a child, which I think is an important distinction.

child distinction

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It's a baby. I'm like, "All right, these people are insane. Um...

baby insane

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I'll just ignore this."

ignore

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Turn back, 30 seconds later, "Waah."

seconds waah

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I'm like, "Well, now I have to say something."

↓

Now...

↓

I'm polite.

polite

↓

So I turn and I go, "Excuse me,

excuse

↓

are you stabbing your baby right now?"

baby stabbing

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[laughter]

laughter

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"'Cause it sounds like it."

sounds

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And the dad goes... [heavy accent] "No, I love the baby."

accent baby heavy love

↓

- You picture him, okay? - [laughter]

laughter picture

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"I love him. Pero...

love

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no.

↓

It's my baby."

baby

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And I said, "Well, could you? 'Cause I'm trying to watch this movie."

movie watch

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[laughter]

laughter

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"And...

↓

your baby's ruining it."

babys ruining

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He's like, "No, no puedo." So...

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I get up, I go to the lobby,

lobby

↓

I see the manager of the theater and I go, "Hey!

manager theater

↓

There's a fucking baby in there...

baby fucking

↓

being a baby right now."

baby

↓

And the manager goes, "Some people suck."

manager suck

↓

And he walked away.

walked

↓

That is the best customer service line I've ever heard in my life.

best customer customer-service heard life line service

↓

Hands down.

hands

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

You can't even get mad!

↓

If you're in a restaurant, been waiting on your food, like,

food restaurant waiting

↓

"Where the fuck is my food? I've been here half an hour!"

food fuck half hour

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And the manager's like, "Some people suck." Like,

suck

↓

"Oh yeah. Some people suck. I didn't think about it. My bad.

suck

↓

Sorry about that."

↓

I left. I left.

left

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The next day, I go back to the movies.

movies

↓

I should point out I saw a different movie.

movie point

↓

It was also a different baby.

baby

↓

It's not the same family standing out front

family front standing

↓

and then they see me and they're like, "Oh, there he is. Let's go inside...

↓

and ruin this for him again."

ruin

↓

This time I am way further into the movie.

further movie

↓

I'm emotionally invested in this movie.

emotionally invested movie

↓

I like the movie.

movie

↓

And then, out of nowhere, I hear, "Waah."

waah

↓

This time, I swear to you, I audibly go,

swear

↓

"Nuh-uh."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And now, other people get involved.

involved

↓

You know when you can hear somebody's age in their voice?

somebodys voice

↓

Like, I can't see shit. It's a dark theater.

dark theater

↓

I just hear a guy go, "Either make it quiet or get it out!"

quiet

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

That guy's 140 years old!

years

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Like, I could hear that he'd never hugged his children.

children hugged

↓

- I could hear it in his voice. - [laughter]

laughter voice

↓

This time, the mother of the baby goes,

baby mother

↓

"Shut up."

↓

- And I was like, "Oh shit!" Like... - [laughter]

laughter

↓

"We have a situation."

situation

↓

And then a third person goes, "Shh."

person third

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

What are you doing? "Shush" is passive-aggressive.

aggressive passive shush

↓

She said, "Shut up." Just go straight to "fuck you!"

fuck straight

↓

What are you doing?

↓

But now... I wanted to be the hero and save the movie.

hero movie save wanted

↓

I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.

injustice sense tremendous

↓

Like, all these movies are being ruined by babies, but...

babies movies ruined

↓

I didn't realize I was too angry in that moment to um, what is it?

angry moment realize

↓

Speak English words in a sentence.

english sentence speak speak-english words

↓

You know when you get real rage, like... [barks]

barks rage real

↓

- Like, just... - [crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

"Dude..."

↓

- [barks] Like... - [laughter]

barks laughter

↓

[growls]

growls

↓

Like, you feel it, your throat dries out, and... aah!

throat

↓

So I stood up in the theater with the best intentions and I went...

best intentions stood theater

↓

"Why is everybody not in the adult movie?!"

adult everybody movie

↓

- Like none of it made sense. - [laughter]

laughter sense

↓

Everybody's like, "Who's that fucking guy? What's his problem?"

everybodys fucking problem

↓

I was...

↓

I was trying to say, "Let's be civilized adults."

adults civilized

↓

But instead I went "adult movie."

adult movie

↓

"Porn's on now.

↓

Cover your baby's eyes."

babys cover eyes

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

The next thing, I see a white T-shirt pop up

shirt white

↓

and I'm like, "Well, there's the dad."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Some of you got it. And...

↓

He looked around, like, "Who's talking shit?"

looked

↓

And I was like, "I'm talking shit, bitch."

bitch

↓

I didn't say it, but he knew what was up. But then...

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I went out the exit immediately

exit immediately

↓

cause I'm not getting my ass kicked over The Lego Movie, so I left.

kicked left movie

↓

[cheering]

cheering

↓

You guys, are you ever just

↓

tired of being alive?

alive tired

↓

- Know what I mean? Like... - [crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

I'm not suicidal.

suicidal

↓

I just feel like I've done a lot and I've seen a lot. And now I'm like,

seen

↓

- "Let's wrap this shit up. Like..." - [laughter]

laughter wrap

↓

Right? Like, how many fucking days are there?

days fucking

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I want to skip a grade. Remember...

grade remember skip

↓

elementary school, and you get to the first day of,

elementary elementary-school school

↓

whatever, third grade, and you're like, "Where's Brian?"

brian grade third third-grade

↓

They're like, "He skipped." "Excuse me? How?"

excuse skipped

↓

They're like, "He can add like a motherfucker. I don't know. He just...

motherfucker

↓

- Four, eight, twelve. He gets it." - [laughter]

eight four laughter twelve

↓

And then you go, "I want to skip." And they're like... [chuckling]

chuckling skip

↓

"Don't even think about that. Think about other shit."

↓

I'd love to skip in real life.

life love real real-life skip

↓

That would be the best program, if they were like,

best program

↓

"If you kill it this year, you have the best year,

best kill

↓

at the end of the year, a magical fairy

fairy magical

↓

or government official will come to your house...

government house official

↓

and they go, 'You crushed it this year.'"

crushed

↓

- And you're like, "I know." - [crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

Then they're like, "Now you can skip as many years as you want."

skip years

↓

I'd be like, "What the fuck?!

fuck

↓

Really?" "Mm-hmm. How many do you want to skip?"

skip

↓

"Thirty?"

thirty

↓

Just land at retirement.

land retirement

↓

I don't wanna live much longer than that anyways.

anyways live longer

↓

Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?

↓

Seventy so I can be "officially old" and experience old guy stuff,

experience officially stuff

↓

like people talking to me like I'm a pet, and, um...

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

You ever see that? When they're like, "Hey, hey. How you doing?

↓

You're so good. Would you like me to get you anything?"

↓

Like, "Yeah. Put some water in my bowl. What the fuck is this shit?" Like...

bowl fuck water

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

But I don't want to live much longer than that.

live longer

↓

I mean, I hear people in conversation go,

conversation

↓

"I want to live to be a hundred."

hundred live

↓

Really?

↓

Have you seen 80?

seen

↓

I mean, my dad has a friend that's 87.

friend

↓

- He looks like a goblin. Okay? - [laughter]

goblin laughter

↓

He is terrifying to look at.

terrifying

↓

And he knows it.

knows

↓

He's like, "I'm coming around the corner. Don't look at me." He knows it.

coming corner knows

↓

- [laughter] - It's scary.

laughter scary

↓

Here's how much it sucks to be that old.

sucks

↓

When he was 84, he stopped taking his heart medication.

heart medication stopped

↓

And I go, "Why did you do that?" And he goes, "I don't want to be here."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

If you see him now, you're like, "How you doing?"

↓

- "Unfortunately, alive." - [laughter]

alive laughter unfortunately

↓

"But He won't take me."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

The only thing I have going for me with that old stuff

stuff

↓

is that I will be the best old guy.

best

↓

I already know it. Like, I have their personality.

personality

↓

I'm anti-social as shit.

anti social

↓

I don't want to do anything. Like...

↓

whenever anybody says to me, "Hey, man. Do you wanna go check out the..."

anybody check

↓

I go, "No to the rest of your sentence. Whatever it is, I don't want to do it."

rest sentence

↓

I don't want to meet new people.

meet

↓

Not one more, as long as I live, for the rest of my life.

life live rest

↓

That's the same as old people.

↓

Try it if you want. Be like, "Hey, Grandpa!

grandpa

↓

I want you to meet Steve." And he'll go, "Fuck Steve."

fuck meet steve

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"I know everybody I need to know.

everybody

↓

Gonna watch my shows." [blows raspberry]

blows blows-raspberry raspberry shows watch

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Know what I really want? I want to be that old...

↓

I don't know if it's an age, it's just a way of being old.

↓

There's a certain level of old

certain level

↓

where you get yelled at for trying to be helpful.

helpful yelled

↓

That looks awesome.

awesome

↓

Know what I mean? When an old guy's like, "I'm gonna take out the trash."

trash

↓

And someone's like, "Are you out of your fucking mind?

fucking mind someones

↓

Your spine'll snap. Sit down!"

snap

↓

- "Okay." - [laughter]

laughter

↓

"I tried. I'm sorry."

tried

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

That looks amazing.

amazing

↓

I really want that old guy confidence that I see...

confidence

↓

in the locker room. Yeah. That's another thing.

another locker locker-room room

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Dude. Another thing I've noticed since joining the gym,

another joining noticed

↓

there's two types of guys:

types

↓

Guys that are 65 and older, and then guys that cover their dicks.

cover dicks older

↓

Because old guys...

↓

do not.

↓

It's crazy!

crazy

↓

The first few days, I thought it was peacocking.

days

↓

Like showing off, you know?

showing

↓

'Cause I saw some fucking hammers

fucking hammers

↓

where you walk in and you're like, "Whoa, yeah!"

walk whoa

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"I wouldn't wear pants either. Nice work, pal."

pants wear

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

But then, like the third day, I saw a guy,

third

↓

he had just like the cutest little thing.

cutest

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And he was just like all on the...

↓

He was like, "Oil prices are crazy right now."

crazy prices

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I'm like, "Dude, you have a little grain of rice. You don't give a shit?"

grain rice

↓

He didn't. He didn't care.

care

↓

I want that confidence.

confidence

↓

I don't even know how it's attainable.

↓

Like, if I know anyone's gonna see it, I'm gonna... you know?

anyones

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Give it a smack.

smack

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And then you go, "Huh. There's an inch."

inch

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Let's not act like I'm the only self-fluffer in the room, okay?

room self

↓

Dude.

↓

Ladies, if you've ever received a dick-pic before, um,

dick ladies received

↓

here's some secret intel: That's not the first shot.

intel secret shot

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Pretty much goes like this: Click.

click

↓

- "Fuck that." And then... - [laughter]

fuck laughter

↓

"Oh, yeah, that's me. That's all me right there. That's me."

↓

God, sweating my fucking balls off.

balls fucking sweating

↓

Like a preacher. Amen.

amen

↓

- All right. So... - [laughter]

laughter

↓

Ha!

↓

This is a very... I think this...

↓

Pretty girls. Pretty town. A lot of good-looking girls in this town. Um...

girls looking town

↓

I noticed, stylistically,

noticed

↓

I feel like a lot of girls here have nose rings,

girls nose rings

↓

and I have to tell you, I fucking dig it.

fucking

↓

Yeah.

↓

I like a girl with a nose ring.

girl nose ring

↓

I think it says something. I think it says,

↓

- "I have other piercings, and..." - [crowd chuckling]

chuckling crowd

↓

- "...you can see them." - [laughter]

laughter

↓

"As soon as I get this hemp bra off."

hemp

↓

- But... - [laughter]

laughter

↓

Eyebrow ring, that's another level.

another eyebrow level ring

↓

That is a statement.

statement

↓

And that statement is: "Fisting is my first base."

base statement

↓

Like, those chicks are fuckin' down. Am I right?

chicks fuckin

↓

- [crowd cheering] - Yeah.

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Some of you... No? I'm seeing disappointment

disappointment seeing

↓

in some people's faces, for sure.

faces peoples peoples-faces

↓

Yeah. Some people are like, "Mm-mm."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Didn't sign up for this shit. No, sir."

sign

↓

And the rest of you are like, "But... But, Tom!

rest

↓

What about tongue rings? What about tongue rings, Tom?"

rings tongue

↓

What about them?!

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Tools of the trade.

tools trade

↓

Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush?

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Who is Beethoven without his piano?

beethoven piano

↓

That girl has a tongue ring 'cause her mouth is a homing device for cocks!

cocks device girl mouth ring tongue

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

You leave her alone!

alone

↓

Or just show her your dick. There's a pretty good chance

chance dick

↓

she's gonna lap that shit up. Mm-mm-mm-mm.

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Don't get upset. It's silly. It's a silly joke.

joke silly upset

↓

Look, I'm not a misogynistic pig.

↓

I think women should judge men equally and harshly.

equally judge women

↓

You know what never fails?

fails

↓

Judge men based on what they drive.

based drive judge

↓

Ladies...

ladies

↓

if a guy picks you up in a minivan,

minivan picks

↓

he is telling you,

telling

↓

"Why have sex when we can collect all the Angry Birds stuffed animals?"

angry animals birds collect stuffed stuffed-animals

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Full-size van. Whoa.

full size whoa

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

That's more like,

↓

"You wanna go out? Well, you're coming."

coming

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Kidnapping joke, yeah?

joke kidnapping

↓

Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up in a Honda and it's lowered,

ladies lowered picks

↓

real low, low... to the ground...

ground real

↓

and there's some cool blue lights underneath it,

blue cool lights underneath

↓

that says, "When we get to this restaurant, get whatever you want.

restaurant

↓

My mom's got this. Don't worry about it. I got it. Yeah."

moms worry

↓

- [laughter] - "Yeah."

laughter

↓

"Yeah, she gave me tip money. Yeah!"

money

↓

Oh, man.

↓

I was in, uh, London...

london

↓

Canada.

canada

↓

- Um, they have one. - [crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

And...

↓

Doesn't that kinda bother you? A little bit?

bother kinda

↓

When a barely city is like, "Let's name it after an awesome city."

awesome barely city name

↓

- [laughter] - [snickers]

laughter snickers

↓

And they have the nerve to ask you, "How do you like London?"

london nerve

↓

"The real one, or this turd you put in a dress? Because..."

dress real turd

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Like, the fucking balls on Paris, Tennessee,

balls fucking paris

↓

to name their city Paris?

city name paris

↓

And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower?

built mini tower

↓

Like you're gonna walk around confused,

confused walk

↓

like, "Well, bonjour! I don't even know where I'm at!"

bonjour

↓

[laughter, cheering]

cheering laughter

↓

"Can I get me a 'crassant?'" [chortles]

chortles

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Fuck Paris, Tennessee.

fuck paris

↓

So, we're leaving...

leaving

↓

London, Ontario, Canada...

canada london

↓

bothers me just to say it.

bothers

↓

And we're headed back to Toronto,

headed toronto

↓

and we pass by a strip club named Beef.

beef club named pass strip strip-club

↓

- Now... - [crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

Yeah, your hearing is working just fine.

hearing working

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

There's a strip club named Beef! I mean...

beef club named strip strip-club

↓

can you even wrap your head around the confidence a young lady has to have

confidence head lady wrap young young-lady

↓

just to audition at Beef?

audition beef

↓

Just to be like, "I know they're hiring at Diamonds, but I'm more of a Beef girl."

beef diamonds girl hiring

↓

- Like, that is... - [laughter]

laughter

↓

It's such an aggressive name, even for a casual conversation.

aggressive casual conversation name

↓

To be like, "Oh, you strip?"

strip

↓

"Where do you strip at?" "Beef."

beef strip

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

- "Jesus." - [laughter]

jesus laughter

↓

"What goes on there?" "Pretty intense shit, actually.

intense

↓

We recommend you start your night at a different strip club

club night recommend start strip strip-club

↓

and graduate to Beef. You start here, we'll wreck your life."

beef graduate life start wreck

↓

Like, "All right. God."

↓

Fuckin' Beef is the name...

beef fuckin name

↓

Fart is a better name for a strip club.

club fart name strip strip-club

↓

If somebody was like, "You wanna go to a strip club?

club somebody strip strip-club

↓

It's called Fart." I'd be like, "No, I don't want to go there."

called fart

↓

"There's another one called Beef." "All right, let's check out Fart."

another beef called check fart

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"See where that ends up."

ends

↓

I feel like...

↓

the worst part, honestly, of traveling in our country

country part traveling worst worst-part

↓

is that there's no surprises.

surprises

↓

I swear to you, I travel every week,

swear travel week

↓

and it's really a disappointment.

disappointment

↓

Every place is exactly what I thought it was going to be.

place

↓

You know? I can prove it to you.

prove

↓

Picture a place you've never been to in this country. Picture it.

country picture place

↓

That's exactly how it is.

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

What are the people like, you wonder?

wonder

↓

What do you think they're like?

↓

That's right.

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

It's... I swear to you!

swear

↓

Go to San Francisco. They're like, "Ah, we're offended."

francisco offended

↓

And you're like, "Yep."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"I know."

↓

Texas? I don't think the people of Texas

texas

↓

necessarily want to execute retarded people,

execute necessarily retarded

↓

but I think they're like, "You know what? This is Texas. So... whoo!"

texas whoo

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"That's how we do it around here, brother. A little boot scoot boop!

boop boot brother scoot

↓

See you later, dumdum. All right."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

They've done it multiple times!

multiple times

↓

They keep doing it.

↓

"I'm sowwy." "Yeah, me too."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Crazy.

crazy

↓

The Midwest? I mean, don't you feel like

midwest

↓

we could draw a circle around the Midwest and be like,

circle draw midwest

↓

- "Do we need this?" - [laughter]

laughter

↓

Except for wherever you're from. That place is fucking awesome.

awesome except fucking place

↓

The Northeast, shady fucking people in shady cities.

cities fucking northeast shady

↓

That's all they are. Just shady.

shady

↓

Just fucking all those places. Jersey, Philly, Balti... they're all...

fucking jersey philly places

↓

- [chortles] - [laughter]

chortles laughter

↓

"How you doing?" "Not now, thank you very much."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Can I help you with something?" "Nope. Never in my life."

life nope

↓

The one quality I do love about Northeastern people, though,

love quality

↓

you could be in an argument with them and be like, "You're a fucking asshole."

argument asshole fucking fucking-asshole

↓

- And they're like, "Thank you." - [laughter]

laughter

↓

"My dad's an asshole, and so am I. It's kind of a thing."

asshole dads

↓

Then what? You head, uh...

head

↓

you head on down south.

head south

↓

[chuckles]

chuckles

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

[Southern accent] Where "God don't make no junk."

accent junk southern southern-accent

↓

[snickers]

snickers

↓

That's a real expression, by the way:

expression real

↓

"God don't make no junk."

junk

↓

They say it a lot. I lived there for a while.

lived

↓

They say it to people who are complaining about their own situation.

complaining situation

↓

So essentially, it's a pick-me-up. Right?

essentially pick

↓

Like, some lady might go, "I ain't purty!"

aint lady might

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"And I ain't no good."

aint

↓

[crowd chuckling]

chuckling crowd

↓

"No one's ever gonna love me." [moans]

love moans ones

↓

And someone'll go, "Don't you talk that mess."

mess

↓

[crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

"Don't you say that, Sally... Billy Bob... Sandra. Don't you say that."

billy sally sandra

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"God don't make no junk."

junk

↓

I always want to interrupt and be like, "I'd like to politely disagree!"

disagree interrupt

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"I think He was nodding off when He made you."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"While your sunken eyes and protruding underbite are charming..."

charming eyes

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"...that map of white trash is not sending a lot of lead to the pencil. You're right!

lead pencil sending trash white white-trash

↓

You're gonna die alone, bah-bah-bah-Nascar-fart-beer."

alone beer fart

↓

[laughter, cheers]

cheers laughter

↓

"You big box of stupid."

stupid

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Here's great travel advice, okay?

advice travel

↓

Do not take the red-eye.

↓

If you don't know what that is,

↓

it's amazing that you made it this far in life.

amazing life

↓

It's when you fly overnight

overnight

↓

from the West Coast to the Eastern time zone.

coast eastern west zone

↓

Some people love that flight.

flight love

↓

And those people are sociopaths.

↓

- Because... here's why. - [laughter]

laughter

↓

You land and your body's like, "Well, it's 3:30 in the morning.

bodys land morning

↓

I guess we're going to sleep." And then the world goes...

sleep world

↓

- "Uh... nope!" - [laughter]

laughter nope

↓

"6:30, dickhead! Get ready to do stuff."

dickhead ready stuff

↓

And then you cry for days.

days

↓

Last one I ever went on, I boarded with my wife.

boarded wife

↓

We get on, she looks at our boarding passes, she goes,

boarding passes

↓

"We're not sitting next to each other." And I go, "Okay."

sitting

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I don't know.

↓

She goes, "You don't wanna switch seats?"

seats switch switch-seats

↓

And I go, "Not really."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And she goes, "Why not?" I said, "'Cause we don't have to."

↓

She goes, "What does that mean?"

↓

I said, "Well, there's only two people that have to sit next to each other,

↓

and they're up front."

front

↓

[laughter, applause]

applause laughter

↓

"We can sit anywhere."

↓

She goes, "You're gonna ask people to move."

↓

And I was like, "Great. Should be a real treat."

real treat

↓

That's always fun, right? "You all settled in?

fun settled

↓

- Want to stand the fuck up now?" Great. - [laughter]

fuck laughter stand

↓

So...

↓

we're both window seats. We need an aisle to move.

aisle seats window

↓

So I go to the guy sitting next to her, and this guy is old.

sitting

↓

I don't know how old, but it doesn't look good.

↓

He's... he's drooling... [grunts]

drooling grunts

↓

...he's got rubber where there used to be bones...

bones rubber used

↓

Put it this way:

↓

- It's his last flight. All right? So... - [laughter]

flight laughter

↓

After this one, no más.

↓

[crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

So I go, "Excuse me, Gandalf. Do you think that..."

excuse

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"...you could move so I can sit next to my wife?"

wife

↓

And he goes, "Move?"

↓

"Mm-hmm."

↓

He goes, "You move."

↓

- "Yep." - [crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

"I'll move here, and then you move there."

↓

And he goes, "You can't see a meniscus...

↓

[gibberish]

gibberish

↓

...I won't be able to stretch out as much.

able stretch

↓

[mumbling] I can't stretch. I gotta sit by the aisle access

access aisle mumbling stretch

↓

and stretch it out there so it's built up more.

built stretch

↓

It'll be seven, eight times more if I sit over there."

eight eight-times itll seven seven-eight times

↓

And I go, "Are you reading me a fucking novel about this?"

fucking novel reading

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Jesus, just say no!

jesus

↓

And I hope you lose your leg." And then I turned around.

hope lose turned

↓

Well, he was a dick.

dick

↓

He was.

↓

Was he old? Yes.

↓

Was he disabled? Severely.

disabled severely

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Disabled people have to earn their cool points just like the rest of us.

cool disabled earn points rest

↓

I'm so exhausted of the idea that everybody with a disability

everybody exhausted idea

↓

is automatically an angel on earth.

angel automatically earth

↓

They're not.

↓

They're people, and you should treat them like people.

treat

↓

But you don't. You patronize the shit out of them. Yeah.

patronize

↓

- I know you do. - [applause]

applause

↓

Of course. There's so many uncomfortably silent guilty faces in here right now.

course faces guilty silent uncomfortably

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Yeah. You know when you're at work and fucking Sam rolls up?

fucking rolls

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

It's always Sam.

↓

You don't go, "Hey, Sam."

↓

You go, "Hai, Sahm."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And he's like, "Hi."

↓

And you go, "How was your weekend?"

weekend

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

He's like, "It was good."

↓

"Well, that's good!"

↓

And he's like, "You know I'm not retarded right? I just can't stand up.

retarded stand

↓

You're a fucking asshole."

asshole fucking fucking-asshole

↓

[crowd laughs, cheers]

cheers crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Some of them are cool. Some of them are dicks.

cool dicks

↓

I was walking into a building not two weeks ago.

building walking weeks

↓

I open the door. Ten steps back, I notice a guy's coming up with no arms.

arms coming door notice open steps

↓

You know what I do? I hold the door.

door

↓

And when he gets up, he goes, "I don't need you to do that shit."

↓

And I go...

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

- "All right." - [cheering]

cheering

↓

"Okay, Stumpy. Um...

↓

let's watch you bite that handle for an hour.

bite handle hour watch

↓

- That'll be a fun fucking show." - [laughter]

fucking fun laughter thatll

↓

Fuck that guy.

fuck

↓

Absolutely fuck him. So...

absolutely fuck

↓

Midnight on this flight, the lights come on,

flight lights midnight

↓

and that's too early, right?

early

↓

That's too early for the red-eye. I panic. I think we're dying. So...

dying early panic

↓

I see the attendant, I go, "Hey, what the fuck's happening?"

attendant fucks

↓

She goes, "There's a medical emergency in the back.

emergency medical

↓

Are you a doctor?" And I go, "Look at me."

doctor

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"You think I'm a doctor?"

doctor

↓

And she goes, "Are any of you?" And we go, "No."

↓

I said, "I think we just established that none of us are doctors.

doctors established

↓

How about you kill those lights so we can go back to sleep?"

kill lights sleep

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And she goes, "Well, he needs help."

needs

↓

And I go, "Well, we're not doctors.

doctors

↓

We could stand around him for a while, If you think that'll help."

stand thatll

↓

"Yeah, he's fucked up."

fucked

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Huh?

↓

Comedian."

comedian

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Mostly stories.

mostly stories

↓

Hang in there." I don't fucking know. So...

fucking hang

↓

half an hour later, lights are still on, and I go, "What are we doing?"

half hour lights

↓

And she goes, "I think we're gonna divert."

divert

↓

And I go, "Divert?

divert

↓

Does that mean we're gonna dump fuel?"

dump fuel

↓

Have you ever asked somebody something so profoundly stupid to them

asked somebody stupid

↓

that they have to physically regroup before they answer your question?

answer physically question regroup

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Like, she went to answer, and then she went, "Huh."

answer

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Like her brain was like, control-alt-delete, rebooted...

brain control delete

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

...and she goes, "Divert doesn't mean dump fuel, you dumb shit."

divert dumb dump fuel

↓

And I was like, "I know, I was just playing. Gah."

playing

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

She said, "We're gonna land at the nearest airport.

airport land nearest

↓

We'll get him off and we'll get him help. Then we'll continue."

continue

↓

And I go, "You gotta be shitting me."

shitting

↓

And she goes, "No."

↓

And I said, "Well, what if he's dead?"

dead

↓

And she goes, "What?"

↓

- And I go, "If he's dead..." - [laughter]

dead laughter

↓

"...we're not just gonna land to drop off some luggage, right?

drop land luggage

↓

We're gonna keep going."

↓

And she goes, "I guess so."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And I said, "Well, in that case, I am a doctor."

case doctor

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"And I'm gonna need a pillow. Stat."

pillow stat

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

And then, I fucking killed a guy. On a plane.

fucking killed plane

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

It was the most fun I've ever had in my life.

fun life

↓

Um...

↓

Bikes! I get, like...

bikes

↓

verbal tics, you know? I don't have Tourette's.

verbal

↓

I wish I did. It looks fun. But...

fun wish

↓

I'll just yell shit. It's like a hook on a catchy song,

catchy hook song yell

↓

except it's just stuff that I watch, and then...

except stuff watch

↓

"Bikes!" I just yell it, you know.

bikes yell

↓

Over and over. Only like two or three million times. But...

million million-times three times

↓

I'm obsessed with the show Scared Straight. Um...

obsessed scared straight

↓

If you've never seen it, it's tremendous.

seen tremendous

↓

Here's what they do.

↓

In the show, they take kids, middle school and high school kids

kids middle middle-school school school-kids

↓

that are getting in trouble a lot, and they send them to jail for a day.

jail send trouble

↓

And the idea is that jail will scare the fuck out of the kid,

fuck idea jail scare

↓

and then he'll get his life together.

life

↓

Hence, Scared Straight. It's tremendous.

hence scared straight tremendous

↓

I'm obsessed with one episode.

episode obsessed

↓

- It aired once. - [crowd chuckles]

aired chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

In 1999.

↓

Here's what's great.

↓

It aired uncensored, which is bananas.

aired bananas

↓

And... in this episode they did not send the kids to jail,

episode jail kids send

↓

like they normally do.

normally

↓

Instead, they sent them to a maximum security penitentiary.

maximum security sent

↓

[crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

Prison.

prison

↓

And those prisoners verbally assaulted these kids

assaulted kids prisoners

↓

into crying a lot.

crying

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And it's the funniest shit I have ever seen in my life.

funniest life seen

↓

First of all, don't feel, like, too bad for...

↓

these kids are super badass.

badass kids super

↓

They're not like, spitting spitballs in class and...

class spitting

↓

They're fucking stabbing other kids.

fucking kids stabbing

↓

They're badass kids. Okay?

badass kids

↓

And they show up to this thing with attitude.

attitude

↓

They walk in, they're like, "What's up? I run sixth grade.

grade sixth sixth-grade walk

↓

- I ain't scared of you, man. Like..." - [laughter]

aint laughter scared

↓

"You can't scare me."

scare

↓

And they're greeted by a guy named Crazy Chris.

chris crazy named

↓

Chris has scars on his face,

chris face scars

↓

and the screen freezes.

freezes screen

↓

And it says, "Chris killed six people, and he's doing a double life sentence."

chris double killed life sentence

↓

Like, this dude is so bad

↓

that when he dies and he's reincarnated,

dies

↓

that guy is doing life in prison also.

life prison

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

So this is a bad motherfucker right here.

motherfucker

↓

The kids are like squatting around,

kids

↓

and Chris is like, "Hey. My name's Crazy Chris.

chris crazy names

↓

And from now on, you will see me in your nightmares."

nightmares

↓

And the kids are like, "What the fuck?" Like...

fuck kids

↓

"I'm 12. Don't talk to me like that. Man, that's crazy."

crazy

↓

And he goes, "If I ever see you again, I'll take a bite out of each of you."

bite

↓

And they're like, "All right. We're reformed now. Thank you very much."

↓

Jesus. But they can't leave.

jesus

↓

The next guy comes up to them and he goes, "Hold mah pocket!

comes pocket

↓

- Hold mah pocket!" - [crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles pocket

↓

And he makes kids walk around holding the inside of his pocket.

holding kids makes pocket walk

↓

You understand? So he walks, and then they're like...

walks

↓

[nervous chuckle]

chuckle nervous

↓

I don't know what you know about prison,

prison

↓

but if you're holding onto another dude's pocket,

another dudes holding pocket

↓

- it's gonna be a rough day. All right? - [laughter]

laughter rough

↓

Not only is this guy making kids hold his...

kids

↓

he's talking ridiculous shit

ridiculous

↓

to middle schoolers.

middle

↓

He's like, "I'mma make you suck my dick for breakfast!"

breakfast dick imma suck

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Every mornin'." And the kids are like... [groaning]

groaning kids mornin

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"I hate breakfast! Ugh!"

breakfast hate

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Funny shit like that.

funny

↓

So...

↓

[chortles]

chortles

↓

He's like, "I'mma mush your motherfucking face!"

face imma motherfucking mush

↓

And the kid's like... [whimpering]

kids whimpering

↓

It's so fucking funny. Ah...

fucking funny

↓

[crowd chuckling]

chuckling crowd

↓

There's one exchange where this dude, he pulls a kid out of line.

exchange line pulls

↓

The kid's, like, 13. He weighs, I don't know, a hundred pounds?

hundred kids pounds weighs

↓

And he has a bowl cut.

bowl

↓

Okay? He has a bowl cut.

bowl

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

In prison.

prison

↓

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

↓

It's parted in the middle.

middle

↓

The prisoner goes, "Why you here?"

prisoner

↓

And the kid's like... "Ugh. Stealing."

kids stealing

↓

And he goes, "The fuck you took?"

fuck

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And the kids goes, "B... Bikes."

bikes kids

↓

And he goes, "Bikes!"

bikes

↓

And that's why I yell "bikes" all the time.

bikes yell

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

You should see me when we drive by a bike store.

bike drive store

↓

- Holy shit. - [laughter]

holy laughter

↓

I'll be driving. I'll be like, "Ahh..."

driving

↓

- And my wife, she's pretty over it. Um... - [laughter]

laughter wife

↓

She'll go, like, "You get one." I'm like,

shell

↓

"All right, I'm gonna make this shit count."

count

↓

So, I'll pull over, roll down the window,

pull roll window

↓

and I wait till I see somebody checking out one of the sidewalk displays,

checking displays sidewalk somebody till

↓

like with all the bikes out there,

bikes

↓

and when they find one they like and they're like, "I like this one,"

↓

I'll go, "Bikes!" And they're like, "What the fuck?!"

bikes fuck

↓

And I go, "Stop selling drugs!" And I drive off.

drive drugs selling selling-drugs

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

That's right.

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

Super fun. You should do it.

fun super

↓

Ah, man.

↓

So, my wife is the coolest, actually. She's the best.

best coolest wife

↓

And, uh, she... we've been together ten years.

years

↓

And women will actually ask me, sometimes,

sometimes women

↓

they'll be like, "Ten years? That's a pretty good run.

years

↓

What's the secret? Is there a secret?"

secret

↓

And I want to tell you that there is.

↓

And ladies, the key to your man's heart

heart ladies mans

↓

is through his... taint.

taint

↓

Now, if you don't know,

↓

the taint is that little strip of land

land strip taint

↓

between a man's balls and his butthole.

balls butthole mans

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

Also known as the Devil's Driveway.

devils driveway known

↓

- Now... - [laughter]

laughter

↓

...some of you are like, "I don't want to go there.

↓

That sounds scary."

scary sounds

↓

Well, yeah.

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Your man's perineum,

mans

↓

that's like the Incan ruins of his body.

body ruins

↓

And just like Machu Picchu, its a little out of the way.

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

But once you get there, the rewards are oh, so glorious.

glorious

↓

Ladies, I just gave you top secret clearance. Okay?

clearance ladies secret

↓

Um, welcome to Area 51.

area welcome

↓

Yeah. I never want to hear another woman complain,

another another-woman complain woman

↓

"I can't get a guy to call me back."

↓

Well, take a vibrator, press it against his chode,

chode press

↓

and you will have to shut down a cell tower

cell tower

↓

because that man is gonna harass you. All right?

harass

↓

[laughter, applause]

applause laughter

↓

[cheering]

cheering

↓

Yeah.

↓

After you make him shiver.

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Don't be an asshole and put it on high speed the first time.

asshole speed

↓

You'll send him to the emergency room. But... Ease into it.

ease emergency emergency-room room send

↓

One, two, three. He'll be like, all right!

three

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

[sighs] I'm not piling on you for not doing enough, if you're a woman.

sighs woman

↓

Guys are the worst. Absolutely.

absolutely worst

↓

Every guy friend of mine that complains about a sex thing,

friend

↓

it's always the same stupid shit.

stupid

↓

They'll be like, "You know, like, I liked her, but she's not slutty.

liked slutty

↓

She didn't do anything slutty."

slutty

↓

I'm like, "Huh. You tell her what you like?" "Unh-unh."

↓

I'm like, "Oh. Well, you weird silent fuck."

fuck silent weird

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"You gotta tell her. If she likes you, she'll do it.

likes shell

↓

Gotta tell her, 'Put on a clown suit and peg me.' Or whatever you like."

clown suit

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I'll tell you my favorite. I don't give a shit.

favorite

↓

I love the medical genre.

genre love medical

↓

That is my favorite.

favorite

↓

I love those pornos where the guy goes in the doctor's office.

doctors doctors-office love office pornos

↓

He's like, "Oh, my back hurts."

hurts

↓

The nurse is like, "That's 'cause your big stupid balls are full. Get over here."

balls full nurse stupid

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I love that.

love

↓

I love it, I told my wife, and now we have scrubs.

love scrubs wife

↓

[laughter, cheers]

cheers laughter

↓

Everybody likes it. Don't act like... whenever you...

everybody everybody-likes likes

↓

If you're a guy and you see a nurse, you always are like...

nurse

↓

"Maybe she'll suck it." Like that. Like, you always...

shell suck

↓

Even if you see a nurse walking around, you're like, "Hey.

nurse walking

↓

What? No, I didn't say anything. I was just..."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Do you? Okay, no, you don't? Okay.

↓

No, I feel fine. Thank you."

↓

It's the best. I love...

best love

↓

I love, though, on the medical pornos, those scenes,

love medical pornos scenes

↓

they always end with letting you know how he's doing medically.

letting medically

↓

Like the guy goes, "Uhhh.

uhhh

↓

My back feels better." You're like, "Oh, wow."

feels

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"We were all worried about your third lumbar. So, that's good."

lumbar third worried

↓

Crazy, and I swear, this is true,

crazy swear

↓

as much as I love that shit,

love

↓

I have never in my life seen a smaller version of my own dick

dick life seen smaller version

↓

than when I'm in the doctor's office.

doctors doctors-office office

↓

Like, it gets so small,

↓

and it leans to the left.

leans left

↓

So my dick is like, "What did you say?"

dick

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Hmm?

↓

Should I be here, Dad?"

↓

You ever yell at it? You're like, "What the fuck?!

fuck yell

↓

Monday we were hitting thigh, and today you're like,

hitting monday thigh today

↓

- 'I want to stay in bed and read. So...'" - [laughter]

laughter read

↓

"'You go out. I'm gonna draw a bath. Bye.'"

bath draw

↓

And you'll be like, "You stupid little dick!"

dick stupid

↓

They have porno suggestions. Isn't that weird too?

porno suggestions weird

↓

Like you watch a scene, It's like, "You might also like..."

might scene watch

↓

And you're like, "What?"

↓

And then its like some weird sh... It's like,

weird

↓

"Sis is mad at her brother for not leaving,

brother leaving

↓

so she blows him." And you're like, "Ugh! Gross.

blows gross

↓

All right, I'm gonna see what it looks like."

↓

They're not really related.

related

↓

That scene is so stupid cause they always call each other Bro and Sis,

scene stupid

↓

like any fucking people on the planet do that.

fucking planet

↓

The girl's like, "Bro! My friends are coming over. Get outta here."

coming friends girls outta

↓

He's like, "No way, Sis. Not leaving."

leaving

↓

"Come on! What'll it take?"

whatll

↓

"Boop. Right there. That's what it'll take."

boop itll

↓

"Okay." And you're like, "All right.

↓

It's not a good premise, but I'll watch it."

premise watch

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

[sighs] Let me ask you this.

sighs

↓

If you're white,

white

↓

aren't you a little tired of being blamed for every racial injustice?

blamed injustice racial tired

↓

- Like, doesn't part of you... - [man] Yeah!

part

↓

[blows raspberry]

blows blows-raspberry raspberry

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Yeah, yeah. No, that's good. So...

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

People are like, "What the fuck?"

fuck

↓

No! That's what I'm saying! Like...

↓

Don't you kinda want to tell, like, the other people,

kinda

↓

"Why doesn't your group get their shit together, and then

group

↓

you can ascend to the top and then you can oppress other people."

oppress

↓

[mixed laughter]

laughter mixed

↓

Not as many claps on that one. Well, uh...

claps

↓

[laughter, applause]

applause laughter

↓

Oops.

oops

↓

[crowd chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-chuckles

↓

Here's all I'm saying. Okay?

↓

Every race is racist. Okay?

race racist

↓

We're the best at it, but every race is racist.

best race racist

↓

Who's super racist?

racist super

↓

Asians. Right? Yeah, you guys are...

asians

↓

You're nodding. Like, "You know goddamn right I am. Of course."

course goddamn

↓

You don't know about it? There's a hierarchy to the whole thing.

whole

↓

Here's how it works. Japanese, they're number one,

japanese number works

↓

which is weird 'cause their genitals are blurry.

genitals weird

↓

- But they're number one. Right? - [laughter]

laughter number

↓

Then...

↓

[crowd cheering]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering

↓

Chinese and Koreans are right there.

chinese koreans

↓

And everybody else who's, like, tan, like...

everybody

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Vietnamese and Filipino, they're like...

filipino vietnamese

↓

[spits] "Fuck you!"

fuck spits

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

True or not?

↓

Yeah.

↓

Don't you feel better about everything right now? Like...

↓

What's your ethnic background?

background ethnic

↓

You're Chinese? That's number two. That's almost at the top.

chinese number

↓

That's great.

↓

That's gotta feel good, right?

↓

Who did you, like...

↓

Who did your parents talk the most shit about, growing up?

growing parents

↓

Wait. Were you raised in an Asian household,

asian household raised

↓

or are you one of those, "That's cute, lets get one of those"?

cute

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

'Cause that's a legit question.

legit question

↓

Asian? So who'd your parents talk the most shit about growing up, racially?

asian growing parents whod

↓

- Be honest. Huh? - [man] Japanese.

honest japanese

↓

- Japanese! Fuckin'... All right, so... - [laughter]

fuckin japanese laughter

↓

Do you hate Japanese people?

hate japanese

↓

No? They fucking hate you. A lot.

fucking fucking-hate hate

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

You know they do. Uh...

↓

What do your parents say about them? What's the shit that they talk?

parents

↓

[man] They wanted me to marry one.

marry wanted

↓

They wanted you to marry one?

marry wanted

↓

[man continues indistinctly]

continues continues-indistinctly indistinctly

↓

They wanted her to do whatever you want.

wanted

↓

- Are your parents Saudi or...? - [laughter]

laughter parents saudi

↓

Can I get this fucking straight for a second?

fucking second straight

↓

Your parents were like, "We want our beautiful Chinese boy

chinese parents

↓

to marry a Japanese girl

girl japanese marry

↓

so that 'she'll do whatever you want'"?

shell

↓

- Meaning they're submissive? - [man] Yes.

meaning

↓

Yeah. All right. So who's this fucking lady sitting next to you?

fucking lady sitting

↓

What's she all about?

↓

Hey! Don't fucking answer. It's his world.

answer fucking world

↓

- What is... What is, uh... - [roaring laughter]

laughter roaring

↓

Ask him if you can answer.

answer

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

She's Chinese? Damn!

chinese

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Do you know... [laughs]

laughs

↓

Do you know how I found out about Asian racism?

asian found racism

↓

This is how I found out about it. I had no idea.

found idea

↓

I'm shooting a commercial in L.A.,

commercial shooting

↓

and they fly in a Japanese director, okay?

director japanese

↓

- Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So... - [laughter]

grunts laughter uhhh

↓

Yeah. So I was like, "Do you have indigestion?"

↓

He was, "Uhh. No."

↓

We're shooting the commercial, and between takes,

commercial shooting takes

↓

there's a Filipino production assistant.

assistant filipino production

↓

So, he come up and talks to us and he walks away.

talks walks

↓

And when he walks away, I see the Japanese director

director japanese walks

↓

give him a very dismissive look, like...

↓

And I go, "Hey! I saw that, with my eyes. What was that all about?"

eyes

↓

I go, "You don't like him?" And he goes...

↓

And I go, "Why not?" And he goes...

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Did you catch it? It was really fast.

catch fast

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

He basically said, "I don't like him 'cause I don't like his skin color."

color skin

↓

And he did it with this little gesture.

gesture

↓

And I was like, "Holy shit!

holy

↓

That's fucking brilliant. How did I not think of that?"

brilliant fucking

↓

You don't have to worry about people hearing you and getting hit.

hearing worry

↓

Just make a little thing and move it along. Like...

along

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Don't act like you're not gonna use that five fucking times this week.

five fucking times week

↓

[applause]

applause

↓

When you're in your favorite restaurant and "they" come in, you're like...

favorite restaurant

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Let's take it to go. Thanks a lot."

thanks

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs.

having jobs

↓

Um... I'm assuming you do.

assuming

↓

I don't fucking know. You're here. Maybe you robbed somebody. But...

fucking robbed somebody

↓

I was just thinking about how long it's been since I've had a job,

thinking

↓

and how I absolutely could not get one right now.

absolutely

↓

If I went into a place and gave them my résumé, they'd be like,

place theyd

↓

"What's with this 13-year gap on here, man?"

↓

And I'd be like, "What's with all the questions, dude? Chill out."

chill questions

↓

I mean, if I had to get a job, I think I would just go for a job

↓

where no one knows what the fuck I'm talking about,

fuck knows

↓

so I could just make shit up. Because...

↓

There's a few of those.

↓

Like, the spokesman for an arson investigation. Um...

arson investigation spokesman

↓

Arson means fire, by the way. I'm seeing a lot of blank faces. And...

arson blank faces fire seeing

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

You can see them online.

online

↓

Like, a guy comes out to a podium,

comes

↓

and there's a mic and there's news people around.

news

↓

There's a burned down building behind, and he's just like...

behind building burned

↓

"Hey. That shit burned down."

burned

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Could you tell us a little more?"

↓

He's like, "What?" Totally aggravated. "What do you wanna know?"

↓

"How did it start?" "It was a match."

match start

↓

And they go, "How do you know?" "We found it."

found

↓

"It." Like it's one. There's other matches and he's like, "Mm-mmm."

matches

↓

"This one."

↓

They go, "How do you know that's the match?"

match

↓

"Just complicated fire shit. You wouldn't understand."

complicated fire

↓

Thing is, man,

↓

I miss zero part of having a day job.

having miss part zero

↓

That's the truth. I miss zero part.

miss part truth zero

↓

The only part I still miss

miss part

↓

is spreading rumors and gossip about people that work there.

gossip rumors spreading

↓

That's the fucking best.

best fucking

↓

It is! I remember.

remember

↓

Going to work sucks.

sucks

↓

That's universal. I mean, shit!

↓

Most of you will have it on Monday.

monday

↓

Fuckin'... the alarm goes off, and you go, "Motherfucker!"

alarm fuckin motherfucker

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Today's gonna suck!"

suck todays

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"But I'm gonna talk shit about Amanda when I get there." And then that...

amanda

↓

raises your spirit right?

raises spirit

↓

You think about that in the shower. "I'm gonna ruin Amanda's day today."

ruin shower today

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"This is for you, Amanda. Aahh."

amanda

↓

The fucked-up thing is people making you feel badly for enjoying that.

badly enjoying fucked

↓

You shouldn't feel badly for enjoying gossip.

badly enjoying gossip

↓

It's 100 percent normal and natural to

natural normal percent

↓

because it's definitely an extension of childhood.

childhood extension

↓

Because all of us, when we were kids, and all kids now,

kids

↓

for a certain period of time, the worst storytellers ever, okay?

certain period worst

↓

You don't know shit about editing information,

information

↓

enhancing things, keeping people's interest.

interest keeping peoples

↓

You don't have to have a kid to know about this.

↓

Talk to any kid. A friends kid. A niece, a nephew.

friends nephew niece

↓

It's when you go to a kid, you go like, "Hey, were you outside?"

↓

And they go, "Yeah!" And you're like,

↓

"Why don't you dial that back? That was crazy. Okay?"

crazy dial

↓

And then you ask one question, like, "How was that?" And they go,

question

↓

"I have... When... When Jeanette came by,

↓

she... she didn't... she brought the yellow cup that...

brought yellow

↓

she didn't want to kick the ball back, but I said, can...

ball kick

↓

'Cause Brian's cup is red,

brians

↓

that if you... if you... if you don't have it now,

↓

then you don't have to bring the blue...

blue bring

↓

'Cause the blue one that Jane had was with her.

blue jane

↓

I said, 'If you don't have it,

↓

you can... you can use mine now, but then...

↓

then next it's my turn.'"

↓

You go, "That was a great fucking story. Thank you."

fucking story

↓

[laughter, applause]

applause laughter

↓

Je-sus!

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And then kids accidentally tell their first good story.

accidentally kids story

↓

They don't mean to, it's an accident.

accident

↓

That's why it leaves an impact.

impact leaves

↓

'Cause you go, "Were you at the park?"

park

↓

And they go, "Yeah."

↓

And you go, "How was that?"

↓

And they go, "I saw Uncle Jeff,

jeff uncle

↓

and he had a lady sitting on his lap. But it wasn't Aunt Maria."

aunt lady maria sitting

↓

And you're like, "What?"

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And the kid's like, "Shit, I've never seen that fucking face before!"

face fucking fucking-face kids seen

↓

And you're like, "That's a good story. Go find more stories like that."

stories story

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

That's burned into your psyche.

burned

↓

That's why you go to work, you see your coworker,

coworker

↓

you're like, "Hey, I got some juice."

juice

↓

And they're like, "Is it gonna negatively impact somebody's life?"

impact life somebodys somebodys-life

↓

[chortles] "Yeah." And they're like,

chortles

↓

"Fucking hook that shit up!"

fucking hook

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

I've spread so many fucking rumors.

fucking rumors spread

↓

My favorite part about rumors, nobody verifies shit.

favorite favorite-part nobody part rumors

↓

Somebody says something once and you're like,

somebody

↓

"Cool, I'll roll with that forever. Thanks, man."

cool forever roll thanks

↓

"Are you gonna fact check that?" "Why? You said it out loud.

check fact loud

↓

I don't have to check anything out. It's now a fact. So, whatever."

check fact

↓

It's a seed, right? You ever a part of one that just grows?

grows part seed

↓

I remember years ago, I'm watching a movie with my dad.

movie remember watching years

↓

In the middle of the movie,

middle movie

↓

the actor, Tommy Lee Jones, appears onscreen.

actor appears jones tommy

↓

Great actor. Oscar winner.

actor oscar winner

↓

Unprompted, my dad turns to me and he goes, "Did you know he was gay?"

turns

↓

And I was like, "No."

↓

"Yeah."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Now, it doesn't matter, and I don't care.

care matter

↓

But I decided I would tell

decided

↓

everyone I ever met for the rest of my life

life rest

↓

that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.

jones tommy

↓

I told a lot of people.

↓

Like, from The Fugitive through No Country for Old Men.

country fugitive

↓

- I told everybody. - [laughter]

everybody laughter

↓

Until one day I told somebody and he goes, "No, he isn't."

somebody

↓

And I was like, "Yeah, he is."

↓

And he goes, "How do you know that?"

↓

And I said, "My dad told me."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"What? Your dad fuck him or something?"

fuck

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I was like, "I don't think so."

↓

Then he goes, "I've known him 40 years.

known years

↓

I know his wife and kids. I knew him when he was single. He is not gay."

kids single wife

↓

And I go, "What is happening right now?"

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And I called my dad immediately.

called immediately

↓

And I was like, "Dad!

↓

I just got confirmation that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay."

confirmation jones tommy

↓

And my dad goes, "Oh, I thought he was."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Is that the end of your investigation? Are you fucking serious?

fucking fucking-serious investigation serious

↓

Why did you tell me that?" He goes, "I don't know."

↓

I said, "Did somebody tell you?" He goes, "I can't remember."

remember somebody

↓

I said, "Have you been telling everybody for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?"

everybody jones telling telling-everybody tommy years

↓

And he goes, "Yep."

↓

I go, "Don't you think we should stop?" He goes, "Now we should."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Just made that shit up.

↓

This is not made-up. I'll tell you this, man.

↓

[sighs] Not too long ago,

sighs

↓

I met former heavyweight champion of the world

champion former world

↓

Iron Mike Tyson. And...

iron mike mike-tyson tyson

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

It completely changed my perspective on a famous person,

changed completely famous person perspective

↓

'cause I thought I knew famous people.

famous

↓

Friends of mine on TV and movies,

friends movies

↓

they are dog shit next to Mike Tyson.

mike mike-tyson tyson

↓

Think about how... he is famous the way an ex-president is famous,

famous president

↓

in that he can't go anywhere in the world without everyone knowing who he is.

knowing world

↓

You can take him to the Philippines, you can take him to Siberia,

↓

you can take him to Namibia and people would be like,

↓

[smacking] "Mike Tyson." Everybody knows Mike Tyson.

everybody everybody-knows knows mike mike-tyson smacking tyson

↓

That's a perfect impression, by the way. So...

impression perfect

↓

we're on an afternoon flight from L.A. to Pittsburgh.

afternoon flight pittsburgh

↓

He is sitting across the aisle one row back.

aisle sitting

↓

He's right there.

↓

It takes an extra hour to board the flight. Why?

board extra flight hour takes

↓

Because every passenger that boards sees him, and they're like,

boards passenger sees

↓

"Get the fuck out of here."

fuck

↓

And they shit their pants.

pants

↓

And he's super nice. He shakes everyone's hand.

everyones hand shakes super

↓

Flight attendants are telling people, "Go to your seat."

attendants flight seat telling

↓

- And they're like, "Nope." - [laughter]

laughter nope

↓

"Talking to him."

↓

"We're not asking you, we're telling you."

asking telling

↓

"I don't give a shit. I'm not going anywhere."

↓

It takes forever. We leave late. I don't say anything.

forever late takes

↓

About half an hour's left in the flight,

flight half hours left

↓

and then I tell myself, "You have to say something.

↓

You're never going to run into him again."

↓

So I get up, walk over to his seat and I go, "I'm sorry to bother you.

bother seat walk

↓

I grew up watching all of your fights, and I'm a big fan."

fights grew watching

↓

And he goes, "Thank you."

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I said, "I'm just curious, why are you going to Pittsburgh?"

curious pittsburgh

↓

He goes, "I'm promoting a fight. What about you?"

fight

↓

I said, "I'm a comedian. I'm going to do shows."

comedian shows

↓

And he goes... [giggles]

giggles

↓

"You're a comedian?"

comedian

↓

I go, "Yeah."

↓

He said, "Where's your show?"

↓

I said "It's a comedy club called the Pittsburgh Improv."

called club comedy improv pittsburgh

↓

And he goes, "Where's that?"

↓

- And I go, "I have no fucking idea." - [laughter]

fucking idea laughter

↓

And he goes, "Is your show tonight?" And I go, "No.

tonight

↓

It's eleven o'clock at night and we're on a plane."

eleven night oclock plane

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"We're in the sky right now, Mike."

mike

↓

He goes, "Well, when's your show?"

whens

↓

And I go, "Tomorrow."

tomorrow

↓

And he goes, "Where?"

↓

And I go, "Still at the Pittsburgh Improv."

improv pittsburgh

↓

He goes, "How do I find it?"

↓

I go, "I don't fucking know. Google it."

fucking google

↓

Then it hits me, like, two seconds later

hits seconds

↓

how batshit crazy it is of me

batshit crazy

↓

to tell him to like, Google it.

google

↓

- You know? Like... - [laughter]

laughter

↓

"You figure it out, fuckface!"

figure fuckface

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

Am I out of my mind? So...

mind

↓

I grab a DVD out of my bag, I give it to him.

grab

↓

I go, "It has my name on it, just type it in. It'll show you where I'm at."

itll name type

↓

He goes, "Thank you." I go, "That's cool. I met Tyson."

cool tyson

↓

Ten seconds later, I'm sitting in my seat and I hear,

seat seconds sitting

↓

"Tom?"

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Yes, Mike Tyson?"

mike mike-tyson tyson

↓

He goes, "Were you on television recently?"

recently television

↓

And I go, "Mm-mmm."

↓

He goes, "Are you sure?"

↓

And I go, "Yeah, I think so."

↓

And he goes, "Nothing?"

↓

And I go, "I mean, I'm on Netflix."

netflix

↓

And he goes, "I fucking love Netflix."

fucking fucking-love love netflix

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

"Okay."

↓

He goes, "What's your favorite show on Netflix, Tom?"

favorite netflix

↓

I go, "Are we really doing this right now?

↓

Like, shouting across the aisle?"

aisle shouting

↓

"I like House of Cards, man!" Like...

cards house

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

It feels crazy, okay?

crazy feels

↓

So, I'm super nervous. I don't know what to say...

nervous super

↓

I'm like, "I don't know. I watched Breaking Bad on Netflix."

breaking netflix watched

↓

And he goes, "My wife likes Breaking Bad."

breaking likes wife

↓

But he said it like, "You like shit my wife likes."

likes wife

↓

And I was like, "Ugh."

↓

Then his eyes light up like saucers, and he's like,

eyes light

↓

"Oh! You like Sons of Anarchy?"

anarchy sons

↓

And I know it's a great show. There's a lot of great shows.

shows

↓

I can't see every show. I've never seen it.

seen

↓

Do you ever lie? Like a child to an adult?

adult child

↓

'Cause you think they'll like you more if you like the same thing?

↓

Well, I saw that face and I go, "It's my favorite show of all time."

face favorite

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And he's like, "It's the shit!"

↓

And I was like, "Oh, I know. That one episode? That's my favorite."

episode favorite

↓

And then he gives me a fist bump across the aisle, right?

aisle bump fist gives

↓

Is this not registering to you?

↓

I get a Mike Tyson fist bump.

bump fist mike mike-tyson tyson

↓

[crowd cheers]

cheers crowd crowd-cheers

↓

Yeah.

↓

I can feel his powers transferring from his hand into mine.

hand powers transferring

↓

I'm like, "Oh, shit." That's crazy, right?

crazy

↓

I'm so happy.

happy

↓

And then a few seconds later,

seconds

↓

I feel a bear paw on my shoulder.

bear shoulder

↓

And I turn, and Tyson is standing above me.

standing tyson

↓

- I'm like, "Jesus Christ!" - [laughter]

christ jesus jesus-christ laughter

↓

Immediately he leans down and he whispers in my ear so nobody else can hear,

immediately leans nobody whispers

↓

and he goes, "I've been watching a lot of Netflix."

netflix watching

↓

- That's it. That's all he said. - [laughter]

laughter

↓

Dude, I never thought that sentence could be terrifying.

sentence terrifying

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And now he's just looking at me like, "Now you say something, bitch."

bitch looking

↓

Ya know?

↓

I was like, "I never turn it off. It's the best." I don't know what to say.

best

↓

He goes, "Now I recognize you."

recognize

↓

And I go, "What?"

↓

And he holds up the DVD.

holds

↓

And I go, "I just gave that to you."

↓

And he goes, "It's the same picture that's on Netflix."

netflix picture

↓

And I go, "Oh, yeah. That's the same picture."

picture

↓

He goes, "I know who you are."

↓

I go, "That's crazy."

crazy

↓

And he goes, "Give me your phone number."

number phone phone-number

↓

And I go, "What?!"

↓

I give him my number, we land.

land number

↓

I fucking run off the plane. Okay?

fucking plane

↓

It's like... too much weird shit for one day.

weird

↓

The next day,

↓

I'm sitting in my hotel room, and I get a text message from Mike Tyson.

hotel hotel-room message mike mike-tyson room sitting text tyson

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

You know what it says?

↓

- "Where's your show?" - [laughter]

laughter

↓

And I go, "The Pittsburgh Improv."

improv pittsburgh

↓

"Where's that?"

↓

I fucking Google it.

fucking google

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I send it to him, and the phone rings.

phone phone-rings rings send

↓

"Hey, Tom."

↓

And I go, "'Sup, Champ?"

champ

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

He goes, "We're coming to your show tonight, brother."

brother coming tonight

↓

And I go, "That's fucking crazy!"

crazy fucking fucking-crazy

↓

He goes, "Yeah, we wanna watch you do your work."

watch

↓

And I go, "Well, I'm honored."

honored

↓

And he goes, "It's all love."

love

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

I know what he's saying. I know the expression.

expression

↓

And I just want to reciprocate, but I... I don't know what to do.

↓

And I'm super nervous, and I just go, "I love you."

love nervous super

↓

[laughter]

laughter

↓

And he goes, "Mmm, good luck at your show." And he hangs up the phone.

hangs luck phone

↓

Seattle, you're the best. Thank you so much.

best seattle

↓

- Thank you very much. - [cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

Appreciate it. Thank you.

appreciate

↓

[up-tempo music playing]

music music-playing playing tempo

↓

Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com

corrections sync