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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E04 — Mostly Stories (2016)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 4 — Mostly Stories (2016)

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Sync and corrections by explosiveskull www.addic7ed.com
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[soft piano music plays]
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[Tom] I love being a stand-up comedian.
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It's the best job in the world.
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And I love being an L.A. comic.
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Bam!
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Alfred the assassin.
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As a comic, what you're supposed to do is live your life and report it.
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[woman] Anytime I do something nice for you,
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- you shit on me! - When is that?!
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I love the whole process.
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[woman] You have a little dick.
dickwoman
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Writing. Performing.
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Figuring out how to make a joke work.
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It's the best.
best
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But most of all, I love meeting the people of this city.
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- They always inspire me. - [shouting] Hey!
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Tom Segura!
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Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!
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You have to do it!
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I love them. They have nothing but admiration for me.
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[speaks foreign language]
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Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.
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[speaks foreign language]
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I just know there's no stopping us.
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Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here?
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What's up, fat boy?
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- 'Sup? - Making a food show, bitch?
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- No. - You should.
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Bam! 'Cause you fat as fuck!
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This fat motherfucker right here, man.
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- You got pancake titties. - You do!
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Fuck this city. I'm re-shooting this thing.
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Eat a dick, Paul Blart.
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This fat motherfucker, man.
motherfucker
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[man] Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!
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- [cheers and applause] - [up-tempo music playing]
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[music continues]
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[Tom] What up?
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Thank you! Thank you, guys.
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Thank you very much.
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It's great to be in Seattle.
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- [crowd roars] - Yes.
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One of my favorite places, and I am fucking falling apart.
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All right, um...
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I hate who I'm becoming, socially.
becominghatesocially
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Like, all my social interactions,
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I'm disintegrating into somebody I want to punch in the mouth.
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