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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E02 — Ball Hog (2020)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 2 — Ball Hog (2020)

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen...

announcer announcer-ladies gentlemen ladies

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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That was cheap, but that was fun. Now...

cheap fun

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If you're still not on board with this, how about an old reliable one?

board reliable

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You know, how about Tourette's syndrome. Yeah.

syndrome

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Maybe you've heard of that. If you haven't, let me tell you.

heard

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When I was in fifth grade, my parents sent me to a new school on a Wednesday.

fifth fifth-grade grade parents parents-sent school sent wednesday

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I'll never forget. It was a Catholic school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass.

catholic forget mass school wednesdays

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So picture, you're a new student at a new school, you don't know anybody,

anybody picture school student

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and the first thing you're doing, is you're going to church.

church

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So, I walk in and the priest starts the service.

priest service starts walk

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He goes, "In the name of the Father, and the Son..."

father name

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And the kid in the row in front of me goes,

front

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"Fuck your cunt."

cunt fuck

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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And I'm like, "Oh.

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Uh-uh."

↓

Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye. He goes, "Holy Spirit."

holy holy-spirit nobody spirit

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-Starts reading from the Bible. -[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs bible laughs reading starts

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-This kid goes, "Lick my balls! -[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs balls laughs lick

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Fuck you!"

fuck

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I am laughing so goddamn hard.

goddamn hard laughing

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But I know I'm not supposed to laugh. It sounds like I'm having a stroke.

having laugh sounds stroke supposed

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I'm ten. I'm like...

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[mumbling]

mumbling

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I have tears running down my face.

face running tears

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And finally I am able to get out, "How come nobody else…

able finally nobody

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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is laughing?"

laughing

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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And the kid next to me goes, "He's got Tourette's.

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It gets old."

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Three years I was at that school. That shit never got old.

school three three-years years

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That was…

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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the greatest gift God ever bestowed upon me.

bestowed gift greatest

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And I'll tell you this.

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The greatest day of my life, up until the day my son was born,

born greatest life

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was the day we had a substitute teacher that year,

substitute substitute-teacher teacher

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and they didn't warn her about him.

warn

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Your imagination is serving you correctly.

correctly imagination serving

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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It was glorious.

glorious

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I watched a ten-year-old boy break a grown woman's spirit.

break grown spirit watched womans

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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These poor substitutes don't know what's going on in your class.

class poor

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She walked in… Somehow, they didn't tell her.

walked

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And she's like, "Read chapter three."

chapter read three

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And his ticks would build. Meaning, they would start small.

build meaning start ticks

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So he would be sitting in class, like… [mumbles]

class mumbles sitting

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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[mumbling]

mumbling

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So she goes, "What's going on?" And we're like… [gasps]

gasps

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"She doesn't know."

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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And he would do this every day.

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He would take markers and paint his own shirt.

paint shirt

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Every day he did it, but she doesn't know about it.

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She sees it. "What are you doing?" "What do you think, bitch?"

bitch sees

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-[grunts] -[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs grunts laughs

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Then he starts painting his face with the marker.

face marker painting starts

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And she goes, "Stop that." And he goes, "Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you."

bitch fuck

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And she's like, "What's happening? What's happening?"

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And we go, "That's Kevin. Why are you crying so much right now?"

crying kevin

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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She killed herself. She's dead. So…

dead killed

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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She's out of teaching, but she's fine. So…

teaching

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I know.

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Some of you guys are like, "Jesus, he's a real jerk."

jerk jesus real

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I'm not that bad. I'm not.

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I'm a new dad. How about that? I, uh... Yeah.

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[audience cheering and clapping]

audience audience-cheering cheering clapping

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Yeah. It's the best.

best

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It's awesome. Guys always hit me up.

awesome

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I don't know why they trust me. "Should I do it?"

trust

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And I'm like, "Of course you should do it. It's the best. It's awesome.

awesome best course

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They're amazing. And also, being a dad is easy, man. Super easy.

amazing easy super

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It's way easier than being a mom."

easier

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Here's all you gotta do if you want to be a great dad, seriously.

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Don't abandon your kid.

abandon

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That's it. That's all you gotta do.

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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No, I do believe being a mother is inherently harder,

believe harder inherently mother

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especially at the beginning.

beginning especially

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And that's why I don't like when I hear men complain about it.

complain

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I have friends that are like, "My kid cries a lot."

cries friends

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And I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause you're his dad. That's why he cries a lot.

cries

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If I saw your face first thing in the morning,

face morning

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I'd bawl my fuckin' eyes out too, so..."

eyes fuckin

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What do you mean, "He cries"? He can't talk, you dumb-shit.

cries dumb

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"Ah" means something. Figure it the fuck out.

figure fuck

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That's why they make them so cute. Did you know that?

cute

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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It's so you don't strangle them.

strangle

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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My son is so fuckin' cute.

cute fuckin

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He's not Asian-baby cute, but he's right below that, you know?

asian baby cute

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Asian babies are cuter than bunnies and puppies combined.

asian babies bunnies combined puppies

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I would throw away 20 white babies to have an Asian baby.

asian babies baby throw white

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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But thankfully, the exchange rate is better than that, so...

exchange rate thankfully

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Five? I don't know.

five

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Can we please stop, collectively, as a society, stop pushing the myth

myth pushing society

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that having a baby is a selfless act?

baby having selfless

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I hear people say that shit. "It's the most selfless thing...

selfless

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-[mumbles] -[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs mumbles

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that you'll ever do." No, it's not. It's not selfless. It's selfish.

selfish selfless

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Necessary, but selfish. Why? You fall in love with a miniature version of you.

fall love miniature necessary selfish version

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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What's more selfish than that?

selfish

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You're like, "This is awesome. It looks just fuckin' like me.

awesome fuckin

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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I've never loved anything more in my entire life.

entire entire-life life loved

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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My favorite parts of you are the parts that look like me.

favorite parts

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Some parts look like you. Those parts are all right, but...

parts

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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the parts that look like me are amazing.

amazing parts

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I would do anything for you,

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mostly because I feel like I'm doing it for myself.

mostly

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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You're the best, new fresh me."

best fresh

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[kissing]

kissing

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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That's what you're doing.

↓

You're populating the world with more of you.

world

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You're saying, "I'm fantastic. [blows raspberry]

blows blows-raspberry fantastic raspberry

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-Here's another one of me." -[audience laughs]

another audience audience-laughs laughs

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Do we really need that many more of you? Yeah?

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I mean, do we? I mean, Martin Luther King Jr. had four.

four king luther luther-king martin martin-luther martin-luther-king

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I get it. He should've had ten.

shouldve

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But you?

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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All excited about, "Crab legs are on sale at Costco on Sunday, y'all."

costco crab excited legs sale sunday yall

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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I think we're all good on you. I think maybe you should stop.

↓

Now, I'll be real with you.

real

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If you're wondering about it, about parenthood,

wondering

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you're gonna have no more time.

↓

It's okay, 'cause you'll still have moments. Time and moments are different.

moments

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What's time? Time is like, let's say tomorrow

tomorrow

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you sleep in till noon, and then you eat food in bed.

food noon sleep till

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And then you go, "Fuck today." And you go back to sleep.

fuck sleep today

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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You got a lot of time on your hands.

hands

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Moments are like, you take a sip of something. "That's good."

moments

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That moment is now over. See?

moment

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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You live in moments.

live moments

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Masturbating is important, you know?

masturbating

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You appreciate it more when you're a parent.

appreciate parent

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I look forward to masturbating more than sex.

forward masturbating

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You know why? 'Cause I know I'm gonna treat me right. That's why.

treat

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Yeah. I love it, man.

love

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I clear the bed. The dogs can watch, but nobody else, you know.

clear dogs nobody watch

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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I'm at the point now where I taunt myself. Any of you do that?

point taunt

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I'll lay in bed and I'll be like, "Who's been a good boy? Oh.

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Who's been good? Who's been bad?"

↓

And then I grab my balls from behind, like, "Who the fuck was that?

balls behind fuck grab

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Did you...?

↓

You brought somebody?" "I didn't bring anybody." But...

anybody bring brought somebody

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I keep it exciting.

exciting

↓

I'm telling you the truth!

telling truth

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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"Cool shoes, Tom. Where'd you get 'em." All right, I'll tell you. So...

cool shoes whered

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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I was doing shows up in Portland, Oregon.

oregon shows

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And did a few shows. Big show like this.

shows

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A group came up to me afterwards, and they go,

afterwards group

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"We noticed you have Nikes on. Do you like them?"

noticed

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And I go, "Yes."

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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"Do you want to come to Nike headquarters tomorrow?"

headquarters nike tomorrow

↓

And I said, "Not really. No.

↓

I like your shoes. I don't want to see your office, man."

office shoes

↓

And he goes, "Well, you can shop at the employee store."

employee shop store

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So, I go, "What's that?"

↓

He said, "It's a warehouse that has every product imaginable.

imaginable product warehouse

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And you would get 50 percent off."

percent

↓

And I go, "How about I rent a U-Haul and I empty your fuckin' store tomorrow?"

empty fuckin haul rent store tomorrow

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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He goes, "Have at it."

↓

I get excited. Next morning he calls me.

calls excited morning

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He goes, "I wanted to tell you, you can come to Nike,

nike wanted

↓

but you're not allowed to shop in our store."

allowed shop store

↓

And I go, "Why?" He goes, "We put your name in our system, and it was flagged."

name system

↓

I'm like, "Flagged. By Nike.

nike

↓

For not doing sit-ups? What the fuck is that all about?"

fuck

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

And he goes, "No. You're a person of influence."

influence person

↓

And I go, "Excuse me?"

excuse

↓

He goes, "You're an entertainer. We call that a person of influence.

influence person

↓

You're not allowed to shop in the store." I go, "That's fucked up."

allowed fucked shop store

↓

"You can try to go through the entertainment division."

division entertainment

↓

"What's that?" And he goes, "That's free stuff." I go, "All right."

free stuff

↓

So...

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

I get that number and I call.

number

↓

And this guy answers, "Nike Entertainment."

answers entertainment nike

↓

And I go, "Hey. Tom Segura."

segura

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

And he goes, "Okay." And I go, "I'm a person of influence."

influence person

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

And he goes, "Okay." And I go, "I'm calling about my free shit."

calling free

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

And he goes, "All right." And I go, "So, how do you want to do it?"

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

And he goes, "We'll regroup, and we'll get back to you."

regroup

↓

And I go, "Okay."

↓

And they never called, so I bought these Adidas for $130. So...

bought called

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[audience cheering and clapping]

audience audience-cheering cheering clapping

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Fuck you, Nike!

fuck nike

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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Let's see if you even survive without my purchases now.

purchases survive

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

You want to know how crazy that company is?

company crazy

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I told that story in New York City at a show.

city story york york-city

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And the next day, a Nike executive got my cell phone number,

cell cell-phone cell-phone-number executive nike number phone phone-number

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and called me and goes, "I was at your show last night.

called night

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And I think it's very rude that you're telling that story."

rude story telling

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And I go, "Pfft. I think it's rude that you didn't give me free shit."

free pfft rude

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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"I think you should stop telling that story."

story telling

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And I go, "Fuck you.

fuck

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[audience whooping]

audience whooping

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Get out of here, man."

↓

[audience cheering and clapping]

audience audience-cheering cheering clapping

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And he goes, "Fuck you."

fuck

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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And I go, "Why don't you change my diaper?"

change diaper

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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And he goes, "What?"

↓

I said, "You heard me, bitch."

bitch heard

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[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

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And it was at that moment I realized,

moment realized

↓

we have this amazing insult at our fingertips

amazing insult

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-that we're just not utilizing enough. -[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

Why isn't "Change my diaper" part of the lexicon?

change diaper part

↓

It should be the ultimate insult.

insult ultimate

↓

It should be "Fuck you." "Why don't you fuck your mother?"

fuck mother

↓

"Why don't you change my diaper?" Game over.

change diaper game

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

I'm serious. Rappers should wear them in videos, and be like,

rappers serious videos wear

↓

"Change my diaper, bitch."

bitch change diaper

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

The president of another country should tell ours...

another country president

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

"Change my diaper, orange man."

change diaper orange

↓

[audience cheering and clapping]

audience audience-cheering cheering clapping

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And listen.

↓

If you're a parent, you know exactly why that insult is so appealing.

appealing insult parent

↓

If you're not, let me key you in on a little secret.

secret

↓

There's a reason your asshole is the only part of your body

asshole body part reason

↓

you can't physically see.

physically

↓

It's a fuckin' horror show, okay?

fuckin horror

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

When you have a little one, you have a front-row seat for years.

front seat years

↓

And my son shits with his eyes closed.

closed eyes eyes-closed shits

↓

I don't know how often you do that. I'm guessing it's twice a year.

guessing often twice

↓

Maybe the day you get back from Cancun,

cancun

↓

and when you tell the lady in the Thai restaurant,

lady restaurant thai

↓

"Yeah, I can handle my spice."

handle spice

↓

[audience laughs]

audience audience-laughs laughs

↓

My son, every single shit, he's like... [grunts]

grunts single

↓

And when he's done, he makes eye contact, and you're like, "Whoa."

contact makes whoa

↓

And he pushes out the last bit as he stares through you.

pushes

↓

He's like... And you're like, "Ugh. You're nasty as hell. Gross."

gross nasty

↓

Just once, it would be nice if, as I'm cleaning my son's shit-filled asshole,

asshole cleaning filled sons

↓

if he would look up at me. "Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it."

appreciate motherfucker

↓

And I'd be like, "Yeah. And I appreciate you."

appreciate

↓

[audience clapping]

audience audience-clapping clapping

↓

Thanks, Denver. You're so much fun.

denver fun thanks

↓

Have a great night. Appreciate you very much.

appreciate night

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Thank you so much.

↓

[audience cheering and clapping]

audience audience-cheering cheering clapping

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You're the best.

best

↓

[audience cheering and clapping]

audience audience-cheering cheering clapping

↓

Thank you so much. You guys are the best. Love you. Good night.

best love night

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