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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E02 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 2 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

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[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen...
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[audience whistling]
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Tom Segura!
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[audience cheering and clapping]
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[inaudible dialogue]
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Whoa!
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What's up?
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Holy shit. Thank you, Denver. That was amazing.
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[audience whooping]
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Thank you so much.
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I wish I was home right now.
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-Um... -[audience laughs]
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No offense. Not personal.
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That is literally my first thought whenever I walk into any room.
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I'm like, "Well, I wish I was home right now."
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-Uh... -[audience laughs]
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I think it's your thought too.
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I think you're like, "I hope this is good,"
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but also, "Wrap this shit up so I can go home."
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[audience laughs]
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I actually think that's the meaning of life.
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Like, people are always philosophizing, "What is the meaning of life?"
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I'll tell you the meaning of life.
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The meaning of life is, "Fuck this place. Let's go home."
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Now...
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[audience laughing and whistling]
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Luckily for all of us, I think we are five years away
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from never leaving our homes again.
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-[audience laughs] -And I'm pretty fuckin' excited about it.
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There... There are a lot of indicators if you're paying attention.
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Like, number one, do you ever really process
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that you don't have to leave your home to buy anything?
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You're like, "Yeah, I order some things online."
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No, no, no. You can sit on your couch,
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pull up your phone, and if you want to, just be like, "I want bananas.
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And I want hammers. And...
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-[audience laughs] -I want an eagle's beak."
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-And then... -[audience laughs]
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Amazon's like, [blows raspberry]
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"It's on your fuckin' doorstep." How about that?
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[audience laughs]
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Isn't that insane to you?
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You don't have to leave your home to see people.
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You should. You don't have to.
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Just hold up the same device and be like, "Hi."
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[audience laughs]
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"Bye."
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And you saw everyone.