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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E01 — Teacher (2005)

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 1 — Teacher (2005)

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[street noises rise slowly]

noises rise slowly street

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[crowd cheering faintly]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering faintly

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[announcer] Milwaukee, please welcome Tom Segura.

announcer milwaukee segura welcome

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-[crowd cheers] -[elevator dings]

cheers crowd crowd-cheers dings elevator elevator-dings

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["Time 4 Sum Aksion" by Redman plays]

plays redman

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

action

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

action

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

action

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♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

action

↓

♪ Time, time for some Time for some action ♪

action

↓

♪ Time, time for some Time for some action… ♪

action

↓

♪ Let's get ready to rumble ♪

ready rumble

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♪ In this corner we have The funk bodysnatcher ♪

corner funk

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♪ P-Funkadelic and I gat ya Hard enough that I can… ♪

hard

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All right, thank you very much!

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-[song fades] -[crowd whoops]

crowd fades song whoops

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Thank you.

↓

You guys are amazing, thanks.

amazing thanks

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Yeah, I love you too.

love

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You're so well-behaved.

behaved

↓

-That's great. -[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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It's not always like this. You know that, right? We, uh…

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We had a fight in the front row last week at a show.

fight front week

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Yeah, and you fucking notice when it's in the front row.

front fucking notice

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-[laughter] -You notice.

laughter notice

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And, um… you know, normally, we try to put that out pretty quickly,

normally quickly

↓

but the, uh, the guy that started the fight was just so old.

fight started

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-Uh… -[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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When security descended upon him,

security

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I was just like, "Wait."

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You know?

↓

Like, "Let him do it," you know.

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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It's probably his last fight, you know.

fight

↓

I'm sure it was. He was very old, and he was punching another guy,

another punching

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but he was… you know, he was making, like, old sounds

sounds

↓

as he was like… "Bughh…" Like, it was…

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

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Even the guy getting hit was like, "I don't give a shit." Like…

↓

"I don't feel this." And then…

↓

Then the older guy, he just kind of tuckered out, you know. He was, "Aww…"

older

↓

And he just… He just kind of faded.

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And then as security was escorting him up the aisle, I looked and I was like,

aisle looked security

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"Oh, I think that's a woman."

woman

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-Um… [chuckles] -[crowd laughing]

chuckles crowd crowd-laughing laughing

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It was the hair.

hair

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You know how women will sometimes hit a certain age

certain sometimes women

↓

where they don't want you to try to fuck them anymore, and…

anymore fuck

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the hair goes first, you know. They just go… [buzzing]

buzzing hair

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Then we all go, "Oh yeah. Don't try to touch her. I got it."

touch

↓

This goes… [whooshes]

whooshes

↓

The vagina closes, the hair goes,

closes hair vagina

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and we all go, "She's off-limits." So…

limits

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Whoever it was, rest in peace.

peace rest

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-Um… -[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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I, uh… [chuckles]

chuckles

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I just got back from my favorite place. I was in Italy, which I absolutely love.

absolutely favorite italy love place

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-[crowd cheering] -Yeah… it's the greatest.

cheering crowd crowd-cheering greatest

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It is the greatest. And…

greatest

↓

My phone knows that I love Italy,

italy knows love phone

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just like our phones know everything about us now.

phones

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It was fun, I think about a decade ago, when we would like kind of debate,

debate decade fun

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"Wouldn't it be crazy if this thing was listening to everything we said?"

crazy listening

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And then now we're like, "Oh yeah, this records everything."

records

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[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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Everything I say, text, think, it's just there.

text

↓

Unless you're one of these people who happens to believe, you're like,

believe happens

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"Oh yeah, you know, I was having a conversation with someone

conversation having

↓

about a bread basket from Croatia in the 1700s,

basket bread

↓

and then I opened my Gmail, and it was like,

opened

↓

'You looking for a Croatian bread basket?'"

basket bread looking

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[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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You're like, "Isn't that a wild coincidence?" Well, yeah.

coincidence wild

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I talk about Italy all the time, and every time I open my phone,

italy open phone

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social media is just Italy.

italy media social social-media

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It's Italian landscapes, Italian recipes,

italian

↓

Italian women's feet,

feet italian womens

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and I go "like, like, like," right?

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[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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But whenever I see landscape shots of Italy,

italy shots

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there's always a guy on a Vespa, you know?

↓

Those little scooters, and they're zipping around,

scooters

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and they're dreaming of marinara, or whatever they do.

dreaming

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[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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[vrooming] Yeah.

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And whenever I see a guy on a Vespa,

↓

internally to myself, I go,

internally

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"That's gay." Right?

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

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But when you're there and you see one,

↓

you're like, "No one will know, right?"

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

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So I rented one, and…

rented

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

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It was the single most joyful experience of my entire life,

entire entire-life experience joyful life single

↓

including the birth of my children. It was fucking amazing.

amazing birth children fucking including

↓

I was making up reasons to take that thing out.

reasons

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I was just like, "We don't have any butternut squash. I gotta go."

squash

↓

Couple days into it, I started making up a narrative in my head.

couple couple-days days head narrative started

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I was like, "This is the same as a Harley. This is the same shit."

harley

↓

This is my hog. [vrooms]

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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Another day went by, I was like, "I am getting one of these…

another

↓

as soon as I get back."

↓

I started shopping online. "Do I want a blue one? Yeah."

blue online shopping started

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"Do I want a basket? Fuck yeah, I want a basket on that."

basket fuck

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And then I got back to the US of A, and within moments, I was like,

moments

↓

"Oh, there's not a fucking chance." Like…

chance fucking

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[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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"I'll get beat to death at a red light… in one of these,"

beat death light

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and that's when you realize that Vespas are the pickleball of the motorbike world.

pickleball realize world

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They are…

↓

[crowd laughs and applauds]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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They just are.

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

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Yeah!

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It is simply a substitute for the real thing.

real simply substitute

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Just say you suck at tennis, you fucking cuck. Like…

cuck fucking suck tennis

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Nobody wants to hear that you're excelling at a make-believe sport.

believe nobody nobody-wants sport wants

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Now… "No, but it's so social."

social

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[mock babbling]

babbling mock

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[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

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"Anyone can do it." That's why you do it. You're soft. Now…

soft

↓

I did something very, very fun recently.

fun recently

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I got to fly with the Blue Angels.

angels blue

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I don't know if you know what that is.

↓

-[cheering] -Oh, wow.

cheering

↓

Wow!

↓

For those of you that don't know, that is the US Navy's aerial show program.

program

↓

They put on shows all over our country that are unbelievable.

country shows unbelievable

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These are elite fighter pilots

elite fighter pilots

↓

that are flying in fighter jets 18 inches apart,

apart fighter flying inches jets

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and they do these wild, acrobatic stunts.

stunts wild

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And I went to the show, and it was amazing.

amazing

↓

Then afterwards, I met one of the organizers,

afterwards

↓

and very casually, I was like, "Yeah, I wish I could go up in one of those."

casually wish

↓

They were like, "Yeah, you can."

↓

And I go, "What the fuck, really?"

fuck

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

They go, "Yeah, if you come to Pensacola, Florida."

florida

↓

And I was like, "Ugh!"

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

"Okay." So…

↓

I went. I went to Florida.

florida

↓

I went to the base, and I met one of the pilots.

base pilots

↓

This dude looked like he was designed in a lab,

designed looked

↓

and then AI just shit him out, okay?

↓

This is one of the most beautiful men… I think about this guy every day, okay?

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

My last thought before I go to bed at night

night

↓

is his jawline, and then I go,

↓

"Hmm… mm," then I fall asleep.

asleep fall fall-asleep

↓

So I walk up to him, I go, "Hey, I'm Tom."

walk

↓

And he goes, "I'm Seven."

seven

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Whatever you say, Daddy. Uh…

daddy

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

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If you're a seven, I'd hate to meet a ten, you know what I mean?

hate meet seven

↓

So Seven tells me, "We're gonna do some wild stuff up there."

seven stuff tells wild

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"So don't eat a lot, because if you eat a lot,

↓

you will definitely throw up."

throw

↓

And I go, "Oh, wow, what if I throw up?"

throw

↓

He goes, "I'll give you a little baggie, and you can puke in that."

puke

↓

I go, "Thanks, dog."

thanks

↓

"What if I shit?"

↓

And he goes, "People don't shit."

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

You don't know who you're talking to right now, do you?

↓

We went up for 45 minutes.

minutes

↓

We flew vertically, we did barrel rolls, we flew Mach 1.2,

barrel flew rolls vertically

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we pulled seven and a half Gs.

half pulled seven

↓

It was the most thrilling 45 minutes of my entire life.

entire entire-life life minutes thrilling

↓

But when I got back, I realized something.

realized

↓

I realized that we are the only country on Earth

country earth realized

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where when you see a fleet of fighter jets approaching,

approaching fighter fleet jets

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you know something cool is gonna happen.

cool happen

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

It's just us.

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

Right? Like…

↓

Dude, we send them to the Daytona 500

send

↓

to kick shit off,

kick

↓

so that every asshole there can go…

asshole

↓

[chuckling] "Look at that."

chuckling

↓

"That's fucking cool."

cool fucking

↓

You're like, "Yeah, here."

↓

But if you're in the Hindu Kush province of Afghanistan,

afghanistan hindu

↓

and you see seven F-22s,

seven

↓

you're not like, "Oh, yeah, today's the race."

race todays

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

You know, you just go… [grunts]

grunts

↓

And that's it. That's the last fucking sound you ever make

fucking sound

↓

before you hear… [puffs]

puffs

↓

And then… there goes your mom's village.

moms village

↓

All right, so…

↓

[chants] USA…

↓

Now…

↓

[scattered whooping]

scattered whooping

↓

Well, sure.

↓

-[cheering] -Why not?

cheering

↓

You know, I didn't puke, and I didn't shit, but…

puke

↓

when I was in Houston about a month ago, I sharted.

houston month

↓

Here's what happened.

happened

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

If you were gonna make a list of the best places to shart,

best list places

↓

and I don't know why you would, but if you did,

↓

number one is the bathroom.

bathroom number

↓

And that's where I was.

↓

I was in a public restroom, and I was at the urinal.

public restroom urinal

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I was just enjoying a delightful afternoon pee, you know?

afternoon delightful enjoying

↓

Like a 90-second one, you know,

second

↓

where your mind just kind of goes.

mind

↓

Stream of consciousness takes over.

consciousness stream takes

↓

You're just lost, and like,

lost

↓

"Are birds real, or are they honing devices? I don't know."

birds devices real

↓

"Jesus, how big were Aretha Franklin's tits," you know?

jesus tits

↓

You ever think about that? Everyone talks about Dolly Parton's tits.

talks tits

↓

Did you ever look at Aretha Franklin's tits?

tits

↓

It looked like she was nursing seal pups.

looked nursing seal

↓

It's insane.

insane

↓

If she couldn't sing, she'd be serving lunch.

lunch serving shed sing

↓

You know what I mean? Those are some tits.

tits

↓

So…

↓

[chuckles quietly]

chuckles quietly

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I'm pissing… and it's great.

pissing

↓

My wife always gives me shit, by the way.

gives wife

↓

She's like, "You enjoy your bodily functions so much."

bodily bodily-functions enjoy functions

↓

I'm like, "Just let me live my life."

life live

↓

I mean, I do like peeing. I like sneezing more.

peeing sneezing

↓

If you don't enjoy an open-air, reckless, violent sneeze,

enjoy open reckless sneeze violent

↓

you're a fucking communist, okay?

communist fucking

↓

-[cheering] -It's the best.

best cheering

↓

Yeah, you know what I mean? No one's around, you go…

ones

↓

[loud babbling] One of those, and you're like, "What the fuck?"

babbling fuck loud

↓

"Don't talk to me."

↓

I love it. Coming's the best, obviously.

best love obviously

↓

I'm not gonna argue that point.

argue point

↓

So, I go, coming, sneezing, nice pee, emergency shit, um…

coming emergency sneezing

↓

I really like stretching in bed right after I wake up,

stretching wake

↓

and then it sends you back to sleep, 'cause it feels like fentanyl.

feels fentanyl sends sleep

↓

I don't know. I like it.

↓

I like sitting on the couch on a Sunday

couch sitting sunday

↓

and just a nice pinch and roll on my beanbag, you know? Just…

pinch roll

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

[man whoops]

whoops

↓

-[scattered whistling] -[Tom sighs]

scattered sighs whistling

↓

"This is free? This is crazy."

crazy free

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

"I wish it were Seven's hand, but this feels good, you know?"

feels hand sevens wish

↓

A lot of ladies get jealous about that, and honestly, you shouldn't.

jealous ladies

↓

I've seen what you have there, and there's plenty to pull,

plenty pull seen

↓

so you could also just…

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Tug on that taffy bag and see where it takes you.

taffy takes

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

[Tom sighs]

sighs

↓

Yeah, and don't you dare get insecure, okay?

dare insecure

↓

You ladies do that to each other. We never care.

care ladies

↓

It could have teeth, and we try to get in there. We don't care.

care teeth

↓

All I'm saying is, ladies, I want you to leave here tonight

ladies tonight

↓

knowing that you all have beautiful pussies, okay?

knowing pussies

↓

Yeah, sure.

↓

[cheers rise]

cheers rise

↓

Oh yeah, absolutely.

absolutely

↓

So I'm peeing, right?

peeing

↓

Um…

↓

And as I'm peeing, I feel something, you know, in the chamber.

chamber peeing

↓

And I'm polite, so I do the polite thing.

polite

↓

I… hmm… mmm…

↓

look around, and there's nobody in there.

nobody

↓

So I tell myself, "It's okay, buddy."

buddy

↓

"Why don't you give it a push?"

push

↓

And I did,

↓

and there was no sound.

sound

↓

None.

↓

But there was movement.

movement

↓

So now I have to check.

check

↓

Do you know how you have to check?

check

↓

You have to take your pants all the way down.

pants

↓

Like a fucking toddler. I was like…

fucking toddler

↓

So now I'm just Winnie the Pooh-ing it in a T-shirt. Like…

shirt

↓

"Hi."

↓

"Hello."

↓

My little dick's hanging out.

dicks hanging

↓

"Hello."

↓

Then I look into my boxers, and I'm like, "Yep, I'm throwing those out."

boxers throwing

↓

And then I clean up, and then I leave the restroom.

clean restroom

↓

All my friends are waiting outside, and I tell them what happened.

friends happened waiting

↓

They're like, "I don't wanna know." And I go, "I'm telling you."

telling

↓

And they go, "Well, stop." I go, "I'm not. You already know now."

↓

And in that exchange, something clicked.

clicked exchange

↓

I put it together.

↓

I didn't shart.

↓

I had simply shit my pants.

pants simply

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

Yeah.

↓

I mean…

↓

[scattered clapping]

clapping scattered

↓

That's an important distinction, right?

distinction

↓

A shart would imply that I had farted,

farted

↓

and that there were some DVD extras in there.

↓

I took a shit with my pants on.

pants

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

It would be no different than if I were standing here like,

standing

↓

"I think I'm gonna take a shit right now."

↓

And then I just kept talking.

↓

So, it's fucked with my confidence, but I'm back, baby.

baby confidence fucked

↓

I am fucking back. Yes.

fucking

↓

[loud cheers and applause]

applause cheers loud

↓

Thank you.

↓

Also, let me tell you something.

↓

This is my sixth hour special,

hour sixth special

↓

and I'm very, very grateful that I have this opportunity.

grateful opportunity

↓

Yeah.

↓

[crowd cheering and whooping]

cheering crowd crowd-cheering whooping

↓

I tell people a lot, and it's true,

↓

that I really didn't think this was in the cards for me.

cards

↓

I didn't think about this ever when I started out in entertainment.

entertainment started

↓

I really thought the highlight of my career

career highlight

↓

was many, many years ago

years

↓

when I booked the international campaign to be the spokesman for Subway.

booked campaign international spokesman subway

↓

Now… that's a real thing.

real

↓

That really happened to me. It took ten auditions.

auditions happened

↓

And when I got the call that I had booked this job,

booked

↓

I had the same thought that many of you are probably having right now,

having

↓

which is, what about Jared, you know?

jared

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Jared, the now former spokesman,

former jared spokesman

↓

was really prominent in advertising at this time.

advertising prominent

↓

So when I got the call that I was the new spokesman,

spokesman

↓

I asked them. I was like, "Wait, am I replacing Jared?"

asked jared replacing

↓

And they were like, "Fuck no."

fuck

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

See, if you don't know this man's story, he used to weigh 500 pounds,

mans pounds story used weigh weigh-pounds

↓

and he would go to his local Subway,

local subway

↓

and he would order a six-inch turkey sub,

inch order turkey

↓

and he'd go on long walks.

walks

↓

And over the course of several years, he lost nearly 300 pounds.

course lost nearly pounds several years

↓

Well, Subway did a one-time commercial that was so successful,

commercial subway successful

↓

they named him the permanent spokesman.

named permanent spokesman

↓

But the problem was…

problem

↓

[crowd laughs lightly]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs lightly

↓

They could only use Jared to promote their healthy subs.

healthy jared promote subs

↓

And they needed someone…

needed

↓

that looked like they could shit standing up, right?

looked standing

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

That's where your boy came in.

↓

I was like, "Wait a minute, Jared's gonna say,

minute

↓

'Eat the turkey sub and the veggie sub.'" "What am I gonna say?"

turkey veggie

↓

They're like, "You're gonna say, 'Don't forget we have a meatball sub too.'"

forget meatball

↓

I was like, "Okay, I can do that."

↓

But my next question was more relevant.

question relevant

↓

I was like, "Wait, Jared plays himself. He's Jared."

jared plays

↓

"Am I playing Tom, the comedian, in these commercials?"

comedian commercials playing

↓

And they were like, "No, Jared will remain Jared."

jared remain

↓

"You, Tom, are gonna play his derelict brother

brother

↓

who's a mess and eats like a fucking raccoon."

eats fucking mess raccoon

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I was like, "Okay, I can do that."

↓

I go, "I'm a character." They go, "Yes, you're a character."

character

↓

I go, "Great, what's my name?"

name

↓

And they go, "Jerome."

jerome

↓

I took a beat and I go, "That's a Black guy's name."

beat black name

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

And I'll never forget the chief marketing officer of Subway

chief forget marketing officer subway

↓

looked me dead in my face, and he goes,

dead face looked

↓

"Anybody can be named Jerome."

anybody jerome named

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I go, "Yeah, anybody can be named Tanner."

anybody named tanner

↓

"That's a fucking white guy's name, isn't it?"

fucking name white

↓

He goes, "We'll take your concerns back to the board."

board concerns

↓

Two weeks later, I am in New York City and I'm doing a wardrobe fitting

city fitting wardrobe weeks york york-city

↓

to start shooting the commercials.

commercials shooting start

↓

This guy walks into my dressing room and he goes,

dressing room walks

↓

"Hey, everybody agreed with your name issue."

agreed everybody issue name

↓

And I go…

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"No shit."

↓

"What's the new name? Jeff, Jason?"

jason jeff name

↓

He goes, "Jermaine."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I go, "That is way Blacker."

blacker

↓

"Am I wearing gold fronts in these commercials?"

commercials gold wearing

↓

He goes, "It's settled."

settled

↓

I go, "Okay."

↓

And then we shot commercials, you guys. We shot a bunch of commercials.

bunch commercials shot

↓

Then we went on hiatus

↓

and we were gonna shoot six more commercials

commercials shoot

↓

to launch this massive campaign.

campaign launch massive

↓

Well, the marketing guy resigned.

marketing

↓

A new guy came in, and he killed the ads.

killed

↓

So I got the call. They go, "It's over. These are never gonna air."

↓

"You don't get the contract. This is not happening."

contract

↓

And I got so depressed.

depressed

↓

I was like, "This was my big shot. It slipped through my fingers."

fingers shot slipped

↓

"I'm never gonna have another opportunity like this again."

another opportunity

↓

I just couldn't see the light.

light

↓

And then…

↓

[light laughter rises]

laughter light rises

↓

About ten years went by.

years

↓

And one day I turned on the television, and our old buddy Jared

buddy jared television turned

↓

was on TV too.

↓

Only it wasn't a Subway commercial.

commercial subway

↓

It was the evening news.

evening news

↓

And they were reporting that Jared was being sentenced

jared reporting sentenced

↓

to 19 years in prison for child pornography.

child pornography prison years

↓

I dropped to my knees. "Thank you, Jesus."

dropped jesus knees

↓

"Thank you for taking that away. I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

doubted

↓

"I will never do it again."

↓

Because if that campaign had aired,

aired campaign

↓

it would have been ten years

years

↓

of us doing commercials together, being on billboards together,

billboards commercials

↓

doing public appearances together.

appearances public

↓

And the day that awful news dropped about him,

awful dropped news

↓

all of you would have seen me on the street

seen street

↓

and been like, "Hey, Jermaine!"

↓

[crowd laughing loudly]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing loudly

↓

I'd be like, "What? I'm Tom."

↓

And you'd go, "Shut up, you Black piece of shit."

black piece

↓

-[stifling chuckle] -[crowd laughing]

chuckle crowd crowd-laughing laughing stifling

↓

[exclaims]

exclaims

↓

And you'd go, "You fucking knew!"

fucking

↓

"You fucking knew!"

fucking

↓

I'd go, "I don't know anything. I don't know what to say."

↓

"Hey!"

↓

"Gunther, back off."

gunther

↓

Now, Hitler did meth too. It's very well documented.

documented hitler meth

↓

A lot of people don't know he was given cocaine in the mornings

cocaine given mornings

↓

by his personal doctor.

doctor personal

↓

Like, you think Michael Jackson's doctor was out of line?

doctor line michael

↓

That was propofol to go to sleep.

sleep

↓

That's JV shit, okay?

↓

Like, "I want to go to sleep."

sleep

↓

"Oh, fuck."

fuck

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Hitler would wake up, and then his doctor was like,

doctor hitler wake

↓

"Good morning, my Führer." And fucking…

fucking morning

↓

[snorts]

snorts

↓

And then he was like, "Ah, Jews!"

jews

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

Dude, to start your day with an eight ball and a heart full of hatred is wild.

ball eight eight-ball full hatred heart start wild

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Here's what I really want to know.

↓

Why am I learning about this at 46?

learning

↓

I feel like every little kid should know this.

↓

Kindergartners should come up to all of us and be like,

↓

"You know how much cocaine Hitler did?"

cocaine hitler

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

You don't think that's the best deterrent story for a kid?

best deterrent story

↓

I do.

↓

When I was a kid, they'd go, "Don't do coke."

coke theyd

↓

And you'd go, "Why?"

↓

And they're like, "That's what rock stars do."

rock rock-stars stars

↓

And you're like, "Oh, okay."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"You mean like Slash and Eric Clapton?"

eric slash

↓

And they're like, "Yes, they're up till 6:00 a.m.,

till

↓

and they're shaving their bodies…"

bodies shaving

↓

[chuckles]

chuckles

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"…and they're fucking girls."

fucking girls

↓

"Is that what you want to do?" And you'd be like, "Boo!"

↓

"Anybody else do coke?" "Yeah, Martin Scorsese."

anybody coke martin

↓

You're like, "Yeah, that fucking worked out."

fucking worked

↓

"How about a bad guy?"

↓

"Uh-uh, we don't have any."

↓

Well, there is this one. I don't know if you've heard of him.

heard

↓

His name is Adolf fucking Hitler.

adolf fucking hitler name

↓

He was doing mountains of coke.

coke mountains

↓

By the way, he was having the same dumb conversations your friends have.

conversations dumb friends having

↓

He was just having them about war.

having

↓

He was like, "We should go to Stalingrad in December."

december

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

"Haha, and we'll fuck them up, hahaha!"

fuck haha hahaha

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

"Hey! Look at my mustache. I cut off the sides."

mustache sides

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

[cheers rising]

cheers rising

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

"You guys want to see my art? It's pretty good."

↓

"It's mostly me choking ducks. Look at this shit."

choking ducks mostly

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"You think Mussolini likes me?"

likes

↓

All right, well…

↓

No, it should be said. He was a real knucklehead.

real

↓

[stifling chuckle]

chuckle stifling

↓

Cool accent, though. Ja!

accent cool

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

See, I've always had a fascination with languages.

languages

↓

So, if you don't know, half my family is from South America.

america family half south south-america

↓

They're from Peru. I've been going there… Yeah.

↓

-[crowd cheering] -I've been going there my whole life.

cheering crowd crowd-cheering life whole whole-life

↓

My relatives have been visiting me my whole life.

life relatives visiting whole whole-life

↓

Did you know that every time

↓

one of my 288 cousins comes to visit me,

comes cousins visit

↓

they always say the same sentence incorrectly,

incorrectly sentence

↓

and they have for over 30 years.

years

↓

One of them… during their visit, one of them will come up to me and go…

visit

↓

[in Peruvian accent] "Tommy. Um… I have to, uh… make a shit."

accent tommy

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

And I go, "I understand."

↓

If you speak any Spanish, you realize what's happening.

realize spanish speak

↓

It's a literal translation.

literal translation

↓

Because in Spanish, you would say, "hacer," which is "to make,"

spanish

↓

which, to be fair to all Spanish speakers, it is exactly what you are doing.

fair spanish speakers

↓

You are, in fact, making shit.

fact

↓

I always correct them to be polite. "We don't say that here."

correct polite

↓

"Here, we say I have to take…

↓

a shit."

↓

And they always go, "Why?"

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"I will not take it anywhere."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I go, "Yeah, your logic is sound, but…

logic sound

↓

if you keep saying, 'I'm making shit in the toilet,'

toilet

↓

someone's gonna call the cops, so just follow my lead."

cops follow lead someones

↓

See, if you're at this show, you speak the world's language.

language speak worlds

↓

The world's language is English.

english language worlds

↓

Most of you, like me, did absolutely nothing to learn it.

absolutely learn

↓

You were just born.

born

↓

And the rest of the world tries so hard

hard rest tries world

↓

just to communicate with us,

communicate

↓

just to participate with us,

participate

↓

and then we mock them to their face for trying.

face mock

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Isn't that great? The whole world goes, "Um, how do you say…"

whole whole-world world

↓

and we go… [babbling]

babbling

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"Listen to this fucking idiot."

fucking fucking-idiot idiot

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Like you did something.

↓

"I do not know…" [babbling]

babbling

↓

"Shut up, stupid."

stupid

↓

It's like his eighth language.

eighth language

↓

Some redneck's like, "You don't fucking talk good."

fucking

↓

"Fucking don't talk so much." And you're like, "Yeah."

fucking

↓

"Yeah, what he said, for sure."

↓

You can do that if you want.

↓

You can mock people who have not mastered what you have.

mastered mock

↓

It's rude. With language, you're gonna hurt people's feelings.

feelings hurt language peoples rude

↓

You know what everybody enjoys everywhere? I swear, everywhere.

enjoys everybody swear

↓

If you can do an accent well,

accent

↓

people treat you like you're a goddamn magician.

goddamn magician treat

↓

They love it. Go try it at work. On Monday, just go to work and be like…

love monday

↓

-[in British accent] "Hello, mate." -[crowd laughs]

accent british british-accent crowd crowd-laughs laughs mate

↓

"Would you like a biscuit with your tea?"

biscuit

↓

Someone in your office is gonna go, "No-uh."

office

↓

I mean, you can do all the… Walk around…

walk

↓

[laughing in French accent]

accent french laughing

↓

"Would you like a croissant with your coffee?"

coffee

↓

"Would you like to mange my anus?" Whatever, say whatever you want.

anus

↓

And you can do all the accents.

accents

↓

Obviously not Asian, which is a bummer,

asian bummer obviously

↓

because that's the most fun one to do.

fun

↓

-Um… -[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

You'll continue to do that when you're alone, and with friends, and with family,

alone continue family friends

↓

and… in the shower, and in the car, and with lovers,

lovers shower

↓

because there's nothing better, but you can't do it, you know?

↓

You can do a little. You can do a note.

note

↓

It's sort of like you can walk up to a piano and you can hit a key, right?

piano walk

↓

You can be in public and go, like…

public

↓

[in random Asian accent] "Oh…" Like that.

accent asian random

↓

-[crowd laughs] -You know.

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

People still get jumpy. They'll be like, "What the fuck are you doing?"

fuck jumpy

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

You can't go the whole way. You can't be like, "I would like to…"

whole

↓

[babbling in random Asian accent]

accent asian babbling random

↓

You can't. I did it to show you, but you can't do that.

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

If you want to have fun with an Asian person speaking,

asian fun person speaking

↓

and you're not Asian,

asian

↓

what you should do is simply learn how to say something in an Asian language.

asian language learn simply

↓

Then you're repeating words. You're allowed to do that.

allowed repeating words

↓

I've been working on this Mandarin.

mandarin working

↓

[scattered laughter]

laughter scattered

↓

[Tom sighs]

sighs

↓

It's rough, but… [chuckles]

chuckles rough

↓

Here we go. [clears throat]

clears clears-throat throat

↓

-[chuckles] -[crowd laughs]

chuckles crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

[speaking Mandarin]

mandarin speaking speaking-mandarin

↓

[continues phrase]

continues phrase

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

Thank you.

↓

That means, "Kill my daughter. She is worthless."

daughter kill worthless

↓

Because they prefer boys, you know what I mean? Like…

boys prefer

↓

Another girl, throw her against the tree.

another girl throw tree

↓

Now… I did that joke in Hong Kong, and it did not land.

hong hong-kong joke kong land

↓

-So… -[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Yeah, they hate trees, but…

hate trees

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I don't know how I'd react. I have boys, but…

boys react

↓

I don't even know whose credit that is. Is that mine? Is that my wife's?

credit wifes

↓

I mean, she can take a load…

load

↓

-Um… -[crowd groans and laughs]

crowd groans laughs

↓

Between the legs. What I'm saying is…

legs

↓

I get blow jobs, but I get married blow jobs.

blow blow-jobs jobs married

↓

Them ain't like single-life blow jobs.

aint blow blow-jobs jobs life single single-life

↓

Married blow jobs kind of remind me…

blow blow-jobs jobs married remind

↓

You ever watch your dog…

watch

↓

on a hot day

↓

get some water

water

↓

from its bowl?

bowl

↓

And then it looks at you

↓

between licks. You know?

licks

↓

It's like…

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

You're like, "Yeah, that feels good, that's nice. Very nice."

feels

↓

"Are you done?" "Yeah, I didn't want to come. Thanks, that was fun."

fun thanks

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I still remember the good old days, yeah.

days remember

↓

Yeah, I have old VHS tapes back here,

tapes

↓

and they're a little grainy, but if I close my eyes,

close eyes

↓

I can still see those sweet, sweet angels from my twenties

angels sweet

↓

who made sounds like they were fighting for their life.

fighting life sounds

↓

You know, just…

↓

[retching]

retching

↓

[hoarse gagging]

gagging

↓

You know those blow jobs where you almost stop to see if she's okay?

blow blow-jobs jobs

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

You don't, 'cause you don't care.

care

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

You're like, "I like that you're suffering. This is cool."

cool suffering

↓

[mimics spitting]

mimics spitting

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

What, you don't have memories? Okay.

memories

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

[Tom sighs]

sighs

↓

I like a finger up the butt.

butt finger

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Let's be clear. I don't want to be excavated, okay?

clear

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I just like a little, you know…

↓

A little Steve Aoki. "What's this button do?"

button steve

↓

[making DJ mixtape noises]

noises

↓

Prime the pump, don't frack the crack. You're with me, right?

crack prime pump

↓

Yeah. You like that, sir?

↓

Yes.

↓

The 'stache gives it away. I knew you were in.

gives

↓

You?

↓

Fuck yeah, all the culture's up front.

cultures front fuck

↓

I polled my entire inner circle of close friends,

circle close entire friends inner

↓

and they were all like, "Fuck, no."

fuck

↓

"I don't like that. That shit is gay."

↓

And I was like, "Well, have you ever considered trying it with a woman?"

considered woman

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

That's not gay.

↓

Maybe stop having your brother do it, weirdo, and…

brother having weirdo

↓

"Hurry up before dad gets home."

home hurry

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

This is what you learn over the course of a lifetime about sex.

course learn lifetime

↓

You learn that men and women, we both lie about sex.

learn women

↓

We just lie in opposite directions.

directions opposite

↓

Men exaggerate their exploits and their interests

exploits interests

↓

simply because they live to impress women.

impress live simply women

↓

It's the truth. It's stupid, and it's simple, and it's true.

simple stupid truth

↓

Every woman in here, at some point, you'll meet a guy like, "I like it all."

meet point woman

↓

"Step on my nuts," and, um…

nuts step

↓

You know, "Cut my nipples open."

nipples open

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"Set me on fire."

fire

↓

And then you're like, "Okay…"

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"He seems fun."

fun seems

↓

-[crowd laughs] -Then you get him in bed. What happens?

crowd crowd-laughs happens laughs

↓

He's like, "Is that a match? I don't feel safe. I wanna call…"

match safe

↓

"Oh, right, sure. Okay."

↓

He's a fucking liar. He's a liar.

fucking liar

↓

Now, women do the opposite lie.

opposite women

↓

Women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex, but I'll defend you.

comes defend women

↓

I think you do it for a very good reason.

reason

↓

The reason a lot of women diminish their accountability when it comes to sex

comes reason women

↓

is they have a very real and valid fear

fear real valid

↓

that some men will shame them

shame

↓

for enjoying some of the same things that they enjoy.

enjoy enjoying

↓

Isn't that right, ladies?

ladies

↓

[women cheering and clapping]

cheering clapping women

↓

All right, so there's like 30 whores here. That's crazy.

crazy whores

↓

-[crowd laughs] -[Tom chuckles]

chuckles crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I'm kidding. [snickering]

kidding snickering

↓

I'm kidding. Thank you for cheering.

cheering kidding

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Then, you know, I think about, like, things that happen in my own life,

happen life

↓

and I realize that these theories are true.

realize theories

↓

I remember I had a roommate one time,

remember roommate

↓

and we both knew this beautiful girl named Nicole.

girl girl-named named nicole

↓

And one day, my roommate goes, "Oh, I hooked up with Nicole."

hooked nicole roommate

↓

And I go, "Oh, really?"

↓

And then he said something super weird and gross,

gross super weird

↓

and I apologize in advance, but he was like,

advance apologize

↓

he goes, "Yeah, man, her puss…"

puss

↓

-[snorts, chuckles] -[crowd laughing]

chuckles crowd crowd-laughing laughing snorts

↓

He made sounds, which also made it way worse, you know?

sounds worse

↓

He was like, "Mm."

↓

I was like, "Oh!"

↓

He was like, "It was so snuggly warm, you know?"

warm

↓

"I wanted to take a nap in there," and I was like, "What?"

wanted

↓

He's like, "Yeah, mmm! Felt so good."

↓

He goes, "It felt like a blanket that was lined with butter."

blanket butter lined

↓

And I go, "What the fuck?"

fuck

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

And then I dated her for two months after that.

dated months

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

You know why? 'Cause I like butter too, sir.

butter

↓

-So… -[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

One day I'm with her. I guess I'm feeling insecure.

feeling feeling-insecure insecure

↓

I bring it up. I go, "It's kind of weird you've hooked up with my roommate."

bring hooked roommate weird

↓

And she goes, "What?" I go, "Yeah."

↓

She goes, "I've never touched your roommate." I go, "Really?"

roommate touched

↓

She goes, "Hell no." I go, "Okay." So I go back to my place.

place

↓

I go, "Hey, man, she said you guys never hooked up."

hooked

↓

And he goes, "Oh yeah, that's true."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I go, "I should have known from the buttered-blanket pussy line."

blanket buttered known line pussy

↓

-[crowd laughs] -I go, "Why would you tell me that?"

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

He goes, "Who cares" and turned on the TV. That was our whole conversation about it.

cares conversation turned whole

↓

Years later, I was dating another woman

another another-woman dating woman years

↓

and we were talking about sex, like the topic of sex.

topic

↓

And I brought up threesomes.

brought

↓

I go, "Have you ever had a threesome?" You know what she said? She goes…

threesome

↓

I go, "I didn't ask, 'Did you remember to take your Adderall today?'"

remember today

↓

"Have you had sex with two other people at the same time?"

↓

She goes, "Not really."

↓

I go, "'Not really'? Was one of them an amputee?"

↓

'Cause that still counts.

counts

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

And she goes, "Well, here's the thing."

↓

I go, "This is a 'here's the thing'?"

↓

She goes, "Yes, technically I was in one,

technically

↓

but I was sunburned."

↓

And I go, "What the fuck?"

fuck

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

She goes, "I was in there, but didn't really participate

participate

↓

'cause my sunburn was killing me."

killing

↓

I go, "This is insane

insane

↓

women's-only logic you got going on right now."

logic womens

↓

She goes, "How about you?"

↓

I go, "I blew four guys, but I had poison ivy,

blew four poison

↓

so it doesn't count either."

count

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Just…

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

[people in crowd whistling]

crowd whistling

↓

She was an absolute whore.

absolute whore

↓

And… she's dead.

dead

↓

[scattered groans and laughter]

groans laughter scattered

↓

Probably.

↓

You know, I've been thinking about killing my wife.

killing thinking wife

↓

-Um… -[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I've been talking about it too. Mostly with my wife. [chuckles]

chuckles mostly wife

↓

-[crowd laughs] -It's her fault. She started it.

crowd crowd-laughs fault laughs started

↓

We were in the house one day, and she just lobs this at me.

house

↓

She goes, "How easily do you think you could kill me with your bare hands?"

bare bare-hands easily hands kill

↓

I go, "Uh, very."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

She goes, "Really?" I go, "It wouldn't even be a little bit hard."

hard

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

She goes, "No!"

↓

And I go, "Yeah."

↓

"I'm not saying I'm a badass. I'm saying I can kill you with little to no effort."

badass effort kill

↓

Now this shit comes up all the time. Like, whenever we're together.

comes

↓

We were in New York. We were waiting for the subway, just standing there.

standing subway waiting york

↓

And at one point I was like, "Oh, I could fucking…

fucking point

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

…shove you off of that platform right now."

platform shove

↓

And she looks, she goes, "I would die."

↓

I go, "No shit."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

Then she goes, "You shouldn't."

↓

I go, "What?"

↓

She goes, "There's cameras here, and there's people everywhere."

cameras

↓

"You're gonna get caught."

caught

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I was like, "Yeah, good looking out. Okay."

looking

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

We went to Hawaii.

hawaii

↓

We were on a hike just on this cliff's edge.

edge hike

↓

And at one point I put my hands on her shoulders.

hands point shoulders

↓

I go, "You know, if I wanted to, I could… [grunts] …throw you off."

grunts throw wanted

↓

And she looks. She goes, "I would die."

↓

I go, "You're getting good at this. Yeah."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I go, "Of course I'm not going to. There's rocks."

course rocks

↓

"Your body would be exposed. There'd be detectives everywhere."

body detectives exposed thered

↓

"It would fuck up my day. I'm not doing it."

fuck

↓

I go, "But if you look down there, I don't see any rocks."

rocks

↓

"Over there, the tide would take you out."

tide

↓

"And then I would have an awesome week in Hawaii."

awesome hawaii week

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

And then we kissed.

kissed

↓

-[inhales deeply] -[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing deeply inhales inhales-deeply laughing

↓

I guess that's love, right?

love

↓

Yeah, but she's alive.

alive

↓

[light laughter]

laughter light

↓

Isn't she?

↓

Yeah. You know, we've been together, I think 63 years now, and…

years

↓

You get to that point in your relationship where you're like,

point relationship

↓

"I'm riding it out with this one, right?"

riding

↓

But you can't help sometimes to think about who it could have been.

sometimes

↓

Don't you ever play that game?

game

↓

You think back and you think about one, you're like, "Oof, Jesus,

jesus

↓

I really dodged a bullet there."

bullet dodged

↓

Then you think about another one, "That could have been cool."

another cool

↓

You think about all of them. I had one hit me the other day.

↓

I was remembering that I studied abroad.

abroad remembering studied

↓

I did a semester in Madrid.

semester

↓

I remembered one time an American classmate of mine

american classmate remembered

↓

came up to me, and he goes,

↓

"Hey, I'm going to Tunisia this weekend, North Africa."

africa north weekend

↓

"Do you wanna come?" And I go, "Not really, no."

↓

Then he called me out. He goes, "When will you have the chance

called chance

↓

to see a place like that after such a short flight?"

flight place short

↓

"You really should go." And I thanked him.

thanked

↓

I said, "You're right, I'm coming." We went. We went to Tunisia.

coming

↓

We checked into a hotel. We see this beautiful woman in the lobby.

checked hotel lobby woman

↓

We approach her together, but we're gentlemen.

approach gentlemen

↓

I go, "Hey, we're American students. We're studying in Spain."

american spain students studying

↓

"We're here for the weekend." She goes, "I'm French."

french weekend

↓

"I'm traveling alone. I'm looking for heroin today."

alone heroin looking today traveling

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

And my friend goes, "She's yours."

friend

↓

And then he just… walked away.

walked

↓

And I was like, "Let's see where it goes," you know?

↓

We rode camels, you know, we tried to score some H. [chuckles]

chuckles rode score tried

↓

Then we're in her room later.

room

↓

And we're making out, it's starting to heat up.

heat starting

↓

And I wanna make this very clear to everybody.

clear everybody

↓

I stop her, and I go, "I gotta tell you something."

↓

"I don't have a condom and, no offense…"

condom offense

↓

[chuckling] "…I think I need one."

chuckling

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

She goes, "You don't need a condom."

condom

↓

I go, "Ah…"

↓

"Okay." So…

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

You said so, and I'm dumb.

dumb

↓

So we did what we did.

↓

And then I go back to my room, and my friend's there.

friends room

↓

He goes, "Where have you been?"

↓

I go, "The French girl. I just hooked up with her."

french girl hooked

↓

And his first question, he goes, "You have a condom?"

condom question

↓

And I go, "No."

↓

And his face dropped.

dropped face

↓

And he goes, "You're gonna die."

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

And I go, "I am gonna die."

↓

I didn't sleep one second.

second sleep

↓

In the morning, I go downstairs for breakfast,

breakfast downstairs morning

↓

for fucking Tunisian breakfast.

breakfast fucking

↓

It was like dates and hummus.

dates hummus

↓

I was like, "You're gonna eat this first thing and wash it down with coffee?"

coffee wash

↓

"You're gonna shit some memories out right now."

memories

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

So I ate, I shat, and I saw her.

shat

↓

She knew something was up. She's like, "What is wrong?"

↓

I go, "Last night, we did what we did, and we didn't use protection."

night protection

↓

And she goes, "That's okay." And I go…

↓

[chuckling dryly] "No, it's not."

chuckling

↓

And she goes, "It's okay because I take medicine."

medicine

↓

[softly] I go, "Why do you take medicine?"

medicine softly

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"Is your T cell count like 12 or something?"

cell count

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

She goes, "I take medicine to not make babies."

babies medicine

↓

I go, "The pill?"

pill

↓

[laughing] "You think I'm worried…"

laughing worried

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"…about getting you pregnant?"

pregnant

↓

"How would you even find me?"

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"You just gonna write a letter?"

letter write

↓

"Dear America…"

america dear

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"A man calling himself Big Daddy Kane fucked me…"

calling daddy fucked

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"…in North Africa."

africa north

↓

And she goes, "Calm down."

calm

↓

I go, "I can't!"

↓

This woman reached into her purse and pulled out pills.

pills pulled purse reached woman

↓

I didn't even ask what they were. I was just like…

↓

"What was that, vitamin C?"

vitamin

↓

She goes, "Xanax. You just ate three Xanax."

three

↓

"And now you're gonna relax, you big baby."

baby relax

↓

And like a minute later, I go, "Mm-hmm."

minute

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

"I am relaxed."

relaxed

↓

And then we went up to her room, and we had unprotected sex again.

room

↓

And that's how I got AIDS. I don't know. Um…

aids

↓

[crowd laughs]

crowd crowd-laughs laughs

↓

I've never been tested. And guess what, guys?

tested

↓

I'm not gonna be.

↓

Because it's better not to know.

↓

At this point, I've got it.

point

↓

My wife's got it.

wifes

↓

The boys have got it.

boys

↓

Seven's got it.

sevens

↓

[crowd laughing]

crowd crowd-laughing laughing

↓

Oh yeah, for sure.

↓

[cheers and applause]

applause cheers

↓

Bill Belichick definitely has it.

bill

↓

But you know what? I feel good skinny.

skinny

↓

So thank you, AIDS, and thank you, Milwaukee.

aids milwaukee

↓

You guys were the best. Thanks very much.

best thanks

↓

-[crowd cheering] -Have a great night. Thank you.

cheering crowd crowd-cheering night

↓

['90s hip-hop music playing]

music music-playing playing

↓

-[cheers and applause] -[hip-hop track continues]

applause cheers continues track

↓

-[crowd fades] -[music continues]

continues crowd fades music music-continues

↓

[music ends]

ends music music-ends