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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E02 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 2 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

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the most shameful and honest question in all of fast food.
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'Cause you pull up and you go, "I'll have a double-double, fries and a Coke."
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And they go, "Will you be eating in the car?"
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[audience laughs]
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"Yeah, I think so."
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[audience laughs]
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And they go, "I bet you will, you fat, fuckin' pile of garbage."
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Doesn't that question sting?
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You're like, "Am I living in my car? Why am I eating in my car?"
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[audience laughs]
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'Cause if you say no, they give you a bag, and they're like, "Leave with dignity."
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But if you say yes, it's an open tray, and they go, "Eat out of that, pig."
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[audience laughs]
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And then it falls in your lap and they go, "Pick it up!"
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[audience laughs]
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And you're like, [mumbling] "Hot dog, french fries."
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"Are you gonna jerk off when you get home 'cause you're lonely?"
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And you're like, "Yes, yes."
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"We're gonna give you a free milkshake because you're bummin' everybody out.
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We're fast food workers.
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You're making us sad. Get the fuck out of here."
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[audience laughs]
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You can't say "retarded" anymore.
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[audience laughs]
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It was just here. Don't you remember?
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-"Retarded." That's how I... -[audience laughs]
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People get very upset.
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I don't really support the arguments against it.
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When people are like, "You shouldn't say it." "Why?"
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"What if there's one over there?" And you're like...
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[audience laughs]
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We never said it like that. We were never like, "Look at that guy!"
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[audience laughs]
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You didn't say it like that. You said it to describe an idea,
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or a situation, you know?
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If your friend was like, "I'll pick you up at your house,
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and then we'll come back to my place, and later we can go back to your house.
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And we can get your bags.
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And then, we'll come back over here after that."
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And your like, "That's retarded. Why the fuck would we do that?"
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[audience laughs]
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But now you can't say that. Now you've gotta be like, "That's not... smart.
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Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome, if you ask me."
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[audience laughs]
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It's not the same.
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You can't say, "That's gay." Damn.
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[audience laughs]
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I used to abuse that expression, I'm not gonna lie.
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