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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E02 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 2 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

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I lost about 50 pounds, and you know... Yeah.
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Maybe... Maybe you're out there right now and you're thinking, like,
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"Hey, man. If you can do that, I can do that."
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Probably not.
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[audience laughs]
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I mean, look what I'm doing right now. Can you do this?
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I don't fuckin' think so.
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[audience laughs]
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I'm just an awesome guy. But...
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[audience cheering and clapping]
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You know what sucks? When you lose weight on a public platform like I did,
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you get... I get so many messages.
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People are like, "You inspired me." And I'm like, "Oh, I didn't mean to."
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[audience laughs]
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People ask me like, "Will you coach me into weight loss?"
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-And I'm like, "Absolutely not." -[audience laughs]
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One guy hit me up like 50 times.
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"Give me a message to get this kick-started."
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"I'll give you a message.
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When you look in the mirror, do you say, 'I fuckin' hate you'?
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Then you're not ready.
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[audience laughs]
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Cry more and eat less." Send.
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-That's my message. -[audience laughs]
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Hey, you asked me. Now...
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I'll tell you, on a grand scale, who's helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks.
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And this is true. They have a national training campaign
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to try to trick you into ordering food.
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And this is why. They know you're going to order a beverage.
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So, they try to lead you into food.
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Pull into any Starbucks drive-through.
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And now they greet you, they say, "Welcome to Starbucks.
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What can we get started for you to eat today?"
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-And you're like, "Wait, what? -[audience laughs]
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I just wanted coffee."
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And they're like, "No shit.
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[audience laughs]
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What else do you want?"
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[audience laughs]
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You're like, "I don't know, sausage?
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I mean, what do you have?"
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[audience laughs]
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I don't respect that. I like my shame straight-up and honest.
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And nobody does that better than the West Coast burger chain In-N-Out.
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And if you've never been...
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[audience cheering]
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If you've never been in In-N-Out, get your fuckin' life together and go.
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And I want you to go simply so you can experience
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