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Home » Tom Segura Standup » S01E02 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

Tom Segura Standup

Season 1, Episode 2 — Tom Segura: Ball Hog

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But the number-one indicator
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that we are not gonna leave our homes one day very soon
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are the number of commercials I see for beds that sit up for you.
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-Now... -[audience laughs]
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if you don't know what I'm talking about, you haven't been watching TV.
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There are endless commercials that air,
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where basically, a guy comes out and he's like,
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"Doesn't it suck to sit up?"
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[audience laughs]
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Something like that. And I guess the people are like, "It does suck!"
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[audience laughs]
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And he goes, "Well, get this fuckin' bed.
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[audience laughs]
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You don't have to sit up no more."
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[audience laughs]
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They try to advertise that it's for snoring.
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It's because you're a piece of shit. That's why you got that bed.
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[audience laughs]
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All you've done is lay down.
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You've been sleeping for hours, and your first thought when you wake up is,
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"I don't even want to sit up.
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I want to go from here to..."
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-Mm... -[audience laughs]
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Well, wakey-wakey, little turd.
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How are you gonna change the world?
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That means in two years, we're gonna be sitting in beds that sit up for us,
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and we'll just go, "Food."
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And then a mechanical arm will come out.
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[audience laughs]
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And then you'll go, "Shit." And the bed will open.
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[audience laughs]
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And you'll go, bah! And you'll shit through the bed.
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[audience laughs]
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And then you'll be like, "I'm tired.
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[audience laughs]
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I wanna rest. Oh, yeah."
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-Mm... -[audience laughs]
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And we'll all be 800 pounds.
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-I can't fuckin' wait. Now... -[audience laughs]
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Speaking of weight, I lost a decent amount of weight recently.
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I was on...
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[audience cheering]
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That's right. I was in a weight loss contest with the fattest man on Earth.
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-[audience laughs] -And... Yes.
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You may have seen him. His name is Brent Crystals. And....
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[audience laughs]
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I beat him in this contest because I'm a better person,
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-but that's not what I want to talk about. -[audience laughs]
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