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» S02E03 — Bad News
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Season 2, Episode 3 — Bad News
I also sleep with a weighted blanket
#1
⇓
'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me,
#2
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but I don't have to have hair in my mouth,
#3
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so I sleep with a weighted blanket,
#4
⇓
which also helps with wet dreams.
#5
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And by help, I mean it causes them, so...
#6
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Weighted blankets, yeah, good for wet dreams,
#7
⇓
shitty for house fires, I'll tell you that.
#8
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You know, Christina said I have great balls.
#9
⇓
Which really just feels like she's saying, "Your dick's not worth talking about."
#10
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We're not supposed to be married.
#11
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Right?
#12
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They're here.
#13
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What's here?
#14
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My merch.
#15
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You have an 18-wheeler dropping off merch?
#16
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Yeah, man.
#17
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It's a big day.
#18
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Wait, what?
#19
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Remember when you said take something from my act, throw my name on it,
#20
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make a little extra scratch?
#21
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Yeah, I remember that.
#22
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I went with weighted blankets.
#23
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- Weighted blankets? - Yeah.
#24
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'Cause they make you nut.
#25
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Wait, are you ser--
#26
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Is this truck really full of weighted blankets?
#27
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Yeah.
#28
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Kirk... merch for comedy shows
#29
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is like T-shirts, hats, beer koozies.
#30
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They love my weighted blanket bit.
#31
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Honestly, it's not even really a bit.
#32
⇓
You just kind of have a couple lines about it.
#33
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Wait, how much do they weigh?
#34
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Hundred and twenty-five.
#35
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Pounds?
#36
⇓
Yeah.
#37
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I thought weighted blankets weighed, like, 10 or 15 pounds.
#38
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I wanted to stand out.
#39
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Dude, you wear a hat at every show.
#40
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You don't think a Kirk Fox... hat is a good idea?
#41
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Yeah, weighted hats.
#42
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No, what... what is your deal with weighted stuff?
#43
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Kirk, how many of these did you order?
#44
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400,000 worth.
#45
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What?
#46
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Yeah, they lowered the cost 'cause I got a bulk order.
#47
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Four hundred grand?
#48
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Got an equity line on the house.
#49
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- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
#50
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What the fuck is wrong with you?
#51
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I've never been clearer.
#52
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- Did you tell them? - That they'll nut?
#53
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Yes, I did what you said, but no one gets it.
#54
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- Everyone's super confused. - You gotta take it off the table!
#55
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You gotta demonstrate.
#56
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Kirk Fox makes you come.
#57
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I tried, but it's too heavy.
#58
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I mean, I had both knees replaced last month.
#59
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I don't give a shit about your knees, you fucking old bitch.
#60
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How's it going, man?
#61
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Well, she's not showing them how to use it.
#62
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You gotta show them how to use it. I told you that.
#63
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It's a blanket. People get it.
#64
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It's a weighted blanket.
#65
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Right, I forgot that.
#66
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If you lay down like this,
#67
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it's a weighted blanket.
#68
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Give me one.
#69
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Do you need a hand?
#70
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Oh my God.
#71
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Jesus!
#72
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Oh my God. Are you okay?
#73
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This is what happens when you give me Nancy Reagan's corpse
#74
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to sell blankets, man.
#75
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- Let me help you up. - You're fine.
#76
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She's not fine.
#77
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- Quit your whining. - Can we get some help over here?
#78
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- Get her to a medic. - Shut up.
#79
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This way.
#80
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Kirk, this is a shit show, man.
#81
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I just need more time.
#82
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I don't think time's the issue.
#83
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It's your dumb fucking idea.
#84
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That's the problem.
#85
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Shit.
#86
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Tom.
#87
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I fucked up, man.
#88
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That's what I've been saying, man.
#89
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This is a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea.
#90
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Oh fuck!
#91
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Goddamn it.
#92
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Please help me, man. Please help me.
#93
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I thought I had it, man.
#94
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I thought I had it. I felt it.
#95
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iPhones.
#96
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Uncrustables.
#97
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Nut blankets.
#98
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The big three.
#99
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Did you just compare these to iPhones?
#100
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Fuck!
#101
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This is the worst idea anyone has ever come up with.
#102
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It's a really bad idea.
#103
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My entire life savings went into this.
#104
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I'm gonna be homeless. I can't be homeless.
#105
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I joke about being homeless.
#106
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"Hey, I'm built for it. I'm always in denim."
#107
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"I need a shower every night."
#108
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- "I just look dirty. I'm clean." - All right, take a deep breath.
#109
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Just listen.
#110
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- We'll figure it out. - How? How?
#111
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I'm fucking toast, bro.
#112
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I'll reimburse you
#113
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for the 400 fucking thousand dollars you spent.
#114
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Five hundred. I lied.
#115
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Okay... I'll reimburse you
#116
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for the 500 fucking thousand dollars you spent on weighted blankets,
#117
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and we'll come up with a payment plan or something, okay?
#118
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You're doing a lot of free shows, by the way.
#119
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- I love you. - I love you too.
#120
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And you are getting rid of these fucking weighted blankets.
#121
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However you wanna do it.
#122
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- I'll get rid of these. - Yes.
#123
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Just figure something out.
#124
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How's it going?
#125
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Oh, hey.
#126
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If there's still feedback, like, anywhere else on stage, I'm fine.
#127
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But when you're downstage center--
#128
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You're welcome!
#129
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You like that?
#130
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Get that one. Get it in there.
#131
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I'm trying.
#132
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Any nut allergies?
#133
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Weighted blankets for all!
#134
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Kirk! What the fuck are you doing?
#135
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Thank you, Tom.
#136
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He's fucking lost it.
#137
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Kirk Fox. Tell your friends.
#138
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Breaking news out of Hollywood, California now.
#139
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A stand-up comedian has been arrested on multiple counts of homicide,
#140
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assault, and terrorism.
#141
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His name, Tom Segura.
#142
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Seven people were brutally murdered and thousands traumatized
#143
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when an unnamed man that Segura hired began shooting audience members
#144
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with what's being described as a homemade projectile launcher.
#145
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Bank statements and emails from Segura to the man
#146
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show that Segura entirely funded the terrorist attack,
#147
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paying the man $500,000.
#148
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Segura is being held with no chance of parole
#149
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and will likely be sentenced to death later this month.
#150
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This comedian's brutal act is one that no one is laughing at.
#151
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Well, turning now to a reunion three years in the making.
#152
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A veteran and his military dog separated by thousands of miles
#153
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about to see each other for the first time since deployment.
#154
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You're gonna wanna grab a tissue for this one.
#155
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Cecilia Nichols has the story.
#156
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Army specialist Jake Thorton never forgot his partner,
#157
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a nine-year-old Belgian Malinois named Bruno.
#158
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Well, out there, it's just you and him.
#159
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And he had my back every single day.
#160
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From the very first moment, I trusted Bruno with Jake's life.
#161
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For 18 months, the two spent hundreds of hours together
#162
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on patrol in Iraq.
#163
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But when Jake's deployment ended,
#164
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Bruno still had years of service ahead of him,
#165
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meaning Jake had to leave his partner behind with a new handler.
#166
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That was, um, one of the hardest goodbyes of my life.
#167
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It weighed on him when he came back.
#168
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He really missed that dog.
#169
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Jake never stopped hoping he would see Bruno again,
#170
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waiting for the day his partner would finally retire from service.
#171
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I don't know if he'll remember me.
#172
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But I remember him.
#173
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I remember him every single day.
#174
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Well, we have someone here who has been waiting to see you.
#175
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Are you ready?
#176
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Yes, ma'am. I'm ready.
#177
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Here he is!
#178
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Hey, buddy. Hey.
#179
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Bruno.
#180
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I missed you so much.
#181
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Hey, buddy. Hey.
#182
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Hey, pal.
#183
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Come here, Bruno.
#184
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Jake, try not to move.
#185
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Stop!
#186
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Lower your heart rate. Jake! Control your breath!
#187
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Jake! He thinks you're Taliban!
#188
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Try and stop him!
#189
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There's absolutely nothing I can do, ma'am. He outranks me.
#190
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- Jake, I love you! - That's beautiful, ma'am.
#191
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Not everybody experiences love in this world.
#192
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Make it stop! Make it stop!
#193
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Your son's here.
#194
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Close your eyes, son. You don't want to watch this.
#195
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- He's gonna be okay. - Not gonna be okay.
#196
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Well, just surrender to it now.
#197
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Sorry, son. Your dad's dead.
#198
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Lord in heaven, thank you so much for letting Jake serve with us.
#199
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Amazing grace
#200
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How sweet the sound
#201
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That saved a wretch like me
#202
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- Holy shit. Oh my God. - Jesus.
#203
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Maybe he'll be okay.
#204
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I don't think so.
#205
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I don't know. Can we put something else on?
#206
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- God. - I miss our dog.
#207
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Do you think that we could love our baby as much as we love our dog?
#208
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- That's a good question. - No way, right?
#209
⇓
- You know how cute it is when he-- - All right, you two. We're ready.
#210
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So, Christina, Mary here will show you to the room for egg retrieval.
#211
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- And, Tom, follow me. - Okay.
#212
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- All right, Tom, here's your room. - It's okay, I'm okay.
#213
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Hey, I love you. Have fun jerking off into a cup.
#214
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Get in there.
#215
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So we got everything you need.
#216
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Uh, TV, remote, lots of selections, magazines...
#217
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So how long does it take most people?
#218
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Oh. Just, uh, take your time. But not too much time.
#219
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We need the sample within the hour to prepare it for fertilization.
#220
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Right.
#221
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I'll try to be quick. Is there lube or anything?
#222
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Well, lube has compounds that affect sperm mobility.
#223
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- So... ...yeah. - Oh, right.
#224
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Are you staying?
#225
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Oh, no.
#226
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I was-- I was kidding.
#227
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- Oh. - I was-- I was joking.
#228
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Um, just press the button when you're done.
#229
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Okay.
#230
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Gross.
#231
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Nope. No.
#232
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No.
#233
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So much acne. How am I gonna come to this?
#234
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- Excuse me? - Hm?
#235
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Um, are there any other, like, options?
#236
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Oh, there's gay stuff in there.
#237
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No, I meant, uh... I'm, I'm looking for better quality,
#238
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production, stories, you know, hotter people.
#239
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No.
#240
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Okay. Sorry about that.
#241
⇓
Oh, fuck me!
#242
⇓
Yeah.
#243
⇓
Lick his balls. That's good.
#244
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- Oh, yeah. - Oh my God. So much hair.
#245
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Fuck, I bet it stinks.
#246
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Yeah. Stinky little bitch.
#247
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Yeah, you didn't go to high school, did you?
#248
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Get in there.
#249
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Here we go!
#250
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Hi, Tommy.
#251
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No! Mom!
#252
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- Fuck! Mom! - Tommy?
#253
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- What are you doing? - Hey!
#254
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Oh my gosh, Tommy, what is that? That is disgusting.
#255
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I didn't wanna answer the phone.
#256
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Are you crazy? There is no chance you're showing--
#257
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I was-- I'm at a fertility clinic. I'm not just having an afternoon jerk.
#258
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This is for a reason. I'm hoping to give you a grandson.
#259
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- I saw your face, Tommy... - Please hang up.
#260
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I saw your face too. Worst moment of my entire life.
#261
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Can you hang up now?
#262
⇓
Who will do that in the middle of the day?
#263
⇓
I keep trying to fucking hit it, but my-- the-- my semen's on the phone.
#264
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What?
#265
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You've ruined this whole thing, okay?
#266
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Yeah, I gotta fucking go. Please hang up now.
#267
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- You are not my son! - Fuck, Mom!
#268
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- Oh my gosh! - No! 'Cause I-- I didn't...
#269
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- You are not my son! - Fuck!
#270
⇓
You are not my son!
#271
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I'll take it.
#272
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Okay? It's okay.
#273
⇓
It's okay. Thanks.
#274
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Thank you.
#275
⇓
Congratulations, Dad.
#276
⇓
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
#277
⇓
- Wait, wait, wait. - Mm.
#278
⇓
I'm gonna need that back, actually.
#279
⇓
I-I'm sorry?
#280
⇓
- It's not a good batch. - Oh, is it contaminated?
#281
⇓
Well, yes. I mean, not in the way that you told me it might be, but yes.
#282
⇓
Well, how is it contaminated?
#283
⇓
Well, when I was doing what I was doing in there, at the critical moment,
#284
⇓
my mom called,
#285
⇓
and I saw her face as I was making the deposit.
#286
⇓
Oh, sir. That's not how biology works.
#287
⇓
Yeah, but no, no, no. I know.
#288
⇓
But here's the thing. There's bad energy in there, okay?
#289
⇓
I don't even wanna meet the person that that becomes.
#290
⇓
So I would like it back.
#291
⇓
Okay, that's ridiculous.
#292
⇓
And we don't have time for this.
#293
⇓
It belongs to me, and I would like it back now.
#294
⇓
So give it back to me.
#295
⇓
Sir, this is a medical sample.
#296
⇓
It came from my body.
#297
⇓
Well, your wife is ovulating right now, so it is a medical sample.
#298
⇓
- You're a semen demon. - What?!
#299
⇓
You realize that I came looking at my mother?
#300
⇓
Well, she must be a pretty lady.
#301
⇓
Gross! I want it back.
#302
⇓
- No! No, no! What are you doing? - Yes.
#303
⇓
No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
#304
⇓
- Hey! Wh-- - Sorry.
#305
⇓
She stole my cum.
#306
⇓
- She stole my cum cup. - Are you crazy, man?
#307
⇓
- No! No! - Get back here!
#308
⇓
- That's my semen! - Nope!
#309
⇓
Help! Security!
#310
⇓
My God!
#311
⇓
Somebody stop her! Stop her!
#312
⇓
Help!
#313
⇓
Sir, you can't be in here.
#314
⇓
Give me back my cum!
#315
⇓
Hey! Come back! Come back here!
#316
⇓
Oh shit.
#317
⇓
Let go.
#318
⇓
- Give me that semen. - No! No! Give it to me!
#319
⇓
- Asshole! - Give me that!
#320
⇓
Shit.
#321
⇓
Uh-uh.
#322
⇓
No, no, no!
#323
⇓
Fuck.
#324
⇓
- Is everything okay? - Oh, uh...
#325
⇓
I'm so sorry.
#326
⇓
There was a small hiccup,
#327
⇓
but we got everything, and we're good to go.
#328
⇓
Goddamn it.
#329
⇓
Tom?
#330
⇓
I win.
#331
⇓
Tom, what the fuck?
#332
⇓
Ugh.
#333
⇓
You don't like this?
#334
⇓
Dude. Well, I guess we're dog people now.
#335
⇓
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