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Home » Bad Thoughts » S02E03 — Bad News

Bad Thoughts

Season 2, Episode 3 — Bad News

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Bad Thoughts
Episode title: Bad News
Air date: May 24, 2026
Directors: Rami Hachache, Jeremy Konner, Tyler Cornack
Top billed cast: Tom Segura
A comedian bets big on a killer merch idea. A military canin's homecoming brings more than just tears. A fertility clinic visit spirals out of control.
Source: TMDB
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I also sleep with a weighted blanket
blanketsleepweightedweighted-blanket
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'cause I like to feel somebody on top of me,
somebody
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but I don't have to have hair in my mouth,
hairmouth
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ecedb278-93aa-4252-aeaa-adec4d531ae8.gif
so I sleep with a weighted blanket,
blanketsleepweightedweighted-blanket
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1cde191d-bddb-49dc-b91c-a5d6494249ac.gif
which also helps with wet dreams.
dreamshelps
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b6a5d8ca-6aaa-43a0-8432-99deb6f97f2f.gif
And by help, I mean it causes them, so...
causes
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9b08d6dd-18c3-4208-8932-9c94efe2d223.gif
Weighted blankets, yeah, good for wet dreams,
blanketsdreamsweightedweighted-blankets
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fe3cabc9-2639-412b-982c-81b36d2a4fa5.gif
shitty for house fires, I'll tell you that.
fireshouseshitty
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ad0c6316-bcc2-4eb5-b450-8feaa1edde6a.gif
You know, Christina said I have great balls.
balls
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20063049-e7a4-4d43-80c4-1bf750cdad00.gif
Which really just feels like she's saying, "Your dick's not worth talking about."
dicksfeelsworth
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c6e61ce7-ac7a-40fb-82c8-355353cc6c42.gif
We're not supposed to be married.
marriedsupposed
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e793f6ea-083f-4759-b976-22ab5cd4c59d.gif
Right?
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ccc271f8-d0dd-4812-b120-f02c50cc4b15.gif
They're here.
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386dc502-105b-4dea-aac0-2af38533765d.gif
What's here?
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44d6b3b9-5429-4932-9b7c-6bde06a58240.gif
My merch.
merch
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e0084837-b023-41ef-8d7b-0c7bfcd9c754.gif
You have an 18-wheeler dropping off merch?
droppingmerchwheeler
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473fa119-362d-4947-b59a-243cfa373ebb.gif
Yeah, man.
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e1b43d24-ed5a-4846-bbd8-b7770668d458.gif
It's a big day.
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fa3e9bc9-bca2-4385-bf46-44c577cbee68.gif
Wait, what?
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07e1bb4e-4a94-4488-85a3-2e6edd3130cf.gif
Remember when you said take something from my act, throw my name on it,
namerememberthrow
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0d0b37b3-3ef9-4f43-9b09-ceee76c4cfca.gif
make a little extra scratch?
extrascratch
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ee69c015-9033-4ac4-a6b0-d41e60835020.gif
Yeah, I remember that.
remember
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c74dafd5-bfca-4212-bb44-a5666b760595.gif
I went with weighted blankets.
blanketsweightedweighted-blankets
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23948ffb-52d5-4560-bcd1-7115729b6af0.gif
- Weighted blankets? - Yeah.
blanketsweightedweighted-blankets
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361a0cd1-f81c-4e46-9aa4-628a6dbc2aaf.gif
'Cause they make you nut.
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3d1c39de-4ec3-4951-9c24-86b5458f8d02.gif
Wait, are you ser--
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6c5382a0-fb3d-48e1-8c39-6a07e75b0486.gif
Is this truck really full of weighted blankets?
blanketsfulltruckweightedweighted-blankets
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ec179bf4-901f-49e9-b3b9-a61be256fb09.gif
Yeah.
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a0661436-3bc8-44d5-a85d-4373af1d875a.gif
Kirk... merch for comedy shows
comedykirkmerchshows
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4af42e5b-fbe5-4adf-bc09-d19e8202a794.gif
is like T-shirts, hats, beer koozies.
beerhatsshirts
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97f1d9f4-d7d5-4d5b-a07e-f55a84c6aac7.gif
They love my weighted blanket bit.
blanketloveweightedweighted-blanket
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1e6ebaf7-8848-4bb7-b31e-34a323706441.gif
Honestly, it's not even really a bit.
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c4cfbc35-a7bd-4045-80f5-e09fe5e299bf.gif
You just kind of have a couple lines about it.
couplelines
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0223c2f2-b76e-46e1-b7aa-30b3b68df3cd.gif
Wait, how much do they weigh?
weigh
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4d0396dd-864b-47cb-8160-b1220d81910b.gif
Hundred and twenty-five.
fivehundredtwentytwenty-five
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3d3f3e86-ad1c-4236-a2ad-ae18aa0ed21f.gif
Pounds?
pounds
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151b179d-898a-4d99-a841-21dd13d887ea.gif
Yeah.
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add2a447-e46a-450e-af78-3de2c76f14f0.gif
I thought weighted blankets weighed, like, 10 or 15 pounds.
blanketspoundsweightedweighted-blankets
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ca382a2a-84f0-4289-b3f6-f35ee694b69d.gif
I wanted to stand out.
standwanted
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3741e754-50c9-48a1-b8d4-0cd0ea75d693.gif
Dude, you wear a hat at every show.
wear
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b66b6dc0-59bc-4467-9347-ce84a490c621.gif
You don't think a Kirk Fox... hat is a good idea?
ideakirk
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f221b8a7-c356-4037-af64-e2332ba11a3e.gif
Yeah, weighted hats.
hatsweighted
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094d2a05-d4c2-431f-8378-cdfe9739819d.gif
No, what... what is your deal with weighted stuff?
dealstuffweighted
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2e6984d0-dfbb-4b97-9b12-5a7ebbc7efe9.gif
Kirk, how many of these did you order?
kirkorder
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400,000 worth.
worth
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f7fa97e2-4d4d-4c96-b268-068f579f0c93.gif
What?
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758fd8c5-1dad-4dbb-91ee-d22184250659.gif
Yeah, they lowered the cost 'cause I got a bulk order.
bulkcostloweredorder
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2f6ffef4-8fca-4465-8354-b2459682f3a3.gif
Four hundred grand?
fourfour-hundredgrandhundred
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97358d5e-f994-4566-9ce1-f0f41636687c.gif
Got an equity line on the house.
houseline
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a1a140cd-43cf-4797-a127-dda30c0999fb.gif
- Can I ask you something? - Yeah.
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f90ed45f-62a2-44f8-926c-09f3ea7ddb00.gif
What the fuck is wrong with you?
fuck
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b14d06b8-5f94-4fed-b633-55affc05de8c.gif
I've never been clearer.
clearer
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fb5d018d-fccd-4327-849c-9c997e9b0af2.gif
- Did you tell them? - That they'll nut?
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3957e0d7-31cf-45eb-8e96-f2efe8b41947.gif
Yes, I did what you said, but no one gets it.
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275ec76d-14a5-495b-a3d7-802b332d264e.gif
- Everyone's super confused. - You gotta take it off the table!
confusedeveryonessupertable
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e0ae1f81-6b75-4aa3-86a1-5f4207fcd010.gif
You gotta demonstrate.
demonstrate
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cc51db23-c0f7-42a1-9711-c3004431d3f8.gif
Kirk Fox makes you come.
kirkmakes
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55af055f-3d76-4688-8569-0af80267d685.gif
I tried, but it's too heavy.
heavytried
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cf8ed3c8-fcb5-4064-8e08-209465af5e4e.gif
I mean, I had both knees replaced last month.
kneesmonthreplaced
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5bf55a36-43f0-4dc2-9578-8499335c3998.gif
I don't give a shit about your knees, you fucking old bitch.
bitchfuckingknees
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ce68cb64-40ad-403d-92ef-41bc4664708b.gif
How's it going, man?
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ac3dc64e-cce2-4ef2-b819-b50f832c041a.gif
Well, she's not showing them how to use it.
showing
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0237f1e2-9a48-4880-bc16-0e58ae037724.gif
You gotta show them how to use it. I told you that.
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72203c40-8732-4ce7-81fc-7852a0487c87.gif
It's a blanket. People get it.
blanket
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9f420789-313a-4e41-aaf4-2bf4ae46d8f2.gif
It's a weighted blanket.
blanketweightedweighted-blanket
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a94496b4-9eb7-4dab-8d62-f5057534d910.gif
Right, I forgot that.
forgot
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faa2c068-cd6f-4e2d-9cb2-f5b4cb90ea81.gif
If you lay down like this,
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31a05caa-1419-41d2-aac7-3aac4ebf1aa5.gif
it's a weighted blanket.
blanketweightedweighted-blanket
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67afaa74-5493-4c4d-8c93-4f72750818b1.gif
Give me one.
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b2aff2fb-4a5e-43a3-8c5c-4a9669026eb5.gif
Do you need a hand?
hand
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a6d1fe9e-ed00-402d-90b4-64b779d795f3.gif
Oh my God.
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7f5a52ec-d019-4e87-a4d3-984669b067fe.gif
Jesus!
jesus
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80e2c687-bfd9-4cee-ad6d-3ffa13d2078b.gif
Oh my God. Are you okay?
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509a4d49-75b1-41eb-bf1c-997b28a2fcb9.gif
This is what happens when you give me Nancy Reagan's corpse
corpsehappensnancy
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ffa3c457-0454-46c4-ac3d-0eb5215d3a39.gif
to sell blankets, man.
blanketssell
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d3ba899c-d4e1-4d48-b2db-f6cfd1afc756.gif
- Let me help you up. - You're fine.
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bac215ff-ddb5-4d41-8e13-d0d5e72be4cb.gif
She's not fine.
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1c93f59b-ae58-4241-a72c-a993c0b343e7.gif
- Quit your whining. - Can we get some help over here?
quitwhining
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0721765f-982a-401b-b9d6-065080580df8.gif
- Get her to a medic. - Shut up.
medic
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97bf9f46-e8da-48a2-ae88-68d3d8abdae3.gif
This way.
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dac453fa-0ac2-4e45-9621-c3761d2ef0c9.gif
Kirk, this is a shit show, man.
kirk
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3b85748e-a849-41a1-8439-1cb0f8a5eb3d.gif
I just need more time.
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7ee997e2-b3da-4af7-a75b-1c03f648dcea.gif
I don't think time's the issue.
issuetimes
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f0df57b3-8771-4761-a425-92771edcfa9c.gif
It's your dumb fucking idea.
dumbfuckingidea
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7aa1d966-33df-410e-b487-ddc6be569ff5.gif
That's the problem.
problem
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728b9253-f4d8-4f59-8ba0-3054b10927f9.gif
Shit.
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04a54a36-e96f-45ed-8c21-bad508167ad5.gif
Tom.
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c997f797-af7b-4da7-9762-762104a400c4.gif
I fucked up, man.
fucked
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7675049e-b960-4312-8b27-ea0bf4322018.gif
That's what I've been saying, man.
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e815d634-36f6-4968-a711-fc68fb80c5f8.gif
This is a really, really, really, really, really dumb idea.
dumbidea
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4323d2f6-7a2e-4330-b6f1-6995263b1527.gif
Oh fuck!
fuck
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1f4d4545-ce93-46f6-a075-fc37fed75547.gif
Goddamn it.
goddamngoddamn-it
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3f376615-7c3f-4185-9467-f376d19e51eb.gif
Please help me, man. Please help me.
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d6736bbc-61c5-4efc-aa54-9c8b5e36b116.gif
I thought I had it, man.
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9ff928a5-2e7e-4511-97de-ff7f31f22d8b.gif
I thought I had it. I felt it.
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8c161b5b-239d-4932-a901-b3e000c834b2.gif
iPhones.
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5c2f42df-f9f9-4bdb-9739-684c33b8562e.gif
Uncrustables.
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9d59370a-3958-43ea-bbaa-056850c60b3a.gif
Nut blankets.
blankets
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080b6a29-fdd3-4e38-8780-e57d40010552.gif
The big three.
three
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477384d3-aef5-43ce-a5cc-e424b2e850a9.gif
Did you just compare these to iPhones?
compare
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e06b7d88-145c-4fa2-8776-e823caf7177f.gif
Fuck!
fuck
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5397b978-288e-4126-895b-f2992e2bbd79.gif
This is the worst idea anyone has ever come up with.
ideaworst
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5d9ea977-0da4-4ce9-90f2-f36836599440.gif
It's a really bad idea.
idea
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0f9f819b-ea51-4272-a295-9365a9b4ec13.gif
My entire life savings went into this.
entireentire-lifelifesavings
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c598b66e-6eaa-47a6-97e5-f838e98cfe66.gif
I'm gonna be homeless. I can't be homeless.
homeless
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58f41887-4b58-4700-9773-a21b6e09d80c.gif
I joke about being homeless.
homelessjoke
↓
1ab05247-b510-408e-9ebd-b60000a83f83.gif
"Hey, I'm built for it. I'm always in denim."
builtdenim
↓
135d4c38-7b4a-49ad-9084-8ed9f028e4df.gif
"I need a shower every night."
nightshower
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8c64a8af-f69d-4460-9319-b875981f7d2a.gif
- "I just look dirty. I'm clean." - All right, take a deep breath.
breathcleandeepdeep-breathdirty
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2bbf0410-d75e-497c-b534-ea9e68cc3e61.gif
Just listen.
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c5778959-3502-4533-b6d8-713949643fe7.gif
- We'll figure it out. - How? How?
figure
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cd34d00a-9663-4be8-bf5c-bab9172885de.gif
I'm fucking toast, bro.
fuckingtoast
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c5e7189a-721a-478f-b4a5-49052a7c96cb.gif
I'll reimburse you
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62068734-cb28-4c73-8dc8-895e7e9e3fce.gif
for the 400 fucking thousand dollars you spent.
dollarsfuckingspentthousandthousand-dollars
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07cac777-0e0d-49e6-a235-a81f026ab4a9.gif
Five hundred. I lied.
fivefive-hundredhundredlied
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3d0327ff-ffe7-4d4a-9d52-6f37e6987a23.gif
Okay... I'll reimburse you
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d4e441c8-dfb0-43e3-afb4-9d1800f4a0bf.gif
for the 500 fucking thousand dollars you spent on weighted blankets,
blanketsdollarsfuckingspentthousandthousand-dollarsweightedweighted-blankets
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e6b3cbe7-2992-4d09-85a3-9e6fa343a027.gif
and we'll come up with a payment plan or something, okay?
paymentplan
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2457f940-2453-452c-9b24-53c8a7c33078.gif
You're doing a lot of free shows, by the way.
freeshows
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c051ecaa-f7f5-41de-9e44-26f115fc1ec0.gif
- I love you. - I love you too.
love
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b0c26739-0693-43e3-9f7d-e7e1046f304b.gif
And you are getting rid of these fucking weighted blankets.
blanketsfuckingweightedweighted-blankets
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5224bca0-238e-4d69-b00b-7b1a8860476d.gif
However you wanna do it.
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65004b12-6de5-41c6-916c-970daf9d6a67.gif
- I'll get rid of these. - Yes.
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2b9ac2fc-9f5e-4802-bbed-612cee5e2c47.gif
Just figure something out.
figure
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7d25c64a-9f25-41ee-b3d0-d50e84153453.gif
How's it going?
↓
7152bf9a-e4fa-496d-94fc-f5e5a2a68e87.gif
Oh, hey.
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29788a42-c2d6-48eb-9688-ff0d04c97244.gif
If there's still feedback, like, anywhere else on stage, I'm fine.
feedbackstage
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ffc225ed-ae08-46ef-b45c-8f5e59f09710.gif
But when you're downstage center--
center
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da5cca49-d4b9-43a1-a363-4eea2ae9ff15.gif
You're welcome!
welcome
↓
d0d19f8a-8954-4e5e-b4f3-ff2141c14e4f.gif
You like that?
↓
4fec5e7c-8f7d-40dc-a7dc-9c42987ff591.gif
Get that one. Get it in there.
↓
bf368973-9395-4853-8c51-635d6fcb610c.gif
I'm trying.
↓
ceebccd8-c94a-45b5-ad99-ea349ef6489b.gif
Any nut allergies?
allergies
↓
763e2759-6e1b-4c7e-9cbf-8a40ae1e9ea2.gif
Weighted blankets for all!
blanketsweightedweighted-blankets
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ea3c1c1d-8ee8-44bf-a5de-f4a80f88cf78.gif
Kirk! What the fuck are you doing?
fuckkirk
↓
58cd75e3-c8ff-44f4-9365-68ae34099257.gif
Thank you, Tom.
↓
555c4bc8-957a-4747-aa62-499c4e1113b5.gif
He's fucking lost it.
fuckinglost
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38ff6a78-49e9-4f9c-91b1-9e9b400b2b00.gif
Kirk Fox. Tell your friends.
friendskirk
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be0b9649-e9e7-4b53-a448-e95c5a6e9048.gif
paying the man $500,000.
paying
↓
ae84d6ab-e077-4cbf-acb7-0ba5fd2f1e23.gif
Maybe he'll be okay.
↓
7e735100-9e9a-4937-a681-4333237f6fab.gif
I don't think so.
↓
c6d7c64d-1fc6-466e-bfbc-116617b79c03.gif
I don't know. Can we put something else on?
↓
ebf7f88f-73b4-4537-aac8-ae1925541722.gif
- God. - I miss our dog.
miss
↓
061da5c5-74c6-4c96-b8f4-ad043e633b52.gif
Do you think that we could love our baby as much as we love our dog?
babylove
↓
b51d71b1-39af-4853-85c2-9f0032cefd3d.gif
- That's a good question. - No way, right?
question
↓
1bb12f4c-12a0-47e7-894c-861c6690440c.gif
- You know how cute it is when he-- - All right, you two. We're ready.
cuteready
↓
a192dd5c-c3db-4646-93d3-7687ef0ad856.gif
So, Christina, Mary here will show you to the room for egg retrieval.
maryretrievalroom
↓
2d375ce9-2260-47f4-978f-30f43f38754d.gif
- And, Tom, follow me. - Okay.
follow
↓
1a8ac4b8-f3f7-46b8-86c2-86413204211b.gif
- All right, Tom, here's your room. - It's okay, I'm okay.
room
↓
f69cd394-2d96-4da7-b381-b75a3c3f68c4.gif
Hey, I love you. Have fun jerking off into a cup.
funjerkinglove
↓
8e3a477f-b54d-41ca-a450-ce627a038a2f.gif
Get in there.
↓
ee8e57b4-1842-40cc-a397-98efd490d04a.gif
So we got everything you need.
↓
3269d7a8-1633-40d4-92ee-17132064a6a7.gif
Uh, TV, remote, lots of selections, magazines...
lotsmagazinesremoteselections
↓
b2af8b9a-db1b-47e7-a36d-bcd0dbd7439b.gif
So how long does it take most people?
↓
519f213e-d393-403b-8860-f65d7144426b.gif
Oh. Just, uh, take your time. But not too much time.
↓
dd0ff05b-6f6a-4112-9a2e-0669e3cd55a9.gif
We need the sample within the hour to prepare it for fertilization.
hourpreparesample
↓
4e7d19e0-2d83-49ef-8cb2-f9219010226e.gif
Right.
↓
d23ff7e1-6708-41bd-a455-bc89914ba1c5.gif
I'll try to be quick. Is there lube or anything?
lubequick
↓
cd4f1c34-6612-4f00-8366-709b72aabc81.gif
Well, lube has compounds that affect sperm mobility.
affectlubesperm
↓
236006a6-172b-415b-96f9-cfedfa01dd5c.gif
- So... ...yeah. - Oh, right.
↓
e10689f9-22d8-4c07-aa0f-09b1aefa2dc9.gif
Are you staying?
staying
↓
563bccfc-e199-40f4-ac5b-c2ebfd36999d.gif
Oh, no.
↓
fa3d2add-eeb2-4d3d-b319-d45331d1715e.gif
I was-- I was kidding.
kidding
↓
2b298785-08f0-4f61-84f8-1f787b90c8c2.gif
- Oh. - I was-- I was joking.
joking
↓
41e93d59-9d84-43f9-b359-01a6810ac8db.gif
Um, just press the button when you're done.
buttonpress
↓
3543d675-3d10-4789-acc6-b0efda82b151.gif
Okay.
↓
baf9fea0-9bad-4c1e-9f5e-94e10612127a.gif
Gross.
gross
↓
892b762b-63a6-4cca-b2ab-1a9a470da1a5.gif
Nope. No.
nope
↓
13974dcd-ade5-404d-a693-b4b2950b890b.gif
No.
↓
23485668-c3e1-4faf-acb7-9adbf94a71b6.gif
So much acne. How am I gonna come to this?
acne
↓
5260f7e8-c842-458d-9ce9-725a75cb1a6a.gif
- Excuse me? - Hm?
excuse
↓
ff23fe26-24f3-4e87-a5fe-9d3d3eb213e0.gif
Um, are there any other, like, options?
options
↓
32ac80db-1262-4054-bcfb-286bd0498d7d.gif
Oh, there's gay stuff in there.
stuff
↓
76a4af55-2c1c-47da-8511-5eff31a67f98.gif
No, I meant, uh... I'm, I'm looking for better quality,
lookingmeantquality
↓
e2caa2f0-1aa4-47ec-a852-3b537e21aecf.gif
production, stories, you know, hotter people.
hotterproductionstories
↓
df222702-956d-4114-aed1-a9dfecd6d77f.gif
No.
↓
160cac39-ab0b-40f3-88d5-d50178e4829c.gif
Okay. Sorry about that.
↓
9aa96ba7-372d-476a-8ce7-03683ecfff26.gif
Oh, fuck me!
fuck
↓
0aebe99d-1fbd-4532-b255-adeea34e1f05.gif
Yeah.
↓
fff5b94c-fb27-42f7-8b65-86dd74a64137.gif
Lick his balls. That's good.
ballslick
↓
a7301d1f-703b-4826-b226-e80ee5a24718.gif
- Oh, yeah. - Oh my God. So much hair.
hair
↓
7f649b22-547f-48f1-98f4-faa2c8d9b9b5.gif
Fuck, I bet it stinks.
fuckstinks
↓
675043e2-b172-4ccf-b18d-37c8fe51b8c9.gif
Yeah. Stinky little bitch.
bitchstinky
↓
065c49f0-49c9-4523-a129-41c30358b01d.gif
Yeah, you didn't go to high school, did you?
school
↓
01650293-5fbe-42e4-bb5c-4b00eddeb82b.gif
Get in there.
↓
fd03ffc7-f47b-41c1-b62c-d0e8e93d3bc6.gif
Here we go!
↓
adf0774f-3f05-404a-bc42-61840ccc2dd7.gif
Hi, Tommy.
tommy
↓
a5f15829-1b26-45c7-8920-8045ef6b8ae6.gif
No! Mom!
↓
c3d6c264-82ef-47ab-a7f6-e4b0e8e07925.gif
- Fuck! Mom! - Tommy?
fucktommy
↓
8e5b04bf-3fd5-4ee7-ac86-60f83d47316e.gif
- What are you doing? - Hey!
↓
31802d85-a59e-40b8-bfae-1b3441c34d1a.gif
Oh my gosh, Tommy, what is that? That is disgusting.
disgustinggoshtommy
↓
5f208120-5547-41e7-a146-e4bd3155b215.gif
I didn't wanna answer the phone.
answerphone
↓
fb055987-c954-49da-b1f6-b18cfb406a14.gif
Are you crazy? There is no chance you're showing--
chancecrazyshowing
↓
1b9e71cb-26a1-42ca-bd81-9e21b64a3193.gif
I was-- I'm at a fertility clinic. I'm not just having an afternoon jerk.
afternoonclinicfertilityhavingjerk
↓
f075c04d-3914-4b58-90db-449f42909d7e.gif
This is for a reason. I'm hoping to give you a grandson.
grandsonhopingreason
↓
57ed9b81-e795-47c5-931f-674a734879b2.gif
- I saw your face, Tommy... - Please hang up.
facehangtommy
↓
3152d7af-ddf9-4a23-a7f2-957362264d01.gif
I saw your face too. Worst moment of my entire life.
entireentire-lifefacelifemomentworst
↓
12de8ee3-ff9d-47cd-8652-a22c20b009c9.gif
Can you hang up now?
hang
↓
9ad3135a-ec0b-44b8-b639-28bb48a2d6c5.gif
Who will do that in the middle of the day?
middle
↓
836b54c3-b018-4e76-b2dd-0e2bf1d4e099.gif
I keep trying to fucking hit it, but my-- the-- my semen's on the phone.
fuckingphone
↓
4775a875-ea86-4eb9-8bb4-4d5d9998c6eb.gif
What?
↓
ebfb13c7-629c-4cfa-bf12-175e022ce6ec.gif
You've ruined this whole thing, okay?
ruinedwhole
↓
58dc189b-5306-429a-a8fb-baa06291f61f.gif
Yeah, I gotta fucking go. Please hang up now.
fuckinghang
↓
616d48e6-87b4-4a6d-a42c-4a7fbad9da3c.gif
- You are not my son! - Fuck, Mom!
fuck
↓
2d8bbb3d-70d4-4213-a3c1-d6d90a1a3023.gif
- Oh my gosh! - No! 'Cause I-- I didn't...
gosh
↓
0c65418e-b1ff-435f-b5ad-469054f9dbe0.gif
- You are not my son! - Fuck!
fuck
↓
68ee9be6-8ed9-4f10-9525-7d888acb56a3.gif
You are not my son!
↓
f7188a87-8f08-45cc-987c-1e0c8390b409.gif
I'll take it.
↓
271eecb1-f9de-446f-a4eb-5ae4868f0e03.gif
Okay? It's okay.
↓
8724dded-eed9-4602-8b9a-86cd15662247.gif
It's okay. Thanks.
thanks
↓
8afa3f16-1157-4d22-874b-4c13fab4f4d4.gif
Thank you.
↓
448d1d47-5709-47ea-bd36-2259d183867c.gif
Congratulations, Dad.
congratulations
↓
261ec7ef-74bb-4949-9a29-5062d2e4e972.gif
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
thanks
↓
5211358f-7759-4b6d-9da5-cd0c3ca34aaa.gif
- Wait, wait, wait. - Mm.
↓
febb21b1-5d13-4abd-bae2-6904496d1d66.gif
I'm gonna need that back, actually.
↓
96c7840a-c212-4501-98a8-f22d16b812b0.gif
I-I'm sorry?
↓
d90bc4b8-e217-4437-b904-55987c88d503.gif
- It's not a good batch. - Oh, is it contaminated?
batchcontaminated
↓
f2974a7f-5236-496a-8a8d-c9681087e497.gif
Well, yes. I mean, not in the way that you told me it might be, but yes.
might
↓
e0081bb7-70de-4525-b922-573c455c88bb.gif
Well, how is it contaminated?
contaminated
↓
4bed9675-40d9-4067-92b5-1434dddcefe8.gif
Well, when I was doing what I was doing in there, at the critical moment,
criticalmoment
↓
2d1432ed-8fe5-4f60-8572-7b5abad3b57b.gif
my mom called,
called
↓
39ef0347-5fea-4ac5-95d9-4f0f56cc7df0.gif
and I saw her face as I was making the deposit.
depositface
↓
b30ea00c-ed3c-4b35-9e4f-36b5b90e82ac.gif
Oh, sir. That's not how biology works.
biologyworks
↓
64492d8c-a351-4699-a1fb-d823d8f836fe.gif
Yeah, but no, no, no. I know.
↓
f07268ee-540b-400d-b7c6-00f4326d546f.gif
But here's the thing. There's bad energy in there, okay?
energy
↓
d4a9405d-f812-4da9-8b77-bdfd6551a191.gif
I don't even wanna meet the person that that becomes.
becomesmeetperson
↓
91277c1d-0039-46bf-8193-42055b78c567.gif
So I would like it back.
↓
cea2ee06-955f-4cb9-8173-c8ed8c2f62ed.gif
Okay, that's ridiculous.
ridiculous
↓
4bda9333-7642-4886-90cb-e22e20719f31.gif
And we don't have time for this.
↓
de1b06b3-0335-4a9c-9e24-0f7f80b30d68.gif
It belongs to me, and I would like it back now.
belongs
↓
b6d74735-245b-43bc-8336-071a235bd722.gif
So give it back to me.
↓
4b0b5a63-bda6-4912-93d7-dd3ec9154de5.gif
Sir, this is a medical sample.
medicalsample
↓
63c97e75-3148-41e5-bf12-ccf98b627c17.gif
It came from my body.
body
↓
daa0aca5-ab24-44a9-bbbe-5954c4d12bac.gif
Well, your wife is ovulating right now, so it is a medical sample.
medicalsamplewife
↓
321f47a6-fd6e-413a-bb91-659b64578425.gif
- You're a semen demon. - What?!
demonsemen
↓
ec69ab54-a347-40c9-9a71-925126caf0e5.gif
You realize that I came looking at my mother?
lookingmotherrealize
↓
ba7cb5c8-4ea9-41ea-aaad-f37b991753f7.gif
Well, she must be a pretty lady.
ladymust
↓
d5f08b2c-79d8-4f38-849a-a16c3c626678.gif
Gross! I want it back.
gross
↓
3e0bb967-d114-452b-8c2e-2771ef9f5a96.gif
- No! No, no! What are you doing? - Yes.
↓
3a3ba7c4-3378-456e-9631-63e96029c947.gif
No! No! No, no, no, no, no, no.
↓
4be1f469-8d37-4f33-b26d-5210e0456794.gif
- Hey! Wh-- - Sorry.
↓
c55ce926-cd16-47dc-9559-a6d34e571f8a.gif
She stole my cum.
stole
↓
7bcef872-1fbf-4996-880f-49d6e660c774.gif
- She stole my cum cup. - Are you crazy, man?
crazystole
↓
bedb6a0a-04c1-4bc2-ba4d-9a3508daded7.gif
- No! No! - Get back here!
↓
cc3f2401-36a0-4ee3-83e2-3ad2b1df79c5.gif
- That's my semen! - Nope!
nopesemen
↓
32f6f4f9-5b8b-45e8-8188-48bc8728d407.gif
Help! Security!
security
↓
395b03ff-c4c5-4a48-a1c3-1735e1072e91.gif
My God!
↓
50f49bbe-c300-4d0f-abbf-38b9c85b7959.gif
Somebody stop her! Stop her!
somebody
↓
16d99dcb-c71e-47da-99f2-3e37a17160d0.gif
Help!
↓
56fefc0f-890e-4715-9ee3-386ad7de3b13.gif
Sir, you can't be in here.
↓
b4adf07a-e811-4f83-93b7-852d9c0879ca.gif
Give me back my cum!
↓
a0e22702-8652-466d-bbec-5f92f1e5f6cf.gif
Hey! Come back! Come back here!
↓
be9f9ff9-a326-4d92-97fa-fd62a48cd76b.gif
Oh shit.
↓
502f74bf-b776-4e66-9d92-0d58946cbbaf.gif
Let go.
↓
3304c844-cd0e-4311-952f-9d8b86443c06.gif
- Give me that semen. - No! No! Give it to me!
semen
↓
89287f01-7076-4fa5-ae20-a47a82811d1f.gif
- Asshole! - Give me that!
asshole
↓
311948fe-8fd2-4637-b598-e13f2a2b7d19.gif
Shit.
↓
a36a5840-41e8-48d9-859c-8ee59cb2ebc7.gif
Uh-uh.
↓
923123d5-18b3-4805-899d-ead35dcee0c8.gif
No, no, no!
↓
1cf6a795-f013-4112-88bc-1c2da44d8db8.gif
Fuck.
fuck
↓
224681fa-dd3f-4a89-9c6a-3623ed3e8427.gif
- Is everything okay? - Oh, uh...
↓
beb20cfa-c5dd-4185-bcaa-2c83916d38fd.gif
I'm so sorry.
↓
c6877f30-f903-4369-94da-b28e373d0057.gif
There was a small hiccup,
hiccup
↓
78d78aa7-2463-497d-b126-c5008494befe.gif
but we got everything, and we're good to go.
↓
26eed1da-8645-46a9-940a-9688fefa23d5.gif
Goddamn it.
goddamngoddamn-it
↓
cc439e9e-836a-4fef-bb75-cc7b6121a5d1.gif
Tom?
↓
b35b13c8-a77f-42f5-a576-e24e7772dfa3.gif
I win.
↓
e827545b-1fb7-460a-a3c0-58344dda0e4d.gif
Tom, what the fuck?
fuck
↓
b2179286-56f6-4c53-a8df-b236fcf62b44.gif
Ugh.
↓
ad23e2e1-09e4-4680-94c0-716d337ba752.gif
You don't like this?
↓
a35a726e-23a7-47d0-90b6-6571aaf0165d.gif
Dude. Well, I guess we're dog people now.