Home » Bad Thoughts » S02E04 — Bad Influences

Bad Thoughts

Season 2, Episode 4 — Bad Influences

- First team's walking. - Copy that.

#1

⇓

Tom, hey.

#2

⇓

- Hey. - How you doing?

#3

⇓

- Good. - Find the place okay?

#4

⇓

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of a maze, but yeah.

#5

⇓

Yeah, they don't make it easy.

#6

⇓

- Such a big fan of your work. - Oh, thanks, man.

#7

⇓

You still do stand-up?

#8

⇓

- Yeah. - Really?

#9

⇓

Tom!

#10

⇓

- Hey. Hi. - There he is.

#11

⇓

- Oh, come here. It's so good to see you. - Oh! All right.

#12

⇓

You feeling all right? Ready to go?

#13

⇓

- Yeah, I think so. Yeah. - Okay.

#14

⇓

I am so sorry about the last-minute schedule changes.

#15

⇓

I know it's a lot to start with the sex scene.

#16

⇓

They're always a little weird, but you've done it before, so...

#17

⇓

I haven't. This is, uh, this is my first one.

#18

⇓

- Really? - Yeah.

#19

⇓

- Tom. - This is Celeste.

#20

⇓

- Oh, wow. So nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.

#21

⇓

- This is Tom's first ever sex scene. - Oh!

#22

⇓

- Barbara just landed. - Oh, fantastic.

#23

⇓

Well, you know,

#24

⇓

you don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with.

#25

⇓

Oh, I'm down for anything.

#26

⇓

I just wanna make sure that you're comfortable.

#27

⇓

Uh, excuse me.

#28

⇓

Everybody, if I could have your attention before we get started on rehearsal.

#29

⇓

I'd like to introduce our intimacy coordinator, Barbara.

#30

⇓

Who's ready to bring this picture to life?

#31

⇓

Tom, this is Barbara.

#32

⇓

She's here to make sure that everybody feels safe and comfortable.

#33

⇓

- Ready for first scene. - Rehearsal's up.

#34

⇓

Everyone, rehearsal's up.

#35

⇓

I just wanted to say, uh, I'm grateful you're here.

#36

⇓

I've never done a scene like this, so just, thank you.

#37

⇓

Where did you train?

#38

⇓

Uh, not like a professional, you know, school or anything like that,

#39

⇓

but I come from stand-up comedy and I--

#40

⇓

Oh, oh.

#41

⇓

A lot of perverts in your industry.

#42

⇓

- Mm-hmm. - Uh, there's a few bad eggs, yeah.

#43

⇓

I don't know you at all.

#44

⇓

I don't trust you, and I go by my gut.

#45

⇓

I feel like you're coming at me like I've done something wrong.

#46

⇓

Yeah. Well, there's absolutely no funny business on my set.

#47

⇓

I got my eyes on you, okay?

#48

⇓

Okay.

#49

⇓

Guys!

#50

⇓

...me up? Okay.

#51

⇓

- Here we go. - Settle in.

#52

⇓

- Rehearsal's up. - Everybody, let's clear.

#53

⇓

Ready, and action.

#54

⇓

Goddamn it.

#55

⇓

I am such a fool.

#56

⇓

Why did we even come to the Amalfi Coast?

#57

⇓

There was never any treasure here.

#58

⇓

Vera, the only treasure I need is right in front of me.

#59

⇓

And it says we kiss?

#60

⇓

Stop!

#61

⇓

Stop!

#62

⇓

- Michael? - No, I'm sorry, I-I--

#63

⇓

This is a symphony.

#64

⇓

It is harmonies, rhythms, fortes, pianissimos,

#65

⇓

and I am the conductor.

#66

⇓

I-I asked-- I asked if I should kiss. I didn't do anything.

#67

⇓

You know what? Why don't we...

#68

⇓

- Let's move to the next part of the scene. - Uh-huh.

#69

⇓

The bed. Go to the bed scene?

#70

⇓

- Bed scene's up. - Yeah.

#71

⇓

Look, do you think we can get a different intimacy coordinator?

#72

⇓

A different...?

#73

⇓

Tom, she's the best in the world.

#74

⇓

No one makes actors feel more comfortable.

#75

⇓

All right, now, it's really romantic.

#76

⇓

It's sweet, it's sensual.

#77

⇓

So you're making out.

#78

⇓

- Now? - Action.

#79

⇓

- I'll take care of it. - Thank you.

#80

⇓

- Ow! - What the fuck?

#81

⇓

Kiss her. Kiss her.

#82

⇓

Are you sure? I just got, uh, some mixed signals from you today.

#83

⇓

Kiss her. Kiss her.

#84

⇓

- Just... mouth on mouth. - Unexpected. Okay, okay.

#85

⇓

Yeah.

#86

⇓

- Uh, Mike? - Yeah.

#87

⇓

It-- it says in the script that I... I grab her bosom?

#88

⇓

Yeah.

#89

⇓

I don't wanna do that.

#90

⇓

Tom... Tom, it's okay.

#91

⇓

- Hit those titties. - Just grab 'em.

#92

⇓

Just grab 'em. It's okay.

#93

⇓

Come on, Tom. Get in there.

#94

⇓

- Jesus, Tom, go. - You're so close.

#95

⇓

That's my shoulder.

#96

⇓

- Yeah. - Tommy, what's up?

#97

⇓

I mean, you know, tits, who's into those now?

#98

⇓

- You need me to step in? - Please.

#99

⇓

I'll play with her tits. Suck on her tits.

#100

⇓

Then I'll smack 'em around.

#101

⇓

Move over. Get over.

#102

⇓

- You want me to roll this way? - No, this is it.

#103

⇓

- Okay. - I'll just get in there. Tom, straddle me.

#104

⇓

- I straddle you from here? - Mm-hmm.

#105

⇓

Do you think you can not get aroused? Be a professional? Be a man?

#106

⇓

This is how we did Brokeback, Heated Rivalry.

#107

⇓

If you'd ever had any kind of formal training,

#108

⇓

you'd know about this.

#109

⇓

- And now, I reach my hands up. - Yeah.

#110

⇓

- Bring your mouth to my mouth. - Yeah.

#111

⇓

- But she's in between us? Okay. - Mm-hmm.

#112

⇓

- Oh, this is perfect. - Barbara, that's brilliant. Yes.

#113

⇓

What do you think if Vera were to be on top?

#114

⇓

- Yes! - That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

#115

⇓

Okay.

#116

⇓

Okay, Tom, lay it down. Lay it down right here.

#117

⇓

- So then if I'm... here. Okay? - Mm-hmm.

#118

⇓

- I can't talk like this. - That's great.

#119

⇓

You're just gonna sit on my face?

#120

⇓

Okay, I have his hands. Don't worry.

#121

⇓

Tom, no funny business.

#122

⇓

Now once Vera is up here and mounted, and then I throw my hair back...

#123

⇓

Celeste, just like that.

#124

⇓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's like you're carrying the scene.

#125

⇓

Everything goes to you.

#126

⇓

Oh!

#127

⇓

- Oh my God. - I couldn't breathe under there.

#128

⇓

- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh my--

#129

⇓

That was a little rough, Tom.

#130

⇓

I just think I could make it a little more...

#131

⇓

...it played like I-- I have to...

#132

⇓

We have to start shooting. We've been rehearsing all day. It's crazy.

#133

⇓

Could you do, like, an earwig?

#134

⇓

Earwig? Yeah.

#135

⇓

- Yes. Yeah. - Yes.

#136

⇓

- That's fine. - Okay, everybody, picture's up.

#137

⇓

We're gonna shoot.

#138

⇓

Tom, um, we're just gonna jump right to the sex scene, okay?

#139

⇓

- We haven't rehearsed that yet. - I know.

#140

⇓

Um, we're gonna give you an earpiece,

#141

⇓

and then Barbara is just, she's gonna walk you through the whole thing.

#142

⇓

Trust me. She does this in all the big movies. Think of it as a...

#143

⇓

Think of it as a rite of passage.

#144

⇓

Okay.

#145

⇓

We're rolling. Quiet!

#146

⇓

We'll do that tomorrow, okay? All right, um...

#147

⇓

The earpiece is weird.

#148

⇓

Yeah.

#149

⇓

All right, here we go.

#150

⇓

Are you good?

#151

⇓

Yeah. You're really sweaty. He's, like, so sweaty.

#152

⇓

Can we get a thing there? Yeah.

#153

⇓

- All right, Tom? - Sorry.

#154

⇓

- It's okay. - You're in love, and you say...?

#155

⇓

Um...

#156

⇓

"Promise me this is real." Okay, you got this.

#157

⇓

"Promise"-- Yeah. "Promise... this is real."

#158

⇓

Fucking kill me. No more comedians.

#159

⇓

Okay, this is for you, Cosby.

#160

⇓

Listen up.

#161

⇓

Don't even think about getting hard. Do not get hard.

#162

⇓

You fucking pervert. I've seen the way you look at her.

#163

⇓

- You understand me, pedo? - Let's roll camera.

#164

⇓

Rolling!

#165

⇓

Amalfi Coast, scene 24, take one.

#166

⇓

Oh, you just want to dig it in.

#167

⇓

She is not one of your whores.

#168

⇓

She's not a victim like that. And I'm not a victim.

#169

⇓

We are not your victims, Tom.

#170

⇓

- What are you talking about? - Tom, keep it together. Come on.

#171

⇓

- Stop saying that shit. - I know your type.

#172

⇓

"I'm a sensitive guy. I had a single mother."

#173

⇓

- "I know what women's lives are like." - Are you okay?

#174

⇓

- Yeah. - Oh, remember Mommy?

#175

⇓

No, you don't. Because she wasn't ever home.

#176

⇓

Mommy didn't come home because Mommy didn't love you.

#177

⇓

Whoops!

#178

⇓

You disgust me.

#179

⇓

You make me ill.

#180

⇓

Clown, comedy.

#181

⇓

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

#182

⇓

It's all a mask for the monster within.

#183

⇓

Action!

#184

⇓

Tonight's five nominees transported us

#185

⇓

with their spellbinding and often surprising performances.

#186

⇓

And the award for Best Actor in a Major Motion Picture goes to...

#187

⇓

Tom Segura.

#188

⇓

Promise me this is real.

#189

⇓

I know it is.

#190

⇓

I'm scared.

#191

⇓

I'm scared.

#192

⇓

I'm so scared.

#193

⇓

I'm so scared.

#194

⇓

Unfortunately,

#195

⇓

Tom tragically took his life the day the film completed production.

#196

⇓

But I'm certain he would want this award to go to his intimacy coordinator, Bar--

#197

⇓

There you go.

#198

⇓

What the fuck?

#199

⇓

What?

#200

⇓

Fuck!

#201

⇓

Fuck, man! Why'd you shoot him?

#202

⇓

- You gave me the signal. - No, I didn't.

#203

⇓

- You did your head like this. - That's not the signal.

#204

⇓

I thought that was the signal.

#205

⇓

That was a nod, you know?

#206

⇓

Like, "Hey, hey, what's up, dawg?"

#207

⇓

You know? "Hello."

#208

⇓

I thought that was, you know, like the signal.

#209

⇓

Man, no! I would've gave you a clear fucking signal.

#210

⇓

Like what?

#211

⇓

Like the signal, man. The fucking...

#212

⇓

That's really close to the last one.

#213

⇓

Fuck no, it isn't.

#214

⇓

They're both head... things.

#215

⇓

No, that's-- that's fucking "hello" without saying hello.

#216

⇓

This...

#217

⇓

This...

#218

⇓

Hey, look at me, look at me.

#219

⇓

That's the signal.

#220

⇓

They're very close.

#221

⇓

What are you talking about? They're different!

#222

⇓

Fuck, man, you killed my cousin.

#223

⇓

That's a 22-year-old Mexican kid, man.

#224

⇓

Does that look like the Russian Butcher to you?

#225

⇓

- What's the Butcher look like? - He looks like a Russian butcher.

#226

⇓

I'll tell you what he doesn't look like.

#227

⇓

He doesn't look like my little cousin Juanito,

#228

⇓

aka Flaco, aka Moco,

#229

⇓

aka Chino from Irvine.

#230

⇓

- He's got all those nicknames? - Yeah, man.

#231

⇓

And lately, we started calling him Little Buff Guy.

#232

⇓

He started working out and shit. He's all into it.

#233

⇓

- I can see. - Fuck, Tony. You fucked up, man.

#234

⇓

Fuck, man. Fuck!

#235

⇓

- Why don't we work on signals? - What?

#236

⇓

Yeah, so this doesn't happen again.

#237

⇓

Tony, what the fuck are you talking about, man?

#238

⇓

All right, we need a clear signal.

#239

⇓

- What's that? You're clearing your throat. - But if we know that it means something...

#240

⇓

Well, what if you have to clear your throat in real life?

#241

⇓

All right, how about, uh...

#242

⇓

Uh...

#243

⇓

That's a good signal.

#244

⇓

Point my finger?

#245

⇓

It's clear.

#246

⇓

"Shoot him."

#247

⇓

You got another one?

#248

⇓

Yeah, how about I just go like this? Hey...

#249

⇓

- That works. - Yeah? That's not a fucking signal!

#250

⇓

Tony, that's a full gesture!

#251

⇓

This ain't The Price is Right. I ain't Vanna White.

#252

⇓

Wheel of Fortune.

#253

⇓

- What? - Vanna White's Wheel of Fortune.

#254

⇓

I'm just saying.

#255

⇓

Look, I'm sorry.

#256

⇓

Your cousin, I'm sorry I killed him.

#257

⇓

I feel really embarrassed right now.

#258

⇓

Fuck. You fucked up, man.

#259

⇓

You fucked up bad.

#260

⇓

This is my fucking family.

#261

⇓

Fuck, man. Should be fun to tell his mom, huh?

#262

⇓

"Hey, Tía, I picked up Flaco from the airport."

#263

⇓

"We came downtown,

#264

⇓

and then my colleague shot him in the head when I just said, 'What's up?'"

#265

⇓

You didn't say, "What's up." All right? You gave me a signal.

#266

⇓

And I want you to know something.

#267

⇓

You're making me feel real bad about it.

#268

⇓

Fuck! Well, this should be fun.

#269

⇓

She's calling. Fuck am I gonna tell her?

#270

⇓

Thank you, asshole.

#271

⇓

- Tell her I'm sorry. - Hey, hey, Tía.

#272

⇓

Uh, no, no, Moco's having a blast.

#273

⇓

I mean, uh, uh, he's having fun.

#274

⇓

No, no, he's just not answering 'cause, uh, he's getting a massage.

#275

⇓

I'm waiting here in the lobby.

#276

⇓

They got a really nice lobby.

#277

⇓

He's in a deep, like, trance. He might not even call you until tomorrow.

#278

⇓

He's having so much fun.

#279

⇓

No, he can't talk right now because there's an Asian lady on top of him.

#280

⇓

- It smells like eucalyptus. - Privet.

#281

⇓

You know, eucalyptus?

#282

⇓

It seems as though people in this city believe you are looking for me.

#283

⇓

- Yeah, I'm not sure... - Who are you?

#284

⇓

I prefer to ask the questions myself.

#285

⇓

- ...scrub him, and... - Okay.

#286

⇓

You know, bathe him, and...

#287

⇓

Shoot him!

#288

⇓

You know him?

#289

⇓

That's my cousin.

#290

⇓

This dumb motherfucker thought it was you.

#291

⇓

He's Meksikanskiy.

#292

⇓

- Yeah? - You ready?

#293

⇓

Wait, let me give you the nod first.

#294

⇓

Yeah, that's what's up. See? Yeah. Yeah, you get it.

#295

⇓

Okay, ready?

#296

⇓

It's a clear difference between the nod--

#297

⇓

She's here!

#298

⇓

Phil, she's here!

#299

⇓

All right, all right!

#300

⇓

There she is.

#301

⇓

- Oh gosh, sweetie, welcome home. - Hi.

#302

⇓

Hi, Mom.

#303

⇓

Hi, honey.

#304

⇓

- Hi, Dad. - Darling, how are you?

#305

⇓

God, my hair.

#306

⇓

Almost drowned out there. It's fucking raining.

#307

⇓

Oh, you look great.

#308

⇓

Mom, I see you decided to cut your hair.

#309

⇓

Oh, do you like it?

#310

⇓

Uh, yeah. Totally works for you, I guess.

#311

⇓

- Thank you. - We missed you so much.

#312

⇓

God, I was gone like eight months.

#313

⇓

I swear, you guys are, like, so attached.

#314

⇓

It's crazy.

#315

⇓

Uh, honey, what's that?

#316

⇓

It's a tattoo of a heart, and it has the word "home" in it.

#317

⇓

I'm sorry, but you know how we feel about tattoos.

#318

⇓

You've only got one body.

#319

⇓

Oh, wow. So now you have a say in my body?

#320

⇓

Why don't you tell me what brand of tampon I'm allowed to use, Dad?

#321

⇓

So gross.

#322

⇓

Patriarchy much?

#323

⇓

I just got it to remind myself where I come from or whatever.

#324

⇓

I love you guys.

#325

⇓

- Aw, sweetie, that's so nice. - Yeah.

#326

⇓

Yeah, no shit. I'm super thoughtful.

#327

⇓

So, how was the study abroad program?

#328

⇓

- Do you speak French now? - Oh, right!

#329

⇓

Uh, oui.

#330

⇓

It was amazing. So fucking cool.

#331

⇓

I'm gonna think about what I wanna do with my major, you know?

#332

⇓

Probably gonna switch it up.

#333

⇓

Maybe, like, art or, like, math or, like, the trumpet.

#334

⇓

I don't know. I'm just evolving so fast right now, it's crazy.

#335

⇓

- We are so proud of you. - I know. Anyway, I got you guys something.

#336

⇓

It's, like, whatever,

#337

⇓

but I figured I'd get you something 'cause you paid for my fucking trip.

#338

⇓

Fuck. Where the fuck are these fucking things?

#339

⇓

Oh.

#340

⇓

Caitlyn?

#341

⇓

Oh my God, what now?

#342

⇓

What is that?

#343

⇓

You're so uncultured. It's the Eiffel Tower from Paris.

#344

⇓

Ugh.

#345

⇓

No, on your back.

#346

⇓

On your lower back. Is that... Hitler?

#347

⇓

Uh, yeah, obviously. What's the fucking problem?

#348

⇓

It's Hitler.

#349

⇓

Oh my God.

#350

⇓

What do you specifically see?

#351

⇓

I cannot believe how fucking stupid these two are.

#352

⇓

Oh my God.

#353

⇓

He's smiling.

#354

⇓

Exactly, thank you. Somebody has fucking eyes now, I guess.

#355

⇓

"Exactly" what?

#356

⇓

He's happy here.

#357

⇓

On your back?

#358

⇓

It's just showing him in good spirits.

#359

⇓

Sweetie... ...if Hitler's in good spirits,

#360

⇓

it probably means he just did something horrifically awful.

#361

⇓

Describe his smile.

#362

⇓

It's gross.

#363

⇓

No, be objective.

#364

⇓

Is it bad?

#365

⇓

Is it a bad smile, Dad?

#366

⇓

It's good?

#367

⇓

It's a great smile.

#368

⇓

Oh my God.

#369

⇓

Admit it.

#370

⇓

Okay. All right, fine.

#371

⇓

Hitler has a great smile. Is that what you want me to say?

#372

⇓

- That Hitler has a great smile? - He's mogging.

#373

⇓

- But, honey-- - He's like a low-tier Chad, Dad.

#374

⇓

You understand that he is an awful person, right?

#375

⇓

- That's like the whole fucking point, Dad. - Okay, good. Great.

#376

⇓

Wait, what?

#377

⇓

Oh my God. You guys are so fucking cringe.

#378

⇓

- You watch your mouth. - I'm not cringe.

#379

⇓

All I'm saying is that I got this tattoo

#380

⇓

to remind me to be careful in the real world, okay?

#381

⇓

Like, I look at it every single day,

#382

⇓

and I remember that just because somebody has a nice smile,

#383

⇓

it doesn't mean that they're a nice person.

#384

⇓

Like, the Führer was, like...

#385

⇓

he was kind of a dick.

#386

⇓

Oh no, the power went out.

#387

⇓

I guess I'll fix it. I mean, obviously.

#388

⇓

God, I have to do everything around here. These two are so fucking helpless.

#389

⇓

They'd just live in the dark if I wasn't here. Jesus Christ.

#390

⇓

What?

#391

⇓

It's glow-in-the-dark ink.

#392

⇓

It's super cutting-edge.

#393

⇓

Barely anybody has it, except for Rachel Sennott or whatever.

#394

⇓

Why the Twin Towers?

#395

⇓

Uh, really, Mom? 9/11?

#396

⇓

Ever heard of it? This one's super easy.

#397

⇓

Never forget what Hitler did, even though he had an amazing smile.

#398

⇓

Don't judge a book by its cover.

#399

⇓

Did Hitler just wink?

#400

⇓

It's animated ink.

#401

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Jesus, open your ears. I mean, this one moves too.

#402

⇓

Oh my God.

#403

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Sweetie, please tell me that's not R. Kelly.

#404

⇓

Okay, I won't.

#405

⇓

- Why would you have--? - R. Kelly is another reminder.

#406

⇓

Of what?

#407

⇓

To drink water.

#408

⇓

So that I pee.

#409

⇓

Oh my God.

#410

⇓

Why do you need a tattoo of R. Kelly to remind you to pee?

#411

⇓

'Cause he's like the pee guy or whatever.

#412

⇓

Why is he licking his lips?

#413

⇓

Because his mouth is dry.

#414

⇓

No wonder I'm gonna be the first one to graduate college in this family.

#415

⇓

You know what? This has gone far enough. That's it.

#416

⇓

- You're getting them removed. - Mm-hmm.

#417

⇓

Wow.

#418

⇓

Wow.

#419

⇓

I knew you'd be close-minded.

#420

⇓

Andre said you'd freak out.

#421

⇓

Who is Andre?

#422

⇓

My tattoo artist.

#423

⇓

And my boyfriend.

#424

⇓

Boyfriend?

#425

⇓

But you came out as a lesbian at Thanksgiving.

#426

⇓

Okay, I came out as bi.

#427

⇓

And that was mostly for attention. I thought that was obvious.

#428

⇓

Andre is an art major.

#429

⇓

He's a junior, and he invented the ink.

#430

⇓

He also just made Forbes' 30 Over 40 List.

#431

⇓

He's over 40?

#432

⇓

Dad, you are missing the point.

#433

⇓

What point?

#434

⇓

I'm marrying into money.

#435

⇓

- Oh. - Hm.

#436

⇓

College is terrifying.

#437

⇓

Everybody has a path.

#438

⇓

And I don't yet.

#439

⇓

Dad, you always said to have a backup plan.

#440

⇓

Well, Andre is my backup plan.

#441

⇓

And if I get these lasered off, he's gonna think I don't support his art.

#442

⇓

And then what?

#443

⇓

I'm just stuck with this dumb degree that literally nobody asked for?

#444

⇓

Is that what you want?

#445

⇓

- Oh, honey, no, no. - No, sweetheart.

#446

⇓

- No. - Sweetheart.

#447

⇓

We trust you.

#448

⇓

- We love you. - Yeah.

#449

⇓

Yeah. I love me too.

#450

⇓

By the way, I also do porn now.

#451

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