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Home » Bad Thoughts » S02E04 — Bad Influences

Bad Thoughts

Season 2, Episode 4 — Bad Influences

TMDB episode metadata
Show: Bad Thoughts
Episode title: BAD INFLUENCES
Air date: May 24, 2026
Directors: Rami Hachache, Jeremy Konner, Tom Segura
Top billed cast: Tom Segura
An intimacy coordinator gets in on the action. A deadly mix-up upends a crime hit. A study-abroad student returns with some unexpected souvenirs.
Source: TMDB
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- First team's walking. - Copy that.
copyteamswalking
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Tom, hey.
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- Hey. - How you doing?
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- Good. - Find the place okay?
place
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Yeah, I mean, it's kind of a maze, but yeah.
maze
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Yeah, they don't make it easy.
easy
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- Such a big fan of your work. - Oh, thanks, man.
thanks
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You still do stand-up?
stand
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- Yeah. - Really?
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Tom!
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- Hey. Hi. - There he is.
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- Oh, come here. It's so good to see you. - Oh! All right.
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You feeling all right? Ready to go?
feelingready
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- Yeah, I think so. Yeah. - Okay.
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I am so sorry about the last-minute schedule changes.
changesminuteschedule
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I know it's a lot to start with the sex scene.
scenestart
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They're always a little weird, but you've done it before, so...
weird
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I haven't. This is, uh, this is my first one.
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- Really? - Yeah.
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- Tom. - This is Celeste.
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- Oh, wow. So nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
meet
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- This is Tom's first ever sex scene. - Oh!
scenetoms
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- Barbara just landed. - Oh, fantastic.
barbarafantasticlanded
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Well, you know,
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you don't have to do anything that you're not comfortable with.
comfortable
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Oh, I'm down for anything.
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I just wanna make sure that you're comfortable.
comfortable
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Uh, excuse me.
excuse
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Everybody, if I could have your attention before we get started on rehearsal.
attentioneverybodyrehearsalstarted
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I'd like to introduce our intimacy coordinator, Barbara.
barbaracoordinatorintimacyintroduce
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Who's ready to bring this picture to life?
bringlifepictureready
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Tom, this is Barbara.
barbara
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She's here to make sure that everybody feels safe and comfortable.
comfortableeverybodyfeelssafe
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- Ready for first scene. - Rehearsal's up.
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Everyone, rehearsal's up.
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I just wanted to say, uh, I'm grateful you're here.
gratefulwanted
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I've never done a scene like this, so just, thank you.
scene
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Where did you train?
train
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Uh, not like a professional, you know, school or anything like that,
professionalschool
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but I come from stand-up comedy and I--
comedystand
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Oh, oh.
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A lot of perverts in your industry.
industry
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- Mm-hmm. - Uh, there's a few bad eggs, yeah.
eggs
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I don't know you at all.
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I don't trust you, and I go by my gut.
trust
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I feel like you're coming at me like I've done something wrong.
coming
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Yeah. Well, there's absolutely no funny business on my set.
absolutelybusinessfunnyfunny-business
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I got my eyes on you, okay?
eyes
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Okay.
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Guys!
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...me up? Okay.
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- Here we go. - Settle in.
settle
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- Rehearsal's up. - Everybody, let's clear.
cleareverybodyrehearsals
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Ready, and action.
actionready
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Goddamn it.
goddamngoddamn-it
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I am such a fool.
fool
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Why did we even come to the Amalfi Coast?
coast
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There was never any treasure here.
treasure
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Vera, the only treasure I need is right in front of me.
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And it says we kiss?
kiss
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Stop!
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Stop!
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- Michael? - No, I'm sorry, I-I--
michael
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This is a symphony.
symphony
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It is harmonies, rhythms, fortes, pianissimos,
harmonies
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and I am the conductor.
conductor
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I-I asked-- I asked if I should kiss. I didn't do anything.
askedkiss
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You know what? Why don't we...
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- Let's move to the next part of the scene. - Uh-huh.
partscene
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The bed. Go to the bed scene?
scene
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- Bed scene's up. - Yeah.
scenes
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Look, do you think we can get a different intimacy coordinator?
coordinatorintimacy
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A different...?
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Tom, she's the best in the world.
bestworld
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No one makes actors feel more comfortable.
actorscomfortablemakes
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All right, now, it's really romantic.
romantic
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It's sweet, it's sensual.
sensualsweet
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So you're making out.
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- Now? - Action.
action
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- I'll take care of it. - Thank you.
care
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- Ow! - What the fuck?
fuck
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Kiss her. Kiss her.
kiss
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Are you sure? I just got, uh, some mixed signals from you today.
mixedsignalstoday
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Kiss her. Kiss her.
kiss
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- Just... mouth on mouth. - Unexpected. Okay, okay.
mouthunexpected
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Yeah.
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- Uh, Mike? - Yeah.
mike
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It-- it says in the script that I... I grab her bosom?
bosomgrabscript
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Yeah.
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I don't wanna do that.
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Tom... Tom, it's okay.
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- Hit those titties. - Just grab 'em.
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Just grab 'em. It's okay.
grab
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Come on, Tom. Get in there.
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- Jesus, Tom, go. - You're so close.
closejesus
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That's my shoulder.
shoulder
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- Yeah. - Tommy, what's up?
tommy
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I mean, you know, tits, who's into those now?
tits
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- You need me to step in? - Please.
step
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I'll play with her tits. Suck on her tits.
sucktits
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Then I'll smack 'em around.
smack
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Move over. Get over.
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- You want me to roll this way? - No, this is it.
roll
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- Okay. - I'll just get in there. Tom, straddle me.
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- I straddle you from here? - Mm-hmm.
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Do you think you can not get aroused? Be a professional? Be a man?
arousedprofessional
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This is how we did Brokeback, Heated Rivalry.
heatedrivalry
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If you'd ever had any kind of formal training,
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you'd know about this.
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- And now, I reach my hands up. - Yeah.
handsreach
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- Bring your mouth to my mouth. - Yeah.
bringmouth
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- But she's in between us? Okay. - Mm-hmm.
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- Oh, this is perfect. - Barbara, that's brilliant. Yes.
barbarabrilliantperfect
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What do you think if Vera were to be on top?
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- Yes! - That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Okay.
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Okay, Tom, lay it down. Lay it down right here.
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- So then if I'm... here. Okay? - Mm-hmm.
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- I can't talk like this. - That's great.
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You're just gonna sit on my face?
face
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Okay, I have his hands. Don't worry.
handsworry
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Tom, no funny business.
businessfunnyfunny-business
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Now once Vera is up here and mounted, and then I throw my hair back...
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Celeste, just like that.
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- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - It's like you're carrying the scene.
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Everything goes to you.
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Oh!
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- Oh my God. - I couldn't breathe under there.
breathe
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- Ow! Ow! Ow! - Oh my--
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That was a little rough, Tom.
rough
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I just think I could make it a little more...
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...it played like I-- I have to...
played
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We have to start shooting. We've been rehearsing all day. It's crazy.
crazyrehearsingshootingstart
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Could you do, like, an earwig?
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Earwig? Yeah.
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- Yes. Yeah. - Yes.
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- That's fine. - Okay, everybody, picture's up.
everybodypictures
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We're gonna shoot.
shoot
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Tom, um, we're just gonna jump right to the sex scene, okay?
jumpscene
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- We haven't rehearsed that yet. - I know.
rehearsed
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Um, we're gonna give you an earpiece,
earpiece
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and then Barbara is just, she's gonna walk you through the whole thing.
barbarawalkwhole
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Trust me. She does this in all the big movies. Think of it as a...
moviestrust
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Think of it as a rite of passage.
passagerite
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Okay.
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We're rolling. Quiet!
quietrolling
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We'll do that tomorrow, okay? All right, um...
tomorrow
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The earpiece is weird.
earpieceweird
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Yeah.
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All right, here we go.
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Are you good?
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Yeah. You're really sweaty. He's, like, so sweaty.
sweaty
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Can we get a thing there? Yeah.
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- All right, Tom? - Sorry.
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- It's okay. - You're in love, and you say...?
love
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Um...
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"Promise me this is real." Okay, you got this.
promisereal
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"Promise"-- Yeah. "Promise... this is real."
promisereal
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Fucking kill me. No more comedians.
comediansfuckingfucking-killkill
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Okay, this is for you, Cosby.
cosby
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Listen up.
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Don't even think about getting hard. Do not get hard.
hard
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You fucking pervert. I've seen the way you look at her.
fuckingpervertseen
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- You understand me, pedo? - Let's roll camera.
camerapedoroll
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Rolling!
rolling
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Amalfi Coast, scene 24, take one.
coastscene
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db2975c7-97d9-4989-8f15-1d155f5b6d62.gif
Oh, you just want to dig it in.
↓
4c56f9f3-2b6d-49e1-8462-171d3c5182fe.gif
She is not one of your whores.
whores
↓
2fa74923-104d-43e7-ad8b-931c76ddae22.gif
She's not a victim like that. And I'm not a victim.
victim
↓
3b707110-20a8-4d21-871f-af7519dc2a3d.gif
We are not your victims, Tom.
victims
↓
0ef3f070-1809-46c7-a9a0-b67adea84bd3.gif
- What are you talking about? - Tom, keep it together. Come on.
↓
be0f81eb-6d64-4286-bcee-f63563c30a09.gif
- Stop saying that shit. - I know your type.
type
↓
9cf1f660-08e3-48d7-a9bc-b748e9ccd3c3.gif
"I'm a sensitive guy. I had a single mother."
mothersensitivesingle
↓
f757d691-cdb7-46d4-a5d5-081efba074f0.gif
- "I know what women's lives are like." - Are you okay?
liveswomens
↓
1d071f35-eaa1-4b2e-847c-5f03050175e6.gif
- Yeah. - Oh, remember Mommy?
mommyremember
↓
d3622256-34c5-4d72-a8d8-58871c60ae14.gif
No, you don't. Because she wasn't ever home.
home
↓
713e6edc-494c-4165-b100-905c02ba9f30.gif
Mommy didn't come home because Mommy didn't love you.
homelovemommy
↓
ac344907-bfd8-4460-9ecc-376e77d070c9.gif
Whoops!
whoops
↓
4d7aa811-1ca7-446d-bda8-6d0f2838ab42.gif
You disgust me.
disgust
↓
ddda5c75-eb00-4613-b05d-de2b6f3dde79.gif
You make me ill.
↓
9d428198-0a07-4c5d-8c2a-9da4d460f6c9.gif
Clown, comedy.
clowncomedy
↓
1eeeba9b-faec-4c30-9ef9-c645b624ed0c.gif
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
↓
234645ef-c2d3-42de-ac2b-74f8982f2923.gif
It's all a mask for the monster within.
maskmonster
↓
732ec198-320b-4155-a8bc-6eff992bdfe3.gif
Action!
action
↓
6f79ae01-11f0-485c-be91-802bd6f93568.gif
Tonight's five nominees transported us
fivenomineestonights
↓
026489bd-72c9-4e5a-9f3f-0618746af0f7.gif
with their spellbinding and often surprising performances.
oftensurprising
↓
759ea087-caf2-4beb-9037-4f5f0a9d1772.gif
And the award for Best Actor in a Major Motion Picture goes to...
actorawardbestmajormotionpicture
↓
13a41236-76b1-4d47-9b48-ccae948d1791.gif
Tom Segura.
segura
↓
25efdb0d-eb74-4409-b5ed-da2e9b3a659c.gif
I'm scared.
scared
↓
98a47564-4957-4433-8103-aa482d300adf.gif
I'm scared.
scared
↓
13ae7719-1a6b-458c-8027-029e24b9b10b.gif
I'm so scared.
scared
↓
133ebbe3-88fa-4bc7-afda-90c091c73a08.gif
I'm so scared.
scared
↓
bd2fae82-524b-429c-bca7-3e5108fb1dca.gif
Unfortunately,
unfortunately
↓
3dd429c0-39b1-48d6-8b33-e604f7ee7428.gif
Tom tragically took his life the day the film completed production.
completedfilmlifeproductiontragically
↓
7228a62f-9255-413c-bdac-a3679a04c1bd.gif
But I'm certain he would want this award to go to his intimacy coordinator, Bar--
awardcertaincoordinatorintimacy
↓
13146064-6483-497b-8db1-19f88fe39ebe.gif
There you go.
↓
c1fc11b6-0615-46d9-9e2c-555c4a54a277.gif
What the fuck?
fuck
↓
e82f24e3-1cc8-42dd-824c-ddab4e5816c7.gif
What?
↓
6a115df9-849d-4bc4-b6b1-c9d2584aee9b.gif
Fuck!
fuck
↓
d43de309-36ff-4b76-acee-6708d8447404.gif
Fuck, man! Why'd you shoot him?
fuckshootwhyd
↓
e9cd0870-165a-4ecc-8766-8f185d3db477.gif
- You gave me the signal. - No, I didn't.
signal
↓
1586bc6f-e7b0-4c48-b1a4-d5c6d7d91794.gif
- You did your head like this. - That's not the signal.
headsignal
↓
79a34432-30bc-4c45-9fd2-5dbcb4c92485.gif
I thought that was the signal.
signal
↓
cabb38e2-d4f3-4be9-b7df-d3a10c8f2d2e.gif
That was a nod, you know?
↓
29bf4757-6819-41f8-8683-89a8762f9b6c.gif
Like, "Hey, hey, what's up, dawg?"
dawg
↓
7315da72-d58b-4879-90e3-336f54b88c39.gif
You know? "Hello."
↓
04bdee73-3f79-43fe-927e-ad90214e89f8.gif
I thought that was, you know, like the signal.
signal
↓
bc071082-2e50-4aa6-a00c-fa64b8872828.gif
Man, no! I would've gave you a clear fucking signal.
clearfuckingsignalwouldve
↓
80c40067-5fce-45f0-acd8-9bb7e2d4050a.gif
Like what?
↓
15db2866-ea73-4660-a75d-056bd0131710.gif
Like the signal, man. The fucking...
fuckingsignal
↓
ba21e558-29ab-4fe9-b14b-ed2985b08661.gif
That's really close to the last one.
close
↓
89b85252-1ec4-4d9b-a2b2-ea86a75f13d2.gif
Fuck no, it isn't.
fuck
↓
fda901d9-0a0c-4405-8bfb-d48a41b0b459.gif
They're both head... things.
head
↓
b1f83a18-9523-46f8-ab2f-0113d1547be2.gif
No, that's-- that's fucking "hello" without saying hello.
fucking
↓
75fa8a56-3503-43c2-b1cf-06f93e7c38a4.gif
This...
↓
a99415f9-2650-48ac-845e-6c4ebb585549.gif
This...
↓
ce642641-e65f-43ad-b255-19fdb2710597.gif
Hey, look at me, look at me.
↓
336b1c2f-8a72-4c65-af52-fcd03615dfdf.gif
That's the signal.
signal
↓
80ec23b2-a358-4bd3-8b2e-5dbb5631337a.gif
They're very close.
close
↓
985c61e7-1333-474f-a56b-1aee8dd413f6.gif
What are you talking about? They're different!
↓
1a4e1c90-829b-4e0d-847b-914beb395893.gif
Fuck, man, you killed my cousin.
cousinfuckkilled
↓
d99b9762-5874-4f45-96b0-fb46d89e0021.gif
That's a 22-year-old Mexican kid, man.
mexican
↓
4141e394-f970-4a58-901d-9a0a672bff03.gif
Does that look like the Russian Butcher to you?
butcherrussian
↓
dff1e2fe-fb90-4109-8ded-68830cce0c2b.gif
- What's the Butcher look like? - He looks like a Russian butcher.
butcherrussian
↓
ffc87014-ee7a-4eb0-91c1-2e29dd736ed9.gif
I'll tell you what he doesn't look like.
↓
bb0ce2d5-e104-4ec8-b809-c579e448f409.gif
He doesn't look like my little cousin Juanito,
cousin
↓
615616ab-d76f-4a31-8eb0-13da9c1dea39.gif
aka Flaco, aka Moco,
↓
a4e37082-cddb-4cc8-95d4-d5f944ed5f87.gif
aka Chino from Irvine.
↓
d4559564-3d79-4ada-a155-6b4f8733524a.gif
- He's got all those nicknames? - Yeah, man.
nicknames
↓
930922ae-ec37-48c4-8c11-fb0e34ca2123.gif
And lately, we started calling him Little Buff Guy.
buffcallinglatelystartedstarted-calling
↓
1f8cdc2b-7ec1-4939-b1da-842c002130ef.gif
He started working out and shit. He's all into it.
startedstarted-workingworking
↓
0ea0779d-12bf-4d5a-8985-5c1b75158c62.gif
- I can see. - Fuck, Tony. You fucked up, man.
fuckfuckedtony
↓
d915ec67-5d2a-4021-9115-f91e68962779.gif
Fuck, man. Fuck!
fuck
↓
d97135ba-b979-44f0-9bae-0ccf5e77bec4.gif
- Why don't we work on signals? - What?
signals
↓
0dba2d01-5f83-4cb1-806c-99accf90e053.gif
Yeah, so this doesn't happen again.
happen
↓
1fc91547-d0c7-4a5a-bac0-62d212fda9e8.gif
Tony, what the fuck are you talking about, man?
fucktony
↓
25ae9083-c1aa-46f7-8268-bee9826debf3.gif
All right, we need a clear signal.
clearsignal
↓
8993e042-9988-45bd-8387-299fa45b78f2.gif
- What's that? You're clearing your throat. - But if we know that it means something...
clearingthroat
↓
d374b270-edfb-46c8-bd28-418437fdf2f6.gif
Well, what if you have to clear your throat in real life?
clearliferealreal-lifethroat
↓
da441012-5e19-44c5-8c7d-a1a6bf88833b.gif
All right, how about, uh...
↓
2e4b8fb9-dd94-488a-8044-2eda06c6a1a5.gif
Uh...
↓
62eefc4e-fe2a-4597-bd1f-c17ae0419097.gif
That's a good signal.
signal
↓
9df36f64-626e-4126-97b8-1682095b9393.gif
Point my finger?
fingerpoint
↓
af8a71f3-d8c3-44ed-b7ca-2c39e7085f41.gif
It's clear.
clear
↓
7e643215-5f0d-4fc5-afc4-99fb63f58c96.gif
"Shoot him."
shoot
↓
38cef0d9-8cb0-4669-9cb4-dc5f0ae3ce73.gif
You got another one?
another
↓
21ac8b8d-6a48-459a-8fa6-30d52bab9473.gif
Yeah, how about I just go like this? Hey...
↓
91ba7f16-9e59-4085-ad55-3f6f9f113ab6.gif
- That works. - Yeah? That's not a fucking signal!
fuckingsignalworks
↓
ce839f27-0716-4efe-9991-1283b632ee01.gif
Tony, that's a full gesture!
fullgesturetony
↓
6deb02b4-44a9-4aca-b9f1-8951a27aa174.gif
This ain't The Price is Right. I ain't Vanna White.
aintpricewhite
↓
09775f65-e19a-4f01-977f-af742f1e6a0c.gif
Wheel of Fortune.
fortunewheel
↓
0ee6602b-ee54-4a78-bef3-be4f1a2007e6.gif
- What? - Vanna White's Wheel of Fortune.
fortunewheelwhites
↓
236ef26f-f5d1-47a0-9a73-eb3b5c2bee36.gif
I'm just saying.
↓
d67846e1-85b3-4fa5-99b6-84365150d438.gif
Look, I'm sorry.
↓
f6f960b9-e78d-4c05-9418-67cc2d5e9e16.gif
Your cousin, I'm sorry I killed him.
cousinkilled
↓
fcd48ac5-00f4-4196-9c0e-92ecd6e57faa.gif
I feel really embarrassed right now.
embarrassed
↓
6b22f95b-8bc2-4ff5-9cb4-59031a87c02f.gif
Fuck. You fucked up, man.
fuckfucked
↓
ebacbeb5-7852-4cf1-9433-8edb4668f37c.gif
You fucked up bad.
fucked
↓
46155970-57dd-498f-b1e7-77e7e01e7454.gif
This is my fucking family.
familyfucking
↓
de18d09a-1fdc-47c3-8564-881fc6070cff.gif
Fuck, man. Should be fun to tell his mom, huh?
fuckfun
↓
0fe0c41a-dc23-494c-b1f1-1c81f5b56006.gif
"Hey, Tía, I picked up Flaco from the airport."
airportpicked
↓
9102677c-ddd3-4377-a1cf-fb86b714d3ac.gif
"We came downtown,
downtown
↓
87614c43-24b9-49e1-a790-9f886512b222.gif
and then my colleague shot him in the head when I just said, 'What's up?'"
colleagueheadshot
↓
313d61e1-a725-482d-94dd-62ac7f9d9383.gif
You didn't say, "What's up." All right? You gave me a signal.
signal
↓
2d2e6818-0898-413b-9528-b3df311ea049.gif
And I want you to know something.
↓
e73837b3-61e1-4a7c-927f-a8751605d020.gif
You're making me feel real bad about it.
real
↓
e7eea758-ca4a-4581-8602-ca6f05c758e9.gif
Fuck! Well, this should be fun.
fuckfun
↓
809aba7a-97f3-4fb7-ae2e-a8cdf13250f1.gif
She's calling. Fuck am I gonna tell her?
callingfuck
↓
42f08e43-2115-44b6-bb83-5a625d986f60.gif
Thank you, asshole.
asshole
↓
d5d5810e-c18d-46c9-974d-14030e9ae604.gif
- Tell her I'm sorry. - Hey, hey, Tía.
↓
0436e533-e118-488d-83e4-71270b4007d2.gif
Uh, no, no, Moco's having a blast.
blasthaving
↓
4a69e82d-16f9-48eb-aa4e-2db0428b2542.gif
I mean, uh, uh, he's having fun.
funhaving
↓
cbf10ee9-eed4-4d69-95c2-a1c94c3fd48d.gif
No, no, he's just not answering 'cause, uh, he's getting a massage.
answeringmassage
↓
d32f345a-905d-4bd3-a039-40a89b02b637.gif
I'm waiting here in the lobby.
lobbywaiting
↓
867f5d07-d332-44f1-bbcb-38eae61663e5.gif
They got a really nice lobby.
lobby
↓
a4c7e577-ba1c-4d86-b68c-7027c38d49f6.gif
He's in a deep, like, trance. He might not even call you until tomorrow.
deepmighttomorrow
↓
b36dd0d5-589a-4aba-b9ea-f3890f044291.gif
He's having so much fun.
funhaving
↓
ec1ac17f-0e0f-4ad6-b529-de34a0e5622f.gif
No, he can't talk right now because there's an Asian lady on top of him.
asianlady
↓
0ab5dd22-8410-45e6-8cde-e52afa7525c9.gif
- It smells like eucalyptus. - Privet.
smells
↓
3d33e035-fe53-442b-add1-b8481334e2c7.gif
You know, eucalyptus?
↓
305025f4-155b-4b5a-804b-2b6a382a62c4.gif
It seems as though people in this city believe you are looking for me.
believecitylookingseems
↓
1f4330ee-1f50-44f4-b258-eeef5b0c044d.gif
- Yeah, I'm not sure... - Who are you?
↓
9db4d246-3074-470c-b884-e8bc8c23fc84.gif
I prefer to ask the questions myself.
preferquestions
↓
8db3976d-bda2-4843-9594-92ef10c98722.gif
- ...scrub him, and... - Okay.
scrub
↓
859137cd-a346-42f6-9026-52f56e27eae9.gif
You know, bathe him, and...
bathe
↓
ac8df719-9ca8-4e17-9a05-ced1b9613969.gif
Shoot him!
shoot
↓
74cf55d5-3d0d-4243-b2f8-bfa8b987d04d.gif
You know him?
↓
83655e11-f944-4369-9622-81a3d967a9b4.gif
That's my cousin.
cousin
↓
aa96a721-472c-4fe3-8456-21319e58ec94.gif
This dumb motherfucker thought it was you.
dumbmotherfucker
↓
00c6f8fd-b155-4ce5-be7f-db946ee65750.gif
He's Meksikanskiy.
↓
a79dc967-2b57-4faf-9563-a4978b493a47.gif
- Yeah? - You ready?
ready
↓
b2a1064b-c132-4f78-b0a9-bf86bbd147ff.gif
Wait, let me give you the nod first.
↓
e6c21cca-c0b8-4165-81a1-cefd4a488558.gif
Yeah, that's what's up. See? Yeah. Yeah, you get it.
↓
3fb805d5-01a0-4348-b1ac-19b34df619a2.gif
Okay, ready?
ready
↓
b6478937-584f-4d46-93f9-0383323d3929.gif
It's a clear difference between the nod--
cleardifference
↓
6e702d33-8083-4417-9a80-494b791c998c.gif
She's here!
↓
b976a81e-963d-4620-a808-7fa703edcb2b.gif
Phil, she's here!
phil
↓
54755faf-9fe8-4761-86e9-8296502278e5.gif
All right, all right!
↓
7255372c-5e14-4e11-b98a-78b0917eccc0.gif
There she is.
↓
a0976208-a89c-4728-8d37-cbc2a14363d0.gif
- Oh gosh, sweetie, welcome home. - Hi.
goshhomesweetiewelcomewelcome-home
↓
bebf8388-8375-41a8-8a81-0c8eecb8c243.gif
Hi, Mom.
↓
f9039692-6895-45cf-a131-769d56117cae.gif
Hi, honey.
honey
↓
69763c22-d8cb-47cf-99a2-fd89c3165a59.gif
- Hi, Dad. - Darling, how are you?
darling
↓
551999f8-9509-4da6-b370-bc2482d48a49.gif
God, my hair.
hair
↓
c1d0e1d9-52b5-4166-a4f7-b488cef1bcb9.gif
Almost drowned out there. It's fucking raining.
drownedfuckingraining
↓
73577e36-5c3f-438d-8d0d-d521631d5001.gif
Oh, you look great.
↓
2cb7f7f2-29c5-4747-85e4-d6931db6e511.gif
Mom, I see you decided to cut your hair.
decidedhair
↓
6510b463-4f16-4e69-9147-f9fa9351d9db.gif
Oh, do you like it?
↓
3a7bab87-b5a6-4eb2-aeea-16d7e6da0d7f.gif
Uh, yeah. Totally works for you, I guess.
works
↓
9900548c-9d65-4c12-877e-86586807e977.gif
- Thank you. - We missed you so much.
missed
↓
df16d2f4-dfe7-460f-82ac-e8191e310bb0.gif
God, I was gone like eight months.
eighteight-monthsgonemonths
↓
8154f52a-b1ee-4279-9572-09d5a0192fe4.gif
I swear, you guys are, like, so attached.
attachedswear
↓
05306b5b-d318-4416-9df5-c892eabf0c33.gif
It's crazy.
crazy
↓
d7ed7e60-dacb-470e-81b6-f682c36453d5.gif
Uh, honey, what's that?
honey
↓
d49bb4ca-8f1f-4f3e-bf56-07bb92defef6.gif
It's a tattoo of a heart, and it has the word "home" in it.
hearthometattooword
↓
3db36d1e-376b-4a7d-8c90-ff75273d50d6.gif
I'm sorry, but you know how we feel about tattoos.
tattoos
↓
5ecc5b68-3d3a-434a-af39-084200ae04d2.gif
You've only got one body.
body
↓
a8ecfb80-250f-4c6b-923c-c0ee29829650.gif
Oh, wow. So now you have a say in my body?
body
↓
24661809-6f6a-4239-9652-92eba2cc5d0e.gif
Why don't you tell me what brand of tampon I'm allowed to use, Dad?
allowedbrandtampon
↓
c0b126cd-6bf2-4892-baff-be5ca8d030ea.gif
So gross.
gross
↓
5444b695-0e6f-42f7-b2c3-e1d952bd15f0.gif
Patriarchy much?
patriarchy
↓
b04c4945-264c-4f24-bf8f-e4ba137e4e11.gif
I just got it to remind myself where I come from or whatever.
remind
↓
1948f264-045c-4a07-aaf1-1ac0644b7d83.gif
I love you guys.
love
↓
588ddcbd-e7bc-406a-9597-da25eba956a1.gif
- Aw, sweetie, that's so nice. - Yeah.
sweetie
↓
291dd019-9094-48b0-b3ca-b0f50b2a6a4b.gif
Yeah, no shit. I'm super thoughtful.
superthoughtful
↓
f5ea3986-c4d0-43e7-bf1b-79232569ebfd.gif
So, how was the study abroad program?
abroadprogramstudy
↓
58c3dec0-1ff9-4978-9585-4bf49a0c8d8b.gif
- Do you speak French now? - Oh, right!
frenchspeak
↓
ad2099cd-0fef-488c-8058-2300cfcc6cb2.gif
Uh, oui.
↓
8e7e0264-b529-4733-b941-34a426c73e0a.gif
It was amazing. So fucking cool.
amazingcoolfucking
↓
5434997b-d86b-4461-8803-7b0865e34986.gif
I'm gonna think about what I wanna do with my major, you know?
major
↓
31e51fdc-8c81-4030-a2d9-6759e910b98a.gif
Probably gonna switch it up.
switch
↓
44b83cc1-1edd-421d-95d9-1931db3b1f46.gif
Maybe, like, art or, like, math or, like, the trumpet.
mathtrumpet
↓
2b2f0e12-e96d-4679-8273-e03abade2bf2.gif
I don't know. I'm just evolving so fast right now, it's crazy.
crazyevolvingfast
↓
6c3c1883-dc62-4f2d-8a45-c2b6c045220a.gif
- We are so proud of you. - I know. Anyway, I got you guys something.
proud
↓
bb7d8a21-5eae-4ec7-b2ad-4088c1b0f20e.gif
It's, like, whatever,
↓
124efc10-c81f-4400-b282-fb6fb158d054.gif
but I figured I'd get you something 'cause you paid for my fucking trip.
figuredfuckingpaidtrip
↓
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Fuck. Where the fuck are these fucking things?
fuckfucking
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Oh.
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Caitlyn?
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Oh my God, what now?
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What is that?
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You're so uncultured. It's the Eiffel Tower from Paris.
paristower
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Ugh.
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No, on your back.
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a4e9e60f-7a02-419e-9cd7-05ba0cd4a8ca.gif
On your lower back. Is that... Hitler?
hitlerlower
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Uh, yeah, obviously. What's the fucking problem?
fuckingobviouslyproblem
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c7f6677d-0dae-4cca-b832-1012440d5166.gif
It's Hitler.
hitler
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2851df24-16f6-46de-91cb-2f05d1ea5211.gif
Oh my God.
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What do you specifically see?
specifically
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I cannot believe how fucking stupid these two are.
believecannotcannot-believefuckingfucking-stupidstupid
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Oh my God.
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534f7ef6-187e-44f6-96f3-c6a5303b6344.gif
He's smiling.
smiling
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45d31576-e428-4bcd-82f4-1fa8bc991c9a.gif
Exactly, thank you. Somebody has fucking eyes now, I guess.
eyesfuckingsomebody
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"Exactly" what?
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He's happy here.
happy
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On your back?
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5764bc0b-ff3a-41b5-ad05-9a70a5772527.gif
It's just showing him in good spirits.
showingspirits
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Sweetie... ...if Hitler's in good spirits,
hitlersspiritssweetie
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it probably means he just did something horrifically awful.
awful
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54cd5b02-66d9-4da3-b49f-1d8c70155512.gif
Describe his smile.
describesmile
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311ff8f6-6f1b-44a1-8ad5-0d1a28273c7a.gif
It's gross.
gross
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a254ba39-ca4c-4e8e-9000-a6c06666ed56.gif
No, be objective.
objective
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ccf045f4-abf4-4f99-ba66-5c12bbe9db22.gif
Is it bad?
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7d2c3ba7-f2e9-4132-a9af-ba7bb8539ab9.gif
Is it a bad smile, Dad?
smile
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baac4fc0-922f-4614-b839-0e43214e7df8.gif
It's good?
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e5aa7a66-8468-4b78-b9d4-b26b557ab3f4.gif
It's a great smile.
smile
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e43bcef0-4fcc-4737-8feb-3c0bb17a4fe5.gif
Oh my God.
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1c6780a6-6921-4300-b5f4-d2d71c457cb5.gif
Admit it.
admit
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00d35ac3-c0c7-45ba-a55a-9c80f07df4bb.gif
Okay. All right, fine.
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1d3433f1-ad79-4088-8415-4ed0e2e8696e.gif
Hitler has a great smile. Is that what you want me to say?
hitlersmile
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a3378f84-4c25-43d6-8554-4cb6638627d6.gif
- That Hitler has a great smile? - He's mogging.
hitlersmile
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8aae4b7a-18d8-4d87-b4ee-eb2fb5130f82.gif
- But, honey-- - He's like a low-tier Chad, Dad.
chadhoney
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You understand that he is an awful person, right?
awfulperson
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fb8a0694-fe45-4a62-9a0c-5c5a4e33032f.gif
- That's like the whole fucking point, Dad. - Okay, good. Great.
fuckingpointwholewhole-fucking
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55867ee0-0634-4dfb-a907-38ee774ce556.gif
Wait, what?
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Oh my God. You guys are so fucking cringe.
fucking
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- You watch your mouth. - I'm not cringe.
mouthwatch
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All I'm saying is that I got this tattoo
tattoo
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to remind me to be careful in the real world, okay?
carefulrealreal-worldremindworld
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16342b15-2580-4eba-88b0-4eedf59eab9d.gif
Like, I look at it every single day,
single
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f7d20459-4af4-444c-88fb-cb31250a6fa4.gif
and I remember that just because somebody has a nice smile,
remembersmilesomebody
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0c527e7a-84b7-4a18-b396-26d8f82b0a93.gif
it doesn't mean that they're a nice person.
person
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273936a3-99ef-49b4-bff2-9228fd5c8642.gif
Like, the Führer was, like...
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f6ab91c0-a532-447a-92e4-1a3733d9e808.gif
he was kind of a dick.
dick
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b2898046-36fc-4cf5-9852-f6eca49dabb4.gif
Oh no, the power went out.
power
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2d74e2e7-fa23-4c6e-8c88-76c74f069b8a.gif
I guess I'll fix it. I mean, obviously.
obviously
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c2398d4e-2a30-4d90-b6a3-1dff93fd68d0.gif
God, I have to do everything around here. These two are so fucking helpless.
fuckinghelpless
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They'd just live in the dark if I wasn't here. Jesus Christ.
christdarkjesusjesus-christlivetheyd
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What?
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a2c2b1a5-d1c9-4a3f-9c83-cd366009d37c.gif
It's glow-in-the-dark ink.
darkglow
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ed021e73-3816-4391-a8c5-df0a783a850c.gif
It's super cutting-edge.
cuttingedgesuper
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Barely anybody has it, except for Rachel Sennott or whatever.
anybodybarelyexceptrachel
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b56de04f-3591-4658-ba36-fe9508307064.gif
Why the Twin Towers?
towerstwin
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e4635f10-bcab-44f5-a943-cd88efdd6d6e.gif
Uh, really, Mom? 9/11?
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9e13a27c-3ebd-44e2-a603-fd6813a7d261.gif
Ever heard of it? This one's super easy.
easyheardonessuper
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Never forget what Hitler did, even though he had an amazing smile.
amazingforgethitlersmile
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Don't judge a book by its cover.
bookcoverjudge
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070adff7-dadf-4fc5-b5e1-e30ecdb6f1ea.gif
Did Hitler just wink?
hitlerwink
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8db51ae3-a98b-43f2-97aa-7be36c2f4577.gif
It's animated ink.
animated
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e34f4da0-0a67-446a-867f-7baf6a4bcee3.gif
Jesus, open your ears. I mean, this one moves too.
earsjesusmovesopen
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Oh my God.
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58d5fa60-10ab-4b2d-a03c-7a25c5b19032.gif
Sweetie, please tell me that's not R. Kelly.
kellysweetie
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914084ac-7fc2-4fd5-bab7-c4d93f7e1d49.gif
Okay, I won't.
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559952d3-a2f8-4ace-bab6-b42b36ce8516.gif
- Why would you have--? - R. Kelly is another reminder.
anotherkellyreminder
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ff727c45-6132-410c-8af0-2767e49c2c23.gif
Of what?
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53283fcc-b463-4656-9a48-d5bc38c359c6.gif
To drink water.
drinkwater
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1e4feaac-eebc-4eb9-8e1d-7f6a8f89fd62.gif
So that I pee.
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45413b5d-b237-4337-b59e-40e5b5214ae0.gif
Oh my God.
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82f03f98-31f6-4311-a251-3774ccb5d681.gif
Why do you need a tattoo of R. Kelly to remind you to pee?
kellyremindtattoo
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f6e71e15-0fe0-42a8-a989-54bff5db3f3d.gif
'Cause he's like the pee guy or whatever.
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85f723a7-207d-41c5-9ea6-eca003748e40.gif
Why is he licking his lips?
lickinglips
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34e2c895-f8a1-47c3-9aab-6a4825c92e98.gif
Because his mouth is dry.
mouth
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644dfbcd-2bc4-4e02-aacf-35398da05a6f.gif
No wonder I'm gonna be the first one to graduate college in this family.
collegefamilygraduatewonder
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You know what? This has gone far enough. That's it.
gone
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- You're getting them removed. - Mm-hmm.
removed
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Wow.
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Wow.
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I knew you'd be close-minded.
closeminded
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Andre said you'd freak out.
andrefreak
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Who is Andre?
andre
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My tattoo artist.
artisttattoo
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And my boyfriend.
boyfriend
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Boyfriend?
boyfriend
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3a773985-950f-4601-905b-8fd5fe2d3258.gif
But you came out as a lesbian at Thanksgiving.
lesbianthanksgiving
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82e5185c-72ea-45f0-9ad9-ff3212cf5df7.gif
Okay, I came out as bi.
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And that was mostly for attention. I thought that was obvious.
attentionmostlyobvious
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Andre is an art major.
andremajor
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He's a junior, and he invented the ink.
inventedjunior
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He also just made Forbes' 30 Over 40 List.
list
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He's over 40?
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ac25a447-f595-4c9b-afbc-0a7227b09e3d.gif
Dad, you are missing the point.
missingpoint
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5755bd2a-889a-4fd4-b252-857ecf40c455.gif
What point?
point
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2d2b39fc-5ce4-4220-b61a-1594e9e90121.gif
I'm marrying into money.
marryingmoney
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85216e4d-fdef-4c5f-8200-8591d1431988.gif
- Oh. - Hm.
↓
e089cd04-ef82-4449-91b5-397c6437c474.gif
College is terrifying.
collegeterrifying
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a798ddb7-ffa3-4645-8544-d927eb2f6d9b.gif
Everybody has a path.
everybodypath
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90f33d4f-bd8e-4eb0-b9e9-1a8cb1d950c6.gif
And I don't yet.
↓
e517b21d-ef3b-4299-b0c6-188b11f5a0e1.gif
Dad, you always said to have a backup plan.
backupbackup-planplan
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ba1f076f-47d1-45f9-8845-e79e13e1b38f.gif
Well, Andre is my backup plan.
andrebackupbackup-planplan
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180e8bdd-3382-4cad-a642-b7ff65824c13.gif
And if I get these lasered off, he's gonna think I don't support his art.
support
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ead5151b-fc45-4786-87dd-557435b77e81.gif
And then what?
↓
e9a4a23e-cdb9-4cfd-a775-684ac0862a1b.gif
I'm just stuck with this dumb degree that literally nobody asked for?
askeddegreedumbnobodystuck
↓
d44a5546-b5a5-4884-8bb4-5bf589d8c7de.gif
Is that what you want?
↓
ddd49afc-9dc7-4118-ac87-f651850b9236.gif
- Oh, honey, no, no. - No, sweetheart.
honeysweetheart
↓
73f4eecc-1ae4-45c3-9a7f-138c5c931399.gif
- No. - Sweetheart.
sweetheart
↓
4c8de163-f2c0-4b20-9fe3-6f0501d90030.gif
We trust you.
trust
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927f5b90-b16e-415e-96ca-ab1347994778.gif
- We love you. - Yeah.
love
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8d2a10a6-1353-43dd-ab56-5b7da6ccd6c7.gif
Yeah. I love me too.
love
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5070da73-f85e-4dae-9fa6-eecf37f0b972.gif
By the way, I also do porn now.
porn