Home » Bad Thoughts » S02E02 — Bad Perspectives

Bad Thoughts

Season 2, Episode 2 — Bad Perspectives

Where do you think you're going?

#1

⇓

- To my room! Ugh! - I am not done talking to you!

#2

⇓

You never even try to understand me!

#3

⇓

I'm sorry I don't have the perfect life like you do.

#4

⇓

You think my life is perfect?

#5

⇓

That just goes to show what you understand.

#6

⇓

- You have it so easy, sweetie. - Easy?

#7

⇓

- You couldn't last one day living my life. - Are you kidding?

#8

⇓

Your life would be a vacation!

#9

⇓

Ugh.

#10

⇓

You couldn't last one day living my life.

#11

⇓

You never even try to understand me!

#12

⇓

You think my life is perfect? That just goes to show...

#13

⇓

Your life would be a vacation!

#14

⇓

- I'm so old! - How did this happen?

#15

⇓

- Oh my God, there's so much skin. - I cannot believe that this is real!

#16

⇓

So let me get this straight.

#17

⇓

You guys had a fight about how you don't understand each other.

#18

⇓

And then you went to sleep, and now...

#19

⇓

I'm her, and she's me!

#20

⇓

Wait! Ow.

#21

⇓

Why does my wrist hurt?

#22

⇓

- That's my arthritis! Honey, I'm sorry! - Right?

#23

⇓

You can feel her arthritis?

#24

⇓

- Yes. - That's remarkable.

#25

⇓

Oh my goodness. I mean...

#26

⇓

You're allergic to shellfish. Does that mean you can have lobster now?

#27

⇓

I don't know.

#28

⇓

And will you dream about... her experiences?

#29

⇓

And if I, you know... with you,

#30

⇓

would that be with her?

#31

⇓

- What are you talking about, Bill? - Baby, I'm a systems analyst.

#32

⇓

I'm just thinking about-- You know what? Forget I said anything.

#33

⇓

Okay.

#34

⇓

We have to fix this, Mom!

#35

⇓

My final audition for Juilliard is tonight.

#36

⇓

If I don't go, I'll never play violin professionally.

#37

⇓

- Oh my God. - Okay, but seriously.

#38

⇓

How would this work if we were really trying to figure it out?

#39

⇓

If you are her and you are her,

#40

⇓

then hypothetically,

#41

⇓

who would I choose if I had to?

#42

⇓

If it was like a life-or-death scenario?

#43

⇓

'Cause I'm trying to figure out who it would make more sense to...

#44

⇓

You know?

#45

⇓

- To have sex with? - What?!

#46

⇓

Hey, jeez, don't say that in front of Kelly... or Nancy.

#47

⇓

You see what I--? This is so confusing. Just forget I said anything.

#48

⇓

- Keep doing what you were doing. - Okay, we'll try. Back to what matters.

#49

⇓

But, but, but...

#50

⇓

- I don't think I should have sex with you. - Jesus.

#51

⇓

Because while you are my wife's body,

#52

⇓

my daughter is inside, and no, thank you.

#53

⇓

- Ew, ew, ew! - What the hell, Bill?

#54

⇓

What?

#55

⇓

I thought we were all trying to figure out the rules of this magical event. Am I...?

#56

⇓

All right, let's just move on. My bad.

#57

⇓

Okay, honey, honey, honey, will you at least try to teach me?

#58

⇓

Teach you how to play Tchaikovsky in a day? Are you crazy?

#59

⇓

I'm not trying to fuck my daughter. For the record.

#60

⇓

What? Is that not a good thing?

#61

⇓

That I want to not fuck my daughter?

#62

⇓

That's great, Bill.

#63

⇓

Great, wish granted. Are you ready to move on?

#64

⇓

Yes. You can see why it's confusing, right?

#65

⇓

But honestly, we'll just-- We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

#66

⇓

Why would we ever get to that bridge, Dad?

#67

⇓

We won't. We absolutely won't.

#68

⇓

Assuming everything goes back to the way it was.

#69

⇓

But when will that be?

#70

⇓

It could be days, it could be months, it could be years.

#71

⇓

- It's been three minutes, Dad! - I'm trying to stay ahead of it.

#72

⇓

Okay, will you just stop talking about fucking us?!

#73

⇓

Honey, she's not new to sex.

#74

⇓

She's been seeing that Jeff Hinkle kid for a while now,

#75

⇓

and I found a used condom in the trash.

#76

⇓

- Oh my God, Dad! Don't go through my shit! - Wait...

#77

⇓

Okay, I'm sorry.

#78

⇓

- God. Okay... - Wait, what about my presentation? I...

#79

⇓

I mean, I love you, but there is zero chance

#80

⇓

you're gonna be able to explain to the national grocery chain

#81

⇓

the financial upside of putting Smucker's jelly on their end caps.

#82

⇓

- What? - I'm gonna get fired.

#83

⇓

- Blowjobs are off the table. - What the fuck?!

#84

⇓

Off the table. Don't you agree?

#85

⇓

I can't look down and see my wiener in my daughter's mouth.

#86

⇓

- Oh, make it stop! Oh my God! - I'm trying.

#87

⇓

Jeez Louise!

#88

⇓

I'm trying to tell you, no blowjobs. I'm not doing it.

#89

⇓

At least not now.

#90

⇓

Maybe after some time,

#91

⇓

we'll all feel differently, and we can reconvene then.

#92

⇓

God! Can you just get the fuck out of here, Dad?

#93

⇓

Okay, I can take a hint.

#94

⇓

I'm gonna go upstairs, see if the cat's fed.

#95

⇓

You ladies, do your thing.

#96

⇓

Okay. Wait!

#97

⇓

- I know what we can do! - You do?

#98

⇓

I'm gonna go to the presentation. But I'll just put my hair down like this,

#99

⇓

and I'll hide an AirPod in my ear, and you just tell me what to say.

#100

⇓

That... that's actually great.

#101

⇓

- Yeah. - Yes! Oh!

#102

⇓

Wow. When did my daughter become so brilliant?

#103

⇓

Maybe you just had to look a little harder.

#104

⇓

Threesome in the dark! I figured it out.

#105

⇓

I do my best thinking on the stairs.

#106

⇓

Think about it. Threesome in the dark, right?

#107

⇓

I won't know whose mouth or hands are touching what or doing what.

#108

⇓

You stay quiet. It's perfect.

#109

⇓

Threesome in the dark.

#110

⇓

Hm? All right, we'll talk about it later. Just process it.

#111

⇓

- Mom. Seriously? - Mm. Mm-hmm.

#112

⇓

I cannot believe how you put up with that fucking disgusting pig.

#113

⇓

How do you even get through each day, let alone prepare for a presentation?

#114

⇓

Me? I mean, I can't believe you've turned out relatively normal

#115

⇓

with that lunatic as your father.

#116

⇓

I mean, any other girl would be in a ditch with 20 needles sticking out of her arms.

#117

⇓

Guess I never really understood how hard it was to be you.

#118

⇓

I think that makes two of us.

#119

⇓

What... what... what...?

#120

⇓

I'm me!

#121

⇓

Mom, Mom, I'm me!

#122

⇓

- Oh, we're back, thank God. - I can still do my audition.

#123

⇓

And I can get ready for my presentation!

#124

⇓

- I love you. - I love you.

#125

⇓

- Good luck! Thank you. - Good luck, Mama!

#126

⇓

What's happening?

#127

⇓

Why am I in this old man's body?

#128

⇓

Hey, bae.

#129

⇓

It's me, your boyfriend. Jeff Hinkle.

#130

⇓

Ew!

#131

⇓

Good morning, everybody!

#132

⇓

The Lord has blessed us with another beautiful day

#133

⇓

for y'all to give thanks to me, Master Murphy,

#134

⇓

for giving you the opportunity to actually do some work

#135

⇓

and do something productive with your life

#136

⇓

instead of acting like every day is a vacation,

#137

⇓

so you can rid yourself of the devil's grip on your loins

#138

⇓

and actually do some digging and hauling and work for me.

#139

⇓

In Jesus' name, amen.

#140

⇓

That's a good prayer.

#141

⇓

Get your ass back to work now.

#142

⇓

You know what? I might need to get me my money back.

#143

⇓

Ain't nothing worse than a slave who can't churn butter.

#144

⇓

Me and my family have been eating dry toast for a month.

#145

⇓

That's nothin'.

#146

⇓

My house been chilly for weeks

#147

⇓

'cause none of my negroes can chop wood to save their goddamn lives.

#148

⇓

- Mm. - Yeah, well, that ain't shit.

#149

⇓

No matter what I do,

#150

⇓

no matter what I try,

#151

⇓

mine just keep rearranging my furniture.

#152

⇓

Started with a chair, then my chifforobe.

#153

⇓

That was there.

#154

⇓

Next, it's the whole goddamn parlor.

#155

⇓

Hm.

#156

⇓

Saying the color palette clashes with the drapes.

#157

⇓

How fucking dare he?

#158

⇓

Yeah, uh...

#159

⇓

Oh. I almost forgot.

#160

⇓

Well, the other morning, I walked into my kitchen.

#161

⇓

One of my little jibbity bugs

#162

⇓

had the audacity to be singing one of his little songs in my house.

#163

⇓

- One of his spirituals, "Amazing..." - "Amazing Grace."

#164

⇓

- That's the one. - Amazing bullshit!

#165

⇓

Mm-hmm. That and the daddy song.

#166

⇓

The daddy song?

#167

⇓

The daddy song.

#168

⇓

Mm, no.

#169

⇓

You know, the goddamn daddy song?

#170

⇓

Where they take you out there by the water with the picnic, and they spin around,

#171

⇓

and they start doing the, you know...

#172

⇓

You are my daddy, I love my daddy

#173

⇓

It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy

#174

⇓

I love all you, 'cause you're my daddy

#175

⇓

It's all for you 'Cause you're my baby

#176

⇓

You are my baby, I love my daddy

#177

⇓

I mean, goddamn. How much do you love your daddy

#178

⇓

to make a whole goddamn song about him like that?

#179

⇓

I guess it's kinda nice, but all day long?

#180

⇓

I don't have time for this shit.

#181

⇓

I mean, I enjoy his company,

#182

⇓

but it's too much of a commitment, you know?

#183

⇓

- Okay. - Yeah, um...

#184

⇓

Oh! Y'all not gonna believe this.

#185

⇓

One of them coal crawlers had the gall to talk back to me.

#186

⇓

Boy, I cracked that whip so hard, they heard it all the way down in Biloxi.

#187

⇓

Ooh, I know all about that.

#188

⇓

I whipped one of mine so hard, the boy started moaning.

#189

⇓

Oh yeah.

#190

⇓

Moaning?

#191

⇓

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

#192

⇓

Moaning like how?

#193

⇓

Sort of like...

#194

⇓

"Oh yeah."

#195

⇓

"Oh, I'm close, daddy. Can you give me one more?"

#196

⇓

"Ooh."

#197

⇓

"Yeah, I like that."

#198

⇓

"I've been bad for you today."

#199

⇓

"Please, please."

#200

⇓

"One more. One more so I can release..."

#201

⇓

You know?

#202

⇓

Like that.

#203

⇓

I whipped him so hard, the boy's nut hit the floor.

#204

⇓

His seed hit the floor.

#205

⇓

- He came on the floor. - No, no, no, we heard you, Murphy.

#206

⇓

All your boys be doin' this?

#207

⇓

No, just one of 'em.

#208

⇓

Hey, uh, you ever think that maybe...

#209

⇓

Nah, never mind.

#210

⇓

What?

#211

⇓

Murphy, uh,

#212

⇓

I think your boy might be... a little sweet.

#213

⇓

Sweet?

#214

⇓

Like, how?

#215

⇓

I ain't no doctor,

#216

⇓

but I have heard that sometimes men can prefer the company of other men.

#217

⇓

I prefer the company of other men.

#218

⇓

No one hates women as much as me.

#219

⇓

No. No, I don't think that's what he means, Murphy.

#220

⇓

I'm saying, I think your boy may favor menfolk for his fornications.

#221

⇓

You got yourself a fella-fucker.

#222

⇓

Murphy, think long and hard.

#223

⇓

Have you noticed anything else funny?

#224

⇓

No, I don't think so.

#225

⇓

Mm! So warm.

#226

⇓

Your hands are so soft for a man.

#227

⇓

Scrub my hole now.

#228

⇓

- Any funny business with your daughter? - My daughter?

#229

⇓

And if she ever show her face, you best know I'm gonna say something.

#230

⇓

Ooh, girl, stop! You crazy.

#231

⇓

- Just a little bit. - She look like a pretty horse.

#232

⇓

Hi, Daddy!

#233

⇓

No, but she kind of fat anyway.

#234

⇓

I don't think negroes enjoy the company of heavyset white women, right?

#235

⇓

My goodness. This is lovely.

#236

⇓

You made this?

#237

⇓

- I made it for you. - I feel like prancing.

#238

⇓

I'm not sure on the marble.

#239

⇓

It's between the Calacatta and the Danby for me.

#240

⇓

I prefer the Danby. It's local, from Vermont.

#241

⇓

I love that.

#242

⇓

What the hell is an open floor plan?

#243

⇓

- I know you sure as hell don't know. - What?!

#244

⇓

- Relax. - Okay.

#245

⇓

You, for one, do not tell me when to relax.

#246

⇓

I relax when I want to relax.

#247

⇓

I'm going to relax.

#248

⇓

I mean, I think it's pretty cut and dry, Murphy.

#249

⇓

The boy ejaculated when you whipped him.

#250

⇓

I think Murphy's got himself a boyfriend!

#251

⇓

- No, I-- No, I don't. - His moon donkey's a sugarfoot!

#252

⇓

That's not true.

#253

⇓

Y'all are sitting around reading poetry to each other by candlelight.

#254

⇓

- I like poetry. - I bet you do!

#255

⇓

Y'all reading the same books, then talking about what's in the books?

#256

⇓

He's in a domestic partnership!

#257

⇓

Murphy, you are a dumb motherfucker!

#258

⇓

Here are your papers.

#259

⇓

Now take your shit and get your fella-fuckin' ass up north.

#260

⇓

- I don't want no part of this business. - Baby.

#261

⇓

I don't want to be free if it means I can't be with you no more.

#262

⇓

- Please, baby-- - No.

#263

⇓

No! Gross!

#264

⇓

Everybody made fun of me, and they laughed.

#265

⇓

And they called me "the darkie diddler." I thought we were friends.

#266

⇓

Jerry and Thomas, they think I'm sweet.

#267

⇓

I ain't sweet. I hate everybody. And you was the only friend I ever had.

#268

⇓

And now I hate you too. You think I like that? I don't.

#269

⇓

And I ain't no diddler.

#270

⇓

So take your ass, and go up north where they diddle all day. Go! Shoo!

#271

⇓

Get out of here! Get!

#272

⇓

Go diddle up north, you hear? Yankees love that shit.

#273

⇓

Go!

#274

⇓

A man and another man? To use that hole...

#275

⇓

What a dumb motherfucker.

#276

⇓

I can't believe that shit worked.

#277

⇓

Virgil a goddamn genius.

#278

⇓

- Come on, baby. - Okay.

#279

⇓

I'mma take your big ass up north with me.

#280

⇓

Anything you say, chocolate daddy.

#281

⇓

Hey, Master Murphy.

#282

⇓

Oh really? You think this is funny, huh?

#283

⇓

How about you bend over,

#284

⇓

and you stick your pole into his dirt hole and let's see what happens.

#285

⇓

That's what I fuckin' thought. Get your ass back to work.

#286

⇓

- Come on. What is that? - Hey, man. You ain't commit, bro.

#287

⇓

We said we were gonna kiss.

#288

⇓

It's always the same shit, you know?

#289

⇓

Like, it's people who are just deciding that they're upset for whatever reason.

#290

⇓

I have no idea.

#291

⇓

And I don't think I've done anything to elicit that response.

#292

⇓

I'm just the one who happens to be caught in the moment

#293

⇓

when somebody is there trying to explode

#294

⇓

or vent their own frustrations about their own lives on me.

#295

⇓

I think it's bullshit, you know?

#296

⇓

Okay. I hear you.

#297

⇓

Can you pinpoint a recent moment where you lost control?

#298

⇓

I didn't lose control.

#299

⇓

I was provoked.

#300

⇓

You said this incident has been sitting with you.

#301

⇓

'Cause it's the same thing every day.

#302

⇓

Different face. Same entitled rich guy.

#303

⇓

Why don't you take me through what happened?

#304

⇓

Gladly.

#305

⇓

Sure.

#306

⇓

Hi, how's it going?

#307

⇓

Hello, you poor old bitch.

#308

⇓

No, that bag is not going on my plane.

#309

⇓

Oh, I'm sorry, sir,

#310

⇓

and I apologize in advance for the inconvenience,

#311

⇓

but we are gonna have to check your carry-on.

#312

⇓

...motherfucker...

#313

⇓

She zeroed in on me like she'd been waiting all day for this motherfucker.

#314

⇓

He didn't hear a word I said after "no."

#315

⇓

I'm sorry. I don't understand.

#316

⇓

I've carried this luggage onto planes dozens of times.

#317

⇓

This is preposterous!

#318

⇓

How dare you be so ignorant and rude!

#319

⇓

Get your fat fucking bald white ass out of my fucking face,

#320

⇓

you fucking fat bitch boy!

#321

⇓

Again, I'm so sorry, sir, but due to weight and balance limits,

#322

⇓

we need to check your bag so the plane can take off safely.

#323

⇓

Is your Chinese ass really going to do this right now?

#324

⇓

Ma'am, I don't understand.

#325

⇓

Is your Chinese ass really gonna do this right now?

#326

⇓

I'm sorry, sir, it's... it's really not up to me.

#327

⇓

Also, I'm Korean.

#328

⇓

I'm Korean, motherfucker! Korean! You ever hear of it?

#329

⇓

Now, unless you got a smaller bag inside that big-ass bag,

#330

⇓

I don't know what the fuck we are talking about!

#331

⇓

Do you? You have a smaller bag in that giant-ass bag?

#332

⇓

Let's check it out!

#333

⇓

Move over, bitch tits. Let's check it out.

#334

⇓

Let's check out if there is actually a smaller bag inside this big-ass bag!

#335

⇓

I don't think there's gonna be-- Oh no...!

#336

⇓

My name is Tom Segura. I'm at the airport.

#337

⇓

No, I do see this!

#338

⇓

And this vicious woman is violating my personal space.

#339

⇓

Smell like asshole to me!

#340

⇓

I'm gonna put this on Twitter.

#341

⇓

And if you take one more step, you will lose your job!

#342

⇓

Sir, please.

#343

⇓

It's for the safety of the other passengers.

#344

⇓

- Thief! - Okay, you know what?

#345

⇓

- You see a smaller bag in here? - Rape!

#346

⇓

- No, ma'am. - You see one? Do you, bitch boy?

#347

⇓

I don't.

#348

⇓

- I didn't think so, bitch-tit boy! - I feel violated!

#349

⇓

Fuck you, you little evil shit.

#350

⇓

I see. So, if you...

#351

⇓

- Oh, no. He wasn't done. - Oh, no. She wasn't done.

#352

⇓

Kept crowing at me like a bird.

#353

⇓

This piece of shit...

#354

⇓

Like a shitty bird with a shitty voice, you know?

#355

⇓

...was just getting started.

#356

⇓

The ones you shoot.

#357

⇓

Oh. Mm...

#358

⇓

Ma'am, I need you to speak English.

#359

⇓

Because if I'm being transparent right now,

#360

⇓

nothing you are saying is making any sense to me.

#361

⇓

Of course, sir.

#362

⇓

I can slow it down.

#363

⇓

Stop crying, you bitch boy!

#364

⇓

- Is that in your dialect? - Is that slow enough for you?

#365

⇓

- I'm guessing it's a South Pacific one. - Oh! Oh, you crying?!

#366

⇓

- That's nice. - Oh, you crying!

#367

⇓

Oh, this is so sad for you! Oh, everybody check it out!

#368

⇓

She doesn't know I'm rich.

#369

⇓

Oh, you crying, bitch boy?

#370

⇓

Oh, I need my mommy!

#371

⇓

- I need to suck on my mommy... - Nice touch.

#372

⇓

I'm in boat shoes, you Philistine.

#373

⇓

I'm not crying.

#374

⇓

This is the funniest thing to happen to me since my second abortion!

#375

⇓

And how did that make you feel?

#376

⇓

Bad.

#377

⇓

And what did you want in that moment?

#378

⇓

To not be treated like a problem for...

#379

⇓

- Following the rules. - Doing my job.

#380

⇓

Okay, I get that.

#381

⇓

So, after talking this all out,

#382

⇓

how do you think the other person may have felt?

#383

⇓

You think you're better than me?!

#384

⇓

I'm the white devil!

#385

⇓

Remember during COVID when everyone was shitting all over Asian people?

#386

⇓

Blaming it on you guys? That wasn't me. I didn't do that. I went to a march.

#387

⇓

And I... And I posted. I posted a yellow square.

#388

⇓

I know, sir.

#389

⇓

Thank you for flying Delta.

#390

⇓

Okay. That's our time.

#391

⇓

So, how are you feeling right now as we end?

#392

⇓

Whatever.

#393

⇓

- Fine. - I wish these sessions were longer.

#394

⇓

Can't believe this shit's $400 an hour.

#395

⇓

What a fucking baby.

#396

⇓

What a little bitch.

#397

⇓

Next!

#398

⇓

- Hi. - Hi.

#399

⇓

I was wondering, are they serving a meal on this flight?

#400

⇓

Yes, for first-class passengers.

#401

⇓

- Great, thanks. - Yeah.

#402

⇓

Oh, um, I'm sorry, sir.

#403

⇓

We're gonna need to check your bag.

#404

⇓

- Really? - Yeah.

#405

⇓

Are you sure? I always travel with this.

#406

⇓

- Leave it there. I'll take care of it. - Okay.

#407

⇓

Thanks.

#408

⇓

Thanks.

#409

⇓

This is for you

#410

⇓

I love my daddy

#411

⇓

It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy

#412

⇓

This is for you

#413

⇓

I love my daddy

#414

⇓

It's all for you 'Cause you're my daddy

#415

⇓

This is for you

#416

⇓

'Cause you're my daddy

#417

⇓

Do you like it?

#418

⇓