Home » Community » S01E11 — The Politics of Human Sexuality

Community

Season 1, Episode 11 — The Politics of Human Sexuality

[♪♪♪]

#1

⇓

I booked a sketch artist,

#2

⇓

an improv troupe,

#3

⇓

and a laser projecting

#4

⇓

a burning pelvis

#5

⇓

This isn't

#8

⇓

awareness fair.

#11

⇓

Annie.

#13

⇓

Oh, STD fair, guys.

#14

⇓

Catch knowledge.

#15

⇓

Mm-mm.

#16

⇓

than me?

#18

⇓

You stick to quoting movie

#20

⇓

lines, I'll stick to sports.

#21

⇓

Well, you're not moving

#24

⇓

into sports.

#25

⇓

You and I are playing

#26

⇓

real basketball, right now.

#27

⇓

Sounds fun.

#28

⇓

No, it doesn't.

#29

⇓

And it won't be.

#30

⇓

Sorry, not interested

#32

⇓

in ignoring your

#33

⇓

very important cause.

#34

⇓

Hi, I'm Jeff Winger.

#35

⇓

Oh, Sabrina is my

#36

⇓

new secretary.

#37

⇓

Oh, gender saved.

#42

⇓

My casual friend

#43

⇓

and I

#44

⇓

gonna have

#45

⇓

a non-romantic breakfast

#46

⇓

if you'd like to join us.

#47

⇓

Fortune cookie?

#49

⇓

to catch a case of

#52

⇓

public-health fever.

#53

⇓

Because they keep

#57

⇓

getting stolen.

#58

⇓

Sabrina,

#59

⇓

take a note.

#60

⇓

I want hidden cameras

#61

⇓

in every stall.

#62

⇓

Problem solved.

#63

⇓

"You will get AIDS."

#64

⇓

"Unless you go

#66

⇓

to the STD fair."

#67

⇓

I wrote that.

#68

⇓

Congratu-- Horrible.

#69

⇓

See you later.

#70

⇓

Catch knowledge.

#71

⇓

PLAYING]

#73

⇓

♪ I can't count the reasons

#74

⇓

I should stay ♪

#75

⇓

Jeff,

#76

⇓

Okay.

#78

⇓

I have a new girlfriend.

#82

⇓

She is super-smart,

#83

⇓

if you know what I mean.

#84

⇓

You know, when you

#87

⇓

catch a big fish,

#88

⇓

you wanna stuff her

#89

⇓

and put her on the mantle.

#90

⇓

I doubt it.

#92

⇓

Don't gloat.

#94

⇓

It's impossible

#95

⇓

to guard you.

#96

⇓

Your eyes are too

#97

⇓

gentle and mysterious.

#98

⇓

BOTH: Ooh!

#102

⇓

You got that

#103

⇓

from "I doubt it"?

#104

⇓

Pierce has got

#105

⇓

a girlfriend.

#106

⇓

She's an escort.

#108

⇓

Oh.

#109

⇓

Some mysteries

#110

⇓

solve themselves.

#111

⇓

She doesn't escort me.

#113

⇓

No, no.

#114

⇓

And I'm taking Doreen

#116

⇓

to Annie's mixer tonight.

#117

⇓

Catch knowledge.

#119

⇓

Taking a call girl

#120

⇓

to an STD fair?

#121

⇓

There's a joke here.

#122

⇓

So, Jeff, dust off that

#123

⇓

black book

#124

⇓

and rustle up a honey.

#125

⇓

Is there a pill that

#126

⇓

BOTH:

#130

⇓

Ooh.

#131

⇓

I'm sure you're right.

#132

⇓

BOTH:

#133

⇓

Ooh.

#134

⇓

Jeff,

#137

⇓

for your feather flashing,

#138

⇓

when was the last time

#139

⇓

you scored?

#140

⇓

So there's no receipt.

#143

⇓

Ehh.

#145

⇓

Oh, come on.

#146

⇓

You shouldn't take pot shots

#147

⇓

at some woman

#148

⇓

just because you can't

#149

⇓

get a date.

#150

⇓

I can get dates

#151

⇓

any time I want.

#152

⇓

No, this is.

#154

⇓

"Don't eat the crab dip."

#155

⇓

Yeah.

#156

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#157

⇓

Ahh! You hear that,

#158

⇓

Annie?

#159

⇓

That's the sound

#160

⇓

of STDs screaming,

#161

⇓

"No. Stop being

#163

⇓

so aware of us."

#164

⇓

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

#165

⇓

And it's all thanks to you.

#166

⇓

Well, in recognition

#169

⇓

of all your hard work,

#170

⇓

I have decided that

#171

⇓

you should conduct

#172

⇓

the condom demonstration.

#173

⇓

You're gonna be center stage

#174

⇓

showing everyone

#175

⇓

how to put a condom

#176

⇓

on a, uh--

#177

⇓

Well, what my dad called

#178

⇓

a Jimmy Carter.

#179

⇓

Um, I don't know

#180

⇓

Don't worry.

#182

⇓

Not a real one.

#183

⇓

No, it's an anatomically

#184

⇓

correct model, you know.

#185

⇓

But trust me, eyes closed,

#186

⇓

Mmm. Okay.

#188

⇓

[WHIMPERS]

#189

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#190

⇓

[LINE RINGING]

#191

⇓

Hey, it's Jeff Winger.

#192

⇓

Well, I wanted to see

#193

⇓

Do I know your name?

#195

⇓

Of course I know.

#197

⇓

Well, if I answer now,

#198

⇓

you'll never learn

#199

⇓

Jennifer.

#201

⇓

Crap. Ugh.

#202

⇓

Pierce really

#203

⇓

got to you, huh?

#204

⇓

It has been a dry spell.

#205

⇓

Yeah, I can see that.

#208

⇓

"Car Wash Redhead."

#210

⇓

"Tube Top R.E.M. Concert."

#211

⇓

"Juror Number 6."

#212

⇓

That sounds aboveboard.

#213

⇓

Dude, not cool.

#216

⇓

You saying "dude"

#217

⇓

is not cool.

#218

⇓

What are you doing?

#219

⇓

[BRITTA CHUCKLES]

#221

⇓

You're welcome.

#223

⇓

This is the phone book

#224

⇓

of a man in his 20s.

#225

⇓

The women literally

#226

⇓

have no identities.

#227

⇓

It's pretty shallow.

#228

⇓

You're right.

#229

⇓

I can't believe I haven't

#230

⇓

seen it before now.

#231

⇓

Whatever. I'm gonna go

#232

⇓

study with Shirley.

#233

⇓

Well, I'll be here,

#234

⇓

rethinking my way of life.

#235

⇓

Mm.

#236

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#237

⇓

Call "Mommy."

#238

⇓

Guys, I have a problem.

#239

⇓

Well,

#248

⇓

Do you have a banana?

#250

⇓

model I'll be handling.

#252

⇓

Real whatchamacallits

#253

⇓

are nothing like bananas.

#254

⇓

Are they?

#255

⇓

Shh!

#257

⇓

Annie, being a virgin

#258

⇓

in this day and age

#259

⇓

is something to be proud of.

#260

⇓

You're like a unicorn.

#261

⇓

We did it

#265

⇓

on the floor

#267

⇓

look at it.

#270

⇓

He's gay now.

#272

⇓

[WHISPERS]

#273

⇓

He was gay then.

#274

⇓

So you never seen one

#275

⇓

when you were growing up?

#276

⇓

Like, on the Internet, in a

#277

⇓

picture, or Harvey Keitel's?

#278

⇓

on the actual model.

#282

⇓

But the dean has

#283

⇓

it locked in his office.

#284

⇓

No. I--

#287

⇓

and get it over with.

#291

⇓

and I want him to know

#293

⇓

I have no problem

#297

⇓

with that.

#298

⇓

BRITTA:

#299

⇓

I think I could do that.

#300

⇓

[CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING

#301

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#302

⇓

Hi, Pierce.

#304

⇓

I was just going

#305

⇓

into the fair

#306

⇓

to wait for my

#307

⇓

smoking-hot date.

#308

⇓

How about you?

#310

⇓

Uh, were you ever able to,

#311

⇓

No, no,

#313

⇓

because taking a date

#315

⇓

Don't worry about it,

#317

⇓

kid.

#318

⇓

What you're going through

#319

⇓

is a dry spell.

#320

⇓

From my experience,

#321

⇓

they don't last any more

#322

⇓

than 12, 13 years.

#323

⇓

Excuse me.

#324

⇓

Yes, on single.

#335

⇓

She likes hip-hop and horses.

#336

⇓

Dislikes beards--

#337

⇓

I was done talking.

#338

⇓

Is it me or are horses

#339

⇓

the most beautiful creatures?

#340

⇓

Totally.

#342

⇓

Do you own a horse?

#347

⇓

Can you ever really

#348

⇓

own a horse?

#349

⇓

Yeah?

#351

⇓

This is Sabrina.

#352

⇓

Thirty seconds

#353

⇓

after you walked away,

#354

⇓

I asked her to be my date

#355

⇓

and she said yes.

#356

⇓

You must have a great

#357

⇓

personality.

#358

⇓

Thank you.

#359

⇓

Jeff, you proved me wrong.

#360

⇓

You got a girl.

#361

⇓

Oh.

#363

⇓

This is Doreen.

#364

⇓

Yes, I am.

#366

⇓

Wait, how'd you do that?

#367

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#368

⇓

Is this the best safe-sex

#369

⇓

fair or what?

#370

⇓

Check out these condoms.

#371

⇓

All along the side

#372

⇓

it says, "Greendale!"

#373

⇓

Exclamation point,

#374

⇓

my idea.

#375

⇓

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

#376

⇓

Wow. Me,

#377

⇓

in a dune buggy,

#378

⇓

with syphilis.

#379

⇓

Doreen is tonight.

#382

⇓

Hey, can we--?

#383

⇓

for the evening.

#385

⇓

You wingman me,

#386

⇓

I wingman you.

#387

⇓

Maybe we split up

#388

⇓

for a little hoo-ha

#389

⇓

for eggs and details.

#391

⇓

That sounds like the worst

#392

⇓

combination plate ever.

#393

⇓

Argh!

#395

⇓

I can't believe

#396

⇓

you beat me again.

#397

⇓

Do you want

#398

⇓

my stuffed animal?

#399

⇓

We're arm wrestling.

#400

⇓

[GRUNTS]

#401

⇓

The rules are, "You suck."

#404

⇓

Let's go.

#405

⇓

I wanna wait for a more

#406

⇓

inspiring song.

#407

⇓

This score isn't right.

#408

⇓

There we go.

#409

⇓

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING

#410

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#411

⇓

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

#412

⇓

[YELLING]

#413

⇓

Oh, my God.

#414

⇓

You broke my hand,

#415

⇓

you bastard.

#416

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#417

⇓

I can't do anything

#418

⇓

with this.

#419

⇓

[BRITTA AND ANNIE GASP]

#423

⇓

SHIRLEY:

#424

⇓

Oh, yeah, thar she blows.

#425

⇓

I wanna see, I wanna see.

#426

⇓

Go ahead.

#428

⇓

It's okay.

#432

⇓

Oh, boy.

#433

⇓

Oh, I had it wrong.

#434

⇓

Is that considered large?

#435

⇓

Yes.

#437

⇓

What in the reverse Porky's

#438

⇓

is going on here?

#439

⇓

You know, Doreen

#440

⇓

speaks six languages.

#441

⇓

You should hear her

#442

⇓

order wine in French.

#443

⇓

Hey, honey, say,

#444

⇓

"Cabernet sauvigonenon."

#445

⇓

You know a lot

#447

⇓

about wine?

#448

⇓

Honey, you're boring

#453

⇓

the crap out of Jeff.

#454

⇓

Be right back.

#455

⇓

I have to make tinkles.

#456

⇓

Well, then, I'm gonna go

#457

⇓

get us another round.

#458

⇓

You know,

#459

⇓

you are not what I expected.

#460

⇓

They're in the shop.

#463

⇓

You know,

#464

⇓

despite what people think,

#465

⇓

I actually spend

#466

⇓

most of my time talking.

#467

⇓

spend time with someone

#469

⇓

they can have a real

#470

⇓

conversation with.

#471

⇓

That is going to suck.

#472

⇓

"Going to," Jeff?

#473

⇓

Come on, Sabrina's cute,

#474

⇓

but she thinks that

#475

⇓

Monty Python

#476

⇓

is the evil snake

#477

⇓

from Harry Potter.

#478

⇓

Trust me,

#479

⇓

who are way more annoying.

#481

⇓

I will take "tinkles"

#482

⇓

over

#483

⇓

"we need to talk" every time.

#484

⇓

Hey, babe.

#485

⇓

Ready to show me

#486

⇓

that Lexus?

#487

⇓

Doreen,

#489

⇓

it was very nice

#490

⇓

to meet you.

#491

⇓

Here.

#493

⇓

Oh, they already left?

#494

⇓

What a couple of nincompoops.

#495

⇓

Uh, before I buy dinner,

#496

⇓

I have to ask.

#497

⇓

Is there any lovemaking

#498

⇓

on the table?

#499

⇓

200 bucks.

#507

⇓

That is a pretty

#508

⇓

big discount.

#509

⇓

♪ In the middle

#510

⇓

Of the darkest night ♪

#511

⇓

♪ I see a light shining ♪

#512

⇓

♪ Right into your eyes ♪

#513

⇓

♪ I lose control

#514

⇓

Again and again ♪

#515

⇓

I had no idea alcohol

#516

⇓

would make people horny.

#517

⇓

It makes me sleepy.

#518

⇓

I don't--

#519

⇓

Yeah.

#521

⇓

597? There's a dog-fighting

#524

⇓

ring in my office?

#525

⇓

No.

#526

⇓

I'm gonna turn him around

#527

⇓

Okay, ladies,

#529

⇓

I am shocked

#530

⇓

I don't see

#534

⇓

what the big deal is.

#535

⇓

Annie needed to look

#536

⇓

at the model of the pen--

#537

⇓

Okay, the P-word

#538

⇓

record, to ensure

#544

⇓

we discuss

#545

⇓

manner.

#548

⇓

I think everyone

#549

⇓

should say "penis"

#550

⇓

so we can take away

#551

⇓

Yeah? So everybody.

#553

⇓

who won't say "penis."

#561

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#562

⇓

so express yourself.

#564

⇓

You know what?

#565

⇓

I don't want

#566

⇓

to express myself.

#567

⇓

I don't wanna sit

#568

⇓

in a room full of people

#569

⇓

and say...

#570

⇓

the P-word.

#571

⇓

I like being repressed.

#572

⇓

I am totally comfortable

#573

⇓

being uncomfortable

#574

⇓

with my sexuality.

#575

⇓

And maybe, just maybe,

#576

⇓

if everyone were

#577

⇓

a little more like me,

#578

⇓

we wouldn't have

#579

⇓

to have an STD fair.

#580

⇓

Mm-hm.

#583

⇓

was about.

#587

⇓

Whoop-dee-doo!

#589

⇓

[DOOR OPENS

#590

⇓

THEN CLOSES]

#591

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#592

⇓

[SABRINA GASPS AND MOANS]

#593

⇓

[PHONE VIBRATES]

#594

⇓

You have a really

#595

⇓

awesome body.

#596

⇓

You probably hear that

#597

⇓

all the time.

#598

⇓

Not as much

#599

⇓

as I should.

#600

⇓

[SABRINA MOANS]

#601

⇓

Professor.

#602

⇓

What?

#603

⇓

But you're at Greendale

#605

⇓

and you're old.

#606

⇓

I'm a student.

#607

⇓

Yikers.

#608

⇓

Well, I guess I can make

#611

⇓

an exception, professor.

#612

⇓

[MOANS]

#613

⇓

You know,

#614

⇓

I can't do this.

#615

⇓

What?

#616

⇓

But this is your car.

#617

⇓

Keep it.

#618

⇓

But--

#619

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#620

⇓

Yes, yes, yes.

#621

⇓

Yes! How do you like

#622

⇓

those apples?

#623

⇓

Troy.

#628

⇓

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

#629

⇓

OVER SPEAKERS]

#630

⇓

Shut up, Ben.

#634

⇓

MAN:

#635

⇓

[ALL LAUGHING]

#637

⇓

Dude,

#639

⇓

these are leaking.

#640

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#641

⇓

CHANG:

#642

⇓

Oh, my God.

#643

⇓

That's why you don't

#644

⇓

print things on condoms.

#645

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#648

⇓

Oh, man.

#649

⇓

Troy,

#650

⇓

and make an announcement

#654

⇓

before everyone leaves.

#655

⇓

Dean, I am not the best

#656

⇓

athlete on campus.

#657

⇓

Abed is.

#658

⇓

I know you let me win

#659

⇓

the race.

#660

⇓

That's because...

#662

⇓

I wanted it to be true.

#663

⇓

No, Abed.

#665

⇓

For the love of God, run!

#667

⇓

Okay.

#668

⇓

TROY:

#669

⇓

Go, Abed, go.

#670

⇓

Before people

#671

⇓

sex one another.

#672

⇓

[CROWD CHATTERING]

#673

⇓

There he is.

#674

⇓

Back already.

#675

⇓

Detail time?

#676

⇓

I stopped.

#677

⇓

I think this place

#680

⇓

Oh, it's not Greendale,

#682

⇓

Jeff, it's you.

#683

⇓

You're becoming more mature.

#684

⇓

A man reaches a point

#685

⇓

in his life

#686

⇓

where he stops looking for

#687

⇓

a place to hang his underwear

#688

⇓

and starts looking

#689

⇓

for a place to hang his hat.

#690

⇓

Oh, I'm sorry.

#691

⇓

inappropriate or racist.

#693

⇓

Oh, uh,

#696

⇓

she said if I wanted to

#697

⇓

continue, I'd have to pay.

#698

⇓

Oh, man,

#699

⇓

that is rough.

#700

⇓

No, it was

#701

⇓

a wake-up call.

#702

⇓

Doreen is a special lady.

#703

⇓

I did not treat her right.

#704

⇓

I have stuff to work on,

#705

⇓

you know?

#706

⇓

You'll get there.

#707

⇓

We're both gonna get there.

#708

⇓

Here's to being better men.

#709

⇓

Cheers.

#710

⇓

So can I borrow 200 bucks?

#711

⇓

You know, for 220,

#713

⇓

I can get--

#714

⇓

Now I can get it twice.

#717

⇓

Ah, college.

#718

⇓

Best years of our lives.

#719

⇓

[THE FRATELLIS'

#720

⇓

Oop.

#722

⇓

♪ So if you're lonely ♪

#723

⇓

♪ Why'd you say

#724

⇓

You're not lonely ♪

#725

⇓

♪ Oh, you're a silly girl ♪

#726

⇓

♪ I know I hurt you so ♪

#727

⇓

♪ It's just like you

#728

⇓

To come and go ♪

#729

⇓

♪ And know me... ♪

#730

⇓

ABED [OVER PA]:

#731

⇓

Don't use the condoms.

#733

⇓

If you're going to have sex

#734

⇓

tonight, don't use condoms.

#735

⇓

[ABED PANTING]

#736

⇓

♪ A girl like

#737

⇓

You's just irresistible ♪

#738

⇓

to donate or accept a proton

#740

⇓

"cannot be quantified

#741

⇓

for individual species.

#742

⇓

"Comparing two

#743

⇓

donor-acceptor systems,

#744

⇓

the proton transposition

#745

⇓

HA plus H2O..."

#746

⇓

Yeah, Troy?

#748

⇓

of water?

#750

⇓

Mm, Sure.

#751

⇓