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Season 1, Episode 12 — Comparative Religion
Happy last day before
#2
⇓
winter break.
#3
⇓
Some of you will travel
#5
⇓
as far as three miles.
#6
⇓
Don't forget to visit our
#7
⇓
winter wonderland,
#8
⇓
where we're giving away
#9
⇓
catalogues
#10
⇓
Mr. Winter
#22
⇓
is on his way
#23
⇓
[GRUNTS]
#25
⇓
[CHUCKLING]
#30
⇓
PCness. Now I get it.
#31
⇓
Well, it's still Christmas
#34
⇓
to all of us.
#35
⇓
And I made you all
#36
⇓
a little gift,
#37
⇓
because you're like
#38
⇓
my new family.
#39
⇓
If that stands for
#41
⇓
"What would Billy Joel do?"
#42
⇓
I'll tell you right now,
#43
⇓
Oh, well,
#54
⇓
thank you, Shirley.
#55
⇓
closest to my heart.
#57
⇓
you put them on.
#59
⇓
Everybody put them on.
#60
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#61
⇓
Hey. Hey.
#62
⇓
You took all
#63
⇓
the Winter-Doodles.
#64
⇓
What are you, a douche bag?
#65
⇓
I have a tree-nut allergy.
#69
⇓
Stay away from
#70
⇓
Ha-ha-ha! That did not
#72
⇓
even make allergic sense.
#73
⇓
What are you, an idiot?
#74
⇓
Oh, look at that.
#78
⇓
Pretty boy,
#79
⇓
standing up for bird-face
#80
⇓
over here.
#81
⇓
Give me a Winter-Doodle.
#82
⇓
by its name.
#85
⇓
Oh, you're funny,
#86
⇓
you're a funny man.
#87
⇓
Wanna hear
#88
⇓
something funny?
#89
⇓
Knock, knock.
#90
⇓
My fist up your balls.
#91
⇓
Who's there?
#92
⇓
PELTON:
#93
⇓
Ho, ho, ho!
#94
⇓
Merry happy.
#95
⇓
This ain't over.
#96
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#97
⇓
Still waiting on
#100
⇓
those cookies, Abed.
#101
⇓
PLAYING]
#103
⇓
♪ Give me some more
#104
⇓
Time in a dream ♪
#105
⇓
♪ Give me the hope
#106
⇓
To run out of steam ♪
#107
⇓
♪ Somebody said
#108
⇓
It can be here ♪
#109
⇓
♪ We could be roped up
#110
⇓
Tied up dead in a year ♪
#111
⇓
♪ I can't count the reasons
#112
⇓
I should stay ♪
#113
⇓
♪ One by one they all
#114
⇓
Just fade away ♪
#115
⇓
Jeff protected my honor.
#116
⇓
It was like My Bodyguard,
#117
⇓
but I was the kid
#118
⇓
from Meatballs,
#119
⇓
Jeff was from
#120
⇓
Full Metal Jacket,
#121
⇓
of the guy in Entourage.
#123
⇓
I'm over 23.
#132
⇓
I'm proud of you for
#133
⇓
boy. Heh-heh-heh.
#136
⇓
Let's see them.
#138
⇓
Nonsense. Men were wired
#139
⇓
to fight each other
#140
⇓
so women could choose
#141
⇓
the right mate.
#142
⇓
No, the real reason
#143
⇓
men fight is to release
#144
⇓
their pent-up gayness.
#145
⇓
That guy wasn't gay,
#146
⇓
he had a mustache.
#147
⇓
Are we cramming
#149
⇓
for Spanish or not?
#150
⇓
I need a 65
#151
⇓
[GASPS]
#153
⇓
credit if you knew
#155
⇓
[WHISPERS]
#156
⇓
that you were failing?
#157
⇓
Quick question.
#161
⇓
Are you all coming to my
#162
⇓
or are you stopping home
#164
⇓
to change into
#165
⇓
your Christmas outfits?
#166
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#167
⇓
I guess I could wear
#168
⇓
Ah. Annie, I didn't know
#170
⇓
Yep, one might
#172
⇓
even say I'm Jewish.
#173
⇓
Oh, that's good for you.
#174
⇓
That's wonderful.
#175
⇓
I respect all religions
#176
⇓
of the world.
#177
⇓
Jehovah's Witness.
#179
⇓
The Lord is testing me.
#181
⇓
conflict, can we please--?
#183
⇓
I'm agnostic.
#185
⇓
[ALL BOOING]
#186
⇓
Oh!
#190
⇓
in my friend's hot tub.
#192
⇓
in my Buddhist community.
#194
⇓
That does not sound like
#195
⇓
Buddhism.
#196
⇓
You sure
#197
⇓
you're not in a cult?
#198
⇓
Just by asking me
#199
⇓
that question,
#200
⇓
you put me back down
#201
⇓
to a level four.
#202
⇓
You now owe me
#203
⇓
2000 Energon Cubes.
#204
⇓
Do you know how foolish
#205
⇓
you sound right now?
#206
⇓
What else do you believe in,
#207
⇓
blood transfusions?
#208
⇓
of Christian, right, Troy?
#210
⇓
Yeah, but we don't celebrate
#211
⇓
birthdays or Christmas,
#212
⇓
and we can't drink.
#213
⇓
But it helps.
#214
⇓
You're like a Muslim.
#215
⇓
Assalamu alaikum.
#216
⇓
Shama-lama-ding-dong.
#217
⇓
Well, don't we have
#218
⇓
a diverse little family.
#219
⇓
to all faiths.
#221
⇓
I brought
#222
⇓
my Star of Bethlehem,
#223
⇓
which led the wise men
#224
⇓
And you guys can bring
#226
⇓
a little trinket
#227
⇓
or doodad from your
#228
⇓
philosophies. Sounds good?
#229
⇓
As an agnostic, I'm gonna
#230
⇓
bring my winning smile.
#231
⇓
[ALL GROANING]
#232
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#233
⇓
Ugh! So boring.
#234
⇓
Done. Hee, hee!
#235
⇓
Feliz navidad.
#236
⇓
"True or falso
#237
⇓
or none of the above?"
#238
⇓
[CHUCKLING]
#240
⇓
Hey, look at that,
#241
⇓
Forehead's taking a test.
#242
⇓
Why don't you get going,
#243
⇓
Chuck Norris?
#244
⇓
Did you just shoo me?
#245
⇓
already?
#247
⇓
down your throat.
#249
⇓
Señor Chang, can you do
#250
⇓
something about this?
#251
⇓
I'll allow it.
#252
⇓
Qué pasa here, huh?
#253
⇓
It's usted, dude.
#254
⇓
Even I know that.
#255
⇓
[LAUGHING]
#256
⇓
It's on.
#259
⇓
He's doing this for me.
#260
⇓
He's my bodyguard.
#261
⇓
To some show tunes?
#263
⇓
Three o'clock.
#273
⇓
where they're building
#278
⇓
the wheelchair ramp.
#279
⇓
Best exam ever.
#281
⇓
[LAUGHING]
#282
⇓
That guy's awesome.
#283
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#284
⇓
So help me, if that
#285
⇓
jerkweed made me fail.
#286
⇓
Well, I aced it, amigo.
#287
⇓
That means cousin.
#288
⇓
Uh, maybe you should
#292
⇓
just hang back.
#293
⇓
Shirley about the fight.
#296
⇓
No.
#300
⇓
because it gets me chicks.
#302
⇓
He used to be a nerd,
#304
⇓
now he's a meathead.
#305
⇓
Dangerous combo.
#306
⇓
Tyson, Lou Ferrigno,
#307
⇓
Rosie O'Donnell.
#308
⇓
You're a pretty big dude.
#309
⇓
You've probably got moves.
#310
⇓
Yeah, I got some theories.
#311
⇓
Technically, no.
#313
⇓
I guess I'm too charming
#314
⇓
Mm.
#317
⇓
been punched in the face?
#319
⇓
No, thank God.
#320
⇓
This is the moneymaker.
#321
⇓
But then I was like,
#324
⇓
"This is a story."
#325
⇓
Yeah.
#327
⇓
Every man should be
#328
⇓
punched in the face.
#329
⇓
It's a rite of passage.
#330
⇓
In my day, Friday night was
#331
⇓
smoke a doobie,
#332
⇓
feel up a gal
#333
⇓
and then get your teeth
#334
⇓
knocked out
#335
⇓
by a Republican.
#336
⇓
We have to teach Jeffrey
#342
⇓
how to fight.
#343
⇓
I know a few moves.
#344
⇓
Troy, I assume you're
#345
⇓
handy with a switchblade.
#346
⇓
try to find a chicken
#349
⇓
for Jeff to chase.
#350
⇓
Guys, I appreciate
#351
⇓
the enthusiasm,
#352
⇓
but I think I got this.
#353
⇓
MIKE:
#354
⇓
Oh, well, look who it is.
#355
⇓
We got Forehead, Old Head,
#356
⇓
See you at 3, Forehead.
#358
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#359
⇓
Give me a snowman, dork.
#360
⇓
See this, funny guy? Huh?
#361
⇓
[STUDENTS GASP]
#362
⇓
[LAUGHING]
#363
⇓
Huh?
#364
⇓
Classic Rosie.
#365
⇓
Fight lessons
#366
⇓
in a half an hour?
#367
⇓
Good plan.
#368
⇓
♪ Joy to the world
#369
⇓
The Lord is come ♪
#370
⇓
Hello.
#372
⇓
Oh! Is this your
#373
⇓
Hanukkah holder?
#374
⇓
It's, uh-- It's pretty.
#375
⇓
We'll just, uh--
#376
⇓
Let's just put it here.
#377
⇓
There we go.
#378
⇓
That's nice.
#379
⇓
So I can't believe
#380
⇓
I'd say the whole word
#382
⇓
next time.
#383
⇓
So do you think everyone
#384
⇓
will start arriving soon?
#385
⇓
I think they're gonna come
#386
⇓
after Jeff's fight.
#387
⇓
After Jeff's what, now?
#388
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#389
⇓
On Christmas?
#391
⇓
Can you finish
#394
⇓
the manger scene?
#395
⇓
What's up? What's up?
#397
⇓
What's up?
#401
⇓
he does not.
#405
⇓
Then you give them
#406
⇓
Oh, that's pretty good.
#408
⇓
Hold it. Then,
#411
⇓
I'm sick and tired of you
#415
⇓
In boxing, you fight for
#417
⇓
the purse and a belt.
#418
⇓
I've gotta write a paper
#419
⇓
about that.
#420
⇓
Let's see what
#421
⇓
we're working with.
#422
⇓
Go ahead,
#423
⇓
throw a few at the old paws.
#424
⇓
What are you?
#426
⇓
A North Korean seamstress?
#427
⇓
Get mad, come on!
#429
⇓
If it helps, think of me
#430
⇓
as somebody who annoys you.
#431
⇓
[GRUNTS]
#432
⇓
That's it. That's good.
#433
⇓
Britta,
#434
⇓
put your blouse back on.
#435
⇓
Ohh! Ow!
#436
⇓
This is not a game.
#437
⇓
Dude, that is not cool.
#439
⇓
Well, that foxy black girl
#440
⇓
thinks it is.
#441
⇓
Hm? Aah!
#442
⇓
What is going on?
#445
⇓
I couldn't think
#449
⇓
of another word.
#450
⇓
Idiot.
#451
⇓
He meant we were figh...
#452
⇓
...ting. It is hard to
#453
⇓
think of another word.
#454
⇓
to the most important day
#457
⇓
of the year.
#458
⇓
It's our Christmas.
#460
⇓
And I'm having a party.
#461
⇓
Due to my divorce,
#462
⇓
party I throw this year.
#465
⇓
Will you be there
#466
⇓
letting me down?
#468
⇓
I told him not to fight.
#469
⇓
He wouldn't listen.
#470
⇓
I don't know
#471
⇓
what that is.
#472
⇓
Jeffrey, I have two boys.
#473
⇓
And when we have
#474
⇓
a serious discussion,
#475
⇓
I find that a brownie
#476
⇓
helps them to relax.
#477
⇓
So why do you
#478
⇓
hate me and Jesus?
#479
⇓
I don't think
#480
⇓
Don't do something so ugly
#482
⇓
You think religion is stupid.
#485
⇓
Jeffrey, I forbid you
#498
⇓
from fighting.
#499
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#500
⇓
You're right, but if you
#503
⇓
show up for the fight,
#504
⇓
don't be mad.
#507
⇓
I'm not mad,
#508
⇓
I'm disappointed.
#509
⇓
That's Mom for mad.
#510
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#511
⇓
Oh, hash browns
#513
⇓
smell?
#516
⇓
Looks delicious.
#519
⇓
I'm guessing as a woman
#520
⇓
That's too bad.
#522
⇓
Oh, look, Britta brought
#523
⇓
what she believes in.
#524
⇓
Nothing.
#525
⇓
Where should I put
#526
⇓
my Buddha incense holder?
#527
⇓
I'm pretty sure
#528
⇓
that's a bong.
#529
⇓
Where's Jeff?
#530
⇓
I guess he made his choice.
#531
⇓
As I told Jeff,
#533
⇓
can come to my party.
#535
⇓
He's dead to me.
#536
⇓
And if any of you leave
#537
⇓
you'll be dead to me too.
#538
⇓
Let's sing.
#539
⇓
♪ Jesus is a friend of mine ♪
#541
⇓
Everybody.
#542
⇓
Come on, everybody.
#544
⇓
You don't know it?
#545
⇓
You're banning Jeff
#546
⇓
from the party?
#547
⇓
That doesn't seem
#548
⇓
very Christian.
#549
⇓
point of view
#551
⇓
coming from an atheist.
#552
⇓
I did my best to create
#553
⇓
a special Christmas
#554
⇓
for my one intact family.
#555
⇓
And, ahem,
#556
⇓
this is the thanks I get?
#557
⇓
Shirley, you are
#558
⇓
a guilt machine.
#559
⇓
Say the whole word.
#562
⇓
Jewie?
#563
⇓
You would never catch
#564
⇓
a Jehovah's Witness
#565
⇓
saying "Jewie."
#566
⇓
you never got.
#568
⇓
You know, there's an
#569
⇓
old Buddhist saying--
#570
⇓
You are not a Buddhist,
#571
⇓
you are in a cult.
#572
⇓
Suck it, Nietzsche.
#573
⇓
Guys, guys.
#577
⇓
Guys, guys,
#578
⇓
divide us like this?
#580
⇓
I think there's one thing
#581
⇓
we can all agree on.
#582
⇓
No, that we would all like
#584
⇓
to have Jeff at this party.
#585
⇓
BRITTA: Shirley.
#587
⇓
I get that this is
#588
⇓
your first Christmas
#589
⇓
And I don't know,
#591
⇓
maybe that's why
#592
⇓
you're being so stubborn,
#593
⇓
to recreate something
#595
⇓
that you're afraid
#596
⇓
that you've lost forever.
#597
⇓
But if you really want us
#598
⇓
to be your second family,
#599
⇓
then you've gotta start
#600
⇓
treating us like one.
#601
⇓
Even if that means
#602
⇓
supporting us
#603
⇓
when we do things
#604
⇓
that you don't agree with.
#605
⇓
And you can start
#606
⇓
by rooting for Jeff
#607
⇓
That's what I'm gonna do.
#610
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#611
⇓
The cranberry sauce
#612
⇓
has real cranberries.
#613
⇓
[♪♪♪]
#618
⇓
Oh, check him out. Ohh!
#620
⇓
What's up, dude?
#621
⇓
No backup today, huh?
#622
⇓
couldn't show up.
#624
⇓
Can I ask you a question?
#625
⇓
to the gym?
#627
⇓
Dude, my life is a gym.
#628
⇓
What's up, man?
#630
⇓
What's up? What's up?
#632
⇓
ALL:
#633
⇓
What's up? What's up?
#634
⇓
Whoa.
#635
⇓
All right.
#640
⇓
Dude, you wear a bracelet?
#641
⇓
So?
#644
⇓
I have a friend that believes
#646
⇓
this is the time of year
#647
⇓
where you put aside your
#648
⇓
differences and make peace.
#649
⇓
Me? I don't believe
#650
⇓
in any of that,
#651
⇓
but I do believe
#652
⇓
in friendship.
#653
⇓
And as much as I hate you
#654
⇓
and the cast of Breakin',
#655
⇓
I have to ask myself,
#656
⇓
what would Shirley do?
#657
⇓
[GRUNTS]
#658
⇓
What would Shirley do?
#660
⇓
I think that she would
#661
⇓
shake your hand
#662
⇓
[MIKE LAUGHS]
#665
⇓
Jeffrey.
#666
⇓
Kick his ass.
#667
⇓
Cavalry's here.
#668
⇓
Shirts off, boys.
#669
⇓
Come on,
#670
⇓
I'm being punk'd, right?
#671
⇓
Kick them. Come here.
#672
⇓
♪ You gave a kick
#675
⇓
I gave a slap ♪
#676
⇓
♪ You smashed a plate
#677
⇓
Over my head ♪
#678
⇓
[TROY YELLS]
#680
⇓
Ow!
#683
⇓
Not the moneymaker,
#684
⇓
not the moneymaker.
#685
⇓
Ow! Ow!
#686
⇓
You're welcome.
#687
⇓
SHIRLEY:
#688
⇓
♪ Sensible night ♪
#689
⇓
♪ Appropriate night ♪
#690
⇓
♪ Round yon purchase ♪
#693
⇓
♪ Of decorative things ♪
#694
⇓
♪ Tolerant rewrite ♪
#695
⇓
♪ Of carols to sing ♪
#696
⇓
♪ Function with relative ♪
#697
⇓
♪ Ease ♪
#698
⇓
♪ Function with relative ♪
#699
⇓
♪ Ease ♪
#700
⇓
Yeah.
#701
⇓
Thank you.
#702
⇓
Yeah.
#703
⇓
Yeah.
#704
⇓
Thank you.
#705
⇓
Thank you, I get it.
#706
⇓
Yes, it is I, Señor Chang.
#707
⇓
Shakira, hold this.
#708
⇓
So I have finished grading
#709
⇓
everyone's finals.
#710
⇓
And all of you
#711
⇓
are moving on.
#712
⇓
SHIRLEY: Yes.
#714
⇓
Yeah.
#716
⇓
Ha, ha. Except for Jeff.
#717
⇓
CHANG: It turns out, you--
#719
⇓
No!
#723
⇓
In Spanish 102, ha-ha-ha!
#724
⇓
And I'm the only
#726
⇓
Spanish teacher.
#727
⇓
Yay!
#728
⇓
I meant about Jeff passing.
#729
⇓
eh.
#731
⇓
Whoa.
#732
⇓
Actually, that was
#734
⇓
my present to Jeff.
#735
⇓
Ha, ha. I don't care.
#736
⇓
I got hit in the face, like,
#740
⇓
four times
#741
⇓
before you punched me.
#742
⇓
Pierce, thank you.
#745
⇓
when we fought
#748
⇓
those fly dancers.
#749
⇓
So, uh...
#750
⇓
SHIRLEY & ANNIE:
#751
⇓
Ooh!
#752
⇓
Actually, I was gonna say,
#755
⇓
"Merry semester and
#756
⇓
happy new one."
#757
⇓
[SHIRLEY GIGGLES]
#758
⇓
Okay, he's running out.
#762
⇓
He's running out.
#763
⇓
So brightly ♪
#767
⇓
♪ O Christmas Troy
#768
⇓
O Christmas Troy ♪
#769
⇓
♪ Much pleasure
#770
⇓
Thou canst give me ♪
#771
⇓
Why do you guys
#772
⇓
do stuff like this?
#773
⇓
Yeah.
#775
⇓
JEFF & ABED:
#776
⇓
♪ The sight of thee at
#777
⇓
Christmastide ♪
#778
⇓
Far and wide ♪
#780
⇓
ALL:
#781
⇓
♪ O Christmas Troy
#782
⇓
O Christmas Troy ♪
#783
⇓
♪ Thou tree most fair
#784
⇓
And lovely ♪
#785
⇓
Don't move.
#786
⇓
This nose smells
#787
⇓
like special drink.
#788
⇓
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