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Season 1, Episode 12 — Comparative Religion

Happy last day before

#2

⇓

winter break.

#3

⇓

Some of you will travel

#5

⇓

as far as three miles.

#6

⇓

Don't forget to visit our

#7

⇓

winter wonderland,

#8

⇓

where we're giving away

#9

⇓

catalogues

#10

⇓

Mr. Winter

#22

⇓

is on his way

#23

⇓

[GRUNTS]

#25

⇓

[CHUCKLING]

#30

⇓

PCness. Now I get it.

#31

⇓

Well, it's still Christmas

#34

⇓

to all of us.

#35

⇓

And I made you all

#36

⇓

a little gift,

#37

⇓

because you're like

#38

⇓

my new family.

#39

⇓

If that stands for

#41

⇓

"What would Billy Joel do?"

#42

⇓

I'll tell you right now,

#43

⇓

Oh, well,

#54

⇓

thank you, Shirley.

#55

⇓

closest to my heart.

#57

⇓

you put them on.

#59

⇓

Everybody put them on.

#60

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#61

⇓

Hey. Hey.

#62

⇓

You took all

#63

⇓

the Winter-Doodles.

#64

⇓

What are you, a douche bag?

#65

⇓

I have a tree-nut allergy.

#69

⇓

Stay away from

#70

⇓

Ha-ha-ha! That did not

#72

⇓

even make allergic sense.

#73

⇓

What are you, an idiot?

#74

⇓

Oh, look at that.

#78

⇓

Pretty boy,

#79

⇓

standing up for bird-face

#80

⇓

over here.

#81

⇓

Give me a Winter-Doodle.

#82

⇓

by its name.

#85

⇓

Oh, you're funny,

#86

⇓

you're a funny man.

#87

⇓

Wanna hear

#88

⇓

something funny?

#89

⇓

Knock, knock.

#90

⇓

My fist up your balls.

#91

⇓

Who's there?

#92

⇓

PELTON:

#93

⇓

Ho, ho, ho!

#94

⇓

Merry happy.

#95

⇓

This ain't over.

#96

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#97

⇓

Still waiting on

#100

⇓

those cookies, Abed.

#101

⇓

PLAYING]

#103

⇓

♪ Give me some more

#104

⇓

Time in a dream ♪

#105

⇓

♪ Give me the hope

#106

⇓

To run out of steam ♪

#107

⇓

♪ Somebody said

#108

⇓

It can be here ♪

#109

⇓

♪ We could be roped up

#110

⇓

Tied up dead in a year ♪

#111

⇓

♪ I can't count the reasons

#112

⇓

I should stay ♪

#113

⇓

♪ One by one they all

#114

⇓

Just fade away ♪

#115

⇓

Jeff protected my honor.

#116

⇓

It was like My Bodyguard,

#117

⇓

but I was the kid

#118

⇓

from Meatballs,

#119

⇓

Jeff was from

#120

⇓

Full Metal Jacket,

#121

⇓

of the guy in Entourage.

#123

⇓

I'm over 23.

#132

⇓

I'm proud of you for

#133

⇓

boy. Heh-heh-heh.

#136

⇓

Let's see them.

#138

⇓

Nonsense. Men were wired

#139

⇓

to fight each other

#140

⇓

so women could choose

#141

⇓

the right mate.

#142

⇓

No, the real reason

#143

⇓

men fight is to release

#144

⇓

their pent-up gayness.

#145

⇓

That guy wasn't gay,

#146

⇓

he had a mustache.

#147

⇓

Are we cramming

#149

⇓

for Spanish or not?

#150

⇓

I need a 65

#151

⇓

[GASPS]

#153

⇓

credit if you knew

#155

⇓

[WHISPERS]

#156

⇓

that you were failing?

#157

⇓

Quick question.

#161

⇓

Are you all coming to my

#162

⇓

or are you stopping home

#164

⇓

to change into

#165

⇓

your Christmas outfits?

#166

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#167

⇓

I guess I could wear

#168

⇓

Ah. Annie, I didn't know

#170

⇓

Yep, one might

#172

⇓

even say I'm Jewish.

#173

⇓

Oh, that's good for you.

#174

⇓

That's wonderful.

#175

⇓

I respect all religions

#176

⇓

of the world.

#177

⇓

Jehovah's Witness.

#179

⇓

The Lord is testing me.

#181

⇓

conflict, can we please--?

#183

⇓

I'm agnostic.

#185

⇓

[ALL BOOING]

#186

⇓

Oh!

#190

⇓

in my friend's hot tub.

#192

⇓

in my Buddhist community.

#194

⇓

That does not sound like

#195

⇓

Buddhism.

#196

⇓

You sure

#197

⇓

you're not in a cult?

#198

⇓

Just by asking me

#199

⇓

that question,

#200

⇓

you put me back down

#201

⇓

to a level four.

#202

⇓

You now owe me

#203

⇓

2000 Energon Cubes.

#204

⇓

Do you know how foolish

#205

⇓

you sound right now?

#206

⇓

What else do you believe in,

#207

⇓

blood transfusions?

#208

⇓

of Christian, right, Troy?

#210

⇓

Yeah, but we don't celebrate

#211

⇓

birthdays or Christmas,

#212

⇓

and we can't drink.

#213

⇓

But it helps.

#214

⇓

You're like a Muslim.

#215

⇓

Assalamu alaikum.

#216

⇓

Shama-lama-ding-dong.

#217

⇓

Well, don't we have

#218

⇓

a diverse little family.

#219

⇓

to all faiths.

#221

⇓

I brought

#222

⇓

my Star of Bethlehem,

#223

⇓

which led the wise men

#224

⇓

And you guys can bring

#226

⇓

a little trinket

#227

⇓

or doodad from your

#228

⇓

philosophies. Sounds good?

#229

⇓

As an agnostic, I'm gonna

#230

⇓

bring my winning smile.

#231

⇓

[ALL GROANING]

#232

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#233

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Ugh! So boring.

#234

⇓

Done. Hee, hee!

#235

⇓

Feliz navidad.

#236

⇓

"True or falso

#237

⇓

or none of the above?"

#238

⇓

[CHUCKLING]

#240

⇓

Hey, look at that,

#241

⇓

Forehead's taking a test.

#242

⇓

Why don't you get going,

#243

⇓

Chuck Norris?

#244

⇓

Did you just shoo me?

#245

⇓

already?

#247

⇓

down your throat.

#249

⇓

Señor Chang, can you do

#250

⇓

something about this?

#251

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I'll allow it.

#252

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Qué pasa here, huh?

#253

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It's usted, dude.

#254

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Even I know that.

#255

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[LAUGHING]

#256

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It's on.

#259

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He's doing this for me.

#260

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He's my bodyguard.

#261

⇓

To some show tunes?

#263

⇓

Three o'clock.

#273

⇓

where they're building

#278

⇓

the wheelchair ramp.

#279

⇓

Best exam ever.

#281

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#282

⇓

That guy's awesome.

#283

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#284

⇓

So help me, if that

#285

⇓

jerkweed made me fail.

#286

⇓

Well, I aced it, amigo.

#287

⇓

That means cousin.

#288

⇓

Uh, maybe you should

#292

⇓

just hang back.

#293

⇓

Shirley about the fight.

#296

⇓

No.

#300

⇓

because it gets me chicks.

#302

⇓

He used to be a nerd,

#304

⇓

now he's a meathead.

#305

⇓

Dangerous combo.

#306

⇓

Tyson, Lou Ferrigno,

#307

⇓

Rosie O'Donnell.

#308

⇓

You're a pretty big dude.

#309

⇓

You've probably got moves.

#310

⇓

Yeah, I got some theories.

#311

⇓

Technically, no.

#313

⇓

I guess I'm too charming

#314

⇓

Mm.

#317

⇓

been punched in the face?

#319

⇓

No, thank God.

#320

⇓

This is the moneymaker.

#321

⇓

But then I was like,

#324

⇓

"This is a story."

#325

⇓

Yeah.

#327

⇓

Every man should be

#328

⇓

punched in the face.

#329

⇓

It's a rite of passage.

#330

⇓

In my day, Friday night was

#331

⇓

smoke a doobie,

#332

⇓

feel up a gal

#333

⇓

and then get your teeth

#334

⇓

knocked out

#335

⇓

by a Republican.

#336

⇓

We have to teach Jeffrey

#342

⇓

how to fight.

#343

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I know a few moves.

#344

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Troy, I assume you're

#345

⇓

handy with a switchblade.

#346

⇓

try to find a chicken

#349

⇓

for Jeff to chase.

#350

⇓

Guys, I appreciate

#351

⇓

the enthusiasm,

#352

⇓

but I think I got this.

#353

⇓

MIKE:

#354

⇓

Oh, well, look who it is.

#355

⇓

We got Forehead, Old Head,

#356

⇓

See you at 3, Forehead.

#358

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#359

⇓

Give me a snowman, dork.

#360

⇓

See this, funny guy? Huh?

#361

⇓

[STUDENTS GASP]

#362

⇓

[LAUGHING]

#363

⇓

Huh?

#364

⇓

Classic Rosie.

#365

⇓

Fight lessons

#366

⇓

in a half an hour?

#367

⇓

Good plan.

#368

⇓

♪ Joy to the world

#369

⇓

The Lord is come ♪

#370

⇓

Hello.

#372

⇓

Oh! Is this your

#373

⇓

Hanukkah holder?

#374

⇓

It's, uh-- It's pretty.

#375

⇓

We'll just, uh--

#376

⇓

Let's just put it here.

#377

⇓

There we go.

#378

⇓

That's nice.

#379

⇓

So I can't believe

#380

⇓

I'd say the whole word

#382

⇓

next time.

#383

⇓

So do you think everyone

#384

⇓

will start arriving soon?

#385

⇓

I think they're gonna come

#386

⇓

after Jeff's fight.

#387

⇓

After Jeff's what, now?

#388

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#389

⇓

On Christmas?

#391

⇓

Can you finish

#394

⇓

the manger scene?

#395

⇓

What's up? What's up?

#397

⇓

What's up?

#401

⇓

he does not.

#405

⇓

Then you give them

#406

⇓

Oh, that's pretty good.

#408

⇓

Hold it. Then,

#411

⇓

I'm sick and tired of you

#415

⇓

In boxing, you fight for

#417

⇓

the purse and a belt.

#418

⇓

I've gotta write a paper

#419

⇓

about that.

#420

⇓

Let's see what

#421

⇓

we're working with.

#422

⇓

Go ahead,

#423

⇓

throw a few at the old paws.

#424

⇓

What are you?

#426

⇓

A North Korean seamstress?

#427

⇓

Get mad, come on!

#429

⇓

If it helps, think of me

#430

⇓

as somebody who annoys you.

#431

⇓

[GRUNTS]

#432

⇓

That's it. That's good.

#433

⇓

Britta,

#434

⇓

put your blouse back on.

#435

⇓

Ohh! Ow!

#436

⇓

This is not a game.

#437

⇓

Dude, that is not cool.

#439

⇓

Well, that foxy black girl

#440

⇓

thinks it is.

#441

⇓

Hm? Aah!

#442

⇓

What is going on?

#445

⇓

I couldn't think

#449

⇓

of another word.

#450

⇓

Idiot.

#451

⇓

He meant we were figh...

#452

⇓

...ting. It is hard to

#453

⇓

think of another word.

#454

⇓

to the most important day

#457

⇓

of the year.

#458

⇓

It's our Christmas.

#460

⇓

And I'm having a party.

#461

⇓

Due to my divorce,

#462

⇓

party I throw this year.

#465

⇓

Will you be there

#466

⇓

letting me down?

#468

⇓

I told him not to fight.

#469

⇓

He wouldn't listen.

#470

⇓

I don't know

#471

⇓

what that is.

#472

⇓

Jeffrey, I have two boys.

#473

⇓

And when we have

#474

⇓

a serious discussion,

#475

⇓

I find that a brownie

#476

⇓

helps them to relax.

#477

⇓

So why do you

#478

⇓

hate me and Jesus?

#479

⇓

I don't think

#480

⇓

Don't do something so ugly

#482

⇓

You think religion is stupid.

#485

⇓

Jeffrey, I forbid you

#498

⇓

from fighting.

#499

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#500

⇓

You're right, but if you

#503

⇓

show up for the fight,

#504

⇓

don't be mad.

#507

⇓

I'm not mad,

#508

⇓

I'm disappointed.

#509

⇓

That's Mom for mad.

#510

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#511

⇓

Oh, hash browns

#513

⇓

smell?

#516

⇓

Looks delicious.

#519

⇓

I'm guessing as a woman

#520

⇓

That's too bad.

#522

⇓

Oh, look, Britta brought

#523

⇓

what she believes in.

#524

⇓

Nothing.

#525

⇓

Where should I put

#526

⇓

my Buddha incense holder?

#527

⇓

I'm pretty sure

#528

⇓

that's a bong.

#529

⇓

Where's Jeff?

#530

⇓

I guess he made his choice.

#531

⇓

As I told Jeff,

#533

⇓

can come to my party.

#535

⇓

He's dead to me.

#536

⇓

And if any of you leave

#537

⇓

you'll be dead to me too.

#538

⇓

Let's sing.

#539

⇓

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine ♪

#541

⇓

Everybody.

#542

⇓

Come on, everybody.

#544

⇓

You don't know it?

#545

⇓

You're banning Jeff

#546

⇓

from the party?

#547

⇓

That doesn't seem

#548

⇓

very Christian.

#549

⇓

point of view

#551

⇓

coming from an atheist.

#552

⇓

I did my best to create

#553

⇓

a special Christmas

#554

⇓

for my one intact family.

#555

⇓

And, ahem,

#556

⇓

this is the thanks I get?

#557

⇓

Shirley, you are

#558

⇓

a guilt machine.

#559

⇓

Say the whole word.

#562

⇓

Jewie?

#563

⇓

You would never catch

#564

⇓

a Jehovah's Witness

#565

⇓

saying "Jewie."

#566

⇓

you never got.

#568

⇓

You know, there's an

#569

⇓

old Buddhist saying--

#570

⇓

You are not a Buddhist,

#571

⇓

you are in a cult.

#572

⇓

Suck it, Nietzsche.

#573

⇓

Guys, guys.

#577

⇓

Guys, guys,

#578

⇓

divide us like this?

#580

⇓

I think there's one thing

#581

⇓

we can all agree on.

#582

⇓

No, that we would all like

#584

⇓

to have Jeff at this party.

#585

⇓

BRITTA: Shirley.

#587

⇓

I get that this is

#588

⇓

your first Christmas

#589

⇓

And I don't know,

#591

⇓

maybe that's why

#592

⇓

you're being so stubborn,

#593

⇓

to recreate something

#595

⇓

that you're afraid

#596

⇓

that you've lost forever.

#597

⇓

But if you really want us

#598

⇓

to be your second family,

#599

⇓

then you've gotta start

#600

⇓

treating us like one.

#601

⇓

Even if that means

#602

⇓

supporting us

#603

⇓

when we do things

#604

⇓

that you don't agree with.

#605

⇓

And you can start

#606

⇓

by rooting for Jeff

#607

⇓

That's what I'm gonna do.

#610

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#611

⇓

The cranberry sauce

#612

⇓

has real cranberries.

#613

⇓

[♪♪♪]

#618

⇓

Oh, check him out. Ohh!

#620

⇓

What's up, dude?

#621

⇓

No backup today, huh?

#622

⇓

couldn't show up.

#624

⇓

Can I ask you a question?

#625

⇓

to the gym?

#627

⇓

Dude, my life is a gym.

#628

⇓

What's up, man?

#630

⇓

What's up? What's up?

#632

⇓

ALL:

#633

⇓

What's up? What's up?

#634

⇓

Whoa.

#635

⇓

All right.

#640

⇓

Dude, you wear a bracelet?

#641

⇓

So?

#644

⇓

I have a friend that believes

#646

⇓

this is the time of year

#647

⇓

where you put aside your

#648

⇓

differences and make peace.

#649

⇓

Me? I don't believe

#650

⇓

in any of that,

#651

⇓

but I do believe

#652

⇓

in friendship.

#653

⇓

And as much as I hate you

#654

⇓

and the cast of Breakin',

#655

⇓

I have to ask myself,

#656

⇓

what would Shirley do?

#657

⇓

[GRUNTS]

#658

⇓

What would Shirley do?

#660

⇓

I think that she would

#661

⇓

shake your hand

#662

⇓

[MIKE LAUGHS]

#665

⇓

Jeffrey.

#666

⇓

Kick his ass.

#667

⇓

Cavalry's here.

#668

⇓

Shirts off, boys.

#669

⇓

Come on,

#670

⇓

I'm being punk'd, right?

#671

⇓

Kick them. Come here.

#672

⇓

♪ You gave a kick

#675

⇓

I gave a slap ♪

#676

⇓

♪ You smashed a plate

#677

⇓

Over my head ♪

#678

⇓

[TROY YELLS]

#680

⇓

Ow!

#683

⇓

Not the moneymaker,

#684

⇓

not the moneymaker.

#685

⇓

Ow! Ow!

#686

⇓

You're welcome.

#687

⇓

SHIRLEY:

#688

⇓

♪ Sensible night ♪

#689

⇓

♪ Appropriate night ♪

#690

⇓

♪ Round yon purchase ♪

#693

⇓

♪ Of decorative things ♪

#694

⇓

♪ Tolerant rewrite ♪

#695

⇓

♪ Of carols to sing ♪

#696

⇓

♪ Function with relative ♪

#697

⇓

♪ Ease ♪

#698

⇓

♪ Function with relative ♪

#699

⇓

♪ Ease ♪

#700

⇓

Yeah.

#701

⇓

Thank you.

#702

⇓

Yeah.

#703

⇓

Yeah.

#704

⇓

Thank you.

#705

⇓

Thank you, I get it.

#706

⇓

Yes, it is I, Señor Chang.

#707

⇓

Shakira, hold this.

#708

⇓

So I have finished grading

#709

⇓

everyone's finals.

#710

⇓

And all of you

#711

⇓

are moving on.

#712

⇓

SHIRLEY: Yes.

#714

⇓

Yeah.

#716

⇓

Ha, ha. Except for Jeff.

#717

⇓

CHANG: It turns out, you--

#719

⇓

No!

#723

⇓

In Spanish 102, ha-ha-ha!

#724

⇓

And I'm the only

#726

⇓

Spanish teacher.

#727

⇓

Yay!

#728

⇓

I meant about Jeff passing.

#729

⇓

eh.

#731

⇓

Whoa.

#732

⇓

Actually, that was

#734

⇓

my present to Jeff.

#735

⇓

Ha, ha. I don't care.

#736

⇓

I got hit in the face, like,

#740

⇓

four times

#741

⇓

before you punched me.

#742

⇓

Pierce, thank you.

#745

⇓

when we fought

#748

⇓

those fly dancers.

#749

⇓

So, uh...

#750

⇓

SHIRLEY & ANNIE:

#751

⇓

Ooh!

#752

⇓

Actually, I was gonna say,

#755

⇓

"Merry semester and

#756

⇓

happy new one."

#757

⇓

[SHIRLEY GIGGLES]

#758

⇓

Okay, he's running out.

#762

⇓

He's running out.

#763

⇓

So brightly ♪

#767

⇓

♪ O Christmas Troy

#768

⇓

O Christmas Troy ♪

#769

⇓

♪ Much pleasure

#770

⇓

Thou canst give me ♪

#771

⇓

Why do you guys

#772

⇓

do stuff like this?

#773

⇓

Yeah.

#775

⇓

JEFF & ABED:

#776

⇓

♪ The sight of thee at

#777

⇓

Christmastide ♪

#778

⇓

Far and wide ♪

#780

⇓

ALL:

#781

⇓

♪ O Christmas Troy

#782

⇓

O Christmas Troy ♪

#783

⇓

♪ Thou tree most fair

#784

⇓

And lovely ♪

#785

⇓

Don't move.

#786

⇓

This nose smells

#787

⇓

like special drink.

#788

⇓