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Home » Community » S01E12 — Comparative Religion

Community

Season 1, Episode 12 — Comparative Religion

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Community

Episode title: Comparative Religion

Air date: December 10, 2009

Director: Adam Davidson

Top billed cast: Joel McHale, Gillian Jacobs, Alison Brie, Donald Glover, Yvette Nicole Brown, Danny Pudi

Shirley's plans for a holiday party are in jeopardy when Jeff is drawn into a fight with a campus bully.

Source: TMDB

↓

Happy last day before

happy

↓

winter break.

break winter

↓

Some of you will travel

travel

↓

as far as three miles.

miles three

↓

Don't forget to visit our

forget visit

↓

winter wonderland,

winter wonderland

↓

where we're giving away

giving

↓

catalogues

↓

Mr. Winter

winter

↓

is on his way

↓

[GRUNTS]

grunts

↓

[CHUCKLING]

chuckling

↓

PCness. Now I get it.

↓

Well, it's still Christmas

christmas

↓

to all of us.

↓

And I made you all

↓

a little gift,

gift

↓

because you're like

↓

my new family.

family

↓

If that stands for

stands

↓

"What would Billy Joel do?"

billy billy-joel joel

↓

I'll tell you right now,

↓

Oh, well,

↓

thank you, Shirley.

shirley

↓

closest to my heart.

closest heart

↓

you put them on.

↓

Everybody put them on.

everybody

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Hey. Hey.

↓

You took all

↓

the Winter-Doodles.

doodles winter

↓

What are you, a douche bag?

douche

↓

I have a tree-nut allergy.

allergy tree

↓

Stay away from

↓

Ha-ha-ha! That did not

↓

even make allergic sense.

allergic sense

↓

What are you, an idiot?

idiot

↓

Oh, look at that.

↓

Pretty boy,

↓

standing up for bird-face

bird face standing

↓

over here.

↓

Give me a Winter-Doodle.

doodle winter

↓

by its name.

name

↓

Oh, you're funny,

funny

↓

you're a funny man.

funny

↓

Wanna hear

↓

something funny?

funny

↓

Knock, knock.

knock knock-knock

↓

My fist up your balls.

balls fist

↓

Who's there?

↓

PELTON:

pelton

↓

Ho, ho, ho!

↓

Merry happy.

happy merry

↓

This ain't over.

aint

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Still waiting on

waiting

↓

those cookies, Abed.

abed cookies

↓

PLAYING]

playing

↓

♪ Give me some more

↓

Time in a dream ♪

dream

↓

♪ Give me the hope

hope

↓

To run out of steam ♪

steam

↓

♪ Somebody said

somebody

↓

It can be here ♪

↓

♪ We could be roped up

roped

↓

Tied up dead in a year ♪

dead tied

↓

♪ I can't count the reasons

count reasons

↓

I should stay ♪

↓

♪ One by one they all

↓

Just fade away ♪

fade

↓

Jeff protected my honor.

honor jeff protected

↓

It was like My Bodyguard,

bodyguard

↓

but I was the kid

↓

from Meatballs,

meatballs

↓

Jeff was from

jeff

↓

Full Metal Jacket,

full jacket metal

↓

of the guy in Entourage.

↓

I'm over 23.

↓

I'm proud of you for

proud

↓

boy. Heh-heh-heh.

↓

Let's see them.

↓

Nonsense. Men were wired

nonsense wired

↓

to fight each other

fight

↓

so women could choose

choose women

↓

the right mate.

mate

↓

No, the real reason

real real-reason reason

↓

men fight is to release

fight release

↓

their pent-up gayness.

↓

That guy wasn't gay,

↓

he had a mustache.

mustache

↓

Are we cramming

↓

for Spanish or not?

spanish

↓

I need a 65

↓

[GASPS]

gasps

↓

credit if you knew

credit

↓

[WHISPERS]

whispers

↓

that you were failing?

failing

↓

Quick question.

question quick quick-question

↓

Are you all coming to my

coming

↓

or are you stopping home

home stopping

↓

to change into

change

↓

your Christmas outfits?

christmas outfits

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

I guess I could wear

wear

↓

Ah. Annie, I didn't know

annie

↓

Yep, one might

might

↓

even say I'm Jewish.

jewish

↓

Oh, that's good for you.

↓

That's wonderful.

↓

I respect all religions

respect

↓

of the world.

world

↓

Jehovah's Witness.

jehovahs jehovahs-witness witness

↓

The Lord is testing me.

lord testing

↓

conflict, can we please--?

conflict

↓

I'm agnostic.

↓

[ALL BOOING]

booing

↓

Oh!

↓

in my friend's hot tub.

friends

↓

in my Buddhist community.

community

↓

That does not sound like

sound

↓

Buddhism.

↓

You sure

↓

you're not in a cult?

cult

↓

Just by asking me

asking

↓

that question,

question

↓

you put me back down

↓

to a level four.

four level

↓

You now owe me

↓

2000 Energon Cubes.

cubes

↓

Do you know how foolish

foolish

↓

you sound right now?

sound

↓

What else do you believe in,

believe

↓

blood transfusions?

blood

↓

of Christian, right, Troy?

christian troy

↓

Yeah, but we don't celebrate

celebrate

↓

birthdays or Christmas,

birthdays christmas

↓

and we can't drink.

drink

↓

But it helps.

helps

↓

You're like a Muslim.

muslim

↓

Assalamu alaikum.

↓

Shama-lama-ding-dong.

ding ding-dong dong

↓

Well, don't we have

↓

a diverse little family.

diverse family

↓

to all faiths.

↓

I brought

brought

↓

my Star of Bethlehem,

star

↓

which led the wise men

wise

↓

And you guys can bring

bring

↓

a little trinket

↓

or doodad from your

doodad

↓

philosophies. Sounds good?

sounds

↓

As an agnostic, I'm gonna

↓

bring my winning smile.

bring smile winning

↓

[ALL GROANING]

groaning

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Ugh! So boring.

boring

↓

Done. Hee, hee!

↓

Feliz navidad.

↓

"True or falso

↓

or none of the above?"

↓

[CHUCKLING]

chuckling

↓

Hey, look at that,

↓

Forehead's taking a test.

foreheads test

↓

Why don't you get going,

↓

Chuck Norris?

chuck

↓

Did you just shoo me?

shoo

↓

already?

↓

down your throat.

throat

↓

Señor Chang, can you do

chang

↓

something about this?

↓

I'll allow it.

allow

↓

Qué pasa here, huh?

↓

It's usted, dude.

↓

Even I know that.

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

It's on.

↓

He's doing this for me.

↓

He's my bodyguard.

bodyguard

↓

To some show tunes?

tunes

↓

Three o'clock.

oclock three

↓

where they're building

building

↓

the wheelchair ramp.

ramp wheelchair

↓

Best exam ever.

best exam

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

That guy's awesome.

awesome

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

So help me, if that

↓

jerkweed made me fail.

fail

↓

Well, I aced it, amigo.

aced amigo

↓

That means cousin.

cousin

↓

Uh, maybe you should

↓

just hang back.

hang

↓

Shirley about the fight.

fight shirley

↓

No.

↓

because it gets me chicks.

chicks

↓

He used to be a nerd,

nerd used

↓

now he's a meathead.

↓

Dangerous combo.

combo dangerous

↓

Tyson, Lou Ferrigno,

tyson

↓

Rosie O'Donnell.

rosie

↓

You're a pretty big dude.

↓

You've probably got moves.

moves

↓

Yeah, I got some theories.

theories

↓

Technically, no.

technically

↓

I guess I'm too charming

charming

↓

Mm.

↓

been punched in the face?

face punched

↓

No, thank God.

↓

This is the moneymaker.

moneymaker

↓

But then I was like,

↓

"This is a story."

story

↓

Yeah.

↓

Every man should be

↓

punched in the face.

face punched

↓

It's a rite of passage.

passage rite

↓

In my day, Friday night was

friday friday-night night

↓

smoke a doobie,

doobie smoke

↓

feel up a gal

↓

and then get your teeth

teeth

↓

knocked out

knocked

↓

by a Republican.

republican

↓

We have to teach Jeffrey

jeffrey teach

↓

how to fight.

fight

↓

I know a few moves.

moves

↓

Troy, I assume you're

assume troy

↓

handy with a switchblade.

handy

↓

try to find a chicken

chicken

↓

for Jeff to chase.

chase jeff

↓

Guys, I appreciate

appreciate

↓

the enthusiasm,

enthusiasm

↓

but I think I got this.

↓

MIKE:

mike

↓

Oh, well, look who it is.

↓

We got Forehead, Old Head,

forehead head

↓

See you at 3, Forehead.

forehead

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Give me a snowman, dork.

dork snowman

↓

See this, funny guy? Huh?

funny

↓

[STUDENTS GASP]

gasp students

↓

[LAUGHING]

laughing

↓

Huh?

↓

Classic Rosie.

classic rosie

↓

Fight lessons

fight lessons

↓

in a half an hour?

half hour

↓

Good plan.

plan

↓

♪ Joy to the world

world

↓

The Lord is come ♪

lord

↓

Hello.

↓

Oh! Is this your

↓

Hanukkah holder?

hanukkah holder

↓

It's, uh-- It's pretty.

↓

We'll just, uh--

↓

Let's just put it here.

↓

There we go.

↓

That's nice.

↓

So I can't believe

believe

↓

I'd say the whole word

whole word

↓

next time.

↓

So do you think everyone

↓

will start arriving soon?

arriving start

↓

I think they're gonna come

↓

after Jeff's fight.

fight jeffs

↓

After Jeff's what, now?

jeffs

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

On Christmas?

christmas

↓

Can you finish

finish

↓

the manger scene?

scene

↓

What's up? What's up?

↓

What's up?

↓

he does not.

↓

Then you give them

↓

Oh, that's pretty good.

↓

Hold it. Then,

↓

I'm sick and tired of you

sick tired

↓

In boxing, you fight for

boxing fight

↓

the purse and a belt.

belt purse

↓

I've gotta write a paper

paper write

↓

about that.

↓

Let's see what

↓

we're working with.

working

↓

Go ahead,

ahead go-ahead

↓

throw a few at the old paws.

paws throw

↓

What are you?

↓

A North Korean seamstress?

korean north

↓

Get mad, come on!

↓

If it helps, think of me

helps

↓

as somebody who annoys you.

annoys somebody

↓

[GRUNTS]

grunts

↓

That's it. That's good.

↓

Britta,

britta

↓

put your blouse back on.

blouse

↓

Ohh! Ow!

↓

This is not a game.

game

↓

Dude, that is not cool.

cool

↓

Well, that foxy black girl

black black-girl girl

↓

thinks it is.

thinks

↓

Hm? Aah!

↓

What is going on?

↓

I couldn't think

↓

of another word.

another another-word word

↓

Idiot.

idiot

↓

He meant we were figh...

meant

↓

...ting. It is hard to

hard

↓

think of another word.

another another-word word

↓

to the most important day

↓

of the year.

↓

It's our Christmas.

christmas

↓

And I'm having a party.

having party

↓

Due to my divorce,

divorce

↓

party I throw this year.

party throw

↓

Will you be there

↓

letting me down?

letting

↓

I told him not to fight.

fight

↓

He wouldn't listen.

↓

I don't know

↓

what that is.

↓

Jeffrey, I have two boys.

boys jeffrey

↓

And when we have

↓

a serious discussion,

discussion serious

↓

I find that a brownie

brownie

↓

helps them to relax.

helps relax

↓

So why do you

↓

hate me and Jesus?

hate jesus

↓

I don't think

↓

Don't do something so ugly

ugly

↓

You think religion is stupid.

religion stupid

↓

Jeffrey, I forbid you

forbid jeffrey

↓

from fighting.

fighting

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

You're right, but if you

↓

show up for the fight,

fight

↓

don't be mad.

↓

I'm not mad,

↓

I'm disappointed.

disappointed

↓

That's Mom for mad.

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Oh, hash browns

browns hash

↓

smell?

smell

↓

Looks delicious.

delicious

↓

I'm guessing as a woman

guessing woman

↓

That's too bad.

↓

Oh, look, Britta brought

britta brought

↓

what she believes in.

believes

↓

Nothing.

↓

Where should I put

↓

my Buddha incense holder?

buddha holder

↓

I'm pretty sure

↓

that's a bong.

bong

↓

Where's Jeff?

jeff

↓

I guess he made his choice.

choice

↓

As I told Jeff,

jeff

↓

can come to my party.

party

↓

He's dead to me.

dead

↓

And if any of you leave

↓

you'll be dead to me too.

dead

↓

Let's sing.

sing

↓

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine ♪

friend jesus

↓

Everybody.

everybody

↓

Come on, everybody.

everybody

↓

You don't know it?

↓

You're banning Jeff

banning jeff

↓

from the party?

party

↓

That doesn't seem

↓

very Christian.

christian

↓

point of view

point view

↓

coming from an atheist.

coming

↓

I did my best to create

best create

↓

a special Christmas

christmas special

↓

for my one intact family.

family intact

↓

And, ahem,

ahem

↓

this is the thanks I get?

thanks

↓

Shirley, you are

shirley

↓

a guilt machine.

guilt machine

↓

Say the whole word.

whole word

↓

Jewie?

↓

You would never catch

catch

↓

a Jehovah's Witness

jehovahs jehovahs-witness witness

↓

saying "Jewie."

↓

you never got.

↓

You know, there's an

↓

old Buddhist saying--

↓

You are not a Buddhist,

↓

you are in a cult.

cult

↓

Suck it, Nietzsche.

suck

↓

Guys, guys.

↓

Guys, guys,

↓

divide us like this?

divide

↓

I think there's one thing

↓

we can all agree on.

agree

↓

No, that we would all like

↓

to have Jeff at this party.

jeff party

↓

BRITTA: Shirley.

britta shirley

↓

I get that this is

↓

your first Christmas

christmas

↓

And I don't know,

↓

maybe that's why

↓

you're being so stubborn,

stubborn

↓

to recreate something

recreate

↓

that you're afraid

afraid

↓

that you've lost forever.

forever lost

↓

But if you really want us

↓

to be your second family,

family second

↓

then you've gotta start

start

↓

treating us like one.

treating

↓

Even if that means

↓

supporting us

supporting

↓

when we do things

↓

that you don't agree with.

agree

↓

And you can start

start

↓

by rooting for Jeff

jeff rooting

↓

That's what I'm gonna do.

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

The cranberry sauce

cranberry sauce

↓

has real cranberries.

real

↓

[♪♪♪]

↓

Oh, check him out. Ohh!

check

↓

What's up, dude?

↓

No backup today, huh?

backup today

↓

couldn't show up.

↓

Can I ask you a question?

question

↓

to the gym?

↓

Dude, my life is a gym.

life

↓

What's up, man?

↓

What's up? What's up?

↓

ALL:

↓

What's up? What's up?

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

All right.

↓

Dude, you wear a bracelet?

bracelet wear

↓

So?

↓

I have a friend that believes

believes friend

↓

this is the time of year

↓

where you put aside your

aside

↓

differences and make peace.

differences peace

↓

Me? I don't believe

believe

↓

in any of that,

↓

but I do believe

believe

↓

in friendship.

friendship

↓

And as much as I hate you

hate

↓

and the cast of Breakin',

breakin cast

↓

I have to ask myself,

↓

what would Shirley do?

shirley

↓

[GRUNTS]

grunts

↓

What would Shirley do?

shirley

↓

I think that she would

↓

shake your hand

hand shake

↓

[MIKE LAUGHS]

laughs mike

↓

Jeffrey.

jeffrey

↓

Kick his ass.

kick

↓

Cavalry's here.

↓

Shirts off, boys.

boys shirts

↓

Come on,

↓

I'm being punk'd, right?

↓

Kick them. Come here.

kick

↓

♪ You gave a kick

kick

↓

I gave a slap ♪

slap

↓

♪ You smashed a plate

plate smashed

↓

Over my head ♪

head

↓

[TROY YELLS]

troy yells

↓

Ow!

↓

Not the moneymaker,

moneymaker

↓

not the moneymaker.

moneymaker

↓

Ow! Ow!

↓

You're welcome.

welcome

↓

SHIRLEY:

shirley

↓

♪ Sensible night ♪

night sensible

↓

♪ Appropriate night ♪

appropriate night

↓

♪ Round yon purchase ♪

purchase round

↓

♪ Of decorative things ♪

↓

♪ Tolerant rewrite ♪

rewrite tolerant

↓

♪ Of carols to sing ♪

carols sing

↓

♪ Function with relative ♪

function relative

↓

♪ Ease ♪

ease

↓

♪ Function with relative ♪

function relative

↓

♪ Ease ♪

ease

↓

Yeah.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Thank you, I get it.

↓

Yes, it is I, Señor Chang.

chang

↓

Shakira, hold this.

shakira

↓

So I have finished grading

finished grading

↓

everyone's finals.

everyones finals

↓

And all of you

↓

are moving on.

moving

↓

SHIRLEY: Yes.

shirley

↓

Yeah.

↓

Ha, ha. Except for Jeff.

except jeff

↓

CHANG: It turns out, you--

chang turns

↓

No!

↓

In Spanish 102, ha-ha-ha!

spanish

↓

And I'm the only

↓

Spanish teacher.

spanish teacher

↓

Yay!

↓

I meant about Jeff passing.

jeff meant passing

↓

eh.

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

Actually, that was

↓

my present to Jeff.

jeff present

↓

Ha, ha. I don't care.

care

↓

I got hit in the face, like,

face

↓

four times

four four-times times

↓

before you punched me.

punched

↓

Pierce, thank you.

pierce

↓

when we fought

fought

↓

those fly dancers.

dancers

↓

So, uh...

↓

SHIRLEY & ANNIE:

annie shirley

↓

Ooh!

↓

Actually, I was gonna say,

↓

"Merry semester and

merry semester

↓

happy new one."

happy

↓

[SHIRLEY GIGGLES]

giggles shirley

↓

Okay, he's running out.

running

↓

He's running out.

running

↓

So brightly ♪

brightly

↓

♪ O Christmas Troy

christmas troy

↓

O Christmas Troy ♪

christmas troy

↓

♪ Much pleasure

pleasure

↓

Thou canst give me ♪

thou

↓

Why do you guys

↓

do stuff like this?

stuff

↓

Yeah.

↓

JEFF & ABED:

abed jeff

↓

♪ The sight of thee at

sight thee

↓

Christmastide ♪

↓

Far and wide ♪

wide

↓

ALL:

↓

♪ O Christmas Troy

christmas troy

↓

O Christmas Troy ♪

christmas troy

↓

♪ Thou tree most fair

fair thou tree

↓

And lovely ♪

lovely

↓

Don't move.

↓

This nose smells

nose smells

↓

like special drink.

drink special