Home » Scrubs » S05E05 — My New God

Scrubs

Season 5, Episode 5 — My New God

After four years, I know the hospital so well,

#1

⇓

After four years, I know the hospital so well,

#2

⇓

I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds.

#3

⇓

I can sneak in a little nap-walk before rounds.

#4

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Two quick steps to the left to avoid Overly Ambitious Orderly.

#5

⇓

Two quick steps to the left to avoid Overly Ambitious Orderly.

#6

⇓

Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again.

#7

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Hop over the dead guy Doug's dragging because he lost his gurney again.

#8

⇓

The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.

#9

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The man's dead, J.D. Show some respect.

#10

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And finally, Dr Kelso's 9am wrong-shoulder-tap.

#11

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And finally, Dr Kelso's 9am wrong-shoulder-tap.

#12

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Damn it! Every morning, tapping. No one's ever there!

#13

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Of course, you can't be ready for everything.

#14

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Of course, you can't be ready for everything.

#15

⇓

Hey. Help me move this weekend.

#16

⇓

Hey. Help me move this weekend.

#17

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We scoff, and we walk away.

#18

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Remind me again why you're having our son baptised.

#19

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Remind me again why you're having our son baptised.

#20

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What do you even care? You're not going.

#21

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Let him go to church. I let him go to magic shows.

#22

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Let him go to church. I let him go to magic shows.

#23

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I'll tell him it's a lie when he gets home

#24

⇓

so he doesn't have those crazy nightmares.

#25

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By the way, I invited your sister.

#26

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By the way, I invited your sister.

#27

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Jordan, please tell me you didn't.

#28

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Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realise you'd be so upset.

#29

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Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. I didn't realise you'd be so upset.

#30

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I'll call her and tell her not to come.

#31

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I'll call her and tell her not to come.

#32

⇓

How weird would it be if I was like that?

#33

⇓

How weird would it be if I was like that?

#34

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- Totally. - Weird.

#35

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- When is this joyous occasion? - You're not invited.

#36

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- When is this joyous occasion? - You're not invited.

#37

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I see. Family only. That's how they're doing it.

#38

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I see. Family only. That's how they're doing it.

#39

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I'm going.

#40

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Give me a break. You're going.

#41

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Give me a break. You're going.

#42

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As a matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.

#43

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As a matter of fact, I'd like you to be the boy's godfather.

#44

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I... am honoured.

#45

⇓

I... am honoured.

#46

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I... am lying.

#47

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I... am lying.

#48

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I'm not sure I see how that's funny.

#49

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I'm not sure I see how that's funny.

#50

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- What's with the second beeper? - Carla gave it to me.

#51

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- What's with the second beeper? - Carla gave it to me.

#52

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She's got me on 24-hour baby-making alert.

#53

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We haven't had sex since her last ovulation.

#54

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We haven't had sex since her last ovulation.

#55

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You know women only do it once a month?

#56

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Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.

#57

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Of course I knew that, Turk. I'm a doctor.

#58

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Once a month? That's crazy!

#59

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Once a month? That's crazy!

#60

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I don't know why I bother.

#61

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Little Hayley doesn't have a chance this month.

#62

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Little Hayley doesn't have a chance this month.

#63

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I name my eggs. Big frick. Last month it was Cassie.

#64

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I name my eggs. Big frick. Last month it was Cassie.

#65

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- Cassie's pretty. - Oh, she would have been, J.D.

#66

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She would have been.

#67

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She would have been.

#68

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Everyone, this is my sister, Paige.

#69

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I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about.

#70

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I'd like you to meet random people I don't care about.

#71

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Here for the baptism.

#72

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Here for the baptism.

#73

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I remember my son Harrison's big day.

#74

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All of us laughing at him in his frilly little baptism dress.

#75

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All of us laughing at him in his frilly little baptism dress.

#76

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Well, we're not laughing anymore. Harrison's a poofter. Bob Kelso.

#77

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Well, we're not laughing anymore. Harrison's a poofter. Bob Kelso.

#78

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Hi, I'm J.D. I'm sure Perry's spoken of me.

#79

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No.

#80

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Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing?

#81

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Nothing about taking a talented go-getter under his wing?

#82

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Surrogate father to a boy who's lost his own?

#83

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Nothing about that? I'm surprised.

#84

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Nothing about that? I'm surprised.

#85

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- Don't cry in front of people. - Perry and I don't talk much.

#86

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- Don't cry in front of people. - Perry and I don't talk much.

#87

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They don't talk much! There's no talking in the family.

#88

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They don't talk much! There's no talking in the family.

#89

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Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night

#90

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Rest assured, Newbie, even if we did talk from morning till night

#91

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about all the big and tiny things that matter most to me,

#92

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the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer,

#93

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the big being my son Jack, a cure for cancer,

#94

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the resurgence of the hard-shell taco...

#95

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the resurgence of the hard-shell taco...

#96

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The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and all fruit-infused liquors,

#97

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The small being my ex-wife Jordan, wind energy and all fruit-infused liquors,

#98

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your name still would not have come up.

#99

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your name still would not have come up.

#100

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I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more irritating.

#101

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I'm honestly not sure which one of you I find more irritating.

#102

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What does he find irritating about you?

#103

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Fire at will.

#104

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Fire at will.

#105

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I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal saviour.

#106

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I've embraced the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal saviour.

#107

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I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward,

#108

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I'm not sure why it was suddenly so awkward,

#109

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but I wished something would break the tension.

#110

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but I wished something would break the tension.

#111

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Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex

#112

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Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex

#113

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Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex

#114

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Hallelujah A brother's 'bout to have some sex

#115

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Smack the moneymaker!

#116

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Smack the moneymaker!

#117

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- Smack it! - That's how he likes it.

#118

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- Smack it! - That's how he likes it.

#119

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Sex time, people!

#120

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He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex.

#121

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He's married, so it's strictly procreation sex.

#122

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His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy.

#123

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His wife's throwing her legs up in the air because they're trying for a boy.

#124

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Like Jesus.

#125

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(theme song)

#126

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(theme song)

#127

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You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid?

#128

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You know what used to drive Perry nuts as a kid?

#129

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Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway and I'd kick his ass.

#130

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Every night we'd play Horse in the driveway and I'd kick his ass.

#131

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Can Christians say "ass" now?

#132

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I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mom an ass once.

#133

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I have a friend, Pat Casey, he called his mom an ass once.

#134

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She hit him in the face with an iron.

#135

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She hit him in the face with an iron.

#136

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He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

#137

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He still goes to church, but he can't whistle anymore.

#138

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OK. I'm going to go say hi to Jordan.

#139

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She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?

#140

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She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?

#141

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She's dynamite. How'd you end up with a born-again Christian sister?

#142

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I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the Bible

#143

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I don't know. Maybe the TV was broken one day and she picked up the Bible

#144

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and found it to be just a darn good read.

#145

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Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability

#146

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Or maybe it had something to do with our mother's ability

#147

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to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room.

#148

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to watch silently as our dad drunkenly knocked us from room to room.

#149

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- What do you think, Newbie? - Probably the room to room thing.

#150

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- What do you think, Newbie? - Probably the room to room thing.

#151

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It's hard to find the right words at a moment like this.

#152

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Dr Cox, if it makes you feel any better,

#153

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Dr Cox, if it makes you feel any better,

#154

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at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.

#155

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at the baptism I'll be there to keep Paige company.

#156

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Yeah. You're not going.

#157

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Damn it! Stupid baptism.

#158

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Damn it! Stupid baptism.

#159

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I'm going to have some sex I'm going to have some sex

#160

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I'm going to have some sex I'm going to have some sex

#161

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My cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated.

#162

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My cervical mucus is peaking, my temperature is slightly elevated.

#163

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Pillows will keep my vagina angled so the semen pools against my cervix.

#164

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Pillows will keep my vagina angled so the semen pools against my cervix.

#165

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Baby, that is some God-awful dirty talk.

#166

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Baby, that is some God-awful dirty talk.

#167

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We're making a baby. Get down to business.

#168

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We're making a baby. Get down to business.

#169

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Honey, I need to feel the heat.

#170

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I need 30 minutes of foreplay.

#171

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I need 30 minutes of foreplay.

#172

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Then, and only then, can I be fully ready... to make love to you.

#173

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Then, and only then, can I be fully ready... to make love to you.

#174

⇓

Tyra Banks.

#175

⇓

There, you're ready.

#176

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Hey, fellas. I'm trying to give somebody the evil eye over there.

#177

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Hey, fellas. I'm trying to give somebody the evil eye over there.

#178

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Would you mind breaking it up so I can? You understand.

#179

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Would you mind breaking it up so I can? You understand.

#180

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Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

#181

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Thanks, fellas. Very nice of you. I appreciate it. Thank you.

#182

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He's just mad because I won't help him move.

#183

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He's just mad because I won't help him move.

#184

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You should have done it. Helping someone move is like oral sex.

#185

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You should have done it. Helping someone move is like oral sex.

#186

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You do it once, and then they owe you for life.

#187

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You do it once, and then they owe you for life.

#188

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My high school boyfriend is an accountant and he does my taxes free.

#189

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My high school boyfriend is an accountant and he does my taxes free.

#190

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You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's.

#191

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You know what's weird? He also does my brother Barry's.

#192

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My son Harrison dabbles in sadomasochism

#193

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and he has a new gimp named Barry.

#194

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and he has a new gimp named Barry.

#195

⇓

Or is it Larry? At my age it's getting harder to keep track of his gimps.

#196

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Or is it Larry? At my age it's getting harder to keep track of his gimps.

#197

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Then it occurred to me.

#198

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This was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend.

#199

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This was the perfect opportunity to take an enemy and turn him into a friend.

#200

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I'll do it.

#201

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I knew you would. You're predictable.

#202

⇓

- No, I'm not. - No, I'm not.

#203

⇓

- No, I'm not. - No, I'm not.

#204

⇓

- Stop doing that! - Stop doing that!

#205

⇓

- Peanut-butter-egg-dirt! - Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!

#206

⇓

- Peanut-butter-egg-dirt! - Peanut-butter-egg-dirt!

#207

⇓

Newbie, let's go. Mr Donnelly's test results are in.

#208

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Newbie, let's go. Mr Donnelly's test results are in.

#209

⇓

It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working.

#210

⇓

It's never easy to tell a family that medicine isn't working.

#211

⇓

I... I wish I had better news for you.

#212

⇓

I... I wish I had better news for you.

#213

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We're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with this medication.

#214

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We're not seeing the improvement we'd hoped for with this medication.

#215

⇓

- What are our options? - I'm afraid there are no other options.

#216

⇓

- What are our options? - I'm afraid there are no other options.

#217

⇓

There's always prayer.

#218

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Oh, no.

#219

⇓

You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.

#220

⇓

You know, with God by your side, anything is possible.

#221

⇓

Could I speak with you

#222

⇓

in the "stop filling my patient's head with false hope" ward?

#223

⇓

in the "stop filling my patient's head with false hope" ward?

#224

⇓

Paige, we have protocol here.

#225

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First we shake our Magic 8-Ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.

#226

⇓

First we shake our Magic 8-Ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.

#227

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First we shake our Magic 8-Ball, then we explore all witchcraft-related options.

#228

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Right, 'cause people who believe in God are crazy and you're the sane one.

#229

⇓

Right, 'cause people who believe in God are crazy and you're the sane one.

#230

⇓

Hey, do you guys like improv? 'Cause I'm kind of an expert.

#231

⇓

Hey, do you guys like improv? 'Cause I'm kind of an expert.

#232

⇓

There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying.

#233

⇓

There's a game we play in class where you make up what people are saying.

#234

⇓

Like watch. "Do you want some pie?"

#235

⇓

Like watch. "Do you want some pie?"

#236

⇓

"Not me! I hate pie!" "What are you talking about? Who hates pie?

#237

⇓

Everyone loves pie!" "I've always hated pie.

#238

⇓

You never understood me. You're a pie racist."

#239

⇓

You never understood me. You're a pie racist."

#240

⇓

"You're a cobbler whore."

#241

⇓

For God's sake, get off pie!

#242

⇓

For God's sake, get off pie!

#243

⇓

- Jerk. - Republican.

#244

⇓

- Jerk. - Republican.

#245

⇓

Pie.

#246

⇓

I've got to find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

#247

⇓

I've got to find an improv class that doesn't meet in the back of a pie shop.

#248

⇓

Damn it, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.

#249

⇓

Damn it, I gotta go have ovulation sex again.

#250

⇓

Are you complaining about getting to have sex?

#251

⇓

Because that is so insensitive, Turk.

#252

⇓

Because that is so insensitive, Turk.

#253

⇓

- J. D... - Let me feel my feelings, Turk!

#254

⇓

- J. D... - Let me feel my feelings, Turk!

#255

⇓

We worked on this.

#256

⇓

- I really gotta stop doing that. - You can talk to me if you want.

#257

⇓

- I really gotta stop doing that. - You can talk to me if you want.

#258

⇓

I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use.

#259

⇓

I can't talk to you about sex. I don't understand that crazy gibberish you use.

#260

⇓

Penis is schwing-something.

#261

⇓

Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.

#262

⇓

Schwing-schwong, peepers or peep.

#263

⇓

And vagina is...

#264

⇓

Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

#265

⇓

Disgusting, but also bajingo or hoo-hoo.

#266

⇓

Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right?

#267

⇓

Here's the deal. I'm trying to get in the mood, right?

#268

⇓

And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus...

#269

⇓

And Carla's going on and on about her cervical mucus...

#270

⇓

From now on, cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."

#271

⇓

From now on, cervical mucus will be referred to as "icky sticky."

#272

⇓

- Icky sticky. - Continue.

#273

⇓

- Icky sticky. - Continue.

#274

⇓

- Morning, sunshine. - Never say that again.

#275

⇓

- Morning, sunshine. - Never say that again.

#276

⇓

Noted.

#277

⇓

That was quite a fight you had with your sister.

#278

⇓

That was quite a fight you had with your sister.

#279

⇓

Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral

#280

⇓

Won't it be a little awkward when you show up at St. Mary's Cathedral

#281

⇓

on the corner of Maple and Pine right across from Temple Oheb Shalom at 4pm?

#282

⇓

on the corner of Maple and Pine right across from Temple Oheb Shalom at 4pm?

#283

⇓

That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.

#284

⇓

That's not where the baptism is, but nice try.

#285

⇓

Mark my words. When that bastard's dipped in water, I will be there.

#286

⇓

Anyway, I just invited Paige to come by.

#287

⇓

Mr Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is working.

#288

⇓

Mr Donnelly's labs came back and it looks like the steroid is working.

#289

⇓

If you happen to be keeping score, that would be medicine one, God zero.

#290

⇓

If you happen to be keeping score, that would be medicine one, God zero.

#291

⇓

You don't have to rub it in her face.

#292

⇓

You don't have to rub it in her face.

#293

⇓

I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants, but I do.

#294

⇓

I don't have to stick Kelso's stethoscope down my pants, but I do.

#295

⇓

Isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

#296

⇓

Isn't there some other relationship you could be out there trying to fix?

#297

⇓

Actually, there was.

#298

⇓

Mornin' sunshine.

#299

⇓

Mornin' sunshine.

#300

⇓

- I don't like that. - Nobody seems to.

#301

⇓

- I don't like that. - Nobody seems to.

#302

⇓

Come on. Grab some boxes. Let's get to moving.

#303

⇓

I hope I can find a way to connect with him.

#304

⇓

I hope I can find a way to connect with him.

#305

⇓

Thanks. That's one of my favourite pieces.

#306

⇓

You're welcome, friend.

#307

⇓

I gotta say, you have a lot of Asian art around here.

#308

⇓

I gotta say, you have a lot of Asian art around here.

#309

⇓

When I was a kid, I thought I'd travel the world.

#310

⇓

After college I went to China. Did all the touristy things.

#311

⇓

After college I went to China. Did all the touristy things.

#312

⇓

I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local.

#313

⇓

I saw the Great Wall, ate the food, had a baby with a local.

#314

⇓

Just the regular stuff.

#315

⇓

Just the regular stuff.

#316

⇓

I decorate my place this way because it reminds me

#317

⇓

of a more optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy.

#318

⇓

of a more optimistic time. That probably sounds crazy.

#319

⇓

Doesn't sound crazy at all.

#320

⇓

Doesn't sound crazy at all.

#321

⇓

Thanks, man.

#322

⇓

And like that, I was in.

#323

⇓

And like that, I was in.

#324

⇓

Damn!

#325

⇓

- I paged you an hour ago. - I was in surgery.

#326

⇓

- I paged you an hour ago. - I was in surgery.

#327

⇓

Is that doughnut glaze on your cheek?

#328

⇓

- Guess we're not having sex? - Oh, no. We're having sex.

#329

⇓

- Guess we're not having sex? - Oh, no. We're having sex.

#330

⇓

- Get in there. - Wait, baby, I'm too full.

#331

⇓

- Get in there. - Wait, baby, I'm too full.

#332

⇓

- Now, Turk! - Man!

#333

⇓

- Now, Turk! - Man!

#334

⇓

Long story short, after confirming it with my bunkmates,

#335

⇓

that counsellor and his "friendship" lotion were transferred out of our cabin

#336

⇓

that counsellor and his "friendship" lotion were transferred out of our cabin

#337

⇓

that counsellor and his "friendship" lotion were transferred out of our cabin

#338

⇓

and we never spoke about it again.

#339

⇓

Well, what doesn't kill you...

#340

⇓

Well, what doesn't kill you...

#341

⇓

We were thick as two thieves in a pod.

#342

⇓

We were thick as two thieves in a pod.

#343

⇓

OK, time to move some of the heavier stuff,

#344

⇓

so you might want to put on these gloves.

#345

⇓

so you might want to put on these gloves.

#346

⇓

And the attic upstairs has a lot of fibreglass in it, so a little hat.

#347

⇓

And the attic upstairs has a lot of fibreglass in it, so a little hat.

#348

⇓

- Thanks, pal. - Sure, bud.

#349

⇓

- Thanks, pal. - Sure, bud.

#350

⇓

I figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships.

#351

⇓

I figured out why I'm so great at managing relationships.

#352

⇓

I don't rub things in people's faces.

#353

⇓

I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest x-ray looks better.

#354

⇓

I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest x-ray looks better.

#355

⇓

I thought you might like to know that your husband's chest x-ray looks better.

#356

⇓

He is finally starting to improve.

#357

⇓

Thank you so much.

#358

⇓

Thank you so much.

#359

⇓

I was really just doing my job.

#360

⇓

Oh, I'm talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us.

#361

⇓

Oh, I'm talking to Paige. She was up all night praying with us.

#362

⇓

You big jerk!

#363

⇓

You big jerk!

#364

⇓

I never go to bed very, very mad.

#365

⇓

I never go to bed very, very mad.

#366

⇓

Angry sex is awesome.

#367

⇓

I've always known if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship

#368

⇓

I've always known if I make even the slightest gesture of friendship

#369

⇓

to a difficult co-worker...

#370

⇓

Who are you?

#371

⇓

Who are you?

#372

⇓

... I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

#373

⇓

... I'll end up robbing an Asian couple's house.

#374

⇓

I couldn't help wondering what the sentence was for stealing a buddha.

#375

⇓

I couldn't help wondering what the sentence was for stealing a buddha.

#376

⇓

After all, people get pretty sensitive about religion.

#377

⇓

Could I comment on the baptism dress?

#378

⇓

Could I comment on the baptism dress?

#379

⇓

Wait to see the matching slippers and handbag.

#380

⇓

You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day

#381

⇓

You're actually encouraging him to cross-dress on the same day

#382

⇓

you're introducing him to a religion

#383

⇓

you're introducing him to a religion

#384

⇓

that will condemn him to hell for it. That's a trauma two-fer.

#385

⇓

that will condemn him to hell for it. That's a trauma two-fer.

#386

⇓

Can you two please just try to get along?

#387

⇓

Can you two please just try to get along?

#388

⇓

I'm getting some blush for Jack,

#389

⇓

because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.

#390

⇓

because this lace collar is washing out his face. Terrible.

#391

⇓

Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr Donnelly better?

#392

⇓

Paige, will you just acknowledge that medicine made Mr Donnelly better?

#393

⇓

Fine, it was medicine.

#394

⇓

Fine, it was medicine.

#395

⇓

Thank God for creating medicine.

#396

⇓

Thank God for creating medicine.

#397

⇓

That's it! That is it!

#398

⇓

Now, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one.

#399

⇓

Now, you may be a total goner, but God's not getting his hands on this one.

#400

⇓

No way. No how.

#401

⇓

No way. No how.

#402

⇓

Come on, Jackie boy, we've got places to go.

#403

⇓

Come on, Jackie boy, we've got places to go.

#404

⇓

- Turk, I'm ready! - All right.

#405

⇓

- Turk, I'm ready! - All right.

#406

⇓

So angry sex is awesome. That's no reason to go down a bad road.

#407

⇓

So angry sex is awesome. That's no reason to go down a bad road.

#408

⇓

So angry sex is awesome. That's no reason to go down a bad road.

#409

⇓

Baby, you know what I miss?

#410

⇓

Baby, you know what I miss?

#411

⇓

When your body was kickin'.

#412

⇓

I ain't touching no damn diapers.

#413

⇓

I ain't touching no damn diapers.

#414

⇓

Baby, all I'm saying is, in some European countries,

#415

⇓

Baby, all I'm saying is, in some European countries,

#416

⇓

it's totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress.

#417

⇓

it's totally acceptable for a man to have a mistress.

#418

⇓

What are you?

#419

⇓

What are you?

#420

⇓

I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said.

#421

⇓

I'm gonna make you pay for every word you said.

#422

⇓

Worth it.

#423

⇓

Now that I'm on the lam, I thought about two things:

#424

⇓

One, what my prison name would be.

#425

⇓

One, what my prison name would be.

#426

⇓

Gizmo.

#427

⇓

And two, whether some relationships were beyond repair.

#428

⇓

And two, whether some relationships were beyond repair.

#429

⇓

Then fate threw me another curve.

#430

⇓

Then fate threw me another curve.

#431

⇓

- Who's your friend? - My boy in a dress. Who's yours?

#432

⇓

Seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit,

#433

⇓

Seeing as he gave me the strength to outrun the sheriff's K-9 unit,

#434

⇓

I'd say he's my new god.

#435

⇓

I'd say he's my new god.

#436

⇓

You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours.

#437

⇓

You can rub mine's belly if I can rub yours.

#438

⇓

Don't you touch my son.

#439

⇓

Angry sex is like a drug. I can't stop.

#440

⇓

I'll be right out. I'm fixing my hair.

#441

⇓

I'll be right out. I'm fixing my hair.

#442

⇓

Rake's in the closet, baby.

#443

⇓

Help me!

#444

⇓

Turk, just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it.

#445

⇓

Turk, just go back to the way things were. Carla loved it.

#446

⇓

Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.

#447

⇓

Trying to make a baby with you is the sexiest thing in the world to her.

#448

⇓

I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby

#449

⇓

I'm a man. I've been programmed to think that a baby

#450

⇓

is the worst possible consequence of sex.

#451

⇓

Well, it's not.

#452

⇓

Well, it's not.

#453

⇓

Honey for my honey.

#454

⇓

Honey for my honey.

#455

⇓

Why are you stopping?

#456

⇓

Losing a baseball scholarship because a bear ate your arm

#457

⇓

is a much worse consequence of sex.

#458

⇓

is a much worse consequence of sex.

#459

⇓

You have to help me end this angry sex cycle.

#460

⇓

You have to help me end this angry sex cycle.

#461

⇓

I'm ready.

#462

⇓

Carla, Turk's making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good.

#463

⇓

Carla, Turk's making you mad on purpose because the angry sex is so good.

#464

⇓

The cycle is broken.

#465

⇓

The cycle is broken.

#466

⇓

There will be no whining or crying while we sit here.

#467

⇓

- He seems fine. - I wasn't talking to him.

#468

⇓

- He seems fine. - I wasn't talking to him.

#469

⇓

I don't whine or cry.

#470

⇓

I don't whine or cry.

#471

⇓

Really? How do you explain these photos of you whining and crying

#472

⇓

as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?

#473

⇓

as you run away from the Kwans' apartment?

#474

⇓

- These are coasters. - My camera's broken.

#475

⇓

- These are coasters. - My camera's broken.

#476

⇓

- You turned me into a felon! - You know what there, Newbie?

#477

⇓

- You turned me into a felon! - You know what there, Newbie?

#478

⇓

You can go to the baptism. And take Jack.

#479

⇓

You can go to the baptism. And take Jack.

#480

⇓

Jordan'll kill me if he's not there. Plus, I know you.

#481

⇓

You're one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.

#482

⇓

You're one watered-down appletini away from trying to fix my sister and me.

#483

⇓

No. If there's one thing I learned from this guy,

#484

⇓

No. If there's one thing I learned from this guy,

#485

⇓

I need to stop fixing people's relationships.

#486

⇓

I need to stop fixing people's relationships.

#487

⇓

You're welcome.

#488

⇓

I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs.

#489

⇓

I've never known you to judge a person based on their beliefs.

#490

⇓

You're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.

#491

⇓

You're pretty tolerant of everyone. Except Hugh Jackman.

#492

⇓

I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much.

#493

⇓

I just don't understand why your sister being religious bothers you so much.

#494

⇓

- It doesn't. - Then why are you so angry?

#495

⇓

- It doesn't. - Then why are you so angry?

#496

⇓

So do you like pie? "Look at me.

#497

⇓

So do you like pie? "Look at me.

#498

⇓

Do I look like a guy who doesn't like pie? I love pie."

#499

⇓

Incidentally, where do you buy your loincloths?

#500

⇓

Incidentally, where do you buy your loincloths?

#501

⇓

I don't think I can do this without Perry. He's my everything.

#502

⇓

I don't think I can do this without Perry. He's my everything.

#503

⇓

It would be weird if you were like that.

#504

⇓

It would be weird if you were like that.

#505

⇓

- Right? Yeah. - Yeah.

#506

⇓

I don't understand why we can't have fun.

#507

⇓

I don't understand why we can't have fun.

#508

⇓

I'm glad you had to hurt my feelings.

#509

⇓

I'm glad you had to hurt my feelings.

#510

⇓

- I can't believe you! Calm down. - Calm down? I'm gonna kill you!

#511

⇓

You hear that? She's gonna kill me. Get her.

#512

⇓

You hear that? She's gonna kill me. Get her.

#513

⇓

OK, look. You two stop fighting or I will turn this church around!

#514

⇓

OK, look. You two stop fighting or I will turn this church around!

#515

⇓

Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

#516

⇓

Sometimes I think it takes a child to make you see the light.

#517

⇓

(gentle music)

#518

⇓

(gentle music)

#519

⇓

Isn't he beautiful?

#520

⇓

Yeah. He is.

#521

⇓

Yeah. He is.

#522

⇓

Oh, wow!

#523

⇓

Oh, wow!

#524

⇓

Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?

#525

⇓

Has anyone ever told you you're an extremely average athlete?

#526

⇓

That's cold, sis. Ice cold.

#527

⇓

You know, I've been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.

#528

⇓

You know, I've been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.

#529

⇓

You know, I've been thinking about why I hate seeing you so much.

#530

⇓

Please, Perry, don't hold back.

#531

⇓

It's not the God stuff.

#532

⇓

It's not the God stuff.

#533

⇓

I've worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood.

#534

⇓

I've worked hard to try to forget everything about our childhood.

#535

⇓

But when I see you,

#536

⇓

I... I can't think about anything else.

#537

⇓

I... I can't think about anything else.

#538

⇓

It's hard for me too.

#539

⇓

I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.

#540

⇓

I don't see why you can't be there for the major events in Jack's life.

#541

⇓

I'd love to see him turn three.

#542

⇓

The major events, Paige:

#543

⇓

The major events, Paige:

#544

⇓

His graduation, his wedding, his divorce and his funeral. The big four.

#545

⇓

His graduation, his wedding, his divorce and his funeral. The big four.

#546

⇓

I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding.

#547

⇓

I beat you at Horse, he has a church wedding.

#548

⇓

Done.

#549

⇓

- That went in, didn't it? - Did you thank the G-man for that?

#550

⇓

- That went in, didn't it? - Did you thank the G-man for that?

#551

⇓

- That was all me, baby. - Yeah, it was.

#552

⇓

- That was all me, baby. - Yeah, it was.

#553

⇓

So maybe relationships can be fixed.

#554

⇓

So maybe relationships can be fixed.

#555

⇓

Whether it's by coming around to your spouse's way of thinking...

#556

⇓

Whether it's by coming around to your spouse's way of thinking...

#557

⇓

I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy,

#558

⇓

I'm sorry. I didn't get how this baby-making stuff could be sexy,

#559

⇓

but I do now.

#560

⇓

but I do now.

#561

⇓

Well, you know, Turk,

#562

⇓

I can get angry if you give me a little help.

#563

⇓

I can get angry if you give me a little help.

#564

⇓

If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito.

#565

⇓

If you had no hair, you'd look like Danny DeVito.

#566

⇓

Turk, a little help.

#567

⇓

Turk, a little help.

#568

⇓

... or by reassuring the Kwans that their big guy didn't desert them.

#569

⇓

... or by reassuring the Kwans that their big guy didn't desert them.

#570

⇓

In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

#571

⇓

In the end, you just have to be willing to take the first step.

#572

⇓

By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring... sometime.

#573

⇓

By the way, if you want, Jack's birthday is in the spring... sometime.

#574

⇓

March 21 st. Bye, Perry.

#575

⇓

March 21 st. Bye, Perry.

#576

⇓

Bye, Paige.

#577

⇓

- You know, Paige is a silly name. - Perry's worse.

#578

⇓

- You know, Paige is a silly name. - Perry's worse.

#579

⇓

Edited by Access Innovation Media www.ai-media.tv

#580

⇓

Edited by Access Innovation Media www.ai-media.tv

#581

⇓