Giffer
Gallery
Login
Home
»
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S03E14 — Bums - Making a Mess All Over the City
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Combine Images
Clear
❮
✕
❯
Season 3, Episode 14 — Bums - Making a Mess All Over the City
(gurgling)
#1
⇓
(continues)
#2
⇓
(continues)
#3
⇓
My God.
#4
⇓
There's a masturbating bum in the alley.
#5
⇓
- He's masturbating. - Yeah. I know about that guy.
#6
⇓
Masturbating bums are bad for business.
#7
⇓
I saw that guy's wiener.
#8
⇓
He's gonna rip it off one of these days. It's disgusting.
#9
⇓
This whole goddamn neighborhood is going to shit.
#10
⇓
There is a deteriorating situation and we gotta do something about it.
#11
⇓
We should get a junkyard dog. A really mean, nasty junkyard dog.
#12
⇓
We'll chain him up in the alley. We'll scare away the bums.
#13
⇓
- That's it. - It's not just about our alley.
#14
⇓
It's about this whole neighborhood.
#15
⇓
I think we should make this whole neighborhood safe again.
#16
⇓
- Yeah. - Leaning towards the dog idea.
#17
⇓
- You like the dog idea? - I'd go for a dog.
#18
⇓
Now, first order of business is thanking Jean for working so hard
#19
⇓
on our monthly crime watch newsletter.
#20
⇓
- Do you have a question? - Yeah. New to the crew.
#21
⇓
Quick question about the uniform situation.
#22
⇓
Now, I like to cut my sleeves off. It's kind of my look.
#23
⇓
So I'm wondering if the tailor is provided for us,
#24
⇓
or I'm left to my own devices.
#25
⇓
We don't have uniforms. Now, but... Yes?
#26
⇓
- Will you be providing the weapons? - No.
#27
⇓
No. I get it. Okay. We go buy the weapons.
#28
⇓
We tell you how much we spent, and you reimburse us. Great.
#29
⇓
- It doesn't work like that. - You gotta give him a receipt.
#30
⇓
- I'd make a copy of the receipt. - You give them the original.
#31
⇓
I would give them the original and I would keep the copy?
#32
⇓
- That seems stupid. - That's how reimbursement works.
#33
⇓
If something happens to the weapons, I'm shit out of luck?
#34
⇓
You ask them for the original back. I'm sure they got a system.
#35
⇓
Why would they keep the original? I'm the one that bought the gun.
#36
⇓
- It's a gun now. - It's always been a gun, Dee.
#37
⇓
Excuse me. Hi. We don't carry weapons.
#38
⇓
We're just a neighborhood watch.
#39
⇓
Wait. So you people don't apprehend criminals?
#40
⇓
If we see anything suspicious, we call the police.
#41
⇓
The police? The police.
#42
⇓
The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless,
#43
⇓
and you people are counting on the police?
#44
⇓
Clearly we are gonna have to handle this ourselves, Dee.
#45
⇓
You, sir, have wasted my time, and the time of my associate.
#46
⇓
Dee, get my coat.
#47
⇓
FRANNK: You hear barking? - I don't hear no dogs.
#48
⇓
They'll run out and bite you in the nuts.
#49
⇓
- They're probably sleeping. - Probably chained up.
#50
⇓
- I don't hear a dog. - We'll ask this guy.
#51
⇓
Excuse me, sir. Where am I finding your junkyard dogs?
#52
⇓
- My what? - We wanna buy a junkyard dog.
#53
⇓
- We want the most vicious one. - Yeah, a really nasty dog.
#54
⇓
- Really nasty dog. - We don't have no dogs.
#55
⇓
What... I'm sorry. Is this not a junkyard?
#56
⇓
- You don't have a dog? - We got a cat round here somewhere.
#57
⇓
- Cat? We don't want a cat. - Wait a minute.
#58
⇓
Wait a minute. Believe me, that's a tough cat.
#59
⇓
It was born in a pool of gasoline, on a piece of rusty scrap metal.
#60
⇓
I've seen that cat jump through barbed wire into a vat of hot tar.
#61
⇓
- That cat is indestructible. - We don't want no cat.
#62
⇓
- Great. It's a cat. We want a dog. - Wait a second.
#63
⇓
I wouldn't mind taking a look at that cat.
#64
⇓
Come on, dude. What are we gonna do with a cat?
#65
⇓
- Go ahead. Knock yourself out. - Is that a cop car?
#66
⇓
If we park that in front of Paddy's, no more bums.
#67
⇓
No problems, period.
#68
⇓
- Is that old cop car for sale? - Everything's for sale.
#69
⇓
- We'll take it. - And throw in that cat.
#70
⇓
CHARLIE: This thing's cool, right? - Yeah, it's very cool.
#71
⇓
- The seating's a little tight. - The seating is very tight.
#72
⇓
- It's cramped. - I know it's cramped.
#73
⇓
Maybe if a certain someone didn't buy a certain something,
#74
⇓
there'd be a little bit more room up here.
#75
⇓
This guy's not the problem. You're the problem.
#76
⇓
- I'm the problem, dude? - You're the problem.
#77
⇓
- Why don't you jump in the back? - I called shotgun.
#78
⇓
- I wanna fiddle with the gadgets. - Fool with them.
#79
⇓
- Why are we stopped? - Yeah, why are we stopped?
#80
⇓
- It's a red light. BOTH: We're in a cop car.
#81
⇓
Make her sing. (siren blaring)
#82
⇓
(tires screeching) (horn honks)
#83
⇓
(laughing, whooping)
#84
⇓
- Boom. - We look so stupid.
#85
⇓
We look awesome. Throw that on.
#86
⇓
- I'm not putting on a beret. - Gotta wear the beret.
#87
⇓
It's terrible, and I don't get the point.
#88
⇓
It sends a message, Dee.
#89
⇓
The Guardian Angels wore the same, exact outfit...
#90
⇓
when they cleaned up the streets of New York City in the 1970s.
#91
⇓
We look like Rerun.
#92
⇓
You know what I hear when you talk like that?
#93
⇓
A scared little girl who's never had anyone fear her.
#94
⇓
Fear is power. Don't you get that? It's like a drug.
#95
⇓
Once you get a taste of it, you can never get enough.
#96
⇓
If I promise to wear this stupid thing, will you stop talking?
#97
⇓
Absolutely. All right. Let's roll.
#98
⇓
- What's that? - That's my mini bat.
#99
⇓
- You're gonna hit that bum? - No, I'm not gonna hit anybody.
#100
⇓
That's the best part about fear and intimidation.
#101
⇓
All you gotta do is look the part.
#102
⇓
Now what do you think about these suspenders?
#103
⇓
- You ready? - I guess so.
#104
⇓
Let's clean up the streets. This is how it's gonna work.
#105
⇓
You're gonna walk up to him. You'll kindly ask him to leave.
#106
⇓
He's gonna see me with the bat, looking tough. He's gone.
#107
⇓
That's it?
#108
⇓
That's all you need to do when you look like a badass, Dee.
#109
⇓
- That's not gonna work. - Yes, it will.
#110
⇓
Mac, I can hear it. Come on. He's smiling at me.
#111
⇓
All right, give me the bat. You know what, asshole?
#112
⇓
(grunting)
#113
⇓
You like that, bitch? (groans)
#114
⇓
I am not your little pinup girl
#115
⇓
for you to tug your rotten pecker at!
#116
⇓
(groaning) Get out of here.
#117
⇓
You're one crazy bitch.
#118
⇓
I don't wanna see you or your dirty balls in my alley again!
#119
⇓
(panting)
#120
⇓
- Yeah, you took my bat. - I kicked that guy's ass.
#121
⇓
I would have helped you. I need my bat back.
#122
⇓
- That was awesome. - Next time just don't take my bat.
#123
⇓
Freeze, punk. Cool?
#124
⇓
Gonna ride around in a cop car, can't do it in street clothes.
#125
⇓
- People will think you stole it. - That's awesome. Where's mine?
#126
⇓
Charlie, these things cost me a pretty penny.
#127
⇓
Yeah, Frank really sprung for all the bells and whistles.
#128
⇓
You shitting me? You didn't get me one?
#129
⇓
You guys know how I love dressing up in costumes. Bullshit.
#130
⇓
You can't have three guys dressed in cop suits
#131
⇓
n the front seat of a cop car. It don't look right.
#132
⇓
- Plus we need room for Agent Bauer. - Well, who's Agent Bauer?
#133
⇓
You're gonna let the stupid junkyard cat ride up front?
#134
⇓
It smells like it's been dumped in a bucket of piss.
#135
⇓
Do not refer to him as a junkyard cat.
#136
⇓
He has a name. Agent Jack Bauer.
#137
⇓
I don't wanna ride around in the back seat.
#138
⇓
You can be disguised as an undercover cop in the back seat.
#139
⇓
Yeah. Then you can wear all the disguises you want.
#140
⇓
Damn it! That is such a good idea.
#141
⇓
No one's gonna know, dude. I'm gonna be like, "You're busted".
#142
⇓
"Hello. How you doing? You're busted."
#143
⇓
Let's get you back to CTU, Agent Bauer.
#144
⇓
(meows)
#145
⇓
Over here, pal.
#146
⇓
- Hey. Boys in blue. - What's shaking, pal?
#147
⇓
You fellas hungry? Couple my best dogs, on the house.
#148
⇓
That sounds like the move.
#149
⇓
Yeah, you boys cruise in one of the old models?
#150
⇓
Yeah. This is a piece of junk. They're cutting back.
#151
⇓
The brass is breaking our balls.
#152
⇓
What'd this guy do?
#153
⇓
We caught him diddling kids over at a playground.
#154
⇓
- Yeah, he's a perv. - We're gonna bust him up good.
#155
⇓
You just go and get us a couple of those tasty dogs.
#156
⇓
- Okay. Let me see what I can do. - Okay.
#157
⇓
Holy shit, that actually worked.
#158
⇓
These uniforms are gonna pay for themselves 10 times over.
#159
⇓
- You're brilliant, man. - You know what else I realized?
#160
⇓
They didn't even realize I was an undercover cop.
#161
⇓
I'm gonna become Al Pacino in Serpico.
#162
⇓
- I'm gonna be Al Pacino... - Get in there. You'll ruin it.
#163
⇓
Here you go, boys. You keep up the good work.
#164
⇓
All right. Thanks, pal.
#165
⇓
(laughing) I got a great Serpico costume.
#166
⇓
- Diddle.... - Yeah, it's...
#167
⇓
- It's really something else. - I don't care. Get in the car.
#168
⇓
- Don't push my head like that. - Let's go, Frank.
#169
⇓
Dennis, do you have to take that cat everywhere we go?
#170
⇓
Yeah. He's awesome. He's hilarious.
#171
⇓
It's a mangy cat.
#172
⇓
(imitating Al Pacino) I don't like the cat.
#173
⇓
- Serpico doesn't like the cat. - I don't give a shit,
#174
⇓
'cause you're not Serpico. I'm going on record.
#175
⇓
We gotta get rid of that cat. It stinks.
#176
⇓
We're not getting rid of the cat. There's nothing you guys can do.
#177
⇓
- The cat outranks you. - I'm not outranked by a cat.
#178
⇓
Yeah, you are. Cat's a special agent.
#179
⇓
Are you a special agent? Here's a special agent over there.
#180
⇓
Look at this guy here. He's jaywalking.
#181
⇓
- Take it easy, Charlie. - No. Back me up here.
#182
⇓
- I'm going in. Hey, guy! FRANK: Where you going?
#183
⇓
Hello, guy! You wanna stop for a second?
#184
⇓
You like just crossing the street whenever you want,
#185
⇓
making up your own laws? - I'm sorry...
#186
⇓
You ought to be sorry. You just jaywalked, buddy.
#187
⇓
You gonna give me a ticket?
#188
⇓
That depends on how much money you got in your wallet.
#189
⇓
I don't know. Like, 15 bucks, I guess.
#190
⇓
- Fork it over. - And the watch.
#191
⇓
- You're serious? - Do I look like I'm smiling?
#192
⇓
- Are we smiling? - I can't believe this is happening.
#193
⇓
Believe it, buddy. Give me your watch. Come on.
#194
⇓
- Get out of here. Useless. - Yeah, get the hell out of here.
#195
⇓
Put an egg in your shoe and beat it.
#196
⇓
What the hell was that shit right there?
#197
⇓
- We got 15 bucks. - Here, take your cut.
#198
⇓
I don't want a cut.
#199
⇓
You don't take your cut, how do we know how to trust you?
#200
⇓
That's dirty money. Look, guys, we're cops.
#201
⇓
We're not out here to bribe people.
#202
⇓
Will you stop doing that stupid voice? What are you doing?
#203
⇓
- I told you I was gonna do Pacino. - You sound like an asshole.
#204
⇓
You guys are taking bribes now. That's bullshit. I'm walking.
#205
⇓
You're gonna do Christopher Walken now?
#206
⇓
I'm not doing Christopher Walken. I'm walking from the situation.
#207
⇓
- Get the hell out of here. - Go on.
#208
⇓
You guys are crooked cops, and I don't like it.
#209
⇓
- The kid's nuts. - He's an idiot. Give me my cut.
#210
⇓
Here's five bucks. I'll take the 10.
#211
⇓
- I'm keeping the watch. - Keep the watch.
#212
⇓
- I'm going to. - Watch out for the cars.
#213
⇓
Hey! Hold it. (brakes squealing)
#214
⇓
- Hey, toots. Knock, knock. - Can I help you?
#215
⇓
The real question is, can we help you?
#216
⇓
My partner and I have been cleaning up the streets the past couple days.
#217
⇓
- Is that right? - Yeah, that's right.
#218
⇓
We know how the system works. You can't get your hands dirty.
#219
⇓
We're not afraid of that.
#220
⇓
Getting physical is not a problem for us.
#221
⇓
We are all on the same team.
#222
⇓
If you could fast-track us through a citizen-deputy type program...
#223
⇓
And toss us a couple of badges, make it all legal.
#224
⇓
- We can work together on this. - Well, let's see.
#225
⇓
I'm fresh out of badges. (chuckles)
#226
⇓
- I get it. - I see what you did.
#227
⇓
I sense your sarcasm. I'm used to it.
#228
⇓
Doesn't help, and I don't appreciate it.
#229
⇓
It just hurts my feelings,
#230
⇓
because we are sticking our necks out for you guys,
#231
⇓
and, frankly, doing your job better than you are.
#232
⇓
Really? I tell you what.
#233
⇓
I do know of a neighborhood that could use your help.
#234
⇓
- Perfect. Where? - Davis? Leroy?
#235
⇓
These two Guardian Angels would love to help you clean up your beat.
#236
⇓
(both snickering)
#237
⇓
Okay, gentlemen, thank you for the ride.
#238
⇓
Quick question. What time are you picking us up?
#239
⇓
No... Shit. Okay. (hip-hop on boom box)
#240
⇓
- Well, we're screwed. - No, Dee. Relax, okay?
#241
⇓
So we are in a lower socioeconomic, African-American neighborhood.
#242
⇓
We're Guardian Angels. We're tough, right?
#243
⇓
- Okay! Stop doing that. - Guardian Angels, right?
#244
⇓
We're Guardian Angels, blind to this kind of thing.
#245
⇓
- Yes, okay. - We can do this.
#246
⇓
We are gonna make these streets safe.
#247
⇓
We'll make these streets safe. (gunshot)
#248
⇓
- That was a gunshot. - Let's get out of here.
#249
⇓
- Where is the bus stop? - Let's find a guy and ask him.
#250
⇓
- He seems safe. Let's ask him. - He seems nice.
#251
⇓
Excuse me, sir. Thank God we found you.
#252
⇓
We are in a very rough neighborhood and we are lost.
#253
⇓
Could you please direct us to the nearest bus stop?
#254
⇓
(gun cocks)
#255
⇓
- How you doing? - Hi. How are you?
#256
⇓
- I'm good. You moving in soon? - Pardon me?
#257
⇓
You've been loitering on this corner for the last 20 minutes
#258
⇓
like you own the goddamn place. - I don't think I follow you.
#259
⇓
Don't get cute with me, pal. I will jam you up so hard.
#260
⇓
I'll jam you from morning till night. You wanna get jammed up?
#261
⇓
- You like getting jammed up? - No.
#262
⇓
No. I didn't think so. Good. Give me that wallet.
#263
⇓
Yeah.
#264
⇓
- Let's go. Come on. - All right.
#265
⇓
What do we got here? Time to hit the ATM.
#266
⇓
So I'll have five hot dogs.
#267
⇓
I want you to mash one of them up in a bowl.
#268
⇓
Put some milk or some water. Mash it up nice and good,
#269
⇓
but four regulars, five hot dogs altogether.
#270
⇓
I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but no more free hot dogs.
#271
⇓
Maybe if it was just you I could swing it,
#272
⇓
but it's you, your partner, and now I'm feeding your cat?
#273
⇓
I just can't afford it. - Wait a minute. Hold on.
#274
⇓
- Hold on. - Where are our hot dogs?
#275
⇓
He won't cough up the hot dogs.
#276
⇓
This goddamn cat is screwing up everything.
#277
⇓
- We gotta get rid of the cat. - Tough titties, pal.
#278
⇓
- I'm not getting rid of the cat. - Tough titties?
#279
⇓
Dennis, this thing with the cat has gone too far.
#280
⇓
I'm putting my foot down. It's gonna be either the cat or me.
#281
⇓
- Okay, I choose the cat. - Then I'm taking the badge.
#282
⇓
What are you doing? Are you crazy? Get out of here.
#283
⇓
I bought that badge, I bought this uniform
#284
⇓
and I bought that cop car. - I don't give a shit.
#285
⇓
I'm gonna tell you something, buddy.
#286
⇓
Your days as a cop of this town are over.
#287
⇓
You and that mangy cat. (chuckling)
#288
⇓
(imitating Al Pacino) This is a stinking hellhole of a town.
#289
⇓
And I'm gonna clean it up.
#290
⇓
(exhales) Let's do this thing.
#291
⇓
Now I feel very powerless. I don't like it.
#292
⇓
I would like to beat somebody up so I could feel better.
#293
⇓
You try to do something good, and you get nothing in return.
#294
⇓
- What is the point? - Respect. Reward.
#295
⇓
Compensation for a job well done.
#296
⇓
- What's with the cat? - Don't start in on the cat.
#297
⇓
I swear to God, I will jam you into the middle of next week.
#298
⇓
We will jam and jam and jam
#299
⇓
until there is nothing left of the two of you to jam.
#300
⇓
- Do you understand? - Not really.
#301
⇓
- Calm down, dude. - All right, here's the situation.
#302
⇓
Frank and I got a cop car. We were cruising around in it.
#303
⇓
We were acting like cops.
#304
⇓
Everything was going great, but then it got to Frank's head,
#305
⇓
and he squeezed me out.
#306
⇓
You two have not begun to feel the power and respect that you get
#307
⇓
when you are cruising around in a cop car.
#308
⇓
We've been cleaning up the streets, and all we've gotten is mugged.
#309
⇓
- You deserve better than that. - We deserve better than that.
#310
⇓
So here's what we gotta do. We gotta get rid of Frank.
#311
⇓
We gotta get our hands on that cop car.
#312
⇓
- Okay. I'm in. What's the plan? - All right.
#313
⇓
Frank's got beef with a certain hot dog vendor,
#314
⇓
and I was thinking if something bad were to happen to his cart...
#315
⇓
Well, we could put the frame on Frank.
#316
⇓
Really get him into some trouble. Right, Jack?
#317
⇓
- Bingo. - What'd you say, Charlie?
#318
⇓
- You just said something. - No, I was...
#319
⇓
I think you said "bingo".
#320
⇓
Stop playing with the tape recorder. Go clean those bathrooms.
#321
⇓
(chuckles) - That's not a... - Charlie, clean the bathroom.
#322
⇓
What is this?
#323
⇓
That right there is a tale of corruption and intrigue,
#324
⇓
the likes of which are gonna rock this city.
#325
⇓
- Spin Doctors mix? - I taped over the Spin Doctors mix.
#326
⇓
Sir, I do not have time to listen to your mix tape.
#327
⇓
No, it's not a...
#328
⇓
(whispering) Look, I'm ready to blow my whistle here.
#329
⇓
You know what I'm saying? I got a list of corruption charges.
#330
⇓
Extortion, bribery, junkyard cats. This is nasty, heavy stuff.
#331
⇓
Now, you gonna listen to this tape or not?
#332
⇓
- No, I am not. - I get it.
#333
⇓
You're one of them. A crooked cop.
#334
⇓
Yeah, I get it! Everybody's a crooked cop.
#335
⇓
Am I the only cop left in Philadelphia who ain't crooked?
#336
⇓
I see what's happening. You wanna come at Serpico?
#337
⇓
Who wants a piece of Serpico? 'Cause I'll give it to you.
#338
⇓
I'll give a piece, 'cause you're forgetting about this.
#339
⇓
And you're forgetting about... whatever the hell that is.
#340
⇓
But you're forgetting about it.
#341
⇓
And I'm gonna take this right to the mayor,
#342
⇓
and you're gonna remember.
#343
⇓
We really gotta do something about these homeless people.
#344
⇓
That kitty is really loving this Molotov cocktail.
#345
⇓
There, Jack. That's not a toy.
#346
⇓
He's slurping down that gasoline. What's the deal with that?
#347
⇓
Yeah, he's got a thing for gasoline. He was born in a pool of it.
#348
⇓
Hello.
#349
⇓
Just stopped in for a cold beer to enjoy with my free hot dog.
#350
⇓
You parked in a red zone.
#351
⇓
I'm gonna let it fly this time, but be careful.
#352
⇓
Thanks, Frank. I appreciate that. I'll take care of it.
#353
⇓
Special Agent Bauer and I intend to take care of a few things today.
#354
⇓
(door opens) Hey there. What's going on?
#355
⇓
Up to no good? A little crime and corruption?
#356
⇓
I hope you guys don't mind if I borrow this.
#357
⇓
Charlie, what are you doing?
#358
⇓
- Charlie, where you going? - You know where I'm going, Frank.
#359
⇓
- Charlie, drop your weapon. - Don't do that.
#360
⇓
MAC: What are you doing? - I'm putting an end to this!
#361
⇓
(groans) - No. Charlie... - We were supposed to be cops.
#362
⇓
We were supposed to care about justice and it got to your head.
#363
⇓
- I'll get a hose. - That's not gonna do any good.
#364
⇓
I doused the whole car full of gasoline.
#365
⇓
(together) What?
#366
⇓
Goddamn it, Jack Bauer. You really are the man.
#367
⇓
Okay, Mr. Mayor. Feast your ears on that Spin Doctors mix.
#368
⇓
(laughing)
#369
⇓
Combine Images
Clear Selection
Combined Images
