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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E11 — The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 11 — The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Cracks the Liberty Bell

Air date: November 06, 2008

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The gang fudge history by claiming that Paddy's Pub was responsible for cracking the Liberty Bell in an attempt to turn their dive into a Philadelphia landmark.

Source: TMDB

↓

MAC: He really has an ugly face.

face ugly

↓

DENNIS: He does. He is certainly ugly.

certainly dennis ugly

↓

That's not really what bothers me about this.

bothers

↓

What bothers me is that he looks like an old woman.

bothers woman

↓

MAC: Well, he is wearing a lot of blush on those cheekbones.

blush wearing

↓

But I feel like that was the look of the times.

times

↓

But it's not just that though, Mac.

↓

A lot of presidents somehow end up looking like women.

looking presidents women

↓

Look at Ronald Reagan. Right? He looks...

reagan ronald ronald-reagan

↓

Why would you hang a painting like this on your wall?

hang painting wall

↓

It's the historical society, bro. They have to hang it up.

hang historical society

↓

We gotta suffer just because some old dude who looks like Meryl Streep

suffer

↓

chopped down a cherry tree 10 million years ago?

cherry chopped million million-years tree years

↓

He looks terrible!

↓

You know what? Let's take it down.

↓

It's just gonna distract us through the meeting.

distract meeting

↓

- Yeah. Let's get it down, man. - Let's do it. I'm tearing it down.

tearing

↓

MAC: It's gonna distract us.

distract

↓

- Unbelievable. Bolted to the wall. - That proves our point, man.

point proves unbelievable wall

↓

We're not the first who tried to take it down.

tried

↓

But we're gonna be the first to actually succeed.

succeed

↓

- Let's tear it down, Charlie. - Let's rip it off the wall!

charlie tear wall

↓

Guys, guys, guys! I got a pocket knife.

knife pocket

↓

- Just cut it out of the frame. DENNIS: That's a good idea.

dennis frame idea

↓

- I've had enough of this dude. - Cut it right out of the frame.

frame

↓

What are you doing?

↓

Oh... Uh...

↓

Do you want this up?

↓

- Yes. Yes, I do. - Really?

↓

May I help you gentlemen with something?

gentlemen

↓

Yeah, actually, we're here because we want

↓

to get our bar certified as a historic landmark.

certified historic landmark

↓

We want tourists to be able to come by Paddy's Pub

able paddys tourists

↓

as part of the walking tour of Philly.

part philly tour walking

↓

They can come by, soak up some history, do some shots, get blasted.

blasted history shots soak

↓

In order to be considered as a historical site,

considered historical order site

↓

your bar would have to have some historical significance.

historical

↓

Trust us when we tell you that Paddy's Pub

paddys trust

↓

played an extremely important part in history.

extremely history part played

↓

And what part of history might that be?

history might part

↓

The cracking of the Liberty Bell, of course.

bell course cracking liberty liberty-bell

↓

(music)

music

↓

So you're claiming that your bar

claiming

↓

had a direct role in the cracking of the Liberty Bell?

bell cracking direct liberty liberty-bell role

↓

- Absolutely. - Then tell me about it.

absolutely

↓

- Well, the year was 1412... - Oh, oh. Oh, oh, no. Really?

↓

- Let Dennis... Let Dennis... - Let me tell the story, Charlie.

charlie dennis story

↓

(imitating hoofbeats)

imitating

↓

The year was 1776 and Paddy's Pub,

paddys

↓

then known, of course, as Patrick's Pub,

course known patricks

↓

was a hotbed of revolutionary activity.

activity

↓

Revolutionaries from all over the country had come together

country

↓

to gather at Patrick's Pub to speak of war and revolution.

gather patricks revolution speak

↓

Will you look at that? Sons of Liberty.

liberty sons

↓

Patriots meeting in our bar speaking of revolution and freedom.

freedom meeting patriots revolution speaking

↓

Can you believe, dear brother? We're witnessing history in the making.

believe brother dear history

↓

I do not give a shit, Deandra. Now get me a flagon of ale.

deandra

↓

Get your own ale, dick.

dick

↓

You are my slave. You have to get me flagons of ale.

slave

↓

I saved you from being burned at the stake for being a witch!

burned saved stake witch

↓

You're the one who accused me of being a witch in the first place!

accused place witch

↓

What's done is done. That's all in the past now.

past

↓

You can either be a slave witch in here or a burned-up witch outside.

burned slave witch

↓

Up to you! Flagon of ale now?

↓

Guys, guys, guys!

↓

I've got some news. I've got some terrible news.

news

↓

- McDonald, how goes it? - Not good.

mcdonald

↓

You know that chick I've been banging down at Independence Hall?

banging chick hall independence

↓

- The fat one. - She's not that fat.

↓

She's pretty fat, dude. Good one, witch. (laughs)

laughs witch

↓

Whatever. She told me in complete confidence

complete confidence

↓

that a bunch of old dudes down there are drafting a declaration.

bunch declaration drafting dudes

↓

A declaration of independence.

declaration independence

↓

Wait. Why would we want to be free from the British?

british free

↓

This declaration is gonna start an all-out war.

declaration start

↓

We have to make sure we are not on the losing side!

losing side

↓

Clearly the British are gonna win this thing.

british

↓

Clearly.

↓

We have to make sure that the Crown knows that we're on their side.

crown knows side

↓

- We have to make our declaration. - Yes.

declaration

↓

Yes. We need to make a declaration of dependence.

declaration dependence

↓

(indistinct talking)

indistinct

↓

Buy your pelts here. We have raccoon. We have foxes.

foxes pelts raccoon

↓

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Ho there, sir.

↓

Now, my good gentleman, what says you of my fine furs here?

gentleman

↓

Merrily, I be able to guide you towards some interest in purchase?

able guide interest purchase

↓

Can't understand what you're saying.

↓

- Wanna buy a fur? - Yeah!

↓

In July? No, thanks.

july thanks

↓

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Not so fast now.

fast whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

It's a nice-looking cart of pumpkins you got here.

cart looking pumpkins

↓

What says you we maketh some trade? All my furs for all your pumpkins?

pumpkins trade

↓

- No. - All right. (stuttering) I... I...

stuttering

↓

One pumpkin.

pumpkin

↓

- Deal. - All right then!

deal

↓

Wait, wait, wait! Charlie, Charlie!

charlie charlie-charlie

↓

We're not traders, Charlie. We're thieves.

charlie thieves

↓

You want his pumpkins? We kill him and take his pumpkins!

kill pumpkins

↓

This is 1776! We'll get away with it!

↓

I can hear you.

↓

Yeah, all right. Very good. This is how it will go down.

↓

I will beat the man about the face and the neck

beat face neck

↓

and maybe the chest area and possibly the groin...

area chest groin possibly

↓

Until he's no longer consisting of life pulse.

consisting life longer pulse

↓

And then you can collect up the man's cart.

cart collect mans

↓

I shall findeth a stick.

stick

↓

Yes! Well, we'll need a stick to do the bashing. Sit tight, sir.

bashing stick tight

↓

Pick a stick. Any stick you like.

pick stick

↓

Well, methinks the rod to be the most suitable for our purposes.

purposes suitable

↓

Very nice rod. Go with that rod.

↓

Okey-dokey-dokey-doo! Uh-oh! He's gone.

dokey gone okey okey-dokey

↓

- What? He stole our furs! - Yep. Yep, yep, yep.

stole

↓

- You shithead! - Look on the bright side, Franklin.

bright bright-side franklin shithead side

↓

We got ourselves a pumpkin.

pumpkin

↓

DENNIS: This is gonna work.

dennis

↓

MAC: I can't believe you dressed like that, bro.

believe dressed

↓

Excuse me, this is a good plan.

excuse plan

↓

If we're gonna get this declaration into the hands of the Queen,

declaration hands queen

↓

we need to dress the part.

dress part

↓

That's not the way the British dress, bro. They dress like this.

british dress

↓

No. British commoners dress like you're dressed.

british dress dressed

↓

British peons. I'm dressed like a nobleman.

british dressed peons

↓

- These people respond to royalty. DEE: Hey. Hey, guys.

respond royalty

↓

- Come on. Please help. - Use your witch strength, slave.

slave strength witch

↓

It's not that much further. God!

further

↓

Pardon me. Pardon me, good sirs.

pardon sirs

↓

But, which of you gentlemen happens to be

gentlemen happens

↓

the highest-ranking military officer here?

highest military officer ranking

↓

That would be me.

↓

Cricket. Colonel Cricket.

colonel cricket

↓

What is your business, sirs?

business sirs

↓

Colonel, we are the owners of the local establishment, Patrick's Pub.

colonel establishment local owners patricks

↓

Ah. Patrick's Pub. Yes, of course. Of course.

course patricks

↓

The liberty bar. You harbor patriots.

harbor liberty patriots

↓

- Oh, whoops. No, no, no. - No!

whoops

↓

- Nayeth. - Nayeth. Bad intel there.

intel

↓

Bad intel. Bit of a miscommunication.

intel miscommunication

↓

Actually, that is why we're here. We drew up this declaration.

declaration drew

↓

We also included an illustration that we had hoped would illuminate

hoped included

↓

our intentions towards the Queen.

intentions queen

↓

This appears to be a rendering of

appears

↓

the two of you sodomizing the King,

king

↓

whilst the Queen is forced to witness.

forced queen whilst witness

↓

- No! - Goodness gracious, no!

goodness gracious

↓

Look. I'm holding homeboy's arms back.

arms holding

↓

Dennis is ready to jam him in the face.

dennis face ready

↓

The Queen is impressed.

impressed queen

↓

That's a bad guy. That's not the King.

king

↓

- We're doing bad stuff to... - Give me this.

stuff

↓

Let's get the ale. The ale. Wench, now the ale. Presenteth it.

wench

↓

Okay, set that down in front of him.

front

↓

And yes, good Colonel, we present this ale to you and your men

colonel present

↓

n hopes that it will fuel the British to victory.

british fuel hopes victory

↓

Madam.

madam

↓

Whoa! What the hell are you doing?

whoa

↓

Get out of here! You're making things worse!

worse

↓

- Get back to the bar! - Flee! Fly!

flee

↓

I'm really sorry. That was huge.

huge

↓

That hit you right in the face, didn't it?

face

↓

We don't condone that sort of thing, okay?

↓

We're gonna tar and feather the shit out of her. Don't worry.

feather worry

↓

I pray you, who is that fiery wench?

fiery pray wench

↓

Her? That's just my sister, Deandra. She's our slave.

deandra sister slave

↓

- Yeah. And a witch. - Yeah.

witch

↓

- You keep your sister as a slave? - Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Aye.

sister slave

↓

(laughs) So are we good here now? What's the deal?

deal laughs

↓

Gentlemen,

gentlemen

↓

you have both proven in the very short time that I have known you

known proven short

↓

that you are both slanderous perverts

↓

lacking any semblance of moral fortitude.

moral

↓

However, I do desire to seek further counsel with the lady.

counsel desire further lady seek

↓

The lady? The... The witch?

lady witch

↓

The same girl we've been talking about?

girl

↓

You don't really think she's a witch, do you?

witch

↓

- Yeah. Yeah, she's a witch. - I... Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

witch

↓

All right, look.

↓

I wish to court her in some manner,

court manner wish

↓

and I could use your help, because I'm not, admittedly,

admittedly

↓

very good with women.

women

↓

"Good with women"? You mean, good at women?

women

↓

You can't catch them when they run away from you?

catch

↓

Bro, it's 1776. They don't have any rights.

rights

↓

You can take 'em and force 'em to do whatever you want.

force

↓

I do not wish to take her.

wish

↓

I would like to win her favor, like a gentleman does a lady.

favor gentleman lady

↓

- That does not compute with me. - I don't understand.

↓

- Dig the accent, don't understand. - Are you saying you're gay?

accent

↓

All right! Escort them out!

escort

↓

- Oh, no. We, we, we... Okay. - Are you gonna drink the beer?

beer drink

↓

- No. Leave it. Out. - Drink the beer.

beer drink

↓

Maybe you'll get some balls and you can take the woman.

balls woman

↓

Well, I'm just saying.

↓

- Higher. - Ready?

higher ready

↓

- Yes. - All right.

↓

- Shoot. - One, two...

shoot

↓

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Three.

three whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Do not shoot that pumpkin! What are you doing?

pumpkin shoot

↓

I stole a bunch of guns. I'm testin' 'em out, Charles.

bunch charles guns stole

↓

This revolution is gonna make us a fortune.

fortune revolution

↓

Leave the pumpkin out of it. The pumpkin's innocent.

innocent pumpkin pumpkins

↓

FRANK: Shoot the pumpkin. - Do not shoot the pumpkin, please.

frank pumpkin shoot

↓

Okay.

↓

- Give me the gun. - Fine.

↓

And why is the witch slave shooting at you anyway?

shooting slave witch

↓

Maybe she used her sorcery.

used

↓

Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar,

dick dumb partner walked

↓

said he stole guns and asked me to shoot a pumpkin off his head.

asked guns head pumpkin shoot stole

↓

Of course I did, so here we are.

course

↓

- Damn your necromancy, woman! - Oh, my God.

woman

↓

Maybe if we shoot you, you won't feel it anyway, witch.

shoot witch

↓

Okay, you guys. I tell you what. You win.

↓

I'm a witch, okay?

witch

↓

I'm a witch and I curse both of you and all of your stupid guns.

curse guns stupid witch

↓

(clicks) (screams) Charlie! God damn it!

charlie clicks screams

↓

- Give me that gun! - She cursed the gun!

cursed

↓

She cursed the gun. (clicks)

clicks cursed

↓

- She put a curse on the gun! - Let's try this one.

curse

↓

(clicks) Nothin'!

clicks nothin

↓

Try me! (clicks)

clicks

↓

(indistinct talking)

indistinct

↓

Man, those Sons of Liberty sons of bitches, Dennis.

bitches dennis liberty sons

↓

Those guys are gonna get us in so much trouble.

trouble

↓

- Let's do this. - No, no!

↓

- You hang back. - What? Me? Why?

hang

↓

(teeth whistling) We need to get as much intel from these guys

intel teeth whistling

↓

as we possibly can for that Colonel Cricket.

colonel cricket possibly

↓

This fop thing's gonna blow our cover.

blow cover

↓

- What's goin' on with your mouth? - I got wooden teeth put in.

goin mouth teeth wooden wooden-teeth

↓

- Did you? - Yeah.

↓

All the patriots are doing it, including Washington,

including patriots washington

↓

which is why it makes sense, if we're going undercover!

makes makes-sense sense undercover

↓

- Not this fop bullshit! - The fop thing's good.

bullshit

↓

I got a plan with it. Yeah. Got an angle.

angle plan

↓

Fine. Okay, listen.

↓

- You let me take the lead, okay? - Yeah, okay.

lead

↓

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. - You son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

Fellas! How you doin'? A couple of flagons of ale for ya.

couple doin fellas

↓

(chuckling) So I just want to say we love what you're doing over here.

chuckling love

↓

I mean, taxation with representation, right?

representation

↓

So, what's the buzz? What are we all talking about?

buzz

↓

(effeminate British accent) Surrender maybe?

accent british british-accent surrender

↓

- We speak of revolution. - Revolution?

revolution speak

↓

Revolution? That's great! (laughs) I'm completely on top of that!

completely laughs revolution

↓

Hey, fellas, who's taking the minutes here?

fellas minutes

↓

I feel like I could be an asset to you as a secretary.

asset secretary

↓

Yes. Let's start by taking down all of their names.

names start

↓

- First and last, please. - Son of a bitch.

bitch

↓

Gentlemen, I think this meeting is adjourned.

adjourned gentlemen meeting

↓

(clears throat) Son of a bitch, dude!

bitch clears clears-throat throat

↓

What are you doing with the accent and the British... God damn it!

accent british

↓

I decided to go a different way. The spy thing wasn't working.

decided working

↓

- What way was that? - Your wooden teeth thing was bad.

teeth wooden wooden-teeth

↓

I think my teeth were a smashing success.

smashing success teeth

↓

We are in dire straits here. We need a change of plans.

change dire plans

↓

The only way we're gonna convince these people

convince

↓

that we're on their side is to become 100% British.

become british side

↓

- Become British? - We gotta commit to the fop thing.

become british commit

↓

That actually seems pretty sensible, Dennis.

dennis seems sensible

↓

No more S's for you. (mouths words)

mouths mouths-words words

↓

It's just so cramped in here.

cramped

↓

You'd think people who came here so many years before the English,

english years

↓

you'd think they'd build bigger houses.

bigger build houses theyd

↓

Yeah, you'd think they'd have huge homes.

homes huge theyd

↓

What is the sleeping situation in here?

situation sleeping

↓

You think this father and son sleep on the same bearskin together?

father sleep

↓

Probably. Where else are they gonna sleep?

sleep

↓

- What a bunch of losers! - It's a bunch of inbred savages.

bunch losers savages

↓

- I speak English. - Oh, shit! For real?

english real speak speak-english

↓

- Yes. - That's not good. We didn't mean...

↓

Our bad then. Hey, so tell me.

↓

How much land are you gonna give away for a pumpkin these days?

days land pumpkin

↓

Wait. Charlie, listen.

charlie

↓

What we need is your magical powers...

magical powers

↓

...to lift the curses from our guns.

curses guns lift

↓

(imitates gun firing) Okay? We're gonna pay ya.

firing imitates

↓

- Oh, yeah. We gotta pay ya. - We'll give you this.

↓

- We brought this for you. - Booze!

booze brought

↓

Right? Makes you feel good. Helps you sleep.

helps makes sleep

↓

Brings the tribe together.

brings tribe

↓

(speaking in native language)

language native speaking

↓

Oh! Oh! That young Indian was fast with the tomahawk.

fast indian young

↓

And he really lobbed a big hunk off your head up here.

head hunk

↓

It's gonna make me look deformed.

deformed

↓

You're gonna be deformed for the rest of your life.

deformed life rest

↓

Give me that skunk pelt.

skunk

↓

I'll use it for hair. Don't push, don't push, don't push!

hair push

↓

All right.

↓

- Does it look cool? - It looks pretty good.

cool

↓

- Lady Deandra. - Yes? Can I help you?

deandra lady

↓

Colonel Cricket.

colonel cricket

↓

We met the other day?

↓

I was the one you delivered the keg to?

delivered

↓

- You spit in my face. - Oh, yep, yep. There it is.

face spit

↓

(chuckles) Indeed.

chuckles indeed

↓

Forgive my rather unadorned approach, but...

approach forgive

↓

From the first moment I laid my eyes on you...

eyes laid moment

↓

...I was smitten.

↓

Perhaps my impatience has gotten the best of me,

best gotten perhaps

↓

but if you will have me,

↓

I would be most honored to call you my wife.

honored wife

↓

Oh! (coughs)

coughs

↓

- A simple "no" would have sufficed. (laughing) - Hey, hey.

laughing simple

↓

Okay. All right. That one got in my mouth. That's really not cool.

cool mouth

↓

You listen to me, you pale-faced English dick-hole.

dick dick-hole english faced hole pale

↓

You got a revolution coming.

coming revolution

↓

And pretty soon all of the slaves are gonna be free

free slaves

↓

and I will be owned by no man.

owned

↓

- I am a fool... - Yeah.

fool

↓

Having allowed myself to imagine us

allowed having imagine

↓

back in my sprawling manor in England.

england

↓

You on my arm adorned in magnificent garments,

garments magnificent

↓

dressed in the finest jewels and...

dressed finest

↓

Whoa, Cricks. Back it up a little bit.

cricks whoa

↓

You're talking about garments and jewelry?

garments jewelry

↓

But alas, my love cannot mend our differences.

alas cannot differences love mend

↓

Oh, no. Wait, wait! Your love... Your love can.

love

↓

Your love is... Your love is currently doing that. So you just...

currently love

↓

You didn't mention anything about the sprawling manor

mention

↓

and all the garments. That was stupid.

garments stupid

↓

- I thought you just said that... (stuttering) - Yeah, I did.

stuttering

↓

But it's... Your love, it's like...

love

↓

(grunts) It's filling me up with all kinds of stuff...

filling grunts kinds stuff

↓

- Is it? - Yeah, yeah, it is!

↓

- Let's do this! - What?

↓

Let's get married! Yeah! (chuckles)

chuckles married

↓

- Oh, Lady Deandra. - Yes!

deandra lady

↓

You have made me the happiest man alive!

alive happiest

↓

Ew! We're gonna have to work up to that 'cause you are crazy ugly.

crazy ugly

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Keep your pants on, curly.

curly pants whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

You want the slave? You gotta pay for the slave!

slave

↓

- What? - I'm sorry?

↓

We're not gonna give her to you for free.

free

↓

You gotta sweeten the pot. (blows raspberry)

blows blows-raspberry raspberry

↓

- How'd you like to buy some guns? - Yeah.

guns howd

↓

Guns?

guns

↓

- I shall buy your guns. - Yes!

guns

↓

- I shall buy your guns! - No, no, no. Not yet.

guns

↓

Hey, hey, hey.

↓

(spits) (groans)

groans spits

↓

Why does he keep spitting in my mouth? (spits)

mouth spits spitting

↓

Who is this man? (spits)

spits

↓

(in British accent) Ah, hello to you, sirs.

accent british british-accent sirs

↓

And to you, ladies.

ladies

↓

These heels are almost impossible to walk in.

heels impossible walk

↓

(normal accent) Get over it. You gotta walk in them.

accent normal walk

↓

Now let me hear the voice.

voice

↓

I don't think the voice is necessary. I'm not gonna do it.

necessary voice

↓

If we're gonna wipe away traces of our colonial background and blend in

background blend traces wipe

↓

with British culture, we need to walk the walk and talk the talk.

british culture walk

↓

Fine. How do you do it?

↓

(British accent) Your voice needs to come off as elegant as your clothes.

accent british british-accent clothes elegant needs voice

↓

Okay? So try this. (clears throat)

clears clears-throat throat

↓

Would you like a spot of tea?

spot

↓

You, "Yes!"

↓

(British accent) Would you like a spot of tea? Yes!

accent british british-accent spot

↓

- Draw it out more. - Draw it out more than that?

draw

↓

- Oh, yes. - More than that. Yes!

↓

- Yeah, but... - That's good.

↓

Those wooden teeth are killing me. That lisp is stupid.

killing stupid teeth wooden wooden-teeth

↓

The wooden teeth are what's saving this thing.

saving teeth wooden wooden-teeth

↓

- You sound ridiculous. - No, I don't. It sounds good.

ridiculous sound sounds

↓

I'm not losing the teeth. Let's just move past that.

losing past teeth

↓

Let's keep walking. Okay, try it again.

walking

↓

(in British accent) Yes!

accent british british-accent

↓

(in British accent) Yes! (laughs)

accent british british-accent laughs

↓

Yes! (laughs)

laughs

↓

- Yes! - Good, good, good.

↓

- Now flourish the pinkie. - Flourish the pinkie.

flourish pinkie

↓

- Yes! - Yes!

↓

Well, what have we got here?

↓

A pair of poofs about town.

pair poofs town

↓

Sodomites in frilly lace.

frilly lace

↓

- Oh! No, no! - No! Nayeth!

↓

Oh, nayeth, nayeth! No!

↓

We are simply two noble British men out on a stroll.

british noble simply stroll

↓

- Yes, yes. - Good day, sir.

↓

- Good day! - Oh, goodness. (chuckles)

chuckles goodness

↓

Boys, get the tar. (both chuckle)

boys chuckle

↓

Shit.

↓

(gunfire in distance) Deandra, come and help me count my gold.

count deandra distance gold gunfire

↓

I'm not your slave anymore, Franklin.

anymore franklin slave

↓

I'm about to go live like the goddamn Queen of England

england goddamn live queen

↓

and never see you two bitches again.

bitches

↓

Charles, I told you the revolution pays.

charles pays revolution

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But look at this!

↓

(normal accent) Guys, there is a full-fledged revolution

accent full normal revolution

↓

happening outside right now, it is a bloodbath!

bloodbath

↓

- We have got to do something! - What?

↓

Let's back up and talk about what this is.

↓

No, this is not important. This is not important right now!

↓

- I think it's very important! - There's a war happening outside...

↓

We were acting like British nobleman.

acting british

↓

Then he couldn't drop the she-male thing.

drop male

↓

(gunfire) So we got tarred and feathered for being sodomites!

gunfire

↓

(stammers) Not a she-male thing. (mocking stammer)

male mocking stammers

↓

It's about... God damn it! We don't have time for this!

↓

(gasping) Help!

gasping

↓

- Help me! - Are you okay? Are you dying?

dying

↓

No, no! Don't die yet!

↓

Don't die yet until you get me to your mansion!

mansion

↓

- No. I'm unscathed, my darling. - Oh, thank God.

darling

↓

- This is the blood of my men. - Yeah.

blood

↓

We suffered too many casualties. All our guns jammed!

guns jammed suffered

↓

Blame that on your witch wife. Let me see that.

blame wife witch

↓

Permit me to hide out here till British reinforcements arrive

arrive british hide permit reinforcements till

↓

and massacre the entire lot of rebels.

entire massacre rebels

↓

Then shall we escape safely together, my darling.

darling escape safely

↓

Oh! Okay. I'm gonna go get you some water.

water

↓

Cricks? When the reinforcements get here, Dennis and I are cool, right?

cool cricks dennis reinforcements

↓

We're not on your shit list.

list

↓

Like we got tarred and feathered for your ass. So...

↓

Protect me and I shall make sure that all of you

protect

↓

are safe from the mighty sword of...

mighty safe sword

↓

(all gasping) Oh, shit!

gasping

↓

God damn it, Frank! You just ruined my whole life!

frank life ruined whole whole-life

↓

Wait, wait, wait. Check his pulse.

check pulse

↓

DEE: He doesn't have a head! MAC: Oh, my God!

head

↓

If the British come in here and find this body, we are screwed!

body british screwed

↓

He's right! We gotta get rid of this body!

body

↓

- Maybe we could bury it out back. - There's no time. We gotta burn it.

burn bury

↓

Burn? It's gonna call too much attention!

attention burn

↓

- Let's chop it up into pieces! - I got an idea.

chop idea pieces

↓

- Careful man. Steady. (grunts) - It's heavy.

careful grunts heavy steady

↓

MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (bell clangs)

bell clangs whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Shit!

↓

Bro, we just broke the Liberty Bell.

bell broke liberty liberty-bell

↓

I'll get you, my pretties! (cackling)

cackling

↓

(cackling) It's totally broken!

broken cackling

↓

Stop this story! Okay?

story

↓

We weren't quite finished yet. We were just climaxing there.

finished

↓

I've finished listening.

finished listening

↓

Have you now? (groans)

groans

↓

Okay. Well, that's fair. The end, I guess.

fair

↓

So are we a historical landmark now?

historical landmark

↓

- No! - You gotta be kiddin' me.

kiddin

↓

- It's such a good story. - Yeah.

story

↓

- Maybe she didn't understand. - Maybe we skimmed too much.

↓

Let's tell the full story this time. We won't leave out any details.

details full story

↓

A lot more details. Sit back. Get comfortable.

comfortable details

↓

This is gonna take a little longer this time.

longer

↓

You ready? DENNIS: It starts the same.

dennis ready starts

↓

The year was 1776...

↓

(music)

music