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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E10 — Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 10 — Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Sweet Dee Has a Heart Attack

Air date: October 30, 2008

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

After Dee suffers a heart attack, she and Dennis try to live a healthier lifestyle. Meanwhile, Charlie and Mac take corporate jobs to get health insurance.

Source: TMDB

↓

(lighter clicks) (water bubbling)

bubbling clicks lighter water

↓

(coughing)

coughing

↓

(lighter clicks) (inhaling deeply)

clicks deeply lighter

↓

What the shit is this?

↓

Uh, cheech over here bought himself a bong.

bong bought

↓

(coughs) Deandra, this is wacky.

coughs deandra wacky

↓

Go download me a hoagie off the Internet.

download hoagie internet

↓

(Dennis laughs) I'm sorry?

dennis laughs

↓

Those words don't make any sen... Sense.

sense words

↓

Oh, God. You guys. Oh, weird. I feel weird.

weird

↓

- Rip another one. - Say something else stupid too.

another stupid

↓

My arm's kinda numb. Dennis, can you feel my head?

arms dennis head kinda numb

↓

- Am I hot? - I'm not touching you.

touching

↓

We're enjoying ourselves over here.

enjoying

↓

I'm serious. Something's not right.

serious somethings

↓

You think there's pigeons in the bar?

pigeons

↓

- What? - Pigeons in the bar.

pigeons

↓

I mean, really serious. Guys, I need some help.

serious

↓

(Frank laughing) MAC: Good one. (thud)

frank laughing thud

↓

- Oh, God, what is her problem? - I don't know.

problem

↓

(music)

music

↓

MAC: So, heart attack. - Yeah. Yikes.

attack heart heart-attack yikes

↓

That's what I was trying to say. The EMT says basically I'm like

↓

a ticking time bomb, at this point 'cause it was just a little one.

bomb point ticking

↓

I didn't know women could have it.

women

↓

What's scary about this thing is that I have the same genes as her.

genes scary

↓

Yeah, I'm concerned for myself and Charlie as well.

charlie concerned

↓

We lead a very rock-and-roll lifestyle.

lead lifestyle rock roll

↓

- I know. - I just had a heart attack.

attack heart heart-attack

↓

Can we focus on me for two minutes here?

focus minutes

↓

- I feel like we did talk about you. - Dee, your ship has sailed.

sailed ship

↓

Okay. It's time to move on to us, the people who are going to live on.

live

↓

Guys, we gotta make sure that this does not happen to us.

happen

↓

That's the important thing here. We need to focus on ourselves...

focus

↓

- Miss Reynolds? - Doctor, thank God.

doctor miss miss-reynolds reynolds

↓

Listen, let's just do all the tests you've got, okay.

tests

↓

I feel like the big one's right around the corner.

corner ones

↓

Actually, Miss Reynolds, first we need to discuss

discuss miss miss-reynolds reynolds

↓

how you'll be paying for your stay.

paying

↓

Paying? This is a hospital. (laughs)

hospital laughs paying

↓

Yeah. Since when do you pay to stay in a hospital?

hospital

↓

- Since always. - No.

↓

I believe that is what taxes are for.

believe taxes

↓

Yeah, you don't pay a fireman to put out a fire.

fire fireman

↓

Or a cop to shoot a guy.

shoot

↓

How do you not know how this works? You've been in a hospital before.

hospital works

↓

I guess I must've slipped through the cracks.

cracks mustve slipped

↓

I do always give a fake name, 'cause I like to stay off the grid.

fake fake-name grid name

↓

They usually give me a bunch of antibiotics.

antibiotics bunch usually

↓

- The sores go away, and I walk out. - Shut up!

sores walk

↓

- Doctor, I have health insurance. - Yeah.

doctor health health-insurance insurance

↓

- We're on our father's policy. FRANK: You guys!

fathers frank policy

↓

Check out this cool gown.

check cool gown

↓

Whoa. Really lets your ass breathe.

breathe whoa

↓

- Oh, my God! Wow. - Son of a bitch!

bitch

↓

- Why are you wearing that thing? - I'm gettin' a full body scan.

body full gettin scan wearing

↓

I've been partying real hard lately.

hard lately partying real real-hard

↓

Whatever. She needs to see the insurance card.

card insurance insurance-card needs

↓

I canceled that shit when you were nine.

canceled nine

↓

What, you canceled our insurance policy?

canceled insurance insurance-policy policy

↓

What, am I gonna carry that burden around?

burden carry

↓

You couldn't have given us a heads-up about that a long time ago?

given heads

↓

Okay. Let me get this straight.

straight

↓

Miss Reynolds, you have no health insurance.

health health-insurance insurance miss miss-reynolds reynolds

↓

- No, I don't. - Okay.

↓

Well, get out.

↓

(both exhales) Wow. Harsh.

exhales harsh

↓

Why is the government not providing us with health insurance?

government health health-insurance insurance providing

↓

I mean, what is this, like, some kind of socialist country

country

↓

or some kind of communist dictatorship?

communist

↓

- This is insane, un-American. - I don't know.

american insane

↓

You don't pay for health insurance. That's crazy.

crazy health health-insurance insurance

↓

All I know is we need to find insurance ASAP.

asap insurance

↓

Oh, my God. We're gonna get sick eventually.

eventually sick

↓

We just find a couple of side jobs. That way, we'll have insurance.

couple insurance jobs side

↓

And when disaster inevitably occurs, we'll be covered.

covered disaster inevitably occurs

↓

- We'll be covered. - Okay, here we go.

covered

↓

"Position available. Major sales corporation. Motivated individuals.

available corporation individuals major motivated position sales

↓

- "Good interpersonal skills." - Say no more. That's us.

skills

↓

- "Salary and benefits." - That is us.

benefits salary

↓

- Yo! MAC: Jesus.

jesus

↓

Hey. Why are you still wearing that thing, dude?

wearing

↓

- Did you wear it all the way here? - I let my ass breathe. (chuckles)

breathe chuckles wear

↓

You keep saying that, but I don't know what it means.

↓

How does an ass breathe? Explain that to me.

breathe explain

↓

Just leave me alone, okay! I can't get worked up.

alone worked

↓

My doctor told me not to get worked up.

doctor worked

↓

I'm under too much stress.

stress

↓

- Yeah. - Oh, that's a lot of pills, dude.

pills

↓

That's the beauty of havin' insurance.

beauty havin insurance

↓

You can get the top-quality antianxiety drugs.

drugs quality

↓

Wow. You got a lot of 'em, huh?

↓

- Mmm. - What are you doin'?

doin

↓

I'm takin' them because I can't sift through the duds.

duds takin

↓

I gotta take 'em all, because I gotta get healthy really fast.

fast healthy

↓

- You're takin' them all at once? - I don't think that's a good idea.

idea takin

↓

- It seems a bit aggressive. - I know what I'm doin'!

aggressive doin seems

↓

DENNIS: This is great, Dee. This is perfect.

dennis perfect

↓

Getting in shape is the best health insurance you can get.

best health health-insurance insurance shape

↓

You take care of your body, you don't need a doctor.

body care doctor

↓

- I want that. - That's right.

↓

You look good, you feel good. It's all connected.

connected

↓

You're talking about the mind-body-abs connection.

body connection mind

↓

I would personally like to get some side abs goin'.

goin personally side

↓

You wanna get some side abs? Good idea.

idea side

↓

You know what I'm concerned about? I don't wanna get too bulky.

concerned

↓

I wanna stay nice and lean and tight.

lean tight

↓

I wanna get that "Jesus on the cross" look.

cross jesus

↓

I see what you're saying. I think that crucifixion

↓

must've been really good for your core.

core mustve

↓

Absolutely. Jesus had, like, the best abs. He had the right idea.

absolutely best idea jesus

↓

Hey. He knew. No pain, no gain.

gain pain

↓

He had good messages. I'm sure He started that.

messages started

↓

All right. Let's do some cardio since we're here.

cardio

↓

Yeah. Here we are. Let's get our blood pumpin'.

blood

↓

Let's hop on these treadmills and, uh, let's do this thing.

↓

- Let's do it. - All right.

↓

- I don't know if I'm ready. - I'm not feeling ready.

feeling ready

↓

I'll tell you why. I feel a little low-energy.

energy

↓

That's what it is. We need to fuel up.

fuel

↓

Now, I see people utilizing a lot of shakes and powders around here.

shakes

↓

- We should look into that. - You know what else we should do,

↓

get some new outfits. Right? - Let's get some new outfits.

outfits

↓

That's a great idea. You decided to rock jeans, for instance.

decided idea instance jeans rock

↓

I'm confused by that. Yeah. I chose jeans.

chose confused jeans

↓

- I'm not seeing other jeans. - I've never seen jeans in a gym.

jeans seeing seen

↓

Okay. That's fine. This is what we'll do. We'll dial it back.

dial

↓

We'll get fueled up. We'll get some sick new outfits.

fueled outfits sick

↓

- Then we'll come back and work out. - Boom. Let's go.

boom

↓

(paper rustles) MAN: "Official resume of Mac and Charlie."

charlie official paper resume

↓

So both of you are...

↓

Well, gentlemen, I've never seen two people share a resume before.

gentlemen resume seen share

↓

Well, we thought we'd save paper, you know, go green.

green paper save

↓

Uh... "Work experience. Paddy's Pub management,

experience management paddys

↓

"and duties that include ordering supplies

duties include ordering supplies

↓

"and taking care of business." - T.C.O.B.

business care

↓

"Business coordinator. For several year..." I don't know who this is.

business coordinator several

↓

- Coordinator. - Okay.

coordinator

↓

"For several years, I've been in complete charge

charge complete several years

↓

"of pretty much everything in my life."

life

↓

- I don't miss a beat, you know. - That would actually be him.

beat miss

↓

Not pretty much everything.

↓

There are certain things that you just can't have control of, sir.

certain control

↓

But I think you'll find that what we lack in formal education,

education formal lack

↓

we more than make up for in street smarts. Okay?

smarts street street-smarts

↓

So we can wheel. We can deal. We can oversee hostile takeovers.

deal hostile takeovers wheel

↓

- Whatever you need, bud. - You name it.

name

↓

It's a mailroom gig. And there's only one spot available.

available mailroom spot

↓

- Mmm. - Ooh.

↓

- Kind of a package deal. - We sort of work as a team.

deal package team

↓

I tell you what, what if we split the pay right down the middle?

middle split

↓

- You'd be willing to do that? - Oh, yeah.

willing

↓

Yeah, this has nothin' to do with money.

money nothin

↓

This is sort of a health insurance situation for us.

health health-insurance insurance situation

↓

So, frankly, you don't even really have to pay us at all.

frankly

↓

(chuckling) Well, legally, I have to pay you something.

chuckling legally

↓

But, uh, minimum wage maybe...

minimum minimum-wage wage

↓

Minimum wage? Are you kiddin' me?

kiddin minimum minimum-wage wage

↓

- That's great. All right. - Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

That's a government salary right there.

government salary

↓

Well, you drive a hard bargain. The job is both of yours.

bargain drive hard

↓

- Congratulations. - Congratulations to you.

congratulations

↓

- Bro. - Yeah. Minimum wage.

minimum minimum-wage wage

↓

- Minimum wage. - All right.

minimum minimum-wage wage

↓

(music playing)

music music-playing playing

↓

Fat burner?

burner

↓

I'm already on a nitric oxide energy stack.

energy stack

↓

But, yeah, sure, I'll take some fat burner. Why not?

burner

↓

All right, everybody. Before we begin today,

begin everybody today

↓

are there any physical ailments that I should know about first?

physical

↓

Yeah. I just had a heart attack.

attack heart heart-attack

↓

- Excuse me? - I just had a heart attack.

attack excuse heart heart-attack

↓

Maybe you should turn this techno music down.

music techno techno-music

↓

Yeah. I gotta be honest, buddy. I'm not really feelin' these tunes.

buddy feelin honest tunes

↓

(music stops) Boom. There we go.

boom music music-stops stops

↓

- What are you doin'? - I'm riflin' through your music.

doin music

↓

- And it's pretty terrible. - You know what? Put it down.

↓

DEE: Does he have any '80s? - Doesn't appear to.

appear

↓

It seems like he's got a bunch of goddamn dance mixes.

bunch dance goddamn seems

↓

Whoa. Hang on. It's all good. I got a Steve Winwood CD in my car.

hang steve whoa whoa-hang

↓

- I'll just go out and grab that. - Listen, don't do that.

grab

↓

- What's wrong with Steve Winwood? - Yeah, man.

steve

↓

"Higher Love"? It's a classic.

classic higher higher-love love

↓

Listen, I pick the music in this class, okay?

class music pick

↓

- Oh. - Oh. No, no. I apologize.

apologize

↓

I had no idea that this was all about you.

idea

↓

I don't think you should even be here if you just had a heart attack.

attack heart heart-attack

↓

Well, maybe you shouldn't dress like a bumblebee, bitch.

bitch dress

↓

(laughing) Oh! You just got dogged, bro.

laughing

↓

- You just got dogged. - Guys, please, leave my class.

class

↓

(laughing) Spin class. Come on. Bunch of hamsters on a wheel.

bunch class hamsters laughing spin wheel

↓

Yeah. I'm gonna ride a bike hard, I'm gonna ride a bike fast,

bike fast hard ride

↓

and, oh, yeah, I'm not gonna go anywhere.

↓

Then when I walk out, I'm gonna put a bunch of metal onto a metal bar

bunch metal walk

↓

and lift that metal over and over like a metal jerk.

jerk lift metal

↓

I gotta be honest with you. I feel like

honest

↓

these supplements are doing a great job on their own. Know what I mean?

supplements

↓

I've got tons of energy. My heart rate's up. Things are going great.

energy heart rates tons

↓

Absolutely. I feel good too. Look how vascular I am.

absolutely vascular

↓

- Look how my veins are poppin'. - Holy shit.

holy veins

↓

- I look good, and I feel good. - I feel good, too,

↓

apart from the recent bouts of explosive diarrhea.

apart diarrhea explosive recent

↓

- Oh. You been havin' diarrhea? - Oh, God. All over the place.

diarrhea havin place

↓

Really? You know what that is?

↓

That's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.

body flushing toxins

↓

- You think so? - I do think so. Yeah, yeah.

↓

I, on the other hand, have not taken a shit in days.

days hand taken

↓

- Days? That doesn't sound good. - Days. Oh, no, it's good.

days sound

↓

My body's working at 100 percent efficiency, yeah.

bodys percent working

↓

My body is absorbing every nutrient, and it's not wasting a thing.

body wasting

↓

Your body's taking its job seriously.

bodys

↓

My body is doing its job like it's never done before.

body

↓

Okay, we're gonna start climbing just a little more.

climbing start

↓

Thirty percent more resistance.

percent resistance thirty

↓

Why don't we up the supplements, which we know work,

supplements

↓

and eliminate working out, which we know blows?

blows eliminate working

↓

That sounds like a pretty good plan. I'm gonna take it one step further,

further plan sounds step

↓

and propose that we start working on a muscle

muscle propose start start-working working

↓

that we've been neglecting this entire time.

entire

↓

And it's the most important muscle in the entire body.

body entire muscle

↓

- Which muscle? - The face.

face muscle

↓

(Higher Love playing) That's a gift for you, bumblebee.

gift higher higher-love love playing

↓

Come on. Enjoy it, Coach Dickenballs.

coach enjoy

↓

#Bring me a higher love Oh, oh

bring higher higher-love love

↓

#Bring me a higher love#

bring higher higher-love love

↓

Mr. Taylor, whose grandpa was a sailor.

grandpa sailor taylor

↓

There you go, Mr. Scott, who drinks his coffee hot.

coffee drinks scott

↓

There it is, Mr. White, whose wife is not too bright.

bright white wife

↓

There you go.

↓

Dude, I'm trying to network by the water cooler.

cooler network water

↓

And I'm doing both of our jobs here. Wanna help out, okay?

jobs

↓

The mail doesn't stop down there, Mac. I need help.

mail

↓

This is Felix's pile. He receives for Eric. He receives for Janet.

eric janet pile

↓

Don't ever look Janet in the eyes, she's a horrible devil woman.

devil devil-woman eyes horrible janet woman

↓

I feel like you are taking this shit way too seriously.

↓

Will you just help me out, man? This is Johnson's mail.

johnsons mail

↓

Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids in Orlando.

gone johnsons kids orlando week wife

↓

So I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere

neat pile stack

↓

that's all Johnson's mail. - Whoa. Wait a second.

johnsons mail second whoa

↓

- The guy's in Orlando for the week? - Yeah, man. Help me out here.

orlando week

↓

Hold on a second, bro. This is a perfect opportunity.

opportunity perfect perfect-opportunity second

↓

I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.

hang office pretend

↓

Uh, I don't think that's gonna work, dude.

↓

Uh, have you seen "The Secret of My Success"?

secret seen success

↓

Uh, they're gonna catch on to you.

catch

↓

Uh, yeah, but before they do, I will come up with an idea

idea

↓

that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me.

company forced millions promote save

↓

Uh, are you sure? How's that movie end, dude?

movie

↓

Uh, I can't remember. Actually...

remember

↓

Oh, yeah. He bangs that old lady,

bangs lady

↓

and they play that song from the '80s... "Day Bow Bow".

song

↓

What the hell is "Day Bow Bow"?

↓

#Day bow bow Chick, chicka-chicka#

chick chicka

↓

Oh!

↓

BOTH: #Day bow bow

↓

#Oh, yeah

↓

#Day bow bow (beatboxing)

↓

#Day bow bow

↓

#Beautiful Chick, chicka-chicka

chick chicka

↓

#Day bow bow#

↓

- No, Mac, seriously... - #Hello beautiful#

↓

At least give him his mail.

least mail

↓

(murmuring) Ho!

murmuring

↓

(echoes) FRANK: Meds are kickin' in.

echoes frank kickin meds

↓

(distorted) Meds are kickin' in.

distorted kickin meds

↓

Whoa.

whoa

↓

Jesus Christ, dude. What's goin' on in here?

christ goin jesus jesus-christ

↓

I'm really behind the eight ball, Mac. The mail doesn't stop.

ball behind eight eight-ball mail

↓

- You're smoking now? - Yeah, I'm smoking now.

smoking

↓

You kidding me? My nerves are like... (jabbering)

kidding nerves

↓

I'm trying to smoke. I'm trying to calm myself down.

calm smoke

↓

We got insurance, so what the hell? Have a smoke.

insurance smoke

↓

Maybe you're right. I need to calm my nerves a bit.

calm nerves

↓

- It's a shark tank up there. - Oh, yeah, is it? I bet.

shark tank

↓

Have some coffee too. That'll calm you down.

calm coffee thatll

↓

- What's your system here, bro? - It's pretty complicated.

complicated system

↓

The mail goes into three sections,

mail sections three

↓

according to how important I think the thing looks, okay?

according

↓

The least important stuff, I'm gonna burn that.

burn least stuff

↓

If it's important, they're gonna send it again.

send

↓

The middle important stuff, I put back in the mail addressed to me.

addressed mail middle stuff

↓

So I buy myself a couple more days.

couple days

↓

And the most important stuff, that gets delivered.

delivered stuff

↓

Although, you know? I actually burn that, too, most of the time.

burn

↓

Okay, well, it looks like you've got this under control.

control

↓

- I'm gonna get back to my office. - All right, man.

office

↓

- I'm just... Okay, sorry, buddy. - The mail don't stop!

buddy mail

↓

I'm gonna get back to my office, and then I'll see you later.

office

↓

- All right, man. MAC: Okay, bud.

↓

Stop. You're not gonna stop, are you?

↓

Come on, Mac. Hit me. Come on. Hit me again.

↓

(door opens) Come on. Hit me. Look.

door door-opens opens

↓

(Frank murmurs) I found him wandering the streets.

found frank murmurs streets wandering

↓

No ID, no nothing.

↓

Figured we'd turn him over to you until someone claimed him.

claimed figured

↓

- Poor thing. - Careful.

careful poor

↓

I think he crapped himself.

crapped

↓

Oh, my. This way. Right through here.

↓

Hit me. Hit me again.

↓

Hit me.

↓

(music)

music

↓

#Oh, yeah#

↓

(ringing)

ringing

↓

- #Oh, yeah# - All right.

↓

- Uh, who is this? - This is Mac. I'm the new guy.

↓

- What are you doing in my office? - Huh?

office

↓

Who are you, and why are you in my office?

office

↓

MAC: Who is this? - This is Johnson.

johnson

↓

Oh.

↓

(stutters) I thought you were in Orlando.

orlando stutters

↓

Oh. I could check it for you.

check

↓

No, don't! Just... What is your name, sir?

name

↓

Uh...

↓

Why don't you just give me your name?

name

↓

Your full name, sir.

full name

↓

#Chick, chicka-chicka#

chick chicka

↓

This is gonna be great, Sis.

↓

We already got the mind, body and soul goin'.

body goin mind soul

↓

Now all we need is to get our faces nice and tight,

faces tight

↓

and we'll be healthy as all hell. - I know.

healthy

↓

Uh, now, you're clear on these instructions, right?

clear instructions

↓

- Yeah, I think so. - Yeah, you know what you're doing?

↓

- They're in Spanish. - Yeah, but, you know,

spanish

↓

f you know Latin, you know, like, three languages, so...

languages latin three

↓

- You don't speak Latin. - I don't speak Latin.

latin speak

↓

But there's pictures in here, I think we're good.

pictures

↓

- You're good with the pictures. - Can we get goin' with this?

goin pictures

↓

Those supplements are givin' me the squirts like you would not believe.

believe givin squirts supplements

↓

I would kill for your bowel movements. I am so blocked up.

blocked bowel kill movements

↓

Gonna do your eyes first. Hold really still.

eyes

↓

- Seriously, do not move. - Careful. Careful.

careful

↓

- It's in? - It's out.

↓

- It's out. It's out, and it's in. - I did it.

↓

- Pretty good, right? - Painless.

↓

Let's just let that settle for a minute,

minute settle

↓

and I'll think about what I would like to do.

↓

Number one, I'd like to get rid of these crow's feet

crows crows-feet feet number

↓

I have been noticing coming in, which I do not appreciate.

appreciate coming noticing

↓

And hear me out on this one. It's a little weird.

weird

↓

I'm thinking about doing something to my earlobes.

thinking

↓

I've never really liked my earlobes. Oh! Jesus!

jesus liked

↓

What?

↓

- How's that eye feel? - Well, feels a little weird.

feels weird

↓

I'm having a little trouble seeing out of it. That's normal, right?

having normal seeing trouble

↓

- I don't think so. - It's not? Really?

↓

Now that you mention it, I do feel a fair amount of pain coming on.

amount coming fair mention pain

↓

- God, it stings. - Uh-huh? Um, uh...

stings

↓

Shit, Dennis. I think maybe I switched these up.

dennis switched

↓

- Switched 'em up? What the hell? - I don't know.

switched

↓

Maybe I put some collagen in your eye.

↓

You injected Mexican collagen in my eye?

mexican

↓

I'm sorry! I can't handle this stress you're giving me right now.

giving handle stress

↓

My heart is very weak. It's a lot of pressure.

heart pressure weak

↓

I think I'm going blind in one eye.

blind

↓

- Hold on a second. I feel weird. - I'm going blind.

blind second weird

↓

I feel like my heart might explode. (gasps)

explode gasps heart might

↓

Are you feeling better today?

feeling today

↓

I like to hear that.

↓

Now take your medication.

medication

↓

Good.

↓

That's good.

↓

Hello, Chief.

chief

↓

They're onto me, dude. Those guys are sharp as nails up there.

nails sharp

↓

You can't put anything past them.

past

↓

Oh, my God. I am freakin' out.

freakin

↓

I am so stressed out. I feel like I'm having a panic attack.

attack having panic panic-attack stressed

↓

You wanna talk about stress? Okay?

stress

↓

I've stumbled onto a major company conspiracy.

company conspiracy major stumbled

↓

- How about that for stress? - What are you talking about?

stress

↓

This company is being bled like a stuck pig, Mac.

bled company stuck

↓

I've got a paper trail to prove it. Check this out.

check paper prove trail

↓

- Take a look at this. - Jesus Christ, Charlie.

charlie christ christ-charlie jesus jesus-christ jesus-christ-charlie

↓

CHARLIE: That right there is the mail. Let's talk about it.

charlie mail

↓

Can we talk about the mail, please?

mail

↓

I've been dying to talk about the mail with you all day.

dying mail

↓

Pepe Silvia, this name keeps coming up over and over again.

coming keeps keeps-coming name pepe pepe-silvia silvia

↓

Every day, Pepe's mails getting sent back to me.

mails sent

↓

Pepe Silvia, Pepe Silvia. I look in the mail...

mail pepe pepe-silvia silvia

↓

This whole box is Pepe Silvia! So I say to myself,

pepe pepe-silvia silvia whole

↓

"I gotta find this guy. I gotta go up to his office.

office

↓

I gotta put his mail in the guy's goddamn hands!

goddamn hands mail

↓

"Otherwise he's never gonna get it. "It's gonna keep coming back down."

coming otherwise

↓

So I go up to Pepe's office, and what do I find out?

office

↓

- What do I find out? - There is no Pepe Silvia.

pepe pepe-silvia silvia

↓

The man does not exist. So I decide, shit, I gotta dig a little deeper.

decide deeper exist

↓

There's no Pepe Silvia? You gotta be kidding me! I got boxes full of him!

boxes full kidding pepe pepe-silvia silvia

↓

All right, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R.

carol marching start

↓

And I knock on her door, and I say, "Carol!

carol door knock

↓

"Carol, I gotta talk to you about Pepe."

carol pepe

↓

And when I open the door, what do I find?

door open

↓

There's not a single goddamn desk in that office.

desk goddamn office single

↓

There is no Carol in H.R.

carol

↓

Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up.

building employees half

↓

This office is a goddamn ghost town.

ghost goddamn office town

↓

Okay, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.

↓

Not only do all of these people exist,

exist

↓

but they have been asking for their mail on a daily basis.

asking basis daily mail

↓

It's all they talk about up there.

↓

Jesus Christ, dude. We are gonna lose our jobs.

christ jesus jesus-christ jobs lose

↓

Calm down, 'cause here's one thing that's not gonna happen.

calm happen

↓

- What? - We're not gonna get fired.

fired

↓

- We're not? - 'Cause we've already been fired.

fired

↓

- We've lost our jobs? - Yeah. About three days ago,

days jobs lost three three-days

↓

a couple of pink slips came in the mail. One for you, one for me.

couple mail pink slips

↓

What did I do? I mailed them halfway to Siberia.

halfway mailed

↓

If we've lost our jobs, that means we've lost our health insurance.

health health-insurance insurance jobs lost

↓

Which means all of this was for nothing. God damn it, dude.

↓

I am having a panic attack. I'm actually having a panic attack.

attack having panic panic-attack

↓

Will you settle down and have another cup of coffee?

another coffee settle

↓

- I am, bro. - Fine. You know what, Barney,

barney

↓

give this guy a cigarette. He's freakin' out.

cigarette freakin

↓

- Huh? Who? - Barney.

barney

↓

He's the guy who tipped me off to Pepe Silvia.

pepe pepe-silvia silvia tipped

↓

Barney? Who the hell is Barney?

barney

↓

You don't see... Oh, shit. Where the hell did he...

↓

- #Oh, oh-oh# - You've lost your mind.

lost mind

↓

You've lost your goddamn mind, Charlie.

charlie goddamn lost mind

↓

#Chick, chicka-chicka#

chick chicka

↓

Jesus Christ! Will you forget the mail? All right?

christ forget jesus jesus-christ mail

↓

Forget the mail? The mail's the most important thing in the world.

forget mail mails world

↓

You're giving me a panic attack. Do you have a cigarette?

attack cigarette giving panic panic-attack

↓

- I hear Barney. Where's Barney? - How long is the wait in here?

barney

↓

We have been here for hours and hours.

hours

↓

- Goddamn Frank. - Where the hell is he?

frank goddamn

↓

(gasps)

gasps

↓

Holy shit. Where the hell am I?

holy

↓

(straining) (grunts)

grunts straining

↓

Hey. Tonto. Come here.

tonto

↓

Come on, bub. Let's go.

↓

Get up. You gotta help me out here.

↓

Pick this up and throw it through this window.

pick throw window

↓

Pick. Throw.

pick throw

↓

(metal snaps) (water pouring)

metal pouring snaps water

↓

Whoa. That's it. Yeah! Yeah! That's it.

whoa

↓

One, two and three!

three

↓

(grunts)

grunts

↓

Beautiful!

↓

Come on. Let's get the hell outta here.

outta

↓

Come on. You go...

↓

(grunts) Why aren't you goin'?

goin grunts