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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E09 — Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 9 — Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life

Air date: October 23, 2008

Director: Fred Savage

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

After discovering Dennis' erotic memoir, Mac and Frank attempt to make some money off of it. Meanwhile, Dee and Charlie decide to spend a day in each other's shoes.

Source: TMDB

↓

I was also trying to do a little light reading.

light reading

↓

Then I was putting some cheese in the rat traps.

cheese putting traps

↓

- Were you? Can I smell your mouth? - Yes! Why?

mouth smell

↓

You were eating the cheese out of the rat traps?

cheese eating traps

↓

No! Well, yes. I was eating the old cheese to test it,

cheese eating test

↓

see why the rats weren't eating it. - Why are you doing

eating rats

↓

such weird things? - I do weird things?

weird

↓

Name another thing that you think is weird!

another name weird

↓

I caught you stealing a bunch of coins out of the fountain

bunch caught coins fountain stealing

↓

at Logan Circle. - I was acquiring a bit of cash

cash circle

↓

to pay my spy, Dee. - Why do you have a spy?

↓

To spy on the waitress! Of course I have a spy!

course waitress

↓

- Is that normal to you? - You know what? Shut up

normal

↓

and give me my book back please! - No!

book

↓

Hey. What book you keep going on and on about?

book

↓

- Nothing. You don't need to see it. - Oh, my God. Whoa.

whoa

↓

These are my... These are my memoirs.

memoirs

↓

Charlie, you found my book. I wrote a memoirs.

book charlie found memoirs wrote

↓

- Guys! Charlie found my memoirs! - Your memoirs?

charlie charlie-found found memoirs

↓

I've been keeping track of all my sexual exploits,

exploits keeping sexual track

↓

and I was gonna unleash them on the world

unleash world

↓

n a fiery blaze of eroticism. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

blaze eroticism fiery whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

(chuckles) Slow down a second, Dennis. You wrote a book?

book chuckles dennis second second-dennis slow wrote

↓

It's more of a tale of redemption told through my erotic travels.

erotic redemption tale travels

↓

Giddyap, man. That's amazing!

amazing giddyap

↓

That's good stuff, right? Yeah.

stuff

↓

But then one day the book just sort of went mysteriously missing.

book missing

↓

- What were you doing with it? - Well, since he can't read,

read

↓

I'm guessing he was masturbating to your pictures.

guessing masturbating pictures

↓

- Goddamn! Jackin' off to my... - God, no!

goddamn

↓

That is not at all... You know, what are you doing to me?

↓

Why are you doing this? You've been riding me.

riding

↓

Now you're accusing me of things. You just don't get it.

accusing

↓

You don't know why I do the things that I do. It's nuts.

nuts

↓

You don't know how hard I got it.

hard

↓

Got it pretty tough? Your life is pretty hard?

hard life tough

↓

I tell you what. How'd you like to walk a mile in my shoes?

howd mile shoes walk

↓

Try your old buddy Charlie on for size.

buddy buddy-charlie charlie size

↓

You want me to walk a mile in your shoes,

mile shoes walk

↓

'cause I can't handle your big, tough life? I will.

handle life tough

↓

- Sounds fine to me. I'll do that. - Oh, my God! Shut up!

sounds

↓

Dennis, what's the name of this book?

book dennis name

↓

Ah. "Dennis Reynolds: An Erotic Life."

dennis dennis-reynolds erotic life reynolds

↓

(music)

music

↓

"I removed my robe and stood before her,

removed robe stood

↓

"taut, nubile, proud.

nubile proud

↓

"She was much, much older than me,

older

↓

"but her breasts were awesome.

awesome breasts

↓

"I felt reborn, baptized in erotic majesty."

erotic majesty

↓

- Ooh! (laughs) - Yeah!

laughs

↓

- This is some sweet smut! - Yeah!

smut sweet

↓

- I'm all boned-up over here. - Me, too.

boned

↓

We should try and sell this book. Personal memoirs are huge right now.

book huge memoirs personal sell

↓

Yeah, yeah, no. I'm gonna sell the book, okay,

book sell

↓

but I'm not gonna let you be involved.

involved

↓

Because every time you're involved you get all excited about something

excited involved

↓

and then you give up the minute we hit the first speed bump.

bump minute speed speed-bump

↓

You need us, Dennis. You're gonna need some legal help.

dennis legal

↓

Legal help? What the hell are you talking about, man?

legal

↓

Bro, half the stories you just read us are total bullshit.

bullshit half read stories total

↓

They're not bullshit. What are you saying?

bullshit

↓

Dennis, you were never the personal sexual adviser to Jon Bon Jovi.

dennis jovi personal sexual

↓

And you never woke up in a rehab facility with the wounds of Christ

christ facility rehab woke wounds

↓

miraculously appearing on your hands and feet.

appearing feet hands

↓

Yeah, but I banged that girl in the fountain.

banged fountain girl

↓

That story was true, the hot dogs, the oatmeal, everything.

dogs oatmeal story

↓

You don't want to end up like that "Million Little Pieces" guy.

million pieces

↓

All right? Oprah made him look like a total dick.

dick oprah total

↓

Oh, that guy was a turd.

turd

↓

I mean, come on. Just take some of those stories out.

stories

↓

No, see, Frank, he can't take those stories out. That's the rub.

frank stories

↓

That's why he needs us.

needs

↓

Because the public loves those crazy celebrity stories and rehab shit.

celebrity crazy loves public rehab stories

↓

- Okay, so what are you thinking? - I'm thinking

thinking

↓

we take some of the really good stories, you know,

stories

↓

the Jon Bon Jovi, the Christ-wound stigmatas

christ jovi wound

↓

and we recreate them.

recreate

↓

We make them true so that people can't prove that they didn't happen.

happen prove

↓

Oh, my God. Recreate some of the better stories in here

recreate stories

↓

and then we have proof. - Yes!

proof

↓

Holy shit, man. That's a good idea.

holy idea

↓

First things first, we gotta figure out how to get you in a rehab.

figure rehab

↓

Charlie, do I really have to sleep here?

charlie sleep

↓

Dee, if you're gonna walk a mile in my shoes,

mile shoes walk

↓

this is a pretty big part of that mile, don't you think?

mile part

↓

- Now, here. Put these on. - No.

↓

I don't want to wear one of your dirty sleeping outfits.

dirty outfits sleeping wear

↓

I'm sorry, but my "outfits", as you like to call them,

outfits

↓

serve a very specific purpose, all right? This isn't just for fun.

fun purpose serve specific

↓

I don't have any heating ducts in this apartment.

apartment ducts heating

↓

It gets freezing in here at night, all right?

freezing night

↓

Now, in case you have to pee-pee, I got this for you, all right?

case

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Goddamn it! Frank was supposed to empty that!

empty frank goddamn goddamn-it supposed

↓

No wonder it reeks in here! You have open cans of pee everywhere!

cans open reeks wonder

↓

Well, I'm sorry. But you do not want to use that bathroom!

bathroom

↓

Okay, now eat one of these, all right?

↓

You're gonna wanna huff a little glue and drink some beer.

beer drink glue huff

↓

- This is cat food, Charlie. - I can't explain it, all right?

charlie explain food

↓

There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens

chemical happens reaction weird

↓

when you combine cat food, beer and glue.

beer combine food glue

↓

It makes you feel extremely sick and tired,

extremely makes sick tired

↓

and you're able to fall asleep. - Why would I want to make myself

able asleep fall fall-asleep

↓

extremely sick and tired? - 'Cause there's gonna be

extremely sick tired

↓

about 50 cats howling outside that window all night long

cats howling night window

↓

and you have no idea how loud 50 cats can be.

cats idea loud

↓

Maybe there wouldn't be cats surrounding your building

building cats

↓

f you didn't have open cans of cat food everywhere!

cans food open

↓

I have 50 cats howling outside my window,

cats howling window

↓

because I have 10,000 rats running around my building, Dee, okay?

building rats running

↓

Stop yelling. You're spitting cat food on me.

food spitting yelling

↓

There's a reason to do the things that I... Oh. (stomach rumbling)

reason rumbling stomach

↓

Oh, I don't feel good. (cat meows)

meows

↓

And it's starting right on time.

starting

↓

If I were you, I'd start wolfin' that shit down.

start

↓

(cat meows) Okay, I'll go to sleep.

meows sleep

↓

Yeah, I'm not feeling good at all.

feeling

↓

(grunts)

grunts

↓

(cats meowing) (stomachs gurgling)

cats cats-meowing gurgling meowing stomachs

↓

(loud meowing)

loud meowing

↓

(exhales forcefully)

exhales

↓

(cat continues meowing)

continues meowing

↓

(man and woman arguing indistinctly)

arguing indistinctly woman

↓

(music)

music

↓

#You cast a spell on me I was blind but now I see#

blind cast spell

↓

(music fades)

fades music

↓

(shivering)

↓

(women arguing indistinctly)

arguing indistinctly women

↓

BOTH: Come play with us forever and ever and ever...

forever

↓

...and ever.

↓

(screams)

screams

↓

(urinating) Ocupado.

urinating

↓

(gasps)

gasps

↓

All gone. All gone. (gags)

gags gone

↓

Wake up! Let's go! (gasps)

gasps wake

↓

- Time to start the day. - What?

start

↓

- Time to get up! - Charlie! Oh, God!

charlie

↓

There's evil twins in the hallway and a twitching junkie...

evil hallway junkie twins

↓

What? How much of that glue did you huff?

glue huff

↓

- I don't know. As much as you did. - As much as me? Really? (chuckles)

chuckles

↓

Well, that's probably way too much glue for you, Dee.

glue

↓

Hey, check it out. You just had yourself a glue O.D.

check glue

↓

And those are pretty regular in my life. You learned another lesson.

another learned learned-another lesson life regular

↓

Don't do too much glue or your night sucks.

glue night sucks

↓

Hold on a second. You're saying that your life is so terrible

life second

↓

because you eat rat cheese and cat food

cheese food

↓

and huff glue all day long? - Uh, yeah!

glue huff

↓

- Those aren't real problems. - What do you mean,

problems real

↓

they're not real problems? - You make those problems up!

problems real

↓

- You choose to do that stuff! - Those are solutions to problems!

choose problems solutions stuff

↓

Oh, my God. You know what? Hold on a second.

second

↓

We're gonna turn the tables. You're gonna walk a mile in my shoes now,

mile shoes tables walk

↓

and you're gonna see what it's like to live in the real world

live real real-world world

↓

and have actual problems! - You got some glue on your face.

actual face glue problems

↓

- You might want to wash that off. - Oh, goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it might wash

↓

Okay, plan is simple.

plan simple

↓

You're gonna hang out at the rehab facility for a couple of days

couple days facility hang rehab

↓

while we get the ball rolling with Bon Jovi.

ball ball-rolling jovi rolling

↓

Uh, yeah. I gotta say I'm a little skeptical about you guys

skeptical

↓

being able to get in touch with Jon Bon Jovi.

able jovi touch

↓

What? What do you mean? He's from New Jersey.

jersey

↓

(fingers snap) - Piece of cake. - Have a little faith in us please.

cake faith fingers piece snap

↓

Plus, it's easy. We just get you into a room with him,

easy plus room

↓

snap a couple of photos, we got proof.

couple photos proof snap

↓

Bing, bang, boom. We're done. Now, let's talk stigmatas.

bang bang-boom bing boom

↓

Uh, right. Do we have to do the stigmatas?

↓

Dennis, you know that this publisher is gonna have a fact checker, right?

dennis fact

↓

You don't want to end up like the "Million Little Pieces" guy, do you?

million pieces

↓

- I brought a nail gun. - Oh, is that what that is?

brought nail

↓

No, no. Look, you're not gonna shoot nails in me.

nails shoot

↓

No. I think a couple of severe burns from the cigar

burns cigar couple severe

↓

s what's gonna do the trick. - No, you need deep wounds.

deep trick wounds

↓

- No, wait... - This'll give you deep wounds.

deep thisll wounds

↓

- Hold on! No! - I can get these deep.

deep

↓

- Nobody's gonna burn me... - Calm down!

burn calm nobodys

↓

- Or shoot me full of nails! - You focus on your art, okay?

focus full nails shoot

↓

Frank and I will handle all the business end of things.

business frank handle

↓

If you guys really want to do the stigmata... (thuds)

thuds

↓

- Okay. Good work, Frank. - Now,

frank

↓

I think we should just probably leave the body right here.

body

↓

In the morning they'll come out and find him.

morning

↓

- Give me his hands. - Yup.

hands

↓

MAN: So I don't go to a therapist. I just go to bars.

bars therapist

↓

If you walk up to the nearest drunk guy

drunk nearest walk

↓

and bump him from behind, he always turns around and goes,

behind bump turns

↓

"Hey, man. What's your problem?"

problem

↓

(man continues talking indistinctly) (chuckles) This guy is great.

chuckles continues indistinctly

↓

Do you come here every night? Every night, huh? This is great.

night

↓

Do they have food, too? 'Cause I could go for some food.

food

↓

No, no. No food. I don't eat while I'm here.

food

↓

- When do you eat? - I don't.

↓

Why don't you eat dinner, Dee? You gotta eat dinner sometime.

dinner sometime

↓

Because when you perform your nerves make you dry heave,

heave nerves perform

↓

and you better hope you don't have any food in your stomach.

food hope stomach

↓

You're gonna perform?

perform

↓

All right. Now, this next lady y'all know,

lady yall

↓

because she's here almost every night.

night

↓

Let's hope she's got some new jokes this time.

hope jokes

↓

Everybody put your hands together for Deandra Reynolds!

deandra deandra-reynolds everybody hands reynolds

↓

(applause smattering)

applause

↓

Howdy, howdy, howdy. How's everybody doing tonight?

everybody howdy tonight

↓

(chuckles weakly)

chuckles weakly

↓

So, you guys, what's the deal with those hands-free headsets

deal free hands hands-free

↓

that everybody's wearing in their ears, right? (gags)

ears everybodys gags wearing

↓

It's, like, "Hey, everybody, look at me!

everybody

↓

"I'm one part robot and three parts asshole!"

asshole part parts robot three

↓

(gagging) MAN: Jesus Christ!

christ gagging jesus jesus-christ

↓

(exhales heavily) I mean, am I right, or am I...

exhales heavily

↓

(gags and coughs) Screw it!

coughs gags screw

↓

(applause smattering)

applause

↓

Wow. Well, at least it was short and dry this time.

least short

↓

(laughing) Dee, what are you doing to yourself?

laughing

↓

That is terrible. Why would you do that?

↓

You just gotta put in your dues, Charlie, you know?

charlie dues

↓

You gotta take it one step at a time when you want to be an actor.

actor step

↓

- Just climb to the top. - What?

climb

↓

This is about being an actor, why in God's name

actor gods gods-name name

↓

are you still trying to be an actor? - We all have our hopes and dreams.

actor dreams hopes

↓

You're still trying to get with the waitress.

waitress

↓

I'm still trying to act. We just do whatever we need to do.

↓

Oh, is it funny? You better get ready, guy, 'cause you're next.

funny ready

↓

Let's hear it for a newcomer here tonight, Mr. Charlie Kelly!

charlie charlie-kelly kelly tonight

↓

So, you guys, you ever eat cheese? Cheese is a funny thing.

cheese funny

↓

Cheese is a strange thing. I always wonder, like, what is cheese?

cheese strange wonder

↓

Where does it... (gagging)

gagging

↓

We gotta figure out how to get you into rehab.

figure rehab

↓

Let's talk stigmatas.

↓

- You need deep wounds. - No, no, wait.

deep wounds

↓

(echoing) MAC: Rehab...

echoing rehab

↓

Yo, punk. Wake up, punk.

punk wake

↓

- Yo, punk! - Ow!

punk

↓

- Wake up! - What the hell?

wake

↓

- You in hell, all right! - What?

↓

You know what? My name is Sinbad! This Sinbad's house!

house name sinbad

↓

When you're in Sinbad house, you're my bitch!

bitch house sinbad

↓

Listen... (sniffs)

sniffs

↓

Yeah, you know who that is? Huh?

↓

That's Rob Thomas. Matchbox Twenty! Sing a song.

sing song thomas twenty

↓

- Uh... - Shut up!

↓

- Matchbox Twenty? Ooh! - Oh! You the man, huh?

twenty

↓

You gonna punk him like that? Stay back, man. No!

punk

↓

Matter of fact, unleash the fury. Get his shoe!

fact fury matter shoe unleash

↓

- What? - Beat his testicles!

beat testicles

↓

- No! Don't... - Beat his testicles!

beat testicles

↓

Don't, don't! Come on. Rob Thomas and Sin... Sinbad.

sinbad thomas

↓

Uh, look, man. I'm pretty confused about what I'm seeing here.

confused seeing

↓

And I'm in a lot of pain. Just tell me what's going on.

pain

↓

Oh, It's the pain, huh? My bad.

pain

↓

I didn't know you was hurting like that. My bad.

hurting

↓

'Cause I've hurt before. You've hurt before. We all hurt.

hurt

↓

So, I'm gonna just break it down now. I'll introduce myself right.

break introduce

↓

That was wrong. I'm Sinbad. There's my head shot.

head shot sinbad

↓

I'll autograph for you a little later on.

autograph

↓

And this is Sinbad's house.

house

↓

(shouting) And you're my bitch!

bitch shouting

↓

I'm gonna show you how... (door opens)

door door-opens opens

↓

- Everything okay in here? - Hey, what's up, Jerome?

jerome

↓

Man, he keep throwin' his shoe. He crazy.

crazy shoe throwin

↓

- Okay, well, let's go. - Everybody should be in bed

everybody

↓

with the lights off. - We're tryin'. He throwin' shoes.

lights shoes throwin tryin

↓

You're about to get me jacked up! Is that what you're tryin' to do?

jacked tryin

↓

Shut up! Man, I'll poke your eye out!

poke

↓

See this? This one on you, and this one on Rob Thomas.

thomas

↓

- I own both y'all! - Watch your ass, new meat.

meat watch yall

↓

(music)

music

↓

All righty then. See you soon. Bye-bye. (chuckling)

chuckling righty

↓

- Hey, dude. - I just made a date

date

↓

with that girlie rockstar's people. - Bon Jovi?

girlie jovi

↓

Yeah. He owns the Philadelphia Soul.

owns philadelphia soul

↓

The arena football team. I just offered to buy it.

arena football football-team offered team

↓

Awesome! All right, I'm gonna pretend that I have terminal cancer

awesome cancer pretend terminal

↓

and get him to do an acoustic set on my deathbed.

acoustic

↓

Wait. Why would you do that? You don't have to do that.

↓

No, it's great, bro. Rock stars do the cancer-kid thing all the time.

cancer rock rock-stars stars

↓

Look, Frank! You got us into a room with Jovi's people, right?

frank room

↓

I'm gonna get us into a room with Jovi himself!

jovi room

↓

I'm sorry! That's a stupid idea. I don't want you to do it.

idea stupid stupid-idea

↓

- I already got a bald-cap guy. - You're just confusing everything!

bald confusing

↓

There's nothing confusing about it! It's very, very simple!

confusing simple

↓

Shut up! Shut your big mouth right now!

mouth

↓

I will put my foot down right now!

foot

↓

You are not going in there with that cancer thing!

cancer

↓

I don't care what you say! So get it out of your head!

care head

↓

Okay. Jesus, dude. I won't do the cancer thing.

cancer jesus

↓

Relax.

relax

↓

So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in buying our arena football team.

arena buying football football-team interested reynolds team

↓

Big time! But I want to do business with Mr. Von Joni himself.

business joni

↓

- Bon Jovi? - Yeah!

jovi

↓

Mr. Bovine Joni himself.

joni

↓

I'm offering 40 million dollars for the team.

dollars million million-dollars offering team

↓

Wow. Well, that is a very generous offer.

generous generous-offer offer

↓

But I must admit I'm a little bit confused about one thing.

admit confused must

↓

What's confusing about 40 million? That's a shitload of money.

confusing million money shitload

↓

It is. It is. I'm a little confused as to why you've chosen

chosen confused

↓

to involve this gentleman here. - Uh... (sighs)

gentleman involve sighs

↓

Well, if I may, I'd like to explain to you why I'm here.

explain

↓

Uh, ma'am, I am dying of very terminal cancer,

cancer dying maam terminal

↓

I would like to request a private bedside concert from Mr. Bon Jovi.

bedside concert jovi private request

↓

Now, Sambora's presence is not necessary.

necessary presence

↓

But it would be nice if he was involved.

involved

↓

Question, is this a laser pointer?

laser pointer question

↓

- Yes. - Can I have it?

↓

- No. - I'm gonna take it anyway.

↓

Please don't listen to anything he says.

↓

- No, no. No, Frank. Frank... - I'll give you 60 million dollars

dollars frank frank-frank million million-dollars

↓

for the team. - I got it.

team

↓

We're talking about cancer. Nobody cares about football anymore.

anymore cancer cares football nobody nobody-cares

↓

You're not negotiating shit. We're onto the cancer thing now

cancer

↓

and that is the way that it's gonna go from here.

↓

I'm just gonna throw this out there. I don't think you have cancer.

cancer throw

↓

What? What are you talking about?

↓

No, that's chemo. That's chemotherapy right there.

chemo

↓

And for the record, when you go through chemo,

chemo record

↓

your beard hair falls out, too. - Are you sure?

beard falls hair

↓

- I asked a lot of people! - I told you...

asked

↓

- I asked my bald-cap guy! - Not to do the cancer thing!

asked bald cancer

↓

But it was working until you got in with the bullshit numbers!

bullshit numbers working

↓

Goddamn it! You know, I'm not even really bald.

bald goddamn goddamn-it

↓

I have a full head of hair. Not like him.

full hair head

↓

Not only do I consider it magnificent,

consider magnificent

↓

but I have a sneaking suspicion it's pretty good.

sneaking suspicion

↓

(slurping) Hey.

slurping

↓

FRANK: On his eyes. - Shine it on his dick!

dick eyes frank shine

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa! (laughing)

laughing whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

Look at his dick! (cell phone ringing)

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing dick phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

Oh, that's me. That's my phone. My phone is ringing. Sorry, that's me.

phone ringing

↓

- Hey, dude. Where you been? - I'm in rehab, dude!

rehab

↓

Oh, yeah. Hey, that whole Jovi thing went south,

jovi south whole

↓

so I think we're just gonna scrap the whole book ordeal. (slurping)

book ordeal scrap slurping whole

↓

What are you talking about? (beeping)

beeping

↓

I got another call, buddy. - No, no! No, don't...

another buddy

↓

- Who are you looking for? - Bill. Who's this?

bill looking

↓

This is Mac. You got the wrong number.

number

↓

- Oh, my bad. - Yeah. No problem.

problem

↓

- What number were you calling? - Shh!

calling number

↓

(cell phone ringing) Hello?

cell cell-phone cell-phone-ringing phone phone-ringing ringing

↓

You gotta get me outta here, man!

outta

↓

- Where are you? - I'm in rehab, goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it rehab

↓

Well, I'm in a movie, and this broad's about to get naked.

broads movie naked

↓

- I gotta go. - No, no!

↓

Yeah, now, that's okay.

↓

- Yeah, I thought it was some chick. - Who are you talking to?

chick

↓

I'm talking to Bill. And anyway, so...

bill

↓

- No, I'm not Bill. I'm Terry. - I'm sorry. No, it's Terry.

bill terry

↓

Sorry about that, Terry. Anyway, these cat people...

terry

↓

hated me 'cause I kept calling them. - Terry? What number did he want?

calling hated number terry

↓

I got some dick in a movie theater giving me shit.

dick giving movie movie-theater theater

↓

- Why you turn around like that? - Yeah. Nice talking to you.

↓

All right. I'll talk to you afterwards. Bye. (muttering)

afterwards muttering

↓

- Give me the laser pointer. - What a jerk.

jerk laser pointer

↓

I know. Watch this. I'm gonna do it on the back of his head. (chuckling)

chuckling head watch

↓

- Bro, you wore the battery down. - Oh.

battery wore

↓

Well, how am I supposed to use it now? 'Cause you... Jerk!

jerk supposed

↓

- I'm a jerk? - Yeah, you're a jerk.

jerk

↓

Oh, you're walking around with that bald cap on all day, and I'm a jerk.

bald jerk walking

↓

It was expensive. I'm sorry. I want to get my money's worth.

expensive moneys worth

↓

- You're talking to... - Will you please be quiet?

quiet

↓

Who talks like this in the middle of a movie theater?

middle movie movie-theater talks theater

↓

Hey. Hey, you don't know how hard I got it, pal.

hard

↓

You don't know how tough it is bein' me.

bein tough

↓

What? It's not that tough to be you, Frank.

frank tough

↓

What is so difficult about your life?

difficult life

↓

Yeah, try walkin' a mile in my shoes once in a while

mile shoes walkin

↓

and then talk to me.

↓

and she whispered in my ear,

↓

"Dude, your balls totally rule." (door opens)

balls door door-opens opens rule

↓

SINBAD: What the hell you think you doing?

sinbad

↓

I heard about this shit! It's gonna stop! Take his book, Rob!

book heard

↓

Whoa, whoa, wait! (exclaims)

exclaims whoa whoa-whoa

↓

Come on. I was just in the middle of some really erotic stuff.

erotic middle stuff

↓

I heard about that shit. You trying to write memoirs and erotic shit.

erotic heard memoirs write

↓

Know what? You don't write it, bitch! I'll write it!

bitch write

↓

What is your problem, Sinbad?

problem sinbad

↓

Think you Jesus? You think you Jesus?

jesus

↓

Ain't no Jesus here 'cept me! I'm Jesus!

aint jesus

↓

What the hell, man? You stole my thing!

stole

↓

No, no. My thing is bigger. Rule of the land.

bigger land rule

↓

Big is my thing now. Took it. Bam! Mine!

↓

Fine. But what does Rob Thomas have to do with any of this?

thomas

↓

You know, Rob... You know what he's got to do with it?

↓

He do whatever I tell him, 'cause he's my bitch, bitch!

bitch bitch-bitch

↓

Let's get out of here. We're gonna read some smut.

read smut

↓

- Oh, come on, man. - Shut up. Give it to him.

↓

Give it. No, I'm playing! (laughs)

laughs playing

↓

(door closes) (thinking) I gotta get outta here.

closes door door-closes outta thinking

↓

This is my day, and this is where I come at the end of the day

↓

before I head off to Paddy's.

head paddys

↓

Why do you come to the fountain? The fountain's my thing.

fountain

↓

I'll tell you why I come to the fountain.

fountain

↓

I come here every single day to throw money into this thing

money single throw

↓

to wish for a better life. Money that you apparently steal for spies!

apparently life money spies steal wish

↓

Okay, so essentially, you're stealing my dreams!

dreams essentially stealing

↓

And if you don't mind, I'm gonna get those dreams back now.

dreams mind

↓

No, those are my spy coins. That's my money anyway!

coins money

↓

- You can't have that! - How is that yours?

↓

It's itchy. This is what I gotta go through to get laid.

itchy laid

↓

Shut up! You're pissed off, 'cause I pull it off better than you.

pissed pull

↓

You don't pull it off better than anything.

pull

↓

You better not lose your hair, 'cause you're an ugly bald man.

bald hair lose ugly

↓

Not as ugly as you, bitch.

bitch ugly

↓

- Ah! - What are we doing here?

↓

This is the time of day when I come to the fountain.

fountain

↓

Why?

↓

When I was a kid I used to swim in this fountain.

fountain swim used

↓

A bunch of bullies kicked me out. So, I wait until this time of day

bullies bunch kicked

↓

and come back and piss in the fountain.

fountain piss

↓

I've been pissin' in the fountain for 50 years.

fountain years

↓

- Why are you still pissing in it? - To get back at their kids!

kids pissing

↓

- Greedy! Greedy Dee! - You can't have a good life

greedy life

↓

without your dreams! - Is that Dee and Charlie?

charlie dreams

↓

- Hey, guys, what are you doing? - What the hell?

↓

These are my dreams! They mean something to me!

dreams

↓

- It's anyone's coins! - Yo, Charlie and Dee!

anyones charlie coins

↓

(shouting)

shouting

↓

- Charlie and Dee. Dee! - Deandra! What are you doing?

charlie deandra

↓

I'm taking my dreams back!

dreams

↓

(breathes heavily) What are you guys doing?

breathes heavily

↓

Frank's gonna piss in the fountain.

fountain franks piss

↓

- I do it every day. - Hey, I like your haircut, man.

haircut

↓

- What's going on up here? - You can't tell.

↓

Charlie, it's a bald cap. It's not even real!

bald charlie real

↓

- Oh, my God! - You can't tell, huh?

↓

CHARLIE: That's awesome! DEE: No, you can tell.

awesome charlie

↓

CHARLIE: You say you were gonna piss in the fountain?

charlie fountain piss

↓

- Hey, Dennis! - You're in it.

dennis

↓

Hey, Dennis! What's up, buddy? Come here!

buddy dennis

↓

- What you doing? DENNIS: Guys...

dennis

↓

Huh? I use this fountain for its healing powers.

fountain healing powers

↓

Plus, it does wonders for my skin. (speaking gibberish)

gibberish plus skin speaking wonders

↓

That's not important right now! You're not gonna believe this.

believe

↓

Sinbad was trying to kill me!

kill sinbad

↓

- What? - Yeah.

↓

Sinbad, the comedian.

comedian sinbad

↓

He was in the rehab center. He was trying to kill me.

center kill rehab

↓

And then Rob Thomas, the lead singer of Matchbox Twenty,

lead singer thomas twenty

↓

he was in there, too. Is any of that making sense?

sense

↓

- No. - Uh, time out, time out, time out.

↓

Did you or did you not meet Sinbad?

meet sinbad

↓

- Yeah. I met Sinbad. But... - Can you prove that stuff?

prove sinbad stuff

↓

Oh, yeah. This happened just moments ago!

happened moments

↓

- Me! - Boom! Memoir's back on.

boom memoirs

↓

Rob Thomas is a douche bag, but the public eats that shit up!

douche eats public thomas

↓

- The memoirs thing is done! - We gotta go back to that rehab.

memoirs rehab

↓

No, no! We can't go back there! That's too dangerous!

dangerous

↓

No, Dennis, we have to prove it. We gotta take photos.

dennis photos prove

↓

- We have to sign documents. - Dude, I'm a huge Sinbad fan!

documents huge sign sinbad

↓

Sinbad is not the man that you think he is, Charlie!

charlie sinbad

↓

- We'll take care of you. - I am not going back!

care

↓

I'd like to meet him. Hope he wears something made out of windbreaker.

hope meet wears

↓

- Okay, guys. This is it. - What the hell is this?

↓

- It's the rehab center. - That's not the rehab center.

center rehab

↓

That's the rehab center.

center rehab

↓

Well, this is where they brought me after you guys dropped me off.

brought dropped

↓

Everybody, you gotta stay close to me, okay? You have to protect me,

close everybody protect

↓

because like most comedians Sinbad is very angry on the inside.

angry comedians sinbad

↓

Come on. Come on!

↓

Do you think he'll autograph my shirt? Or, like...

autograph shirt

↓

He will autograph your face until it is bloody to a pulp. Now come on!

autograph bloody face pulp

↓

(door closes) So, like, what is this place, dude?

closes door door-closes place

↓

Hey! Oh, hell, no!

↓

We told you not to come back here, freak!

freak

↓

Where's Sinbad?

sinbad

↓

Oh, you call me Sinbad one more time, I'm gonna knock you out.

knock sinbad

↓

- What the hell is going on here? - This dude broke in here,

broke

↓

and has been running around ranting and raving about memoirs

memoirs ranting raving running

↓

and Sinbad! - So you lied to us, Dennis?

dennis lied sinbad

↓

No, I didn't lie. No, I swear to God. This was all real.

real swear

↓

- Sinbad was here, I swear! - That's it. I'm calling the cops.

calling cops sinbad swear

↓

- You thought that dude was Sinbad. - Maybe that blow to the head

blow head sinbad

↓

did more damage than we thought. - That's not Sinbad, dude!

damage sinbad

↓

- I know that's not Sinbad! - Is this some sort of sick fantasy?

fantasy sick sinbad

↓

No, it's not a fantasy! I didn't make it up!

fantasy

↓

- Sinbad was here! I swear! - Well, guess what, guy?

sinbad swear

↓

The memoir is dead, again!

dead

↓

I can't believe you didn't meet Sinbad!

believe meet sinbad

↓

Do you even realize how excited I was to meet Sinbad?

excited meet realize sinbad

↓

- Sinbad's a hilarious comedian. - Goddamn it. Son of a bitch.

bitch comedian goddamn goddamn-it hilarious

↓

That guy is like some dude in green pants.

green pants

↓

I don't even see how this could be happening. It all seemed so real.

real seemed

↓

(door closes) I need to see a doctor.

closes doctor door door-closes

↓

MAN: Psst. No, you don't, bitch!

bitch psst

↓

Wake up! Yeah, you in hell, all right!

wake

↓

Ow!

↓

- Oh, what the hell, man? - Hell, no!

↓

You call me Sinbad one more time...

sinbad

↓

Yeah. I should definitely see a doctor.

doctor