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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E08 — Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 8 — Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Paddy’s Pub: The Worst Bar in Philadelphia

Air date: October 16, 2008

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

A newspaper critic is kidnapped by the gang after he calls Paddy's pub the worst bar in Philadelphia.

Source: TMDB

↓

DENNIS (sighs): It's just so doggone thin!

dennis dennis-sighs sighs thin

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DEE: Oh, it's incredibly thin. CHARLIE: Yeah. It's thin, sure.

charlie incredibly thin

↓

But, I gotta say, I don't care for it.

care

↓

Charlie, the thinner the TV, the better the TV.

charlie thinner

↓

- That's just a straight-up fact. - Guys, guys, guys! Check it out!

check fact straight

↓

We got a review in the paper!

paper review

↓

- Read it, read it, read it! - No way! Is it a good review?

read review

↓

"The first thing I noticed about Paddy's Pub is its charm."

charm noticed paddys

↓

- All right. Okay. - It's a good start.

start

↓

- "It has none." - Uh-oh. Are you serious?

serious

↓

"There was an ominous feeling you could get stabbed at any moment."

feeling moment ominous stabbed

↓

- That's good, right? - How is that good?

↓

That's the exact type of atmosphere I've been trying to cultivate.

atmosphere exact type

↓

But while danger may linger,

danger linger

↓

I'm the level-headed bouncer that keeps violence in check,

bouncer check headed keeps level violence

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"In check"? There have been many stabbings.

check

↓

- I feel unsafe every single day. - Oh, very often.

often single unsafe

↓

- Stabbings have been down, though. - Read some more.

read

↓

"When I ordered a glass of wine,

glass ordered wine

↓

"not only did the surly, white trash waitress refused to make it,

refused trash waitress white white-trash

↓

"but she proceeded to call me a word that I cannot print in this paper."

cannot paper print word

↓

- Surly? - "I was forced to listen to

forced

↓

"the three classless boors, who call themselves the owners,

owners three

↓

"get drunk and yell over each other all night."

drunk night yell

↓

"Classless boors"? I am not a classless boor.

↓

I am not white trash. I am a kind, generous and good-natured lady.

generous lady trash white white-trash

↓

Well, I do seem to remember you calling the guy a faggot.

calling faggot remember

↓

I absolutely called him a faggot.

absolutely called faggot

↓

But he ordered Chardonnay. What was I supposed to do?

chardonnay ordered supposed

↓

"Having reviewed every bar in Philadelphia,

having philadelphia reviewed

↓

"I hereby officially declare Paddy's Pub to be the worst bar in Philly."

declare hereby officially paddys philly worst

↓

(sighs)

sighs

↓

(knocking on door) Hi. Are you Mr. Lyle Korman?

door knocking korman lyle

↓

- Yes. Can I help you? - Oh, nice to meet you.

meet

↓

We're here from Paddy's Pub. And we have come down

paddys

↓

to give you the opportunity to give us another chance.

another another-chance chance opportunity

↓

Here's the thing. We felt your first review was just a tiny bit off-base.

base review tiny

↓

Yeah, as you can see, we're not white trash. So...

trash white white-trash

↓

Really? Well, uh, then in that case,

case

↓

can you ask your friend to put down that hammer, please?

friend hammer

↓

Ah. Yeah, uh, don't let the hammer throw you, Korman.

hammer hammer-throw korman throw

↓

We are classy, interesting people.

classy interesting

↓

Okay. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

afraid

↓

Well, don't be rude. We just came to have a talk, so...

rude

↓

This is a private... I'm gonna have to get security.

private security

↓

Okay. We can play it that way, Korman.

korman

↓

Um, but you should know that we would have no problem suing you.

problem suing

↓

Suing me? What are you gonna sue me for?

suing

↓

Uh, libel, slander. There's two of the big dogs right there.

dogs

↓

It's only libel if what I write is false.

false write

↓

You know what? We will jam your asshole up with so many lawyers,

asshole lawyers

↓

you won't know what to do with yourself.

↓

I'll have you know, we have a team of lawyers on retainer

lawyers retainer team

↓

just to deal with people like you.

deal

↓

- Really? - Yeah.

↓

Well, check this out. You're all outta time, bitch!

bitch check outta

↓

- Boom! (dings) - You just got faced!

boom dings faced

↓

This just in, poo-poo pants. People don't read newspapers anymore.

anymore newspapers pants read

↓

- Oh! - How's that for class?

class

↓

Nice. Brand-new Blu-ray DVD player all hooked up.

brand hooked player

↓

- Hey, all right. - Where are we gonna put it?

↓

- We need, like, a flat surface. - Here we go.

flat surface

↓

- You know what? We'll dangle it. - Oh, yeah. That looks better.

dangle

↓

We're not dangling anything. That's very white trash.

trash white white-trash

↓

What is the point of having all this expensive, new status-symbol stuff

expensive having point status stuff symbol

↓

f we're just gonna make it look terrible?

↓

- You guys wanna see something? - What?

↓

I did something.

↓

- Holy shit! - Whoa, you kidnapped Korman?

holy kidnapped korman whoa

↓

I don't know what happened, okay? I was angry, then I was drinking.

angry drinking happened

↓

Next thing I know, I'm following this guy home

following home

↓

and forcing him into the trunk of his own car.

forcing trunk

↓

- Jesus Christ, this is bad! - Don't panic, don't panic.

christ jesus jesus-christ panic

↓

Relax. I drove him around in a circle for a while, okay?

circle drove relax

↓

So he wouldn't know where he was or how far away he'd gone.

gone

↓

But then you brought him back to a place where he's already been!

brought place

↓

And plus, he just heard everything you just said!

heard plus

↓

Just release him. And then that way this won't be a kidnapping.

kidnapping release

↓

First, let's just get him out of the trunk, let's get him into the bar,

trunk

↓

and then let's figure out what to do.

figure

↓

How are we gonna get him in the bar without anyone seeing him?

seeing

↓

Easy. We roll him up in a rug.

easy roll

↓

(muffled) - No, no, no! MAC: Where are we gonna get a rug?

muffled

↓

We buy a big oriental rug and we roll him up in it.

oriental roll

↓

Do you have any idea how expensive rugs are?

expensive idea rugs

↓

- Yeah, especially oriental rugs! - No! No rugs!

especially oriental rugs

↓

Just get him out of the car and into the bar, Charlie.

charlie

↓

- Help me get him out of the trunk. - We're really sorry, Mr. Korman.

korman trunk

↓

- We're gonna help you, buddy. - It'll be okay. Not a kidnapping.

buddy itll kidnapping

↓

- Oh, God damn it. - Enjoy it.

enjoy

↓

I think we're all on the same page. This is not a kidnapping.

kidnapping page

↓

- No! - No? Okay. All right!

↓

We need to keep him here for a few hours so he doesn't do anything.

hours

↓

- Just borrowing him! - Go to the police...

borrowing police

↓

That being said, let's take a few precautions here, okay?

↓

Need to cover our tracks. Why don't we shoot over to Korman's place

cover place shoot tracks

↓

and make sure that Charlie left without a trace?

charlie left trace

↓

Yeah. I'm pretty sure Charlie left with a trace, so that's a good idea.

charlie idea left trace

↓

Okay. I'll use my cooling abilities to smooth things over with Korman...

abilities cooling korman smooth

↓

Jesus Christ. Are you still going on and on about being a cooler?

christ cooler jesus jesus-christ

↓

- Shut up! - The cooler thing is not helping!

cooler helping

↓

Just get into the bar and make sure Charlie doesn't do anything stupid.

charlie stupid

↓

- Can we establish I'm the cooler... - Oh, my God!

cooler establish

↓

Get into the bar. We're surrounded by idiots.

idiots surrounded

↓

Look, this really isn't necessary.

necessary

↓

- You don't have to tape me. - I'm sorry, it's the situation.

situation tape

↓

- This is the best thing to do here. - Jesus Christ! What are you doing?

best christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

- You can't tape him up like that! - Come on, man!

tape

↓

I mean, the guy gets my goat, man! He sits around all day.

goat sits

↓

He judges people with his words and his fancy newspaper talk.

fancy judges newspaper words

↓

- It's bullshit, man! - What is it that you people want?

bullshit

↓

Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Fancy Pants Writer Man.

fancy fancy-pants pants writer

↓

I was thinking maybe you could write a new review, you know?

review thinking write

↓

And this time maybe add a few less lies.

less lies

↓

How can I write a new review if I am taped to a chair?

chair review taped write

↓

Come on, man. See, he's twisting everything I say around!

twisting

↓

- Making me look like an asshole. - Okay, look, look.

asshole

↓

Nobody has to write anything against their will, okay?

nobody write

↓

Thank you.

↓

- I have to go to the bathroom. - Huh?

bathroom

↓

- I have to pee. - Okay. Sidebar.

↓

How's he gonna pee if his hands are taped up?

hands taped

↓

- Let him piss in his pants. - He can't piss in his pants!

pants piss

↓

- Why are you so in love with him? - I'm not in love with him.

love

↓

I just don't want to get arrested for kidnapping.

arrested kidnapping

↓

- What if we just untie him? - Doesn't work. I used all the tape.

tape untie used

↓

If you untie him, that tape's not gonna stick back up.

stick tapes untie

↓

Go down to the basement, see if there's any more tape.

basement tape

↓

I'll take him to the bathroom. I'll defuse the situation.

bathroom situation

↓

- Fine. - Play it cool!

cool

↓

- Play it cool. - Play it cool!

cool

↓

I'm sorry I yelled at you, Mr. Korman.

korman yelled

↓

(mouthing words)

mouthing mouthing-words words

↓

I saw that! I saw that! You're outta here, bro!

outta

↓

You're outta here!

outta

↓

- What are you doing? - What?

↓

I'm packing to make it look like Korman went on a vacation.

korman packing vacation

↓

But you're all over the place. You just put in a tropical shirt

place shirt tropical

↓

and now two heavy coats. I mean, is he going to Cancun or Canada?

canada cancun coats heavy

↓

Pay attention to the details. This is how people get caught.

attention caught details

↓

Shit. You're right. I'm leaving a trace.

leaving trace

↓

Okay, no, no. Look, he's probably under a lot of pressure

pressure

↓

with the deadlines from the newspaper.

newspaper

↓

- He should relax. - Go someplace tropical?

relax someplace tropical

↓

- Cancun then. Perfect. - We'll stick to the Cancun story.

cancun perfect stick story

↓

I will put an outgoing message on his answering machine.

answering answering-machine machine message

↓

- That is good thinking, Sis. - We're pretty good at this.

thinking

↓

We are pretty damn good at this. We're learning.

learning

↓

AUTOMATED VOICE: Greeting one.

automated automated-voice greeting voice

↓

- That did not sound like Korman. - Mmm-mmm. (door opens)

door door-opens korman opens sound

↓

Who are you people?

↓

- Friends with Korman. - Yeah. (exhales)

exhales friends korman

↓

Mr. Korman lives across the hall.

hall korman lives

↓

- Oh, does he? - Does he?

↓

Where is he? This is ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

- I really have to pee. - I hear you, bro.

↓

Now back to the cooler conversation that we were having earlier.

conversation cooler having

↓

I feel like in your article you missed an opportunity

article missed opportunity

↓

to mention my bouncing abilities, okay?

abilities bouncing mention

↓

Now, it's really more about smarts than anything else.

smarts

↓

For example, if there was an altercation in this bathroom,

bathroom example

↓

I would blast in looking to neutralize! Yeah?

blast looking

↓

Now, I would check out my environment,

check environment

↓

and I would look for anything that I could use to my advantage.

advantage

↓

Like this pool cue. Here we go. (whooshing)

pool whooshing

↓

(crashes)

crashes

↓

Okay, normally that wouldn't happen. Unless I wanted it to.

happen normally wanted

↓

'Cause I could fire it right in your chest!

chest fire

↓

- I got the skills to do that. - Dude, there's no tape anywhere.

skills tape

↓

All I could scrounge up was a bandana.

bandana

↓

MAC (sighs): No, that's too small.

sighs

↓

Oh, I could wear it though! I should wear it!

wear

↓

I know, but I found it, so I sort of feel like...

found

↓

No, I appreciate you looking for me

appreciate looking

↓

and finding it for me and doing the Charlie work

charlie finding

↓

that got to the point of me getting the bandana.

bandana point

↓

- Bro, now it's hurting my finger. - Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

finger hurting kidding

↓

Please get me out of this bathroom before I vomit!

bathroom vomit

↓

It is absolutely disgusting.

absolutely disgusting

↓

Well, excuse me, Mr. Man. (sighs)

excuse sighs

↓

But I happen to think this bathroom is pristine,

bathroom happen

↓

because I work very hard cleaning it.

cleaning hard

↓

In fact, it's so clean, I would say you could eat out of these urinals.

clean fact

↓

No. You absolutely could not eat out of these urinals.

absolutely

↓

- Oh, really? What's this? - Charlie, don't...

charlie

↓

Oh, my God, dude. Bro, I just pissed in there.

pissed

↓

- Five minutes before you came in. - Don't say that now.

five five-minutes minutes

↓

Well, spit it out, man. You're gonna eat it? You're still chewing it.

chewing spit

↓

- I have to prove a point! - All right! All right!

point prove

↓

Just let me go to the bathroom. I will write the review.

bathroom review write

↓

I'll do whatever you want. I promise.

promise

↓

(baby talk) Well, now, that wasn't so hard, was it?

baby hard

↓

Right. Awesome. All right.

awesome

↓

Well, I think that we're in good shape then.

shape

↓

- Okay. Thank you. - How are we gonna do this?

↓

Well, I think one of us is gonna have to help his...

↓

Whoa, dude! I'm not touching his dick.

dick touching whoa

↓

Charlie, you're the one that used all the tape.

charlie tape used

↓

I was comfortable with letting him piss in his pants!

comfortable letting pants piss

↓

All right, fine! Then compromise.

compromise

↓

We'll both do it. That way it's equally weird for both of us.

equally weird

↓

No, no, no. It's fine. Just untape me, please.

↓

No. Oh, no. No! No! (zipper unzips)

zipper

↓

Can I bring something up?

bring

↓

Did he get a little bit hard on us?

hard

↓

- Can we not talk about this? - I felt you got a little bit...

↓

It was very weird.

weird

↓

- Why did it move? - Hey, guys!

↓

- We got a problem. - We did something.

problem

↓

BOTH: Oh, man!

↓

CHARLIE: What happened, dude?

charlie happened

↓

There was a slight mixup with the apartments.

apartments slight

↓

This is Korman's neighbor, Mehar.

mehar neighbor

↓

What happened to doing this without a trace?

happened trace

↓

Well, it's a long story,

story

↓

but the punchline is that he started asking questions.

asking asking-questions questions started

↓

- I asked one question! - You asked a lot of questions.

asked question questions

↓

Let's not have him ask more questions. Keep him in the trunk.

questions trunk

↓

You can't kidnap more people to cover up the original kidnapping.

cover kidnap kidnapping original

↓

- It's a classic mistake! DEE: Oh, I'm sorry!

classic mistake

↓

I didn't know there was a handbook on kidnapping!

kidnapping

↓

MEHAR: Help! - We gotta get him inside.

mehar

↓

- He's probably very hot in there. - There's another bit of an issue,

another issue

↓

which is that I locked the keys in the trunk just now.

keys locked trunk

↓

- What? - Are you kidding me?

kidding

↓

- I didn't want to bring that up. - God damn it, Charlie!

bring charlie

↓

Here's what we're gonna do. You deal with the situation out here, okay?

deal situation

↓

Let's go talk to Korman. He's writing that new review.

korman review writing

↓

I don't want to see that man right now.

↓

- We had a whole thing, and... - What happened?

happened whole

↓

Something happened. None of your business. Thank you.

business happened

↓

- We had a thing amongst the... - Let's just go inside.

amongst

↓

Please.

↓

How long do you think we can hold that inside?

↓

It's burning me up inside, man! It's burning me up! (sighs)

burning sighs

↓

There he is, our little typer. Tap-tap-tapping away.

tapping

↓

- Don't mean to disturb ya. - You're not disturbing me at all.

disturb disturbing

↓

- It's great to see you two again. DEE: I get it. (laughs)

laughs

↓

- You are too much, huh? - You're being a smart aleck.

smart

↓

- You are. - Glad your spirits are still up.

glad spirits

↓

Listen, we wanted to come in and just let you know we're sorry

wanted

↓

about this whole tie-you-up- and-hold-you-here thing.

whole

↓

- We had nothing to do with it. - No. That wasn't us.

↓

- That was somebody else's idea. - Not our idea.

elses idea somebody somebody-elses

↓

Now, if there's anything, though, that we can do,

↓

since we are in this situation... - Absolutely. Together we are.

absolutely situation

↓

- You want to let us know. - Anything at all.

↓

Yeah. How about, uh, letting me go?

letting

↓

- There he goes again. (laughing) - Oh! I didn't know he was so funny!

funny laughing

↓

- I didn't know he was gonna... - I thought he wanted food.

food wanted

↓

Something else we can get you? 'Cause clearly you know, we can't...

↓

All right. A glass of white wine. Maybe a Chardonnay.

chardonnay glass white white-wine wine

↓

- Now you're talking. - You like white wine. I know that.

white white-wine wine

↓

Um, also, do you want me to bring you some lipstick with that?

bring lipstick

↓

Oh! (laughing)

laughing

↓

Oh! Boom! You got faced again, Korman.

boom faced korman

↓

(door closes) Hey, man. You can't just tee her up

closes door door-closes

↓

and expect her not to take a swing at you, right?

expect swing

↓

- Can't blame her for that one. - Can't blame her for that one.

blame

↓

Hey, since you are writing a new review...

review writing

↓

Uh, is there anything I can do to help you out with it?

↓

Uh, you want to fire a couple questions my way?

couple couple-questions fire questions

↓

Uh, no. I think I'm fine.

↓

Okay. Yeah, hey, no problem, man. I just want to...

problem

↓

Just want to make sure you got the total picture on me.

picture total

↓

'Cause I do drive a Range Rover. (keys jingle)

drive jingle keys range range-rover rover

↓

- Huh? - Gas guzzler.

↓

Well, not on the highway. Okay?

highway

↓

Yeah, it's a very classy vehicle, though.

classy vehicle

↓

What do you want me to say?

↓

What do I want you to say? Uh, I don't know.

↓

"Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome.

awesome dennis dennis-reynolds reynolds

↓

"Your flat screen TV, I took a look at it. It's very, very thin.

flat flat-screen screen thin

↓

"It speaks volumes about you as a person."

person speaks

↓

I don't know. Give me something I can work with, Korman.

korman

↓

All right, Dennis.

dennis

↓

Here's the deal. I didn't feel like opening up a bottle of wine.

bottle deal opening wine

↓

So I brought you some Scotch, that's what writers should drink.

brought drink scotch writers

↓

- Some top-shelf Scotch. - Uh, I don't drink Scotch.

drink scotch shelf

↓

Well, you don't have to be a dick about it.

dick

↓

Got a real chip on his shoulder, this one.

chip real shoulder

↓

If I had to write an article about you,

article write

↓

t would say that you're very negative.

negative

↓

The headline might be, "Most negative man in the world

might negative world

↓

"calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."

calls trash white white-trash

↓

Faggy? (smacks lips) (clears throat)

clears clears-throat lips smacks smacks-lips throat

↓

You mind if I just took a quick peek at your new review, there?

mind peek quick review

↓

- I haven't quite finished yet. - That's okay. Nah, that's okay.

finished

↓

I know you're not finished. I just want to see

finished

↓

what direction we're headed in there, buddy.

buddy direction headed

↓

What's it say?

↓

It's, uh, pretty heavy on the kidnapping aspect.

aspect heavy kidnapping

↓

Hmm. Is it?

↓

- You jam in further, though. - This is...

further

↓

I'm at the bottom of, like, whatever's down there, and I'm...

bottom whatevers

↓

It won't catch on to anything is the problem, man.

catch problem

↓

Damn it, dude! I feel like this should be easier.

easier

↓

People break into cars all the time.

break cars

↓

A piece of me wants to chalk this whole guy-in-the-trunk thing

chalk piece trunk wants whole

↓

up to a loss right now, dude. - No!

loss

↓

We can't do that, bro. We gotta get him out of the car.

↓

Then why don't you just let me take the hammer

hammer

↓

and smash the window, and we'll just pop the trunk?

smash trunk window

↓

Charlie, if we were gonna smash the window,

charlie smash window

↓

I would simply do it with a roundhouse kick.

kick roundhouse simply

↓

Oh, come on. You're not gonna be able to break this window

able break window

↓

with a roundhouse kick. Let's get serious here.

kick roundhouse serious

↓

Charlie, I've never been more serious about anything in my life.

charlie life serious

↓

MEHAR: Help! Please let me out! I have to get home! I have a cat!

home mehar

↓

Sir, we all have cats that we'd like to be playing with right now, okay?

cats playing

↓

- We're doing our very best. - My cat is diabetic.

best diabetic

↓

- She needs an insulin shot. Please! - So we gotta babysit a cat, now?

babysit insulin needs shot

↓

Dude, I can't have a dead cat's blood on my hands, man.

blood cats dead hands

↓

- That's not good. (sighs) - All right. Mac to the rescue.

rescue sighs

↓

Let me just back up. I'm gonna roundhouse this.

roundhouse

↓

- I'm gonna kick it. - All right, fine. Kick it, man.

kick

↓

But back up, 'cause I don't want the glass to shatter in your face.

face glass shatter

↓

Guard your eyes. (exhaling)

exhaling eyes guard

↓

- Oh, no! - Shit, dude.

↓

Shit! You know what? There is a slope in the ground, and I wasn't...

ground slope

↓

- You totally broke this mirror! - I wasn't calibrating...

broke mirror

↓

Man! Well, it's the bullshit street. We gotta get the zoning people out.

bullshit street zoning

↓

- I don't think it's the street. - That's an issue. All right.

issue street

↓

Don't touch the window, all right? I'll do that when I get back.

touch window

↓

I'm gonna grab his cat with Dennis' car.

dennis grab

↓

- I'll be back. - Learn how to kick.

kick learn

↓

Take one karate class if you're so into karate.

class karate

↓

That is a really, really nice setup. Now, if he doesn't go for that,

setup

↓

he's just a straight-up retard. That's all there is to it.

retard straight

↓

- Hey, buddy. - Oh, hey, pal.

buddy

↓

Check out this new setup, man.

check setup

↓

This is gonna be our golden ticket. This is gonna get us somewhere.

golden ticket

↓

Hey, man. Do you see any hypodermic needles laying around?

hypodermic laying needles

↓

- What the hell's that? - Mehar's cat. Diabetic. (meows)

diabetic hells meows

↓

Now a diabetic cat is in play? Jesus! We can't catch a break.

break catch diabetic jesus

↓

- I know. Tell me about it. - Nice and easy now.

easy

↓

Oh, Jesus Christ, Charlie! You broke the window?

broke charlie christ christ-charlie jesus jesus-christ jesus-christ-charlie window

↓

Dude, the guy had to take a dump. What was I supposed to do?

dump supposed

↓

Wait, but he's all tied up. How did you...

tied

↓

Don't talk about how it happened. It happened. Give him his cat.

happened

↓

- Dude, your cat's freaking out! - That's not my cat!

cats freaking

↓

- No, Dee. No! - What the hell are you doing, Dee?

↓

- What's Mehar doing here? - What are you doing with my cat?

mehar

↓

- Your cat? - Yes! What is going on?

↓

Mr. Korman, why are they doing this?

korman

↓

Get him out of here! Give him his cat and get him back in the office.

office

↓

- Jesus Christ! Oh, this is bad. - Shut up!

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

This is really bad. You guys, this is bad. What are we gonna do?

↓

- We gotta come up with a plan. - I don't know what to do!

plan

↓

Got it! Ready? Here's the plan. I've been thinking about this, okay?

plan ready thinking

↓

We give them amnesia. It's so easy. Here's how you do it.

amnesia easy

↓

You smash them both over the head with a bottle.

bottle head smash

↓

They go down like a ton of bricks, okay?

bricks

↓

Then we drag them back to their apartments!

apartments drag

↓

We put them in their beds, you know. We set their clocks back.

beds clocks

↓

We get yesterday's newspaper. We put it on their front doorstep!

doorstep front newspaper yesterdays

↓

They wake up thinking it was all a dream.

dream thinking wake

↓

Oh, that is so goddamn stupid! It's so stupid!

goddamn stupid

↓

- Mac, tell me you got something. - I say we bribe 'em.

bribe

↓

- We bribe 'em. - A good old-fashioned bribe.

bribe fashioned

↓

No. That's not gonna work. You know why?

↓

Korman's not gonna go for that. He's made of stone or something.

stone

↓

- Oh, Mehar! Let's bribe Mehar! - Yeah, Mehar could work!

bribe mehar

↓

But I did notice that the kidnapping has rubbed him the wrong way.

kidnapping notice rubbed

↓

So whatever we bribe him with has gotta be worth a lot of money.

bribe money worth

↓

He's gonna want somethin' good. For sure. For sure.

somethin

↓

Oh, Jesus Christ, no.

christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Hey, thanks a lot for taking home Korman's cat.

home thanks

↓

And good luck with your sick cat.

luck sick

↓

DENNIS: God damn it. This is bullshit.

bullshit dennis

↓

All right. Let's go talk to Korman.

korman

↓

DEE: Whoa! Hold on there, Korman.

korman whoa

↓

DENNIS: Where you going, buddy? - Where you going?

buddy dennis

↓

DENNIS: Hey, buddy. DEE: You're not going very fast.

buddy dennis fast

↓

- You're wasting a lot of energy. - Hey, hey, hey! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

energy wasting

↓

Okay. All right. Listen, man. We got a proposal for you, okay?

proposal

↓

Yeah. Now, we are willing to not force you to write that review

force review willing write

↓

f you are willing to step up, do the right thing,

step willing

↓

and not tell anybody that this happened.

anybody happened

↓

I don't care. Whatever it takes to get me out of this bar,

care takes

↓

away from you people.

↓

My man! That is the attitude we've been waiting for.

attitude waiting

↓

Where's this guy been? Now let's talk about the elephant in the room.

elephant room

↓

Let's talk about the pressing charges.

charges pressing

↓

Yeah, we're gonna need you to sign something.

sign

↓

Fine. Whatever it takes.

takes

↓

I can't believe you guys are gonna try and cut a deal with this weasel!

believe deal weasel

↓

The guy's a liar! He lied to us, man!

liar lied

↓

He said he was gonna write a review! He didn't do that!

review write

↓

I touched his dick! Mac, we touched his dick!

dick touched

↓

- Not the time to talk about that. - Why were you touching his dick?

dick touching

↓

There wasn't enough tape and he had to... Let's just move past it.

past tape

↓

Okay, Mr. Korman. Why don't you just go ahead and sign this,

ahead go-ahead korman sign

↓

and then I'll fill in the blanks later.

blanks fill

↓

That way we'll have a confession, and that'll be great.

confession thatll

↓

And there you go. Okay, now.

↓

Let me just get this tape off you, and you can be on your way.

tape

↓

Now, we won't charge you for the duct tape. (both laughing)

charge duct duct-tape laughing tape

↓

- That was a joke. DEE: Oh!

joke

↓

- Holy shit, bro! - Oh, God!

holy

↓

- I really don't like this guy. - You're an idiot!

idiot

↓

We'll see who's the idiot when he wakes up tomorrow

idiot tomorrow wakes

↓

and doesn't remember a thing.

remember

↓

- I don't think that's how it works. - Oh, my God. Well...

works

↓

We may as well embrace the amnesia angle

amnesia angle embrace

↓

because we have no other options at this point.

options point

↓

Okay. I'll go get yesterday's newspaper.

newspaper yesterdays

↓

DENNIS: Okay, you guys ready? CHARLIE AND MAC: Mmm-hmm.

charlie dennis ready

↓

One, two, three.

three

↓

(harmonizing) #And I'll take with me

↓

#The memories

memories

↓

#To be my sunshine after rain

rain sunshine

↓

#And it's so hard

hard

↓

#To say goodbye

goodbye

↓

#To yesterday# (holding notes)

holding notes yesterday

↓

- I ran out. I ran out of breath. - Check it out.

breath check

↓

- What you got there, Ernie? - Oh, it's a new review by Korman.

ernie korman review

↓

Yeah. (clears throat)

clears clears-throat throat

↓

"I woke up in my neighbor's bed with a head wound,

head neighbors woke wound

↓

"yesterday's paper and an empty bottle of sleeping pills,

bottle empty paper pills sleeping sleeping-pills yesterdays

↓

"and my nightmare in that putrid shithole of a bar, Paddy's Pub,

nightmare paddys shithole

↓

"finally, mercifully came to an end. The owners deserve to rot in jail,

deserve finally jail owners

↓

"though having to spend every day with each other

having spend

↓

"in that vile establishment is a decidedly greater punishment.

establishment greater punishment vile

↓

"That is why I decided not to press charges,

charges decided press

↓

"leaving them to live in the hell that they've created for themselves

created leaving live

↓

"for the rest of their pathetic and miserable lives."

lives miserable pathetic rest

↓

- Ouch! - Yeah.

ouch

↓

- Raked us over the coals there. - Really jammed it right in there.

jammed

↓

- Not a good review. - No, it's not a good review.

review

↓

- He went right for the throat. DENNIS: He sure did.

dennis throat

↓

Hey, listen. At least he didn't mention our names.

least mention names

↓

- Yeah, and no pressing charges. - No charges, no names.

charges names pressing

↓

- No names. - That's good.

names

↓

I don't know why, but I'm irritated that he didn't mention my name.

irritated mention name

↓

- I work here! - I'm annoyed he didn't mention it.

annoyed mention

↓

I wish I could live with this, but I can't.

live wish

↓

- It's a story about us! - We gotta go talk to him again.

story

↓

- We should talk to him. - We'll be cool, though.

cool

↓

- Let's have one more conversation. - We're capable of being civil.

capable civil conversation

↓

Let's go talk to him.

↓

Communication's the key, so this seems to make sense.

seems sense

↓

Ooh! You know what I want to get. (grunts)

grunts