Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E07 — Who Pooped the Bed

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 7 — Who Pooped the Bed

DEE: Hey, you guys, what are you doing tonight?

#1

⇓

DENNIS: What the hell kind of question is that?

#2

⇓

MAC: Yeah, you're asking us to predict the future, Dee.

#3

⇓

- How can I predict the future? - Yeah. (chuckles)

#4

⇓

Well, there's a new martini bar opening up downtown.

#5

⇓

I thought maybe we could do something different tonight.

#6

⇓

- Jesus. - Where is this shit coming from?

#7

⇓

She just watched that stupid "Sex and the City" movie.

#8

⇓

- My God. When will that show die? - Never, apparently.

#9

⇓

Dee, you tried this 30 years ago when the show first came on the air.

#10

⇓

Nobody wants to play "Sex and the City" with you.

#11

⇓

Come on, Charlie! You know you did it!

#12

⇓

- Fess up! - I did not poop the bed!

#13

⇓

- Whoa, whoa, whoa! Rewind. - What?

#14

⇓

I'm sorry. Did you say something about pooping in a bed?

#15

⇓

Yeah! There was some poop in our bed this morning.

#16

⇓

- Oh, Jesus. - And Charlie did it!

#17

⇓

- That is bullshit! - Charlie...

#18

⇓

Guys, hold on a second. Relax. Walk us through what happened.

#19

⇓

- Nice and slow. - Al right.

#20

⇓

Well, yesterday, we wake up and there's a piece of poop

#21

⇓

right in the middle of me and Frank, okay?

#22

⇓

Wait a minute. So this happened two nights in a row?

#23

⇓

Yeah, man! So we throw the first piece of poop out

#24

⇓

'cause big deal, whatever. Accidents happen, right?

#25

⇓

But this morning, there's another piece of poop in the same spot.

#26

⇓

Now, Frank says it's not him.

#27

⇓

I say it's not me. But you bet your ass it's one of us.

#28

⇓

This is a lot to handle. The second poop, you held on to it, right?

#29

⇓

- Brought it along. - Oh, no.

#30

⇓

We said we can't predict the future.

#31

⇓

How could we possibly have seen something this awesome?

#32

⇓

- We have to clear our schedules. - What?

#33

⇓

This is gonna require a lot of attention.

#34

⇓

You're not going out with me tonight 'cause they found two poopies?

#35

⇓

Yeah, Dee. But it's not the poop. It's the mystery behind the poop.

#36

⇓

- Hey, girlfriend! - Oh, my God! You scared me!

#37

⇓

Did I? My bad.

#38

⇓

Why did you jump out from behind a car?

#39

⇓

- Were you stalking me? - Girlfriend, you're crazy.

#40

⇓

- Stop calling me "girlfriend." - So, check it.

#41

⇓

Puttin' together a girls' night out. I want you to come.

#42

⇓

Oh, my God. Why would I ever go out with you?

#43

⇓

- I hate you. - I know. I hate you too.

#44

⇓

That's how we girls are. We're catty,

#45

⇓

we backstab and talk about each other behind our backs and stalk.

#46

⇓

Don't you remember how Samantha and Carrie

#47

⇓

and the dykey redhead used to do that kind of fun stuff?

#48

⇓

I don't know who you're talking about.

#49

⇓

"Sex and the City"!

#50

⇓

You are the worst. I know you're gonna be alone tonight, okay,

#51

⇓

I read all about it in the notebook Charlie keeps of your whereabouts.

#52

⇓

- You don't have any friends. - I have a ton of friends.

#53

⇓

Name one friend.

#54

⇓

- Frederick. - Frederick is your cat,

#55

⇓

and he died three weeks ago. It's all here in the notebook.

#56

⇓

So, stop busting my balls, and let's go meet some men.

#57

⇓

- Give me that notebook. - I'm not gonna give it to you.

#58

⇓

Don't reach for the notebook.

#59

⇓

I'll give you the notebook if you come out with me tonight.

#60

⇓

- Fine. - Fun! See you tonight!

#61

⇓

- You want me to do what? - We want you to examine our poopy.

#62

⇓

- We want to know who it came from. - That's it.

#63

⇓

We don't presume to be scientists. That's why we brought it to you.

#64

⇓

We assume there's some kind of test you can run with these machines.

#65

⇓

Actually, you don't have to do any tests,

#66

⇓

'cause I already know it's Charlie's poop and not mine.

#67

⇓

Plus you have a hole in the back of your pajamas.

#68

⇓

It's not my poop! You've been sleeping in a giant dress shirt!

#69

⇓

It just fell out the bottom of it!

#70

⇓

Okay, clearly,we need to figure this out before it tears us apart.

#71

⇓

The only way for us to get to the bottom of this,

#72

⇓

s for you to tear that poop apart. - Take a look. Get inside there.

#73

⇓

You want me to examine a plastic container full of feces?

#74

⇓

You were gonna say something else, and then you stopped. Right?

#75

⇓

- Please get out of my lab. - That wasn't what he was gonna say.

#76

⇓

- Why do you have to go there? - There's no reason to be harsh.

#77

⇓

Tiny little simple poop test.

#78

⇓

You missed out on an extraordinary adventure. Let's get outta here.

#79

⇓

There's other ways to figure this out.

#80

⇓

- Pussy! - Yeah.

#81

⇓

MAN: Hey. Hey.

#82

⇓

Hey.

#83

⇓

- You got a turd? - Yeah. We got a turd.

#84

⇓

I'll take a look at it.

#85

⇓

Okay. Well...

#86

⇓

- It's definitely poop. - Uh, yeah. We know that, guy.

#87

⇓

Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper.

#88

⇓

Well, now we're getting somewhere.

#89

⇓

Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper?

#90

⇓

It's gonna go both ways, dude.

#91

⇓

- Really? - Sorry. Yeah. What else?

#92

⇓

This appears to be a piece of a credit card.

#93

⇓

- Shoot. - Inconclusive.

#94

⇓

How is that not specific to one of you?

#95

⇓

I wish it was, man, but that's inconclusive...

#96

⇓

Oh, boy. There's a good deal of blood in this stool.

#97

⇓

- Of course there is. - Whoever it is should see a doctor.

#98

⇓

Don't give us judgments. Just tell us what's in there. What else?

#99

⇓

- This is wolf hair? - Wolf hair, mmm-hmm.

#100

⇓

Also inconclusive.

#101

⇓

- Jesus Christ! - So much hair in our apartment.

#102

⇓

- But why are you eating it? - Well, it gets in everything.

#103

⇓

- Both of you are eating wolf? - We had a wolf in our apartment.

#104

⇓

Guys! This is getting us nowhere. Can we move on to the DNA test?

#105

⇓

- That's a good idea. - Yeah. I can't do that.

#106

⇓

What do you mean? Aren't you a scientist?

#107

⇓

- Yeah, do it. - No, I'm an econ major.

#108

⇓

I just wanted to look at some poop. (all groaning)

#109

⇓

- You're not a scientist? - I never said I was...

#110

⇓

Bro, you have wasted our time! You have ruined our turd.

#111

⇓

That's the only piece of evidence we have. Put it back together!

#112

⇓

(music playing)

#113

⇓

- Who is she again? - That's Artemis.

#114

⇓

She's the sassy one who always plays by her own rules.

#115

⇓

Those guys are playing hard to get.

#116

⇓

I'm gonna take off my bra, blast my nips.

#117

⇓

Okay. Let's hold on that.

#118

⇓

I think what we need to do is just talk and have fun.

#119

⇓

Bring 'em to us, you know? Artemis, where'd you get that great top?

#120

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Burmington Coat Factory. I got it on sale. It's irregular.

#121

⇓

Oh. Okay.

#122

⇓

Excuse me. Hi.

#123

⇓

- Can we get three cosmos, please? - Actually make mine a water.

#124

⇓

- Water? We're in a bar. - Well, I have a drinking problem.

#125

⇓

Wow. That's a horribly unattractive thing to announce to everybody.

#126

⇓

- I'd like a water, please. - She'll take a cosmo.

#127

⇓

- She'll just hold it in her hand. - That is a terrible idea.

#128

⇓

That's a pretty good idea if you want to get that notebook back.

#129

⇓

- Yeah, I'll take a Jagerbomb. - No. No Jagerbombs.

#130

⇓

- Okay. Fine, Irish Car Bomb. - No.

#131

⇓

- Sake Bomb? - No. Okay, no!

#132

⇓

Nothing with bombs in the name. Okay? Please, the cosmos.

#133

⇓

Go get the cosmos. Thanks a lot. God damn it!

#134

⇓

Oh. Oh. Hottie alert at two o'clock. Here they come.

#135

⇓

- Incoming. DEE: Let me do the talking.

#136

⇓

- What's up, ladies? - Not much. Just enjoying the view.

#137

⇓

Name's Artemis. I have a bleached asshole.

#138

⇓

Okay, it's time to move on to the re-enactment and dramatization.

#139

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Jesus Christ, Frank. You sleep in that?

#140

⇓

My legs get hot.

#141

⇓

I definitely see how something could've slipped out of there.

#142

⇓

That would've fallen right out in the middle of the bed.

#143

⇓

- What about Charlie's hole? - What?

#144

⇓

Get into the bed please and show us how you sleep, guys.

#145

⇓

- All right. MAC: Thank you.

#146

⇓

Right off the bat, I think there's a clear solution.

#147

⇓

Could've prevented this thing. You guys need to get two beds!

#148

⇓

Maybe I'll get two TVs and two refrigerators.

#149

⇓

Do we come to your house and tell you how to sleep?

#150

⇓

I sleep in a king-size bed by myself.

#151

⇓

When I have to go to the bathroom, I use a toilet.

#152

⇓

Look at King Dennis on his bed made for kings,

#153

⇓

with his toilet made out of gold!

#154

⇓

Guys! Everybody calm down, please! This is not about lifestyle.

#155

⇓

This is not about judgments. This is about truth, okay?

#156

⇓

Now, Charlie and Frank, show us how you were positioned

#157

⇓

the night of the incident. Excuse me. Incidents.

#158

⇓

All right. Well... I'm pretty sure I was sleeping like this that night.

#159

⇓

- No way it could've been me. - Charlie...

#160

⇓

- We sleep ass to ass. - Oh, great.

#161

⇓

Clearly we're having a problem with honesty here. Dennis, a word.

#162

⇓

(sighs) I hate to say it, bro,

#163

⇓

but I think we're gonna have to do an overnight observation.

#164

⇓

To be honest, I wouldn't mind seeing how the situation really works.

#165

⇓

It's fascinating.

#166

⇓

You're... (mutters)

#167

⇓

(cats meowing)

#168

⇓

Well, this just gets weirder and weirder, man.

#169

⇓

- Yeah. (farts) - Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

#170

⇓

- Anything? Hey? - Uh, no, nothin'. False alarm.

#171

⇓

Damn it, dude. We can't keep doing this all night.

#172

⇓

Oh, I know. You know what? Why don't we sleep in shifts?

#173

⇓

Yeah, I'm not saying this isn't important work.

#174

⇓

- I can't keep my eyes open. - I hear you. I hear you. (sniffs)

#175

⇓

Alright. You go ahead and go first. I still got a little energy left.

#176

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I don't know about this floor. It's covered in sand or something.

#177

⇓

It smells like some kind of spice blend or pesticide

#178

⇓

or some other kind of sandy poison or something.

#179

⇓

I wouldn't sleep on the floor though.

#180

⇓

- I gotta sleep with them? - You gotta. You gotta.

#181

⇓

- Are you sure you're all right? - Yeah, I'm fine. I got it.

#182

⇓

- You sure? - Yeah, I'm good.

#183

⇓

I'm just gonna sleep for, like, 15 minutes, right?

#184

⇓

And then you wake me up, and we'll switch it off.

#185

⇓

MAC: You good? - I'm fine.

#186

⇓

MAC: Okay. (sighs) Oh, gosh.

#187

⇓

(snoring)

#188

⇓

(birds twittering) (all snoring)

#189

⇓

(sniffing)

#190

⇓

(gasping)

#191

⇓

My God!

#192

⇓

If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men,

#193

⇓

we need to start acting with class.

#194

⇓

We cannot be telling people that we have bleached assholes.

#195

⇓

- He was gonna find out anyway. - Oh, my God.

#196

⇓

And you, you shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store.

#197

⇓

You shouldn't be drinking in a shoe store.

#198

⇓

What is the matter with you? I told you to pace yourself.

#199

⇓

I have a drinking problem.

#200

⇓

Then you should know how to hold your booze a little better.

#201

⇓

- I hold your boobs a little better. - Oh, good one.

#202

⇓

- Ladies, can I help you? - We are here for the Manolos.

#203

⇓

- And what's your shoe size? - Thirteen.

#204

⇓

Oh, my. Uh, we don't carry shoes that large.

#205

⇓

Perhaps you'd like to try the "big and tall" store down the street?

#206

⇓

You know what? I don't like this bitch's attitude.

#207

⇓

Oh! (bottle breaks)

#208

⇓

Did she just try and break a bottle over my head?

#209

⇓

No. Of course she didn't. Girls, I'll meet you outside.

#210

⇓

- Huh? - Get her.

#211

⇓

Oh. Hey.

#212

⇓

(straining) Okay. Just the littlest bit snug, aren't they?

#213

⇓

Uh! There we go. Cute though, huh? How much?

#214

⇓

- $700. - $700. Yes. Well, I tell you what.

#215

⇓

You pay for quality. There's so much crap out there these days.

#216

⇓

Man, I am excited to bust my dogs out in these tonight.

#217

⇓

We're going to a French restaurant. Le Bistro.

#218

⇓

It's five star. I don't know if you've been to it. Probably not.

#219

⇓

Sounds great, but this has been declined.

#220

⇓

Declined? You're kidding me. (groans) It makes me so mad.

#221

⇓

You know, the credit card companies, the way they waste your time.

#222

⇓

Probably protecting me. I spent a lot of money today. Try that one.

#223

⇓

Excuse me!

#224

⇓

(car alarm blaring) Oh!

#225

⇓

(groaning)

#226

⇓

DEE: Oh, God. (alarm continues)

#227

⇓

Did it not go through?

#228

⇓

What motive could a man possibly have for pooping where he sleeps?

#229

⇓

- I love that bed. CHARLIE: Don't buy this act.

#230

⇓

Frank, I will jam that poop right back up your ass where it came from!

#231

⇓

- You know I... - Guys, guys, guys!

#232

⇓

Clearly, we're exhausted and full of emotion.

#233

⇓

But we should not be threatening each other

#234

⇓

with jamming feces into each other's assholes, okay?

#235

⇓

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a second.

#236

⇓

What if we had them produce another sample

#237

⇓

and we cross-reference the samples?

#238

⇓

They'd have to do it in front of us so that there's no foul play.

#239

⇓

Yeah.

#240

⇓

- I can't go now. - Really?

#241

⇓

I could probably squeeze something out.

#242

⇓

I'll get some newspaper. This is exciting.

#243

⇓

This is very exciting.

#244

⇓

DEE: Why, of all places, are we here?

#245

⇓

Because it's your bar, and we're gonna drink for free.

#246

⇓

Damn it, Waitress. That is not what I wanted.

#247

⇓

How... How do you still not know what my name is?

#248

⇓

I'm sorry. I'm supposed to be expected to remember

#249

⇓

everyone's name at all moments of the day.

#250

⇓

This is the opposite of where we're supposed to be.

#251

⇓

(straining) MAC: I see it. It's comin'.

#252

⇓

Oh! Whoa! (Dennis and Mac groan)

#253

⇓

Dee! We were just on the verge of a major breakthrough!

#254

⇓

- He was turtle-heading! - There was no turtles anywhere.

#255

⇓

- Were you pooping on the floor? - No, I was not.

#256

⇓

That was an endurance contest, which I won, by the way.

#257

⇓

- You're paying for that. - She doesn't have to pay for that.

#258

⇓

- Yes, she does. - Bite me, asshole.

#259

⇓

You have a bad attitude when you're drinking.

#260

⇓

You have a bad attitude when you're drinking, you huge-footed slut.

#261

⇓

You know what? I'm just gonna go get more wasted,

#262

⇓

and then I'm gonna bang some random dude.

#263

⇓

- Really? Could it be this guy? - No, it can't. It could be Dennis.

#264

⇓

- Pass. - Whatever.

#265

⇓

You know what? I'm gonna take this.

#266

⇓

- Whoa! - I'm gonna take this.

#267

⇓

- And I'll see you assholes later. - That is my notebook.

#268

⇓

- Free coffee for a year. - Wait. Where did she get my note...

#269

⇓

- I have backups. It's cool. - What is with her?

#270

⇓

Something about drinking. She just won't stop talking about it.

#271

⇓

What's with the plates of shit?

#272

⇓

Somebody pooped the bed. Whatever. Let's get out of here.

#273

⇓

We could use a fresh set of eyes on this if you don't mind.

#274

⇓

No, thank you. I think that Artemis and I have much better things to do.

#275

⇓

Actually, I'm just gonna stick around.

#276

⇓

Excuse me? Are you kidding me? You know what? Forget it. Okay?

#277

⇓

I'm gonna do this by myself. I'm gonna go find some classy,

#278

⇓

sophisticated people who can hold their booze,

#279

⇓

who don't talk about their bleached assholes

#280

⇓

and who aren't obsessed with poop.

#281

⇓

Okay. Bring me up to speed here, boys.

#282

⇓

(The Four Seasons playing)

#283

⇓

(clears throat) This is an interesting piece.

#284

⇓

Mmm. I love his use of space.

#285

⇓

The space... That's what I loved about it.

#286

⇓

What do you think the chunky earth tones represent?

#287

⇓

- Uh... - The rich texture, the dimensions.

#288

⇓

- Almost as if you can smell it. - Oh, God.

#289

⇓

This is the piece I was telling you about. It's unbelievable.

#290

⇓

It's so raw, so base, so utterly human.

#291

⇓

It's almost as if it exploded out of the artist.

#292

⇓

(groans) Well, I think it's crap.

#293

⇓

- Oh, no! (gasping) - Crap, crap, crap.

#296

⇓

No! No! No! No!

#297

⇓

What... Oh, God! Oh, God! Why are you pooping?

#298

⇓

(screaming)

#299

⇓

(thunder rumbling)

#300

⇓

Let's just wrap up the evidence and start again fresh tomorrow.

#301

⇓

You think it'll keep, or should we put 'em in the fridge?

#302

⇓

Nah. (sniffs) They'll keep fine.

#303

⇓

Okay, you know what? You guys win, all right?

#304

⇓

- Are you happy? - Win what?

#305

⇓

(men exclaiming) CHARLIE: Heart failure.

#306

⇓

FRANK: Check the circuit breaker.

#307

⇓

(screaming) Whoa!

#308

⇓

Nobody move! Everyone here is a suspect.

#309

⇓

Put on another pot of coffee. It's gonna be a long night.

#310

⇓

(thunder rumbling)

#311

⇓

Four turds, five suspects,

#312

⇓

so many, many nameless victims.

#313

⇓

The first poop was obviously Frank. Old and weak, he had an accident.

#314

⇓

That's why he was so intent on destroying it.

#315

⇓

There were many turds before this, weren't there, Frank?

#316

⇓

This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it?

#317

⇓

And then you went and did it again the next night?

#318

⇓

Or did you?

#319

⇓

Two poops in two nights? Tall order for such a short man.

#320

⇓

No. The second poop belonged to Charles.

#321

⇓

He wanted to get back at Frank,

#322

⇓

but due to his poor diet, couldn't produce a turd.

#323

⇓

So he called Mac, who jumped at the chance

#324

⇓

to see Frank humiliated one more time.

#325

⇓

But Charlie overlooked the fact that Dennis listens to Mac's phone calls,

#326

⇓

and he heard every word.

#327

⇓

Dennis was jealous that Charlie had chosen Mac to help instead of him.

#328

⇓

He swore to have his revenge.

#329

⇓

That's why he encouraged Mac to sleep while he stayed up.

#330

⇓

He was gonna put the frame on Mac by pooping next to him.

#331

⇓

But he didn't realize that a futon slept on by the weight of three men

#332

⇓

would be off its axis and slope to the center.

#333

⇓

And like a small brown snail, it crept to the middle,

#334

⇓

between Charlie and Frank.

#335

⇓

Deandra! You wanted in on this poop war from the start.

#336

⇓

- No, I didn't. - The outcast...

#337

⇓

... the slut, the bitch, the whore.

#338

⇓

The lonely, sad, slutty, bitchy whore.

#339

⇓

You sat on the side-lines while these four titans battled it out.

#340

⇓

You were jealous that a few pieces of poop got more attention than you.

#341

⇓

That's why, when the lights went out,

#342

⇓

you unleashed some thunder of your own!

#343

⇓

Thunder of the chocolate variety. (thunder rumbling)

#344

⇓

All of that would be fine and dandy, if any of it were true.

#345

⇓

Can we wrap this up at some point?

#346

⇓

In due time, pretty face. In due time.

#347

⇓

Frank, isn't it true you thought

#348

⇓

you've been pooping the bed for months now?

#349

⇓

You chalked it up to your old plumbing

#350

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and penchant for spicy foods. Morning after morning,

#351

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you'd bury your poop after you rose to hide it from Charlie, but...

#352

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... convinced that Charlie had discovered his dirty little secret,

#353

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Frank pooped the bed again the next night as revenge.

#354

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Only a lot more came out than he expected. He had gone too far.

#355

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I've gone too far.

#356

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Due to the size and severity of the poop,

#357

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Frank concluded that Charlie had been pooping the bed all along.

#358

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So he cleaned up the mess

#359

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and wandered the streets looking for someone

#360

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who could replicate Charlie's small and malnourished turd.

#361

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And that's where he came upon his old friend, Rickety Cricket.

#362

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Known the world over for his ability to replicate any man's stool,

#363

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Cricket came back and committed fecal forgery.

#364

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Which leads us to the third turd.

#365

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Dennis and Mac thought it'd be funny

#366

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to put the frame on Frank and Charlie. And so they both pooped.

#367

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But as so often happens,

#368

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the poop rolled together, and two became one. (heavenly choir sings)

#369

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A turd merger. Fused together by fear and hatred and hair.

#370

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But on to the final poop, a poop that can be traced back to Dee!

#371

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But not to her butt.

#372

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The Waitress, drunk out of her mind and furious that Dee

#373

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had pushed her back into the arms of the bottle,

#374

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pooped in Dee's purse while Dee's back was turned.

#375

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(laughing maniacally)

#376

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And Dee carried it unknowingly until she arrived here

#377

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and the lights went out and she was startled,

#378

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knocking her purse to the floor, causing the turd to tumble,

#379

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where it stands before us right now!

#380

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Ha! Huh? So as you can see,

#381

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the mystery of who pooped the bed has been solved.

#382

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And yes, my friends, in a way, oh, you're all guilty.

#383

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Huh? What? Oh!

#384

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Nah. I did it. (thunder rumbling)

#385

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- What? - I did all the poops.

#386

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- Really? - Yeah. I did every one of 'em.

#387

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I even did one while she was wrapping up right here. Look.

#388

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(laughing) (all groaning) - Dude! - Jesus!

#389

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CHARLIE: Oh, my God. (laughing) Why did you do that, dude?

#390

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Because poop is funny. (laughing)

#391

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- I guess poop is pretty funny. - Poop is funny.

#392

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- Poopin' on the floor like that... - That was a good one. You know?

#393

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Well played, my man. Very well played.

#394

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(laughing) That's funny.

#395

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- I hate my life. - Yeah.

#396

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Seriously, dude. Don't ever poop in our bed again.

#397

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