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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S04E06 — Mac & Charlie Die (2)
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
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Season 4, Episode 6 — Mac & Charlie Die (2)
MAC: The only way that my dad is not going to kill us
#1
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s if he thinks we're already dead.
#2
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DEE: What is that? - A glory hole.
#3
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A hole to stick your dick in?
#4
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- What is the password? - Orgy.
#5
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I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.
#6
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(tires screeching)
#7
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According to the Philadelphia Police Department,
#8
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Mac and Charlie are dead.
#9
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I can't believe they're dead.
#10
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- You got any plans for the outside? - I got some big plans.
#11
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Okay. I guess this is probably...
#12
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This is probably gonna be it. So, we should get started.
#13
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Uh, what to say about Mac.
#14
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Um, he certainly was...
#15
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...angry.
#16
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- Burn the duster! - I'm not burning the duster!
#17
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Okay? I'm not burning the duster.
#18
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All right? That's crazy. That's like...
#19
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That's insane. Why would I ever burn... I mean, come on.
#20
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I will continue to wear it in his honor.
#21
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And I will burn some other things.
#22
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Maybe like these stupid, goddamn sleeveless t-shirts
#23
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that he wants "retired" and hung up in the bar, I'll burn these.
#24
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But I am not burning the duster, okay? So, forget it.
#25
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It probably won't even burn anyway. It's not supposed to.
#26
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It's flame-retardant. That's the point. It's like a shield of armor.
#27
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Stop asking me to burn the duster. I'm not gonna burn it!
#28
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So...
#29
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End of story. You know? Let's just move on.
#30
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Okay?
#31
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So...
#32
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Yeah. All right. Well, uh, thank you.
#33
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- Come on. - No.
#34
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- I'm not doing it. No! - Come on!
#35
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Deandra, get on that stage!
#36
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And, uh, we're gonna play a song that was a favorite of theirs.
#38
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FRANK: Go ahead. - Yeah.
#39
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#It's all the same
#40
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#Only the names will change
#41
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#Every day It seems we're wasting away
#42
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#Another place
#43
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#Where the faces are so cold
#44
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#I drive all night
#45
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#Just to get back home
#46
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#I'm a cowboy
#47
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#On a steel horse I ride
#48
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#I'm wanted
#49
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#Dead or alive# FRANK: I'm gonna miss you, Charlie.
#50
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What are you talking about, man? Your mom's sitting right there, man.
#52
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- She's mourning you. - Yeah.
#53
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And now I'm gonna give them the one-gun salute.
#55
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No, no, no, no. No, you're not. Okay. All right. I got it. (gunshot)
#56
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DEE: Oh, my God! Let go!
#57
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Wow. That was great and very touching.
#58
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Thanks so much for coming, both of you. Time to go.
#59
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- See you at the next one. (grunts) - Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie. Aw!
#60
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It's gonna be okay. (sobbing)
#61
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Why don't you go into the bathroom, go into the center stall...
#62
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That's okay, Frankie. I don't need to go potty.
#64
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No?
#65
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Oh, damn it.
#66
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- This changes everything. - I need a ride home.
#68
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Ooh, ooh, ooh. No, no, no. Can't do that, sis.
#69
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Gotta get back home A.S.A.P.
#70
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I'm meeting a couple of potential new roommates. Hot ones.
#71
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You know what I'm saying? (chuckles) All right. It's time to move on.
#72
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(breathing heavily)
#73
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Would you mind not breathing directly into my mouth?
#74
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No thoughts on that?
#75
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You're not gonna say anything? You're just gonna stare at me?
#76
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That's what you're bringing to the table.
#77
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That's great. I'm gonna... Could you excuse me?
#78
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Excuse me. Just for a second. Thank you. Okay.
#79
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Excuse me.
#80
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Sir. Goddamn.
#81
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Thanks. I'm just gonna... Excuse me.
#82
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Excuse me. I'm just gonna... Okay.
#83
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Of course, let me do it. (grunts)
#84
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Thanks. Hi. Oh, my God.
#85
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It's a freak show back there. (pants)
#86
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Ma'am, I'm gonna need for you to step behind the line.
#87
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Look, as you can probably tell, I'm not really a "bus person."
#88
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It's just a couple of dicks destroyed my car
#89
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and forced me to lower myself to this.
#90
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If you could just cut me some slack because...
#91
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I don't know if you've been back there, but animals.
#92
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You're touching me. This isn't weird for you?
#93
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Ma'am, either you get behind the line or your ride ends here.
#94
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- I'm behind the line. - You're on the line.
#95
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On the line, behind the line, who cares?
#96
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- I'm pulling the bus over. - No, no, no, no! Goddamn it!
#97
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I will go back behind the line with the rest of the filthy degenerates.
#99
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But I am not happy about it, lady. Excuse me!
#100
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Oh, my God. Really? Oh, my God.
#101
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Oh, no. You stay put. I'll get it. On the floor of a bus.
#102
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On the floor of a filthy bus. Excuse me for just a second!
#103
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Damn it. Dude.
#104
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I can't believe Dee finally caught on and canceled her credit card.
#105
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This is really not good, dude. Now we don't have any beans.
#106
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We don't have any beer, dude. We're shit out of luck.
#107
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We'll get back to the bar, get beer there. At least we'll have that.
#108
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- That's not a bad idea. - In the meantime, I need a popper.
#109
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- I gotta get my head straight. - I got bad news on the popper.
#110
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This is the last one, dude.
#111
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- Shit. Really? - Yeah.
#112
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All right, I think I should get it.
#113
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I gotta...
#114
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- Not going to happen. - Can I just have it?
#115
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Will you let me do the poppers? Will you let me be the popper person?
#116
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Oh, you son of a bitches! Hey, look out! (grunts) Look out!
#118
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Hey! Hey! (banging window) Hey, you jerks! Goddamn it!
#119
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Move out of the way!
#120
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Hey, no! Stop the bus! Stop the bus!
#121
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WOMAN: Shut up, stupid! - You shut up, bitch!
#122
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Stop the bus! I need...
#123
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Sir. Sir. I need to pull the cord to get off the bus. This is my stop.
#124
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I'll get out of your way as soon... My God, what is wrong with you?
#126
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Goddamn it, you bitches!
#127
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(gasps)
#128
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I hate the bus.
#129
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Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac's shit.
#130
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Good-bye, Mac's shit. Good-bye, Mac...
#131
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Come on, dude. When were you ever gonna use nunchucks?
#132
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Uh, yeah. Hang on one second.
#134
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All right.
#135
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Yeah, it's perfect.
#136
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- Pow. Hello. - Uh, hi. Um, can I help you?
#137
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(German accent) You're looking for a roommate, right?
#138
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Uh, yeah. Yeah, I was looking for two, actually. Female?
#139
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I believe I was pretty clear in the ad here.
#140
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- Oh, yeah? - It was pretty cool, for a week.
#144
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And then I banged one of them.
#145
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- Oh. Nice. - Not nice.
#146
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Do you know what this is like, banging a chick that you live with?
#147
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It's terrible, man. Bah-bah-bah.
#148
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Every day you have to deal with this. Bah-bah-bah-bah-bah.
#149
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(spits) - "Get out, lady." - Hmm, yeah. Yeah.
#150
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Wow, yeah. I guess I never really thought about that before. You're...
#151
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You're much smarter than my old roommate. (scoffs)
#152
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Yeah, look. I'm gonna be up front with you.
#153
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I run with a pretty wild crew.
#154
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There's probably gonna be chicks over here, like, all the time.
#155
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- Yeah... - I'm into some pretty crazy shit.
#156
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I don't even know most of their names.
#158
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- Mmm-mmm. (laughs) - Yes, it's like... Wow, yeah.
#159
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I've been trying to get into the anonymous sex thing lately.
#160
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- Oh, yeah? - Now are you, uh, European?
#161
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Oh, I'm sorry. What gave it away? (both laugh)
#162
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Nice. Yeah, well, you know,
#163
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- Hmm? - Look...
#165
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I like this by the way. This is a sweet duster.
#166
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First, he doesn't burn the duster. Now he's looking for new roommates?
#167
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Why did you want to burn that duster anyway?
#168
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He always wears it with no shirt and a shit load of cologne. It's ruined.
#169
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- Hello, bitches! MAC: Jesus Christ, Dee!
#170
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You scared the shit out of me. I almost dropped all my beer.
#171
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I knew you two weren't dead.
#172
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What are you doing popping out of our tent?
#173
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- Not cool, Dee! - Oh, not cool?
#174
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Oh, I'll tell you what's not cool.
#175
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and then convincing your friends and your family that you're dead.
#177
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That's one of the cooler things you could ever do. I suggest you try it.
#178
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I don't know why you're up here doing whatever. And I don't care.
#180
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What I do care about is my 1997 Dodge Neon. So here's the deal.
#181
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You two monkeys are going to get me a new 1997 Dodge Neon.
#182
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Or I'm gonna tell Frank and Dennis
#183
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that you faked your own deaths, and you're hiding up on the roof.
#184
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Now you're just talking crazy. You can't buy a new 1997 Dodge Deon.
#185
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You can buy an old one, you can't buy a new one.
#186
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- Unless you had a time machine. MAC: Dee, you got bigger problems.
#187
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Because my dad just got out of jail, and he's coming to kill you.
#188
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- What? Me? Are you sure? MAC: Yeah. Yeah.
#189
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- Kill you, kill us, kill everybody. - He's gonna kill everyone.
#190
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Why would you not tell me this news earlier?
#191
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Oh, my God. Get off our case, Dee. What's done is done.
#192
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Mac and I are hobo drifters now. Okay? We don't dwell on the past.
#193
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Hobo drifters live in the present. So if you really want to get back
#194
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I don't want to get back at Frank and Dennis!
#196
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I want to get back at you two!
#197
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- What? Is that what your plan was? - Yes!
#198
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- No. No, come on! - I tell you what. Here's the plan.
#200
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It is the only thing you can do now 'cause you're in this too deep.
#202
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Look, you want to die? Okay. Now...
#203
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What's your bean situation? You got some beans on you? Or what's up?
#204
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Good-bye, son.
#205
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Hey, Jan. Oh, man, I gotta tell you, this is awesome.
#207
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It's making me forget that Mac ever even died.
#208
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- Oh, yeah. Just relax, roommate. - I'm gonna relax.
#209
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I'm gonna relax all over the place in a second.
#210
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What?
#211
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Oh, shit. Jan? (knock on door)
#212
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All righty. I gotta get this.
#213
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(clears throat) - Hey, Dennis. - Really? What do you want?
#214
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I was gonna go for a quick jog in Fairmont Park by myself.
#215
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- Yeah. Great. Okay. Have fun. - It's kind of dangerous.
#216
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- I got it, Dee. Go jogging! - I don't have anything reflective.
#217
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What does it have to do with me? Just go jog!
#218
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- In the dark by myself. - Goddamn it!
#219
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Sorry about her. She's a bag... I hate her.
#220
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Whoa, Dennis! Which one do you want first, huh?
#221
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- Greta or Sasha? - Oh, shit! Why'd you do that, bro?
#222
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- Come here, man. (scoffs) - What did I do?
#223
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You said their names.
#224
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Come on, man. That kills it for me. Look, bro. Can I be honest with you?
#225
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This is great, but I was really hoping for more of like, uh,
#226
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you know, an anything-goes, crazy, European, sex-party kind of a thing.
#227
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- Something a little kinkier? - Kinky? Oh, yeah.
#228
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Oh, oh-oh. (both laugh) Let me make some calls.
#230
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- Of course I can. I'm European. - Oh, man. That's...
#232
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(hissing) (both laughing)
#233
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- He's got a lot of new friends. - Yes, I can see that.
#235
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Shut up, dude. I'll bet you Frank is throwing a party, too.
#238
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It's your turn to take the bedpan out tonight.
#239
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(imitating Charlie) No, no, Frank! I did it last time!
#240
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and I walked down the hallway with the bedpan.
#242
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(imitating Charlie) All right, Frank! I'll do it!
#243
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Only because I like you so much!
#244
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(crying) I like you, too, Charlie.
#245
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I like you, too, new Charlie.
#246
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New Charlie.
#247
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You know what, man? I'm kicking it up a notch.
#248
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- We're haunting these bitches. - Haunting's cool, man.
#249
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- Coming back from the grave, bitch. - Right. That's cool. That's cool.
#250
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What's this? What are you doing? Like "Poltergeist" or something?
#251
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Awesome, right? Craig T. Nelson!
#252
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Craig T. Nelson is the best, dude. But "Poltergeist?" (blows raspberry)
#253
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- Why? - It's not scary.
#254
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It's all about psychological damage. Big deal. Look at me.
#255
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Psychological damage up to here. Doesn't do anything for me.
#256
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Physical damage, that's what's gonna irritate people.
#257
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- All right. What do you suggest? - I mean, if anything,
#258
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maybe we tie some knives to our fingers,
#259
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and we get a little more serious about this whole murder thing.
#260
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- Haunting. We're gonna haunt. - I'm sorry. I was thinking "dead."
#261
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I'm so happy to see you! Oh, God! I had the weirdest night!
#262
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It was crazy! When I left Dennis's place, I saw I don't have a car.
#263
⇓
I had to run home by myself through the park in the middle of the night.
#264
⇓
So, I'm on Spring Garden Street and this big car full of gangbangers...
#265
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Okay, gangbangers, that is an awesome story, Dee!
#266
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That's the end of it, right? The end of the story?
#267
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- We are in the middle of something. - Gonna put some on our fingers.
#268
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- And start murdering people. - We're gonna haunt people.
#269
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You're gonna do, like, a "Poltergeist" thing.
#270
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(people laughing) - It's Dennis. - That's Dennis.
#271
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Office. Back office.
#272
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DENNIS: Like I said, pop 'em off! Start poppin' 'em off!
#274
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Oh, I love it, I love it. Hey, feel free to be free.
#275
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No American judgments here. The only rule is don't tell me your names.
#276
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I don't want to know your names, okay?
#277
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(imitating Charlie) Hi, I'm Charlie. (chuckles) Oh, I love these girls!
#278
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Frank! What are you doing, man?
#279
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You're freaking the girls out with this mannequin. Get rid of it!
#280
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Dennis, these girls are German.
#281
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German! (imitating Charlie) We're gonna have demented sex, Frank?
#282
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Yeah!
#283
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That is the greatest party I've ever seen. These sons of bitches!
#284
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Is he gonna take that stupid little mannequin everywhere?
#285
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That is freaking me out!
#286
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They're just hanging out with half-naked ladies
#287
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and I just ran and sweated for absolutely nothing?
#288
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- I don't sound like that. - Goddamn it! Get pass it.
#289
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- Who cares about the mannequin? - I care!
#290
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I look like a jerk in front of those girls.
#291
⇓
- I'm putting an end to this. - Yeah, dude. Screw your dad.
#292
⇓
Let him eat our asses. Let him eat my butt into smithereens.
#293
⇓
- I'm ending this. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
#294
⇓
Let's not be rash, right? I mean, come on.
#295
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Look, if we're not gonna haunt them, we should have a little fun, right?
#296
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- Let's scare the shit out of them. - Yeah.
#297
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- We gotta make an entrance. - Let's scare the shit out of them.
#298
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JAN: Dennis! - Jan, this is what I want, man.
#299
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Look, I have this very kinky surprise for you, my friend.
#301
⇓
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
#302
⇓
I've arranged for you to use... the glory hole!
#303
⇓
- I forgot about the glory hole. - Ja. Ja, ja, ja.
#304
⇓
- I've sent someone in there now. - Yeah?
#305
⇓
Totally anonymous. Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, oh!
#306
⇓
Jan, there are no words, man.
#307
⇓
That's right. I'm the boss. But I'm a good boss.
#308
⇓
And I'm gonna allow you to watch. (door opens)
#309
⇓
(imitating Charlie) Okay, Frank, I...
#310
⇓
(door closes) Shh! Oh, somebody's coming.
#311
⇓
Any minute now, the German broad is gonna knock on that wall,
#312
⇓
which is my signal to go in my pants,
#313
⇓
take out my penis, and stick it through the hole.
#314
⇓
(laughs) Then she can go to town!
#315
⇓
Hey, honey. You want to take care of this monster for me or what?
#316
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There's no way I can picture that is a girl.
#317
⇓
DENNIS: Frank? - Dennis!
#318
⇓
What the hell are you doing here, man?
#319
⇓
- Jan sent me! - Jan sent me, too!
#320
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This is bad.
#321
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Everybody out! Okay? There has been a major miscommunication!
#322
⇓
Get your European, sex, freaky asses out of the bar.
#323
⇓
Let's go. Come on. Come on. Move it. Move it. That's right.
#324
⇓
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