Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S04E05 — Mac & Charlie Die (1)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 4, Episode 5 — Mac & Charlie Die (1)

WARDEN: Okay, so just to clarify for the parole board once again,

#1

⇓

you are claiming that your father threatened to, quote,

#2

⇓

"Eat the living shit out of you."

#3

⇓

(microphone feedback whines) Uh, that is correct.

#4

⇓

Mr. Kelly, in your sworn statement to police, you've claimed

#5

⇓

that the prisoner told you that if you didn't, and I quote,

#6

⇓

"Jam a bunch of stuff into your butt,

#7

⇓

he was going to rape you so hard the room would stink."

#8

⇓

And he was going to, quote,

#9

⇓

"Eat your butt and his son's butt in the stink

#10

⇓

"until his stomach was full of...

#11

⇓

Your butts."

#12

⇓

Is this correct?

#13

⇓

(microphone feedback whines) That is also correct. Oh, man...

#14

⇓

Warden, they're lying. I do not wanna hurt them.

#15

⇓

In fact, I wanna get as far away from those two

#16

⇓

as I possibly can.

#17

⇓

BOTH: Objection! That's an objection, Your Honor! He's lying.

#18

⇓

- Hey! Hey, hey, hey! - Move to strike!

#19

⇓

Quiet! Sit down! Sit down! Get your hands off the microphone!

#20

⇓

Just leave it in the middle of the two of you. Leave it alone!

#21

⇓

Take your hands off the mike! Leave it alone. Leave it there.

#22

⇓

LUTHER (clears throat): Yes.

#23

⇓

A few weeks ago, they came to apologize for getting me arrested.

#24

⇓

I did not accept their apology.

#25

⇓

That never happened! Shut up!

#26

⇓

- Charlie, shut up! - Quiet! Quiet at the hearing!

#27

⇓

Not gonna accept our apology? Okay, fine. Plan B, bitch.

#29

⇓

I'm gonna tell those parole board dickheads

#31

⇓

that you said you were gonna rape my butt until the room stinks.

#32

⇓

And then you're gonna eat my butt until your stomach's full of butt,

#33

⇓

full of my butt and full of Mac's butt.

#34

⇓

- You're not gonna say it... - I'm gonna say something like that.

#35

⇓

MAC: Charlie, I'm telling you, running away is not the answer.

#37

⇓

Mac, we're gonna need supplies on the road. So just calm down.

#38

⇓

Help me throw some stuff into the stick and bindle.

#39

⇓

Dude, no matter where we go, my dad will find us.

#40

⇓

While I admit it would be awesome to be hoboes drifting from town to town

#41

⇓

solving mysteries, I think we need to find a real solution.

#42

⇓

Oh, my God! How do hoboes fit all their stuff into a bandana?

#43

⇓

It doesn't make sense, man! We're gonna need like a towel

#44

⇓

or a tablecloth or something! But, ah! It's not gonna look cool!

#45

⇓

- We're gonna look like assholes. - Wait a second. That's it.

#46

⇓

I got it. Forget the bindle.

#47

⇓

The only way that my dad is not going to kill us

#48

⇓

s if he thinks we're already dead. - Great. I was hoping you say that.

#49

⇓

- Let's kill ourselves. - No.

#50

⇓

- No. You didn't let me finish. - It's no problem, I'm on board.

#51

⇓

I grab a knife, I'm gonna jab it into your neck,

#52

⇓

I'll yank it out, and then your blood's...

#53

⇓

- No, buddy, listen... - You'll die in five or 10 minutes.

#54

⇓

Depending on how horrific it looks, I'll probably do it myself too.

#55

⇓

Okay, listen. I was gonna say we fake our own death.

#56

⇓

He thinks we're dead and he leaves us alone.

#57

⇓

Yeah, right. Either way works. Let's pick one before he gets here!

#58

⇓

Let's pick the second one where we don't actually die.

#59

⇓

Calm down! We'll pick the second one.

#60

⇓

Now, let's think. We gotta do it in some way that's convincing.

#61

⇓

If we were gonna kill ourselves it'd be awesome, right?

#62

⇓

Yeah. If we were gonna kill ourselves, it would be with class.

#63

⇓

- I mean, because... - Of course it would be with class.

#64

⇓

What do you think, I'm not gonna die with class?

#65

⇓

- Maybe some type of explosion? - Of course it's gonna be explosion!

#66

⇓

- You think I'm not gonna explode? - I'm thinking, Charlie.

#67

⇓

It would be some kind of a blaze of glory...

#68

⇓

Of course it's gonna be a blaze of glory. I'm going down right now.

#69

⇓

- Hold on a second. - What's up?

#70

⇓

Okay, all right. So...

#71

⇓

- Did I miss something? - You're not getting this.

#72

⇓

I'll walk you through the steps as we go.

#73

⇓

First step, do not douse yourself with lighter fluid.

#74

⇓

DEE: Whoa. What is that? FRANK: I don't know.

#75

⇓

You think it's for watching somebody poop?

#76

⇓

You think there's some perv coming in here to watch me make?

#77

⇓

What are you guys doing in here? I got to go to the bathroom.

#78

⇓

There's a hole in the wall. We're trying to figure out what it is.

#79

⇓

Well, well, well, Deandra.

#80

⇓

Would you look at that.

#81

⇓

(chuckles) Frank, Dee, what you two have discovered today

#82

⇓

s what is most commonly referred to as a glory hole.

#83

⇓

A glory hole?

#84

⇓

A secret portal created as a passageway

#85

⇓

for one to safely insert one's penis.

#86

⇓

I'm sorry. A hole to stick your dick in?

#87

⇓

Yes, Dee. The partition acts as a physical barrier,

#88

⇓

thus ensuring anonymity throughout the spontaneous act of copulation

#89

⇓

or fellatio or, at the very least, a hand job.

#90

⇓

What? Why? Why would you wanna have sex with someone you can't see?

#91

⇓

Dee, I think the real question is,

#92

⇓

why wouldn't you wanna have sex with someone you can't see?

#93

⇓

It's very European. You see, Europe leads the way in sexual exploration.

#94

⇓

And, quite frankly, I think it's time we caught up.

#95

⇓

This sounds hot. I'm gonna go get some duct tape.

#96

⇓

Whoa! Hold on a second, Frank.

#97

⇓

Before you go sticking anything through that hole,

#98

⇓

you might wanna consider that on the other side of this wall,

#99

⇓

more often than not, there's a dude.

#100

⇓

But you can't see through the wall.

#101

⇓

So how do you know it's not a girl?

#102

⇓

I mean, I can just picture a girl, and then... It's good. (chuckles)

#103

⇓

Right. Well, some might find that method effective,

#104

⇓

but it's a dangerous game you're playing, Frank.

#105

⇓

Supposing the other guy is picturing a girl also?

#106

⇓

How is he gonna do that with a dick in his mouth?

#107

⇓

I don't know. That's his problem.

#108

⇓

We're filling it in.

#109

⇓

- Okay, buddy, you ready? - Are you sure we have to do this?

#110

⇓

Charlie, yes, we have to do this.

#111

⇓

If the cops are gonna identify the bodies,

#112

⇓

we need to leave dental records behind, right?

#113

⇓

So we leave a couple of teeth. Bing-bang-boom!

#114

⇓

- I feel like it's gonna hurt. - It's gonna hurt like a bitch.

#115

⇓

- Okay, ready? - Uh-huh.

#116

⇓

- One, two... - Uh-oh. Wait.

#117

⇓

- That just came out on its own. - Yeah, that slipped right out.

#118

⇓

I barely pulled that. I barely pulled that.

#119

⇓

(gasps) What?

#120

⇓

- Damn, dude. - That's another.

#121

⇓

You should really brush your teeth more, 'cause that is not normal.

#122

⇓

(yelps) Oh! Charlie, stop pulling your teeth out.

#123

⇓

- They're just coming right out. - You're freaking me out.

#124

⇓

- They, like, slip right out. - It's really freaking me out.

#125

⇓

(knock on door) Oh, shit.

#126

⇓

- Oh, shit. - You think it's my dad?

#127

⇓

- Of course it's your dad, dude. - Shh.

#128

⇓

DEE: Charlie, open up. We got a dick hole in the bar.

#129

⇓

I need you to come fill it in. (sighs)

#130

⇓

- I got to go fill her dick hole. - Okay. No, no, bro.

#131

⇓

Come on, we don't have time. Okay. Audible.

#132

⇓

Grab the camera. Is Dee's car outside?

#133

⇓

- Uh, yes. - Okay, great.

#134

⇓

We'll steal it. We'll use it as a part of blaze of glory.

#135

⇓

(yelps) Now you got to stop. Give it to me. Give me the teeth.

#136

⇓

Okay, I got them in my pocket. Okay. Shh.

#137

⇓

- Hey! What the... (thud) - Okay, go, go, go, go. (Dee yells)

#138

⇓

(screams)

#139

⇓

- Why would you do that? - Don't know. It's happening fast.

#140

⇓

- You could've just opened it. - That's true.

#141

⇓

I'll fire you through that window. All right, grab the... No!

#142

⇓

- Just go. - Let's go. Grab the camera.

#143

⇓

Okay. So... The videotape is done.

#144

⇓

My teeth are scattered throughout the car.

#145

⇓

- And the will is in place. - Okay. Great.

#146

⇓

Toss it out the window. They'll think we did it at the last minute.

#147

⇓

Okay. Got it. What's next?

#148

⇓

I'm gonna gun this car as fast as it goes directly into that wall.

#149

⇓

Judging by the distance, I'm thinking I can get her up to about

#150

⇓

60, 70 miles an hour. - Oh, definitely. Definitely.

#151

⇓

At the last second, I'm thinking maybe three feet from the wall,

#152

⇓

we jump out to safety, the car explodes in a hot ball of fury.

#153

⇓

- And we're dead to the world. - Okey-dokey. Good luck with that.

#154

⇓

Wait. Where you going, dude?

#155

⇓

Well, I'm gonna... I'm gonna watch you do it.

#156

⇓

- No. We need to do it together. - I'm not really doing anything.

#157

⇓

Yes, you are, Charlie. You're here for moral support.

#158

⇓

If no one's actually seeing us jump out of the car...

#159

⇓

We're gonna kill ourselves together. You get out. I'll do it myself.

#160

⇓

The whole thing's gonna be better without me anyway, Mac.

#161

⇓

It's gonna be great without me. All right, buddy, good luck.

#162

⇓

Pussy.

#163

⇓

(engine revving)

#164

⇓

(screaming) Mac!

#165

⇓

Holy shit! Are you all right? Why didn't you jump out?

#166

⇓

- Holy shit! - I'm okay, Charlie.

#167

⇓

- Dude! Oh, my God! - I was going too fast.

#168

⇓

Oh, my God. Let's get out of here.

#169

⇓

We're gonna have to burn the car. We'll have to get some gasoline.

#170

⇓

Holy shit! (laughing) Whoo!

#171

⇓

Pawn shop, dude?

#172

⇓

We're not gonna find something to burn the car at a pawn shop.

#173

⇓

Are you kidding me? You can find amazing things in pawn shops.

#174

⇓

What about a gas station?

#175

⇓

- You can buy some gasoline. - We said this the whole walk over.

#176

⇓

You can't go to a gas station. There's too many cameras.

#177

⇓

Bro, I say something, and then you forget it two seconds later, okay.

#178

⇓

You sure you're all right? Your ear's bleeding a ton.

#179

⇓

- I feel like one million dollars. - All right, you don't seem like...

#180

⇓

Focus, Mr. Million dollars and let's find something to blow up a car.

#181

⇓

Oh! Charlie, look at that wedding dress, dude. That's sad.

#182

⇓

Okay, that is not gonna blow a car up, okay? So can you focus?

#183

⇓

Will you please find a way to focus? Oh, shit, look at this, dude.

#184

⇓

- Now we're talking. - Damn, they sell guns here?

#185

⇓

They sell everything here. That's what I'm trying to tell you.

#186

⇓

Pawn shops are like international waters.

#187

⇓

People come in and they just trade stuff.

#188

⇓

Anything goes here. We can get whatever we want.

#189

⇓

- Let's pick this bad boy up. - Shit, that's awesome. Good.

#190

⇓

You're sure we'll have enough money for this and the wedding dress?

#191

⇓

'Cause that is a great gun.

#192

⇓

We're not buying the wedding dress.

#193

⇓

- We're buying the wedding dress. - Are you crazy?

#194

⇓

- We can't just leave it here. - We absolutely can leave it here.

#195

⇓

It's not gonna help us in any way, shape or form.

#196

⇓

- That's crazy. - You know what?

#197

⇓

That car wreck, it scrambled your circuits. You're losing your mind.

#198

⇓

Will you just let me handle it? I got Dee's purse.

#199

⇓

We got her credit cards in here. We have plenty of money.

#200

⇓

I know what I'm doing. And stop talking about the wedding dress.

#201

⇓

Sir? Excuse me, sir.

#202

⇓

Hi. Um, we are in desperate need of something that will destroy a car

#203

⇓

and, uh, annihilate any traces of a human being.

#204

⇓

Let me see what I got.

#205

⇓

- All right, you see that? - Yeah.

#206

⇓

Your ol' buddy here knows what he's doing every now and then.

#207

⇓

- Okay? - Yeah.

#208

⇓

Okay.

#209

⇓

This is an interesting turn. I'm assuming this is a live grenade.

#210

⇓

- Oh, yeah. - Well, then we'll take it.

#211

⇓

- Was the wedding in Philadelphia? - I don't care about the wedding.

#212

⇓

Sir, do you have anything that might get my buddy's head straight?

#213

⇓

He's losing his mind.

#214

⇓

- Got some poppers in the back. - All right. There we go.

#215

⇓

(exhales sharply)

#216

⇓

All right, Luther, today's the day.

#217

⇓

You got any plans for the outside?

#218

⇓

(grunts)

#219

⇓

(breathing heavily) Yeah. I got some plans.

#220

⇓

(cell door opening) I got some big plans.

#221

⇓

Okay, I'm gonna throw this grenade into the car.

#222

⇓

The car will explode, and our problems will be solved.

#223

⇓

In the meantime, I need you to do a popper.

#224

⇓

Okay, I understand the plan. Except for when we find the bride.

#225

⇓

- Don't even start, man. - It's an important part of my plan.

#226

⇓

Take a deep breath of this. Inhale. (inhales)

#227

⇓

- Oh! - There we go.

#228

⇓

- Yeah! - Grenade!

#229

⇓

- Throw it in the car. - Yeah. Let's do it. I'm back.

#230

⇓

Let's not talk about the dress anymore. Here we go.

#231

⇓

- No dress. Grenade. - Go! Move! Go, go, go, go!

#232

⇓

Okay. (laughing) This is gonna be awesome.

#233

⇓

It's gonna be huge. (laughing)

#234

⇓

(horn honks)

#235

⇓

- That's it? - Weird.

#236

⇓

- That was totally lame. - That's what grenades do?

#237

⇓

- It was a very old grenade. - What a gyp.

#238

⇓

I thought it was gonna be so much more awesome than that.

#239

⇓

- The car's not even on fire. - All right, plan B.

#240

⇓

Gun. Gas tank. I'm gonna fire directly into it.

#241

⇓

- The car's gonna go up. - Now you're thinking.

#242

⇓

- Go, baby. - Ready?

#243

⇓

Whoa, whoa. Dude. You're gonna waste all the bullets.

#244

⇓

- You got to get a lot closer. - Closer?

#245

⇓

No. You got to stay far away 'cause it's gonna blow up.

#246

⇓

- Chickenshit. I'll walk right up... - You can't walk right up to it.

#247

⇓

- It'll blow you to safety. - How about this?

#248

⇓

Popper. Put it to my nose. We'll walk up.

#249

⇓

- And I'll just be firing as I go. - That will help your focus.

#250

⇓

That's the smart thing to do. Hold on. I'm stepping on this dress.

#251

⇓

- One, two... (inhales) - Go.

#252

⇓

- Ah! God damn it, dude! - No more bullets.

#253

⇓

Grenades and bullets don't burn cars?

#254

⇓

New plan. The teeth, the envelope, the crash. I think it's enough.

#255

⇓

- You think that's enough? - Maybe the cops will think we...

#256

⇓

- I don't know. Disintegrated? - All right, fine.

#257

⇓

We'll get Dee's credit card, buy some camping equipment.

#258

⇓

- We'll go up to the roof. - There's my boy.

#259

⇓

- He's making plans again. - He's back.

#260

⇓

He's also wearing a wedding dress. And I'd like him to take it off.

#261

⇓

- Oh, yeah. - That's completely crazy, man.

#262

⇓

This is it.

#263

⇓

Uh, I'm having second thoughts about this sex party thing, Frank.

#264

⇓

Dennis, you're having second thoughts about the glory hole?

#265

⇓

And now you're gonna be skittish about the sex party? Don't...

#266

⇓

You said you wanted to have anonymous sex. This is the place.

#267

⇓

I do wanna have anonymous sex. I wanna have anonymous sex.

#268

⇓

I wanna have a sex party. I want the glory hole. I want all those things.

#269

⇓

What I'm having a hard time believing though, Frank,

#270

⇓

s that there is an elite secret sex society

#271

⇓

behind that door in this building.

#272

⇓

I used to run with this crew. These people are the most powerful,

#273

⇓

nfluential, sexiest people in Philadelphia.

#274

⇓

Why are they having a goddamn orgy in such a dump then?

#275

⇓

I thought this kind of thing went down in somebody's elegant mansion.

#276

⇓

- I was looking forward to that. - No.

#277

⇓

Nobody's gonna have an orgy in their mansion,

#278

⇓

all over their nice furniture. That doesn't make sense.

#279

⇓

No, it doesn't. That's a really good point. Let's do it.

#280

⇓

Put your mask on, and don't embarrass me.

#281

⇓

Don't embarrass yourself.

#282

⇓

(knocking on door)

#283

⇓

(people talking indistinctly)

#284

⇓

What is the password?

#285

⇓

Orgy.

#286

⇓

You may enter.

#287

⇓

"Orgy"? Seriously?

#288

⇓

What the hell is this place? What did you bring me to?

#289

⇓

- This is a buffet. - I can see that it's a buffet.

#290

⇓

But why is there a buffet at a goddamn orgy, Frank?

#291

⇓

You don't wanna bang on an empty stomach, do you?

#292

⇓

I don't wanna bang any of these people anyway.

#293

⇓

They're all paunchy and weird and old.

#294

⇓

- You can't tell under the masks. - I can absolutely tell.

#295

⇓

Why are our costumes so much more elaborate than everybody else's?

#296

⇓

It's like they didn't put any effort into it. Jesus Christ.

#297

⇓

That guy's not even wearing a mask.

#298

⇓

He's got the right idea. This beak is interfering with my nosh.

#299

⇓

Don't take it off. Aw, Jesus. What are we doing here, man?

#300

⇓

How is this even an orgy? Nobody's having sex.

#301

⇓

What did you bring me to? It's like a half-nude buffet party.

#302

⇓

It's not exactly what I thought it was gonna be either.

#303

⇓

But it's okay. There's a lot of food.

#304

⇓

Frank, I think we can both agree.

#305

⇓

This is not the kind of anonymous sex we're looking for, right?

#306

⇓

You wanna go down by the bridge?

#307

⇓

What in God's name could possibly be down by the bridge?

#308

⇓

- I don't know. It could be cool. - It could be cool?

#309

⇓

No, Frank. I don't wanna go down by the bridge.

#310

⇓

I'm going back to the bar. I'm gonna go back to the glory hole.

#311

⇓

That's something I feel like I can wrap my head around.

#312

⇓

- This is ridiculous. - You think these are fresh shrimp?

#313

⇓

- Or is it frozen shrimp? - I don't care!

#314

⇓

What is this place? These are not... It's like a bad acid trip in here.

#315

⇓

I'm coming. I'm gonna come.

#316

⇓

FRANK: Now, what if I just slip my foot over like this?

#317

⇓

As if to say, "Hello. I'd like to have some anonymous sex, please."

#318

⇓

DENNIS: All right, I'm into that. - Then I wait for the signal back.

#319

⇓

If it's a lady's foot, I'm in the clear.

#320

⇓

Frank, here's my problem with that. A man can wear a woman's shoe.

#321

⇓

You can't rule out trickery. That's why we need the viewing slot.

#322

⇓

This slot defeats the purpose. I could see your eyes.

#323

⇓

- We might as well get married. - It's the safest way, Frank.

#324

⇓

Dennis, if I was looking for safe,

#325

⇓

I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

#326

⇓

You guys, get out here right now. You need to take a look at this.

#327

⇓

Good news, Dee. We made the bathroom unisex.

#328

⇓

- Glory hole's up and running, baby. - I don't care about that.

#329

⇓

According to the Philadelphia Police Department,

#330

⇓

Mac and Charlie are dead.

#331

⇓

- And you got the camera on? - Is it ready?

#332

⇓

- Yeah. Good. - Are we on? Okay.

#333

⇓

Dennis and Frank, if you're watching this, then we're already dead.

#334

⇓

Our lives were horrible.

#335

⇓

Horrible and sad. So we decided to end it all.

#336

⇓

Not me actually. My life was pretty sweet.

#337

⇓

But Charlie and I had a suicide pact, and I have to honor that

#338

⇓

because I am an honorable man. I will die an honorable man.

#339

⇓

There's also a will enclosed, and you totally have to do all of that.

#340

⇓

- Because that's a law. - Wait a second. My life was also...

#341

⇓

Here we go. (Blaze of Glory playing)

#342

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I can't believe they're dead.

#343

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I can't believe they didn't include me in their suicide pact.

#344

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What? Are you crazy? They're not dead.

#345

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- They're doing something stupid. - You saw the tape, Dee.

#346

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My best friends went out in a blaze of glory

#347

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and they didn't ask me to be part of it. This is terrible!

#348

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Are you buying this? That is ridiculous.

#349

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Dennis, they left us a list of demands.

#350

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What are you talking about? It's their last will and testament.

#351

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- That is not demands. - It says, "List of Demands."

#352

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Whatever. It's their wishes, and we have to honor them.

#353

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Oh, we do? We have to honor them? Okay. Let's see, Frank.

#354

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Charlie's number one, "My ashes are to be made into a tea

#355

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and to be dranken by every-wan in bar."

#356

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- Done. - Damn it. Gross. Fine. What else?

#357

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Mac's number one, "In lieu of a body,

#358

⇓

"which was most likely blown up in the most awesome way imaginable,

#359

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"I would like the duster to be burned and its ashes buried

#360

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n an unmarked grave somewhere by the river."

#361

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Well, that's crazy. I'm not gonna burn or bury the duster. No.

#362

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Yeah. We also both have to name our firstborn child Murphy

#363

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because that was RoboCop's name.

#364

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God damn it. Mac is dead, and he's still bossing me around.

#365

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- Mac is not dead, Dennis. - How can you be so cold?

#366

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- He blew up my car! - Not burning the duster.

#367

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- You're still talking about a coat? - Absolutely!

#368

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- That is an automobile. DEE: It's a piece of clothing!

#369

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FRANK: They're people! DEE: They're alive!

#370

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(arguing) Jesus, man, they must be really broken up.

#371

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- If we can hear them from up here. - Like cryin' and whinin' and...

#372

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I'm excited about the hot dogs. Oh, crap!

#373

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- What? - We should've got beans, dude.

#374

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- Hoboes are always eating beans. - We'll be fine without the beans.

#375

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'Cause this is a perfect, perfect hiding spot.

#376

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- This would be better with beans. - Leave it alone with the beans.

#377

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(glass shatters) (grunts) Yeah. No. Stop it.

#378

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Don't do it. Oh, my God. How?

#379

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- How is that possible? - I don't know.

#380

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- Just put it down. - You think they're my baby teeth?

#381

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Put it with the other ones. (arguing continues) (teeth clinking)

#382

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- You're won't be able to eat this. - I'll suck it down.

#383

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LUTHER: I asked you to leave me be.

#384

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I asked you to let me live my life.

#385

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But you wouldn't go away.

#386

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You kept pushing and pushing

#387

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until you forced me to do something drastic,

#388

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something I was hoping I would never have to do.

#389

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