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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S04E04 — Mac's Banging the Waitress
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Season 4, Episode 4 — Mac's Banging the Waitress
MAC: Okay, it's 2:30 on a Wednesday. Philadelphia, PA.
#1
⇓
Hello, America. Mac here...
#2
⇓
With another installment of Project Badass.
#3
⇓
I will now light the pyrotechnics...
#5
⇓
Which are attached at the arms and back and all over my pants.
#6
⇓
Totally and completely badass. Here we go!
#7
⇓
Three, two, one.
#8
⇓
#Here I go again on my own
#9
⇓
(Mac laughing) Ooh!
#10
⇓
- Yeah! - Oh, Jesus!
#11
⇓
I actually found that to be pretty goddamn entertaining.
#13
⇓
I gotta be honest. You have more of those?
#14
⇓
I've been working my ass off on these videos.
#16
⇓
Has Charlie seen these? He'd love 'em.
#17
⇓
I showed it to him. He acted like he liked it.
#18
⇓
He even asked me to keep one of the videocassettes for multiple views.
#19
⇓
And then when I wasn't around, I saw him smashing one.
#20
⇓
- Smashing it? - I don't know what his problem is.
#21
⇓
He's been completely pissing me off recently.
#22
⇓
- I worked so hard on those tapes. - Why?
#23
⇓
- Hmm? - Why?
#24
⇓
- To show how badass I am. CHARLIE: Code red. Code red!
#25
⇓
Code red, guys! Guys, we got a code red on our hands!
#26
⇓
- What? (panting)- Oh, my God. Check it out.
#27
⇓
According to my sources, the waitress is seeing somebody.
#28
⇓
- Do you know who this guy is? - No. I have no idea, man.
#29
⇓
I just got a shady readout on the guy. Tell you what, Mac.
#30
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Seeing how you're my best friend, maybe you can look into it for me.
#31
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- Go down there. Snoop around. - Can I stop you for a second?
#32
⇓
I'm sorry. I'm a little confused here.
#33
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You said he was your best friend? How is he your best friend over me?
#34
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Well, I mean... You banged the waitress.
#35
⇓
Do I have to explain that to you? That rubbed me the wrong way, dude.
#36
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Okay. I mean, you know, I don't see how that
#37
⇓
should factor into whether we're best friends or not.
#38
⇓
To be honest with you, I'm a little shocked.
#39
⇓
I'm kinda... I'm thunderstruck.
#40
⇓
Oh, well, I'm sorry, man. But I didn't mean to hurt you.
#41
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I didn't mean to thunderstrike you. But I don't know what to tell you.
#42
⇓
how it is that you consider Mac to be a better friend to you.
#44
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This is becoming awkward when I have a real problem!
#45
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All of a sudden it's about some weird feelings thing!
#46
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It's not about your feelings now, but my feelings. I have a problem.
#47
⇓
Mac, do you think you can find this guy and kick his ass for me?
#48
⇓
Absolutely, bro. I will find this guy and I will kick his ass.
#49
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You know why? Because you and I are best friends.
#50
⇓
(doorbell rings)
#51
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He's onto us.
#52
⇓
(music)
#53
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(doorbell buzzes)
#54
⇓
- Hey, hey! - Hey.
#55
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- Hey, what's up, buddy? How are ya? - Good.
#56
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Until Mac and I take care of a little business.
#58
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You stay as long as you want to 'cause that's what friends do.
#59
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They let each other stay at each other's apartments.
#60
⇓
- They hang out with each other. - Absolutely.
#61
⇓
We can do that. Do some bonding.
#62
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Maybe go over the best friend thing a couple more times.
#63
⇓
Where are you going with that?
#64
⇓
I was gonna throw your sleeping bag in my room. You can stay with me.
#65
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I'm sure he wouldn't mind. My room's a lot bigger.
#67
⇓
I'm just gonna stick with the plan here.
#68
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Okay. Listen, man, since you're here and you got all this beer,
#69
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let's crack a couple of 'em open, let's get tipsy.
#70
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Yeah, but the beer is for me and Mac. You know?
#71
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- It doesn't have to be, though. - Celebrate the ass kicking.
#72
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Well, I mean, there's 24 beers there if I'm counting right.
#73
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12 for me and 12 for Mac. That's sort of our thing that we do.
#74
⇓
You guys are gonna drink that many? Just the two of you? Tonight?
#75
⇓
We could do something else. Let's do something else!
#76
⇓
Hey, board games, man! Let's have a board game night.
#77
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- Chinese checkers. - That's kinda foreign to me.
#78
⇓
I got Clue. We could solve a mystery together.
#79
⇓
What about Connect 4? Connect 4's a fun game.
#81
⇓
- Lot of counting. - It's... not that much counting.
#82
⇓
It's just one, two, three, and then four you win.
#83
⇓
But a lot of times you gotta count that much.
#84
⇓
Not that many times. If you get it once, you've won the game.
#85
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So, you're...
#86
⇓
- Have you ever spent any... - Kinda in...
#87
⇓
- I'm in your way. - My way.
#88
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Yeah. Cool.
#89
⇓
Let's watch a movie. That's simple. That doesn't require any...
#90
⇓
We can just sit down and watch... I bought a bunch of new DVDs.
#91
⇓
- Yeah, I got a lot of work to do. - What are you... What is that?
#92
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Oh, nothing. I just got a couple long-range walkie-talkies.
#93
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Oh, cool. Did you get one for me?
#94
⇓
I...did...not.
#95
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That's all right. I mean, we could probably just... (beeps)
#96
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Who has the other one?
#97
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(beeps) Mac probably.
#98
⇓
(music)
#99
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- All right, let's do this. - What are you doing?
#100
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- Popping my pants off. - Why?
#101
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Because we're gonna bang.
#102
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To shove it into Charlie's face for smashing my tape.
#103
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How many times do we have to go through this?
#104
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I know what your little plan is.
#105
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If I am gonna bang you, it's gonna be on my own terms.
#106
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There's some things that I need from you. (grunts)
#107
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All right, whatever. I'll wear the goddamn condom.
#108
⇓
Do you really not wear condoms when you have sex with strangers?
#110
⇓
- Why would I wear a condom if... - Okay, I don't care.
#111
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I just need you to get me in Dennis' house alone
#112
⇓
- What? - None of your business.
#114
⇓
- Is it a sex tape? - No.
#115
⇓
Yes. How do you know that?
#116
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He videotapes every chick he bangs. He's got a thousand of them.
#117
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I don't like 'em though.
#118
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It's mostly that horrible angle that you see in porns,
#119
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where it's all balls and male ass just...
#120
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- That's disgusting. - Who likes that and finds it sexy?
#121
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- Are there balls and asshole... - Please stop doing that.
#122
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Eesh. I'm gonna take this.
#124
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Then maybe later we can do some hand stuff.
#125
⇓
- Are you in junior high? - Mouth stuff?
#126
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- Oh, my God. - Mouth stuff.
#127
⇓
Best Friend 1 to Best Friend 2, come in.
#128
⇓
Hey, buddy. What's up?
#129
⇓
What's the status, Best Friend 2? You make contact with target?
#130
⇓
Yeah. Affirmative. I totally kicked his ass.
#131
⇓
Good, man!
#132
⇓
Hey, what was this jerk's name?
#133
⇓
His name? Um...
#134
⇓
- Don. - Don. Typical.
#135
⇓
- You get a last name on this chump? - Yeah. Johnson.
#136
⇓
Yeah. Sounds like a real sucker.
#137
⇓
Actually, no. He had some sweet moves.
#138
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But I totally roundhoused him. Took him out.
#139
⇓
- My form was pretty perfect. - I'm sure you did.
#140
⇓
I'm sure you did. That's my man. That's my best friend right there.
#141
⇓
Why don't you head back to the nest for some pizza and beer.
#142
⇓
Best Friend 1, over and out. (static humming)
#143
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He forgot to say, "Over and out." I can't believe that.
#144
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He's lying.
#145
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He's spinning you a web of lies, Charlie.
#146
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- What are you talking about, dude? - Don Johnson?
#147
⇓
You don't find that a little suspicious?
#148
⇓
No. Should I? (chuckles)
#149
⇓
Don Johnson's the dude from "Miami Vice", Charlie.
#150
⇓
I don't think so.
#152
⇓
Then maybe he beat up the Don Johnson you're talking about.
#153
⇓
No, it's something else. Something stinks here, bro.
#154
⇓
And it is not just Mac's dirty socks.
#155
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Really bad!
#157
⇓
I'm surprised you've been in here for this long
#158
⇓
without cracking a window.
#159
⇓
I should crack a window. I tried. It's like they're ealed shut.
#160
⇓
I hate to say this, bro, but...
#161
⇓
I think Mac's banging the waitress.
#162
⇓
- What are you talking about? - Hey.
#163
⇓
I can't say for sure. I don't have any hard evidence.
#164
⇓
And he's gonna break your heart, man.
#166
⇓
And when he breaks your heart, I'll be here
#167
⇓
to pick up the pieces and put you back together.
#168
⇓
'Cause that's what a real best friend does.
#169
⇓
You know where to find me.
#170
⇓
Over and out.
#171
⇓
(music)
#172
⇓
Oh, my God.
#173
⇓
Jesus Christ, dude. You scared the shit out of me.
#174
⇓
(slurring) A little late, isn't it?
#175
⇓
Yeah. Yeah. What are you still doing up?
#176
⇓
Oh, well, you know, I was just waiting for my...
#177
⇓
My best friend.
#178
⇓
Right. Well, I went on a long walk, so...
#179
⇓
Hey, here's an idea for you.
#180
⇓
How about you take your mind off of it
#181
⇓
with some pizza and some beer?
#182
⇓
Oh, that's right.
#183
⇓
I ate all the pizza and I drank all the beer.
#184
⇓
You must be wasted, dude. 24 beers by yourself?
#185
⇓
And... I'm very wasted.
#186
⇓
Right. Okay. Why don't you come to bed, bro?
#187
⇓
Oh, I don't think I'm gonna be sleeping in your bed tonight.
#188
⇓
Doesn't really feel right.
#189
⇓
I feel like it might be a little bit better for me...
#190
⇓
f I spent the night on the couch.
#191
⇓
Okay. That's cool. Just make sure you go to the bathroom
#192
⇓
before you sleep 'cause I don't want you to piss on the couch again.
#193
⇓
No, we wouldn't.
#195
⇓
'Cause that would be a terrible thing to do.
#196
⇓
Terrible and...
#197
⇓
Seriously, if you piss on the couch again...
#198
⇓
- I'm not gonna piss... - Just want to be very clear.
#199
⇓
You're buying us a new one if you piss on the couch.
#200
⇓
Just don't piss on the couch. You've done it before.
#201
⇓
- All right, good night. - I can control myself.
#202
⇓
(music)
#203
⇓
Didn't sound like best friend talk out here to me.
#204
⇓
No, it... It really wasn't.
#205
⇓
I think that sounds just fine.
#207
⇓
Come on, Charlie. Come to your real best friend.
#208
⇓
- Yeah. You're my friend. - I'm your friend.
#209
⇓
- My God! Your breath is horrible. - Sorry. I'm like so drunk.
#210
⇓
Oh, Jesus. Just get in the bed. Oh, my God.
#211
⇓
(Charlie snoring)
#212
⇓
(whispers) Dennis?
#213
⇓
Dennis, wake up.
#214
⇓
Wake up. (grunts)
#215
⇓
- What time is it? - Shh. It's really late, dude.
#216
⇓
There's a certain situation developing between myself,
#217
⇓
Charlie, and the waitress that I need to talk to you about.
#218
⇓
- Proceed. - Okay.
#219
⇓
Well, as you know, Charlie thinks that he and I are best friends,
#220
⇓
which is total bullshit.
#221
⇓
Because you know that what we have is much stronger than that.
#222
⇓
- You and I are blood brothers. - Most definitely.
#223
⇓
So as my blood brother, I need to confide a secret to you.
#224
⇓
- You've been banging the waitress? - How'd you know that?
#225
⇓
Blood brother. I know more about you than you know about yourself.
#226
⇓
Listen, bro. I need you to do me a favor.
#227
⇓
Can you get Charlie out of the apartment tomorrow?
#228
⇓
Why?
#229
⇓
'Cause she wants to bang in your bed.
#230
⇓
I don't know. She's obsessed with you. She's a total freak.
#231
⇓
(snores) I don't give a shit either way because I want to rub it
#232
⇓
n Charlie's face for smashing my Project Badass tape.
#233
⇓
Whatever it's gonna take to finally get you two banging.
#234
⇓
- Dennis, I got you something. - You got me something?
#235
⇓
- What? - I got you a walkie-talkie.
#236
⇓
- Dude, that's great. - Now we can communicate better.
#237
⇓
- That's awesome, man. - It's good, right?
#239
⇓
Thank you. (laughs)
#240
⇓
(grunts) Shh, shh.
#241
⇓
Well...
#242
⇓
- Hey. - Hey, Charlie.
#243
⇓
Well, what is this?
#244
⇓
- What am I seeing? - Nothing, man.
#245
⇓
- You're having a dream right now. - Yeah. Just a dream.
#246
⇓
- I'm dreaming? - Yep.
#247
⇓
- Yeah, dreaming. - Yep.
#248
⇓
You sure? I feel like I'm awake.
#249
⇓
No, man. You're... This is a dream that you're having.
#250
⇓
All right.
#251
⇓
Am I peeing? (liquid streaming)
#252
⇓
- Are you peeing? - He's pissing all over the bed!
#253
⇓
I told him he was gonna do it! He drank too much!
#254
⇓
DENNIS: Goddamn it! - Guys, if I'm peeing, wake me up.
#255
⇓
DENNIS: But that had to change your mind
#256
⇓
about who your real best friend is though.
#257
⇓
I'll give you this much, dude. The guy's acting very weird.
#258
⇓
But I need proof if I'm gonna sell him down the river.
#259
⇓
Proof? He told me he was gonna bang her, man.
#260
⇓
Maybe the two of you are plotting against me.
#261
⇓
Look, it doesn't matter. I got a plan to prove it to you.
#262
⇓
- What's this plan of yours? - Walk with me.
#263
⇓
I planted that walkie-talkie that Mac gave me in my bedroom.
#264
⇓
We're gonna switch to that channel and listen to the whole thing.
#265
⇓
We're gonna catch that son of a bitch red-handed.
#266
⇓
Oh, my God. That'll work.
#267
⇓
Yeah, and the whole thing's gonna be on tape too.
#268
⇓
You know that video camera I keep in my bedroom?
#269
⇓
It's like a security cam. Except it's for banging.
#271
⇓
- Weird. - Come to the office with me.
#272
⇓
(music)
#273
⇓
Yeah, he keeps that camera running nonstop, just in case.
#274
⇓
Yeah! Here we go. "W" through "Z!"
#275
⇓
- You should be under "W," yeah? - My name doesn't start with a "W."
#276
⇓
"Waitress." Here we go. "Waitress, coffee shop."
#277
⇓
- One star. Not good. - Oh, just give that to me.
#278
⇓
- One star. - Well, I guess a deal's a deal.
#279
⇓
So pop those knickers off so we can jam.
#280
⇓
Not just yet. I need one more thing from you.
#281
⇓
Jesus Christ. I just want to bang at this point just to get it over with.
#282
⇓
I want to get it over with too,
#283
⇓
but I want you to bang me at Charlie and Frank's apartment.
#284
⇓
You want to bang in Charlie and Frank's apartment?
#285
⇓
Yeah, that'll be good. We can rub his face in it.
#286
⇓
If we're gonna do that, we gotta be very careful.
#287
⇓
I don't want to get caught slipping in and out before the coitus.
#288
⇓
- Let's make a plan. - Okay.
#289
⇓
Goddamn it. This doesn't make any sense.
#290
⇓
We should be hearing them by now. Why aren't we hearing them?
#291
⇓
- 'Cause I turned it off. - What do you mean, turned it off?
#292
⇓
- I don't want to listen to this! - You gotta listen to it.
#293
⇓
- I don't think I can. - You need to hear him sexing her.
#294
⇓
The video alone won't be evidence enough because of the angle.
#295
⇓
- What's wrong with the angle? - Let's put it this way.
#296
⇓
You won't be able to see anybody's face.
#297
⇓
- Oh, it's the lowdown... - You got it.
#298
⇓
MAC (over radio): If we're gonna do this,
#299
⇓
Dressed like a man?
#301
⇓
you're dressed like Dennis or Charlie.
#304
⇓
I should probably dress like Charlie 'cause he's kinda my height.
#305
⇓
No. No. I'm gonna be Charlie. You're gonna be Dennis.
#306
⇓
That's gonna be better. Trust me. We'll dress you up in his clothes.
#307
⇓
That way we can slip you in and out with ease
#308
⇓
'cause we gotta be very careful.
#309
⇓
This could be a very, very messy situation.
#310
⇓
So I want you to stay behind me. Get behind me and stay behind me.
#311
⇓
- No. I want to be in front of you. - No. You gotta be behind me.
#312
⇓
I gotta have you behind me.
#313
⇓
- What the hell is that all about? - I don't know.
#314
⇓
Now from here on out, I'm gonna refer to you only as Dennis.
#315
⇓
When we slip in, you're gonna start banging me, hard!
#316
⇓
Well, Mac's gay.
#318
⇓
Yeah, this is Blood Brother 2. Go ahead.
#320
⇓
My mission's close to being complete.
#321
⇓
But I need a favor.
#322
⇓
I need you to get Frank and Charlie away from their apartment.
#323
⇓
I need to get in there without being detected.
#324
⇓
Blood Brother 1, over and out!
#325
⇓
Now he says "Over and out." I can't believe he just said that.
#326
⇓
What do you think he wants over at your apartment?
#327
⇓
- I don't know what's going on. - Shit, I know what it is.
#328
⇓
Oh. This is sick, but hear me out.
#329
⇓
I think he wants to be you getting banged by me in your apartment.
#330
⇓
(groans) It's like role play!
#331
⇓
Oh, God. He's got some sick, twisted obsession with us.
#332
⇓
He's totally obsessed with us.
#333
⇓
That's why he's showing the videos, to prove to us he's a badass.
#334
⇓
He wants to impress us because he's in love with us.
#335
⇓
- My God. He's so in love with us. - Oh, my God.
#336
⇓
- Ew, dude! - This is twisted.
#337
⇓
This is dark.
#338
⇓
We need to get to the bottom of this.
#339
⇓
- Let's just find a hiding spot. - Okay, good.
#340
⇓
I'm thinking if I get in the bed and I get real low and flat,
#341
⇓
and maybe you're underneath me or on top of me, they won't see us.
#342
⇓
If I get all balled up and small, I get too high,
#344
⇓
and you'll see that there's someone in the bed.
#345
⇓
Now the further and wider I go...
#346
⇓
the flatter I become, like a starfish, you know?
#347
⇓
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