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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S06E12 — Dee Gives Birth

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 6, Episode 12 — Dee Gives Birth

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Dee Gives Birth

Air date: December 09, 2010

Director: Matt Shakman

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Dee's blessed event is fast approaching but the father's identity remains a mystery---to the gang, at least. So they throw a party and invite all of Dee's former flings.

Source: TMDB

↓

- Look what Charlie and I found. - Look at this.

charlie found

↓

Oh, God. Ahh! Get that away from me.

↓

It reeks. What is that?

reeks

↓

- Dude, this is our mail. - Look at that.

mail

↓

It's our mail and it was in the sewer.

mail sewer

↓

What is our mail doing in the sewer?

mail sewer

↓

I threw it in there. You turkeys never open it,

open threw turkeys

↓

so I just started throwing it in the sewer.

sewer started throwing

↓

Why don't you just throw it into the trash?

throw trash

↓

Because if I threw it in the trash, you would find it

threw trash

↓

and then would yell at me.

yell

↓

Besides, I certainly never expected you guys

besides certainly expected

↓

to be rooting around in the sewer.

rooting sewer

↓

That brings up another issue. What are you two doing in the sewer?

another brings issue sewer

↓

- We always go in the sewer. - We hang out in the sewer.

hang sewer

↓

- Why? - Why?

↓

- There's stuff down there. - Yeah. Don't knock the sewer

knock sewer stuff

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- till you've tried the sewer. - You find shit down there.

sewer till tried

↓

- But how are you so clean? - We take our clothes off

clean clothes

↓

so we don't get dirty.

dirty

↓

- You guys! - Hang on a second, Dee.

hang second

↓

We're getting into something.

↓

Anything could be down there.

↓

- Big stuff. - Yeah. Rings, coins, nudity.

coins nudity rings stuff

↓

- That's all part of the fun. - All kind of stuff.

fun part stuff

↓

The two of you are walking around in the sewers naked

naked sewers walking

↓

looking for rings and coins?

coins looking rings

↓

You feel it with your feet. It's almost like clamming.

feet

↓

- Okay, but, you guys… - Oh, Dee, will you just knock it off.

knock

↓

I wanna know why these two are rooting around in the sewer…

rooting sewer

↓

- My water just broke! - Drain could… What?

broke drain water

↓

I'm having a baby.

baby having

↓

Out of my way. I've broken my water.

broken water

↓

There's a baby inside of me running out of water.

baby running water

↓

- Look out! - Dennis, that was amazing.

amazing dennis

↓

I've never seen anybody drive that fast.

anybody drive fast seen seen-anybody

↓

- You hit 120! - I almost stewed my drawers.

drawers

↓

She was screaming in my ear the whole time.

screaming whole

↓

Probably screwed my transmission up.

screwed transmission

↓

- Nice and easy. Here we go. - Oh, yes. This is my ride.

easy ride

↓

- They've done this before. - Thank you.

↓

- All done with you. You can go. - Hold on a second.

second

↓

Where's the guy? Should we call the guy?

↓

Get the guy down here. The guy who…

↓

Oh, no, no. That guy. There's no guy.

↓

What do you mean there's no guy?

↓

It's complicated.

complicated

↓

There's gotta be a guy. We'll go get the guy.

↓

- We'll get the dad. - There's no guy.

↓

Why don't you guys do what you do best and don't care, okay?

best care

↓

I got it from here. We can take it from here.

↓

- Right, Michael? - Yeah.

michael

↓

Michael and I got it. Thanks, guys.

michael thanks

↓

All right. Kind of rude, but I guess if we're off the hook,

hook rude

↓

let's head back to the bar.

head

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah. I could get blitzed.

↓

No. Wait. Stop, guys. No. This is not right.

↓

Something is not right here. This is very suspicious.

suspicious

↓

- What? There's no guy in the picture? - So what?

picture

↓

You know what this means, right? There's no dad in the picture.

picture

↓

That means the brunt of the responsibility of this kid

brunt responsibility

↓

is gonna fall on us. We're gonna have to do everything.

fall

↓

- Ooh. - You're right.

↓

Dee is like the most irresponsible person on the planet.

irresponsible person planet

↓

Look what she was doing with the mail, for Christ sakes.

christ christ-sakes mail sakes

↓

Oh, my God! We're gonna be in charge of the kid?

charge

↓

This kid cannot become our responsibility.

become cannot responsibility

↓

I mean, look what this kid has ruined already.

ruined

↓

- He's ruined my transmission. - Yeah.

ruined transmission

↓

He's ruined a perfectly good sewer conversation.

conversation perfectly ruined sewer

↓

Which I still wanna get to the bottom of that one.

bottom

↓

- Right. - We will.

↓

God knows what he's gonna ruin in the future.

future knows ruin

↓

He's going to ruin everything.

ruin

↓

We gotta find the dad!

↓

- You're right. - Let's find the dad.

↓

It's the dad's responsibility. Let's find the dad.

dads responsibility

↓

- Let's find the dad. - Yeah. Okay.

↓

I wonder if the dad even knows.

knows wonder

↓

I'll bet she's embarrassed,

embarrassed

↓

too embarrassed to tell us because she's bedded some real stinkers.

embarrassed real

↓

You know what? She might not even know herself.

might

↓

No. There's always overlap.

↓

Any multiple number of sperms could have gone up there

gone multiple number

↓

and eaten the egg. There could be so many dads.

dads eaten

↓

- No, sperm doesn't eat the egg. - It doesn't eat the egg

sperm

↓

and grow strong and become a baby?

baby become grow strong

↓

Either way, she's pregnant and it's a guy, so let's get him.

pregnant

↓

Why don't we just round up the usual suspects

round suspects usual usual-suspects

↓

and then we'll figure out how many of them.

figure

↓

Somebody's gotta stay here with her.

somebodys

↓

- You think so? - You're right. Yeah.

↓

- You're right. - And it looks like it's gonna be you.

↓

- Why? What happened? - Well, mostly because

happened mostly

↓

you know, we're all on this side.

side

↓

- And you're over there. - Just 'cause you guys made it

↓

- to one side before me? - You didn't make it

side

↓

to this side on time.

side

↓

Also, now we're backing out and you're stuck there.

backing stuck

↓

- I can back out. - Hey, we'll find the dad.

↓

You better find that dad. This is not fair.

fair

↓

Keep your eye on her.

↓

What are you doing? Get down!

↓

I'm trying to make the TV go.

↓

You are standing on top of a rolling chair.

chair rolling standing

↓

You're gonna go flying through that window.

flying window

↓

Will you get down?

↓

- I'm serious. You get down, Dee. - All right.

serious

↓

Oh, my… What are you thinking?

thinking

↓

Well, I'm trying to watch my stories, okay.

stories watch

↓

I have a very specific birth plan,

birth plan specific

↓

and mostly it involves me watching my stories to relax,

involves mostly relax stories watching

↓

but I can't get this goddamn TV to do anything.

goddamn

↓

Well… What are you… Knock it off

knock

↓

- I'm mad at the… - Stop straining yourself.

straining

↓

Go lie down. Lie down now.

↓

This is exactly what I was worried about, Dee.

worried

↓

You see, I am going to have to do everything

↓

because you're an irresponsible person who stands atop rolling chairs

atop chairs irresponsible person rolling stands

↓

and chooses to go flying through windows.

chooses flying windows

↓

Have the baby first. Have the stupid baby.

baby stupid

↓

Then go flying through all the windows you like.

flying windows

↓

Oh, my… Just lie there.

↓

Wait for the doctor. I will get your stories.

doctor stories

↓

God, this baby is becoming such an irritating thing to me.

baby becoming irritating

↓

- Yeah. - God, what an irritating thing babies are.

babies irritating

↓

Oh, my goodness. I'm having to do everything.

goodness having

↓

I'll figure you out, you son of a bitch.

bitch figure

↓

What was going on? Where is everybody?

everybody

↓

I thought this was supposed to be a party.

party supposed

↓

- They'll be here. You're early. - Do you have anything to drink?

drink early

↓

The salt on the chips dries out my mouth.

chips mouth salt

↓

I'll poke around the fridge and see if there's anything.

fridge poke

↓

- Where's the beer? - I forgot the beer.

beer forgot

↓

- I'm sorry. - You didn't bring beer?

beer bring

↓

How are we supposed to know this is a party if there's no beer?

beer party supposed

↓

- I got wrapped up in the invitations. - A party with no beer.

beer invitations party wrapped

↓

We don't want them thinking it's an interrogation.

interrogation thinking

↓

Oh! Hey!

↓

Party! Party! All right! Hey!

party

↓

- Hey, Cricket. - Ooh. Where's the booze at?

booze cricket

↓

What's up, fellas?

fellas

↓

- Hey. - Who invited Cricket?

cricket invited

↓

I did, because I figured it's a wild card.

card figured wild wild-card

↓

- That's a stone you can leave unturned. - We don't have time for that bullshit.

bullshit stone

↓

We gotta get on this, right? Let's just pick one and go.

pick

↓

Hey, Bill? Could we talk to you for a sec?

bill

↓

- Maybe, uh, in this… - Oh, yeah? Yeah.

↓

Let's do this.

↓

- A little guy time. Guy time. - All right.

↓

All right, let's turn it up. Whoo!

whoo

↓

Let's get weird, buddy.

buddy weird

↓

Let's get weird.

weird

↓

- Thanks for coming to the party, Bill. - Thanks for having me.

bill coming having party thanks

↓

It's good to get away from the wife and kids

kids wife

↓

for a little bit, you know, let the hair down.

hair

↓

So you're still with your wife after all that shit with Dee?

wife

↓

Yeah, well, I realized I was a sex addict.

addict realized

↓

I went to therapy. She forgave me for it.

forgave therapy

↓

Oh, you're a sex addict, huh?

addict

↓

That's crazy to be one of those.

crazy

↓

You don't mind if I write some of this down, do you?

mind write

↓

For what?

↓

Just keeping a log of the party. We like to do that.

keeping party

↓

A funny conversation pops up, you wanna remember it.

conversation funny pops remember

↓

No problem. Speaking of parties, you guys wanna do a little…

parties problem speaking

↓

- Is that coke? - Yeah, I picked up

coke picked

↓

a couple grams on the way over.

couple grams

↓

Maybe a little bit later, we can all partake.

↓

- Hey! - But for now we're just a bunch of guys

bunch

↓

hanging out in a room. You know, dudes.

dudes hanging room

↓

Let's talk about dude stuff.

stuff

↓

I like dude stuff. Yeah. Like what?

stuff

↓

Oh, I don't know. What do guys talk about?

↓

- Condoms. - Right.

condoms

↓

I cannot stand the feel of a condom on my dick.

cannot condom dick stand

↓

Oh, my God. I hate condoms. Hate 'em, hate 'em.

condoms hate

↓

The three of us just don't use 'em.

three

↓

- How about you? - No. Me neither.

↓

No. I can't stand them.

stand

↓

That's interesting.

interesting

↓

A sex addict who doesn't like condoms.

addict condoms

↓

That's why I had a vasectomy, guys.

vasectomy

↓

You had a vasectomy?

vasectomy

↓

Yep.

↓

You just winked when you said that.

↓

Did you have a vasectomy or not?

vasectomy

↓

No.

↓

That's what I would tell the ladies so I didn't have to wear a condom.

condom ladies wear

↓

- Okay. That is incredibly shady. - No, no, no…

incredibly shady

↓

What a beautiful underhanded thing.

↓

- Yeah. - It's disgusting.

disgusting

↓

You guys wanna do a bump or what?

bump

↓

I'll have a bump.

bump

↓

I don't understand why there's not a single room

room single

↓

- in this hospital… - Well, I don't know where…

hospital

↓

…that has a working television.

television working

↓

I want it… I want that room. I want it now.

room

↓

I don't know where you think I'm gonna get it from.

↓

I don't have any.

↓

If you do not get my sister her stories

sister stories

↓

and a new room as soon as possible,

possible room

↓

then I will come down on this hospital

hospital

↓

like the hammer of Thor.

hammer thor

↓

The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors

echo thunder vengeance

↓

like the gust of a thousand winds!

thousand winds

↓

You know what? I don't have time for this.

↓

I ain't going to jail over you.

aint jail

↓

I will beat your ass and think nothing of it.

beat

↓

I'm not doing this with you today.

today

↓

I'm not! I'm not!

↓

What's the word on my stories?

stories word

↓

What are you doing? Why are you not in bed?

↓

I slipped out for a quick sandwich and a soda.

quick sandwich slipped soda

↓

- You left the hospital? - Yeah. I was kind of hungry.

hospital hungry left

↓

Mostly I was just getting bored, you know what I mean?

bored mostly

↓

Dee, get in your room. You're drive… I…

drive room

↓

It's so boring. There's nothing going on in there.

boring

↓

You get in your room.

room

↓

- Get in there. Just get in there. - Don't… Don't push me though,

push

↓

- because I'm pregnant and I don't… - Get in the bed.

pregnant

↓

- Wait a sec. What's this? - I don't know.

↓

Why is there a strange man in my room?

room strange

↓

They probably slid this man in here thinking that you were never

thinking

↓

- gonna use the room, so… - That's no good.

room

↓

I don't want there to be a strange man laying in my room who looks dead.

dead laying room strange

↓

Is he dead, Dennis?

dead dennis

↓

I'm sure he's just sleeping, Dee. Get in bed.

sleeping

↓

I'm gonna scream in his face and see if he wakes up.

face scream wakes

↓

Do not scream in the man's face.

face mans scream

↓

I'll jiggle his ankle, and that will determine

ankle determine jiggle

↓

whether he's alive or not.

alive whether

↓

Excuse me, sir. You're very cold.

cold excuse

↓

- He's very cold. - Okay. Hey, you!

cold

↓

You wake up right now if you're not dead!

dead wake

↓

- All right, damn it, Dee. Stop. - Oh, God. I think he's dead.

dead

↓

I think he's dead. He's definitely dead.

dead

↓

Why would they do that? Why would they put a dead old man

dead

↓

with paper skin in my room when I'm trying to give birth?

birth paper room skin

↓

Because you weren't using the room, Dee, and the hospital's very full.

full hospitals room using

↓

Okay, this was not part of my birth plan.

birth part plan

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This was not part of my birth plan, sir. Get the nurse.

birth nurse part plan

↓

Get the nurse and get him out of here.

nurse

↓

Getting the nurse is not gonna do any good.

nurse

↓

That woman is stubborn as shit.

stubborn woman

↓

Well, do something.

↓

- 'Cause this is upsetting me. - All right!

upsetting

↓

- It's upsetting the baby. - I hate all the responsibility

baby hate responsibility upsetting

↓

that I have… That this baby is causing me.

baby causing

↓

Yes. I will get this man out of your room.

room

↓

I will think of something awesome.

awesome

↓

Listen. So things got pretty hot and heavy with you and Dee

heavy

↓

back in the day, correct?

correct

↓

- That was over a year ago? - Yeah. She wasn't very nice to me.

↓

So, what are we looking at? No contact with Dee after you dated.

contact dated looking

↓

- What's the deal here, bud? - Well, no, she, um…

deal

↓

she contacted me for a while, usually when she was drunk.

contacted drunk usually

↓

- Drunken late-night booty calls? - Mm-hmm.

booty booty-calls calls drunken late late-night night

↓

No. She usually just yells at me,

usually yells

↓

calls me names like army jerk, camo turkey.

army calls jerk names turkey

↓

I know she's just drunk, so it's okay.

drunk

↓

Not okay. Not okay at all.

↓

You gotta stand up for yourself, man.

stand

↓

- So you haven't slept with her then? - Sometimes she tricks me.

slept sometimes tricks

↓

She tricks you? She tricks you how?

tricks

↓

To give her sex.

↓

She's a very manipulative person.

person

↓

I'm… I'm sorry.

↓

Are you guys mad at me?

↓

No, man, we're not mad… no.

↓

- I mean… You know. - Okay.

↓

- Get a grip, but… - Okay.

grip

↓

Yeah. There's a room full of dudes out there, so you might wanna…

dudes full might room room-full

↓

Yeah.

↓

…stop crying before you come back out to the party.

crying party

↓

Let's go.

↓

- Thanks, guys. - This is the guy

thanks

↓

that's defending our country?

country defending

↓

Well, he's definitely a candidate.

candidate

↓

Oh, boys. The keg has arrived.

arrived boys

↓

Hey, Frank. This power outlet is gonna explode,

explode frank outlet power

↓

and you're gonna have to deal with that, okay?

deal

↓

- Duncan, go with it, baby. - Yeah, let's go for it.

baby duncan

↓

Yo, Frank, we gonna set it off, bitch.

bitch frank

↓

What are your bridge friends doing here?

bridge friends

↓

Wait. You gotta give it the illusion of a party.

illusion party

↓

It's gotta be a guy's night, that's why.

night

↓

- Are you high on blow? - Whatever Duncan gave me.

blow duncan

↓

You don't even know what you're high on?

↓

- No. Hey! - Yo, Charlie Chuckles,

charlie chuckles

↓

- what's crackin', sunshine? - Yeah.

crackin sunshine

↓

- Hey. - L'il Kev.

↓

Hey, L'il Kev.

↓

And your beer.

beer

↓

Ah. I'll talk to you guys later.

↓

Okay. Okay.

↓

- Oh. Oh! - Oh!

↓

Party!

party

↓

from the Korean restaurant?

korean restaurant

↓

Yeah, yeah. She banged him.

banged

↓

Are you sure we're not taking this Weekend at Bernie's thing too far?

weekend

↓

Because I'm worried the sunglasses are ridiculous.

ridiculous sunglasses worried

↓

No. The sunglasses lighten the mood.

lighten mood sunglasses

↓

Make the whole thing feel like a fun, fun romp.

fun whole

↓

Without the sunglasses,

sunglasses

↓

Weekend at Bernie's would have been very dark.

dark weekend

↓

- Yeah. Strange movie. - Strange tale.

movie strange tale

↓

Hey there, Mr. Craig.

craig

↓

The waving thing's awesome, that's true.

awesome waving

↓

Yeah. It's pretty sweet, right?

sweet

↓

Okay. Now, what's our plan here?

plan

↓

Are we just gonna throw him in the trash?

throw trash

↓

I'm just gonna drop him in one of these rooms

drop rooms

↓

if I can find an empty one.

empty

↓

- and put him back in my room. - That's a good point.

point room

↓

Maybe we can stuff him in a drawer or like jam him in a closet or something.

closet drawer stuff

↓

- That'll buy us some time, right? - Mm-mmm.

thatll

↓

Makes me feel like I have to touch him.

makes touch

↓

I don't wanna touch him at all.

touch

↓

Please don't put me in the trash.

trash

↓

- Oh, my goodness. - Whoa.

goodness whoa

↓

They're trying to put me in the trash.

trash

↓

- Don't… No. - Okay. You know what?

↓

I flat out refuse to share a room with an old man

flat refuse room share

↓

who likes to pretend to be dead.

dead likes pretend

↓

- to move the patients. - Ooh!

patients

↓

- What? What? - Oh, Dennis.

dennis

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

- What? - Oh, I think I'm having this baby.

baby having

↓

- Doctor! - Oh! It doesn't feel good.

doctor

↓

This sucks. This sucks a bag of dicks.

dicks sucks

↓

- Oh, I'm sure. Oh! - Oh, man!

↓

- Help my sister. - Wait, wait, wait.

sister

↓

Don't leave me. I don't like it.

↓

Okay. No, I'm coming. I'm coming with you.

coming

↓

We got you from here. We got you. We got you.

↓

You ain't going nowhere.

aint

↓

before I knock you in there.

knock

↓

You have done enough today.

today

↓

Crazy-ass white boy steadily dressing up folk

crazy dressing folk white

↓

and talking about Thor.

thor

↓

I bet I earned this. I got you.

earned

↓

Wow. This whole thing's really setting in now.

setting whole

↓

Yeah, it's really sinking in, man.

sinking

↓

We're gonna have a baby. This is really cool.

baby cool

↓

Please don't throw me in the trash.

throw trash

↓

No one's putting you in the trash. Stop saying that.

ones putting trash

↓

Will you stop?

↓

Everybody's talking all this stuff about me?

everybodys stuff

↓

Man, I used to have

used

↓

some jean shorts like that too.

jean jean-shorts shorts

↓

I slept in them shits, man.

shits slept

↓

Eventually, I blew the crotch out of them things.

blew crotch eventually

↓

But you can't wear 'em every day

wear

↓

and expect for 'em to hold up.

expect

↓

That was some nice-ass denim too.

denim

↓

I miss them shorts.

miss shorts

↓

But you gotta take 'em off every now and then.

↓

You gotta take 'em off, son.

↓

So, I don't get it. Why are you having sex with her?

having

↓

Well, she gets drunk and calls me a cardio-jerk

calls cardio drunk jerk

↓

or a workout turkey.

turkey workout

↓

And after a while, I just kind of cave in.

cave

↓

Wow. You just… All right. I gotta try that with someone.

↓

- Thanks, Rex. - Okay. Thank you.

thanks

↓

- Enjoy the party. - Thanks, Rex.

enjoy party thanks

↓

She's just berating these guys into having sex with her.

berating having

↓

Yeah, and she is slammin' ass all over town.

slammin town

↓

She's getting way more action than us.

action

↓

She's stuck on her curse words. "Jerk" and "turkey"

curse jerk stuck turkey words

↓

are all that she's using.

using

↓

Well, clearly they're working for her,

working

↓

'cause Rex is a quality lay.

quality

↓

Yeah, Re… All right. Well, he's not fit to be a father though.

father

↓

A father? No. None of these guys are fit to be fathers.

father fathers

↓

I mean look at… They're animals.

animals

↓

Even if we do figure out who it is,

figure

↓

how are we gonna trust this baby with one of these monkeys?

baby monkeys trust

↓

No. Look at them. They're animals.

animals

↓

They got no self-control.

control self

↓

You know, it takes discipline to raise a kid, you know?

discipline raise takes

↓

You gotta set rules. You gotta set ground rules.

ground ground-rules rules

↓

Set some boundaries.

boundaries

↓

Yeah. You know, like don't have 'em doing cocaine.

cocaine

↓

- Get them off the Internet. - Yeah. Oh, the Internet's a very,

internet

↓

- very dangerous place. - Kids spend all their time

dangerous kids place spend

↓

on the Internet. "Hi. Who are you?

internet

↓

There's your penis and there's your butt."

butt penis

↓

You gotta learn from some books.

books learn

↓

You don't want 'em reading too many books.

books reading

↓

You don't want 'em to be a nerd.

nerd

↓

You don't want 'em to be a nerd.

nerd

↓

- I'm not raising a nerd, bro. - If it's a nerd,

nerd raising

↓

I'm gonna bash his head in.

bash head

↓

- Nerds get nowhere in life. - Oh, my God.

life nerds

↓

Is he a nerd? I could bash some nerds right now.

bash nerd nerds

↓

Well, right after this we should probably bash nerds.

bash nerds

↓

I gotta get it out of my system.

system

↓

Bash some nerds.

bash nerds

↓

- Absolutely. - Get bowed up.

absolutely

↓

You know what? You gotta teach him how to beat nerds up.

beat nerds teach

↓

He's gotta be beating nerds up.

beating nerds

↓

These are good ideas for raising a kid.

ideas raising

↓

We have a lot of ideas about raising a kid.

ideas raising

↓

We are men who can be great dads.

dads

↓

We have great opinions.

opinions

↓

Yeah. And that's all that parenting is…

parenting

↓

Pretending you know what you're talking about

pretending

↓

and then jamming it down a kid's throat.

jamming kids throat

↓

Oh, my God. That's what we're gonna do.

↓

When I see that baby, dude, we're gonna run towards it.

baby

↓

I'm gonna grab it. I'm gonna pick him up.

grab pick

↓

And jam shit down his throat!

throat

↓

- Dude. - Dude, we're gonna be the dad.

↓

We're so much better dads than these guys.

dads

↓

Yeah, look at this.

↓

- Yeah! Yeah! - Yeah! Yeah!

↓

I can't wait to tell him. I can't wait… This is so exciting.

exciting

↓

There he is. Hey, Dennis, Dennis. We have news.

dennis dennis-dennis news

↓

We have wonderful news.

news

↓

Charlie and I have decided that we are going to be

charlie decided

↓

the father of this child.

child father

↓

Dude, we did a complete 180.

complete

↓

You know what? You guys, I did a 180 too. I totally did.

↓

I was all pissy this morning about having to be at the hospital.

having hospital morning pissy

↓

And then I was thinking about it, I realized I've been firing

firing realized thinking

↓

on all cylinders because of this baby thing.

baby cylinders

↓

Dude, I did this Weekend at Bernie's operation earlier

operation weekend

↓

that would have blown you guys' minds…

blown minds

↓

It was very effective.

effective

↓

And then I busted out this sweet Thor line on this lady

busted lady line sweet thor

↓

because she was pissing me off.

pissing

↓

It was, like, boom! I really hit her with it.

boom

↓

And I never reference the Nordic gods.

gods reference

↓

What are you saying though, because I don't understand what your point is.

point

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

I'm saying I wanna be the dad too. I'm totally into it.

↓

- Okay. - That steps on our thing a little bit…

steps

↓

- 'Cause we were doing the… - Maybe instead of doing

↓

a My Two Dads type thing,

dads type

↓

we could fold in another dad

another fold

↓

and do a Three Men and a Baby type situation.

baby situation three type type-situation

↓

Three Men and a Baby… That's what it is. I like that.

baby three

↓

An equally effective movie, right?

effective equally movie

↓

- A great movie. - Did we miss it?

miss movie

↓

Did we miss it?

miss

↓

No. It was… What's going on? Who are all these people?

↓

I couldn't decide who the dad was,

decide

↓

so I brought everybody.

brought everybody

↓

You didn't try and decide who the dad was.

decide

↓

You just got high.

↓

Well, the interrogation did turn into a coke party.

coke interrogation party

↓

But they all promised to have blood tests.

blood blood-tests promised tests

↓

If this kid is mine, I'm gonna blow my brains out.

blow brains

↓

Oh, he got zooted, man. He took an eight-ball to the dome.

ball dome eight eight-ball

↓

No, no, Frank. Dude, get these guys out of here, all right?

frank

↓

We're gonna be the father of the baby now. We don't need them.

baby father

↓

We're gonna be the fathers. It has been decided, so sayeth Thor.

decided fathers thor

↓

- Thor said it. - The who?

thor

↓

- Thor. - Who Thor?

thor

↓

Is that your Greek god reference?

greek reference

↓

- He's a Nordic god. - Nordic god.

↓

No. I said something else earlier that sounded a lot cooler than that.

cooler sounded

↓

That one didn't really work.

↓

Guys. Guys, here she comes. She's coming.

comes coming

↓

How do we make it a big moment?

moment

↓

I wanna make it a big moment, you know.

moment

↓

With music. Duncan, play something special.

duncan music special

↓

Come on, Frank, I got the perfect thing.

frank perfect

↓

Okay, great.

↓

- Why do they have the… - I don't know.

↓

Pray God you can cope

cope pray

↓

I'll stand outside

stand

↓

This woman's work

womans

↓

This woman's world

womans world

↓

Ooh, it's hard on the man

hard

↓

Now his part is over

part

↓

Now starts the craft

craft starts

↓

Of the father

father

↓

I know you have a little life in you yet

life

↓

I know you have a lot

↓

Carmen? What are you doing here?

carmen

↓

- I'm here to get my baby. - What?

baby

↓

Oh, yeah. The tranny's the dad.

↓

Yeah!

↓

- You had sex with the tranny? - No. I was their surrogate.

surrogate tranny

↓

We used her sperm and a donor egg,

donor sperm used

↓

and then they just kind of right up there and…

↓

We had a difficult time finding a surrogate,

difficult finding surrogate

↓

but Dee here was a miracle to us.

miracle

↓

See, I can't have kids of my own, and Carmen always wanted a baby.

baby carmen kids wanted

↓

Yeah. Great, great. Miracle for you. How wonderful.

miracle

↓

Dee, you tricked us?

tricked

↓

- How did I trick you? - We were getting all pumped up

pumped trick

↓

about being this baby's dad.

babys

↓

We were all keyed up for nothing.

↓

If we knew you were doing this stupid surrogate thing again,

stupid surrogate

↓

we would have just completely ignored your pregnancy.

completely ignored pregnancy

↓

You did ignore my pregnancy.

ignore pregnancy

↓

This has been a huge disappointment for us.

disappointment huge

↓

Why?

↓

We were gonna be great dads.

dads

↓

We were gonna impose our will on the kid.

↓

We had a Three Men and a Baby thing going on. It was going to be great.

baby three

↓

- Oh, okay, I'm sorry. - I have to admit,

admit

↓

this whole thing might be for the best.

best might whole

↓

Those two are gonna make great parents, much better parents than any of us would.

parents

↓

- Don't you think? - Yeah. I guess.

↓

You know, a baby would've screwed up our chemistry.

baby chemistry screwed wouldve

↓

It might've. Yeah.

mightve

↓

We got a good thing going. Why blow it with a baby?

baby blow

↓

That being said, don't get knocked up anymore, Dee.

anymore knocked

↓

- It's getting old. - Oh, yeah. No, no. no.

↓

I didn't enjoy any of it.

enjoy

↓

So, what I'm confused on is…

confused

↓

the mother is the father and the father is black…

black father mother

↓

- and the baby's not black, so… - It's all been explained.

babys black explained

↓

- Yeah. - I'll talk you through it later.

↓

All right. Then what is your deal? Do we pop you back in there?

deal

↓

Are you done having babies? What's going on?

babies having

↓

Can you take me to go get a beer?

beer

↓

- I need a beer. - I could go for a beer.

beer

↓

You guys wanna go back to the bar?

↓

- Yeah! - Hey, you guys.

↓

Let's bring the party back to the bar.

bring party

↓

Bring the music. Let's go.

bring music

↓

What the hell's happening back there?

hells

↓

A few buddies came along.

along buddies

↓

- Don't worry about it, Dee. - Let's party in the sewer.

party sewer worry

↓

- Oh, yeah. - I'm not going into a sewer.

sewer

↓

What is your obsession with the sewer these days?

days obsession sewer

↓

- You find great stuff down there. - Like what?

stuff

↓

- Like sewage. - Ha-ha! Good one, Dee.

sewage

↓

She's back, baby. She's back.

baby

↓

Supposing it's storming and a guy loses his ring and it goes into the gutter?

gutter loses ring storming

↓

Is this the ring story again? I'm getting real tired of ring story.

real ring story tired

↓

You gotta come up with something else, Frank.

frank

↓

You can't keep using the same…

using

↓

Like, give me some crack. You know what I'm sayin', dawg?

crack dawg sayin

↓

We'll get more. We'll get more.