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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S06E13 — A Very Sunny Christmas
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Season 6, Episode 13 — A Very Sunny Christmas
How's this? This look centered?
#1
⇓
Uh, no, you gotta move ita little to the left.
#2
⇓
All right, here we go. How's that?
#3
⇓
No, your other left.
#4
⇓
Uh, my other left? I only have one left.
#5
⇓
It's just an expression. Just move it to the other direction.
#6
⇓
What would that expression be for? For someone who has two lefts?
#7
⇓
No. No. Just move it the other way. Move it the other way.
#8
⇓
Towards your left.
#9
⇓
Your left and my left are the same
#10
⇓
'cause we're facing the same direction.
#11
⇓
We're two different people. We can't have the same left.
#12
⇓
It doesn't make sense.
#13
⇓
Here we go again.
#14
⇓
- Hey-yo! - Yo!
#15
⇓
Ow. Well, all right.
#16
⇓
Hey, go in the back. We got some more Christmas lights.
#17
⇓
- We need some help. - No, we're not helping you.
#18
⇓
Come on. It's almost Christmas.
#19
⇓
Get into the spirit. Let's put some decorations up.
#20
⇓
Whoa. What in the hell is that?
#21
⇓
Yeah. You like that? That's an industrial-sized snow blower
#22
⇓
we got from some dude on the Internet from the Poconos.
#23
⇓
You know how it never snows on Christmas.
#24
⇓
We got a backup plan this year.
#25
⇓
We're gonna have a white Christmas out in front of the bar.
#26
⇓
We're gonna make the snow ourselves.
#27
⇓
If you guys love Christmas so much,
#28
⇓
why do you always wait until the last possible minute
#29
⇓
to put up the Christmas decorations?
#30
⇓
It is the day before Christmas.
#31
⇓
- That's our tradition. - Yeah, that's what we do.
#32
⇓
We drink a lot of eggnog, we pass out.
#33
⇓
And then we don't put anything up, so we do it all last minute.
#34
⇓
Yeah. Then we wake up Christmas morning and throw rocks at trains.
#35
⇓
Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?
#36
⇓
Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's…
#37
⇓
It's awesome. It's what you do on Christmas morning.
#38
⇓
We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever.
#39
⇓
I'm sorry that we love Christmas
#40
⇓
and we have awesome traditions and you guys hate Christmas.
#41
⇓
Well, they hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts,
#42
⇓
and Frank always gave them shitty presents.
#43
⇓
Oh.
#44
⇓
You think we don't like Christmas 'cause Frank got us shitty presents?
#45
⇓
Is that really what you think?
#46
⇓
No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents.
#47
⇓
Frank bought the most awesome presents in the entire world.
#48
⇓
As a matter of fact, he would find out
#49
⇓
whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year
#50
⇓
and he would buy 'em for himself
#51
⇓
- instead of buying 'em for us. - Yeah.
#52
⇓
- Really? - Yeah.
#53
⇓
That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys
#54
⇓
when you got to the bar 'cause he was trying to do something
#55
⇓
about making your Christmas better.
#56
⇓
Yo, uh, Frank, the eagles landed. They're here.
#57
⇓
So, uh, over and out. Go ahead.
#58
⇓
Tell 'em to go outside.
#59
⇓
No. Frank, whatever Christmas presents you bought for yourself,
#60
⇓
you can bring 'em in the bar and ruin 'em in front of us in here.
#61
⇓
No can do.
#62
⇓
It's too big. And, Dennis,
#63
⇓
you're really gonna wanna see this.
#64
⇓
It's your dream gift.
#65
⇓
My dream gift? What does he…
#66
⇓
Nah. Oh. No…
#67
⇓
Oh, God, no.
#68
⇓
God damn it!
#69
⇓
Merry Christmas, bitches!
#70
⇓
Deandra.
#71
⇓
Look at this.
#72
⇓
A nice Sergio Giorgini bag.
#73
⇓
- You wantee? - I don't want it.
#74
⇓
Fake out! It's mine.
#75
⇓
And I use it to keep in my cheesy loops
#76
⇓
and chocolate-covered malted milk balls.
#77
⇓
What is your problem, Frank? Why do you do this to us every year?
#78
⇓
I do it to you every year, Deandre,
#79
⇓
because you and your brother
#80
⇓
never learn the lesson that I try to impart at Christmas time.
#81
⇓
- Oh, my God. - And that is,
#82
⇓
you have to earn what you get.
#83
⇓
This principle made me a multimillionaire.
#84
⇓
No. No, stealing millions of dollars from your ex-business partner
#85
⇓
is what made you a millionaire, Frank.
#86
⇓
Ah, Eugene Hamilton was a great man.
#87
⇓
Do not speak ill of the dead.
#88
⇓
- She's speaking ill of you! - Oh, whatever.
#89
⇓
I'm going to burn up the rubber with my Lamborghini.
#90
⇓
Oh, I got my nice Sergio Giorgini bag.
#91
⇓
Damn son of a bitch!
#92
⇓
How could he do this to… He's gone too far this year.
#93
⇓
Okay, he's not even our dad anymore and he's still doing this.
#94
⇓
I can't take it anymore.
#95
⇓
Who puts cheesy snacks and chocolate in a designer bag?
#96
⇓
Oh, Dennis, he's gonna ruin the lining.
#97
⇓
Okay, well, I'm not even gonna begin to compare
#98
⇓
a $250,000 Italian sports car
#99
⇓
to a handbag, but I get your point.
#100
⇓
This has got to stop.
#101
⇓
However, the good news is I think there's a big opportunity in this.
#102
⇓
What kind of opportunity?
#103
⇓
Well, Frank seems to think that his old business partner's dead.
#104
⇓
- He's not dead? - Nope.
#105
⇓
And that gives me a very interesting idea.
#106
⇓
So, you wanna talk to me about Frank Reynolds.
#107
⇓
Yes, we do. See, Mr. Hamilton,
#108
⇓
we heard about how Frank dicked you all up and down,
#109
⇓
and we thought we'd give you a chance
#110
⇓
- to get some payback. - Mmm-hmm.
#111
⇓
We thought you might wanna help us because, you see,
#112
⇓
Frank thinks you're dead.
#113
⇓
Well, I have forgiven Frank.
#114
⇓
- What? - Frank?
#115
⇓
You see, some years ago, I had a near-death experience,
#116
⇓
and I… I saw the light,
#117
⇓
and I saw the truth
#118
⇓
of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
#119
⇓
Oh. Uh-oh.
#120
⇓
So, I have forgiven everyone whoever did me any harm.
#121
⇓
Okay, well, uh, that's cool, because you could probably still help us.
#122
⇓
Frank has not found the Lord yet.
#123
⇓
No. Frank's gotten nowhere near the Lord.
#124
⇓
Yeah, and so, in the spirit of the Lord
#125
⇓
- and Christmas… - And God.
#126
⇓
And, uh, all that, we wanna do a Christmas Carol type thing
#127
⇓
where we show him the error of his ways
#128
⇓
through his past, his present and his future.
#129
⇓
See, Mr. Hamilton, we feel like if Frank can just understand
#130
⇓
what a dick he's been to people in his past
#131
⇓
and how he's just gonna probably end up old and alone like yourself,
#132
⇓
then maybe he'll be able to make up for some of his past mistakes.
#133
⇓
When can I talk to Frank about his salvation?
#134
⇓
At the end.
#135
⇓
- You can do it at the very, very end. - The very end.
#136
⇓
- The very, very end. Yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.
#137
⇓
But in the meantime, we need you to be our ghost.
#138
⇓
Just being in your childhood room is giving me the Christmas spirit, bro.
#139
⇓
Yeah, dude. It's awesome, huh?
#140
⇓
It's pretty cool that your mom kept all your stuff, man.
#141
⇓
Yeah, dude. I'm telling you, I think I got an Omnibot around here somewhere.
#142
⇓
- You remember Omnibot? - Totally. Those were amazing.
#143
⇓
Oh, my God. So cool. Oh, check this out, dude.
#144
⇓
- Look at that. Karate trophy. - Why do you have a karate trophy?
#145
⇓
- I found that in the street one time. - Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.
#146
⇓
And… Oh! Captain Caveman!
#147
⇓
Hey, remember when we would shave the neighborhood dogs
#148
⇓
and glue the fur to our faces and pretend we were him?
#149
⇓
Absolutely! And then we would bash away at 'em,
#150
⇓
and we'd bash the dogs to pieces.
#151
⇓
Yeah! Boom! 'Member that?
#152
⇓
- Simon? - Simon.
#153
⇓
Dude, this game was my favorite. Do you remember how challenging this was?
#154
⇓
Yeah. But, Charlie, don't get lost in that, okay?
#155
⇓
I got the first one, bro.
#156
⇓
Uh-oh. Ooh.
#157
⇓
Ooh! It just threw me a curveball here. Did you catch that?
#158
⇓
Uh, it went…
#159
⇓
I know, but I don't know what order.
#160
⇓
- Which one was… - Which one lit up?
#161
⇓
The yellow and the blue both lit up.
#162
⇓
Well, then press yellow and blue.
#163
⇓
I don't remember which order it happened.
#164
⇓
- Oh. Okay. - Yeah.
#165
⇓
You got it. You got lucky, though.
#166
⇓
Okay, now three happened, and I have no idea which three.
#167
⇓
Hey-yo!
#168
⇓
- Omnibot, the freaking robot from the… - Omnibot
#169
⇓
Dude, we're gonna put a Santa hat on him.
#170
⇓
He's gonna serve us drinks and break dance.
#171
⇓
- That is awesome, dude! - Yeah, it's awesome.
#172
⇓
Now what was he holding here? Is this his, like, instructional video?
#173
⇓
"Christmas day, 1985." Oh, shit!
#174
⇓
This is a home movie my dad made of Christmas.
#175
⇓
- Really? - Oh, yeah. Every Christmas morning,
#176
⇓
he would videotape me opening up my presents.
#177
⇓
- Toss that shit in, man. - Yeah, man.
#178
⇓
Look, son, a video camera. Hmm?
#179
⇓
Oh, this is something.
#180
⇓
Can I open mine now?
#181
⇓
No, no, no. Keep your voice down.
#182
⇓
Let your mother open hers first, okay?
#183
⇓
- Here we go. Here we go. - Mom.
#184
⇓
- Let's see. - Let's go, Mom.
#185
⇓
- Let's not wait. - Hon, wow!
#186
⇓
Cashmere! Beautiful!
#187
⇓
Mmm.
#188
⇓
- That's gonna look good on you, baby. - Oh, yeah!
#189
⇓
- Now can I go? - Uh, not yet, son.
#190
⇓
- Let's see what Daddy got. Hmm? - Oh.
#191
⇓
I think I know what it is.
#192
⇓
Would you look at this?
#193
⇓
A brand-new stereo.
#194
⇓
Oh! Look at that!
#195
⇓
That's gonna be perfect for the living room.
#196
⇓
God damn it! Can I goddamn go?
#197
⇓
- This is taking forever! - Oh, okay.
#198
⇓
Fine, fine, fine, fine. You go. You go. Yeah.
#199
⇓
- Okay. Let's see. - It's your turn. Let's see what you got.
#200
⇓
A Cabbage Patch Doll!
#201
⇓
Yeah, you should…
#202
⇓
- You don't have to keep yelling like that. - Who's down there?
#203
⇓
- Oh, my God! - Okay. Time to go. Time to go.
#204
⇓
Hey, move it along. Yeah, son, get your…
#205
⇓
There we go. Open the door.
#206
⇓
Get the stereo. Honey, get the stereo.
#207
⇓
That was awesome. My dad looks really young, doesn't he?
#208
⇓
Dude, what was… What was that? What happened right there?
#209
⇓
Huh? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?
#210
⇓
That was probably the next family coming in to get their presents.
#211
⇓
What are you… What are you talking about?
#212
⇓
What was happening there?
#213
⇓
That was the Christmas tradition
#214
⇓
where you go from house to house collecting your presents
#215
⇓
and then when the next family comes, you would run.
#216
⇓
I'm not aware of this tradition, Mac.
#217
⇓
In fact, I think that you were just stealing from that home.
#218
⇓
Oh, no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine.
#219
⇓
Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents
#220
⇓
at my house when I got back.
#221
⇓
The neighbors took them. It's a South Philly tradition, Charlie.
#222
⇓
No. Mmm-mmm. That makes no…
#223
⇓
People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.
#224
⇓
You're telling me that Christmas morning,
#225
⇓
you would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?
#226
⇓
No! No one does that!
#227
⇓
Well, my dad told me that that was the tradition.
#228
⇓
And your dad is like a thief and a murderer who eats people,
#229
⇓
so he's not really trustworthy.
#230
⇓
This is really
#231
⇓
- dicking with my Christmas spirit. - Okay, whoa, bro.
#232
⇓
I tell you what. I got a plan. Let's go to my house, you know.
#233
⇓
You'll see how my mom does it.
#234
⇓
We'll get you right back in the Christmas mood.
#235
⇓
- All right? - Okay, all right. Okay.
#236
⇓
You think… You think these chains are really necessary?
#237
⇓
Yeah, they're necessary! It's part of the whole thing.
#238
⇓
Yeah, it's part of the look. This is how it's gonna work.
#239
⇓
I'm gonna pump this smoke under the door,
#240
⇓
and then you blast in there and give Frank a good scare.
#241
⇓
Yeah, and remember, he's really gonna believe you're a ghost,
#242
⇓
so he's gonna listen to anything you say.
#243
⇓
Definitely. Definitely.
#244
⇓
You sit him down, you make him watch the videotape.
#245
⇓
And that's what's gonna prove how horrible he's been to us all these years.
#246
⇓
All right, when you're doing the ghost thing,
#247
⇓
you really gotta sell it.
#248
⇓
- You know what I mean? - Make it sound real, like a ghost would.
#249
⇓
- Yeah, do it up. Do it up. - Okay.
#250
⇓
Frank!
#251
⇓
Frank!
#252
⇓
Frank!
#253
⇓
Put some vibrato into it.
#254
⇓
Frank!
#255
⇓
- Fire! Fire! Fire! We're gonna die! - Frank!
#256
⇓
We're all gonna die! We're gonna suffocate!
#257
⇓
I gotta get out of here!
#258
⇓
- Frank! - Get out! We're gonna die!
#259
⇓
Calm down, Frank. Calm down. There's no fire.
#260
⇓
- Eugene? - Yes.
#261
⇓
- A ghost! Ghost! - No! No, no, no.
#262
⇓
- Ghost, ghost! Get out! - No!
#263
⇓
No, Frank!
#264
⇓
Stop! Stop.
#265
⇓
Deandra! Deandra!
#266
⇓
Stop it, Frank, you're supposed to listen to the ghost.
#267
⇓
No, he's dead!
#268
⇓
Calm down, Frank. Go sit on the couch and keep your mouth shut, okay?
#269
⇓
Just sit and listen. Thank you.
#270
⇓
Now, yes, you're right. Your old business partner is not dead.
#271
⇓
But, Mr. Hamilton, do you have something that you would like to say to Frank?
#272
⇓
I do. Are you familiar with the forgiving nature
#273
⇓
- of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? - Ooh, ooh, no. Eugene.
#274
⇓
At the end. Okay? For the love of God, at the end.
#275
⇓
Okay? This is the beginning.
#276
⇓
Okay, but if you're gonna bring God into it,
#277
⇓
can you do like the Old Testament and the covenant,
#278
⇓
and keeping your eyes closed or your face will melt,
#279
⇓
and the coins and the fear and the Indiana Jones…
#280
⇓
You know what? Just sit on the couch. We'll take it from here. Okay?
#281
⇓
- Thank you. - Good job, buddy. Good job. Okay. Um…
#282
⇓
- Bust out the video. Let's do the video. - The tape now, right?
#283
⇓
What the hell is this?
#284
⇓
Welcome to your Christmas past, Frank.
#285
⇓
Oh, is this gonna take long?
#286
⇓
Because it's cutting into my Countach time.
#287
⇓
I was gonna go out and make some modifications to the car.
#288
⇓
- Modifications on the… - Yeah.
#289
⇓
No, no, no, no, no. You do not make modifications on a Countach.
#290
⇓
That car is perfect.
#291
⇓
Yeah, but I can't reach the door when it goes up.
#292
⇓
I was gonna put a wire rig and then drop the bag.
#293
⇓
You are gonna ruin that car, Frank!
#294
⇓
- You're gonna ruin it! - Okay. Okay.
#295
⇓
We're gonna take you on a journey, like the Christmas Carol,
#296
⇓
and you're gonna be a better person
#297
⇓
and your life will be enriched and fulfilled,
#298
⇓
and just watch the TV.
#299
⇓
Okay, Dennis, Deandra, come and get your presents.
#300
⇓
- Yes! Yes, presents! - Presents! Presents!
#301
⇓
- Christmas, 1986. - Mmm-hmm.
#302
⇓
This is where you destroyed Christmas for us forever.
#303
⇓
Oh, no, no, no.
#304
⇓
Open the biggest one first. That's the one.
#305
⇓
Look at that. Yeah. That's for both of you.
#306
⇓
Tear it apart. Go on. What's in there?
#307
⇓
There's nothing in there.
#308
⇓
Fake out! There's nothing in any of 'em!
#309
⇓
The fake out was the best, right? Right, Eugene?
#312
⇓
No! No. Eugene, will you please tell him
#313
⇓
what a terrible person he's been for always doing this to us, please?
#314
⇓
What are you talking about?
#315
⇓
Eugene was the guy who taught me the fake out.
#316
⇓
He's right. But I have changed, my good friend.
#317
⇓
- Yeah, see? He's changed. - Yeah, that's the point.
#318
⇓
That's the point. He changed. And so now it's time for you to change.
#319
⇓
Yeah.
#320
⇓
They're right. Are you ready to find the loving arms of God?
#321
⇓
- God! - Where is your anger?
#322
⇓
This is time to get your vengeance, guy.
#323
⇓
- Let's all go to church. - No!
#324
⇓
No! Church?
#325
⇓
- Let's move on to Christmas present. - Yeah. This is…
#326
⇓
Let's just continue the journey. All right. Grab your jacket.
#327
⇓
- Eugene, up, up, up, up, up. - All right.
#328
⇓
- Come on. - Come on, Eugene. Let's go with them.
#329
⇓
- All right! - Wow!
#330
⇓
Yeah, man! See, this is Christmas, right?
#331
⇓
- Yeah, your mom's really into this, huh? - She loves it. Hey, Ma!
#332
⇓
- Oh! Oh, you! - Hey!
#333
⇓
- Hey! - merry Christmas!
#334
⇓
- Oh, Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas!
#336
⇓
Oh, you brought the vodka.
#337
⇓
Glug, glug, glug, glug Christmas time! Christmas time!
#338
⇓
Drinkin' on Christmas
#339
⇓
Thank you. Well, listen, you guys. Make yourselves at home.
#340
⇓
I'll be in the kitchen making gingerbread men
#341
⇓
for my gingerbread boys.
#342
⇓
- Yeah! Gingerbread men! - All right, man.
#343
⇓
- See, dude? Now, this is Christmas, man! - I feel it. I'm back.
#344
⇓
Mac is back. You got good tunes, good food on the way.
#345
⇓
My mom and I would be excited about the Santas coming over.
#346
⇓
- Yeah. Yeah. - This is Christmas, bro!
#347
⇓
The… The what?
#348
⇓
The Santas that come over on Christmas morning to cheer my mom up.
#349
⇓
- The Santas, plural? - Yeah.
#350
⇓
- What the hell you talking about? - Oh, dude.
#351
⇓
This was, like, the best tradition ever, man.
#352
⇓
Every Christmas morning,
#353
⇓
I would run to the door and I'd open it, and I'd find the first Santa Claus.
#354
⇓
Now, the Santa Claus would come in,
#355
⇓
and he'd give me a present, you know, or somethin'.
#356
⇓
And then he'd go in the room with my mom, and cheer her up for a while.
#357
⇓
and the next Santa Claus would come.
#359
⇓
And he'd give me a present or something or other,
#360
⇓
and he'd go cheer my mom up for a while.
#361
⇓
I didn't always understand the presents,
#362
⇓
but I always found a way to have fun with them.
#363
⇓
- Wait… - Dude. One year,
#364
⇓
Santa even brought one of his elves.
#365
⇓
It's like a goddamn sauna up there.
#366
⇓
I think it was an elf.
#367
⇓
You know what, the memory's kind of blurry for some reason.
#368
⇓
Merry Christmas.
#369
⇓
Santa Claus is comin'
#371
⇓
He's comin' to town
#372
⇓
Ah. Charlie… I…
#373
⇓
I hate to break this to you, man, but…
#374
⇓
But based on the story that you just told me,
#375
⇓
I think your mother was a prostitute.
#376
⇓
- What? - Yeah.
#377
⇓
Come on, man!
#378
⇓
I'm just saying, based on that story that you just told me,
#379
⇓
I'm fairly certain that those Santas
#380
⇓
were running a train on your mom for money.
#381
⇓
No, dude. They would just give my mom money and go in the…
#382
⇓
Yeah.
#383
⇓
- Let that settle in. - No, no.
#385
⇓
Yes.
#386
⇓
- No. - Yes.
#387
⇓
- No. - Yes.
#388
⇓
- No. - Yes.
#389
⇓
- No! No! - Okay, but, no. Just relax.
#390
⇓
- Are you okay? - Ma!
#391
⇓
- Merry Christmas, Mrs. Kelly! - No! No!
#393
⇓
- No! No! - Relax, dude. Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
#394
⇓
Okay, here we go.
#395
⇓
- Come on in, guys. - What?
#396
⇓
Why would you take me to my old real estate office?
#397
⇓
Well, because, Frank, tonight's the annual Christmas party.
#398
⇓
We want to show you how much your ex-employees despise you.
#399
⇓
But I haven't worked here in years.
#400
⇓
I mean, why is this a Christmas present to me?
#401
⇓
Uh, all right, Frank. Here's the plan.
#403
⇓
We're gonna hide you somewhere in the office,
#404
⇓
so you can hear people talking shit about you, all right?
#405
⇓
Oh, that's cool. Oh, I see where you're going with this now.
#406
⇓
Sew me into the couch.
#407
⇓
Sew you into the couch? What are you saying?
#408
⇓
Yeah. That's what I do at home all the time, hide in the couch.
#409
⇓
It's a great hiding place.
#410
⇓
"Pounding off"? Where do you get these terms, Frank?
#412
⇓
Why do you wanna catch Charlie masturbating?
#413
⇓
No, I don't care!
#414
⇓
Okay, fine. We'll sew you
#417
⇓
- into a couch, Frank. - Okay, right.
#418
⇓
Just rip off the back, take out the stuffing,
#419
⇓
put me inside and sew it up.
#420
⇓
Excuse me, folks. Hey, happy holidays, huh?
#422
⇓
- There we go. How we doing over here? - Uh, not well.
#423
⇓
This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.
#424
⇓
Of course they're starting to notice.
#425
⇓
There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sakes.
#426
⇓
They're gonna notice.
#427
⇓
Let's just talk to some people.
#428
⇓
- Hey, you two. - Hey!
#430
⇓
- Hey, you two. - Hey.
#431
⇓
How we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?
#432
⇓
- Yes. - It's all right.
#433
⇓
Great. Great.
#434
⇓
So, uh, Frank Reynolds.
#435
⇓
Oh, yeah, we were just talking about him.
#436
⇓
- He's the worst, huh? - Right.
#437
⇓
Do you… Do you work here?
#438
⇓
- Yeah, of course. Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.
#439
⇓
- Well, we pop around. - We pop around here.
#440
⇓
- We're "consultationists." - For this.
#441
⇓
So we consult here. We consult across the street too.
#442
⇓
The whole… Across the whole street.
#443
⇓
Is there a man in that couch?
#444
⇓
What are you saying? A man in a couch?
#445
⇓
- Hello! - That's absurd.
#446
⇓
I believe there's a man in that couch right there.
#447
⇓
There is no man. There's no man!
#448
⇓
Say some things about Frank Reynolds.
#449
⇓
Say 'em loud, and make sure they're horrible, horrible things,
#450
⇓
and then we'll deal with the man in the couch.
#451
⇓
Okay, so there is a man in the couch.
#452
⇓
All right, just call Frank Reynolds an asshole!
#453
⇓
Who is Frank Reynolds?
#454
⇓
He's the man in the couch!
#455
⇓
Will you just say something about Frank that's horrible!
#457
⇓
Call him an asshole!
#458
⇓
- Frank Reynolds is an asshole! - Oh, thank you!
#459
⇓
Oh, great. Now you've…
#460
⇓
Oh, Jesus Christ!
#461
⇓
Oh, no. Oh, no!
#462
⇓
What is happening?
#463
⇓
Can't breathe!
#464
⇓
- Too hot! - Why are you naked, Frank?
#465
⇓
It's too hot in the couch.
#466
⇓
Okay, but did you hear? She called you an asshole.
#467
⇓
- She called you an asshole, Frank. - Didn't hear!
#468
⇓
No air! No air!
#469
⇓
- Dude, you are amazingly calm right now. - Yeah.
#471
⇓
Are you sure you're not gonna suddenly flip out and massacre me?
#472
⇓
No. Well, I'm doing two things.
#473
⇓
One, I buried it down deep, and two,
#474
⇓
I'm deciding I might not believe that that actually happened.
#475
⇓
I could be remembering Christmas wrong. You know what I mean?
#476
⇓
Now, are you sure this is one of the houses you robbed?
#477
⇓
Yeah, dude. This is Ricky Falcone's house.
#478
⇓
I distinctly remember getting the Omnibot here.
#479
⇓
- Wow. - I always thanked Ricky in school, too.
#480
⇓
He never had any idea what I was talking about.
#481
⇓
No, he wouldn't know.
#482
⇓
Hey, buddy.
#484
⇓
How you doin', man? Good to see you.
#485
⇓
Can I help you?
#486
⇓
Uh, well, why don't we have our friend do the talking?
#487
⇓
Hello, Ricky.
#488
⇓
When you were a little boy, I was stolen from you
#489
⇓
on Christmas Day.
#490
⇓
It was a big misunderstanding.
#491
⇓
I miss you. I love you.
#492
⇓
I'm sorry.
#493
⇓
So, you stole this from me, and now you're coming back
#494
⇓
20 years later to return it to me?
#495
⇓
- Ooh. Return? No. - Return it? No.
#496
⇓
- No, not exactly. - Yeah.
#497
⇓
We didn't think you'd want the robot back,
#498
⇓
seeing how as you're an adult and everything now.
#499
⇓
You are a grown man.
#500
⇓
It was more about the apology, yeah.
#501
⇓
- The apology, so… - We're keeping the robot.
#502
⇓
All right. Let me get this straight.
#503
⇓
You two assholes are coming over here
#504
⇓
to show me something that you stole from me,
#505
⇓
but you're not giving it back?
#506
⇓
Well, at this point, I believe the robot's falling under
#507
⇓
- the finders-keepers law of America. - Yeah.
#508
⇓
Technically, I am the one that stole it.
#511
⇓
It was his family's tradition, going around stealing…
#512
⇓
I feel like we're just getting off topic here.
#513
⇓
Ricky, obviously, you're in some kind of a rut.
#514
⇓
I can tell by your clothes, and you don't look good.
#515
⇓
I'm not in a rut.
#516
⇓
Listen, bro. Why don't you just take the apology,
#517
⇓
stop being so hard on yourself?
#518
⇓
It's about forgiveness!
#519
⇓
We're trying to get the Christmas spirit, dude!
#520
⇓
Where are we with the…
#521
⇓
- Some people can't be helped. - That didn't go as planned.
#522
⇓
I'm glad he didn't, you know, pound us.
#523
⇓
It's a Christmas spirit kind of a test,
#525
⇓
- you know? - Yeah?
#526
⇓
We're getting curveballs left and right, with my mom and your folks.
#527
⇓
We gotta rise to the occasion, dude. We gotta step up.
#528
⇓
- Okay. I got a plan. - I love it. I love it.
#529
⇓
- I got a plan. - You're good like that, man.
#530
⇓
- Let's go to the mall. - Okay.
#531
⇓
Get him the hottest-selling toy this season,
#532
⇓
give it to his kids, right?
#533
⇓
Oh, my God.
#534
⇓
and then we can get the Christmas spirit back.
#536
⇓
And maybe we'll get him new clothes, too, 'cause that dude is in a rut.
#538
⇓
All right, which way is the bus stop?
#539
⇓
Uh, well, we came this way.
#540
⇓
Yo. Mac, check this shit out right here, dude.
#541
⇓
I bought Ricky a new shirt, you know?
#542
⇓
Maybe he could wear it to, like, a job interview.
#543
⇓
It's gonna clean his look up a little bit.
#544
⇓
- Get him out of that rut. - Get him out of the rut!
#545
⇓
Maybe we should pick him up some face wash, too.
#546
⇓
Oh, my God. His skin!
#547
⇓
- Did you see that skin? - Terrible. How's it going in here?
#548
⇓
You find any good toys?
#549
⇓
Not good. No, actually. Let's ask this guy.
#550
⇓
Excuse me, sir. Hi.
#551
⇓
What is the hottest-selling toy item that you have in this store right now?
#552
⇓
Actually, the hottest-selling item right now
#553
⇓
is Redman the Robot.
#554
⇓
- Are you serious? - Redman the Robot?
#555
⇓
- That's what the kids are into? - Shit don't change!
#556
⇓
- All right, man! - Shit don't change!
#557
⇓
- We'll take one Redman the Robot, please. - We're sold out.
#558
⇓
- Uh… - You're sold out?
#559
⇓
- Mmm-hmm. - Yeah, but it's Christmas Eve, dude.
#560
⇓
You're not gonna sell out on Christmas Eve, right?
#561
⇓
There were a lot of people here today.
#562
⇓
Yeah, but it's Christmas Eve.
#563
⇓
- What kind of business model is that? - I get it. I get it.
#565
⇓
I know you got back there.
#567
⇓
Um, I'm being very serious right now. We don't have any.
#568
⇓
- If I had… - All right. So, okay. Hold on a second.
#569
⇓
and say, "Hey, get me a Redman the Robot,"
#571
⇓
you'd say, "I'm sorry. We're all out. We're sold out, Mike"?
#572
⇓
- Bro, have some respect here, man. - What are you talkin' about?
#574
⇓
I don't know who Mike Schmidt is.
#575
⇓
- You've never heard of Mike Schmidt? - All right, easy, dude.
#576
⇓
- Don't lose your cool. - 12-time all-star,
#577
⇓
three-time baseball MVP?
#578
⇓
- Maybe he doesn't know… - I don't buy it for one second, dude!
#579
⇓
Yeah, but maybe he's never heard…
#580
⇓
He's the all-time leading home run hitter.
#581
⇓
No, he's not the all-time leading home run hitter.
#582
⇓
Well, for white guys he is.
#583
⇓
He's not even for white guys.
#584
⇓
Babe Ruth's got more than him.
#585
⇓
Next you're gonna tell me you don't know who Von Hayes is
#586
⇓
or Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian.
#587
⇓
- I don't buy it, bitch! - Maybe he's not a baseball fan.
#588
⇓
- He's lying! Go get me one! - Don't lose your cool, man!
#589
⇓
He's lying, dude. He's got 'em back there.
#590
⇓
Try to keep the Christmas spirit!
#591
⇓
Dude, nobody knows who Von Hayes is! Man, relax.
#593
⇓
- Shit, dude. I'm sorry. - That's okay, man.
#594
⇓
- I lost my cool. - Well, I don't know
#595
⇓
who doesn't know who Mike Schmidt is.
#596
⇓
- Right? It's ridiculous. - That's insane.
#597
⇓
Look, let's just be calm, right?
#598
⇓
It's a Christmas test.
#599
⇓
Another Christmas test. Think of it that way.
#600
⇓
- Okay. Charlie? I got a new plan. - Just like that?
#601
⇓
- Yeah, dude. - That's so fast.
#602
⇓
- I'm firing on all cylinders. - Okay.
#603
⇓
- It's a bit of a blessing and a curse. - Let me hear it.
#604
⇓
Here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna wait till the mall closes.
#605
⇓
- Uh-huh. - We're gonna break into the store,
#606
⇓
- steal the robot, give that to Ricky. - No, no, no, dude.
#607
⇓
You're stealing on Christmas again, okay?
#608
⇓
That's not very Christmas-like.
#609
⇓
I feel like my parents really screwed me up.
#611
⇓
Yeah, but look at me, right?
#612
⇓
- I get curveballs from Mommy, you know? - Yeah.
#613
⇓
But I'm standing tall. I'm calm. I got the Christmas…
#614
⇓
You better watch out
#615
⇓
You better not cry You better not pout
#616
⇓
- I'm telling you why - Why
#617
⇓
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
#618
⇓
Santa Claus is coming to town
#619
⇓
It's good. Your mom's gonna like that.
#620
⇓
He's making a list, checking it twice
#621
⇓
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
#622
⇓
Charlie, where are you going?
#623
⇓
Charlie! What are you doing?
#624
⇓
Charlie. What are you doing?
#625
⇓
- No! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.
#626
⇓
Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.
#628
⇓
- We don't have time for this shit. - Ho-ho-ho-ho!
#629
⇓
Well, hello, and merry Christmas.
#630
⇓
Uh, is he retarded?
#633
⇓
Yeah. I got this one.
#634
⇓
So, son, what would you like for Christmas, huh?
#635
⇓
Did you fuck my mom?
#636
⇓
What?
#637
⇓
Did you fuck my mom?
#638
⇓
What do you mean? I, uh, uh…
#639
⇓
Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?
#640
⇓
- Did you fuck my mom? - No.
#641
⇓
Did you fuck her? Did you fuck my fucking mom?
#642
⇓
Did you fuck my mom, Santa?
#643
⇓
- He's biting my neck! - Charlie!
#644
⇓
Get him off! He's trying to kill me!
#645
⇓
No, no! Did you fuck my mom?
#646
⇓
- Did you fuck my mom? - You're gonna kill Santa Claus!
#647
⇓
Mommy!
#648
⇓
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, kid.
#649
⇓
Charlie, we gotta go, dude! Come on, bro!
#650
⇓
- Dude, what the fuck are you doing? - Did you fuck my mom?
#651
⇓
- Let's get out of here! - Did you fuck my mom?
#652
⇓
You think, when we leave, you could just, uh,
#655
⇓
you know, swing by my house and drop me off?
#656
⇓
No. No. We don't have time for that shit, all right?
#657
⇓
Listen, we're doing the Christmas future. We're doing it now.
#658
⇓
- What the hell is this? - You ready?
#659
⇓
That is Mom's grave, right? And this, right here?
#660
⇓
This is your eternal resting…
#661
⇓
Yo, Deandra. That… That is not my future.
#662
⇓
I'm not gonna be buried in a grave.
#663
⇓
When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.
#664
⇓
- Okay. - You know what? Just change now. Okay?
#665
⇓
- It's time for you to change, okay? - It's time for that now.
#666
⇓
We did the Christmas past. We did the old man ghost.
#667
⇓
- We did the grave thing. - Here we are.
#668
⇓
Now it's time for you to change, and give us reparations.
#669
⇓
You give us reparations, and cars, and Lamborghinis,
#670
⇓
and goddamn money!
#671
⇓
- And purses! - You son of a bitch!
#672
⇓
Aha! That's what this is all about, right?
#673
⇓
Yeah!
#674
⇓
You don't give a shit whether I change or not, do you? Huh?
#675
⇓
It's all about you… What you want.
#676
⇓
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
#677
⇓
- Oh, screw your goddamn lesson! - Yeah? I'm out of here.
#680
⇓
Who gives a shit about your lesson?
#681
⇓
Just stop ruining Christmas for us!
#682
⇓
I didn't think that I would still be involved at this point.
#683
⇓
So,
#684
⇓
why don't you just take me home?
#685
⇓
You know what, Eugene?
#686
⇓
You have been an awesome disappointment to us.
#688
⇓
You have contributed nothing to any of this, Eugene!
#689
⇓
You, yourself, have ruined Christmas!
#690
⇓
You didn't let me talk to Frank
#691
⇓
about the peace that he would find in the Lord…
#692
⇓
No, no, no, no! No!
#693
⇓
We don't want to hear about the Lord anymore!
#694
⇓
I can't stand it.
#695
⇓
I'll shove my fist right in your mouth, I'm sorry.
#696
⇓
If you think Jesus, and the Lord are so great,
#697
⇓
why don't you have them swing by in their Lamborghinis
#698
⇓
- and take your ass home! - Yeah, that's a good idea.
#699
⇓
Hey, Mac.
#700
⇓
Now, I know things weren't pretty at the mall,
#701
⇓
And check it out, we can still get some Christmas spirit,
#703
⇓
The shirt. Is this the shirt that you're referring to?
#705
⇓
- Yeah! - It's covered in blood, Charlie.
#706
⇓
- It's not gonna work, is it? - No, it's not gonna work.
#708
⇓
The only way that we're gonna get back the Christmas spirit…
#709
⇓
- Is if we get back to the basics. - You're right, man.
#710
⇓
There's just no way to get the Christmas spirit anymore, man.
#712
⇓
Take the Christmas decorations down, you guys. I am dead serious.
#713
⇓
Christmas is a bullshit holiday,
#714
⇓
and it is forever banned from Paddy's Irish Pub.
#715
⇓
Have a drink. We get it.
#717
⇓
Yeah. Christmas is just a bunch of bullshit.
#719
⇓
You just find out that your dad stole all your presents
#720
⇓
and that your mom gets fucked by a series of never-ending Santa Clauses.
#721
⇓
Charlie's mom is a prostitute, by the way.
#722
⇓
- We don't know that for sure, okay? - We know it for sure.
#723
⇓
Let's just move past it, accept it and go.
#724
⇓
- I can see that. - I definitely buy that.
#725
⇓
- I can see that. - I was thinking the same thing.
#726
⇓
What?
#728
⇓
Somebody from the hospital. Apparently, Frank was in a car accident.
#729
⇓
He's dead. They want us to come and identify his body.
#730
⇓
Oh, my God.
#731
⇓
This is heavy, man. Really heavy.
#732
⇓
I don't know that I'm ready to see his dead body.
#733
⇓
Okay, this is his room, you guys. Just brace yourselves.
#734
⇓
This could be a little rough.
#735
⇓
Yo!
#736
⇓
What the hell is this?
#737
⇓
I know you got back there.
#1020
⇓
Um, I'm being very serious right now. We don't have any.
#1021
⇓
- If I had… - All right. So, okay. Hold on a second.
#1022
⇓
You're telling me that if Mike Schmidt were to walk in here right now
#1023
⇓
and say, "Hey, get me a Redman the Robot,"
#1024
⇓
you'd say, "I'm sorry. We're all out. We're sold out, Mike"?
#1025
⇓
- Who is Mike Schmidt? - Who's Mike Schmidt?
#1026
⇓
- Bro, have some respect here, man. - What are you talkin' about?
#1027
⇓
I don't know who Mike Schmidt is.
#1028
⇓
- You've never heard of Mike Schmidt? - All right, easy, dude.
#1029
⇓
- Don't lose your cool. - 12-time all-star,
#1030
⇓
three-time baseball MVP?
#1031
⇓
- Maybe he doesn't know… - I don't buy it for one second, dude!
#1032
⇓
Yeah, but maybe he's never heard…
#1033
⇓
He's the all-time leading home run hitter.
#1034
⇓
No, he's not the all-time leading home run hitter.
#1035
⇓
Well, for white guys he is.
#1036
⇓
He's not even for white guys.
#1037
⇓
Babe Ruth's got more than him.
#1038
⇓
Next you're gonna tell me you don't know who Von Hayes is
#1039
⇓
or Steve "Bedrock" Bedrosian.
#1040
⇓
- I don't buy it, bitch! - Maybe he's not a baseball fan.
#1041
⇓
- He's lying! Go get me one! - Don't lose your cool, man!
#1042
⇓
He's lying, dude. He's got 'em back there.
#1043
⇓
Try to keep the Christmas spirit!
#1044
⇓
Von Hayes walks in here, you got one for Von Hayes?
#1045
⇓
- Shit, dude. I'm sorry. - That's okay, man.
#1047
⇓
- I lost my cool. - Well, I don't know
#1048
⇓
who doesn't know who Mike Schmidt is.
#1049
⇓
- Right? It's ridiculous. - That's insane.
#1050
⇓
Look, let's just be calm, right?
#1051
⇓
It's a Christmas test.
#1052
⇓
Another Christmas test. Think of it that way.
#1053
⇓
- Okay. Charlie? I got a new plan. - Just like that?
#1054
⇓
- Yeah, dude. - That's so fast.
#1055
⇓
- I'm firing on all cylinders. - Okay.
#1056
⇓
- It's a bit of a blessing and a curse. - Let me hear it.
#1057
⇓
- Uh-huh. - We're gonna break into the store,
#1059
⇓
- steal the robot, give that to Ricky. - No, no, no, dude.
#1060
⇓
You're stealing on Christmas again, okay?
#1061
⇓
That's not very Christmas-like.
#1062
⇓
Shit, dude. It's a vicious cycle.
#1063
⇓
I feel like my parents really screwed me up.
#1064
⇓
Yeah, but look at me, right?
#1065
⇓
- I get curveballs from Mommy, you know? - Yeah.
#1066
⇓
But I'm standing tall. I'm calm. I got the Christmas…
#1067
⇓
You better watch out
#1068
⇓
You better not cry You better not pout
#1069
⇓
- I'm telling you why - Why
#1070
⇓
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
#1071
⇓
Santa Claus is coming to town
#1072
⇓
He's making a list, checking it twice
#1074
⇓
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
#1075
⇓
Charlie, where are you going?
#1076
⇓
Charlie! What are you doing?
#1077
⇓
Charlie. What are you doing?
#1078
⇓
I'm sorry. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.
#1080
⇓
Merry Christmas. Bye-bye.
#1081
⇓
- We don't have time for this shit. - Ho-ho-ho-ho!
#1082
⇓
Well, hello, and merry Christmas.
#1083
⇓
So, where's your little one? Ooh!
#1084
⇓
Oh, you're a big boy, aren't you?
#1085
⇓
Uh, is he retarded?
#1086
⇓
Yeah. I got this one.
#1087
⇓
Did you fuck my mom?
#1089
⇓
What?
#1090
⇓
Did you fuck my mom?
#1091
⇓
What do you mean? I, uh, uh…
#1092
⇓
Did you fuck my mom, Santa Claus?
#1093
⇓
- Did you fuck my mom? - No.
#1094
⇓
Did you fuck her? Did you fuck my fucking mom?
#1095
⇓
Did you fuck my mom, Santa?
#1096
⇓
- He's biting my neck! - Charlie!
#1097
⇓
Get him off! He's trying to kill me!
#1098
⇓
No, no! Did you fuck my mom?
#1099
⇓
- Did you fuck my mom? - You're gonna kill Santa Claus!
#1100
⇓
Mommy!
#1101
⇓
Oh, shit. I'm sorry, kid.
#1102
⇓
Charlie, we gotta go, dude! Come on, bro!
#1103
⇓
- Dude, what the fuck are you doing? - Did you fuck my mom?
#1104
⇓
- Let's get out of here! - Did you fuck my mom?
#1105
⇓
Santa's been attacked!
#1107
⇓
You think, when we leave, you could just, uh,
#1108
⇓
you know, swing by my house and drop me off?
#1109
⇓
No. No. We don't have time for that shit, all right?
#1110
⇓
Listen, we're doing the Christmas future. We're doing it now.
#1111
⇓
- What the hell is this? - You ready?
#1112
⇓
That is Mom's grave, right? And this, right here?
#1113
⇓
This is your eternal resting…
#1114
⇓
Yo, Deandra. That… That is not my future.
#1115
⇓
When I'm dead, just throw me in the trash.
#1117
⇓
- Okay. - You know what? Just change now. Okay?
#1118
⇓
- It's time for you to change, okay? - It's time for that now.
#1119
⇓
We did the Christmas past. We did the old man ghost.
#1120
⇓
- We did the grave thing. - Here we are.
#1121
⇓
Now it's time for you to change, and give us reparations.
#1122
⇓
You give us reparations, and cars, and Lamborghinis,
#1123
⇓
and goddamn money!
#1124
⇓
- And purses! - You son of a bitch!
#1125
⇓
Aha! That's what this is all about, right?
#1126
⇓
Yeah!
#1127
⇓
You don't give a shit whether I change or not, do you? Huh?
#1128
⇓
It's all about you… What you want.
#1129
⇓
Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!
#1130
⇓
Well, you're never gonna learn your lesson, Dennis.
#1131
⇓
You're never gonna learn, Deandra.
#1132
⇓
- Oh, screw your goddamn lesson! - Yeah? I'm out of here.
#1133
⇓
Who gives a shit about your lesson?
#1134
⇓
Just stop ruining Christmas for us!
#1135
⇓
I didn't think that I would still be involved at this point.
#1136
⇓
So,
#1137
⇓
why don't you just take me home?
#1138
⇓
You know what, Eugene?
#1139
⇓
You are useless.
#1140
⇓
You have contributed nothing to any of this, Eugene!
#1142
⇓
You, yourself, have ruined Christmas!
#1143
⇓
You didn't let me talk to Frank
#1144
⇓
about the peace that he would find in the Lord…
#1145
⇓
No, no, no, no! No!
#1146
⇓
We don't want to hear about the Lord anymore!
#1147
⇓
I can't stand it.
#1148
⇓
I'll shove my fist right in your mouth, I'm sorry.
#1149
⇓
If you think Jesus, and the Lord are so great,
#1150
⇓
why don't you have them swing by in their Lamborghinis
#1151
⇓
- and take your ass home! - Yeah, that's a good idea.
#1152
⇓
Hey, Mac.
#1153
⇓
but we have a chance to save Christmas here, dude.
#1155
⇓
And check it out, we can still get some Christmas spirit,
#1156
⇓
if we just bring that shirt I bought over to Ricky Falcone.
#1157
⇓
The shirt. Is this the shirt that you're referring to?
#1158
⇓
- Yeah! - It's covered in blood, Charlie.
#1159
⇓
- It's not gonna work, is it? - No, it's not gonna work.
#1161
⇓
The only way that we're gonna get back the Christmas spirit…
#1162
⇓
- Is if we get back to the basics. - You're right, man.
#1163
⇓
We're gonna throw rocks at trains.
#1164
⇓
There's just no way to get the Christmas spirit anymore, man.
#1165
⇓
Take the Christmas decorations down, you guys. I am dead serious.
#1166
⇓
Christmas is a bullshit holiday,
#1167
⇓
- That's it! - All right, take it easy.
#1169
⇓
Have a drink. We get it.
#1170
⇓
Yeah. Christmas is just a bunch of bullshit.
#1172
⇓
You just find out that your dad stole all your presents
#1173
⇓
and that your mom gets fucked by a series of never-ending Santa Clauses.
#1174
⇓
- We don't know that for sure, okay? - We know it for sure.
#1176
⇓
Let's just move past it, accept it and go.
#1177
⇓
- I can see that. - I definitely buy that.
#1178
⇓
- I can see that. - I was thinking the same thing.
#1179
⇓
Hey, guys. Frank's dead.
#1180
⇓
What?
#1181
⇓
Somebody from the hospital. Apparently, Frank was in a car accident.
#1182
⇓
He's dead. They want us to come and identify his body.
#1183
⇓
Oh, my God.
#1184
⇓
This is heavy, man. Really heavy.
#1185
⇓
I don't know that I'm ready to see his dead body.
#1186
⇓
Okay, this is his room, you guys. Just brace yourselves.
#1187
⇓
This could be a little rough.
#1188
⇓
Yo!
#1189
⇓
What the hell is this?
#1190
⇓
Well, I knew you guys would never come to see me,
#1191
⇓
so I faked my own death.
#1192
⇓
Really should have seen that one coming, right?
#1193
⇓
- Yeah. - Really should have seen that coming.
#1194
⇓
So there was no car accident.
#1195
⇓
and I was thrown from the car.
#1197
⇓
And I sprained my ankle.
#1198
⇓
So you call us down here to show us that you have a sprained ankle?
#1199
⇓
No, no, no, no. I called you down here to tell you something else.
#1200
⇓
I had a vision.
#1201
⇓
I was drivin' out of the cemetery in the Countach.
#1202
⇓
I just finished my bag of cheesy loops, and malt balls.
#1203
⇓
I must have hit a patch of ice.
#1204
⇓
I start swirlin' out of control!
#1205
⇓
I was thrown from the car.
#1206
⇓
I must have hit my head on the pavement,
#1207
⇓
'cause everything went white…
#1208
⇓
And I saw this magical land.
#1209
⇓
Whoa, this is freaky!
#1210
⇓
Oh, hello there, Frank!
#1211
⇓
Hey, who said that?
#1212
⇓
Over here!
#1213
⇓
I heard you've been a grumpy-gussy Christmas grouch.
#1214
⇓
Yeah? So what?
#1215
⇓
Well, you need to get the Christmas spirit.
#1216
⇓
I don't need to listen to this shit.
#1217
⇓
Where the hell is my Countach?
#1218
⇓
I'm gettin' outta here.
#1219
⇓
Coun… Tach?
#1220
⇓
Yeah, it's a Lamborghini, shit-bird.
#1221
⇓
You ever heard of one?
#1222
⇓
What the hell was that, you little green bitch?
#1223
⇓
Christmas is a time for joy
#1224
⇓
For every girl and every boy
#1225
⇓
Rich or poor old or young
#1226
⇓
The Christmas spirit's in everyone
#1227
⇓
Fa-la-la-la
#1228
⇓
But you'll miss out on all the fun
#1229
⇓
'Cause you're not nice to anyone
#1230
⇓
A grumpy-gussy Christmas grouch
#1231
⇓
Watching his roommate pounding off
#1233
⇓
Pulling fake outs pulling pranks
#1234
⇓
Gives your friends the Christmas cranks
#1235
⇓
And this is how they will react
#1236
⇓
When they finally crack
#1237
⇓
They'll rip your arm off at the bone
#1238
⇓
Eat it like an ice cream cone
#1239
⇓
And gouge your eyes out with a spoon
#1240
⇓
Blow them up like two balloons
#1241
⇓
Keep them close so you can see
#1242
⇓
As they chain-saw off your knee
#1243
⇓
Bash your body with a board
#1244
⇓
And hang you by your spinal cord
#1245
⇓
Oh, shit.
#1246
⇓
And then they'll rip you down
#1247
⇓
So you survive
#1248
⇓
Grind your legs while you're alive
#1249
⇓
Throw you to a gator pit
#1250
⇓
Let them gnaw on you a bit
#1251
⇓
Pull you out and stab your face
#1252
⇓
Spray your wounds all full of mace
#1253
⇓
Now they're really getting brazen
#1254
⇓
When you're burned by racist singing raisins
#1255
⇓
Yeah, burn his ass off!
#1257
⇓
But it's not too late to make amends
#1258
⇓
With your family with your friends
#1259
⇓
All you really have to do is
#1260
⇓
Get the Christmas spirit
#1262
⇓
You
#1265
⇓
Good-bye, folks!
#1266
⇓
I might have added something in my brain there at the end.
#1270
⇓
I've had a very strange day.
#1271
⇓
The point is, I'm a changed man,
#1272
⇓
the absolute best Christmas you ever had.
#1274
⇓
Too bad, jerk!
#1275
⇓
The only thing your story proves is that you're a demented asshole.
#1276
⇓
Wait a second, Dee. Wait, wait, wait.
#1277
⇓
Maybe there is a lesson to be learned in all of this.
#1278
⇓
The best part of Frank's story
#1279
⇓
was how the four of us came together as a group
#1280
⇓
to mercilessly slaughter him.
#1281
⇓
You see what I'm saying?
#1282
⇓
And I think that's what Christmas is really all about.
#1283
⇓
After all, it's the four of us really sticking together.
#1284
⇓
So wait a second.
#1285
⇓
What you're saying is maybe,
#1286
⇓
we've been relying too heavily on our parents to give us a good Christmas.
#1287
⇓
If we stick together, we can give each other the Christmas spirit.
#1288
⇓
That's right, guys. I don't think it's too late
#1289
⇓
for us to give ourselves a great Christmas.
#1290
⇓
- Really? - Right, yeah.
#1291
⇓
Okay, I got something I gotta finish. Let's do it together.
#1292
⇓
- All right! - Let's have a good Christmas!
#1293
⇓
What about me?
#1294
⇓
Oh, you go fuck yourself in your fat fuckin' ass.
#1295
⇓
Hey, you know what,
#1296
⇓
do you guys think it's too late to get a Christmas tree?
#1297
⇓
- Yeah, dude, way too late. - I don't care for fir trees anyway.
#1298
⇓
- What's wrong with 'em? - I don't like the smell.
#1299
⇓
Yeah, plus they're a fire hazard. There's all that sap.
#1300
⇓
Yeah, I mean, if you're gonna get a tree,
#1301
⇓
why not get a tree that does something.
#1302
⇓
- Like an orange tree. - Yeah.
#1303
⇓
Where you gonna find an orange tree in Philadelphia?
#1304
⇓
You know, we could get a bag of oranges!
#1305
⇓
Dude, now you're thinking!
#1306
⇓
- And do what? Hang 'em in the bar? - No, bro, it'll be awesome!
#1307
⇓
We take the oranges, we give 'em to each other as gifts!
#1308
⇓
That's a terrible gift. I don't want it.
#1309
⇓
- All right, here we go. - Hmm?
#1310
⇓
O Holy Night
#1311
⇓
The stars are brightly shining
#1312
⇓
It is the night of our dear savior's birth
#1313
⇓
The hell are you guys doing?
#1314
⇓
It's 4:00 in the goddamn morning.
#1315
⇓
Long lay the world in…
#1316
⇓
Hey! Shut up!
#1317
⇓
What the hell do you want?
#1318
⇓
We want to give you some Christmas cheer.
#1319
⇓
- Oh, and a new shirt! - Yeah! I got you a shirt!
#1320
⇓
Now, I got a little blood on that, dude, but it's cool.
#1321
⇓
It's gonna wash out. You're gonna look sharp.
#1322
⇓
I don't want your stupid shirt.
#1323
⇓
Ricky, do yourself a favor. Take the shirt, get out of that rut.
#1324
⇓
Hey! Shut the hell up down there!
#1325
⇓
- Hey, you shut the hell up up there! - Hey, jerk-off!
#1326
⇓
- Don't make me come down there! - Come down! See what happens!
#1327
⇓
I'll bite you right in your neck! Okay, bitch!
#1328
⇓
Why don't you guys get the hell out of here!
#1329
⇓
We're trying to give you the Christmas spirit here, dick-hole!
#1330
⇓
I don't want it!
#1331
⇓
Nobody wants it, assholes!
#1332
⇓
- God damn it! God damn you, bitch! - You're gonna get it anyway!
#1333
⇓
Keep singin'!
#1334
⇓
Fall on your knees
#1335
⇓
Here's your blood, bitch!
#1336
⇓
O hear
#1337
⇓
The angel voices
#1338
⇓
O night divine
#1339
⇓
O night when Christ was born
#1340
⇓
Man, I knew I shouldn't have parked in front of the hydrant.
#1341
⇓
I knew it. I did it anyway.
#1342
⇓
You're gonna get towed every time.
#1343
⇓
I was gonna say something. I don't know why I didn't.
#1344
⇓
Who tows on Christmas eve?
#1345
⇓
- Christmas. - Huh?
#1346
⇓
It's been Christmas for six hours, you dumb shithead.
#1347
⇓
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