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Home » Silicon Valley » S05E04 — Tech Evangelist

Silicon Valley

Season 5, Episode 4 — Tech Evangelist

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Tech Evangelist

Air date: April 15, 2018

Director: Jamie Babbit

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew, Matt Ross

Attempting to woo a gaming company to PiperNet, Richard inadvertently angers a prized ally. Dinesh deals with a betrayal. In preparation for a big launch, Gavin leaves his underlings with a cryptic message. Jared gets inside information from Big Head.

Source: TMDB

↓

Jian-Yang, are-- are you copying

copying yang

↓

all those companies for the Chinese markets?

chinese companies markets

↓

-Oh, no. ♪

↓

RICHARD HENDRICKS: Are you suggesting that

richard suggesting

↓

someone in here is leaking info to Gavin Belson?

info leaking

↓

Tell me about these... fridges.

↓

It's a company secret.

company secret

↓

Do you want to save a fortune, or not?

fortune save

↓

Well, yes.

↓

In exchange, I need you to do something for me,

exchange

↓

with regard to the people who hacked your refrigerators.

hacked regard

↓

I'm going to destroy their lives.

destroy lives

↓

Jared, do you think it's... time we hire a COO?

hire jared

↓

You're 20-30 pounds underweight.

pounds

↓

Don't worry about him.

worry

↓

We're gonna find you a much better COO.

↓

You want the job?

↓

-All right-- Ugh. All right.

↓

Okay, everybody, um, thanks for coming.

coming everybody thanks

↓

Uh, sorry about the venue.

↓

We had a minor security issue.

issue minor security

↓

I didn't feel comfortable

comfortable

↓

hosting you guys at-- at our offices.

offices

↓

But, hey, at least out here,

least

↓

we don't run the risk

risk

↓

of running into anyone from the tech industry.

industry running tech

↓

Yeah, they're all so old.

↓

But they look so happy. Yeah.

happy

↓

Richard: It's weird.

richard weird

↓

I don't understand it either.

↓

Anyway, I wanted you guys to meet,

meet wanted

↓

because despite being a very diverse

despite diverse

↓

and talented group of young web developers--

group talented young

↓

Goodscape, huh? Social coding platform.

coding platform social

↓

Tholio, analytics firm.

analytics firm

↓

Plucky, music streaming.

music streaming

↓

FirstSight, dating site.

dating site

↓

Gay dating site.

dating site

↓

Okay, technically, you're a dating site,

dating site technically

↓

but specifically, a gay one.

specifically

↓

Which is a subset, so I'm not wrong.

↓

Anyway, uh, despite all our differences,

despite differences

↓

we all have one thing in common, right?

common

↓

A signed agreement with me

agreement signed

↓

to build and launch your websites,

build launch

↓

not on the tired, bloated, old web,

tired

↓

but on the new Internet of the future.

future internet

↓

The Pipernet.

↓

Which is why, from this day forward,

forward

↓

I'm going to be naming the eight of you...

eight naming

↓

the OctoPipers.

↓

Until something better, TBD.

↓

So when can we tell people?

↓

Soon! Actually, very soon.

↓

Uh, next Tuesday, Gavin Belson is, uh...

tuesday

↓

launching his Box Three.

three

↓

So, um, the day before,

↓

we are going to announce our partnerships with you all,

announce

↓

and beat him to the punch.

beat punch

↓

Shit. He's gonna be super pissed.

pissed super

↓

Man: He's really gonna come after us.

↓

Yeah, he is, but fuck him.

fuck

↓

Not butt fuck him.

butt fuck

↓

Just... You don't have to explain

explain

↓

that kinda stuff. I-I know what you mean.

kinda stuff

↓

Yeah, I know. Look-- look.

↓

As long as we stick together,

stick

↓

and support each other, we can crush him.

crush support

↓

Because what we are doing is amazing, okay?

amazing

↓

We are building the world's first truly open,

building open truly worlds

↓

truly free de-centralized Internet.

free internet truly

↓

And I tell you what, I got a sneak preview for you guys, okay?

sneak

↓

Because as of this morning,

morning

↓

messaging is live. What!

live messaging

↓

Cool. Yeah.

cool

↓

Really? So cool!

cool

↓

So...

↓

right now, I will send to you all

send

↓

the very first message

message

↓

ever to be sent on a de-centralized, peer-to-peer Internet.

internet peer sent

↓

Ready?

ready

↓

"Hit her."

↓

I don't get it. Are you talking about me?

↓

I meant to say "Hi there."

meant

↓

Well, it definitely says "Hit her."

↓

I'll try it again. There's a new one.

↓

There. "Hi there."

↓

"Hi there, Hitler."

hitler

↓

Goddammit.

goddammit

↓

Hey, Richard?

richard

↓

You don't have any issue with us

issue

↓

being an exclusively gay site, do you?

site

↓

What? No!

↓

No, it's-- it's totally cool.

cool

↓

Oh! Wait a minute, no, I don't mean you are anti-gay.

anti minute

↓

I mean the opposite. Like, are you worried

opposite worried

↓

that we're excluding straight people?

straight

↓

Oh. I just remember you said,

remember

↓

you want your new Internet to be open for everybody,

everybody internet open

↓

and, you know, I just want to make sure we're jibing with your vision.

vision

↓

Deedee, we are psyched to have you aboard.

aboard psyched

↓

Exclude all the straight people you want.

straight

↓

You sure? Yep.

↓

Because we're not snobs about it.

↓

I mean, between you and me,

↓

I'm dreadfully boring.

boring

↓

I might as well be straight myself.

might straight

↓

I've been with the same man for seven years.

seven seven-years years

↓

I go to church every Sunday.

church sunday

↓

Look, it-- it's all good.

↓

FirstSight is a gay dating site.

dating site

↓

And-- and I will sing it from the rooftops.

sing

↓

Alright, well, thank you, Richard.

alright richard

↓

I think this is gonna be great.

↓

Cool.

cool

↓

Yeah. Okay.

↓

Don't be weird. I didn't know what we'd be doing.

weird

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Richard: So...

richard

↓

everybody is very psyched.

everybody psyched

↓

You know who else is psyched? I'll give you a hint.

hint psyched

↓

They have four thumbs, and they are these two guys.

four thumbs

↓

I am very excited. I am giddy!

excited giddy

↓

Okay, what-- what happened?

happened

↓

We found the mole.

found mole

↓

What? Yeah.

↓

Who

↓

Good old-fashioned police work.

fashioned police

↓

I skimmed through all 40,000 of the staff's outgoing emails.

emails

↓

Yeah? And in addition to learning

addition learning

↓

that we need to revise the office dating policy,

dating office policy

↓

because it is, essentially, the Olympic Village out there,

essentially olympic village

↓

I learned that someone has been sending

learned sending

↓

a number of encrypted messages

messages number

↓

but using Gilfoyle's purloined NSA tools--

tools using

↓

I can't hold this smile forever, Jared. Get to the good stuff.

forever jared smile stuff

↓

One of our coders has been sending info

info sending

↓

straight to Hooli High Command.

command straight

↓

Richard: Wow.

richard

↓

How the fuck did the mole get all this information?

fuck information mole

↓

By exploiting our most glaring weakness.

weakness

↓

♪ You were working as a waitress ♪

waitress working

↓

♪ In a cocktail bar ♪

cocktail

↓

♪ When I met Jeff ♪

jeff

↓

No, no, no. You guys have it all wrong.

↓

Okay? There's no way Jeff is the mole.

jeff mole

↓

Okay? It's not Jeff.

jeff

↓

Right, Jeff?

jeff

↓

Jeff?

jeff

↓

What about Dave & Buster's, Jeff?

busters dave jeff

↓

What about that time I got a bullseye in Skee-Ball

ball

↓

and yelled out, "Bazinga!"

yelled

↓

And you said, "Okay."

↓

You can't fake enthusiasm like that.

enthusiasm fake

↓

Well, I did.

↓

Jared: You Judas.

jared

↓

You cow-handed poltroon!

handed

↓

We-- We thought you were a Stallion!

stallion

↓

You're no Stallion.

stallion

↓

What is it with you guys and stallions?

↓

What's with you being a rat fuck?

fuck

↓

You signed a very aggressive Non-Disclosure Agreement...

aggressive agreement signed

↓

which you are in breach of.

breach

↓

Which means, we can fire you, obviously,

fire obviously

↓

and then have you arrested, and thrown in jail.

arrested jail thrown

↓

But Gavin would then know we are on to you,

↓

so here's the deal.

deal

↓

You're gonna come into the office every day,

office

↓

and sit down at your fucking workstation,

fucking

↓

and pretend like nothing's wrong.

nothings pretend

↓

Fine.

↓

Uh, that was mine.

↓

Bummer.

bummer

↓

"The irony is, the Internet, which we all use

internet irony

↓

"to search for billions of things,

billions search

↓

"has itself long been searching for something.

searching

↓

And here it is."

↓

Okay, then I turn and gesture.

gesture

↓

"The Box Three.

three

↓

Signature Edition."

signature

↓

Then I come back to the podium.

↓

"I put my name on this,

name

↓

"because I personally stand behind

behind personally stand

↓

"the new SAS-slash SSD-slash-NVMe drive bays,

drive slash

↓

"the 24-core processors.

core

↓

"I stand behind the ECC DDR4 SD-RAM LR-DIMMs

behind stand

↓

"and their exceptional reliability.

exceptional

↓

Will you stand with me?"

stand

↓

About the spotlight, should it be wider?

spotlight

↓

I had the same thought. As did I.

↓

I can speak with the technical team. Please.

speak team technical

↓

Any word from our mole at Pied Piper?

mole piper word

↓

I'm confident that if there were anything to report,

confident report

↓

we'd have heard about it by now, sir.

heard

↓

Alright!

alright

↓

I'm off to Jackson Hole for a couple of days to clear my mind,

clear couple days hole jackson mind

↓

and center myself.

center

↓

I'll be off the grid. Not to be disturbed for any reason.

disturbed grid reason

↓

Understood? Scott: Absolutely.

absolutely scott understood

↓

Is there anything else you'd like us to take care of? Oh.

care

↓

The bear is sticky with honey.

bear honey sticky

↓

See ya soon.

↓

"The bear is sticky with honey."

bear honey sticky

↓

What does he mean by that?

↓

I don't know.

↓

Hello, Stallions.

↓

You continue to be the best of the best.

best continue

↓

I commend you.

↓

And then there's you.

↓

The anti-Stallion.

anti stallion

↓

Move your hand off your fucking mouse, now.

fucking hand mouse

↓

And I was going to take you to see BattleBots live with me,

live

↓

but no longer... "friend."

friend longer

↓

Now who looks stupid?

stupid

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Yeah, so, um...

↓

our new developers just agreed to our terms,

agreed terms

↓

Richard : and are now officially on board.

board officially richard

↓

Richard is a master at getting consent.

consent master richard

↓

That's great news, guys.

news

↓

Eight new partners.

eight partners

↓

Yeah! Actually, we're calling them the OctoPipers.

calling

↓

Uh, until a better name comes along.

along comes name

↓

Just wanted to give that one its day in court.

court wanted

↓

Well, we have some more good news for you, Richard.

news richard

↓

You remember last year,

remember

↓

Laurie and I funded K

laurie

↓

Largest independent gaming company in the Valley?

company gaming independent largest valley

↓

Uh, yeah, of course!

course

↓

Um, actually, now that you-- you bring them up,

bring

↓

I-I didn't want to be too forward,

forward

↓

but I was hoping that one day,

hoping

↓

we could talk to them about joining our 'net.

joining

↓

Well, what if I told you that day is today?

today

↓

What?

↓

In addition to being business associates,

addition associates business

↓

the CEO and I take medically prescribed

medically

↓

and supervised MDMA together.

↓

I'm taking it for severe post-partum depression.

depression post severe

↓

I do not know why he is taking it.

↓

Regardless, when I saw him yesterday,

regardless yesterday

↓

he was quite euphoric about speaking to you regarding a deal.

deal regarding speaking

↓

K The creators of the game

creators game

↓

"Undead Sex Offender"? They're-- they're huge.

huge

↓

Yeah! Yeah, partnering with a company of that size this early

company early size

↓

would put us months ahead.

ahead months

↓

This is not a done deal.

deal

↓

K-Hole is protective of its brand.

brand hole protective

↓

They will want to speak to you

speak

↓

regarding who else you are dealing with.

dealing regarding

↓

Okay, right, well, um...

↓

why don't I just bring the OctoPipers?

bring

↓

New name to come, though it's pretty popular around here.

name popular

↓

Uh, they can talk to K-Hole.

hole

↓

Tell them why they joined.

joined

↓

Allowing you to speak less?

allowing less speak

↓

Good strategy. Alright.

alright strategy

↓

K-Hole will be expecting you this afternoon.

afternoon expecting hole

↓

Knock 'em dead, Richard.

dead knock richard

↓

Whatever you are doing, stop it now.

↓

Um, yeah. We're just... high-fiving.

fiving

↓

Bye.

↓

K-Hole. I can't believe it!

believe hole

↓

I'm bursting. I'm bursting!

↓

Um, here, I printed driving directions.

directions driving printed

↓

Oh, it's okay, I got my phone.

phone

↓

Well, I have marked available bathrooms along the route.

along available bathrooms marked route

↓

Okay, here we go.

↓

Richard, you never return my calls.

calls return richard

↓

You mean the hundreds of voicemails you've left

hundreds left

↓

where you just called me a terrible CEO with no dick?

called dick

↓

Yes! You're talking to other companies.

companies

↓

That is not public information.

information public

↓

Jian-Yang: I'm a part owner in Pied Piper.

owner part piper yang

↓

You need to make a deal with my companies.

companies deal

↓

You mean your incubator's spurious knock-offs

knock

↓

of legitimate American businesses?

american businesses legitimate

↓

"New Expedia," "New Snapchat," "New Zillow"?

↓

But they're for Chinese market.

chinese market

↓

It's a very sophisticated strategy.

sophisticated strategy

↓

Okay, look, taking existing companies

companies existing

↓

and just calling them "new" isn't sophisticated. That's theft.

calling sophisticated theft

↓

You make a new Internet.

internet

↓

That is different.

↓

I-- Look, we're not gonna make any deals

deals

↓

with any of your companies, okay?

companies

↓

Don't pick up.

pick

↓

Richard, hello.

richard

↓

It's Jian-Yang.

yang

↓

You are a shitty CEO.

shitty

↓

As long as I own 10% of Pied Piper,

piper

↓

I will make chaos.

chaos

↓

Okay.

↓

I thought you hated that car.

hated

↓

Aviato car smells like a dead pig.

dead smells

↓

You're aware that Russ Hanneman urinated in that car, no?

aware

↓

This car?

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

Uh...

↓

are you just gonna leave it here? Yes.

↓

Well...

↓

looks like I have a reason to find

reason

↓

Pied Piper's official towing company.

company official

↓

I'm gonna get some bids.

↓

Yeah, while you're at it,

↓

see if you can find someone to bash that guy's face in.

bash face

↓

Uh, I-I can do some research.

research

↓

Maybe turn your phone off during the meeting.

meeting phone

↓

You're a shitty CEO!

shitty

↓

Richard: Thanks again, Colin, for having us.

colin having richard thanks

↓

Uh, the fact that a company like yours

company fact

↓

with such a pristine reputation it sitting down with us

reputation sitting

↓

is, honestly, incredibly flattering.

flattering incredibly

↓

It's cool.

cool

↓

Ooh, wow.

↓

That'll be a closed casket. Yeah.

casket closed thatll

↓

Alright, well, we thought the best way

alright best

↓

to introduce the Pipernet

introduce

↓

would be through the eight developers

eight

↓

that have already signed on.

signed

↓

Who we are calling the OctoPipers.

calling

↓

That's dumb.

dumb

↓

Um, anyway, let's introduce you to the group.

group introduce

↓

Um, we've got a great analytics tool

analytics tool

↓

by a former Google guru.

former google

↓

Wish I'd have thought of that one. Cool.

cool wish

↓

Uh, music streaming with an AI taste predictor

music streaming taste

↓

that is off the charts.

charts

↓

Good space.

space

↓

Yes, and this handsome devil over here,

devil handsome

↓

is creating a very promising gay dating site.

creating dating promising site

↓

That's cool. Yeah, but don't worry, he's not snobby about it.

cool worry

↓

He's actually pretty boring.

boring

↓

I don't mean that as an insult. Those are his words.

insult words

↓

Long-term relationship. Doesn't smoke, doesn't drink.

drink relationship smoke term

↓

And him and his man go to church every Sunday.

church sunday

↓

So...

↓

loves Bible studies, right?

bible loves studies

↓

Just a straight-up boring, ordinary guy,

boring ordinary straight

↓

but obviously not straight.

obviously straight

↓

Very gay, and also a Christian, right?

christian

↓

Richard: Okay, so, that went well.

richard

↓

It started out a little weird, but things really picked up-- Why did you do that?

picked started weird

↓

Why did you say that? Say what?

↓

Richard, you just told a room full of tech people

full richard room room-full tech

↓

that I'm a Christian.

christian

↓

Oh.

↓

Okay, but-- but you are, aren't you?

↓

Yes, but I told you that in confidence.

confidence

↓

I said "between you and me."

↓

I'm not openly Christian.

christian

↓

Thanks a lot, man.

thanks

↓

You just outed me.

↓

Oh, I'm sorry, Deedee. I didn't--

↓

Okay, um, should we hug?

↓

I can not make it weird this time.

weird

↓

I'm-- I'm sorry, Richard.

richard

↓

You know that my default position

position

↓

is blind support of whatever you do, but...

blind support

↓

this was not your best moment.

best best-moment moment

↓

Guys, it can't be that big of a deal, right?

deal

↓

Why should it be?

↓

America loves Christians.

america america-loves christians loves

↓

Muslims are the enemy.

enemy

↓

Well, that's true in most of America,

america

↓

but not in Silicon Valley, sadly.

sadly silicon silicon-valley valley

↓

"Sadly"? You can be openly polyamorous.

sadly

↓

And people here will call you brave.

brave

↓

You can put micro-doses of LSD in your cereal,

cereal doses micro

↓

and-- and people will call you a pioneer.

pioneer

↓

But the one thing you cannot be is a Christian.

cannot christian

↓

I find their theology to be illegitimate,

illegitimate

↓

and it's clear that they are the source

clear source

↓

of the majority of the world's problems.

majority problems worlds

↓

But, fuck, Richard, even I wouldn't just...

fuck richard

↓

out a Christian like that.

christian

↓

Yeah, it was kinda fucked up.

fucked kinda

↓

Cool man, thanks.

cool thanks

↓

Hey, I thought he wasn't supposed to chime in.

chime supposed

↓

Yeah, he's not, but...

↓

based on its merits, I'll allow that one.

allow based

↓

Guys, come on.

↓

It can't be that bad.

↓

Richard!

richard

↓

What the fuck did you do over there?

fuck

↓

So I just got off the phone with Colin over at K-Hole,

colin hole phone

↓

and while he loves your tech,

loves tech

↓

he's considering blowing up the deal.

blowing considering deal

↓

What?

↓

Just because one of my CEOs is Christian?

christian

↓

It freaks people out in the Valley!

freaks valley

↓

Okay, so what do you want me to do, Monica?

↓

You want me to drop Deedee just because he's Christian?

christian drop

↓

The company's not Christian. It's gay...

christian companys

↓

which is fine, right?

↓

Yeah! No, that-- that plays great.

plays

↓

Look, cutting all ties to Deedee and FirstSight

cutting ties

↓

will definitely send a strong message to Colin.

colin message send strong

↓

And it might be the only way.

might

↓

Like killing somebody to prove you're not a narc,

killing narc prove somebody

↓

or showing a john your genitals

genitals john showing

↓

to prove you're a legitimate male prostitute

legitimate male prostitute prove

↓

and not an undercover cop.

undercover

↓

What? Because cops aren't allowed to do that.

allowed cops

↓

And worst case scenario,

case case-scenario scenario worst worst-case worst-case-scenario

↓

the john walks off with a free peek.

free john peek walks

↓

Oh, that's the towing company. Excuse me.

company excuse

↓

Forget it.

forget

↓

Monica, I'm not doing it.

↓

I mean, I'm not dropping him.

dropping

↓

Alright. Fine.

alright

↓

Fine. I-I will call Colin,

colin

↓

and try and smooth things over for you,

smooth

↓

but you need to handle Deedee.

handle

↓

Okay, apologize for outing him, of course,

apologize course outing

↓

but you need to make sure he keeps quiet about this.

keeps quiet

↓

Alright, 'cause it's not just about losing K-Hole,

alright hole losing

↓

it's way worse than that.

worse

↓

Let's put it this way.

↓

Would you want to go from being a rock band

band rock

↓

to being... a Christian rock band?

band christian rock

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

"The bear is sticky with honey."

bear honey sticky

↓

Those were his exact words.

exact exact-words words

↓

But what does that mean?

↓

Well, Gavin speaks in parables.

speaks

↓

I think what Gavin is saying is...

↓

"consider the bear."

bear consider

↓

And all this pizazz is like the honey.

honey

↓

And it's become too sticky.

become sticky

↓

There's too much of it. It's all over him.

↓

Incorrect. No, see, the whole launch is the bear,

bear incorrect launch whole

↓

and the honey is the pizazz.

honey

↓

The bear needs more pizazz.

bear needs

↓

The bear is ravenous for pizazz.

bear

↓

You don't speak for Gavin.

speak

↓

I don't need to. This is the word of Gavin.

word

↓

Alright, forget it.

alright forget

↓

You do it your way, I'll do it mine. Okay, fine.

↓

Gonna show you. Make it clear for all of you. Okay, follow me.

clear follow

↓

Jared: Well, congratulations on becoming

becoming congratulations jared

↓

Pied Piper's official towing company.

company official

↓

Uh-huh, yeah, great.

↓

So should I bill this to you,

bill

↓

or is Mr. Bighetti gonna take care of it?

care

↓

"Bighetti"? It's registered under his name.

name registered

↓

I'm sorry. Can I...?

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Richard: Anyway, it was a mistake.

mistake richard

↓

I'm sorry I outed you.

↓

I just wish we could go back to normal.

normal wish

↓

You know, just like, how things were.

↓

A CEO and a gay CEO.

↓

I don't even know what normal is anymore, Richard.

anymore normal richard

↓

It's been such a crazy 24 hours, you know?

crazy hours

↓

Gossip travels so fast in the Valley.

fast gossip travels valley

↓

I'll be lucky if my parents ever talk to me again.

lucky parents

↓

Your parents aren't Christian?

christian parents

↓

I'm from Palo Alto.

↓

You know, my dad says my lifestyle makes him sick.

lifestyle makes sick

↓

He just wants his gay son back.

wants

↓

And he's okay with the gay part?

part

↓

He's gay. Oh.

↓

But the crazy part is,

crazy part

↓

when I finally got home and I got in bed,

finally home

↓

I had the soundest sleep I've had in years.

sleep years

↓

Exhaustion. No! Relief, Richard.

relief richard

↓

I'm out, okay?

↓

My nightmare's over.

nightmares

↓

I don't ever have to go back in the closet again,

closet

↓

and I've got you to thank for it.

↓

Check it out.

check

↓

Oh, oh, oh.

↓

You like it?

↓

It's good. I guess... maybe it's just a little busy?

busy

↓

Like, um, there's one word too many.

word

↓

One word? Well, I like the gay part.

part word

↓

If anything, it could be more gay.

↓

You should gay it up,

↓

and then, I like the "proud" part.

part proud

↓

It's just the...

↓

Christian part.

christian part

↓

Look, Richard, this is great,

richard

↓

because now I can be gay and a Christian.

christian

↓

Or just be gay!

↓

You know, you could be a-- a twink.

twink

↓

A bear, an otter.

bear otter

↓

A circuit queen, a chub, a pup.

circuit queen

↓

A gipster, a daddy chaser,

daddy

↓

a leatherman, a lady boy.

lady

↓

You could be a Donald Duck,

donald duck

↓

which is a gay guy who got kicked out of the Navy.

kicked navy

↓

Yeah, I-- I know what it is.

↓

How do you know so many gay things?

↓

I worked with a guy.

worked

↓

Just...

↓

don't be a Christian.

christian

↓

Wow.

↓

After all you put me through,

↓

it turns out, you're biased too.

turns

↓

No! No, no, no! I'm not!

↓

I swear to you I'm not. I'm chill AF.

chill swear

↓

It's just everybody else.

everybody

↓

Look, if you go Christian, I lose K-Hole games.

christian games hole lose

↓

I cannot let that happen. I know it sucks.

cannot happen sucks

↓

It's shitty, but it's the truth.

shitty truth

↓

I'm gonna make things easy for you, Richard.

easy richard

↓

I'm out.

↓

Of the closet? No!

closet

↓

The new Internet!

internet

↓

The Internet you said was gonna be

internet

↓

"The first truly free and open Internet."

free internet open truly

↓

Open for everyone.

open

↓

Whatever happened to that, huh?

happened

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Nice place.

place

↓

Oh, thanks, yeah.

thanks

↓

Oh, wow! That's a nice touch.

touch

↓

Big Head: Yeah, thanks!

head thanks

↓

The Monterey Bay Aquarium was testing their sonar,

testing

↓

and found this thing, like, two miles under the ocean.

found miles ocean

↓

And I figure, Erlich and I already bought it,

bought figure

↓

so I might as well hold onto it.

might

↓

Plus, it weighs like 8,000 pounds,

plus pounds weighs

↓

so I couldn't move it if I wanted to.

wanted

↓

Well, and it also kinda works as your mascot.

kinda mascot works

↓

Right

↓

Oh, yeah, 'cause "Nelson."

nelson

↓

Oh, I meant because it's a big head.

head meant

↓

I guess that works, too.

works

↓

So, what's up, man?

↓

Um, well, I wanted to ask you--

wanted

↓

Oh! Big Head!

head

↓

Now I get it.

↓

Sorry. Is-- is it possible

possible

↓

that the general partnership that you formed with Erlich

formed general partnership

↓

is still in effect?

effect

↓

Oh. No way.

↓

You definitely dissolved it?

dissolved

↓

Yeah, my dad insisted.

insisted

↓

I remember he filled out this whole form for me,

filled form remember whole

↓

and made me sign it,

sign

↓

mail it in and everything.

mail

↓

Yeah, 'cause I-- I remember I had the paperwork in one hand,

hand paperwork remember

↓

and the menu for Mr. Chow's in the other.

menu

↓

And then--

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Oh, no way!

↓

Still have the paperwork.

paperwork

↓

Guess I must have sent the menu.

menu must sent

↓

Big Head, this is great news.

head news

↓

Scott: Gavin?

scott

↓

I think you're really going to love the changes

changes love

↓

that my team has made to the presentation.

presentation team

↓

I think you might like ours even better.

might

↓

Sorry, what changes?

changes

↓

We are presenting two paths,

presenting

↓

and you alone will decide which one we walk, Gavin.

alone decide walk

↓

What the fuck are you talking about?

fuck

↓

I thought the presentation was fine as it is.

presentation

↓

Wait. What? You did?

↓

Goddammit!

goddammit

↓

Why is this still here?

↓

I said it was too sticky.

sticky

↓

Don't you listen to anything I say?

↓

The bear... Sticky with honey.

bear honey sticky

↓

So what did you change?

change

↓

Uh, the spotlight.

spotlight

↓

Yes! We're making it wider just like you asked.

asked

↓

Good.

↓

You know what? Let's show you to your dressing room. Yeah.

dressing room

↓

And whenever you're ready, you let us know,

ready

↓

we'll show you that spotlight, huh?

spotlight

↓

You're gonna love it. Sarah: We did it!

love sarah

↓

We had to fly him in from Tucson, but we got the bear.

bear

↓

Gavin hates the bear. You failed!

bear failed hates

↓

Put everything back the way it was.

↓

And widen the spotlight!

spotlight

↓

Guess what, asshole.

asshole

↓

Leon told me he wanted your ticket,

leon ticket wanted

↓

'cause he wants to go see BattleBots with me.

wants

↓

But then he remembered he actually had plans that night

night plans remembered

↓

with a bunch of people, doesn't know what they're doing,

bunch

↓

their plans are sort of fluid,

fluid plans

↓

plus, it's like friends from his old work,

friends plus

↓

so it'd be weird if I hung out with them.

hung weird

↓

Anyway...

↓

looks like you and I are going to see BattleBots.

↓

You're going to hang out with me,

hang

↓

and have fun, whether you like it or not.

fun whether

↓

And what goes best with BattleBots?

best

↓

That's right. Chicken wings.

chicken chicken-wings wings

↓

That's why you get a sweet $50 gift card to Dave & Buster's.

busters card dave gift sweet

↓

Serves you right for fucking us over.

fucking serves

↓

Wash your fucking hair.

fucking hair wash

↓

And you know what happens when I get drunk, Jeff?

drunk happens jeff

↓

I get so sincere.

sincere

↓

It's really awkward.

awkward

↓

Fuck you, Jeff.

fuck jeff

↓

Oh, um, can you drive?

drive

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Well, I spoke to La Flamme,

spoke

↓

and it's official.

official

↓

Big Head is still legally Erlich's next of kin.

head legally

↓

So Jian-Yang's whole gambit was for naught.

gambit naught whole

↓

Wow, really?

↓

Big Head owns Erlich's house, and 10% of Pied Piper.

head house owns piper

↓

I called the sheriff and started eviction proceedings.

called sheriff started

↓

We're gonna get everything back.

↓

Oh, also, the, uh, OctoPipers are arriving for the meeting.

arriving meeting

↓

It's a good thing that FirstSight dropped out, right?

dropped

↓

'Cause we're back down to eight developers,

eight

↓

so you can keep that name.

name

↓

Actually, uh, no, we can't.

↓

Wait, what?

↓

I'm glad this worked out. Yeah.

glad worked

↓

Thanks for dropping FirstSight.

dropping thanks

↓

Jesus, my board would have nailed me to a cross.

board cross jesus nailed

↓

Well, I think we're just about ready to get going here, uh...

ready

↓

Oh. Hey!

↓

Oh, good, there he is. What's he doing here?

↓

He is here because I asked him to be.

asked

↓

I want him to be one of our developers.

↓

What? No! Fuck that guy!

fuck

↓

Hey, man, how's it goin'?

goin

↓

Richard. Deedee.

richard

↓

Can I talk to you? Yeah!

↓

No, no, no. Actually, look!

↓

Look, guys, I...

↓

I asked you to be a part of this

asked part

↓

because I thought you were willing to take a chance

chance willing

↓

on my idea.

idea

↓

An entirely new Internet.

entirely internet

↓

An Internet that is everything

internet

↓

the old Internet is supposed to be, but isn't.

internet supposed

↓

Truly free and truly open.

free open truly

↓

Well, I'm sorry, gang.

gang

↓

Truly open means "open to everyone."

open truly

↓

Truly open means "open to everyone."

open truly

↓

No matter how repugnant their views are.

matter views

↓

No matter how repugnant their views are.

matter views

↓

How ignorant or stupid,

ignorant stupid

↓

How ignorant or stupid,

ignorant stupid

↓

or, to be honest, totally fucking wrong.

fucking honest

↓

or, to be honest, totally fucking wrong.

fucking honest

↓

And, look, who are we to judge, right?

judge

↓

And, look, who are we to judge, right?

judge

↓

There's some people out there that believe

believe

↓

There's some people out there that believe

believe

↓

that we're living in a computer simulation.

computer living simulation

↓

that we're living in a computer simulation.

computer living simulation

↓

Well, that is supported by the evidence.

evidence supported

↓

Well, that is supported by the evidence.

evidence supported

↓

What?

↓

What?

↓

Uh, it's basic probability theory.

basic theory

↓

Uh, it's basic probability theory.

basic theory

↓

Right, uh, Richard, can I talk to you for just a sec? Yes, of course.

course richard

↓

Right, uh, Richard, can I talk to you for just a sec? Yes, of course.

course richard

↓

Uh, that's bullshit actually.

bullshit

↓

Uh, that's bullshit actually.

bullshit

↓

It's been disproven.

↓

It's been disproven.

↓

But why does that even matter?

matter

↓

But why does that even matter?

matter

↓

In a few years, we'll all be working for robots.

robots working years

↓

In a few years, we'll all be working for robots.

robots working years

↓

No, that's stupid.

stupid

↓

No, that's stupid.

stupid

↓

The robots will be working for us.

robots working

↓

The robots will be working for us.

robots working

↓

Robots? Who gives a fuck about robots?

fuck gives robots

↓

Robots? Who gives a fuck about robots?

fuck gives robots

↓

It's the artificial super intelligence we should be worried about.

artificial intelligence super worried

↓

It's the artificial super intelligence we should be worried about.

artificial intelligence super worried

↓

Exactly, and that's why we have to stop it.

↓

Exactly, and that's why we have to stop it.

↓

Stop it? No, that's the us I'm talking about.

↓

Stop it? No, that's the us I'm talking about.

↓

We have to bring it into existence.

bring existence

↓

We have to bring it into existence.

bring existence

↓

Otherwise, it'll find out who didn't believe in it, and punish them.

believe itll otherwise punish

↓

Otherwise, it'll find out who didn't believe in it, and punish them.

believe itll otherwise punish

↓

Clark: Right. Guys, I was wrong.

clark

↓

Clark: Right. Guys, I was wrong.

clark

↓

Um, Deedee is...

↓

Um, Deedee is...

↓

not in. He's actually very much out.

↓

not in. He's actually very much out.

↓

So...

↓

So...

↓

do-over on the whole speech.

speech whole

↓

do-over on the whole speech.

speech whole

↓

Fuck that guy!

fuck

↓

Fuck that guy!

fuck

↓

Christians suck!

christians suck

↓

Christians suck!

christians suck

↓

And, uh, here's a good side effect though.

effect side side-effect

↓

And, uh, here's a good side effect though.

effect side side-effect

↓

Uh, we all get to keep the name OctoPipers.

name

↓

Uh, we all get to keep the name OctoPipers.

name

↓

You know what? Why don't we just take a quick five?

five quick

↓

You know what? Why don't we just take a quick five?

five quick

↓

And then, we'll BRB,

↓

And then, we'll BRB,

↓

and then, go teams.

teams

↓

and then, go teams.

teams

↓

So just-- let's have a--

↓

So just-- let's have a--

↓

What just happened?

happened

↓

What just happened?

happened

↓

Deedee's out?

↓

Deedee's out?

↓

Yeah, well, he said

↓

Yeah, well, he said

↓

that right after he bailed on us,

bailed

↓

that right after he bailed on us,

bailed

↓

he went out and made a deal with our competitor.

competitor deal

↓

he went out and made a deal with our competitor.

competitor deal

↓

But we don't have any competitors. Richard?

richard

↓

But we don't have any competitors. Richard?

richard

↓

Richard: Fuckin' Jian-Yang.

fuckin richard yang

↓

Richard: Fuckin' Jian-Yang.

fuckin richard yang

↓

I'm gonna tear him a new asshole.

asshole tear

↓

I'm gonna tear him a new asshole.

asshole tear

↓

It wasn't enough to do New Snapchat or New Expedia,

↓

It wasn't enough to do New Snapchat or New Expedia,

↓

he had to do New Pied Piper too?

piper

↓

he had to do New Pied Piper too?

piper

↓

Where did he get our code?

code

↓

Where did he get our code?

code

↓

He was always stealing snacks from the office.

office snacks stealing

↓

He was always stealing snacks from the office.

office snacks stealing

↓

He could've lifted it from anywhere.

couldve lifted

↓

He could've lifted it from anywhere.

couldve lifted

↓

I guess that's what happened to my lavender cheese.

cheese happened lavender

↓

I guess that's what happened to my lavender cheese.

cheese happened lavender

↓

Richard: Jian-Yang! Open up!

open richard yang

↓

Richard: Jian-Yang! Open up!

open richard yang

↓

Gilfoyle: What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Gilfoyle: What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Why does every home I've ever loved get stripped?

home loved stripped

↓

Why does every home I've ever loved get stripped?

home loved stripped

↓

Is that Erlich in the bucket?

bucket

↓

Is that Erlich in the bucket?

bucket

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Uh...

↓

Uh...

↓

"Richard...

richard

↓

"Richard...

richard

↓

"Hello, I went to China to do new new Internet.

china internet

↓

"Hello, I went to China to do new new Internet.

china internet

↓

"Thank you. Enjoy your house.

enjoy house

↓

"Thank you. Enjoy your house.

enjoy house

↓

"I love you.

love

↓

"I love you.

love

↓

Jian-Yang."

yang

↓

Jian-Yang."

yang

↓

I'm here with Pied Piper CEO Richard Hendricks,

piper richard

↓

I'm here with Pied Piper CEO Richard Hendricks,

piper richard

↓

and newly minted COO Jared Dunn.

jared newly

↓

and newly minted COO Jared Dunn.

jared newly

↓

Tell me what your new internet is,

internet

↓

Tell me what your new internet is,

internet

↓

and why Gavin Belson should be afraid of it.

afraid

↓

and why Gavin Belson should be afraid of it.

afraid

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

HOOVER: Sir, I had no idea they were this far along.

along hoover idea

↓

HOOVER: Sir, I had no idea they were this far along.

along hoover idea

↓

You must be furious.

furious must

↓

You must be furious.

furious must

↓

That's the thing.

↓

That's the thing.

↓

I'm not.

↓

I'm not.

↓

So, we're just giving a random company

company giving random

↓

So, we're just giving a random company

company giving random

↓

a bunch of free compute power on our network?

bunch free network power

↓

a bunch of free compute power on our network?

bunch free network power

↓

Some company called Eklow.

called company

↓

Some company called Eklow.

called company

↓

BERTRAM GILFOYLE: The AI company?

company

↓

BERTRAM GILFOYLE: The AI company?

company

↓

Follow me, I'll introduce you to her.

follow introduce

↓

Follow me, I'll introduce you to her.

follow introduce

↓

Sorry

↓

Sorry

↓

Fiona.

fiona

↓

Fiona.

fiona

↓

-Good morning.

morning

↓

-Good morning.

morning

↓

♪

↓

♪

↓

Yeah, sure. Yep.

↓

Yeah, sure. Yep.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪