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Home » Silicon Valley » S05E01 — Grow Fast or Die Slow

Silicon Valley

Season 5, Episode 1 — Grow Fast or Die Slow

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Grow Fast or Die Slow

Air date: March 25, 2018

Director: Mike Judge

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew, Matt Ross

Now that Pied Piper has ample funding and new offices, the pressure to get things right stymies Richard and forces him to grow the company in a way he hadn't planned. A picky Dinesh and Gilfoyle question their ability to make good decisions. After returning to Hooli, Gavin worries about becoming antiquated.

Source: TMDB

↓

RUSS HANNEMAN: All right, let's do an exercise.

exercise

↓

You can build anything in the world you want with your compression.

build world

↓

What's it gonna be? Three, two, one, go.

three

↓

A-- A new internet.

internet

↓

What

↓

♪ ♪

↓

I am your lead investor. You will respect me as such.

investor lead respect

↓

I do not respect you because you are fat and poor.

poor respect

↓

So, you're telling me that the perfect application

application perfect telling

↓

of my algorithm belongs to Gavin fucking Belson?

algorithm belongs fucking

↓

RICHARD HENDRICKS: We need his patent and his funding.

funding patent richard

↓

Eventually, this will render every server obsolete.

eventually server

↓

Eventually, this will render every server obsolete.

eventually server

↓

GAVIN BELSON: Holy shit.

holy

↓

GAVIN BELSON: Holy shit.

holy

↓

HENDRICKS: Welcome to the future, Gavin.

future welcome

↓

HENDRICKS: Welcome to the future, Gavin.

future welcome

↓

-Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no. -Son of a bitch!

bitch whoa

↓

-Whoa! Oh, no. Oh, no. -Son of a bitch!

bitch whoa

↓

I have spoken to our top LPs to start a new firm.

firm spoken start

↓

I have spoken to our top LPs to start a new firm.

firm spoken start

↓

Would you care to jump ship with me?

care jump ship

↓

Would you care to jump ship with me?

care jump ship

↓

You are, after all, my best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

You are, after all, my best friend.

best best-friend friend

↓

What?

↓

What?

↓

HENDRICKS: Gavin just fucked off to go find himself,

fucked

↓

HENDRICKS: Gavin just fucked off to go find himself,

fucked

↓

who knows where.

knows

↓

who knows where.

knows

↓

-It's the patent.

patent

↓

-It's the patent.

patent

↓

He just signed over full ownership to me.

full ownership signed

↓

He just signed over full ownership to me.

full ownership signed

↓

There's a loud man here to see you.

loud

↓

There's a loud man here to see you.

loud

↓

BELSON:

↓

BELSON:

↓

Welcome home and congratulations on getting your business back.

business congratulations home welcome welcome-home

↓

Welcome home and congratulations on getting your business back.

business congratulations home welcome welcome-home

↓

Thank you, and I should

↓

Thank you, and I should

↓

congratulate you on your breakthrough.

breakthrough congratulate

↓

congratulate you on your breakthrough.

breakthrough congratulate

↓

I can help you get where you wanna go.

↓

I can help you get where you wanna go.

↓

I'm pretty sure I know where I wanna go,

↓

I'm pretty sure I know where I wanna go,

↓

and how to get there.

↓

and how to get there.

↓

I shall look forward to the fight.

fight forward

↓

I shall look forward to the fight.

fight forward

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Jesus, what the hell did he order?

jesus order

↓

Jesus, what the hell did he order?

jesus order

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Oh... No! No, no, no, no. Stop! Stop it, stop it.

↓

Oh... No! No, no, no, no. Stop! Stop it, stop it.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Oh my God.

↓

Oh my God.

↓

These are our new offices?

offices

↓

These are our new offices?

offices

↓

Richard: Yeah. Well, this is just the lobby.

lobby richard

↓

Richard: Yeah. Well, this is just the lobby.

lobby richard

↓

We're up there on the second floor, but yup.

floor second second-floor

↓

We're up there on the second floor, but yup.

floor second second-floor

↓

These are so nice.

↓

These are so nice.

↓

There's a fireplace.

fireplace

↓

There's a fireplace.

fireplace

↓

Oh! I am a sucker for an intuitive kitchen layout.

kitchen sucker

↓

Oh! I am a sucker for an intuitive kitchen layout.

kitchen sucker

↓

Follow me, right up here. Trust me, you're gonna love it.

follow love trust

↓

Follow me, right up here. Trust me, you're gonna love it.

follow love trust

↓

Gilfoyle: It's hard to believe your pathological inability

believe hard inability

↓

Gilfoyle: It's hard to believe your pathological inability

believe hard inability

↓

to make a decision finally paid off.

decision finally paid

↓

to make a decision finally paid off.

decision finally paid

↓

Jared: Wow. Richard, well done.

jared richard

↓

Jared: Wow. Richard, well done.

jared richard

↓

Dude! Look at this place, huh?

place

↓

Dude! Look at this place, huh?

place

↓

Jared: Oh, I love it.

jared love

↓

Jared: Oh, I love it.

jared love

↓

So, when do these guys move out?

↓

So, when do these guys move out?

↓

Oh, no, this isn't our space.

space

↓

Oh, no, this isn't our space.

space

↓

Our sublease is straight through here.

straight

↓

Our sublease is straight through here.

straight

↓

Okay.

↓

Okay.

↓

I welcome you to Pied Piper's new home.

home welcome

↓

I welcome you to Pied Piper's new home.

home welcome

↓

Huh

↓

Huh

↓

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

↓

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

↓

It's-- it's very white.

white

↓

It's-- it's very white.

white

↓

Yeah, it's minimalist, you know?

↓

Yeah, it's minimalist, you know?

↓

Sharp, clean lines.

clean lines sharp

↓

Sharp, clean lines.

clean lines sharp

↓

I was thinking about maybe putting my desk here in this corner.

corner desk putting thinking

↓

I was thinking about maybe putting my desk here in this corner.

corner desk putting thinking

↓

Jared, you over here, right?

jared

↓

Jared, you over here, right?

jared

↓

Dinesh, Gilfoyle, maybe up against this wall or over there.

wall

↓

Dinesh, Gilfoyle, maybe up against this wall or over there.

wall

↓

You know, just take a minute, walk around the space,

minute space walk

↓

You know, just take a minute, walk around the space,

minute space walk

↓

see where the mojo takes you.

mojo takes

↓

see where the mojo takes you.

mojo takes

↓

I mean, we've got some good feng shui in here.

↓

I mean, we've got some good feng shui in here.

↓

Really good.

↓

Really good.

↓

Richard, the plan was to hire 15 coders

hire plan richard

↓

Richard, the plan was to hire 15 coders

hire plan richard

↓

and some assistants and-- and other staff.

assistants staff

↓

and some assistants and-- and other staff.

assistants staff

↓

Where exactly would we put them?

↓

Where exactly would we put them?

↓

Easy. Right around here.

easy

↓

Easy. Right around here.

easy

↓

Look, guys... the price

price

↓

Look, guys... the price

price

↓

is unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

is unbelievable.

unbelievable

↓

I'm just happy that we got to it when we did before anyone else.

happy

↓

I'm just happy that we got to it when we did before anyone else.

happy

↓

I-- I emphatically vote that we move on this now, if we all agree.

agree vote

↓

I-- I emphatically vote that we move on this now, if we all agree.

agree vote

↓

I mean, we do agree, right?

agree

↓

I mean, we do agree, right?

agree

↓

I cannot put this delicately, so--

cannot

↓

I cannot put this delicately, so--

cannot

↓

Are you fucking kidding me, dude?

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

Are you fucking kidding me, dude?

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

You want us to work in here?

↓

You want us to work in here?

↓

This is a fucking black site, Richard!

black fucking richard site

↓

This is a fucking black site, Richard!

black fucking richard site

↓

A black site would actually be better,

black site

↓

A black site would actually be better,

black site

↓

because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

convention least protected

↓

because at least we'd be protected by the Geneva Convention.

convention least protected

↓

This is fucking with my eyes. Can I get outta here?

eyes fucking outta

↓

This is fucking with my eyes. Can I get outta here?

eyes fucking outta

↓

Okay, ha-- hang on. Richard, can I talk to you

hang richard

↓

Okay, ha-- hang on. Richard, can I talk to you

hang richard

↓

for one second, please, privately? Richard: Sure.

privately richard second

↓

for one second, please, privately? Richard: Sure.

privately richard second

↓

Ah! See? Plenty of outlets.

plenty

↓

Ah! See? Plenty of outlets.

plenty

↓

Richard... what are you doing?

richard

↓

Richard... what are you doing?

richard

↓

We can easily afford a place with windows and... air

afford easily place windows

↓

We can easily afford a place with windows and... air

afford easily place windows

↓

where you can maintain a connection to time and space.

connection maintain space

↓

where you can maintain a connection to time and space.

connection maintain space

↓

If-- if we spend all that money, it's gone.

gone money spend

↓

If-- if we spend all that money, it's gone.

gone money spend

↓

Okay, don't you remember Jack Barker

jack remember

↓

Okay, don't you remember Jack Barker

jack remember

↓

squandering all our runway for those fancy offices

fancy offices runway

↓

squandering all our runway for those fancy offices

fancy offices runway

↓

or Russ Hanneman spending nearly every cent we had on fucking swag?

cent fucking nearly spending

↓

or Russ Hanneman spending nearly every cent we had on fucking swag?

cent fucking nearly spending

↓

I'm sorry, man, we do not get another chance.

another another-chance chance

↓

I'm sorry, man, we do not get another chance.

another another-chance chance

↓

This is it.

↓

This is it.

↓

Gilfoyle: There is no point whispering.

point whispering

↓

Gilfoyle: There is no point whispering.

point whispering

↓

We can hear every fucking word you say in this sweatbox.

fucking word

↓

We can hear every fucking word you say in this sweatbox.

fucking word

↓

I can hear you gulping, Richard.

gulping richard

↓

I can hear you gulping, Richard.

gulping richard

↓

No, you can't.

↓

No, you can't.

↓

Richard, it is my firm opinion

firm opinion richard

↓

Richard, it is my firm opinion

firm opinion richard

↓

that if we were to take this space,

space

↓

that if we were to take this space,

space

↓

our new hires wouldn't be coding,

coding

↓

our new hires wouldn't be coding,

coding

↓

they would be having panic attacks.

attacks having panic

↓

they would be having panic attacks.

attacks having panic

↓

No, come on. I'm doing a really good job of hiding it,

hiding

↓

No, come on. I'm doing a really good job of hiding it,

hiding

↓

but I'm having one right now.

having

↓

but I'm having one right now.

having

↓

I gotta get the fuck outta here.

fuck outta

↓

I gotta get the fuck outta here.

fuck outta

↓

Jared, you okay? I will not be back.

jared

↓

Jared, you okay? I will not be back.

jared

↓

Wait, guys, hold on. Jared, I'm gonna get you some water, okay?

jared water

↓

Wait, guys, hold on. Jared, I'm gonna get you some water, okay?

jared water

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Richard: Okay, what about this guy, Chris Berger?

chris richard

↓

Richard: Okay, what about this guy, Chris Berger?

chris richard

↓

He's a very skilled engineer.

engineer skilled

↓

He's a very skilled engineer.

engineer skilled

↓

He was very funny when we met with him. I think he'd be great.

funny

↓

He was very funny when we met with him. I think he'd be great.

funny

↓

He was oddly tall, don't you think?

oddly tall

↓

He was oddly tall, don't you think?

oddly tall

↓

Gilfoyle: Yeah, pass.

pass

↓

Gilfoyle: Yeah, pass.

pass

↓

Alright, what about Blake Kang?

alright blake

↓

Alright, what about Blake Kang?

alright blake

↓

His beard hair looked like head hair.

beard hair head looked

↓

His beard hair looked like head hair.

beard hair head looked

↓

And his head hair looked like beard hair.

beard hair head looked

↓

And his head hair looked like beard hair.

beard hair head looked

↓

Come on! It's been a fucking month.

fucking month

↓

Come on! It's been a fucking month.

fucking month

↓

I got us these expensive-ass offices

expensive offices

↓

I got us these expensive-ass offices

expensive offices

↓

because you wanted them, and now they're just sitting here, empty,

empty sitting wanted

↓

because you wanted them, and now they're just sitting here, empty,

empty sitting wanted

↓

because you guys won't agree on anyone.

agree

↓

because you guys won't agree on anyone.

agree

↓

Look, I'm going to be seeing Laurie Bream

laurie seeing

↓

Look, I'm going to be seeing Laurie Bream

laurie seeing

↓

at this stupid Innovation Hall of Fame event tonight,

event fame hall innovation stupid tonight

↓

at this stupid Innovation Hall of Fame event tonight,

event fame hall innovation stupid tonight

↓

and she's gonna ask how hiring is going.

hiring

↓

and she's gonna ask how hiring is going.

hiring

↓

She's 11 months pregnant and highly irritable.

highly months months-pregnant pregnant

↓

She's 11 months pregnant and highly irritable.

highly months months-pregnant pregnant

↓

What am I going to tell her?

↓

What am I going to tell her?

↓

That we've just been dicking around the whole time?

dicking whole

↓

That we've just been dicking around the whole time?

dicking whole

↓

We're not dicking around. Really?

dicking

↓

We're not dicking around. Really?

dicking

↓

What about this?

↓

What about this?

↓

Gilfoyle: Touché.

↓

Gilfoyle: Touché.

↓

He sent in a professional headshot. We had no choice.

choice professional sent

↓

He sent in a professional headshot. We had no choice.

choice professional sent

↓

Plus his face looks like a taint.

face plus taint

↓

Plus his face looks like a taint.

face plus taint

↓

Okay, yeah, fair.

fair

↓

Okay, yeah, fair.

fair

↓

But look, I sent you 63 good people.

sent

↓

But look, I sent you 63 good people.

sent

↓

I spared you kilt guy, openly alt-right guy,

↓

I spared you kilt guy, openly alt-right guy,

↓

obviously closeted alt-right guy,

obviously

↓

obviously closeted alt-right guy,

obviously

↓

and the guy with the stupid fucking pizza app.

fucking pizza stupid stupid-fucking

↓

and the guy with the stupid fucking pizza app.

fucking pizza stupid stupid-fucking

↓

It was so lame, it would somehow make you hate pizza.

hate lame pizza

↓

It was so lame, it would somehow make you hate pizza.

hate lame pizza

↓

You have to choose. Dude, it's easy for you to say.

choose easy

↓

You have to choose. Dude, it's easy for you to say.

choose easy

↓

You're gonna be off CEO'ing, going to fancy galas.

fancy

↓

You're gonna be off CEO'ing, going to fancy galas.

fancy

↓

We're the ones who have to like be in the engine room with these clowns.

clowns engine ones room

↓

We're the ones who have to like be in the engine room with these clowns.

clowns engine ones room

↓

Gilfoyle: They have to meet our rigorous standards.

meet standards

↓

Gilfoyle: They have to meet our rigorous standards.

meet standards

↓

I mean, look at the three we've already hired.

hired three

↓

I mean, look at the three we've already hired.

hired three

↓

Just look at them. There they are.

↓

Just look at them. There they are.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Stallions.

↓

Stallions.

↓

Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last.

magnificent

↓

Gilfoyle: Each one more magnificent than the last.

magnificent

↓

Dinesh: Perfect.

perfect

↓

Dinesh: Perfect.

perfect

↓

Yeah, they're glorious, obviously,

glorious obviously

↓

Yeah, they're glorious, obviously,

glorious obviously

↓

but that's only three of them,

three

↓

but that's only three of them,

three

↓

and they're luxuriating here in this huge fucking palace

fucking huge palace

↓

and they're luxuriating here in this huge fucking palace

fucking huge palace

↓

that is costing us a fortune, so hurry up and pick these fucking coders,

fortune fucking hurry pick

↓

that is costing us a fortune, so hurry up and pick these fucking coders,

fortune fucking hurry pick

↓

and stop acting like a couple of spoiled millionaires.

acting couple spoiled

↓

and stop acting like a couple of spoiled millionaires.

acting couple spoiled

↓

Alright, Richard,

alright richard

↓

Alright, Richard,

alright richard

↓

your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala.

gala pressed ready tuxedo

↓

your tuxedo is pressed and ready for the gala.

gala pressed ready tuxedo

↓

I put a touch of mint in the steamer.

mint touch

↓

I put a touch of mint in the steamer.

mint touch

↓

You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman."

richard woman

↓

You're gonna look like Richard Gere from "Pretty Woman."

richard woman

↓

Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker.

fall tonight worker

↓

Maybe tonight you'll fall for a radiant sex worker.

fall tonight worker

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

During my sabbatical from Hooli,

↓

During my sabbatical from Hooli,

↓

I toured the wonders of the world, seeking inspiration

inspiration seeking wonders world

↓

I toured the wonders of the world, seeking inspiration

inspiration seeking wonders world

↓

from mankind's greatest achievements--

greatest

↓

from mankind's greatest achievements--

greatest

↓

the Parthenon, Angkor Wat,

↓

the Parthenon, Angkor Wat,

↓

the Great Pyramid of Giza.

pyramid

↓

the Great Pyramid of Giza.

pyramid

↓

But it wasn't until my flight home

flight home

↓

But it wasn't until my flight home

flight home

↓

that I had my epiphany.

↓

that I had my epiphany.

↓

Yes, those wonders are visited by thousands of people every year,

thousands visited wonders

↓

Yes, those wonders are visited by thousands of people every year,

thousands visited wonders

↓

but 2.4 million people

million

↓

but 2.4 million people

million

↓

visit HooliSearch every minute.

minute visit

↓

visit HooliSearch every minute.

minute visit

↓

God, what a fucking douchebag.

douchebag fucking

↓

God, what a fucking douchebag.

douchebag fucking

↓

Gavin: And then it occurred to me.

occurred

↓

Gavin: And then it occurred to me.

occurred

↓

What I have built is a far greater achievement,

achievement built greater

↓

What I have built is a far greater achievement,

achievement built greater

↓

than any of the ancient world.

ancient world

↓

than any of the ancient world.

ancient world

↓

And the ideal version of myself

ideal version

↓

And the ideal version of myself

ideal version

↓

was the man I already was.

↓

was the man I already was.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Thank you.

↓

Richard? Richard Hendricks.

richard

↓

Richard? Richard Hendricks.

richard

↓

Oh. Huh? Okay. Yeah, hi, Duncan. Yeah.

duncan

↓

Oh. Huh? Okay. Yeah, hi, Duncan. Yeah.

duncan

↓

Me and my guys were just talking about you and your pizza app.

pizza

↓

Me and my guys were just talking about you and your pizza app.

pizza

↓

Oh yeah. I bet. Our algorithm finds you

algorithm finds

↓

Oh yeah. I bet. Our algorithm finds you

algorithm finds

↓

the cheapest, fastest pizza, and it's-- it's awesome.

awesome fastest pizza

↓

the cheapest, fastest pizza, and it's-- it's awesome.

awesome fastest pizza

↓

Yeah. It's actually so awesome... Definitely.

awesome

↓

Yeah. It's actually so awesome... Definitely.

awesome

↓

that-- oh man, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna have to pull my resume.

pull resume

↓

that-- oh man, I'm gonna-- I'm gonna have to pull my resume.

pull resume

↓

Oh, you're pulling your--

pulling

↓

Oh, you're pulling your--

pulling

↓

Oh no. Yeah, I just don't feel as psyched about it

psyched

↓

Oh no. Yeah, I just don't feel as psyched about it

psyched

↓

as I do about Sliceline. Sliceline?

↓

as I do about Sliceline. Sliceline?

↓

That's the name of your app?

name

↓

That's the name of your app?

name

↓

Yeah. Oh God.

↓

Yeah. Oh God.

↓

Great. Yeah, it's a pun.

↓

Great. Yeah, it's a pun.

↓

Is it? Yeah. It rhymes with Priceline.

rhymes

↓

Is it? Yeah. It rhymes with Priceline.

rhymes

↓

Okay. Just-- so, it rhymes? Okay. Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.

rhymes

↓

Okay. Just-- so, it rhymes? Okay. Yeah. It's a rhyming pun.

rhymes

↓

Anyway, there might be some major VCs around here, so I gotta go mingle.

major might mingle

↓

Anyway, there might be some major VCs around here, so I gotta go mingle.

major might mingle

↓

Okay. It's the-- it's the worst part of this job. Am I right?

part worst worst-part

↓

Okay. It's the-- it's the worst part of this job. Am I right?

part worst worst-part

↓

I'm kidding. It's the best part of the job.

best best-part kidding part

↓

I'm kidding. It's the best part of the job.

best best-part kidding part

↓

Okay.

↓

Okay.

↓

What an asshole.

asshole

↓

What an asshole.

asshole

↓

Richard. Gavin, hello.

richard

↓

Richard. Gavin, hello.

richard

↓

Don't you look cute in your Sunday best?

best cute sunday

↓

Don't you look cute in your Sunday best?

best cute sunday

↓

How's that little bunny Internet going?

bunny internet

↓

How's that little bunny Internet going?

bunny internet

↓

Mmm. New Internet. New.

internet

↓

Mmm. New Internet. New.

internet

↓

Unlike your old Internet.

internet unlike

↓

Unlike your old Internet.

internet unlike

↓

You know, I'm glad I ran into you, Richard.

glad richard

↓

You know, I'm glad I ran into you, Richard.

glad richard

↓

I was actually starting to feel bad about what I did today.

starting today

↓

I was actually starting to feel bad about what I did today.

starting today

↓

Oh

↓

Oh

↓

Invent the MOSFET transistor

invent

↓

Invent the MOSFET transistor

invent

↓

It's old technology. It's very old, like you.

technology

↓

It's old technology. It's very old, like you.

technology

↓

No. I've heard that you're trying to staff up. Over the past few months,

heard months past staff

↓

No. I've heard that you're trying to staff up. Over the past few months,

heard months past staff

↓

you've met with just about every distributed systems developer in the Valley.

systems valley

↓

you've met with just about every distributed systems developer in the Valley.

systems valley

↓

Okay, well, not everyone.

↓

Okay, well, not everyone.

↓

63 of them, and as of 4:30 p.m. this afternoon,

afternoon

↓

63 of them, and as of 4:30 p.m. this afternoon,

afternoon

↓

I hired them, all 63 of them.

hired

↓

I hired them, all 63 of them.

hired

↓

Yeah, I had to pay through the nose, but you know what?

nose

↓

Yeah, I had to pay through the nose, but you know what?

nose

↓

♪ ♪ That look right there on your face?

face

↓

♪ ♪ That look right there on your face?

face

↓

It makes it worth every penny.

makes penny worth

↓

It makes it worth every penny.

makes penny worth

↓

You know what? Enjoy the reception, Richard.

enjoy reception richard

↓

You know what? Enjoy the reception, Richard.

enjoy reception richard

↓

You too.

↓

You too.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Jared: Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.

bluffing jared

↓

Jared: Yeah, he wasn't bluffing.

bluffing jared

↓

He hired all of them.

hired

↓

He hired all of them.

hired

↓

Even my boy Blake Kang?

blake

↓

Even my boy Blake Kang?

blake

↓

He was a good one.

↓

He was a good one.

↓

I'm sorry, uh, your boy?

↓

I'm sorry, uh, your boy?

↓

I thought his hair was backwards?

backwards hair

↓

I thought his hair was backwards?

backwards hair

↓

You guys were lukewarm on him and everybody else for all kinds of stupid reasons.

everybody kinds reasons stupid

↓

You guys were lukewarm on him and everybody else for all kinds of stupid reasons.

everybody kinds reasons stupid

↓

Well, now that they're unavailable, their strengths are more readily apparent.

strengths

↓

Well, now that they're unavailable, their strengths are more readily apparent.

strengths

↓

And I don't want to point fingers, but we wouldn't be here

fingers point

↓

And I don't want to point fingers, but we wouldn't be here

fingers point

↓

if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me waste so much time being picky.

picky waste

↓

if you hadn't let Gilfoyle and me waste so much time being picky.

picky waste

↓

What? I was dying to move faster.

dying faster

↓

What? I was dying to move faster.

dying faster

↓

I was just respecting your process.

process respecting

↓

I was just respecting your process.

process respecting

↓

Our process sucks.

process sucks

↓

Our process sucks.

process sucks

↓

Your inability to stop us from sucking

inability sucking

↓

Your inability to stop us from sucking

inability sucking

↓

is a failure of leadership.

failure leadership

↓

is a failure of leadership.

failure leadership

↓

At least we still have the stallions.

least

↓

At least we still have the stallions.

least

↓

Ah. Those stallions.

↓

Ah. Those stallions.

↓

Look at 'em. Magnificent.

magnificent

↓

Look at 'em. Magnificent.

magnificent

↓

Sit back down. Just sit in your chairs.

chairs

↓

Sit back down. Just sit in your chairs.

chairs

↓

Jared, um...

jared

↓

Jared, um...

jared

↓

call alt-right guy and cologne boy and all the other rejects,

cologne rejects

↓

call alt-right guy and cologne boy and all the other rejects,

cologne rejects

↓

and... set meetings.

meetings

↓

and... set meetings.

meetings

↓

Well, I did a little digging on the alt-right guy,

digging

↓

Well, I did a little digging on the alt-right guy,

digging

↓

and he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis,

black campaign eliminate involved

↓

and he's pretty involved in a campaign to eliminate black emojis,

black campaign eliminate involved

↓

but there might be another option.

another might option

↓

but there might be another option.

another might option

↓

Do you remember Kira Pickford?

remember

↓

Do you remember Kira Pickford?

remember

↓

Yes, actually. Yeah, good coder, but she had her own company.

company

↓

Yes, actually. Yeah, good coder, but she had her own company.

company

↓

Well, that's true, except that her company, Optimoji,

company except

↓

Well, that's true, except that her company, Optimoji,

company except

↓

just lost their second round of funding,

funding lost round second

↓

just lost their second round of funding,

funding lost round second

↓

so they're basically on life support.

life life-support support

↓

so they're basically on life support.

life life-support support

↓

So? So, what if, instead of building a team,

building team

↓

So? So, what if, instead of building a team,

building team

↓

we acquired one?

acquired

↓

we acquired one?

acquired

↓

Dinesh: But Optimoji has 30 people. We only need 12.

↓

Dinesh: But Optimoji has 30 people. We only need 12.

↓

Well, we'll just insist that she let the other 18 go.

insist

↓

Well, we'll just insist that she let the other 18 go.

insist

↓

We have a lot of leverage. Richard is a shrewd negotiator,

leverage richard

↓

We have a lot of leverage. Richard is a shrewd negotiator,

leverage richard

↓

and I'm, you know, spirited.

spirited

↓

and I'm, you know, spirited.

spirited

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Look, Kira, this is a fair offer.

fair offer

↓

Look, Kira, this is a fair offer.

fair offer

↓

But... I've got 30 great guys.

↓

But... I've got 30 great guys.

↓

We're like family, and you only wanna bring along 12?

along bring family

↓

We're like family, and you only wanna bring along 12?

along bring family

↓

I have to do what's right by my guys.

↓

I have to do what's right by my guys.

↓

Look, I know what it's like to only be able to rescue half your family,

able family half rescue

↓

Look, I know what it's like to only be able to rescue half your family,

able family half rescue

↓

and it's awful, but what can you do? Shh, shh.

awful

↓

and it's awful, but what can you do? Shh, shh.

awful

↓

Sometimes there's only one-- Jared, okay, stop.

jared sometimes

↓

Sometimes there's only one-- Jared, okay, stop.

jared sometimes

↓

Um, look, Kira, you're not gonna find a better deal than that.

deal

↓

Um, look, Kira, you're not gonna find a better deal than that.

deal

↓

Your company is close to bankruptcy

close company

↓

Your company is close to bankruptcy

close company

↓

and we all know that there are a lotta coders out there in this old town,

lotta town

↓

and we all know that there are a lotta coders out there in this old town,

lotta town

↓

and we could go to any of 'em,

↓

and we could go to any of 'em,

↓

but we wanna go to you, so...

↓

but we wanna go to you, so...

↓

kinda feels like we've got all the cards here, huh?

cards feels kinda

↓

kinda feels like we've got all the cards here, huh?

cards feels kinda

↓

Richard. You keep following me,

following richard

↓

Richard. You keep following me,

following richard

↓

I'm gonna call the cops.

cops

↓

I'm gonna call the cops.

cops

↓

I'm just kidding. Oh.

kidding

↓

I'm just kidding. Oh.

kidding

↓

Hey, I'm Duncan. Hey. Kira.

duncan

↓

Hey, I'm Duncan. Hey. Kira.

duncan

↓

Hey, guess what company just got his Series "A" Term Sheet

company series sheet term

↓

Hey, guess what company just got his Series "A" Term Sheet

company series sheet term

↓

Oh, the Sliceline.

↓

Oh, the Sliceline.

↓

Congrats, yeah. Duncan: Yeah, we're staffing up like crazy.

congrats crazy duncan

↓

Congrats, yeah. Duncan: Yeah, we're staffing up like crazy.

congrats crazy duncan

↓

Speaking of staffing, how about all those coders you lost, man?

lost speaking

↓

Speaking of staffing, how about all those coders you lost, man?

lost speaking

↓

I'm sorry. That must've been a real blow.

blow mustve real

↓

I'm sorry. That must've been a real blow.

blow mustve real

↓

What coders?

↓

What coders?

↓

Um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but this is boring.

boring rude

↓

Um, I'm sorry, I don't mean to be rude, but this is boring.

boring rude

↓

Thank God I didn't accept your offer.

accept offer

↓

Thank God I didn't accept your offer.

accept offer

↓

I'd be the only guy working for you

working

↓

I'd be the only guy working for you

working

↓

now that Gavin Belson swooped in

↓

now that Gavin Belson swooped in

↓

and tactically mass-hired every single

hired mass single

↓

and tactically mass-hired every single

hired mass single

↓

distributed systems engineer you were looking at.

engineer looking systems

↓

distributed systems engineer you were looking at.

engineer looking systems

↓

Gavin hired all of Richard's coders?

hired

↓

Gavin hired all of Richard's coders?

hired

↓

Not everyone. Not everyone.

↓

Not everyone. Not everyone.

↓

Yup. The guy is savage,

savage

↓

Yup. The guy is savage,

savage

↓

and so are my guys if they don't get their caffeine,

↓

and so are my guys if they don't get their caffeine,

↓

so nice meeting you, Kira. Cool. Cool, cool.

cool meeting

↓

so nice meeting you, Kira. Cool. Cool, cool.

cool meeting

↓

What were you saying about holding all the cards?

cards holding

↓

What were you saying about holding all the cards?

cards holding

↓

All of my coders or none of them.

↓

All of my coders or none of them.

↓

Take it or leave it.

↓

Take it or leave it.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Dinesh: What?

↓

Dinesh: What?

↓

Gilfoyle: What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Gilfoyle: What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Do you have-- Do you--

↓

Do you have-- Do you--

↓

Dinesh: Jian-Yang!

yang

↓

Dinesh: Jian-Yang!

yang

↓

Jian-Yang... would you please explain

explain yang

↓

Jian-Yang... would you please explain

explain yang

↓

why we each found some random Chinese guy asleep in our beds?

asleep beds chinese found random

↓

why we each found some random Chinese guy asleep in our beds?

asleep beds chinese found random

↓

Yes, you work all day.

↓

Yes, you work all day.

↓

Your rooms are always empty, so they use.

empty rooms

↓

Your rooms are always empty, so they use.

empty rooms

↓

The fuck they do. Yes, it's not your house.

fuck house

↓

The fuck they do. Yes, it's not your house.

fuck house

↓

This is not your house either, Jian-Yang.

house yang

↓

This is not your house either, Jian-Yang.

house yang

↓

This is Erlich's house. Do you think Erlich would want your guys here?

house

↓

This is Erlich's house. Do you think Erlich would want your guys here?

house

↓

No. That's why I invite them, because I hate Errich.

hate invite

↓

No. That's why I invite them, because I hate Errich.

hate invite

↓

We are not Erlich. You are from Errich's administration.

administration

↓

We are not Erlich. You are from Errich's administration.

administration

↓

No, we are not. Nobody has heard from Erlich in months.

heard months nobody

↓

No, we are not. Nobody has heard from Erlich in months.

heard months nobody

↓

This isn't working. I'm gonna drag your cousin the fuck outta my lair.

cousin drag fuck lair outta working

↓

This isn't working. I'm gonna drag your cousin the fuck outta my lair.

cousin drag fuck lair outta working

↓

Jian-Yang: No, this is my cousin.

cousin yang

↓

Jian-Yang: No, this is my cousin.

cousin yang

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Engineers, welcome.

engineers welcome

↓

Engineers, welcome.

engineers welcome

↓

You are 63 of the top distributed systems developers in the Valley,

systems valley

↓

You are 63 of the top distributed systems developers in the Valley,

systems valley

↓

and we're looking forward to working with you.

forward looking looking-forward working

↓

and we're looking forward to working with you.

forward looking looking-forward working

↓

Hooli is the future, and your future is...

future

↓

Hooli is the future, and your future is...

future

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

the Box Two.

↓

the Box Two.

↓

So, are there any questions?

questions

↓

So, are there any questions?

questions

↓

Yes?

↓

Yes?

↓

I'm sorry, but what if we don't wanna work on that?

↓

I'm sorry, but what if we don't wanna work on that?

↓

Weird. This is our flagship product,

product weird

↓

Weird. This is our flagship product,

product weird

↓

but I'm sure we'd all like to hear what you would like to work on.

↓

but I'm sure we'd all like to hear what you would like to work on.

↓

A decentralized Internet, like we were going to build with Richard Hendricks.

build internet richard

↓

A decentralized Internet, like we were going to build with Richard Hendricks.

build internet richard

↓

Actually, that's the one thing we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?

↓

Actually, that's the one thing we can't do here at Hooli. Yes?

↓

Sorry. You only hired us because Pied Piper wanted us, right?

hired piper wanted

↓

Sorry. You only hired us because Pied Piper wanted us, right?

hired piper wanted

↓

Untrue. Go on.

↓

Untrue. Go on.

↓

And Pied Piper only wanted us

piper wanted

↓

And Pied Piper only wanted us

piper wanted

↓

because of our ability to help build a decentralized Internet.

ability build internet

↓

because of our ability to help build a decentralized Internet.

ability build internet

↓

Can't speak to that. Continue.

continue speak

↓

Can't speak to that. Continue.

continue speak

↓

And you're telling us that even if we want to,

telling

↓

And you're telling us that even if we want to,

telling

↓

we can't build a decentralized Internet here.

build internet

↓

we can't build a decentralized Internet here.

build internet

↓

May I ask why not?

↓

May I ask why not?

↓

Because Richard owns the patent for it.

owns patent richard

↓

Because Richard owns the patent for it.

owns patent richard

↓

Yes, third row, red hoodie.

third

↓

Yes, third row, red hoodie.

third

↓

How did he get it? I gave it to him.

↓

How did he get it? I gave it to him.

↓

You in the back? Why did you do that?

↓

You in the back? Why did you do that?

↓

It was a Buddhist act of selflessness.

↓

It was a Buddhist act of selflessness.

↓

Well, I'm also a Buddhist, and I would never give him the patent.

patent

↓

Well, I'm also a Buddhist, and I would never give him the patent.

patent

↓

I mean, once he builds that Internet,

builds internet

↓

I mean, once he builds that Internet,

builds internet

↓

he's gonna render Hooli's entire web-based ecosystem completely obsolete.

based completely ecosystem entire

↓

he's gonna render Hooli's entire web-based ecosystem completely obsolete.

based completely ecosystem entire

↓

I mean, everything you're doing here is antiquated.

↓

I mean, everything you're doing here is antiquated.

↓

That's not a question. That's a statement.

question statement

↓

That's not a question. That's a statement.

question statement

↓

You know what?

↓

You know what?

↓

Fuck you guys. I don't want you working on my box.

fuck working

↓

Fuck you guys. I don't want you working on my box.

fuck working

↓

It's too good for you. "Antiquated"?

↓

It's too good for you. "Antiquated"?

↓

Why did you all take my money then, you entitled little pricks?

entitled money pricks

↓

Why did you all take my money then, you entitled little pricks?

entitled money pricks

↓

You all think you're John Lennon

john

↓

You all think you're John Lennon

john

↓

until someone waves a dollar in your face!

dollar face waves

↓

until someone waves a dollar in your face!

dollar face waves

↓

You know what? Get outta here!

outta

↓

You know what? Get outta here!

outta

↓

Go on, just wander the campus for four years until you vest.

campus four four-years vest wander years

↓

Go on, just wander the campus for four years until you vest.

campus four four-years vest wander years

↓

See what I care.

care

↓

See what I care.

care

↓

I'm serious! Go! Goodbye! Thank you very much!

goodbye serious

↓

I'm serious! Go! Goodbye! Thank you very much!

goodbye serious

↓

Assholes. "Antiquated"?

assholes

↓

Assholes. "Antiquated"?

assholes

↓

Fuck do they think they are? I'm in the Innovation Hall of Fame. Are they?

fame fuck hall innovation

↓

Fuck do they think they are? I'm in the Innovation Hall of Fame. Are they?

fame fuck hall innovation

↓

Speaking of, they sent over the official inductees portrait.

official portrait sent speaking

↓

Speaking of, they sent over the official inductees portrait.

official portrait sent speaking

↓

You and your peers. Handsome bunch.

bunch handsome peers

↓

You and your peers. Handsome bunch.

bunch handsome peers

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

Fuck!

fuck

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

So, Mr. Yang-- It's Mr. Jian.

yang

↓

So, Mr. Yang-- It's Mr. Jian.

yang

↓

In China, last name comes first.

china comes name

↓

In China, last name comes first.

china comes name

↓

Okay. Mr. Jian, you say that Erlich Bachman wrote this letter...

letter wrote

↓

Okay. Mr. Jian, you say that Erlich Bachman wrote this letter...

letter wrote

↓

to you? Yes.

↓

to you? Yes.

↓

"This is Erlich. Hello.

↓

"This is Erlich. Hello.

↓

"I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a very good friend and very smart.

friend gone smart yang

↓

"I am gone, but Jian-Yang is a very good friend and very smart.

friend gone smart yang

↓

"I want him to be the leader of the house

house leader

↓

"I want him to be the leader of the house

house leader

↓

"and control all of the friends.

control friends

↓

"and control all of the friends.

control friends

↓

Goodbye. Bachman Erlich."

goodbye

↓

Goodbye. Bachman Erlich."

goodbye

↓

Yes. I want his house.

house

↓

Yes. I want his house.

house

↓

Thank you. Okay, I don't technically represent Mr. Bachman.

represent technically

↓

Thank you. Okay, I don't technically represent Mr. Bachman.

represent technically

↓

I'm Pied Piper's corporate counsel,

corporate counsel

↓

I'm Pied Piper's corporate counsel,

corporate counsel

↓

so my exposure to Bachman pertains only to his 10% ownership of the business.

business exposure ownership

↓

so my exposure to Bachman pertains only to his 10% ownership of the business.

business exposure ownership

↓

Errich owns 10% of Pied Piper?

owns piper

↓

Errich owns 10% of Pied Piper?

owns piper

↓

This was not a lie? Sadly, no, that's very, very real.

real sadly

↓

This was not a lie? Sadly, no, that's very, very real.

real sadly

↓

That's worth a lot of money.

money worth

↓

That's worth a lot of money.

money worth

↓

It's promising tech. One day it could be worth a shit-ton.

promising tech worth

↓

It's promising tech. One day it could be worth a shit-ton.

promising tech worth

↓

Shit-ton. Yes.

↓

Shit-ton. Yes.

↓

Mr. Jian, you seem like a good guy.

↓

Mr. Jian, you seem like a good guy.

↓

Um, this letter is not a legal document.

document legal letter

↓

Um, this letter is not a legal document.

document legal letter

↓

I mean, maybe a skilled attorney could make a case

attorney case skilled

↓

I mean, maybe a skilled attorney could make a case

attorney case skilled

↓

that in the absence of an existing will,

absence existing

↓

that in the absence of an existing will,

absence existing

↓

this would serve as one in the case of Bachman's death,

case death serve

↓

this would serve as one in the case of Bachman's death,

case death serve

↓

but as far as I can tell, the guy is not... Dead.

dead

↓

but as far as I can tell, the guy is not... Dead.

dead

↓

Yes. Errich is dead.

dead

↓

Yes. Errich is dead.

dead

↓

Do you happen to have... a death certificate

certificate death happen

↓

Do you happen to have... a death certificate

certificate death happen

↓

or any-- any form of proof of-- Yes.

form proof

↓

or any-- any form of proof of-- Yes.

form proof

↓

I can get it now.

↓

I can get it now.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Richard: Our deal with Kira is for 30 fucking coders.

deal fucking richard

↓

Richard: Our deal with Kira is for 30 fucking coders.

deal fucking richard

↓

Where in the hell are we gonna put them?

↓

Where in the hell are we gonna put them?

↓

Well, I suppose we could put three more workstations here,

suppose three

↓

Well, I suppose we could put three more workstations here,

suppose three

↓

and then two more over there.

↓

and then two more over there.

↓

It'd be crowded but cozy.

cozy crowded

↓

It'd be crowded but cozy.

cozy crowded

↓

They'll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.

branch

↓

They'll be all holed up together like the Branch Davidians.

branch

↓

Yeah, but, I mean, are we sure this is the right thing to do?

↓

Yeah, but, I mean, are we sure this is the right thing to do?

↓

I mean, I don't want to crowd the stallions.

crowd

↓

I mean, I don't want to crowd the stallions.

crowd

↓

Are we sure taking on all 30 of Kira's guys is the right move?

↓

Are we sure taking on all 30 of Kira's guys is the right move?

↓

We can get up and running. They all know each other,

running

↓

We can get up and running. They all know each other,

running

↓

so we won't have to play the name game.

game name

↓

so we won't have to play the name game.

game name

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yeah.

↓

Ron, hello. Hey, buddy. Hang on just a second.

buddy hang second

↓

Ron, hello. Hey, buddy. Hang on just a second.

buddy hang second

↓

No, the-- the exit is-- the exit is the other way.

exit

↓

No, the-- the exit is-- the exit is the other way.

exit

↓

God damn it. Um, Richie, you know a guy named "Jee

named richie

↓

God damn it. Um, Richie, you know a guy named "Jee

named richie

↓

Jan? Uh, no. Well, I know a "Jan the Man," but she's a woman.

woman

↓

Jan? Uh, no. Well, I know a "Jan the Man," but she's a woman.

woman

↓

Look, did you-- did you talk to the Optimoji board yet?

board

↓

Look, did you-- did you talk to the Optimoji board yet?

board

↓

Uh, did we close the deal?

close deal

↓

Uh, did we close the deal?

close deal

↓

Uh, well, a deal closed. Another bidder came in with a better offer,

another bidder closed deal offer

↓

Uh, well, a deal closed. Another bidder came in with a better offer,

another bidder closed deal offer

↓

so they went with them. Richard : What?

richard

↓

so they went with them. Richard : What?

richard

↓

Was it Gavin fucking Belson again?

fucking

↓

Was it Gavin fucking Belson again?

fucking

↓

Ron : No, it was a new company.

company

↓

Ron : No, it was a new company.

company

↓

Real smart, clever name.

clever name real smart

↓

Real smart, clever name.

clever name real smart

↓

Sort of a pun that rhymes.

rhymes

↓

Sort of a pun that rhymes.

rhymes

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Oh, hello, dickheads.

dickheads

↓

Oh, hello, dickheads.

dickheads

↓

I hope I'm not interrupting your plotting,

hope interrupting plotting

↓

I hope I'm not interrupting your plotting,

hope interrupting plotting

↓

you sneaky little dinks.

sneaky

↓

you sneaky little dinks.

sneaky

↓

Kira, you and I had a deal, okay?

deal

↓

Kira, you and I had a deal, okay?

deal

↓

So fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you!

fuck

↓

So fuck you, fuck you, and fuck you!

fuck

↓

Man: What did he say?

↓

Man: What did he say?

↓

Not you. Just e-- everyone.

↓

Not you. Just e-- everyone.

↓

I meant fuck all of you. No one specific.

fuck meant specific

↓

I meant fuck all of you. No one specific.

fuck meant specific

↓

Richard, you low-balled me. Mmm?

richard

↓

Richard, you low-balled me. Mmm?

richard

↓

Remember? Well, Duncan here said he wanted to grow fast as balls.

balls duncan fast grow remember wanted

↓

Remember? Well, Duncan here said he wanted to grow fast as balls.

balls duncan fast grow remember wanted

↓

He said he was psyched. Yeah, I am psyched.

psyched

↓

He said he was psyched. Yeah, I am psyched.

psyched

↓

I'd hire a million people if I could.

hire million

↓

I'd hire a million people if I could.

hire million

↓

See, if I have to sell my company, I might as well sell it

company might sell

↓

See, if I have to sell my company, I might as well sell it

company might sell

↓

to the CEO who actually wants all of us.

wants

↓

to the CEO who actually wants all of us.

wants

↓

It's pizza, Kira.

pizza

↓

It's pizza, Kira.

pizza

↓

Richard, we're just three CEOs trying to do right by our companies.

companies richard three

↓

Richard, we're just three CEOs trying to do right by our companies.

companies richard three

↓

Okay, you know what? I'm glad you turned us down,

glad turned

↓

Okay, you know what? I'm glad you turned us down,

glad turned

↓

because I don't want to work with anyone

↓

because I don't want to work with anyone

↓

who wants to work with this... meathead.

wants

↓

who wants to work with this... meathead.

wants

↓

I'm taking these. I'm taking all of them.

↓

I'm taking these. I'm taking all of them.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Maybe just take one. You have like four employees. Richard: Ha!

employees four richard

↓

Maybe just take one. You have like four employees. Richard: Ha!

employees four richard

↓

Ah, shit.

↓

Ah, shit.

↓

Gavin: Throw it away.

throw

↓

Gavin: Throw it away.

throw

↓

Patrice, I'd like to welcome you back to the Hooli family.

family welcome

↓

Patrice, I'd like to welcome you back to the Hooli family.

family welcome

↓

It's wonderful to be back, Gavin.

↓

It's wonderful to be back, Gavin.

↓

Sadly, the timing couldn't be worse.

sadly timing worse

↓

Sadly, the timing couldn't be worse.

sadly timing worse

↓

Those code-monkeys I just hired were right about one thing:

code hired monkeys

↓

Those code-monkeys I just hired were right about one thing:

code hired monkeys

↓

Making Jack's box the flagship product of this company

company jacks product

↓

Making Jack's box the flagship product of this company

company jacks product

↓

will send us down a path to technological irrelevance

path send

↓

will send us down a path to technological irrelevance

path send

↓

from which we will never return.

return

↓

from which we will never return.

return

↓

But in light of the time and resources

light resources

↓

But in light of the time and resources

light resources

↓

we've invested in this product,

invested product

↓

we've invested in this product,

invested product

↓

convincing the board and our shareholders

board convincing shareholders

↓

convincing the board and our shareholders

board convincing shareholders

↓

to simply scrap it will be nearly impossible.

impossible nearly scrap simply

↓

to simply scrap it will be nearly impossible.

impossible nearly scrap simply

↓

Our company is too big to turn around that quickly.

company quickly

↓

Our company is too big to turn around that quickly.

company quickly

↓

Gavin, what if you launched a new product to help us correct course?

correct course product

↓

Gavin, what if you launched a new product to help us correct course?

correct course product

↓

Absolutely. Look at all the products you've brought to market over the years.

absolutely brought market products years

↓

Absolutely. Look at all the products you've brought to market over the years.

absolutely brought market products years

↓

Gavin: Hmm. True.

↓

Gavin: Hmm. True.

↓

I did invent the HooliPod and the HooliPad and the HooliPad Pro,

invent

↓

I did invent the HooliPod and the HooliPad and the HooliPad Pro,

invent

↓

but a man only has so many game-changing inventions in him.

changing game

↓

but a man only has so many game-changing inventions in him.

changing game

↓

And technically, all the products he just named were money-losers.

losers money named products technically

↓

And technically, all the products he just named were money-losers.

losers money named products technically

↓

I mean, you could argue we'd have been better off

argue

↓

I mean, you could argue we'd have been better off

argue

↓

if he'd never invented any of that stuff.

invented stuff

↓

if he'd never invented any of that stuff.

invented stuff

↓

Hoover. Hoover: Sir.

hoover

↓

Hoover. Hoover: Sir.

hoover

↓

Patrice, can I talk to you outside for a second?

second

↓

Patrice, can I talk to you outside for a second?

second

↓

Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious box is allowed to go to market,

allowed jack market

↓

Anyway, if Jack Barker's insidious box is allowed to go to market,

allowed jack market

↓

we may all lose our jobs.

jobs lose

↓

we may all lose our jobs.

jobs lose

↓

We may all go the way of Patrice.

↓

We may all go the way of Patrice.

↓

But we must fight it. We cannot sacrifice

cannot fight must sacrifice

↓

But we must fight it. We cannot sacrifice

cannot fight must sacrifice

↓

our long-term wellbeing in the interest of paltry, short-term profits.

interest profits short term

↓

our long-term wellbeing in the interest of paltry, short-term profits.

interest profits short term

↓

Well, they're not paltry, exactly.

↓

Well, they're not paltry, exactly.

↓

Did you not see the preorder figures for the Box Two?

figures

↓

Did you not see the preorder figures for the Box Two?

figures

↓

They came in this morning.

morning

↓

They came in this morning.

morning

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Are these right? How many quarters is this?

quarters

↓

Are these right? How many quarters is this?

quarters

↓

Just one. The Box Two will be by far

↓

Just one. The Box Two will be by far

↓

the most lucrative new product we've ever released.

lucrative product released

↓

the most lucrative new product we've ever released.

lucrative product released

↓

Fucking Sliceline.

fucking

↓

Fucking Sliceline.

fucking

↓

Plus his fancy, hi-tech pizza tastes just like Domino's.

dominos fancy pizza plus tastes tech

↓

Plus his fancy, hi-tech pizza tastes just like Domino's.

dominos fancy pizza plus tastes tech

↓

There's a reason for that. Check out the liner.

check reason

↓

There's a reason for that. Check out the liner.

check reason

↓

Jared: Oh yeah. I guess that's Domino's.

dominos jared

↓

Jared: Oh yeah. I guess that's Domino's.

dominos jared

↓

We never had pizza 'cause my step-mom said

pizza step

↓

We never had pizza 'cause my step-mom said

pizza step

↓

Italians aren't real white people.

real white

↓

Italians aren't real white people.

real white

↓

Hold on. Duncan doesn't even make his own pizza?

duncan pizza

↓

Hold on. Duncan doesn't even make his own pizza?

duncan pizza

↓

He just orders it from Domino's

dominos orders

↓

He just orders it from Domino's

dominos orders

↓

and switches the boxes?

boxes switches

↓

and switches the boxes?

boxes switches

↓

He really is sneaky.

sneaky

↓

He really is sneaky.

sneaky

↓

It's not sneaky. It's stupid.

sneaky stupid

↓

It's not sneaky. It's stupid.

sneaky stupid

↓

Switching boxes costs a lot of money.

boxes costs money switching

↓

Switching boxes costs a lot of money.

boxes costs money switching

↓

Okay. How do you know?

↓

Okay. How do you know?

↓

I need to prove Errich's dead,

dead prove

↓

I need to prove Errich's dead,

dead prove

↓

so I want to ship a dead body from China,

body china dead dead-body ship

↓

so I want to ship a dead body from China,

body china dead dead-body ship

↓

but it's hard to find a white body in China,

body china hard white

↓

but it's hard to find a white body in China,

body china hard white

↓

especially fat like Errich,

especially

↓

especially fat like Errich,

especially

↓

so I buy a fat, white cadaver

cadaver white

↓

so I buy a fat, white cadaver

cadaver white

↓

from Cincinnati medical school.

cincinnati medical medical-school school

↓

from Cincinnati medical school.

cincinnati medical medical-school school

↓

But to ship to China, then switch box,

china ship switch

↓

But to ship to China, then switch box,

china ship switch

↓

then ship back, it's way too much money.

money ship

↓

then ship back, it's way too much money.

money ship

↓

Say that again.

↓

Say that again.

↓

Like, not one word of that made sense.

sense word

↓

Like, not one word of that made sense.

sense word

↓

Hold on. Just-- ju-- what-- uh...

↓

Hold on. Just-- ju-- what-- uh...

↓

does anyone-- does anyone know the price of a Domino's pizza?

dominos pizza price

↓

does anyone-- does anyone know the price of a Domino's pizza?

dominos pizza price

↓

A large, 10 bucks.

bucks

↓

A large, 10 bucks.

bucks

↓

Okay, well, Sliceline sells theirs for nine.

nine sells

↓

Okay, well, Sliceline sells theirs for nine.

nine sells

↓

So?

↓

So?

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

That was kinda crazy, Richard. That was--

crazy kinda richard

↓

That was kinda crazy, Richard. That was--

crazy kinda richard

↓

I mean, you threw a full-on tantrum.

full tantrum threw

↓

I mean, you threw a full-on tantrum.

full tantrum threw

↓

I know, I know. I am so sorry.

↓

I know, I know. I am so sorry.

↓

It's just-- I guess I'm just a CEO trying to do right by my company.

company

↓

It's just-- I guess I'm just a CEO trying to do right by my company.

company

↓

Like you guys.

↓

Like you guys.

↓

Speaking of business, wow, we're having a hell of a night.

business having night speaking

↓

Speaking of business, wow, we're having a hell of a night.

business having night speaking

↓

Yeah, well, I would know.

↓

Yeah, well, I would know.

↓

About 500 of those orders tonight are me.

orders tonight

↓

About 500 of those orders tonight are me.

orders tonight

↓

Oh. Richard, you really didn't have to do that.

richard

↓

Oh. Richard, you really didn't have to do that.

richard

↓

But the peace offering is super appreciated.

appreciated offering peace super

↓

But the peace offering is super appreciated.

appreciated offering peace super

↓

Yeah, well, I wouldn't really call it a peace offering.

offering peace

↓

Yeah, well, I wouldn't really call it a peace offering.

offering peace

↓

You see, Duncan, you took eight mil in funding, right?

duncan eight funding

↓

You see, Duncan, you took eight mil in funding, right?

duncan eight funding

↓

And then you matched my offer to acquire Optimoji here from Kira,

offer

↓

And then you matched my offer to acquire Optimoji here from Kira,

offer

↓

but the thing is, you can't sell your pizzas

pizzas sell

↓

but the thing is, you can't sell your pizzas

pizzas sell

↓

for nine bucks a pop without taking a bath, can you?

bath bucks nine

↓

for nine bucks a pop without taking a bath, can you?

bath bucks nine

↓

The reboxing, the double delivery, ugh.

delivery double

↓

The reboxing, the double delivery, ugh.

delivery double

↓

You lose, what, four bucks an order?

bucks four lose order

↓

You lose, what, four bucks an order?

bucks four lose order

↓

Five, actually.

five

↓

Five, actually.

five

↓

We're losing five bucks a pizza? Yeah.

bucks five five-bucks losing pizza

↓

We're losing five bucks a pizza? Yeah.

bucks five five-bucks losing pizza

↓

Only temporarily. So, her team is gonna optimize

team

↓

Only temporarily. So, her team is gonna optimize

team

↓

our order routing and allocation, and then we'll be cash-flow positive.

cash flow order positive

↓

our order routing and allocation, and then we'll be cash-flow positive.

cash flow order positive

↓

We can easily turn it around

easily

↓

We can easily turn it around

easily

↓

before we run out of money. Right.

money

↓

before we run out of money. Right.

money

↓

Yeah. Unless a lot of people

↓

Yeah. Unless a lot of people

↓

buy your pizza very quickly.

pizza quickly

↓

buy your pizza very quickly.

pizza quickly

↓

(phone beeps, whooshes)

beeps phone phone-beeps whooshes

↓

(phone beeps, whooshes)

beeps phone phone-beeps whooshes

↓

What are-- what are you doing?

↓

What are-- what are you doing?

↓

Well, Duncan, I can be a dickhead too.

dickhead duncan

↓

Well, Duncan, I can be a dickhead too.

dickhead duncan

↓

You see, I have $13 million in my bank account

account bank bank-account million

↓

You see, I have $13 million in my bank account

account bank bank-account million

↓

and a very low payroll, which affords me to buy a lot of tasty 'za

payroll tasty

↓

and a very low payroll, which affords me to buy a lot of tasty 'za

payroll tasty

↓

before you can turn it around.

↓

before you can turn it around.

↓

You're trying to bankrupt us?

↓

You're trying to bankrupt us?

↓

No, Kira. I'm simply trying to devalue your company,

company simply

↓

No, Kira. I'm simply trying to devalue your company,

company simply

↓

so that I can make a low-ball acquisition offer

acquisition ball offer

↓

so that I can make a low-ball acquisition offer

acquisition ball offer

↓

which you cannot refuse.

cannot refuse

↓

which you cannot refuse.

cannot refuse

↓

Richard, I'm just gonna delete your account.

account delete richard

↓

Richard, I'm just gonna delete your account.

account delete richard

↓

You see, my engineers already thought of that,

engineers

↓

You see, my engineers already thought of that,

engineers

↓

and they worked up a little botnet program.

program worked

↓

and they worked up a little botnet program.

program worked

↓

Thousands of fake users indistinguishable from real ones

fake ones real thousands users

↓

Thousands of fake users indistinguishable from real ones

fake ones real thousands users

↓

geolocated perfectly to maximize drive time

drive perfectly

↓

geolocated perfectly to maximize drive time

drive perfectly

↓

and bleed your little greasebag operation dry.

bleed operation

↓

and bleed your little greasebag operation dry.

bleed operation

↓

You know, I may not have that many coders,

↓

You know, I may not have that many coders,

↓

but the ones I do are stallions,

ones

↓

but the ones I do are stallions,

ones

↓

each one more magnificent than the last.

magnificent

↓

each one more magnificent than the last.

magnificent

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Monica: You spent $19,000 on pizza?

pizza spent

↓

Monica: You spent $19,000 on pizza?

pizza spent

↓

No, $19,000 on vengeance.

vengeance

↓

No, $19,000 on vengeance.

vengeance

↓

You're acquiring Sliceline who already acquired Optimoji?

acquired

↓

You're acquiring Sliceline who already acquired Optimoji?

acquired

↓

Richard, you're talking about absorbing a staff of 50.

richard staff

↓

Richard, you're talking about absorbing a staff of 50.

richard staff

↓

How are you gonna spin this to Laurie?

laurie spin

↓

How are you gonna spin this to Laurie?

laurie spin

↓

Well, you said you'd protect me from Laurie.

laurie protect

↓

Well, you said you'd protect me from Laurie.

laurie protect

↓

I mean, she's your partner. Are you afraid of her?

afraid partner

↓

I mean, she's your partner. Are you afraid of her?

afraid partner

↓

Of course I'm afraid of her.

afraid course

↓

Of course I'm afraid of her.

afraid course

↓

The woman got pregnant just to prove to me

pregnant prove woman

↓

The woman got pregnant just to prove to me

pregnant prove woman

↓

that she could do it without missing a day of work.

missing

↓

that she could do it without missing a day of work.

missing

↓

Okay, fair enough, but maybe this one time you could take my side.

fair side

↓

Okay, fair enough, but maybe this one time you could take my side.

fair side

↓

I cannot take your side. You're asking for 50 employees.

asking cannot employees side

↓

I cannot take your side. You're asking for 50 employees.

asking cannot employees side

↓

Think of the-- Sorry I am late.

late

↓

Think of the-- Sorry I am late.

late

↓

Hey, Laurie. Did you, uh--

laurie

↓

Hey, Laurie. Did you, uh--

laurie

↓

Induce? Yes, this morning...

morning

↓

Induce? Yes, this morning...

morning

↓

and here I am.

↓

and here I am.

↓

So, Richard,

richard

↓

So, Richard,

richard

↓

I received your email.

email received

↓

I received your email.

email received

↓

I understand you wish to acquire a company called... Sliceline,

called company wish

↓

I understand you wish to acquire a company called... Sliceline,

called company wish

↓

which themselves recently acquired a company called Optimoji.

acquired called company recently

↓

which themselves recently acquired a company called Optimoji.

acquired called company recently

↓

Yes, and I will be firing both companies' CEOs

companies firing

↓

Yes, and I will be firing both companies' CEOs

companies firing

↓

and taking on a total engineering team of about, uh, 50.

engineering team total

↓

and taking on a total engineering team of about, uh, 50.

engineering team total

↓

Fifty?

fifty

↓

Fifty?

fifty

↓

Monica, you are okay with this?

↓

Monica, you are okay with this?

↓

Well, it shortens their runway significantly,

runway significantly

↓

Well, it shortens their runway significantly,

runway significantly

↓

but you did say that you want them to grow, Laurie.

grow laurie

↓

but you did say that you want them to grow, Laurie.

grow laurie

↓

Yes, but in this case it seems...

case seems

↓

Yes, but in this case it seems...

case seems

↓

reckless.

reckless

↓

reckless.

reckless

↓

However, if you are on top of it,

↓

However, if you are on top of it,

↓

Monica, then...

↓

Monica, then...

↓

...approved.

approved

↓

...approved.

approved

↓

Congratulations.

congratulations

↓

Congratulations.

congratulations

↓

Great. Thanks. And congratulations to you too.

congratulations thanks

↓

Great. Thanks. And congratulations to you too.

congratulations thanks

↓

On?

↓

On?

↓

On the-- on your-- on your baby.

baby

↓

On the-- on your-- on your baby.

baby

↓

Oh.

↓

Oh.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

♪ ♪

↓

This is awesome. Gavin is essentially doubling-down

awesome essentially

↓

This is awesome. Gavin is essentially doubling-down

awesome essentially

↓

on the very thing we are destroying.

destroying

↓

on the very thing we are destroying.

destroying

↓

It's like he's giving up.

giving

↓

It's like he's giving up.

giving

↓

Maybe I should've ordered the nicer Tesla.

nicer ordered shouldve

↓

Maybe I should've ordered the nicer Tesla.

nicer ordered shouldve

↓

Dinesh: Ah.

↓

Dinesh: Ah.

↓

Oh gosh. Everyone's here.

everyones gosh

↓

Oh gosh. Everyone's here.

everyones gosh

↓

Jared: Richard. So many people.

jared richard

↓

Jared: Richard. So many people.

jared richard

↓

Richard.

richard

↓

Richard.

richard

↓

Hey. Hey.

↓

Hey. Hey.

↓

I thought you'd want to give some opening remarks,

opening remarks

↓

I thought you'd want to give some opening remarks,

opening remarks

↓

you know, it being the first day and all,

↓

you know, it being the first day and all,

↓

just to set the tone.

tone

↓

just to set the tone.

tone

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hendricks!

gentlemen ladies richard

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Hendricks!

gentlemen ladies richard

↓

Um...

↓

Um...

↓

Um...

↓

Um...

↓

Well, it's great to have everybody

everybody

↓

Well, it's great to have everybody

everybody

↓

and... so many... f-- faces.

faces

↓

and... so many... f-- faces.

faces

↓

We've got a lot of... men and women here.

women

↓

We've got a lot of... men and women here.

women

↓

And...

↓

And...

↓

we should remember that.

remember

↓

we should remember that.

remember

↓

So, let's keep it clean.

clean

↓

So, let's keep it clean.

clean

↓

Um...

↓

Um...

↓

it's always a challenge...

challenge

↓

it's always a challenge...

challenge

↓

to get it--

↓

to get it--

↓

I've got-- I should probably-- more to say in a minute.

minute

↓

I've got-- I should probably-- more to say in a minute.

minute

↓

I just have to go, one-- one second, in my office...

office second

↓

I just have to go, one-- one second, in my office...

office second

↓

and then we'll conclude.

↓

and then we'll conclude.

↓

Uh, he just needs a second in his office, then he's gonna come back.

needs office second

↓

Uh, he just needs a second in his office, then he's gonna come back.

needs office second

↓

Oh God.

↓

Oh God.

↓

Don't tell anyone, okay?

↓

Don't tell anyone, okay?

↓

Um, Richard, I know-- I know money's tight,

moneys richard tight

↓

Um, Richard, I know-- I know money's tight,

moneys richard tight

↓

but I think I might invest in a modesty panel for your desk.

desk invest might panel

↓

but I think I might invest in a modesty panel for your desk.

desk invest might panel

↓

Richard: What?

richard

↓

Richard: What?

richard

↓

♪ Yeah ♪

↓

♪ Yeah ♪

↓

♪ The monkey speaks his mind ♪

mind monkey speaks

↓

♪ The monkey speaks his mind ♪

mind monkey speaks

↓

♪ Now, three monkeys sat in a coconut tree ♪

coconut monkeys three tree

↓

♪ Now, three monkeys sat in a coconut tree ♪

coconut monkeys three tree

↓

♪ Discussing things as they are said to be ♪

discussing

↓

♪ Discussing things as they are said to be ♪

discussing

↓

♪ Said one to other, Now listen, you two ♪

↓

♪ Said one to other, Now listen, you two ♪

↓

♪ There's a certain rumor that can't be true ♪

certain rumor

↓

♪ There's a certain rumor that can't be true ♪

certain rumor

↓

♪ That man descended our noble race ♪

noble race

↓

♪ That man descended our noble race ♪

noble race

↓

♪ Why, the very idea ♪

idea

↓

♪ Why, the very idea ♪

idea

↓

♪ Is a big disgrace ♪

disgrace

↓

♪ Is a big disgrace ♪

disgrace

↓

♪ And here's another thing ♪

another

↓

♪ And here's another thing ♪

another

↓

♪ You will never see ♪

↓

♪ You will never see ♪

↓

♪ A monkey building a fence ♪

building fence monkey

↓

♪ A monkey building a fence ♪

building fence monkey

↓

♪ Around a coconut tree ♪

coconut tree

↓

♪ Around a coconut tree ♪

coconut tree

↓

♪ And let the coconuts ♪

coconuts

↓

♪ And let the coconuts ♪

coconuts

↓

♪ Go to waste ♪

waste

↓

♪ Go to waste ♪

waste

↓

♪ Forbidding all the monkeys ♪

monkeys

↓

♪ Forbidding all the monkeys ♪

monkeys

↓

♪ To come and taste ♪

taste

↓

♪ To come and taste ♪

taste

↓

You have petitioned to become the sole executor

become sole

↓

You have petitioned to become the sole executor

become sole

↓

of the estate of Erlich Bachman.

estate

↓

of the estate of Erlich Bachman.

estate

↓

Erlich Bachman is dead.

dead

↓

Erlich Bachman is dead.

dead

↓

JUDGE: Oh!

judge

↓

JUDGE: Oh!

judge

↓

RICHARD HENDRICKS: The Optimoji guys and the Sliceline guys,

richard

↓

RICHARD HENDRICKS: The Optimoji guys and the Sliceline guys,

richard

↓

they are united against me.

united

↓

they are united against me.

united

↓

Good news. I'm hearing that Pied Piper is in freefall.

hearing news piper

↓

Good news. I'm hearing that Pied Piper is in freefall.

hearing news piper

↓

If I have to build my entire new internet by myself,

build entire internet

↓

If I have to build my entire new internet by myself,

build entire internet

↓

I'll do that.

↓

I'll do that.

↓

You have been in a coma for four years.

coma four four-years years

↓

You have been in a coma for four years.

coma four four-years years

↓

-In fact,

fact

↓

-In fact,

fact

↓

I'm a robot.

robot

↓

I'm a robot.

robot

↓

I'm just joking around!

joking

↓

I'm just joking around!

joking

↓

What, did you sell your sense of humor?

humor sell sense

↓

What, did you sell your sense of humor?

humor sell sense

↓

Come on! No.

↓

Come on! No.