Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E07 — McPoyle vs Ponderosa - The Trial of the Century

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 7 — McPoyle vs Ponderosa - The Trial of the Century

You really think Jackcan handle this case?

#1

⇓

Yeah, he's a lawyer.

#2

⇓

Besides, Bill, you're broke.

#3

⇓

He's the best lawyer you can afford.

#4

⇓

Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, okay? Uncle Jack

#5

⇓

and I... We got this case. Now... Now, listen to me.

#6

⇓

But... But I've done my research. I got something with this

#8

⇓

bird theory that's gonna blow the court away.

#9

⇓

I... I... I don't... I don't think we should pursue

#10

⇓

- this bird nonsense, Charlie. - Yes.

#11

⇓

- I... I'm well-versed in bird law. - Look,

#12

⇓

This goes well, it's party time.

#14

⇓

What is that?

#15

⇓

- Is that... Is that drugs, Frank? - Yeah.

#16

⇓

No, dude, I need you keeping him clean,

#17

⇓

all right? That's why you're here.

#18

⇓

I got to have the drugs here

#19

⇓

to keep him clean.

#20

⇓

Well, that doesn't make sense.

#21

⇓

I... Get rid of the drugs, Frank.

#22

⇓

- I... I don't want that. - Hey, boys.

#23

⇓

- You ready for the big show? - Yes, good, how you feeling?

#24

⇓

You good, you do your homework, you know your talking points?

#25

⇓

Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, cool as a cucumber.

#26

⇓

- You can... You can get off my back. - Well, don't sass me,

#27

⇓

- I just... It was just a general - Well, then don't hound me.

#28

⇓

- question, Dee. - I'm just saying if you don't want sass,

#29

⇓

All right, whatever.

#31

⇓

Mac, why are you here?

#32

⇓

This is your big day, dude. McPoyle suing Ponderosa?

#33

⇓

It's huge, it's like the trial of the century.

#34

⇓

Come on, man, everybody's got a thing. Don't leave me out.

#35

⇓

Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing.

#36

⇓

Dennis has a thing... What are you talking about?

#37

⇓

- Oh! - D... What are you doing here?

#38

⇓

There's got to be a way to get this court

#39

⇓

to let me out of my alimony payments.

#40

⇓

I mean, have you guys seen Maureen? The woman has gone

#41

⇓

I shouldn't have to pay for that,

#43

⇓

so I'm gonna talk to the judge, get him to throw it

#44

⇓

on the docket, you know what I mean?

#45

⇓

No, absolutely not.

#46

⇓

Buddy, you don't have a case, okay?

#48

⇓

You are not a lawyer.

#49

⇓

Uncle Jack's just got you here handling

#50

⇓

his papers for him 'cause he can't do it

#51

⇓

'cause he's wearing those goddamn...

#52

⇓

Big hands over his hands.

#53

⇓

- I don't know what that is. What is that? - I don't know what it is.

#54

⇓

All right, well, either way, this whole thing's gonna be

#55

⇓

- No, it's gonna go fine. - No, it isn't.

#57

⇓

No, it's gonna be fine. This is hardly the trial

#58

⇓

On a scale of one to ten, how much sass

#60

⇓

What's the Jew lawyer doing here?

#63

⇓

Not Jewish, and even if I was,

#64

⇓

what difference would it make?

#65

⇓

I meant that as a compliment.

#66

⇓

Everybody knows Jews are the best lawyers.

#67

⇓

I can't wait to crush you people.

#68

⇓

I'll be representing Liam McPoyle today.

#69

⇓

- Where is Liam? - Well, he actually got pinkeye

#70

⇓

in his one good eye.

#71

⇓

Well, in truth, someone named Doc McPoyle

#72

⇓

attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye

#73

⇓

and it got infected, but that doesn't matter.

#74

⇓

The point is...

#75

⇓

You'll be dealing with me today.

#76

⇓

And you'll be dealing with me today.

#77

⇓

Jack Kelly, lawyer.

#78

⇓

Good to see you again.

#79

⇓

Are those fake hands?

#80

⇓

You know what, good luck with all of that today.

#82

⇓

Did you see his hands? They're beautiful.

#83

⇓

- I think we should settle. - What...

#84

⇓

67th District Court is now in session.

#86

⇓

Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.

#87

⇓

Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones.

#88

⇓

Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa.

#89

⇓

Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form

#90

⇓

of a one-time payment to the sum of...

#91

⇓

$200.

#92

⇓

Are the plaintiffs present?

#93

⇓

I will be representing

#94

⇓

the plaintiffs, Your Honor.

#95

⇓

And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited

#97

⇓

to be here. I do estate law,

#98

⇓

and this is my first actual trial.

#99

⇓

Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.

#100

⇓

Uh, background in bird law, uh...

#101

⇓

Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court

#103

⇓

a... And a big fan of black judges,

#104

⇓

too. Stop touching me.

#105

⇓

Okay. Look.

#106

⇓

I have a very long day ahead of me,

#108

⇓

so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving.

#109

⇓

The... The hammer? Do we... Is there a...

#111

⇓

Here we go?

#112

⇓

- Hey. - That's the...

#113

⇓

- Awesome. - Yeah.

#114

⇓

- It's cool, right? - Yeah, nice.

#115

⇓

Your Honor,

#116

⇓

Friday the 13th was a night of chaos.

#117

⇓

Milk,

#118

⇓

Bill Ponderosa,

#120

⇓

You might even refer to his family as...

#123

⇓

...very creepy.

#124

⇓

But they are saints compared

#125

⇓

to Bill Ponderosa

#126

⇓

and the sordid lot of degenerates

#127

⇓

he associates with.

#128

⇓

Terrible people who ruin lives.

#129

⇓

Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage,

#130

⇓

You know what...

#132

⇓

I'm gonna sit down.

#133

⇓

I'm done.

#134

⇓

They just do this to me, okay?

#135

⇓

You get the point.

#136

⇓

Uh, Your Honor, I'll... I'll, uh,

#137

⇓

I'll keep it brief.

#138

⇓

Uh, one.

#140

⇓

Liam McPoyle has a history of lying.

#141

⇓

Two. My client is a loving

#142

⇓

Deandra Reynolds,

#146

⇓

But you didn't actually see him do it, did you?

#149

⇓

- No, I did not. - So is it possible that,

#150

⇓

given the traumatic nature of the evening,

#151

⇓

that you don't remember the evening

#152

⇓

- all that well? - Yes, that's correct.

#153

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My car was destroyed and I was locked into a freezer.

#154

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My memory was clouded by rage,

#155

⇓

and so I misremembered the incident.

#156

⇓

An understandable mistake. Could happen to any one of us.

#157

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For example, you remember me, possibly,

#158

⇓

as a man with small hands.

#159

⇓

Yeah, you think...

#160

⇓

- What... - You think, "He had small hands."

#161

⇓

Do you remember that?

#162

⇓

Yeah, sure, okay.

#163

⇓

What you remember is false.

#164

⇓

- O... Okay. - Yup.

#165

⇓

Big, masculine.

#166

⇓

My hands tell a story

#167

⇓

of greatness.

#168

⇓

- And when you look at my right hand... - I'm gonna st...

#169

⇓

Uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you

#170

⇓

right now. Are you just gonna

#171

⇓

talk about your hands for a while?

#172

⇓

Uh, no, Your Honor.

#173

⇓

Deandra,

#175

⇓

here is the statement that you gave

#176

⇓

to police.

#177

⇓

"Bill did it. That goddamn drug addict

#178

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He's guilty, guilty, guilty."

#182

⇓

Uh...

#183

⇓

Have you ever had sex

#184

⇓

with Bill before?

#185

⇓

Yeah.

#186

⇓

Yes, sure. Because we... We were...

#187

⇓

We had a... We were sort of...

#188

⇓

We were lovers for a little...

#189

⇓

One of his prostitutes, right.

#190

⇓

Prostitutes?

#191

⇓

Um, I have a receipt for a mink coat,

#192

⇓

recently purchased by a Bill Ponderosa

#193

⇓

to be delivered to a Dee Reynolds.

#194

⇓

A gift?

#195

⇓

Yes. I had a birthday.

#196

⇓

Six months ago.

#197

⇓

- Uh... - Are you aware

#198

⇓

that the coat was purchased

#199

⇓

at Doyle McPoyle's Trappings and Fur?

#200

⇓

- No. - Or that the coat

#201

⇓

was not made of mink at all

#202

⇓

but rather made of... Muskrat?

#203

⇓

Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me,

#204

⇓

Bill? Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it.

#205

⇓

I'm sorry. What did you say?

#206

⇓

No further questions, Your Honor.

#208

⇓

Ma'am, do you know what perjury is?

#209

⇓

Mm-hmm.

#210

⇓

Oh, this is terrible.

#211

⇓

- Well, he shouldn't be... - This is terrible.

#212

⇓

Wow, you guys are getting crushed in there.

#213

⇓

Yeah. Oh, I know. Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.

#214

⇓

Hey, you know, I feel like I'm not being utilized properly.

#215

⇓

Well, that's 'cause you don't have anything.

#216

⇓

So you're not being utilized at all.

#217

⇓

Yeah, but what if I get to deliver the bombshell?

#218

⇓

- Oh. - What bombshell?

#219

⇓

You guys don't have a bombshell? Oh, my God.

#220

⇓

Every good case needs a bombshell.

#221

⇓

Oh, Jesus Christ, and, without it, you're screwed.

#222

⇓

- You know what, you know what? - Okay.

#223

⇓

I'll find one for you. I'm gonna do, like, a hero cop,

#224

⇓

- Mark Fuhrman thing... - Oh, Mark Furhman.

#225

⇓

And then sort of transition into a Kato Kaelin.

#226

⇓

Yeah, I wish you would do none of it.

#227

⇓

- Okay. All right. Cool. - I wish you'd do none of it, man.

#228

⇓

- I'm on it, I'm on it. - Okay. All right.

#229

⇓

Ah, why can't people just stay out of this?

#230

⇓

- Yeah, look, there's potentially... - That... That's my bird expert.

#231

⇓

He's from Penn. The guy... Like, he's totally official, okay?

#232

⇓

Let me do the bird thing. He's an ornithologist.

#233

⇓

I don't think it's a good...

#234

⇓

- I'm gonna kill, man. - I know, but, Charlie, I'm just...

#235

⇓

- Uncle Jack, put me back on the stand. - What?

#236

⇓

No, we cannot. Are you kidding me?

#237

⇓

You're lucky you didn't get sent to jail.

#238

⇓

Yeah, I know. But I think this could work.

#239

⇓

I'm gonna say I found some bullshit online

#240

⇓

- that proves that lawyer's Jewish. - Oh.

#241

⇓

- So what? - So what? He'll be a laughingstock.

#242

⇓

- Yes. Yes. - Right?

#243

⇓

Because the man is Jewish?

#244

⇓

- No. What? No. Not because he's... - Well, that's what

#245

⇓

it sounds like you're saying.

#246

⇓

N... Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar

#247

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and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish.

#248

⇓

I mean, what is that?

#249

⇓

Dee, you blew it. Like, big-time.

#250

⇓

I wish you guys would just stay out of this.

#251

⇓

I... I didn't... I... I...

#252

⇓

Maureen, you are the sister of Bill Ponderosa,

#253

⇓

and it was at your wedding that Liam got attacked?

#254

⇓

- Meow. - Mmm.

#255

⇓

Your Honor, nothing represents the tragic aftermath

#256

⇓

more than the dramatic transformation of this woman...

#257

⇓

- Uh, cat. - Excuse me?

#258

⇓

As I transition from woman to cat,

#259

⇓

I must insist on being referred to as a cat.

#260

⇓

Objection. She's not a cat, Your Honor.

#261

⇓

If the witness wants to consider herself a cat, I will allow it.

#262

⇓

I just need to know where all this is headed.

#263

⇓

How is this relevant?

#264

⇓

Well, it's clearly relevant

#265

⇓

the attack had a psychological impact

#266

⇓

on all the parties that evening.

#267

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No further questions.

#268

⇓

Y... Your Honor, do you see what's going on here? This is crazy.

#269

⇓

You know what, I'm gonna...

#270

⇓

- I'm gonna approach the bench. - No.

#271

⇓

- Can I just approach it real fast? - Absolutely not.

#272

⇓

All right, earlier, you... You referred to my ex-wife as a cat,

#273

⇓

per her request. Uh, now, surely, you wouldn't force a man

#274

⇓

to pay alimony to a cat, right?

#275

⇓

So motion to establish me not having to pay alimony anymore.

#276

⇓

I will not allow that.

#277

⇓

Okay, well, so can we just... We'll pop it on the docket?

#278

⇓

We can put it at the end of the day if you want.

#279

⇓

I just want to clear it up while I got her in a courtroom.

#280

⇓

I will not allow that, either. Sit down.

#281

⇓

Now you don't allow something. Now you don't allow something!

#282

⇓

Allow all this. You gonna allow that?

#283

⇓

You know? But you don't... Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.

#284

⇓

Frank,

#285

⇓

- did you go to the wedding? - I did.

#286

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And I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car.

#287

⇓

He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam.

#288

⇓

And I had him in the trunk of the car,

#289

⇓

on account of I didn't want to sit with him

#290

⇓

- 'cause he's gross. - Right.

#291

⇓

And, uh, uh,

#292

⇓

what did Ryan say to you when you got to the wedding?

#293

⇓

"I'm gonna kill Maureen Ponderosa."

#294

⇓

So, if there's someone to point the finger at, it would be...

#295

⇓

His brother!

#296

⇓

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, nobody look!

#297

⇓

Nobody look! Nobody look!

#298

⇓

Nobody look! Nobody look!

#299

⇓

Nobody look!

#300

⇓

Now, you've stabbed

#301

⇓

your brother before, correct?

#302

⇓

Oh, sure.

#303

⇓

And you were upset at the wedding.

#304

⇓

So it's not crazy for me to ask you this.

#305

⇓

Ryan McPoyle, did you attack your brother at the wedding?

#306

⇓

Oh. I'm not Ryan.

#307

⇓

- What, you're not? - Nope.

#308

⇓

I'm Lion. Like the animal.

#309

⇓

Lion McPoyle.

#310

⇓

Wh... Why are you on the stand?

#311

⇓

Because you said "his brother"

#312

⇓

and threw your big fake hand at me.

#313

⇓

- O... Okay. - Ryan's at home with Liam,

#314

⇓

taking care of his infected eye.

#315

⇓

Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,

#316

⇓

str... Strike that, uh, hand comment from the record.

#317

⇓

Uh, would you happen to know

#318

⇓

if Ryan stabbed his brother in the eye?

#319

⇓

Oh, yeah. I know. He totally did it.

#320

⇓

Well, then I guess

#321

⇓

we will never know, ladies and gentlemen.

#322

⇓

Uncle Jack, he just confessed!

#323

⇓

- He did? - Yes!

#324

⇓

Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam. I totally saw it.

#325

⇓

Oh, my God! We won!

#326

⇓

We... You did it.

#327

⇓

We did it. How did I do it?

#328

⇓

Lion, was Ryan drinking milk at the wedding?

#329

⇓

Of course. Everyone was.

#330

⇓

So who did the stabbing doesn't matter, Your Honor,

#331

⇓

because they were all still drugged

#332

⇓

on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,

#333

⇓

which is the point I've been trying to make the entire time.

#334

⇓

So just to be clear, you've proven my case.

#335

⇓

You lose.

#336

⇓

I can't follow any of this.

#337

⇓

- What? - Guys, I got it.

#338

⇓

You... You got what?

#339

⇓

I got the bombshell.

#340

⇓

Okay, Mr. McDonald,

#341

⇓

you recently found out some very interesting information.

#342

⇓

Care to share it with the court?

#343

⇓

Yes. I've recently been informed

#344

⇓

that Ryan McPoyle only drinks mother's milk!

#345

⇓

Which means there's no way

#346

⇓

he could have drank the milk that Bill spiked,

#347

⇓

which means he was sober when he attacked his brother,

#348

⇓

which means Bill is innocent!

#349

⇓

Case closed! Kaboom!

#350

⇓

Bombshell!

#351

⇓

I did it. I did it, black judge. I did it.

#352

⇓

Mr... Mr. McDonald, how did you come upon this information?

#353

⇓

- Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle. - I'm curious

#354

⇓

how she told you, because Margaret is a mute.

#355

⇓

Well, guess what, smart guy, I had her write it down.

#356

⇓

One more thing, Your Honor. Margaret, you carry a picture

#357

⇓

of Mother with you at all times, don't you?

#358

⇓

Do you mind showing that to the court?

#359

⇓

Your Honor,

#360

⇓

Mother is the name of the McPoyle family cow.

#361

⇓

The cow that provided the milk for the wedding.

#362

⇓

The milk that was drugged by...

#363

⇓

Bill Ponderosa.

#364

⇓

That mute bitch lied to me for sex.

#365

⇓

Bombshell diffused.

#366

⇓

Abramowitz!

#367

⇓

Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz.

#368

⇓

I found it on an ancestry Web site.

#369

⇓

That makes you a dirty liar because you are Jewish.

#370

⇓

Okay, I... That came out kind of bad.

#371

⇓

I... I'm not disgusted by the Jewish part.

#372

⇓

It's the... It's the lying part that I was talking about.

#373

⇓

This dirty liar is a Jew...

#374

⇓

Ish man.

#375

⇓

Recess?

#376

⇓

Oh, God!

#377

⇓

- Oh, that stupid Dee. - All right, calm down, calm down.

#378

⇓

Look, as the great Johnnie Cochran once said,

#379

⇓

if the glove doesn't fit, give up.

#380

⇓

- That's not what he said! That's not... - It...

#381

⇓

- How are you a lawyer, Jack? - All right...

#382

⇓

I mean, I know more than you. All right, look...

#383

⇓

- Watch your voice. Watch your voice. - Okay, okay, let's just...

#384

⇓

Let me do my bird thing. Okay, Bill,

#385

⇓

I want to do the bird thing. Can we just do it...

#386

⇓

Yeah, that's great. No, let's do the bird thing.

#387

⇓

- You're good with it now? Okay. - Love it, yeah.

#388

⇓

- Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with? - Shut up, bitch.

#389

⇓

Son? Your... This is... Your son is your dealer?

#390

⇓

He's reliable.

#391

⇓

Oh, God. Frank, what are you doing, man?

#392

⇓

- Come on, reign it in. - I paid for it.

#393

⇓

I'm gonna do it.

#394

⇓

Hey, fat ass, this asshole's short 30 bucks.

#395

⇓

Go steal another set of my golf clubs, you piece of shit.

#396

⇓

- you. - Piss off.

#397

⇓

Guys, guys, we're doing the bird theory, all right?

#398

⇓

- All right. All right. All right. - I'm taking the lead here, okay?

#399

⇓

- Yeah. - All right, let's do it. Birds on three.

#400

⇓

- One, two, three. Birds! - Those are just ridiculous, man.

#401

⇓

- It's like three hands... - Like eight hands out there. Yeah.

#402

⇓

Your Honor,

#403

⇓

this is the McPoyle family crest.

#404

⇓

On it you will find a bird...

#405

⇓

A Pocono swallow, to be more accurate.

#406

⇓

A very rare, very elusive bird.

#407

⇓

You'll notice its trademark

#408

⇓

unibrow, highly uncommon in most aviary circles.

#409

⇓

And my research shows

#410

⇓

that unlike your typical North American barn swallow,

#411

⇓

the Pocono swallow, if kept under the proper conditions,

#412

⇓

can live as long as 80 to even 85 years,

#413

⇓

much like a parrot

#414

⇓

or some of the more resilient coastal gulls.

#415

⇓

Your Honor, where is this going?

#416

⇓

I don't know, but it'd better lead somewhere fast.

#417

⇓

Your Honor, I can assure you

#418

⇓

that this will be our final argument.

#419

⇓

Well, if it's gonna help end all of this madness,

#420

⇓

I'll allow it.

#421

⇓

Thank you, Your Honor.

#422

⇓

Now, there was another member

#423

⇓

of the McPoyle family clan at the wedding

#424

⇓

the night of the incident.

#425

⇓

A member that none of us have met.

#426

⇓

Certainly not anyone on this side of the aisle.

#427

⇓

A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.

#428

⇓

A bird. The McPoyle family's

#429

⇓

pet Pocono swallow, and my research shows

#430

⇓

that this particular Pocono swallow

#431

⇓

has a history of violence.

#432

⇓

Look into the gallery, and you will see Royal's victims.

#433

⇓

It took Margaret's vocal cords in 1999,

#434

⇓

leaving her mute.

#435

⇓

Keith McPoyle lost his eyes and his ears

#436

⇓

to it in '76, and we all know

#437

⇓

that according to bird law, it's three strikes,

#438

⇓

and you're out.

#439

⇓

Bye, bye, birdie.

#440

⇓

Ready, boys and girls, because here's where it gets good.

#441

⇓

Ryan McPoyle didn't attack Liam. Royal did.

#442

⇓

And Lion was lying about Ryan attacking Liam

#443

⇓

to protect Royal from the chair.

#444

⇓

Or lethal injection.

#445

⇓

Or perhaps some sort of small bird guillotine.

#446

⇓

I wouldn't understand the physics of it.

#447

⇓

I'm not an executioner.

#448

⇓

I'm just the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.

#449

⇓

So, bottom line... And listen up, numbnuts,

#450

⇓

'cause it blows a hole in your case...

#451

⇓

Birds don't drink milk.

#452

⇓

Objection, Your Honor.

#453

⇓

There's no Royal McPoyle.

#454

⇓

Perhaps, or perhaps not.

#455

⇓

Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle to the stand.

#456

⇓

Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family.

#457

⇓

Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy.

#458

⇓

And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?

#459

⇓

Yeah. Yeah.

#460

⇓

I have seen...

#461

⇓

Raccoons and oysters dancing...

#462

⇓

In the head of a pin with the angels.

#463

⇓

They are laughing.

#464

⇓

All right, Your Honor,

#465

⇓

clearly, this witness is mentally unwell

#466

⇓

and cannot answer any of the questions properly...

#467

⇓

Uh, perhaps, Your Honor, or... Or perhaps it's just a cover.

#468

⇓

But it's quite all right.

#469

⇓

I don't have any further questions.

#470

⇓

Oh, except one more.

#471

⇓

Didn't the bailiff ask everyone to remove their hats?

#472

⇓

That is true.

#473

⇓

Mr. McPoyle,

#474

⇓

would you please remove your hat?

#475

⇓

- Hmm... - Mr. McPoyle, please remove your hat.

#476

⇓

Perhaps he is too insane to understand the question.

#477

⇓

Why don't I just...

#478

⇓

Ladies and gentlemen, Royal McPoyle.

#479

⇓

Chickadee, dee, dee, little birdie.

#480

⇓

Let's dance.

#481

⇓

Your Honor, this is Mr. Belka Maier.

#482

⇓

He's a professor of ornithology at the University of Penn.

#483

⇓

Mr. Maier, it's safe to say

#484

⇓

you're a bit of an expert on birds, yes?

#485

⇓

I believe you're correct.

#486

⇓

And you would understand this Pocono swallow quite well,

#487

⇓

- wouldn't you? - Yes, I do.

#488

⇓

Then please ask it if it attacked Liam!

#489

⇓

Ask... If... What?

#490

⇓

Mr. Maier, I would like you to please talk

#491

⇓

to the bird and say, "Did you attack Liam McPoyle?"

#492

⇓

I can't converse with... With a bird.

#493

⇓

Well, I thought you were an expert on birds.

#494

⇓

I am an expert on birds, but...

#495

⇓

Well, I need you to communicate with the bird.

#496

⇓

- This is very important, and I need to... - But it's a...

#497

⇓

Well, this is a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.

#498

⇓

Perhaps this man has lied about his credentials.

#499

⇓

Uh, fortunately, I am familiar with a little bit of pigeon.

#500

⇓

Perhaps I can get through to it in some way.

#501

⇓

Okay.

#502

⇓

Your Honor, this is nonsense.

#503

⇓

Look, kitty.

#504

⇓

Yeah, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty.

#505

⇓

Order.

#506

⇓

Your Honor, you've got a man speaking to a bird.

#507

⇓

And yet, you refuse to rule

#508

⇓

on me having to pay alimony to this cat.

#509

⇓

- What is this? - Order!

#510

⇓

It's a mockery of justice, Your Honor.

#511

⇓

This is ridiculous, and this...

#512

⇓

I said, order!

#513

⇓

He's talking to the pigeon!

#514

⇓

I'm not paying alimony to a goddamn cat!

#515

⇓

Order! I want order in this court!

#516

⇓

Fly, my pet!

#517

⇓

Fly!

#518

⇓

Bring me their eyes!

#519

⇓

Bring them to me!

#520

⇓

Oh!

#521

⇓

In my 35 years on this bench, I have never seen

#522

⇓

such a mockery made of this courtroom.

#523

⇓

You people have wasted my time,

#524

⇓

you've wasted the taxpayers' time,

#525

⇓

and this justice has heard enough.

#526

⇓

I am throwing this case out.

#527

⇓

I should've done it hours ago.

#528

⇓

He's throwing it out! That means we win!

#529

⇓

That means we win! That means we won!

#530

⇓

Damn, damn, damn!

#531

⇓

Order.

#532

⇓

- Eat that! - Damn it!

#533

⇓

Order!

#534

⇓

This court has ruled.

#535

⇓

Now, I suggest

#536

⇓

that you people get the hell out of my courtroom

#537

⇓

before I put you all in jail.

#538

⇓

- You got it! - Get out!

#539

⇓

Bailiff, next case.

#540

⇓

Ridiculous.

#541

⇓

We have Morgan State Delivery

#542

⇓

v. the proprietors of one Paddy's Pub.

#543

⇓

Oh! That's us. Yeah, that's us, Your Honor. Oh, that's us. Oh!

#544

⇓

Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.

#545

⇓

- All right. - Uh-uh!

#546

⇓