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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E07 — McPoyle vs. Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 7 — McPoyle vs. Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: McPoyle vs. Ponderosa: The Trial of the Century

Air date: February 17, 2016

Director: Todd Biermann

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Old grievances bubble to the surface when The Lawyer agrees to sue Bill Ponderosa on behalf of the Liam McPoyle and his lost eye.

Source: TMDB

↓

You really think Jackcan handle this case?

case handle

↓

Yeah, he's a lawyer.

lawyer

↓

Besides, Bill, you're broke.

besides bill broke

↓

He's the best lawyer you can afford.

afford best lawyer

↓

Yeah, Bill, you got to relax, okay? Uncle Jack

bill jack relax uncle uncle-jack

↓

and I... We got this case. Now... Now, listen to me.

case

↓

But... But I've done my research. I got something with this

research

↓

bird theory that's gonna blow the court away.

bird blow court theory

↓

I... I... I don't... I don't think we should pursue

pursue

↓

- this bird nonsense, Charlie. - Yes.

bird charlie nonsense

↓

- I... I'm well-versed in bird law. - Look,

bird

↓

This goes well, it's party time.

party

↓

What is that?

↓

- Is that... Is that drugs, Frank? - Yeah.

drugs frank

↓

No, dude, I need you keeping him clean,

clean keeping

↓

all right? That's why you're here.

↓

I got to have the drugs here

drugs

↓

to keep him clean.

clean

↓

Well, that doesn't make sense.

sense

↓

I... Get rid of the drugs, Frank.

drugs frank

↓

- I... I don't want that. - Hey, boys.

boys

↓

- You ready for the big show? - Yes, good, how you feeling?

feeling ready

↓

You good, you do your homework, you know your talking points?

homework points

↓

Yeah. Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, cool as a cucumber.

cool cucumber

↓

- You can... You can get off my back. - Well, don't sass me,

sass

↓

- I just... It was just a general - Well, then don't hound me.

general hound

↓

- question, Dee. - I'm just saying if you don't want sass,

question sass

↓

All right, whatever.

↓

Mac, why are you here?

↓

This is your big day, dude. McPoyle suing Ponderosa?

mcpoyle ponderosa suing

↓

It's huge, it's like the trial of the century.

century huge trial

↓

Come on, man, everybody's got a thing. Don't leave me out.

everybodys

↓

Frank's got a thing, Dee's got a thing. Dennis has got a thing.

dees dennis franks

↓

Dennis has a thing... What are you talking about?

dennis

↓

- Oh! - D... What are you doing here?

↓

There's got to be a way to get this court

court

↓

to let me out of my alimony payments.

alimony payments

↓

I mean, have you guys seen Maureen? The woman has gone

gone maureen seen woman

↓

I shouldn't have to pay for that,

↓

so I'm gonna talk to the judge, get him to throw it

judge throw

↓

on the docket, you know what I mean?

docket

↓

No, absolutely not.

absolutely

↓

Buddy, you don't have a case, okay?

buddy case

↓

You are not a lawyer.

lawyer

↓

Uncle Jack's just got you here handling

handling jacks uncle

↓

his papers for him 'cause he can't do it

papers

↓

'cause he's wearing those goddamn...

goddamn wearing

↓

Big hands over his hands.

hands

↓

- I don't know what that is. What is that? - I don't know what it is.

↓

All right, well, either way, this whole thing's gonna be

whole

↓

- No, it's gonna go fine. - No, it isn't.

↓

No, it's gonna be fine. This is hardly the trial

hardly trial

↓

On a scale of one to ten, how much sass

sass scale

↓

What's the Jew lawyer doing here?

lawyer

↓

Not Jewish, and even if I was,

jewish

↓

what difference would it make?

difference

↓

I meant that as a compliment.

compliment meant

↓

Everybody knows Jews are the best lawyers.

best everybody everybody-knows jews knows lawyers

↓

I can't wait to crush you people.

crush

↓

I'll be representing Liam McPoyle today.

liam mcpoyle representing today

↓

- Where is Liam? - Well, he actually got pinkeye

liam pinkeye

↓

in his one good eye.

↓

Well, in truth, someone named Doc McPoyle

mcpoyle named truth

↓

attempted to put some sort of healing milk in his pinkeye

attempted healing milk pinkeye

↓

and it got infected, but that doesn't matter.

infected matter

↓

The point is...

point

↓

You'll be dealing with me today.

dealing today

↓

And you'll be dealing with me today.

dealing today

↓

Jack Kelly, lawyer.

jack jack-kelly kelly lawyer

↓

Good to see you again.

↓

Are those fake hands?

fake hands

↓

You know what, good luck with all of that today.

luck today

↓

Did you see his hands? They're beautiful.

hands

↓

- I think we should settle. - What...

settle

↓

67th District Court is now in session.

court district session

↓

Judge Clarence Melvoy presiding.

clarence judge

↓

Please remove your hats and turn off your cell phones.

cell cell-phones hats phones remove

↓

Okay. We have McPoyle v. Ponderosa.

mcpoyle ponderosa

↓

Seeking damages for the loss of an eye in the form

damages form loss seeking

↓

of a one-time payment to the sum of...

payment

↓

$200.

↓

Are the plaintiffs present?

present

↓

I will be representing

representing

↓

the plaintiffs, Your Honor.

honor

↓

And I just, uh, wanted to say I'm very excited

excited wanted

↓

to be here. I do estate law,

estate

↓

and this is my first actual trial.

actual trial

↓

Uh, Your Honor, and if I may, uh, Charlie Kelly, cocounsel.

charlie charlie-kelly honor kelly

↓

Uh, background in bird law, uh...

background bird

↓

Yeah. But excited to be, uh, in the people's court

court excited peoples

↓

a... And a big fan of black judges,

black judges

↓

too. Stop touching me.

touching

↓

Okay. Look.

↓

I have a very long day ahead of me,

ahead

↓

so I'm gonna need to keep this thing moving.

moving

↓

The... The hammer? Do we... Is there a...

hammer

↓

Here we go?

↓

- Hey. - That's the...

↓

- Awesome. - Yeah.

awesome

↓

- It's cool, right? - Yeah, nice.

cool

↓

Your Honor,

honor

↓

Friday the 13th was a night of chaos.

chaos friday night

↓

Milk,

milk

↓

Bill Ponderosa,

bill bill-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

You might even refer to his family as...

family might refer

↓

...very creepy.

creepy

↓

But they are saints compared

compared saints

↓

to Bill Ponderosa

bill bill-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

and the sordid lot of degenerates

degenerates

↓

he associates with.

associates

↓

Terrible people who ruin lives.

lives ruin

↓

Ruined mine, cost my client his marriage,

client cost marriage ruined

↓

You know what...

↓

I'm gonna sit down.

↓

I'm done.

↓

They just do this to me, okay?

↓

You get the point.

point

↓

Uh, Your Honor, I'll... I'll, uh,

honor

↓

I'll keep it brief.

brief

↓

Uh, one.

↓

Liam McPoyle has a history of lying.

history liam lying mcpoyle

↓

Two. My client is a loving

client loving

↓

Deandra Reynolds,

deandra deandra-reynolds reynolds

↓

But you didn't actually see him do it, did you?

↓

- No, I did not. - So is it possible that,

possible

↓

given the traumatic nature of the evening,

evening given nature traumatic

↓

that you don't remember the evening

evening remember

↓

- all that well? - Yes, that's correct.

correct

↓

My car was destroyed and I was locked into a freezer.

destroyed freezer locked

↓

My memory was clouded by rage,

memory rage

↓

and so I misremembered the incident.

incident

↓

An understandable mistake. Could happen to any one of us.

happen mistake understandable

↓

For example, you remember me, possibly,

example possibly remember

↓

as a man with small hands.

hands

↓

Yeah, you think...

↓

- What... - You think, "He had small hands."

hands

↓

Do you remember that?

remember

↓

Yeah, sure, okay.

↓

What you remember is false.

false remember

↓

- O... Okay. - Yup.

↓

Big, masculine.

masculine

↓

My hands tell a story

hands story

↓

of greatness.

greatness

↓

- And when you look at my right hand... - I'm gonna st...

hand

↓

Uh, uh, I'm gonna stop you

↓

right now. Are you just gonna

↓

talk about your hands for a while?

hands

↓

Uh, no, Your Honor.

honor

↓

Deandra,

deandra

↓

here is the statement that you gave

statement

↓

to police.

police

↓

"Bill did it. That goddamn drug addict

addict bill drug drug-addict goddamn

↓

He's guilty, guilty, guilty."

guilty

↓

Uh...

↓

Have you ever had sex

↓

with Bill before?

bill

↓

Yeah.

↓

Yes, sure. Because we... We were...

↓

We had a... We were sort of...

↓

We were lovers for a little...

lovers

↓

One of his prostitutes, right.

prostitutes

↓

Prostitutes?

prostitutes

↓

Um, I have a receipt for a mink coat,

coat mink mink-coat receipt

↓

recently purchased by a Bill Ponderosa

bill bill-ponderosa ponderosa purchased recently

↓

to be delivered to a Dee Reynolds.

delivered reynolds

↓

A gift?

gift

↓

Yes. I had a birthday.

birthday

↓

Six months ago.

months

↓

- Uh... - Are you aware

aware

↓

that the coat was purchased

coat purchased

↓

at Doyle McPoyle's Trappings and Fur?

doyle mcpoyles

↓

- No. - Or that the coat

coat

↓

was not made of mink at all

mink

↓

but rather made of... Muskrat?

↓

Muskrat? Goddamn muskrat? Are you kidding me,

goddamn kidding

↓

Bill? Okay, you know what, fine, he spiked it.

bill spiked

↓

I'm sorry. What did you say?

↓

No further questions, Your Honor.

further honor questions

↓

Ma'am, do you know what perjury is?

maam

↓

Mm-hmm.

↓

Oh, this is terrible.

↓

- Well, he shouldn't be... - This is terrible.

↓

Wow, you guys are getting crushed in there.

crushed

↓

Yeah. Oh, I know. Hey, thanks, Mac. Hi. Great.

thanks

↓

Hey, you know, I feel like I'm not being utilized properly.

properly

↓

Well, that's 'cause you don't have anything.

↓

So you're not being utilized at all.

↓

Yeah, but what if I get to deliver the bombshell?

bombshell deliver

↓

- Oh. - What bombshell?

bombshell

↓

You guys don't have a bombshell? Oh, my God.

bombshell

↓

Every good case needs a bombshell.

bombshell case needs

↓

Oh, Jesus Christ, and, without it, you're screwed.

christ jesus jesus-christ screwed

↓

- You know what, you know what? - Okay.

↓

I'll find one for you. I'm gonna do, like, a hero cop,

hero

↓

- Mark Fuhrman thing... - Oh, Mark Furhman.

mark

↓

And then sort of transition into a Kato Kaelin.

transition

↓

Yeah, I wish you would do none of it.

wish

↓

- Okay. All right. Cool. - I wish you'd do none of it, man.

cool wish

↓

- I'm on it, I'm on it. - Okay. All right.

↓

Ah, why can't people just stay out of this?

↓

- Yeah, look, there's potentially... - That... That's my bird expert.

bird expert potentially

↓

He's from Penn. The guy... Like, he's totally official, okay?

official penn

↓

Let me do the bird thing. He's an ornithologist.

bird

↓

I don't think it's a good...

↓

- I'm gonna kill, man. - I know, but, Charlie, I'm just...

charlie kill

↓

- Uncle Jack, put me back on the stand. - What?

jack stand uncle uncle-jack

↓

No, we cannot. Are you kidding me?

cannot kidding

↓

You're lucky you didn't get sent to jail.

jail lucky sent

↓

Yeah, I know. But I think this could work.

↓

I'm gonna say I found some bullshit online

bullshit found online

↓

- that proves that lawyer's Jewish. - Oh.

jewish lawyers proves

↓

- So what? - So what? He'll be a laughingstock.

↓

- Yes. Yes. - Right?

↓

Because the man is Jewish?

jewish

↓

- No. What? No. Not because he's... - Well, that's what

↓

it sounds like you're saying.

sounds

↓

N... Not because he's Jewish. Because he's a liar

jewish liar

↓

and because he's embarrassed about being Jewish.

embarrassed jewish

↓

I mean, what is that?

↓

Dee, you blew it. Like, big-time.

blew

↓

I wish you guys would just stay out of this.

wish

↓

I... I didn't... I... I...

↓

Maureen, you are the sister of Bill Ponderosa,

bill bill-ponderosa maureen ponderosa sister

↓

and it was at your wedding that Liam got attacked?

attacked liam wedding

↓

- Meow. - Mmm.

meow

↓

Your Honor, nothing represents the tragic aftermath

honor represents tragic

↓

more than the dramatic transformation of this woman...

dramatic transformation woman

↓

- Uh, cat. - Excuse me?

excuse

↓

As I transition from woman to cat,

transition woman

↓

I must insist on being referred to as a cat.

insist must referred

↓

Objection. She's not a cat, Your Honor.

honor objection

↓

If the witness wants to consider herself a cat, I will allow it.

allow consider wants witness

↓

I just need to know where all this is headed.

headed

↓

How is this relevant?

relevant

↓

Well, it's clearly relevant

relevant

↓

the attack had a psychological impact

attack impact psychological

↓

on all the parties that evening.

evening parties

↓

No further questions.

further questions

↓

Y... Your Honor, do you see what's going on here? This is crazy.

crazy honor

↓

You know what, I'm gonna...

↓

- I'm gonna approach the bench. - No.

approach bench

↓

- Can I just approach it real fast? - Absolutely not.

absolutely approach fast real real-fast

↓

All right, earlier, you... You referred to my ex-wife as a cat,

referred wife

↓

per her request. Uh, now, surely, you wouldn't force a man

force request surely

↓

to pay alimony to a cat, right?

alimony

↓

So motion to establish me not having to pay alimony anymore.

alimony anymore establish having motion

↓

I will not allow that.

allow

↓

Okay, well, so can we just... We'll pop it on the docket?

docket

↓

We can put it at the end of the day if you want.

↓

I just want to clear it up while I got her in a courtroom.

clear courtroom

↓

I will not allow that, either. Sit down.

allow

↓

Now you don't allow something. Now you don't allow something!

allow

↓

Allow all this. You gonna allow that?

allow

↓

You know? But you don't... Okay, I'm good. Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Frank,

frank

↓

- did you go to the wedding? - I did.

wedding

↓

And I snuck Ryan up in the trunk of my car.

ryan snuck trunk

↓

He hadn't been invited to the wedding, on account of the beef with Liam.

account beef invited liam wedding

↓

And I had him in the trunk of the car,

trunk

↓

on account of I didn't want to sit with him

account

↓

- 'cause he's gross. - Right.

gross

↓

And, uh, uh,

↓

what did Ryan say to you when you got to the wedding?

ryan wedding

↓

"I'm gonna kill Maureen Ponderosa."

kill maureen maureen-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

So, if there's someone to point the finger at, it would be...

finger point

↓

His brother!

brother

↓

Oh, my God! Oh, my God, nobody look!

nobody

↓

Nobody look! Nobody look!

nobody

↓

Nobody look! Nobody look!

nobody

↓

Nobody look!

nobody

↓

Now, you've stabbed

stabbed

↓

your brother before, correct?

brother correct

↓

Oh, sure.

↓

And you were upset at the wedding.

upset wedding

↓

So it's not crazy for me to ask you this.

crazy

↓

Ryan McPoyle, did you attack your brother at the wedding?

attack brother mcpoyle ryan wedding

↓

Oh. I'm not Ryan.

ryan

↓

- What, you're not? - Nope.

nope

↓

I'm Lion. Like the animal.

animal lion

↓

Lion McPoyle.

lion mcpoyle

↓

Wh... Why are you on the stand?

stand

↓

Because you said "his brother"

brother

↓

and threw your big fake hand at me.

fake hand threw

↓

- O... Okay. - Ryan's at home with Liam,

home liam ryans

↓

taking care of his infected eye.

care infected

↓

Okay, uh, uh, boy, let's, uh,

↓

str... Strike that, uh, hand comment from the record.

comment hand record strike

↓

Uh, would you happen to know

happen

↓

if Ryan stabbed his brother in the eye?

brother ryan stabbed

↓

Oh, yeah. I know. He totally did it.

↓

Well, then I guess

↓

we will never know, ladies and gentlemen.

gentlemen ladies

↓

Uncle Jack, he just confessed!

confessed jack uncle uncle-jack

↓

- He did? - Yes!

↓

Yeah, Ryan stabbed Liam. I totally saw it.

liam ryan stabbed

↓

Oh, my God! We won!

↓

We... You did it.

↓

We did it. How did I do it?

↓

Lion, was Ryan drinking milk at the wedding?

drinking lion milk ryan wedding

↓

Of course. Everyone was.

course

↓

So who did the stabbing doesn't matter, Your Honor,

honor matter stabbing

↓

because they were all still drugged

drugged

↓

on Bill Ponderosa's spiked milk,

bill milk ponderosas spiked

↓

which is the point I've been trying to make the entire time.

entire point

↓

So just to be clear, you've proven my case.

case clear proven

↓

You lose.

lose

↓

I can't follow any of this.

follow

↓

- What? - Guys, I got it.

↓

You... You got what?

↓

I got the bombshell.

bombshell

↓

Okay, Mr. McDonald,

mcdonald

↓

you recently found out some very interesting information.

found information interesting recently

↓

Care to share it with the court?

care court share

↓

Yes. I've recently been informed

informed recently

↓

that Ryan McPoyle only drinks mother's milk!

drinks mcpoyle milk mothers mothers-milk ryan

↓

Which means there's no way

↓

he could have drank the milk that Bill spiked,

bill drank milk spiked

↓

which means he was sober when he attacked his brother,

attacked brother sober

↓

which means Bill is innocent!

bill innocent

↓

Case closed! Kaboom!

case case-closed closed

↓

Bombshell!

bombshell

↓

I did it. I did it, black judge. I did it.

black judge

↓

Mr... Mr. McDonald, how did you come upon this information?

information mcdonald

↓

- Oh, I banged Margaret McPoyle. - I'm curious

banged curious margaret mcpoyle

↓

how she told you, because Margaret is a mute.

margaret mute

↓

Well, guess what, smart guy, I had her write it down.

smart write

↓

One more thing, Your Honor. Margaret, you carry a picture

carry honor margaret picture

↓

of Mother with you at all times, don't you?

mother times

↓

Do you mind showing that to the court?

court mind showing

↓

Your Honor,

honor

↓

Mother is the name of the McPoyle family cow.

family mcpoyle mcpoyle-family mother name

↓

The cow that provided the milk for the wedding.

milk provided wedding

↓

The milk that was drugged by...

drugged milk

↓

Bill Ponderosa.

bill bill-ponderosa ponderosa

↓

That mute bitch lied to me for sex.

bitch lied mute

↓

Bombshell diffused.

bombshell

↓

Abramowitz!

↓

Your great-grandmother's last name was Abramowitz.

grandmothers name

↓

I found it on an ancestry Web site.

found site

↓

That makes you a dirty liar because you are Jewish.

dirty jewish liar makes

↓

Okay, I... That came out kind of bad.

↓

I... I'm not disgusted by the Jewish part.

disgusted jewish part

↓

It's the... It's the lying part that I was talking about.

lying part

↓

This dirty liar is a Jew...

dirty liar

↓

Ish man.

↓

Recess?

recess

↓

Oh, God!

↓

- Oh, that stupid Dee. - All right, calm down, calm down.

calm stupid

↓

Look, as the great Johnnie Cochran once said,

cochran johnnie johnnie-cochran

↓

if the glove doesn't fit, give up.

glove

↓

- That's not what he said! That's not... - It...

↓

- How are you a lawyer, Jack? - All right...

jack lawyer

↓

I mean, I know more than you. All right, look...

↓

- Watch your voice. Watch your voice. - Okay, okay, let's just...

voice watch

↓

Let me do my bird thing. Okay, Bill,

bill bird

↓

I want to do the bird thing. Can we just do it...

bird

↓

Yeah, that's great. No, let's do the bird thing.

bird

↓

- You're good with it now? Okay. - Love it, yeah.

love

↓

- Jesus, son, what'd you cut this with? - Shut up, bitch.

bitch jesus whatd

↓

Son? Your... This is... Your son is your dealer?

dealer

↓

He's reliable.

reliable

↓

Oh, God. Frank, what are you doing, man?

frank

↓

- Come on, reign it in. - I paid for it.

paid reign

↓

I'm gonna do it.

↓

Hey, fat ass, this asshole's short 30 bucks.

assholes bucks short

↓

Go steal another set of my golf clubs, you piece of shit.

another clubs golf golf-clubs piece steal

↓

- you. - Piss off.

piss

↓

Guys, guys, we're doing the bird theory, all right?

bird theory

↓

- All right. All right. All right. - I'm taking the lead here, okay?

lead

↓

- Yeah. - All right, let's do it. Birds on three.

birds three

↓

- One, two, three. Birds! - Those are just ridiculous, man.

birds ridiculous three

↓

- It's like three hands... - Like eight hands out there. Yeah.

eight hands three

↓

Your Honor,

honor

↓

this is the McPoyle family crest.

family mcpoyle mcpoyle-family

↓

On it you will find a bird...

bird

↓

A Pocono swallow, to be more accurate.

accurate pocono pocono-swallow swallow

↓

A very rare, very elusive bird.

bird rare

↓

You'll notice its trademark

notice

↓

unibrow, highly uncommon in most aviary circles.

circles highly uncommon

↓

And my research shows

research shows

↓

that unlike your typical North American barn swallow,

american barn north swallow typical unlike

↓

the Pocono swallow, if kept under the proper conditions,

conditions pocono pocono-swallow proper swallow

↓

can live as long as 80 to even 85 years,

live years

↓

much like a parrot

parrot

↓

or some of the more resilient coastal gulls.

gulls

↓

Your Honor, where is this going?

honor

↓

I don't know, but it'd better lead somewhere fast.

fast lead

↓

Your Honor, I can assure you

assure honor

↓

that this will be our final argument.

argument final

↓

Well, if it's gonna help end all of this madness,

madness

↓

I'll allow it.

allow

↓

Thank you, Your Honor.

honor

↓

Now, there was another member

another member

↓

of the McPoyle family clan at the wedding

family mcpoyle mcpoyle-family wedding

↓

the night of the incident.

incident night

↓

A member that none of us have met.

member

↓

Certainly not anyone on this side of the aisle.

aisle certainly side

↓

A one Mr. Royal McPoyle.

mcpoyle royal

↓

A bird. The McPoyle family's

bird familys mcpoyle

↓

pet Pocono swallow, and my research shows

pocono pocono-swallow research shows swallow

↓

that this particular Pocono swallow

particular pocono pocono-swallow swallow

↓

has a history of violence.

history violence

↓

Look into the gallery, and you will see Royal's victims.

gallery victims

↓

It took Margaret's vocal cords in 1999,

cords vocal

↓

leaving her mute.

leaving mute

↓

Keith McPoyle lost his eyes and his ears

ears eyes keith lost mcpoyle

↓

to it in '76, and we all know

↓

that according to bird law, it's three strikes,

according bird strikes three

↓

and you're out.

↓

Bye, bye, birdie.

birdie

↓

Ready, boys and girls, because here's where it gets good.

boys girls ready

↓

Ryan McPoyle didn't attack Liam. Royal did.

attack liam mcpoyle royal ryan

↓

And Lion was lying about Ryan attacking Liam

attacking liam lion lying ryan

↓

to protect Royal from the chair.

chair protect royal

↓

Or lethal injection.

injection lethal

↓

Or perhaps some sort of small bird guillotine.

bird perhaps

↓

I wouldn't understand the physics of it.

physics

↓

I'm not an executioner.

↓

I'm just the best goddamn bird lawyer in the world.

best bird goddamn lawyer world

↓

So, bottom line... And listen up, numbnuts,

bottom bottom-line line numbnuts

↓

'cause it blows a hole in your case...

blows case hole

↓

Birds don't drink milk.

birds drink milk

↓

Objection, Your Honor.

honor objection

↓

There's no Royal McPoyle.

mcpoyle royal

↓

Perhaps, or perhaps not.

perhaps

↓

Your Honor, I call Pappy McPoyle to the stand.

honor mcpoyle stand

↓

Pappy McPoyle, patriarch of the McPoyle family.

family mcpoyle mcpoyle-family

↓

Royal was your pet bird. You've had him since you were a boy.

bird royal

↓

And isn't it true that you never go anywhere without him?

↓

Yeah. Yeah.

↓

I have seen...

seen

↓

Raccoons and oysters dancing...

dancing oysters raccoons

↓

In the head of a pin with the angels.

angels head

↓

They are laughing.

laughing

↓

All right, Your Honor,

honor

↓

clearly, this witness is mentally unwell

mentally witness

↓

and cannot answer any of the questions properly...

answer cannot properly questions

↓

Uh, perhaps, Your Honor, or... Or perhaps it's just a cover.

cover honor perhaps

↓

But it's quite all right.

↓

I don't have any further questions.

further questions

↓

Oh, except one more.

except

↓

Didn't the bailiff ask everyone to remove their hats?

hats remove

↓

That is true.

↓

Mr. McPoyle,

mcpoyle

↓

would you please remove your hat?

remove

↓

- Hmm... - Mr. McPoyle, please remove your hat.

mcpoyle remove

↓

Perhaps he is too insane to understand the question.

insane perhaps question

↓

Why don't I just...

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, Royal McPoyle.

gentlemen ladies mcpoyle royal

↓

Chickadee, dee, dee, little birdie.

birdie

↓

Let's dance.

dance

↓

Your Honor, this is Mr. Belka Maier.

honor

↓

He's a professor of ornithology at the University of Penn.

penn professor university

↓

Mr. Maier, it's safe to say

safe

↓

you're a bit of an expert on birds, yes?

birds expert

↓

I believe you're correct.

believe correct

↓

And you would understand this Pocono swallow quite well,

pocono pocono-swallow swallow

↓

- wouldn't you? - Yes, I do.

↓

Then please ask it if it attacked Liam!

attacked liam

↓

Ask... If... What?

↓

Mr. Maier, I would like you to please talk

↓

to the bird and say, "Did you attack Liam McPoyle?"

attack bird liam mcpoyle

↓

I can't converse with... With a bird.

bird

↓

Well, I thought you were an expert on birds.

birds expert

↓

I am an expert on birds, but...

birds expert

↓

Well, I need you to communicate with the bird.

bird communicate

↓

- This is very important, and I need to... - But it's a...

↓

Well, this is a bit embarrassing, Your Honor.

embarrassing honor

↓

Perhaps this man has lied about his credentials.

lied perhaps

↓

Uh, fortunately, I am familiar with a little bit of pigeon.

familiar fortunately pigeon

↓

Perhaps I can get through to it in some way.

perhaps

↓

Okay.

↓

Your Honor, this is nonsense.

honor nonsense

↓

Look, kitty.

kitty

↓

Yeah, kitty. Chase the laser beam, kitty.

beam chase kitty laser laser-beam

↓

Order.

order

↓

Your Honor, you've got a man speaking to a bird.

bird honor speaking

↓

And yet, you refuse to rule

refuse rule

↓

on me having to pay alimony to this cat.

alimony having

↓

- What is this? - Order!

order

↓

It's a mockery of justice, Your Honor.

honor justice mockery

↓

This is ridiculous, and this...

ridiculous

↓

I said, order!

order

↓

He's talking to the pigeon!

pigeon

↓

I'm not paying alimony to a goddamn cat!

alimony goddamn paying paying-alimony

↓

Order! I want order in this court!

court order

↓

Fly, my pet!

↓

Fly!

↓

Bring me their eyes!

bring eyes

↓

Bring them to me!

bring

↓

Oh!

↓

In my 35 years on this bench, I have never seen

bench seen years

↓

such a mockery made of this courtroom.

courtroom mockery

↓

You people have wasted my time,

wasted

↓

you've wasted the taxpayers' time,

wasted

↓

and this justice has heard enough.

heard justice

↓

I am throwing this case out.

case throwing

↓

I should've done it hours ago.

hours shouldve

↓

He's throwing it out! That means we win!

throwing

↓

That means we win! That means we won!

↓

Damn, damn, damn!

↓

Order.

order

↓

- Eat that! - Damn it!

↓

Order!

order

↓

This court has ruled.

court ruled

↓

Now, I suggest

suggest

↓

that you people get the hell out of my courtroom

courtroom

↓

before I put you all in jail.

jail

↓

- You got it! - Get out!

↓

Bailiff, next case.

case

↓

Ridiculous.

ridiculous

↓

We have Morgan State Delivery

delivery morgan state

↓

v. the proprietors of one Paddy's Pub.

paddys

↓

Oh! That's us. Yeah, that's us, Your Honor. Oh, that's us. Oh!

honor

↓

Oh, hell no! Uh-uh.

↓

- All right. - Uh-uh!