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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
» S11E08 — Charlie Catches a Leprechaun
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Season 11, Episode 8 — Charlie Catches a Leprechaun
Okay, gather round, everybody.
#1
⇓
Gather round, please.
#2
⇓
Yeah, I have a presentation.
#3
⇓
Now, because of everyone's A.D.D., I know I'm gonna
#4
⇓
lose your attention in about three minutes,
#5
⇓
- and Frank's gonna fall asleep. - No way.
#6
⇓
I slept 26 hours last night.
#7
⇓
You still seem sleepy. Can I start my presentation?
#8
⇓
- Where's the easel? - I'm not using an easel. Don't interrupt.
#9
⇓
- You want me to go get the projector? - No, I don't want the projector.
#10
⇓
- And I don't want the easel. - What are you gonna point with?
#11
⇓
Don't want whatever the hell you're gonna say.
#12
⇓
It's all gonna be old and outdated, all right?
#13
⇓
Let me start my presentation, which is actually about that.
#14
⇓
It's about innovation. Not taking questions. Goddamn.
#15
⇓
Let me do my thing. Stop interrupting.
#16
⇓
Okay, so, um, as we all know, um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,
#17
⇓
traditionally our most profitable day.
#18
⇓
However, recently, profits have been declining.
#19
⇓
Every year. And we need to change.
#20
⇓
These days, people like to have things on demand.
#23
⇓
Instead of having to go to a bar,
#24
⇓
we will bring the bar to you.
#25
⇓
Oh, is that, like, a car service type of thing?
#26
⇓
Where we pick people up and take 'em around from bar to bar
#27
⇓
and jack up the prices?
#28
⇓
The Paddy's wagon is the bar.
#30
⇓
No, Dennis. If we want to make money,
#31
⇓
we need to honor ancient Irish traditions,
#32
⇓
like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people
#33
⇓
who are genetically predisposed to having alcohol problems.
#34
⇓
Right. St. Patrick started that tradition,
#35
⇓
and that's why we celebrate him today.
#36
⇓
Yeah... No, that's not what he did.
#37
⇓
He played the flute for some kids,
#38
⇓
and then he lured them into a cave somewhere,
#39
⇓
- and he diddled them. - Nah.
#40
⇓
- You got him mixed up with the Pied Piper. - Right.
#41
⇓
St. Patrick didn't play the flute.
#42
⇓
He drove the kids out of Ireland.
#43
⇓
And then he molested 'em.
#44
⇓
No, no, if St. Patrick molested kids,
#45
⇓
- he would be regarded as a scoundrel. - No, no, no.
#46
⇓
I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church,
#47
⇓
pedophiles were regarded as heroes.
#48
⇓
All right, look, guys, uh,
#49
⇓
- He drove the snakes out of Ireland. - I don't know about all this.
#51
⇓
I kind of want to just do the traditional thing
#52
⇓
- and trying to catch the leprechaun. - No!
#54
⇓
We don't want to do the leprechaun thing again.
#55
⇓
- Stop, guys... - I'm gonna catch one.
#56
⇓
- I'm this close. - You're not gonna catch him
#57
⇓
You know what... I don't even know
#59
⇓
if I've set up my glue traps for him yet.
#60
⇓
Enough with the leprechaun!
#61
⇓
- Can you believe him? - Okay, wait.
#62
⇓
- Who cares? I'm trying to... - You know what
#63
⇓
I might want to get myself a flute.
#64
⇓
I feel like it's a really fun...
#66
⇓
Go get a flute!
#68
⇓
Everybody go get a flute!
#69
⇓
...in the sixth grade, I feel like it's kind of simple.
#70
⇓
Frank, look...
#71
⇓
Let me explain it to you, at least.
#72
⇓
No, he's gone.
#73
⇓
Okay.
#74
⇓
So, Frank... here's the plan.
#75
⇓
We're gonna fill the wagon with hip, attractive clientele.
#76
⇓
We're gonna use my streamlined system to process drink orders.
#77
⇓
We're gonna take photographs with a retro filter for the Web site.
#78
⇓
to comment and spread brand awareness
#80
⇓
over various social media platforms.
#81
⇓
That seems insanely complicated. Why don't we just take cash?
#82
⇓
No. What I'm talking about's way simpler than cash.
#83
⇓
It's... It's streamlined.
#84
⇓
- I'm lost. - I'm trying to explain it to you.
#85
⇓
- I feel like you're not listening. - I...
#86
⇓
Top o' the morning, you filthy lads.
#87
⇓
I'm fixing to have a whale of a time in this here mobile pub.
#88
⇓
I'm sorry... What is this?
#89
⇓
Yeah. Why?
#91
⇓
- 'Cause it's fun. - No.
#92
⇓
I thought that's the thing about St. Patrick's Day...
#93
⇓
People want clownery and they want to embrace
#94
⇓
- the Irish stereotypes. - No. This isn't innovative.
#95
⇓
It's outdated and it's gonna offend people.
#96
⇓
Okay, Frank, look... No guns.
#98
⇓
Okay, trust me, I got this.
#100
⇓
- Frank, you're gonna drive. - Drive.
#101
⇓
Dee, you're gonna serve drinks.
#102
⇓
As a human being. A real one.
#103
⇓
- Mmm. - Guys, I'm gonna provide...
#104
⇓
the experience.
#105
⇓
Ooh.
#106
⇓
- Okay. - Yeah, right?
#107
⇓
- Yeah, I like this. - Nice.
#108
⇓
See, I told you. I know what I'm doing.
#109
⇓
Come on, let's go.
#110
⇓
Frank, you're driving.
#111
⇓
Ho! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff.
#113
⇓
Great. Why?
#115
⇓
The snakes, 'cause we... I don't remember
#116
⇓
where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes were involved.
#117
⇓
And the green paint's for the beer.
#118
⇓
But why not just use food coloring for the beer?
#120
⇓
'Cause beer's not a food.
#121
⇓
When was the last time you ate a beer?
#122
⇓
When was the last time you drank paint?
#123
⇓
Have you been drinking paint?
#124
⇓
No.
#125
⇓
Let me see your tongue.
#126
⇓
Oh, my God, dude!
#127
⇓
- Oh, that shit's disgusting! - It's not bad.
#128
⇓
- You can't drink paint. - I know. I hear you.
#129
⇓
You say that, but I don't think that you're gonna stop.
#130
⇓
I get it, though, man. It's right.
#131
⇓
I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.
#132
⇓
- It's cool. - It's not cool.
#133
⇓
- It is what it is. - Oh, my God,
#134
⇓
this is so frustrating!
#135
⇓
I'm gonna go down to the basement
#136
⇓
and I'm gonna check out my glue traps
#137
⇓
- and see if I got a leprechaun in there. - Wait, no, no.
#138
⇓
We said no leprechaun this year.
#139
⇓
You're not chasing leprechauns.
#140
⇓
I know, and I forgot where we landed on that.
#141
⇓
I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so...
#142
⇓
It's a frustrating thing. It's like the guy doesn't
#144
⇓
listen to us, man, when we're trying to get through to him.
#145
⇓
It's a bummer.
#146
⇓
No, not you. Keep moving, let's go,
#147
⇓
come on. You kidding me?
#148
⇓
Oh, hey, there, fellas.
#149
⇓
What's going on? Where you going? You know what?
#150
⇓
Don't answer that. Because I already know.
#151
⇓
You're going for a ride in the Paddy's Wagon.
#152
⇓
Oh, cool. Is this, like, a car service thing?
#153
⇓
Can you take us to Center City?
#154
⇓
No, it's not a goddamn car service. Why does everyone...
#155
⇓
Get in that wagon right now or I'm gonna
#156
⇓
sock you a good one right in the kisser!
#157
⇓
Yeah, you dumb bi...
#158
⇓
- What the hell are you doing? - Just innovating.
#159
⇓
I took the Paddy's wig and I cut it into an awesome beard.
#160
⇓
- Great new character. - No.
#161
⇓
- Hilarious. - You've just created another
#162
⇓
The Fighting Irish... it's true.
#164
⇓
That's what Irish people do.
#165
⇓
They get drunk, they fight people.
#166
⇓
Look, guys, don't pay attention to her.
#167
⇓
I want to give you an authentic, uh,
#168
⇓
once-in-a-lifetime experience here.
#169
⇓
No, no. It's not a bang bus, okay?
#171
⇓
Look... Just get in the wagon,
#172
⇓
- I'll give you a ride to Center City. - Get in.
#173
⇓
Gentlemen, let me walk you through how our simple business works.
#174
⇓
God, take it easy, Frank!
#175
⇓
Don't tell me how to drive, you bitch.
#176
⇓
Let's keep it light for the customers, all right, Frank?
#177
⇓
As I was saying, fellas, what you're gonna
#178
⇓
need to do is you, uh, you're gonna
#179
⇓
log in using Facebook, and you're gonna watch
#181
⇓
a brief, 30-second advertisement.
#182
⇓
And then once we receive your online order,
#183
⇓
you will promptly be served a beer.
#184
⇓
- Can't I just pay you cash? - That's what I...
#185
⇓
No, cash is the way that antiquated companies do business.
#186
⇓
I just want a beer. I don't really
#187
⇓
want you to have all my personal information.
#188
⇓
"A beer. Just want a beer. Don't want you to have my..."
#189
⇓
Yeah.
#190
⇓
Look, if I just gave you a beer and you just gave me cash,
#191
⇓
then you wouldn't be able to experience
#192
⇓
everything that we've got to offer here, okay?
#193
⇓
Look, I'll show you. Let me just pull up my...
#194
⇓
But, uh, can't get the goddamn thing to go online.
#196
⇓
Dee, why don't you just give 'em a couple free beers?
#198
⇓
We'll call 'em "freemiums."
#199
⇓
Don't know if you're familiar with that term.
#200
⇓
- This is like all foam. - Dee, you goddamn bitch!
#201
⇓
Hey! Oh, this thing's bouncing around
#202
⇓
like a pinball. Don't blame me.
#203
⇓
Keep it light, you bitch!
#204
⇓
- All right. - This is weird.
#205
⇓
Hey, it's locked. Can you guys let us out?
#207
⇓
Why would you call the cops? We're just hanging out!
#209
⇓
All right, stop. All right, oh, oh, oh, oh. Push "end." End.
#210
⇓
Give the phones to the girl.
#211
⇓
Let's go. I don't want to have to do this shit.
#212
⇓
Frank, we got to pivot the business.
#213
⇓
Mmm-hmm.
#214
⇓
Come on, get the hell out. Everybody out.
#215
⇓
Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out.
#216
⇓
All right.
#217
⇓
Don't worry. We're gonna mail your phones back to you,
#218
⇓
but we're gonna need your addresses, so fork over your I.D.s.
#219
⇓
- Let's go. Come on. - And their money.
#220
⇓
We can't have 'em cabbing it back to the city
#221
⇓
and going straight to the cops.
#222
⇓
God damn it. That's a good point.
#223
⇓
You know what? Dee, collect their wallets.
#224
⇓
Don't worry, guys. We're not thieves. You'll get your wallets back, too.
#225
⇓
- Yeah. - Don't be babies.
#226
⇓
Come on, guys, let's go.
#227
⇓
- Let's go. - Shut the doors.
#228
⇓
Did we just kidnap and rob those guys?
#229
⇓
We just drove the snakes out of Philly,
#230
⇓
the way St. Patrick did.
#231
⇓
Oh!
#232
⇓
So, what you're saying is, technically, we gave those guys
#233
⇓
a very authentic St. Paddy's Day experience.
#234
⇓
- Oh. - Yeah.
#235
⇓
- Nice. - In a way.
#236
⇓
Oh. All right.
#237
⇓
- That's good. That's good. - Yeah.
#238
⇓
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.
#239
⇓
Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?
#240
⇓
Hey, Mac, somebody stole my damn wallet.
#241
⇓
- What? - Beat it, Mauricio!
#242
⇓
I need to talk to Mac.
#243
⇓
Charlie, where have you been?
#244
⇓
I can't run the bar by myself and do security.
#245
⇓
People are getting their wallets stolen.
#246
⇓
Okay, uh, look, just come to the basement with me really quick.
#247
⇓
God damn it! All right. Attention, everybody.
#248
⇓
Irish honor system. Please serve yourselves.
#249
⇓
Put the money in the bucket. Thank you.
#250
⇓
I don't think the Irish honor system's a thing.
#251
⇓
Oh, it's a thing. It's an ancient Irish tradition.
#252
⇓
Know your history. What could possibly be so important?
#253
⇓
Charlie... what the hell am I looking at?
#254
⇓
I caught him.
#255
⇓
I caught that son of a bitch.
#256
⇓
I think you've kidnapped a little person.
#257
⇓
Huh?
#258
⇓
Nah... nah, nah. First of all, I've captured a leprechaun, okay?
#259
⇓
You wouldn't say, "I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?
#260
⇓
You'd say, "I captured Bigfoot."
#261
⇓
That may be true, but leprechauns aren't real.
#262
⇓
So what we're dealing with here is a little person in a glue trap.
#263
⇓
I thought about that, ruled it out, okay?
#264
⇓
'Cause the basement door was locked, so unless
#265
⇓
he's a being who's unrestrained by the laws
#266
⇓
of the physical world, he's not getting down here.
#267
⇓
If he is a human being, he is going to sue the shit out of us.
#268
⇓
If he's a leprechaun, he's got a pot of gold.
#269
⇓
Yeah... Well, yeah, that's...
#270
⇓
Well, let's not rule one out over the other.
#271
⇓
I mean, it's very weird that he's down here, right?
#272
⇓
Okay. Let's ask him.
#273
⇓
Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask you a direct question.
#274
⇓
Are you now or have you ever been a leprechaun?
#275
⇓
No, I'm not a goddamn leprechaun!
#276
⇓
- Please... - It was pretty convincing.
#277
⇓
Are you kidding me? If he's a leprechaun,
#278
⇓
that's what he has to say, right?
#279
⇓
Sir, why are you dressed like a leprechaun?
#280
⇓
'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day, you idiots!
#281
⇓
- This guy's good. He's good. - Yeah.
#282
⇓
Nasty little son of a bitch, isn't he?
#283
⇓
- There's a real bite to him. - I know.
#284
⇓
You know what I think we should do?
#285
⇓
We just rough him up a little bit.
#286
⇓
Just get the truth out of him.
#287
⇓
It's a great idea. We don't want to bruise him up.
#288
⇓
I just wish we had a hose or something.
#289
⇓
- Yeah. - We could blast the truth out of him.
#290
⇓
- Right? - That'd be good...
#291
⇓
Oh, shit. There's a hose right here.
#292
⇓
I don't ever remember a hose being down here, do you?
#293
⇓
- No. I don't know. - Dude...
#294
⇓
do you realize what just happened?
#295
⇓
You made a wish, which the leprechaun clearly granted.
#296
⇓
Everyone knows, you capture a leprechaun, you get three wishes, right?
#297
⇓
We got to think very carefully what our next two are here.
#298
⇓
- I wish I could live forever? - What are you doing?
#299
⇓
- I wish you don't. How about that? - No! Why did you do that?
#300
⇓
- Why did you do that? - Why didn't you say,
#301
⇓
"I wish I could live forever"?
#302
⇓
- Live forever with you? - Well...
#303
⇓
Look, I'm not a leprechaun!
#304
⇓
Just let me out of here, you dickheads!
#305
⇓
Wish there was a way we could just know for sure.
#306
⇓
Charlie?
#307
⇓
Get the snake.
#308
⇓
You know what the problem was, Frank?
#309
⇓
That last group of belligerent hooligans just didn't understand
#310
⇓
how to experience our business properly,
#311
⇓
but I think this new group is gonna get it.
#312
⇓
Plus, they're physically weaker, in case anything goes wrong.
#313
⇓
What's happening?
#314
⇓
I'll tell ya what's happenin'.
#315
⇓
One day you're young and pretty,
#316
⇓
and the next, the years of drinking and abuse
#317
⇓
have robbed you of your youth.
#318
⇓
Abuse? Did these guys hurt you?
#319
⇓
No! Me husband did this to me.
#320
⇓
Arr!
#321
⇓
- Dee... - Mmm?
#322
⇓
What the hell are you doing? Are you a pirate?
#323
⇓
I can't tell if you're doing a thing now,
#324
⇓
or if this is just who you've become.
#325
⇓
I'm giving them an authentic Irish experience,
#326
⇓
like you were begging for before...
#327
⇓
You're giving them a completely inauthentic,
#328
⇓
frightening experience, and you're scaring them.
#329
⇓
Listen, ladies, nobody's gonna get hurt.
#330
⇓
- Will you just let us out, please? - Well, no.
#331
⇓
I'm not gonna let you out.
#332
⇓
I need you to experience everything I have to offer so you're...
#333
⇓
- Rahr! - So, experience... Dee! Shut up!
#334
⇓
All right, look, we're gonna have a good time here, okay?
#335
⇓
You're experiencing some free beers right now
#336
⇓
because I can't get the goddamn Internet to work.
#337
⇓
That's a problem for me. Do you guys know how to use tablet computers?
#338
⇓
- You're young. - No.
#339
⇓
I just want to connect the goddamn thing to the Internet.
#340
⇓
They told me it'd be easy. It's not, though.
#341
⇓
I'll tell you what.
#342
⇓
I'll let you out after I take a couple photographs of you.
#343
⇓
How's that sound? Yeah? Take some photographs
#344
⇓
for my Web site? So, look happy.
#345
⇓
Look like you're having fun. No need to cover those up.
#346
⇓
My customers like those. They're like me.
#347
⇓
They're gonna want to see that.
#348
⇓
Okay, so smiling, smiling, and...
#349
⇓
You're not convincing me. Smile!
#350
⇓
Goddamn!
#351
⇓
This is not supposed to be scary.
#352
⇓
This is supposed to be an authentic, fun time for you.
#353
⇓
Yeah, all right, well,
#354
⇓
I need to buy it, okay?
#355
⇓
Please let us out.
#356
⇓
I don't want to be on your weird Web site.
#357
⇓
If you don't comply with me, then you're gonna end up
#358
⇓
on the weird one, okay? So, smile.
#359
⇓
Ugh! All right.
#360
⇓
You know what? This isn't gonna work.
#361
⇓
All right, come on, come on.
#362
⇓
Let's go. Come on.
#363
⇓
All right, out you go, ladies.
#364
⇓
I know you didn't threaten to call the cops,
#365
⇓
but you would have... I'm certain of it...
#366
⇓
so I'm gonna need your wallets and your phones.
#367
⇓
Give 'em to the girl.
#368
⇓
I'm probably gonna pop on your Twitter accounts.
#369
⇓
Write us some enthusiastic reviews,
#370
⇓
which you would have done, as well, had you experienced our business properly,
#371
⇓
but you decided to be...
#372
⇓
All right, well...
#373
⇓
- Talk, bitch! I'm blasting you! - Come on! Talk!
#374
⇓
- Come on, leprechaun, admit it! - Where's the gold?!
#375
⇓
What's the point? There's no water pressure.
#376
⇓
- I feel like I'm giving him a baby bath. - I know.
#377
⇓
Snake's not working either.
#378
⇓
That's because the snake is dead.
#379
⇓
Because you put it in a plastic bag and it couldn't breathe.
#380
⇓
Doesn't matter. He probably killed it
#381
⇓
with his leprechaun magic, anyway.
#382
⇓
I'm not a leprechaun, you goddamn assholes!
#383
⇓
- Yeah, guy. - How are we gonna get his pot of gold
#384
⇓
if he won't even admit to us that he's a leprechaun?
#385
⇓
If this guy would just admit he was a leprechaun,
#386
⇓
- we could be done with this mess. - Yeah.
#387
⇓
- Of course. - Fine, you got me.
#388
⇓
I'm a leprechaun. I admit it.
#389
⇓
- What? - God... I am a... I'm a...
#390
⇓
damn... I'm a leprechaun.
#391
⇓
Yeah, but you don't have the accent,
#392
⇓
- and that's throwing me off, right? - It's throwing me off.
#393
⇓
I live in a faraway land,
#394
⇓
and I was transported here by a giant magical rainbow.
#395
⇓
And you never got me Lucky Charms.
#396
⇓
- Oh! - That's it! That's it!
#397
⇓
- You were right! You caught a leprechaun! - I told you! I knew it!
#398
⇓
Hey, can you let me go now?
#399
⇓
- No, you can't go. - No. No.
#400
⇓
- We need your pot of gold. Where is it? - Yeah.
#401
⇓
It's at the bottom of the rainbow.
#402
⇓
- Hmm. - Must be some sort of leprechaun riddle,
#403
⇓
'cause there's no rainbows out today.
#404
⇓
No, dude... I don't think this guy's talking in metaphors.
#405
⇓
I think he means exactly what he's saying.
#406
⇓
He's talking about that gay bar
#407
⇓
down on Locust Street... the Rainbow.
#408
⇓
- You know which one I'm talking about? - No.
#409
⇓
I'm gonna go check it out, alone.
#410
⇓
Why?
#411
⇓
Because you'll be here.
#412
⇓
And if the gang comes back,
#413
⇓
they'll also be here, and I'll be there, alone.
#414
⇓
- Right. - But you'll be here.
#415
⇓
- Great. - Great.
#416
⇓
- You go do that... - Okay. Yeah.
#417
⇓
...and remember, you're there to look for a pot of gold.
#418
⇓
Okay. Alone.
#419
⇓
You'll be there, alone.
#420
⇓
Okay! Got it.
#421
⇓
All right, well, that just leaves you and me, and, uh,
#422
⇓
we both know there's no pot of gold at that gay bar.
#423
⇓
So the question is...
#424
⇓
what to do with the little liar.
#425
⇓
We haven't made a goddamn penny today.
#426
⇓
We actually lost money,
#427
⇓
with all the gas we burned going back and forth.
#428
⇓
It's not my fault. The business model's flawless.
#429
⇓
If you knew how to drive and you knew how to serve
#430
⇓
a goddamn beer, we wouldn't be in this mess.
#431
⇓
Hmm.
#432
⇓
- All right. - Mmm.
#433
⇓
Okay, everybody out. Get out. Let's go. Come on.
#434
⇓
Go, go, go. You guys are in the wrong demographic.
#435
⇓
Where have you taken us?
#436
⇓
Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,
#437
⇓
we got so used to our routine of picking people up and dropping
#438
⇓
'em off outside of town that we never even tried
#439
⇓
- to sell you people beer, did we? - They're too old, anyway.
#440
⇓
- Who's gonna watch 'em on a Web site? - That's true.
#441
⇓
You guys are a little too old for our...
#442
⇓
- So... - Wallets and phones. You know the drill.
#443
⇓
I don't know why we don't just do the car service thing.
#444
⇓
People seem to be needing rides all over the town.
#445
⇓
- That idea may work. - You think so?
#446
⇓
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
#447
⇓
Oh. But before we pivot to that one,
#448
⇓
um, Deandra, you mind, uh, jumpin' out
#449
⇓
to see about the gas cap? I think I left it off.
#450
⇓
Yeah.
#451
⇓
Oop.
#452
⇓
Oh! Hey!
#453
⇓
Oh, goddamn!
#454
⇓
God damn it!
#455
⇓
- What you did there was... very funny. - Yeah.
#456
⇓
- That bitch was dragging us down. - Yeah.
#457
⇓
- She was driving me crazy. - Oh.
#458
⇓
- Oh... shit. - What?
#459
⇓
She didn't put the gas cap on.
#460
⇓
- Oh, is it open for real? - Big-time.
#461
⇓
Oh, shit. Let me grab that real quick.
#462
⇓
I got it.
#463
⇓
No, no, no, no, n... Aw, goddamn!
#464
⇓
I can't believe Uber jacks up their prices just because it's a holiday.
#465
⇓
It's a scam.
#466
⇓
We should have been doing that the entire time.
#467
⇓
Are you kidding me? That was my whole idea.
#468
⇓
Stop trying to take credit for everything.
#469
⇓
What is going on in here? Weren't Mac and Charlie
#470
⇓
- taking care of the bar? - Yeah, they were.
#471
⇓
- Why is the bar empty? - It ain't empty.
#472
⇓
What are you doing back here, you piece of shit?
#473
⇓
It's a long story. The business hit a wall,
#474
⇓
went up in smoke, and then went under.
#475
⇓
Why are you speaking in metaphors?
#476
⇓
It ain't a metaphor. I fell asleep,
#477
⇓
crashed into a wall, the engine burst into flames,
#478
⇓
- and I had to drive it into a river. - Right.
#479
⇓
What the hell is that?
#480
⇓
To keep this smile from my face
#481
⇓
Losing control, yeah
#482
⇓
I'm all over the place
#483
⇓
Clowns to the left of me jokers to the right
#484
⇓
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...
#485
⇓
Well, you may be a man.
#486
⇓
You may be a leprechaun.
#487
⇓
But only one thing's for sure:
#488
⇓
you're in the wrong basement.
#489
⇓
God damn it! No!
#490
⇓
- I'm gonna see if you bleed green. - No! No! No, no, no!
#491
⇓
- Whoa, Charlie, what the hell is... - Whoa. Hey!
#492
⇓
What are you doing?
#493
⇓
What does it look like I'm doing?
#494
⇓
It looks like you've tied a little person to a chair
#495
⇓
and you're gonna torture him.
#496
⇓
No, I've tied a leprechaun to a chair,
#497
⇓
and, uh, yeah, I was gonna cut him to pieces.
#498
⇓
Charlie... you been drinking straight paint?
#499
⇓
Yeah.
#500
⇓
Charlie, he's not a leprechaun! Do not hurt him! I repeat:
#501
⇓
he is not a leprechaun! Oh, hey.
#502
⇓
- What is this? - Why are you covered in glitter?
#503
⇓
I would love to answer all of your questions,
#504
⇓
but there is no time.
#505
⇓
You see, I went to the Rainbow to look for a pot of gold.
#506
⇓
- The gay bar? - Oh.
#507
⇓
Again, no questions.
#508
⇓
And when I got back,
#509
⇓
I found this bag full of wallets,
#510
⇓
hidden where we keep the towels.
#511
⇓
- Why did you need towels? - Not answering questions, okay?
#512
⇓
Because apparently this son of a bitch is a pickpocket.
#513
⇓
That's why he's been lurking around Paddy's.
#514
⇓
Oh! That makes a lot of sense, 'cause he kept saying,
#515
⇓
like, "I'm a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.
#516
⇓
"I'm not a leprechaun." I just thought that was
#517
⇓
a metaphor for "I am a leprechaun."
#518
⇓
This little son of a bitch has been picking pockets
#519
⇓
at our bar every St. Paddy's Day for years.
#520
⇓
Well, we got a whole bag full of wallets and phones, too.
#521
⇓
- You did? - Yeah.
#522
⇓
That's good. Because the bar did not do so great.
#523
⇓
Turns out the Irish honor system, that's not a thing.
#524
⇓
We were gonna actually return the wallets
#525
⇓
- that we got, but... - Yeah.
#526
⇓
...since no one seems to be
#527
⇓
being honorable, uh, maybe we keep our wallets
#528
⇓
- and those and, you know... - Yeah.
#529
⇓
- chalk it up as a win. - Oh, the luck of the Irish.
#530
⇓
Let's not make it a tradition.
#531
⇓
- Sure. - Yeah, probably better not to.
#532
⇓
All right, well, what do we do with this piece of shit?
#533
⇓
Oh, shit, that leprechaun just flew up a rainbow!
#534
⇓
Stop drinking paint, Charlie.
#535
⇓
Huh.
#536
⇓
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