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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E08 — Charlie Catches a Leprechaun

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 8 — Charlie Catches a Leprechaun

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: Charlie Catches a Leprechaun

Air date: February 24, 2016

Director: Heath Cullens

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

Dennis tries to create an innovative mobile Paddy's pub experience but runs into trouble when customers refuse to cooperate, while Charlie and Mac attempt to catch a thieving leprechaun.

Source: TMDB

↓

Okay, gather round, everybody.

everybody gather gather-round round

↓

Gather round, please.

gather gather-round round

↓

Yeah, I have a presentation.

presentation

↓

Now, because of everyone's A.D.D., I know I'm gonna

everyones

↓

lose your attention in about three minutes,

attention lose minutes three three-minutes

↓

- and Frank's gonna fall asleep. - No way.

asleep fall fall-asleep franks

↓

I slept 26 hours last night.

hours night slept

↓

You still seem sleepy. Can I start my presentation?

presentation sleepy start

↓

- Where's the easel? - I'm not using an easel. Don't interrupt.

interrupt using

↓

- You want me to go get the projector? - No, I don't want the projector.

projector

↓

- And I don't want the easel. - What are you gonna point with?

point

↓

Don't want whatever the hell you're gonna say.

↓

It's all gonna be old and outdated, all right?

outdated

↓

Let me start my presentation, which is actually about that.

presentation start

↓

It's about innovation. Not taking questions. Goddamn.

goddamn innovation questions

↓

Let me do my thing. Stop interrupting.

interrupting

↓

Okay, so, um, as we all know, um, tomorrow is St. Paddy's Day,

paddys tomorrow

↓

traditionally our most profitable day.

profitable traditionally

↓

However, recently, profits have been declining.

profits recently

↓

Every year. And we need to change.

change

↓

These days, people like to have things on demand.

days demand

↓

Instead of having to go to a bar,

having

↓

we will bring the bar to you.

bring

↓

Oh, is that, like, a car service type of thing?

service type

↓

Where we pick people up and take 'em around from bar to bar

pick

↓

and jack up the prices?

jack prices

↓

The Paddy's wagon is the bar.

paddys wagon

↓

No, Dennis. If we want to make money,

dennis money

↓

we need to honor ancient Irish traditions,

ancient honor irish traditions

↓

like serving an irresponsible amount of booze to people

amount booze irresponsible serving

↓

who are genetically predisposed to having alcohol problems.

alcohol genetically having problems

↓

Right. St. Patrick started that tradition,

patrick started tradition

↓

and that's why we celebrate him today.

celebrate today

↓

Yeah... No, that's not what he did.

↓

He played the flute for some kids,

flute kids played

↓

and then he lured them into a cave somewhere,

cave lured

↓

- and he diddled them. - Nah.

↓

- You got him mixed up with the Pied Piper. - Right.

mixed piper

↓

St. Patrick didn't play the flute.

flute patrick

↓

He drove the kids out of Ireland.

drove ireland kids

↓

And then he molested 'em.

molested

↓

No, no, if St. Patrick molested kids,

kids molested patrick

↓

- he would be regarded as a scoundrel. - No, no, no.

↓

I feel like, in the olden days of the Catholic Church,

catholic church days olden olden-days

↓

pedophiles were regarded as heroes.

heroes

↓

All right, look, guys, uh,

↓

- He drove the snakes out of Ireland. - I don't know about all this.

drove ireland snakes

↓

I kind of want to just do the traditional thing

traditional

↓

- and trying to catch the leprechaun. - No!

catch leprechaun

↓

We don't want to do the leprechaun thing again.

leprechaun

↓

- Stop, guys... - I'm gonna catch one.

catch

↓

- I'm this close. - You're not gonna catch him

catch close

↓

You know what... I don't even know

↓

if I've set up my glue traps for him yet.

glue traps

↓

Enough with the leprechaun!

leprechaun

↓

- Can you believe him? - Okay, wait.

believe

↓

- Who cares? I'm trying to... - You know what

cares

↓

I might want to get myself a flute.

flute might

↓

I feel like it's a really fun...

fun

↓

Go get a flute!

flute

↓

Everybody go get a flute!

everybody flute

↓

...in the sixth grade, I feel like it's kind of simple.

grade simple sixth sixth-grade

↓

Frank, look...

frank

↓

Let me explain it to you, at least.

explain least

↓

No, he's gone.

gone

↓

Okay.

↓

So, Frank... here's the plan.

frank plan

↓

We're gonna fill the wagon with hip, attractive clientele.

attractive clientele fill wagon

↓

We're gonna use my streamlined system to process drink orders.

drink orders process system

↓

We're gonna take photographs with a retro filter for the Web site.

filter photographs site

↓

to comment and spread brand awareness

awareness brand comment spread

↓

over various social media platforms.

media social social-media various

↓

That seems insanely complicated. Why don't we just take cash?

cash complicated insanely seems

↓

No. What I'm talking about's way simpler than cash.

cash simpler

↓

It's... It's streamlined.

↓

- I'm lost. - I'm trying to explain it to you.

explain lost

↓

- I feel like you're not listening. - I...

listening

↓

Top o' the morning, you filthy lads.

filthy lads morning

↓

I'm fixing to have a whale of a time in this here mobile pub.

fixing mobile whale

↓

I'm sorry... What is this?

↓

Yeah. Why?

↓

- 'Cause it's fun. - No.

fun

↓

I thought that's the thing about St. Patrick's Day...

patricks

↓

People want clownery and they want to embrace

embrace

↓

- the Irish stereotypes. - No. This isn't innovative.

innovative irish stereotypes

↓

It's outdated and it's gonna offend people.

offend outdated

↓

Okay, Frank, look... No guns.

frank guns

↓

Okay, trust me, I got this.

trust

↓

- Frank, you're gonna drive. - Drive.

drive drive-drive frank

↓

Dee, you're gonna serve drinks.

drinks serve

↓

As a human being. A real one.

human real

↓

- Mmm. - Guys, I'm gonna provide...

provide

↓

the experience.

experience

↓

Ooh.

↓

- Okay. - Yeah, right?

↓

- Yeah, I like this. - Nice.

↓

See, I told you. I know what I'm doing.

↓

Come on, let's go.

↓

Frank, you're driving.

driving frank

↓

Ho! Check it out, Mac, got some cool stuff.

check cool cool-stuff stuff

↓

Great. Why?

↓

The snakes, 'cause we... I don't remember

remember snakes

↓

where we landed on St. Paddy, but I remember snakes were involved.

involved landed paddy remember snakes

↓

And the green paint's for the beer.

beer green

↓

But why not just use food coloring for the beer?

beer coloring food

↓

'Cause beer's not a food.

beers food

↓

When was the last time you ate a beer?

beer

↓

When was the last time you drank paint?

drank paint

↓

Have you been drinking paint?

drinking paint

↓

No.

↓

Let me see your tongue.

tongue

↓

Oh, my God, dude!

↓

- Oh, that shit's disgusting! - It's not bad.

disgusting shits

↓

- You can't drink paint. - I know. I hear you.

drink paint

↓

You say that, but I don't think that you're gonna stop.

↓

I get it, though, man. It's right.

↓

I feel like you're saying you get it, but you don't get it.

↓

- It's cool. - It's not cool.

cool

↓

- It is what it is. - Oh, my God,

↓

this is so frustrating!

frustrating

↓

I'm gonna go down to the basement

basement

↓

and I'm gonna check out my glue traps

check glue traps

↓

- and see if I got a leprechaun in there. - Wait, no, no.

leprechaun

↓

We said no leprechaun this year.

leprechaun

↓

You're not chasing leprechauns.

chasing

↓

I know, and I forgot where we landed on that.

forgot landed

↓

I got these great cookie sheets, they're filled with glue, so...

cookie filled glue sheets

↓

It's a frustrating thing. It's like the guy doesn't

frustrating

↓

listen to us, man, when we're trying to get through to him.

↓

It's a bummer.

bummer

↓

No, not you. Keep moving, let's go,

moving

↓

come on. You kidding me?

kidding

↓

Oh, hey, there, fellas.

fellas

↓

What's going on? Where you going? You know what?

↓

Don't answer that. Because I already know.

answer

↓

You're going for a ride in the Paddy's Wagon.

paddys ride wagon

↓

Oh, cool. Is this, like, a car service thing?

cool service

↓

Can you take us to Center City?

center city

↓

No, it's not a goddamn car service. Why does everyone...

goddamn service

↓

Get in that wagon right now or I'm gonna

wagon

↓

sock you a good one right in the kisser!

kisser sock

↓

Yeah, you dumb bi...

dumb

↓

- What the hell are you doing? - Just innovating.

↓

I took the Paddy's wig and I cut it into an awesome beard.

awesome beard paddys

↓

- Great new character. - No.

character

↓

- Hilarious. - You've just created another

another created hilarious

↓

The Fighting Irish... it's true.

fighting irish

↓

That's what Irish people do.

irish

↓

They get drunk, they fight people.

drunk fight

↓

Look, guys, don't pay attention to her.

attention

↓

I want to give you an authentic, uh,

authentic

↓

once-in-a-lifetime experience here.

experience lifetime

↓

No, no. It's not a bang bus, okay?

bang

↓

Look... Just get in the wagon,

wagon

↓

- I'll give you a ride to Center City. - Get in.

center city ride

↓

Gentlemen, let me walk you through how our simple business works.

business gentlemen simple walk works

↓

God, take it easy, Frank!

easy frank

↓

Don't tell me how to drive, you bitch.

bitch drive

↓

Let's keep it light for the customers, all right, Frank?

customers frank light

↓

As I was saying, fellas, what you're gonna

fellas

↓

need to do is you, uh, you're gonna

↓

log in using Facebook, and you're gonna watch

facebook using watch

↓

a brief, 30-second advertisement.

brief second

↓

And then once we receive your online order,

online order receive

↓

you will promptly be served a beer.

beer served

↓

- Can't I just pay you cash? - That's what I...

cash

↓

No, cash is the way that antiquated companies do business.

business cash companies

↓

I just want a beer. I don't really

beer

↓

want you to have all my personal information.

information personal

↓

"A beer. Just want a beer. Don't want you to have my..."

beer

↓

Yeah.

↓

Look, if I just gave you a beer and you just gave me cash,

beer cash

↓

then you wouldn't be able to experience

able experience

↓

everything that we've got to offer here, okay?

offer

↓

Look, I'll show you. Let me just pull up my...

pull

↓

But, uh, can't get the goddamn thing to go online.

goddamn online

↓

Dee, why don't you just give 'em a couple free beers?

beers couple free

↓

We'll call 'em "freemiums."

↓

Don't know if you're familiar with that term.

familiar term

↓

- This is like all foam. - Dee, you goddamn bitch!

bitch foam goddamn goddamn-bitch

↓

Hey! Oh, this thing's bouncing around

bouncing

↓

like a pinball. Don't blame me.

blame

↓

Keep it light, you bitch!

bitch light

↓

- All right. - This is weird.

weird

↓

Hey, it's locked. Can you guys let us out?

locked

↓

Why would you call the cops? We're just hanging out!

cops hanging

↓

All right, stop. All right, oh, oh, oh, oh. Push "end." End.

push

↓

Give the phones to the girl.

girl phones

↓

Let's go. I don't want to have to do this shit.

↓

Frank, we got to pivot the business.

business frank pivot

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

Come on, get the hell out. Everybody out.

everybody

↓

Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out.

↓

All right.

↓

Don't worry. We're gonna mail your phones back to you,

mail phones worry

↓

but we're gonna need your addresses, so fork over your I.D.s.

addresses fork

↓

- Let's go. Come on. - And their money.

money

↓

We can't have 'em cabbing it back to the city

city

↓

and going straight to the cops.

cops straight

↓

God damn it. That's a good point.

point

↓

You know what? Dee, collect their wallets.

collect wallets

↓

Don't worry, guys. We're not thieves. You'll get your wallets back, too.

thieves wallets worry

↓

- Yeah. - Don't be babies.

babies

↓

Come on, guys, let's go.

↓

- Let's go. - Shut the doors.

doors

↓

Did we just kidnap and rob those guys?

kidnap

↓

We just drove the snakes out of Philly,

drove philly snakes

↓

the way St. Patrick did.

patrick

↓

Oh!

↓

So, what you're saying is, technically, we gave those guys

technically

↓

a very authentic St. Paddy's Day experience.

authentic experience paddys

↓

- Oh. - Yeah.

↓

- Nice. - In a way.

↓

Oh. All right.

↓

- That's good. That's good. - Yeah.

↓

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Here.

↓

Jesus Christ, where's Charlie?

charlie christ jesus jesus-christ

↓

Hey, Mac, somebody stole my damn wallet.

somebody stole wallet

↓

- What? - Beat it, Mauricio!

beat

↓

I need to talk to Mac.

↓

Charlie, where have you been?

charlie

↓

I can't run the bar by myself and do security.

security

↓

People are getting their wallets stolen.

stolen wallets

↓

Okay, uh, look, just come to the basement with me really quick.

basement quick

↓

God damn it! All right. Attention, everybody.

attention attention-everybody everybody

↓

Irish honor system. Please serve yourselves.

honor irish serve system yourselves

↓

Put the money in the bucket. Thank you.

bucket money

↓

I don't think the Irish honor system's a thing.

honor irish systems

↓

Oh, it's a thing. It's an ancient Irish tradition.

ancient irish tradition

↓

Know your history. What could possibly be so important?

history possibly

↓

Charlie... what the hell am I looking at?

charlie looking

↓

I caught him.

caught

↓

I caught that son of a bitch.

bitch caught

↓

I think you've kidnapped a little person.

kidnapped person

↓

Huh?

↓

Nah... nah, nah. First of all, I've captured a leprechaun, okay?

captured leprechaun

↓

You wouldn't say, "I kidnapped Bigfoot," right?

kidnapped

↓

You'd say, "I captured Bigfoot."

captured

↓

That may be true, but leprechauns aren't real.

real

↓

So what we're dealing with here is a little person in a glue trap.

dealing glue person trap

↓

I thought about that, ruled it out, okay?

ruled

↓

'Cause the basement door was locked, so unless

basement door locked

↓

he's a being who's unrestrained by the laws

laws

↓

of the physical world, he's not getting down here.

physical world

↓

If he is a human being, he is going to sue the shit out of us.

human

↓

If he's a leprechaun, he's got a pot of gold.

gold leprechaun

↓

Yeah... Well, yeah, that's...

↓

Well, let's not rule one out over the other.

rule

↓

I mean, it's very weird that he's down here, right?

weird

↓

Okay. Let's ask him.

↓

Uh, sir, I'm gonna ask you a direct question.

direct question

↓

Are you now or have you ever been a leprechaun?

leprechaun

↓

No, I'm not a goddamn leprechaun!

goddamn leprechaun

↓

- Please... - It was pretty convincing.

convincing

↓

Are you kidding me? If he's a leprechaun,

kidding leprechaun

↓

that's what he has to say, right?

↓

Sir, why are you dressed like a leprechaun?

dressed leprechaun

↓

'Cause it's St. Paddy's Day, you idiots!

idiots paddys

↓

- This guy's good. He's good. - Yeah.

↓

Nasty little son of a bitch, isn't he?

bitch nasty

↓

- There's a real bite to him. - I know.

bite real

↓

You know what I think we should do?

↓

We just rough him up a little bit.

rough

↓

Just get the truth out of him.

truth

↓

It's a great idea. We don't want to bruise him up.

bruise idea

↓

I just wish we had a hose or something.

hose wish

↓

- Yeah. - We could blast the truth out of him.

blast truth

↓

- Right? - That'd be good...

thatd

↓

Oh, shit. There's a hose right here.

hose

↓

I don't ever remember a hose being down here, do you?

hose remember

↓

- No. I don't know. - Dude...

↓

do you realize what just happened?

happened realize

↓

You made a wish, which the leprechaun clearly granted.

granted leprechaun wish

↓

Everyone knows, you capture a leprechaun, you get three wishes, right?

capture knows leprechaun three wishes

↓

We got to think very carefully what our next two are here.

carefully

↓

- I wish I could live forever? - What are you doing?

forever live live-forever wish

↓

- I wish you don't. How about that? - No! Why did you do that?

wish

↓

- Why did you do that? - Why didn't you say,

↓

"I wish I could live forever"?

forever live live-forever wish

↓

- Live forever with you? - Well...

forever live live-forever

↓

Look, I'm not a leprechaun!

leprechaun

↓

Just let me out of here, you dickheads!

dickheads

↓

Wish there was a way we could just know for sure.

wish

↓

Charlie?

charlie

↓

Get the snake.

snake

↓

You know what the problem was, Frank?

frank problem

↓

That last group of belligerent hooligans just didn't understand

group hooligans

↓

how to experience our business properly,

business experience properly

↓

but I think this new group is gonna get it.

group

↓

Plus, they're physically weaker, in case anything goes wrong.

case physically plus weaker

↓

What's happening?

↓

I'll tell ya what's happenin'.

↓

One day you're young and pretty,

young

↓

and the next, the years of drinking and abuse

abuse drinking years

↓

have robbed you of your youth.

robbed youth

↓

Abuse? Did these guys hurt you?

abuse hurt

↓

No! Me husband did this to me.

husband

↓

Arr!

↓

- Dee... - Mmm?

↓

What the hell are you doing? Are you a pirate?

pirate

↓

I can't tell if you're doing a thing now,

↓

or if this is just who you've become.

become

↓

I'm giving them an authentic Irish experience,

authentic experience giving irish

↓

like you were begging for before...

begging

↓

You're giving them a completely inauthentic,

completely giving

↓

frightening experience, and you're scaring them.

experience frightening scaring

↓

Listen, ladies, nobody's gonna get hurt.

hurt ladies nobodys

↓

- Will you just let us out, please? - Well, no.

↓

I'm not gonna let you out.

↓

I need you to experience everything I have to offer so you're...

experience offer

↓

- Rahr! - So, experience... Dee! Shut up!

experience

↓

All right, look, we're gonna have a good time here, okay?

↓

You're experiencing some free beers right now

beers experiencing free

↓

because I can't get the goddamn Internet to work.

goddamn internet

↓

That's a problem for me. Do you guys know how to use tablet computers?

computers problem tablet

↓

- You're young. - No.

young

↓

I just want to connect the goddamn thing to the Internet.

connect goddamn internet

↓

They told me it'd be easy. It's not, though.

easy

↓

I'll tell you what.

↓

I'll let you out after I take a couple photographs of you.

couple photographs

↓

How's that sound? Yeah? Take some photographs

photographs sound

↓

for my Web site? So, look happy.

happy site

↓

Look like you're having fun. No need to cover those up.

cover fun having

↓

My customers like those. They're like me.

customers

↓

They're gonna want to see that.

↓

Okay, so smiling, smiling, and...

smiling

↓

You're not convincing me. Smile!

convincing smile

↓

Goddamn!

goddamn

↓

This is not supposed to be scary.

scary supposed

↓

This is supposed to be an authentic, fun time for you.

authentic fun supposed

↓

Yeah, all right, well,

↓

I need to buy it, okay?

↓

Please let us out.

↓

I don't want to be on your weird Web site.

site weird

↓

If you don't comply with me, then you're gonna end up

↓

on the weird one, okay? So, smile.

smile weird

↓

Ugh! All right.

↓

You know what? This isn't gonna work.

↓

All right, come on, come on.

↓

Let's go. Come on.

↓

All right, out you go, ladies.

ladies

↓

I know you didn't threaten to call the cops,

cops threaten

↓

but you would have... I'm certain of it...

certain

↓

so I'm gonna need your wallets and your phones.

phones wallets

↓

Give 'em to the girl.

girl

↓

I'm probably gonna pop on your Twitter accounts.

accounts twitter

↓

Write us some enthusiastic reviews,

reviews write

↓

which you would have done, as well, had you experienced our business properly,

business experienced properly

↓

but you decided to be...

decided

↓

All right, well...

↓

- Talk, bitch! I'm blasting you! - Come on! Talk!

bitch blasting

↓

- Come on, leprechaun, admit it! - Where's the gold?!

admit gold leprechaun

↓

What's the point? There's no water pressure.

point pressure water

↓

- I feel like I'm giving him a baby bath. - I know.

baby bath giving

↓

Snake's not working either.

snakes working

↓

That's because the snake is dead.

dead snake

↓

Because you put it in a plastic bag and it couldn't breathe.

breathe plastic

↓

Doesn't matter. He probably killed it

killed matter

↓

with his leprechaun magic, anyway.

leprechaun magic

↓

I'm not a leprechaun, you goddamn assholes!

assholes goddamn leprechaun

↓

- Yeah, guy. - How are we gonna get his pot of gold

gold

↓

if he won't even admit to us that he's a leprechaun?

admit leprechaun

↓

If this guy would just admit he was a leprechaun,

admit leprechaun

↓

- we could be done with this mess. - Yeah.

mess

↓

- Of course. - Fine, you got me.

course

↓

I'm a leprechaun. I admit it.

admit leprechaun

↓

- What? - God... I am a... I'm a...

↓

damn... I'm a leprechaun.

leprechaun

↓

Yeah, but you don't have the accent,

accent

↓

- and that's throwing me off, right? - It's throwing me off.

throwing

↓

I live in a faraway land,

land live

↓

and I was transported here by a giant magical rainbow.

giant magical rainbow

↓

And you never got me Lucky Charms.

charms lucky

↓

- Oh! - That's it! That's it!

↓

- You were right! You caught a leprechaun! - I told you! I knew it!

caught leprechaun

↓

Hey, can you let me go now?

↓

- No, you can't go. - No. No.

↓

- We need your pot of gold. Where is it? - Yeah.

gold

↓

It's at the bottom of the rainbow.

bottom rainbow

↓

- Hmm. - Must be some sort of leprechaun riddle,

leprechaun must riddle

↓

'cause there's no rainbows out today.

rainbows today

↓

No, dude... I don't think this guy's talking in metaphors.

metaphors

↓

I think he means exactly what he's saying.

↓

He's talking about that gay bar

↓

down on Locust Street... the Rainbow.

rainbow street

↓

- You know which one I'm talking about? - No.

↓

I'm gonna go check it out, alone.

alone check

↓

Why?

↓

Because you'll be here.

↓

And if the gang comes back,

comes gang

↓

they'll also be here, and I'll be there, alone.

alone

↓

- Right. - But you'll be here.

↓

- Great. - Great.

↓

- You go do that... - Okay. Yeah.

↓

...and remember, you're there to look for a pot of gold.

gold remember

↓

Okay. Alone.

alone

↓

You'll be there, alone.

alone

↓

Okay! Got it.

↓

All right, well, that just leaves you and me, and, uh,

leaves

↓

we both know there's no pot of gold at that gay bar.

gold

↓

So the question is...

question

↓

what to do with the little liar.

liar

↓

We haven't made a goddamn penny today.

goddamn penny today

↓

We actually lost money,

lost money

↓

with all the gas we burned going back and forth.

burned forth

↓

It's not my fault. The business model's flawless.

business fault flawless models

↓

If you knew how to drive and you knew how to serve

drive serve

↓

a goddamn beer, we wouldn't be in this mess.

beer goddamn mess

↓

Hmm.

↓

- All right. - Mmm.

↓

Okay, everybody out. Get out. Let's go. Come on.

everybody

↓

Go, go, go. You guys are in the wrong demographic.

↓

Where have you taken us?

taken

↓

Right. Yeah, I guess, uh,

↓

we got so used to our routine of picking people up and dropping

dropping picking routine used

↓

'em off outside of town that we never even tried

town tried

↓

- to sell you people beer, did we? - They're too old, anyway.

beer sell

↓

- Who's gonna watch 'em on a Web site? - That's true.

site watch

↓

You guys are a little too old for our...

↓

- So... - Wallets and phones. You know the drill.

drill phones wallets

↓

I don't know why we don't just do the car service thing.

service

↓

People seem to be needing rides all over the town.

needing rides town

↓

- That idea may work. - You think so?

idea

↓

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

welcome

↓

Oh. But before we pivot to that one,

pivot

↓

um, Deandra, you mind, uh, jumpin' out

deandra mind

↓

to see about the gas cap? I think I left it off.

left

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oop.

↓

Oh! Hey!

↓

Oh, goddamn!

goddamn

↓

God damn it!

↓

- What you did there was... very funny. - Yeah.

funny

↓

- That bitch was dragging us down. - Yeah.

bitch dragging

↓

- She was driving me crazy. - Oh.

crazy driving

↓

- Oh... shit. - What?

↓

She didn't put the gas cap on.

↓

- Oh, is it open for real? - Big-time.

open real

↓

Oh, shit. Let me grab that real quick.

grab quick real real-quick

↓

I got it.

↓

No, no, no, no, n... Aw, goddamn!

goddamn

↓

I can't believe Uber jacks up their prices just because it's a holiday.

believe holiday jacks prices uber

↓

It's a scam.

scam

↓

We should have been doing that the entire time.

entire

↓

Are you kidding me? That was my whole idea.

idea kidding whole

↓

Stop trying to take credit for everything.

credit

↓

What is going on in here? Weren't Mac and Charlie

charlie

↓

- taking care of the bar? - Yeah, they were.

care

↓

- Why is the bar empty? - It ain't empty.

aint empty

↓

What are you doing back here, you piece of shit?

piece

↓

It's a long story. The business hit a wall,

business story wall

↓

went up in smoke, and then went under.

smoke

↓

Why are you speaking in metaphors?

metaphors speaking

↓

It ain't a metaphor. I fell asleep,

aint asleep fell fell-asleep metaphor

↓

crashed into a wall, the engine burst into flames,

burst crashed engine flames wall

↓

- and I had to drive it into a river. - Right.

drive river

↓

What the hell is that?

↓

To keep this smile from my face

face smile

↓

Losing control, yeah

control losing

↓

I'm all over the place

place

↓

Clowns to the left of me jokers to the right

clowns jokers left

↓

Here I am, stuck in the middle with you...

middle stuck

↓

Well, you may be a man.

↓

You may be a leprechaun.

leprechaun

↓

But only one thing's for sure:

↓

you're in the wrong basement.

basement

↓

God damn it! No!

↓

- I'm gonna see if you bleed green. - No! No! No, no, no!

bleed green

↓

- Whoa, Charlie, what the hell is... - Whoa. Hey!

charlie whoa

↓

What are you doing?

↓

What does it look like I'm doing?

↓

It looks like you've tied a little person to a chair

chair person tied

↓

and you're gonna torture him.

torture

↓

No, I've tied a leprechaun to a chair,

chair leprechaun tied

↓

and, uh, yeah, I was gonna cut him to pieces.

pieces

↓

Charlie... you been drinking straight paint?

charlie drinking drinking-straight paint straight

↓

Yeah.

↓

Charlie, he's not a leprechaun! Do not hurt him! I repeat:

charlie hurt leprechaun repeat

↓

he is not a leprechaun! Oh, hey.

leprechaun

↓

- What is this? - Why are you covered in glitter?

covered glitter

↓

I would love to answer all of your questions,

answer love questions

↓

but there is no time.

↓

You see, I went to the Rainbow to look for a pot of gold.

gold rainbow

↓

- The gay bar? - Oh.

↓

Again, no questions.

questions

↓

And when I got back,

↓

I found this bag full of wallets,

found full wallets

↓

hidden where we keep the towels.

hidden towels

↓

- Why did you need towels? - Not answering questions, okay?

answering questions towels

↓

Because apparently this son of a bitch is a pickpocket.

apparently bitch

↓

That's why he's been lurking around Paddy's.

lurking paddys

↓

Oh! That makes a lot of sense, 'cause he kept saying,

makes sense

↓

like, "I'm a pickpocket. Stop hurting me.

hurting

↓

"I'm not a leprechaun." I just thought that was

leprechaun

↓

a metaphor for "I am a leprechaun."

leprechaun metaphor

↓

This little son of a bitch has been picking pockets

bitch picking pockets

↓

at our bar every St. Paddy's Day for years.

paddys years

↓

Well, we got a whole bag full of wallets and phones, too.

full phones wallets whole

↓

- You did? - Yeah.

↓

That's good. Because the bar did not do so great.

↓

Turns out the Irish honor system, that's not a thing.

honor irish system turns

↓

We were gonna actually return the wallets

return wallets

↓

- that we got, but... - Yeah.

↓

...since no one seems to be

seems

↓

being honorable, uh, maybe we keep our wallets

honorable wallets

↓

- and those and, you know... - Yeah.

↓

- chalk it up as a win. - Oh, the luck of the Irish.

chalk irish luck

↓

Let's not make it a tradition.

tradition

↓

- Sure. - Yeah, probably better not to.

↓

All right, well, what do we do with this piece of shit?

piece

↓

Oh, shit, that leprechaun just flew up a rainbow!

flew leprechaun rainbow

↓

Stop drinking paint, Charlie.

charlie drinking paint

↓

Huh.