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Home » It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia » S11E09 — The Gang Goes to Hell (1)

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Season 11, Episode 9 — The Gang Goes to Hell (1)

TMDB episode metadata

Show: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Episode title: The Gang Goes to Hell (1)

Air date: March 02, 2016

Director: Todd Biermann

Top billed cast: Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob Mac, Kaitlin Olson, Danny DeVito

The gang tries to take a vacation from their usual dynamic by going on a cruise, but old habits die hard.

Source: TMDB

↓

didn't think any of us would be standing in front of you here today.

front standing today

↓

- No, no, I mean... - Shit, no.

↓

I thought we were going straight to hell. Yeah.

straight

↓

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah. Right, well...

↓

- But that being said, we're good people. - Oh, yeah.

↓

I did what I did. You don't like it,

↓

- you can kiss my ass. - Oh, oh.

kiss

↓

- Easy, easy. - Hey, could we be judged individually?

easy easy-easy individually judged

↓

'Cause I don't want to be lumped in with him.

↓

Look, I know you're gonna judge us.

judge

↓

But before that cruise ship went down,

cruise cruise-ship ship

↓

- we prayed. - Oh, yeah. Yes. Yeah.

↓

I mean, like, sure, we've done some bad things,

↓

you know, but we've changed, I promise.

changed promise

↓

So please just reserve your judgment, okay?

judgment reserve

↓

Because once we're finished,

finished

↓

I'm sure you'll judge us accordingly.

judge

↓

Mmm-hmm.

↓

This is a Christian cruise.

christian cruise

↓

Yeah, and I got to say, winning raffles, going on cruises...

winning

↓

I like this new church of yours, Mac.

church

↓

- I think you found the right one. - Yeah.

found

↓

Oh, I didn't find them. They found me.

found

↓

And it's all, of course, a part of God's plan.

course gods gods-plan part plan

↓

It's also a part of God's plan

gods gods-plan part plan

↓

that we all get closer to him through fellowship.

closer fellowship

↓

Hey, Mac, is God gonna be able to protect against the ship sinking?

able protect ship sinking

↓

Guys, we don't have to worry about drunk captains,

captains drunk worry

↓

- Yeah. - Yeah, I do. And about that, um,

↓

where exactly does God stand on that dry thing?

stand

↓

Is that a hard, fast rule or is there some wiggle room?

fast hard room rule wiggle wiggle-room

↓

Look, this cruise is an opportunity for us to get away

cruise opportunity

↓

from the sins of everyday life. That being said,

everyday life sins

↓

You know, just to stave off the shakes.

shakes

↓

- Smart. Don't want to get sick. - Oh, thank God.

sick smart

↓

Okay, guys, I am gonna head up to Bible study right now.

bible head study

↓

- Oh, right now. - Uh, this is our suite.

suite

↓

Yeah, you guys can check in or whatever.

check

↓

But do you want to meet me there?

meet

↓

- Do we? - Yeah, yeah, we'll, we'll...

↓

We got to set our bags down and then, uh...

bags

↓

I have to unpack, I always do.

unpack

↓

All right. Peace be with you.

peace

↓

- All right. - Okay. Yeah, yeah.

↓

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

↓

You're supposed to say, "And also with you."

supposed

↓

- Why is that? - Would you say...

↓

I'm not gonna say that. Uh, you know what, I'll say it,

↓

if it's gonna help you get out of here

↓

and go to your Bible study. But I'm not gonna mean it.

bible study

↓

Oh, you don't have to mean it. Yeah, you just have to say it.

↓

Okay. And also with you. Bye.

↓

Guys, this is gonna be the best cruise ever.

best cruise

↓

- Yeah. - I'm not saying it.

↓

- Take care. - I'm not saying that.

care

↓

You don't have to mean it.

↓

- Mmm. - Yeah.

↓

Oh, shit.

↓

- Yeah. - I needed that.

needed

↓

Man, and the beer calms my nerves, too.

beer nerves

↓

I feel like I could drink that whole suitcase.

drink suitcase whole

↓

Oh, God, me, too. But let's not, okay?

↓

'Cause this is the only alcohol on the entire ship.

alcohol entire ship

↓

- Ooh, yeah. - Yeah. All right, okay.

↓

- That'd be bad. - But it's time to suit up now,

suit thatd

↓

- so we can get into some nonsense. - What do mean, suit up?

nonsense suit

↓

Did you bring costumes?

bring costumes

↓

No, no, no, I'm putting a stop to this right now.

putting

↓

No costumes, no high jinks.

costumes

↓

Okay? Can we just... Guys, can we take a vacation

vacation

↓

from our usual bullshit?

bullshit usual

↓

You know, I'm not saying we got to do the God stuff,

stuff

↓

but let's not do a bunch of anti-God stuff either, okay?

anti bunch stuff

↓

So don't be gluttonous.

↓

Okay? You, no wrath.

wrath

↓

No lust for me. You know, which is gonna be difficult,

difficult lust

↓

given the implications of being on a boat.

boat given

↓

All right, well, I'm taking a vacation from you guys, okay?

vacation

↓

I'm tired of getting shit on. All right.

tired

↓

That's what I'm talking about, Dee. Nobody's gonna shit on you.

nobodys

↓

Nobody's gonna call you a bird.

bird nobodys

↓

I agree. But first, I got to take the cross off that Mac gave us.

agree cross

↓

- Oh, yeah. - This thing is burning me to shit.

burning

↓

- Look at that. - Oh.

↓

Oh! Goddamn, Frank.

frank goddamn

↓

Oh, my God.

↓

You might actually be the devil.

devil might

↓

- Jesus, I'm gonna take mine off, too. - I could be Satan.

jesus satan

↓

Screw God!

screw

↓

Whoa, whoa, what-what was that? Did God do that?

whoa whoa-whoa

↓

- No, no, no. - Don't go crazy on the God stuff.

crazy stuff

↓

That being said, the timing of that big boat noise

boat noise timing

↓

was pretty suspect, so, Frank, maybe don't push his buttons?

buttons frank push suspect

↓

- Yeah. - I get that. Yeah.

↓

All right, I'll leave him alone.

alone

↓

Hey, Mac.

↓

We are about ready to get started. You feeling okay?

feeling ready started

↓

Yeah, David. It's good. I was just, uh, waiting on my friends.

david friends waiting

↓

They said they were gonna be here and they're not here yet.

↓

I've sort of taken on a missionary position with them.

missionary position taken

↓

You know? They need salvation.

salvation

↓

Especially my one friend, Frank.

especially frank friend

↓

to burn through his skin.

burn skin

↓

Why?

↓

Oh, to subtly send the message that he might be a demon.

demon message might send

↓

Oh, well, yikes.

yikes

↓

Uh, listen, when your friends are ready, they'll come.

friends ready

↓

Right, yeah. You know, we should just get started.

started

↓

- Scott, you ready to go? - Yup, yup.

ready scott

↓

Why don't we, uh... Well, let's just...

↓

We'll sing through it once and we'll get it on its feet.

feet sing

↓

Guys, what's that song? I'm not familiar with that hymn.

familiar song

↓

from Guys and Dolls.

dolls

↓

It's for the talent show. We do it every year on this cruise.

cruise talent

↓

- It's fun. - Fun?

fun

↓

No, no, the songs aren't supposed to be fun,

fun songs supposed

↓

they're supposed to be bleak and dreary,

bleak supposed

↓

so we can focus on how bad we are.

focus

↓

Yeah. We need to punish our ears

ears punish

↓

to pay for the original sin of being born.

born original

↓

Mac, look, uh, I know it can be difficult transitioning into a new church.

church difficult

↓

But, guys, I can almost guarantee you

guarantee

↓

that I'm not gonna like this.

↓

Said to myself sit down

↓

Sit down, you're rockin' the boat

boat rockin

↓

And the devil will drag you under

devil drag

↓

With a soul so heavy you wouldn't float

float heavy soul

↓

Sit down, sit down, sit down sit down, sit down

↓

You're rockin' the boat!

boat rockin

↓

Yes!

↓

Yes!

↓

Yes! Yes!

↓

I feel like I've been waiting for this my entire life.

entire entire-life life waiting

↓

Good. We're glad you had fun.

fun glad

↓

Yes, yeah. I'm ready to go again.

ready

↓

Well, you've already gone twice. We're sort of

gone twice

↓

- taking turns... - We're gonna go from the top.

turns

↓

Five, six, seven, eight...

eight five seven seven-eight

↓

These winter coats were a good idea, it is chilly.

coats idea winter

↓

Yeah. Come in handy. They're cranking the air conditioning.

conditioning cranking handy

↓

Whoa, look at this place.

place whoa

↓

Oh. Dude.

↓

I thought you said they didn't have alcohol.

alcohol

↓

- Look, they got screwdrivers. - Oh, no, Charlie.

charlie

↓

That's just orange juice.

juice orange orange-juice

↓

Yeah. Yeah, people drink it.

drink

↓

- People drink it. Yeah. - That's crazy to me.

crazy drink

↓

When was the last time you drank straight mixer?

drank mixer straight

↓

Oh, I had a diet cola mixer a while ago.

cola diet mixer

↓

Oh, did you? Was it any good?

↓

- Yeah, oh, yeah. - Whoa.

whoa

↓

- What? - Dude.

↓

You drinking a beer right now?

beer drinking

↓

What? Get out of town.

town

↓

You can lie, but that burp told me the whole story.

burp story whole whole-story

↓

You holding? What you got?

holding

↓

- You smell the beer? - You holding beer?

beer holding smell

↓

Come on, man.

↓

- You can't have alcohol on the ship. - Oh, this, uh, this is an empty.

alcohol empty ship

↓

That was an empty can.

empty

↓

- A pelican dropped it and we... - Yeah, we picked it up.

dropped pelican picked

↓

- Yeah, it was, like... - Do you have any more on you, sir?

↓

- No, not a bit. - Yeah.

↓

- What's going on here? - Uh, uh, Captain.

captain

↓

Do you have any more alcohol on you?

alcohol

↓

Uh, not a bit.

↓

- If you'll excuse me. - Yup.

excuse

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

What the hell is that, Frank?

frank

↓

Well, I don't want to run back and forth

forth

↓

to the cabin all the time, it's so far away.

cabin

↓

- Son of a bitch! - And you, you have any beer on you?

beer bitch

↓

Aw!

↓

Charlie, you lied to me.

charlie lied

↓

Uh, well, you lied first, man!

lied

↓

Is that the rest of it? Yeah, that's all of it.

rest

↓

We have to confiscate all these beers from you.

beers confiscate

↓

Yeah, yeah, yeah, got it.

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no.

whoa whoa-whoa whoa-whoa-whoa

↓

That's my seat, bitch.

bitch seat

↓

Excuse me.

excuse

↓

Sorry. Got a little worked up.

worked

↓

Uh, not quite in vacation mode yet. Let me try again.

mode vacation

↓

Um, please get your shit off my seat.

seat

↓

I don't see your magazine or towel on it,

magazine towel

↓

and I got here first,

↓

so I don't feel like it's really your seat.

seat

↓

I'm sitting with you.

sitting

↓

Thought you were taking a vacation from us.

vacation

↓

Yeah, I was trying, but this is the only seat open,

open seat

↓

so can you try not to shit on me for, like, the next hour or so, please?

hour

↓

- I'm trying to relax. - Dee, relax. I'm not gonna shit on you.

relax

↓

Okay? Nobody's shitting on you.

nobodys shitting

↓

How's it going with the wrath thing? You staying away from that?

staying wrath

↓

Well, yeah, you know, I was trying,

↓

but there are certain "see you next Tuesdays"

certain tuesdays

↓

on this ship that are making it very difficult.

difficult ship

↓

Well, yeah, I feel you. I'm...

↓

I'm already struggling with the lust thing.

lust struggling

↓

See this, uh, flaxen-haired seductress

haired

↓

across the pool over here?

pool

↓

Dennis, she looks like she's 12 years old.

dennis years

↓

No, she's of age. I checked.

checked

↓

flaunting it for me, and she knows how easy

easy knows

↓

it would be for me to have her, too, because of the implication.

implication

↓

Not that you would understand. It's not what you think it is.

↓

No, I think I get it. We're out in the middle of the ocean.

middle ocean

↓

She's stuck on a boat. She couldn't possibly say no,

boat possibly stuck

↓

'cause something might go wrong for her if she did.

might

↓

That's... That's exactly what it is.

↓

How did you get that so fast?

fast

↓

It's like when I'm alone with a guy,

alone

↓

and we're messing around, and he gets all skittish about banging.

banging messing

↓

So then I insinuate that it would be a shame

shame

↓

if my account of what happened was different from his

account happened

↓

and then he ended up getting a call from the sheriff.

ended sheriff

↓

You know what I mean?

↓

And then, boom. We plow.

boom plow

↓

Okay. Yeah. No, I think I get it.

↓

- Yeah, right? Right, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

- Oh, a bird shit on me! - Oh.

bird

↓

A bird shit in my mouth! A bird shit inside of my mouth!

bird mouth

↓

I'm literally getting shit on.

↓

I'm literally getting shit on!

↓

- Hit it! Hit it! Hit it! - Whoa!

whoa

↓

Oh, yeah! Hey.

↓

- Hey, fellowship was fun. - Yeah, see?

fellowship fun

↓

It doesn't have to be all dour and penitent to praise God.

praise

↓

- Is it my turn? - Absolutely.

absolutely

↓

- Step up. - Okay.

step

↓

Ahhh! No!

ahhh

↓

- I failed! - It's okay.

failed

↓

- I failed. I failed you. - Nah.

failed

↓

I failed God.

failed

↓

- All right, get me good. - Whoa. Hello.

whoa

↓

- What is... - I brought my cat-o'-nine-tails.

brought nine tails

↓

You know, so, flagellate me. Three-three lashes for missing.

missing three three-three

↓

Why would you want me to do that?

↓

So I could be a better boy.

↓

Mac, it isn't a sin to miss, okay? That's...

miss

↓

We don't punish ourselves for that.

punish

↓

You don't punish yourselves?

punish yourselves

↓

Then how do you become closer to God?

become closer

↓

By just appreciating the game and the wonderful day.

game

↓

Well, sure, yeah, it's a wonderful day now,

↓

but look at that storm coming.

coming storm

↓

That's impending doom right there.

↓

He probably sent that storm because I keep failing him.

failing sent storm

↓

Look, just relax, try it again,

relax

↓

and this time, hey, no guilt.

guilt

↓

No guilt?

guilt

↓

Okay.

↓

Oh, my. Yes!

↓

- I did it! I did it! - All right.

↓

In your face! I beat your asses.

asses beat face

↓

Whoa. Gay. Gay.

whoa

↓

Gay, gay, gay, gay.

↓

What are you doing? Why are you two kissing?

kissing

↓

Uh, because he's my husband, and we love each other.

husband love

↓

What's going on? What about God? You heard him.

heard

↓

He clapped and said, "No! Boom!"

boom

↓

You think thunder is God clapping?

clapping thunder

↓

Oh, no.

↓

Oh, no.

↓

You think there's gonna be anybody here with talent?

anybody talent

↓

I mean, this is a Christian cruise.

christian cruise

↓

This is gonna be boring as shit.

boring

↓

I'm anticipating a boring show.

anticipating boring

↓

Oh, there she is.

↓

- Sitting by me again, huh? - Shut up.

sitting

↓

I need something to wash the bird shit taste out of my mouth.

bird mouth taste wash

↓

- Oh, yeah. - I saw you guys. Where are the beers?

beers

↓

In the captain's stomach.

captains stomach

↓

Yeah, it's, uh...

↓

We kind of got, like, you know, caught with them.

caught

↓

All of them?

↓

- Yup. - Pretty much, yeah.

↓

I knew you couldn't stop from being gluttonous.

↓

Oh, you guys. Uh, all right, fine... It was a mistake, man.

mistake

↓

Give me the mouthwash. I need the mouthwash then.

↓

- That's gone, too. Charlie drank it. - I kind of drank all of it.

charlie drank gone

↓

- He needed to calm down. - You serious?

calm needed serious

↓

Goddamn it!

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

Whoa. See. Oh! See, I don't like the storm, man.

storm whoa

↓

The storm's starting to freak me out. You know what I mean?

freak starting storms

↓

- Yeah, WTF? - Yes, yes, the storm is intensifying.

storm

↓

And yet I remain calm in spite of the fact

calm fact remain remain-calm spite

↓

that this one here is dressed like this.

dressed

↓

- Uh... - That's just crazy.

crazy

↓

- This girl in the sweater? - He's been doing it all day.

girl sweater

↓

You think that's... Can you just... Can you just drop it?

drop

↓

Well, I would if she wouldn't always be sitting in my eyeline.

sitting

↓

Then again, that is what she does.

↓

She wants me looking at her at all times.

looking times wants

↓

She's driving me nuts, I'll tell you.

driving nuts

↓

Maybe I'll send her a drink or something.

drink send

↓

A virgin daiquiri for the virgin?

daiquiri virgin virgin-daiquiri

↓

Guys, guys,

↓

guys, guys, guys, guys, I've got news, I've got terrible news.

news

↓

Oh, see this is exactly what I wanted a vacation from.

vacation wanted

↓

There are two guys in this church...

church

↓

- Yeah. - ...that are gay.

↓

Who's the other guy?

↓

I don't get the joke.

joke

↓

What's wrong with that? So what?

↓

Well, guys, being gay is not Christian.

christian

↓

Oh!

↓

Oh, see? That's... That's freaking me out.

freaking

↓

That's the big man! That's the big man.

↓

I don't know what it is, but I don't like it.

↓

Let's go find our beer, man.

beer

↓

We're gonna go snoop around, see if we can find our beer.

beer snoop

↓

Recover that beer and bring some back.

beer bring recover

↓

- Yeah. Don't take 'em all. - And why is...

↓

Ladies and gents, it's talent show time.

gents ladies talent

↓

Please welcome Marlene, the magician.

magician welcome

↓

That's the bitch who stole my chair!

bitch chair stole

↓

Magic? The dark arts? Are you guys serious?

arts dark magic serious

↓

First the queers. Then sorcery?

↓

- This cruise is going straight to hell. - Okay.

cruise straight

↓

- I'm out of here! - All right. See ya.

↓

Peace be with you.

peace

↓

- We're not saying that other bit. - No.

↓

For my first trick tonight, I'm going to need a volunteer.

tonight trick volunteer

↓

Hmm. Hey, you, bird girl.

bird girl

↓

- Come on up. - Can you believe this bitch?

believe bitch

↓

Go. Go up.

↓

- I don't... - Bird girl.

bird girl

↓

Yes, we call her bird. We also call her a bird.

bird

↓

Oh, baby. See? These costumes are a great idea, Frank.

baby costumes frank idea

↓

So we can go anywhere we want on the ship now.

ship

↓

- Anywhere we want. - And nobody's gonna know.

nobodys

↓

That's not exactly the first mate's costume I had in mind.

costume mates mind

↓

- Hey, man, you said "first mate." - That's gonna do.

mate

↓

I was, like, Gilligan. That's the only guy I know.

gilligan

↓

Yeah, no. It's good. It's good.

↓

All right, so what do you think? We find the captain's quarters,

captains quarters

↓

- kick down the door, find our beer. - Oh, no.

beer door kick

↓

- Strangle the guy or something. - Oh, no, no.

strangle

↓

That beer? That beer is long gone.

beer gone

↓

- No, we don't want to do that. - Drank it, huh?

drank

↓

Oh, the party is right down here.

party

↓

- And right down here below deck. - This is the party?

deck party

↓

- That's right. This is it. - I don't hear anything.

↓

All I see is a bunch of pipes.

bunch pipes

↓

- How is this a party? - The pipes are the party.

party pipes

↓

The pipes are the party? What are you talking about?

party pipes

↓

Well, all the booze we're ever gonna need is running through these pipes.

booze pipes running

↓

So, what? Wait, wait. We're just gonna drink straight boat fuel?

boat drink fuel straight

↓

No. We're gonna cut it.

↓

With what?

↓

Mixers.

↓

- Hmm? - Mmm.

↓

Oh, good. Yeah, you got one of those.

↓

Lord, hear my prayer!

lord prayer

↓

The only reason I went to this church in the first place

church place reason

↓

was to become closer to you!

become closer

↓

Well, that and the other church was getting super Vietnamese.

church super vietnamese

↓

I just need to know my purpose!

purpose

↓

I-I used to think it was worship

used worship

↓

and then song and dance!

dance song

↓

I got to be honest, I've really taken to it,

honest taken

↓

and I think musicals are gonna become

become

↓

a huge part of my life moving forward!

forward huge life moving moving-forward part

↓

But now with these gay Christians,

christians

↓

I don't know!

↓

I need you to show me a sign

sign

↓

to tell me my purpose here!

purpose

↓

Maybe some lightning!

lightning

↓

Maybe some thunder?

thunder

↓

No?

↓

Should I have stuck with the Vietnamese?

stuck vietnamese

↓

Is this your card?

card

↓

Can I... Can I have the deck, please?

deck

↓

I-I got a trick that'll blow you guys out of the water.

blow thatll trick water

↓

Wait, I'm confused. Is that a challenge

challenge confused

↓

or a terrorist threat to the ship?

ship terrorist threat

↓

Give me the goddamn deck.

deck goddamn

↓

By all means.

↓

Pick a card, any card.

card pick

↓

Hmm...

↓

Now take a good look at that card, please.

card

↓

You might want to bring it a little bit closer,

bring closer might

↓

just so you can see it well. A little bit closer. Great.

closer

↓

Now, tell me, what suit is your card?

card suit

↓

- Spades. - Spades. Ooh. All right.

spades

↓

Now watch while I turn

watch

↓

- these spades into stars. - Oh!

spades stars

↓

Oh, shit!

↓

Who's getting shit on now, bitch?

bitch

↓

What is wrong with you?

↓

You knocked out my tooth!

knocked tooth

↓

Did I? That wasn't the plan.

plan

↓

I didn't mean to... I-I'm sorry.

↓

I didn't mean to do that.

↓

Get off the stage, bird girl!

bird girl stage

↓

She stole my chair at the pool, and I got so hot about it.

chair pool stole

↓

Hey, hey. What? No, no, no, no, no!

↓

Yeah!

↓

What? No. Aw, no, come on!

↓

Well, what is this, boat jail?

boat jail

↓

I'm not a goddamn Somali pirate, okay?

goddamn pirate

↓

No, wait, wait! Ah...

↓

Goddamn it.

goddamn goddamn-it

↓

...thunderstorms, capable of producing gale-force winds...

capable force producing winds

↓

The storm's worsening, Captain. What should we do?

captain storms

↓

Fire the torpedoes!

fire torpedoes

↓

- What? - Full steam ahead!

ahead full steam

↓

- Christ, not you again! - Frank, I think I found

christ found frank

↓

- where he's hiding the beer! - What do you got, Charlie?

beer charlie hiding

↓

- No, no, it's just, like, wires and stuff. - Oh, yeah?

stuff wires

↓

Put these men in the brig.

brig

↓

- Charlie. Ah, get your hands off... - Wait, wait.

charlie hands

↓

I'll dispose of those.

dispose

↓

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I know where... - No, no, don't let him drink that!

drink

↓

Don't let him drink our torpedo juice!

drink juice

↓

Dee?

↓

What'd you get thrown in for?

thrown whatd

↓

I couldn't control my wrath. You?

control wrath

↓

- Gluttony. - Yeah.

↓

Been drinking boat fuel and shit.

boat drinking fuel

↓

- Oh, sure. Sure. - Yeah.

↓

Oh, hello.

↓

Wow. I'm sorry. Didn't mean to scare you there.

scare

↓

Anyway, I, um... I should have introduced myself earlier.

introduced

↓

I'm the daiquiri man,

daiquiri

↓

but I suspect you already knew that, didn't you?

suspect

↓

Was it good? Was it sweet?

sweet

↓

I guess.

↓

Well, it either was or it wasn't.

↓

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

course

↓

- Yeah. No, I had one, too. - It was... It was sweet.

sweet

↓

You seem sweet.

sweet

↓

I've been watching you

watching

↓

and following you, of sorts.

following sorts

↓

You know, in a good way.

↓

So how'd you like that magic show?

howd magic

↓

Do you enjoy magic?

enjoy magic

↓

You know, I-I can do magic. Whoop.

magic whoop

↓

- Uh, how did you get that? - Get your license?

license

↓

Don't worry about it.

worry

↓

1996, though. That's good. That makes the cutoff.

cutoff makes

↓

There you go. I wasn't gonna steal it.

steal

↓

Um...

↓

So, how about this storm, huh?

storm

↓

I think it's kind of cool, you know?

cool

↓

Here we are on a boat, you know, out in the middle of...

boat middle

↓

Out in the middle of nowhere, and nobody would ever hear

middle nobody

↓

our screams in this wind, you know.

screams wind

↓

Oh.

↓

The thunder's really... It's throwing this whole thing off.

throwing whole

↓

It's making everything I say seem sinister,

sinister

↓

which it's not intended to be, you know what I mean?

intended

↓

- What's up? - I-I'm sorry. I have to go.

↓

No, no, no, no, no. No. Sorry, no.

↓

It's... There's nowhere to go.

↓

There's really nowhere to go.

↓

You know? So why don't I, uh, come in your room?

room

↓

"Come in your room." That's not what I meant.

meant room

↓

I would like to go in your room.

room

↓

Um, and I suspect that maybe you might say no, and yet...

might suspect

↓

I also feel like maybe

↓

you wouldn't dare.

dare

↓

Well, that's not supposed to happen.

happen supposed

↓

Guys, come on, come on! It was a misunderstanding!

misunderstanding

↓

The storm made it seem way worse than it is.

storm worse

↓

She was never in any danger.

danger

↓

Lust?

lust

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oh, my God, Mac. You're soaking wet. Are you okay?

soaking

↓

Yeah. I was out in the rain looking for a sign from God.

looking rain sign

↓

I never got the timing right,

timing

↓

but doesn't matter.

matter

↓

The point is, I thought I was here

point

↓

for you guys to open my mind.

mind open

↓

But now I realized I'm here to close yours!

close realized

↓

I'm sorry, what?

↓

Guys, I'm here to convert you.

convert

↓

From being gay.

↓

- You want to convert us? - Yeah!

convert

↓

You realize how insulting that is?

insulting realize

↓

How would you like it if I tried to convert you?

convert tried

↓

Uh... I wouldn't care. 'Cause that's, like, impossible.

care impossible

↓

There's no way you guys could convert me to your lifestyle.

convert lifestyle

↓

Let's give it a shot.

shot

↓

Well, I'm gay.

↓

- Yeah. - No shit.

↓

Oh, you guys knew this already?

↓

- That you were gay? - From the day we met.

↓

- I've been trying... - Yeah, always.

↓

- Whoa, really? - But what's going on?

whoa

↓

Did you just get tossed in here? Or, like, why are you in here?

tossed

↓

Oh, no, I just walked in on my own.

walked

↓

What? You let the door close behind you?

behind close door

↓

I couldn't find you guys. I wanted to hang out.

hang wanted

↓

I had something important to tell you.

↓

- What is it? - There is no God.

↓

- Well, what? - What is happening right now?

↓

Where are you getting this from?

↓

I was like... Okay.

↓

If there was a God, there's no way that he would make me queer, right?

queer

↓

I can't, I can't listen to this anymore. I got to get out of here.

anymore

↓

I can't be around you.

↓

I've got to get out of here!

↓

Got to get out of here!

↓

What are you squawking about?

squawking

↓

Let me out of here!

↓

Honestly, what's the point anyway? There's no meaning to any of it.

meaning point

↓

There's no God, there's no heaven,

heaven

↓

- there's no hell. - Wrong!

↓

Oh, I just wanted a couple of days.

couple days wanted

↓

Just a couple of days away from you guys.

couple days

↓

But I can't escape you!

escape

↓

You know where hell is, Mac?

↓

You know where hell is? It's right here.

↓

It's right now.

↓

We are in hell!

↓

Oh, Jesus.

jesus

↓

What the shit was that?