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Home » Silicon Valley » S04E09 — Hooli-Con

Silicon Valley

Season 4, Episode 9 — Hooli-Con

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Hooli-Con

Air date: June 18, 2017

Director: Mike Judge

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

While Erlich goes on a trip to get his mojo back, the Pied Piper guys take to Hooli-Con to pull off a stealth operation. There, an ethically challenged Jared tries to keep himself in the dark, Gilfoyle and Dinesh get distracted by Keenan and Richard's obsession with an ex's new beau leads him to put their whole plan in jeopardy.

Source: TMDB

↓

Just think about it.

↓

On Saturday, over a quarter-million people

million quarter saturday

↓

are gonna stream through that building.

building stream

↓

A veritable who's who of nobodies.

↓

Richard, we've tried marketing at trade shows.

marketing richard shows trade tried

↓

We suck at it.

suck

↓

No, I'm not talking about that.

↓

Let me ask you this:

↓

We need 120,000 phones, right?

phones

↓

What is the first thing

↓

people do when they get in there?

↓

Log on to free Wi-Fi.

free

↓

But Hooli makes you download

download makes

↓

the Hoolicon app in order to sign in.

order sign

↓

So, what if we somehow hack our code onto the app?

code hack

↓

Then we will have our 120,000 phones all in one day.

phones

↓

I'm sorry. You're... you're talking about sneaking our code

code sneaking

↓

onto people's phones without them even knowing about it?

knowing peoples phones

↓

I mean, that's malware, Richard.

malware richard

↓

No. No, no, no. Think of it more as, um,

↓

forced adoption through aggressive guerrilla marketing.

adoption aggressive forced marketing

↓

Well, as a product of forced adoption,

adoption forced product

↓

I can assure you there are consequences.

assure consequences

↓

- I like it. - Well, hold on.

↓

Even if we get our code into that app and onto all those phones,

code phones

↓

people are just gonna delete the app as soon as the conference is over.

conference delete

↓

People don't delete apps.

apps delete

↓

I'm telling you. Get your phones out right now.

phones telling

↓

Uh, Hipstamatic.

↓

Vine, may she rest in peace.

peace rest

↓

- NipAlert? - McCain/Palin.

↓

All right, this works in theory,

theory works

↓

but... penetrating the Hooli servers

servers

↓

to hack their shitty convention app?

convention hack shitty

↓

We'd need a black hat ninja for this one.

black ninja

↓

I wonder where we can find someone like that.

wonder

↓

No.

↓

It's so great to see you, Mia.

↓

- How's Pakistan? - It's so great.

↓

I was there for a while, and as I said before,

↓

I have to go back there right after this

↓

for an extended period of time.

period

↓

Anyway, how's all this stuff going?

stuff

↓

You must be, like, dying of boredom.

dying must

↓

I am, but the terms of my plea agreement

agreement plea terms

↓

forbid me to touch a computer or go online, so.

computer forbid online touch

↓

Let me run a hypothetical by you,

hypothetical

↓

just to, like, exercise your brain.

brain exercise

↓

Like, for instance, if I had to hack

hack instance

↓

the Hooli app servers, mess with an app,

mess servers

↓

and push it out over a venue's free Wi-Fi...

free push

↓

how would I do it?

↓

It's a trick question, right?

question trick

↓

Because you wouldn't hack the app server.

hack server

↓

You'd just launch a man-in-the-middle attack with Pineapples.

attack launch middle pineapples

↓

Google it. Speaking of...

google speaking

↓

if they even catch me talking about this,

catch

↓

they could send me to maximum security prison,

maximum prison security send

↓

but I think I found a way to get online.

found online

↓

- No. - There's a computer in the library

computer library

↓

that's not supervised on Sundays.

sundays

↓

I think if I can pull library duty, I'll be able to sneak on

able duty library pull sneak

↓

and track down whoever ratted me out.

ratted track

↓

I am going to destroy that motherfucker.

destroy motherfucker

↓

Not if I destroy him first.

destroy

↓

Excuse me. What's your policy on anonymous tips?

anonymous excuse policy tips

↓

- sync and corrections by Mr. C - - www.addic7ed.com -

corrections sync

↓

Fuck. Wi-Fi Pineapples. It's so obvious.

fuck obvious pineapples

↓

Not to me.

↓

Look, we set up a bunch of these at Hoolicon.

bunch

↓

We position ourselves between everyone's devices and the real Wi-Fi.

devices everyones position real

↓

So, they log onto our boxes

boxes

↓

and our boxes log onto the real Wi-Fi?

boxes real

↓

- Exactly. - So, we show them a fake landing page,

fake landing page

↓

and force everyone to download a doctored version of the Hoolicon app.

download force version

↓

And they'll never know the difference.

difference

↓

No wonder Mia's in prison. She's brilliant.

brilliant prison wonder

↓

- I think this might actually work. - Wrong!

might

↓

It'll never work.

itll

↓

You don't even know what we've been talking about.

↓

I don't need to, Richard.

richard

↓

The truth is, we've tried and tried.

tried truth

↓

Every time we've gotten a whiff of success,

gotten success whiff

↓

a giant pelican by the name of Fate

fate giant name pelican

↓

takes a four-and-a-half-pound shit right on top of us.

four half pound takes

↓

There are people who are destined for greatness and people who are not.

destined greatness

↓

Richard, it seems you and I... are not.

richard seems

↓

And so, I've had enough.

↓

I'm ending it all tonight.

ending tonight

↓

Suicide? I have a book for you.

book suicide

↓

No, Gilf. Last night, when I was sitting out there

night sitting

↓

by the smoldering husk of my palapa,

husk

↓

- so cruelly taken away from me... - You burned it down yourself.

burned taken

↓

which led me to my epiphany.

↓

This epiphany.

↓

"Greetings from Tibet. If you find yourself in Qamdo prefecture,

greetings

↓

do drop in. Gavin Belson."

drop

↓

That was addressed to me.

addressed

↓

No, that was addressed to "Richard Hendricks and company."

addressed company richard

↓

Company, of which I am a part.

company part

↓

You're not seriously thinking of going to Tibet?

thinking

↓

You're broke. How the fuck are you gonna pay for that?

broke fuck

↓

That's where you come in, my great friends.

friends

↓

I figured we might pass the hat?

figured might pass

↓

Just give whatever you are comfortable with.

comfortable

↓

I'll pay for it, whatever it costs.

costs

↓

Well, it seems the smallest of us has the biggest heart.

biggest heart seems smallest

↓

Thank you, young Jinathon.

young

↓

- Business class? - Premium economy.

business class economy premium

↓

You fly one way.

↓

Don't you need a visa to go to China?

china

↓

Yes. I can call my uncle in Beijing.

uncle

↓

He's very corrupt.

corrupt

↓

That sounded... ominous,

ominous sounded

↓

but, gents, it's as I was saying:

gents

↓

Where there's a will, there's a way...

↓

just not for you guys.

↓

No, I will not help you on this mission.

mission

↓

No?

↓

Richard, we always said we didn't want to end up like Hooli.

richard

↓

How are we like Hooli?

↓

We are trying to give free Internet to the entire world.

entire entire-world free internet world

↓

If we have to bend a few rules here and there...

bend rules

↓

I mean, it's all for the greater good, is it not?

greater

↓

Gavin Belson started out with lofty goals too,

goals started

↓

but he just kept excusing immoral behavior just like this,

behavior

↓

until one day all that was left was a sad man with funny shoes...

funny left shoes

↓

disgraced, friendless, and engorged with the blood of a youthful charlatan.

blood

↓

I am never going to be...

↓

any of that.

↓

Richard, not that long ago,

richard

↓

you agonized over using a stolen log-in

stolen using

↓

to get into a bake-off with Endframe,

bake

↓

a company that stole from us.

company stole

↓

But now you're, what, shrugging off

↓

large-scale cybercrimes against innocent civilians?

innocent scale

↓

It's a means to an end. It's not who I am.

↓

I mean, Lincoln had to suspend habeas corpus to end the war,

lincoln

↓

- but he restored it after. - Lincoln?

lincoln restored

↓

Richard, it's not that easy.

easy richard

↓

There's always a next time and a next time and a next time.

↓

I cannot knowingly contribute to your moral decay.

cannot contribute moral

↓

Well, what if you didn't do it... knowingly?

↓

You're always telling me how you spent your entire childhood

childhood entire spent telling

↓

pretending that everything going on around you was okay.

pretending

↓

- Uncle Jerry's game. - Yeah, that.

game uncle

↓

Let's play Uncle Jerry's game.

game uncle

↓

Do you know what you're asking?

asking

↓

Okay, guys, how we looking?

looking

↓

- One second. - Almost done.

second

↓

All 12 Pineapples tested and packed.

packed pineapples tested

↓

Jared, you can come in now.

jared

↓

All right, all of our swag is in the car,

↓

and I look forward to a successful promotion

forward promotion successful

↓

of our legitimate space-saving app.

legitimate saving space

↓

Yup, that's what this is.

↓

Whatever.

↓

Well, now, gentlemen, this is it. Goodbye.

gentlemen goodbye

↓

Obviously, I don't care to make a big deal out of it,

care deal obviously

↓

so I think it's sufficient just to go around

↓

and each of you say a memory or two

memory

↓

of times where I've profoundly impacted your life.

life times

↓

It doesn't have to be a profound impact.

impact profound

↓

We're leaving now.

leaving

↓

- What? - International flight.

flight international

↓

Four hours early.

early four four-hours hours

↓

No, international flights are three hours early.

early flights hours international three three-hours

↓

It's a new rule.

rule

↓

Gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

Okay, let's have some fun.

fun

↓

First hurdle down. We're past security.

past security

↓

That made me nervous, sneaking all that shit in.

nervous sneaking

↓

Why? We're bringing tech to a tech convention.

bringing convention tech

↓

When did Pied Piper get added to the vendor list?

added list piper

↓

Oh.

↓

That looks like us.

↓

Oh no, that can't be.

↓

No. This is not what I was promised.

promised

↓

- What? It's fine. - But they told me

↓

that we would have prominent placement

placement prominent

↓

with proximity to high-traffic corridor.

traffic

↓

We're in the middle of the road here.

middle road

↓

- So? - Yeah, who gives a fuck?

fuck gives

↓

Well, Jared does, and... and we do as well.

jared

↓

Uh, you know what? Why don't you go check out

check

↓

what the bathroom situation's like?

bathroom situations

↓

- Yes. Nothing would make me happier. - Good.

happier

↓

You know, I actually believe him.

believe

↓

Okay.

↓

So, gentlemen,

gentlemen

↓

okay, while Jared's gone, let's get our bearings.

gone

↓

All right, so, we are here.

↓

Now, you guys deploy the Pineapples.

pineapples

↓

Start with high-traffic areas, so that means entrances.

areas start traffic

↓

People are setting up equipment everywhere,

equipment setting

↓

so it shouldn't look that unusual,

unusual

↓

but be careful, don't get caught,

careful caught

↓

- and remember why we are here. - Richard?

remember richard

↓

Whoa. Winnie.

whoa

↓

- Hey. - Hello. Hi.

↓

Yeah. Oh.

↓

I haven't seen you since...

seen

↓

Since you threw yourself down a flight of stairs

flight stairs threw

↓

to prove how smart you were.

prove smart

↓

- That whole spaces-tab thing was... - Kind of petty?

petty spaces whole

↓

Petty? No, I was gonna say "illustrative of our vast differences."

differences petty vast

↓

- Right. - What are you doing here?

↓

I'm here helping my friend launch his new company.

company friend helping launch

↓

Oh.

↓

"My friend." He's actually my boyfriend.

boyfriend friend

↓

- That's his booth right there. - Oh wow.

booth

↓

He's got a big one... I mean the booth.

booth

↓

But, um, boyfriend, uh-oh.

boyfriend

↓

- Awkward. - Why?

awkward

↓

Nothing. It's not. It's actually... it's cool.

cool

↓

Totally cool. Cool beans.

beans cool

↓

Beans, beans, magical fruit.

beans fruit magical

↓

The more you eat, the more you...

↓

- Toot? - Toot.

toot

↓

Hey, Joel? Come over and meet Richard.

joel meet richard

↓

Oh, not... not needed.

needed

↓

- Joel, Richard. - Not needed. Hey.

joel needed richard

↓

Oh. Stairs guy.

stairs

↓

Uh, that's quite a booth you got there.

booth

↓

Oh, yes, thank you. We really think

↓

our company's message is worth getting out there.

companys message worth

↓

Yeah, us too. Us too.

↓

Um, we're just trying to be a bit responsible with the spending.

responsible spending

↓

Sure, but when I sold my last company,

company sold

↓

I realized I had the luxury to invest in something I believe in.

believe invest luxury realized

↓

- Mmm. - Helping humanity thrive.

helping humanity thrive

↓

That's why I decided to bring PeaceFare into the world.

bring decided world

↓

Ah, good for you.

↓

Okay. It was great to meet you, Richard.

meet richard

↓

Yeah, and you too.

↓

- Good seeing you. - Not if I see you first.

seeing

↓

Not that you asked, but you handled that very poorly.

asked handled poorly

↓

You know, Jian-Yang, the silence in the car gave me some time to think

silence yang

↓

about the fact that our differences... Jesus!

differences fact jesus

↓

Sorry.

↓

Jian-Yang!

yang

↓

- Fuck you, fat fuck. - Pineapple two is a go.

fuck pineapple

↓

Fucking look at him, pictures everywhere.

fucking pictures

↓

Fucking bearded baby.

baby bearded fucking

↓

Cost us millions of dollars.

cost dollars millions

↓

It would make me very happy

happy

↓

to pour boiling metal down Keenan Feldspar's asshole.

asshole boiling metal pour

↓

How would that even work?

↓

Flip and pour.

flip pour

↓

He's gonna run, and then you're slowly chasing him,

chasing slowly

↓

trying to not spill your vat of boiling metal.

boiling metal spill

↓

- You're gonna look like a fucking idiot. - Fuck you.

fuck fucking fucking-idiot idiot

↓

- Anybody looking? - No, just go.

anybody looking

↓

What's taking you so long? Hurry up!

hurry

↓

What are you boys up to?

boys

↓

All right? I go through my slides. Click, click, click.

click slides

↓

Jamiroquai plays.

plays

↓

Now, I would very much like to welcome my good friend,

friend welcome

↓

Keenan Feldspar!

feldspar

↓

- Where the fuck is he? - Yo.

fuck

↓

Son, you're supposed to be coming up from over there.

coming supposed

↓

Totally, I'm just really kind of digging the vibe over on this side.

digging side vibe

↓

- Uh, Terry? - Yeah?

terry

↓

- Kid wants to come from over here. - Okay.

wants

↓

Excuse me, sir, do you have a moment?

excuse moment

↓

This morning, Pied Piper were

morning piper

↓

a last-minute add to the vendor list,

list minute

↓

so I started watching them and noticed some suspicious behavior.

behavior noticed started suspicious watching

↓

I sent in for our tactical response team,

response sent tactical team

↓

and with your permission, I'd like to sweep

permission sweep

↓

the convention floor with Yagi antennas, which are...

convention floor

↓

- Hoover. - Yes, sir.

hoover

↓

Four days ago, I spent $2 billion

billion days four four-days spent

↓

on a piece-of-shit VR gadget that's never gonna work.

piece

↓

I had to rebuild the entire operating system

entire operating rebuild system

↓

just to get a 90-second demo that could play on a phone.

demo phone second

↓

And by the grace of God, I just may have pulled it off.

grace pulled

↓

And now you want to talk to me about Pied fucking Piper?

fucking piper

↓

Sir, I'd like to think that if Gavin Belson were here, we'd make sure...

↓

Gavin fucking Belson is not here 'cause I fired his ass!

fired fucking

↓

Now, look, you go back to your little security room,

room security

↓

you sit in the corner with a tinfoil hat on,

corner

↓

and I swear, if I hear you wandered down the hallway

hallway swear wandered

↓

to take a piss, you are out on your ass.

piss

↓

You got that?

↓

I do, sir.

↓

You know what? This might be a good time for me to hand out some flyers.

flyers hand might

↓

Richard, six Pineapples up, six to go.

pineapples richard

↓

- Good. - Something wrong?

↓

Yeah, actually. Very wrong.

↓

PeaceFare is a game.

game

↓

- What? - Yeah, look at his website.

website

↓

Give virtual coins to virtual homeless people.

coins homeless virtual

↓

Grow virtual corn to feed virtual starving villages.

corn feed grow starving virtual

↓

What the fuck, right? I mean, he's over there

fuck

↓

making all this noise about turning your mobile device into an empathy machine,

device empathy machine mobile noise turning

↓

- but it's not doing anything. - Fascinating, Richard.

fascinating richard

↓

Have you heard anything about how Pied fucking Piper is doing?

fucking heard piper

↓

Yes, our code is in the app, the Pineapples are online,

code online pineapples

↓

and we're at 3700 downloads. We're ahead of schedule.

ahead schedule

↓

Shit. This could work.

↓

That's awesome.

awesome

↓

Yeah, exactly.

↓

We are doing something real.

real

↓

He is not, but she's with him,

↓

and I'm the petty one. Okay, well, what about the idea

idea petty

↓

of growing real corn to feed real starving people?

corn feed growing real starving

↓

- No. - Yeah, his thing seems way easier.

easier seems

↓

Yeah, you can do it on your phone in your underwear.

phone underwear

↓

Just... plant the rest of the Pineapples, please.

pineapples plant rest

↓

- Oh! Here he comes, folks. - Oh, thanks.

comes folks thanks

↓

Richard Hendricks, the Monet of compressionism.

richard

↓

Jared.

jared

↓

Hey, which of the bathrooms is closest?

bathrooms closest

↓

Uh, end of the row, 78 paces to the right.

↓

Great.

↓

Do you know this is the actual laptop I used to code the app.

actual code laptop used

↓

Hey, let's take some without my shoes, yeah? Perfect.

perfect shoes

↓

Okay. Oh, hey, come.

↓

Yeah, so please start with my toes.

start toes

↓

Oh, nice.

↓

Can you... And these are photos of irrigation,

photos

↓

captured in the rain.

captured rain

↓

Yeah, it's gonna look great.

↓

Yeah, like that.

↓

Poverty and penthos.

poverty

↓

That looks so good.

↓

Let's do another one. Go on the other side.

another side

↓

Yeah.

↓

- Did you do this? - What? What?

↓

Did anyone see someone touch this laptop?

laptop touch

↓

- Hmm? What? - Oh God.

↓

This is very disturbing.

disturbing

↓

Fuck it. I'm just gonna punch him.

fuck punch

↓

Yeah, right. Have fun in jail, you moron.

fun jail moron

↓

- Oh shit. - Oh fuck, it's him.

fuck

↓

- What do we do? - Uh, keep moving.

moving

↓

Fuck, do you think he saw us?

fuck

↓

Oh, he saw us.

↓

- Fuck. - He saw us see him.

fuck

↓

Shit. Wait. What if he thinks we did it on purpose,

purpose thinks

↓

like, we snubbed him?

↓

Fuck yeah. We just snubbed the fuck out of Keenan Feldspar.

feldspar fuck

↓

- Hey, Richard. - Hey.

richard

↓

I'm letting everyone know you might want to reset your critical passwords,

critical letting might reset

↓

because we've been hacked.

hacked

↓

Oh! Uh, why... why would you say that?

↓

Someone changed my PeaceFare screensaver...

changed

↓

Hmm?

↓

and I know it wasn't anyone on my team,

team

↓

because they all respect me too much.

respect

↓

What did they change it to? If you don't mind me asking, just 'cause...

asking change mind

↓

No, no, I won't dignify it by repeating it.

repeating

↓

I'm just saying you should take precautions.

↓

Also, Winnie spoke to security,

security spoke

↓

and they're sending the tactical response team.

response sending tactical team

↓

The what?

↓

The... Oh, here they are.

↓

Oh shit.

↓

Bingo. We've got hostiles.

bingo

↓

Red team, Sebastian, fan out and sweep the entire venue.

entire sebastian sweep team

↓

Hey, Richard. Guess who has four thumbs

four richard thumbs

↓

- and just snubbed Keenan Feldspar. - Us.

feldspar

↓

Guys, someone called security, now they're doing a sweep of the area.

area called security sweep

↓

What?

↓

Okay? You've gotta go pull all the Pineapples.

pineapples pull

↓

What the fuck? Who ratted us out?

fuck ratted

↓

I don't know. Probably we'll never know. It's impossible to tell.

impossible

↓

Just go. Go get... get them now.

↓

Go. Just go. Please.

↓

Oh.

↓

- Bingo. - Fuck!

bingo fuck

↓

Come on.

↓

Bingo.

bingo

↓

Oh crap. We've got to split up.

split

↓

I'll take the food court. You take the east concourse.

court east food food-court

↓

- I want the food court. - Just go!

court food food-court

↓

Fuck.

fuck

↓

- Hey, man. - F-f-f-fucking Keenan.

fucking

↓

- Hey, I have to go. - Totally. Hey, did you snub me earlier?

↓

- No. - Yeah, you did.

↓

You know you did.

↓

You made me feel bad.

↓

I like to feel good. Why would you do that to me?

↓

Seriously?

↓

You fucked us, Keenan.

fucked

↓

Richard was gonna take that deal,

deal richard

↓

and then you pulled it right out from under us.

pulled

↓

You cost me, personally, a shit-ton of money.

cost money personally

↓

Whoa. Is that what Richard told you?

richard whoa

↓

Hey. So? They got every single one, every single last one.

single

↓

- Fuck! - I don't want to hear this.

fuck

↓

But we gotta be close, right? Like, how many more phones do we need?

close phones

↓

I don't know. Close isn't good enough. No, this is binary.

close

↓

Either we have enough or we don't.

↓

Oh f-f-f-fuck. Okay, I have an idea.

fuck idea

↓

So, I've got one Pineapple left. Now, I've rigged some batteries on top of it,

batteries left pineapple rigged

↓

- because we're gonna have to go mobile. - Oh.

mobile

↓

We have to try. Okay, I'm going to put this in your backpack.

backpack

↓

- Oh no. - No, it's fine.

↓

- I don't want it. I don't want it. - Dinesh, it's fine.

↓

And you, you're gonna hold this kill switch,

kill switch

↓

and then you're gonna walk into the most densely populated area you can find.

area walk

↓

All right? If you see the security coming,

coming security

↓

remember, you press that button and, poof, you're gone.

button gone poof press remember

↓

Yeah? Okay.

↓

I'll get as many of those motherfuckers as I can.

motherfuckers

↓

We'll be rewarded in the end.

rewarded

↓

When the fuck were you gonna tell us?

fuck

↓

- Tell you what? - You know what, fat sack of shit.

sack

↓

- Richard, do you know what? - No, I don't.

richard

↓

I-I... I don't know what. Dinesh, you need to move.

↓

Well, not until I find out if you know what.

↓

- Go on. - Okay, fine.

↓

Fine. I messed with Joel's screensaver, and then he told security,

messed security

↓

and now they're the ones pulling up all the Pineapples.

ones pineapples pulling

↓

- What the fuck are you talking about? - What are you talking about?

fuck

↓

You acted like you wanted to take Keenan Feldspar's offer.

acted offer wanted

↓

Well, I just ran into him. He said you turned him down.

turned

↓

Well, n... Okay, well... Who are you going to believe, me or him?

believe

↓

Him. He showed me the e-mail you sent him.

mail sent showed

↓

Showed you the e-mail?

mail showed

↓

You fucking snake.

fucking snake

↓

Dinesh, you need to move, now. Look, he pulled the deal.

deal pulled

↓

Yeah, but you didn't know that when you sent him the e-mail, did you?

mail sent

↓

Dinesh, you need to move. I mean, come on.

↓

- You need to go. Go. Go. - Gentlemen.

gentlemen

↓

I'm going to have to see the contents of that backpack.

backpack contents

↓

Um...

↓

Bingo.

bingo

↓

Huh.

↓

What did you change it to, Richard?

change richard

↓

What?

↓

Joel's screensaver.

↓

It doesn't matter now.

matter

↓

No?

↓

PoopFare.

↓

I'm sorry. PoopFare?

↓

Yeah, it was, like, a play on the name.

name

↓

Is it a play on the name? PissFare would be way better.

name

↓

Or PenisFare.

↓

Or PeaceFart. That's just changing one letter.

changing letter

↓

Look, he... he turned around. I had, like, a second, okay?

second turned

↓

It's the best I could come up with.

best

↓

PoopFare?

↓

PoopFare?

↓

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

serious

↓

You sacrificed...

sacrificed

↓

everything that we've worked for...

worked

↓

for PoopFare?

↓

How was PoopFare...

↓

for the greater good?

greater

↓

It wasn't.

↓

You compared yourself to Abraham Lincoln, Richard.

abraham abraham-lincoln compared lincoln richard

↓

Can you do me a favor?

favor

↓

Can you say it so I know I'm not hallucinating?

hallucinating

↓

- I just did. - Just...

↓

- Just say it. - say it.

↓

- Jared. - Richard, look me in the eyes!

eyes jared richard

↓

Look me in the eyes, and you name...

eyes name

↓

- our undoing! - Hey, come on. Calm down now.

calm

↓

PoopFare! You reckless child.

child reckless

↓

Gentlemen. Come with me, please.

gentlemen

↓

Sit down.

↓

Well, well, well.

↓

Richard Hendricks.

richard

↓

Sorry, do I know you?

↓

No... but I know all about you.

↓

These Wi-Fi Pineapples... are they yours?

pineapples

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

And this image from the security footage?

footage image security

↓

Smell anything?

smell

↓

These two individuals look familiar to you?

familiar individuals

↓

Last question.

question

↓

Do you recognize this?

recognize

↓

It's an interview I just found from Code/Rag

code found interview

↓

from October of this year,

october

↓

in which you said you and Gavin Belson would, quote,

quote

↓

"put Jack Barker out of a job."

jack

↓

Did you say that, Richard?

richard

↓

You know what? Yes. Yeah.

↓

Yeah, this is me.

↓

Because apparently everything I say or type

apparently type

↓

gets me into trouble, because I'm a... idiot.

idiot trouble

↓

Well now.

↓

Tenley!

↓

What the hell are these gentlemen doing in my office?

gentlemen office

↓

We caught them with Pineapples.

caught pineapples

↓

You mean the Pineapples that I hired them to bring to the conference

bring conference hired pineapples

↓

as part of a covert penetration test of our Wi-Fi security?

part penetration security test

↓

- Sorry, we didn't know. - You weren't supposed to.

supposed

↓

Now, give these gentlemen their passes and equipment back

equipment gentlemen passes

↓

and get them back on the floor.

floor

↓

You know, you said some very nice things

↓

about Gavin Belson in that interview.

interview

↓

You could've very easily kicked a good man when he was down.

couldve easily kicked

↓

Good luck with whatever it is you're doing.

luck

↓

I'd walk you down myself, but for reasons I really can't get into...

reasons walk

↓

I'm not allowed to leave this room.

allowed room

↓

Okay.

↓

There you are. You never came back to the booth.

booth

↓

You didn't want to see how it all turned out?

turned

↓

I wasn't really in the mood.

mood

↓

Are you playing PeaceFare?

playing

↓

Yeah. I just gave an orphan her first calculator.

↓

Good. Good.

↓

But I've got something much better.

↓

See that number?

number

↓

That is the number of installs

number

↓

that we've got from Hoolicon alone.

alone

↓

We have moved all of Melcher's data

data moved

↓

onto a network of mobile devices.

devices mobile network

↓

- We did it. - Do Dinesh and Gilfoyle know?

↓

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they know.

↓

Now that this worked, they like me again.

worked

↓

They're off getting churros to celebrate.

celebrate

↓

I told them that we would meet them at Barker's keynote, so...

meet

↓

come on.

↓

I mean...

↓

Richard, the fact that you think that success justifies all your behavior...

behavior fact richard success

↓

We were in crisis mode, okay?

crisis mode

↓

And yeah, I lost my head, but crisis averted,

crisis head lost

↓

so it's time to reinstate habeas corpus, huh?

↓

Be Honest Abe again.

honest

↓

What about the next crisis, Richard?

crisis richard

↓

Jared, this won't happen again. I swear.

happen jared swear

↓

So, let's just enjoy it...

enjoy

↓

for a minute.

minute

↓

Please.

↓

Come on, give it up!

↓

I love this company!

company love

↓

And how about you?

↓

And how about Jamiroquai?

↓

Ladies and gentlemen, oh, let's have it.

gentlemen ladies

↓

But wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

minute

↓

Wasn't the original title of their chart-topping hit "Virtual Insanity"?

chart insanity original title virtual

↓

Why is he singing "Virtual Reality"?

reality singing virtual

↓

You know, I may need a little help

↓

getting to the bottom of this

bottom

↓

from my very good friend, Keenan Feldspar!

feldspar friend

↓

Oh! There he is! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

↓

You guys ready to see the future?

future ready

↓

You know, at the beginning of the presentation,

beginning presentation

↓

I told all of you to update your HooliPhone OS, right?

update

↓

Now, I want you to go into "Settings,"

settings

↓

and you're gonna find a brand-new toggle labeled "HooliVR."

brand

↓

Woo!

↓

You're gonna want to turn that on.

↓

Now, look under your seats.

seats

↓

When you power up your HooliVR goggles,

goggles power

↓

they will "automagically" pair with your phone.

pair phone

↓

Put 'em on

↓

and prepare to be amazed!

amazed prepare

↓

Say hi to that barmaid for me.

↓

Huh? Oh! Ow!

↓

Oh shit! Fuck!

fuck

↓

What's going on?

↓

Uh, turn up the lights, please. Something's happening here.

lights somethings

↓

Uh, stay calm.

calm

↓

You don't think this had anything to do with us, do you?

↓

We appear to have a bit of a technical problem.

appear problem technical

↓

I'm going to get to the bottom of this right away.

bottom

↓

Ow! Fuck!

fuck

↓

Gelong-la, there is a loud man here to see you.

loud

↓

He says you sent for him.

sent

↓

Qamdo in the house!

house

↓

Whoa! Haircut?

haircut whoa

↓

Are you fucking kidding me?

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

No.

↓

I'm really here.