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Home » Silicon Valley » S04E06 — Customer Service

Silicon Valley

Season 4, Episode 6 — Customer Service

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Customer Service

Air date: May 28, 2017

Director: Clay Tarver

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

On the hunt for financial support, Richard looks outside the tech bubble, and crosses paths with a contentious figure from Pied Piper's past. Erlich reaches out to Monica and Laurie in search of a new endeavor. A launch gone wrong finds Dinesh and Gilfoyle at war as Jared tries to keep the peace.

Source: TMDB

↓

♪ ♪

↓

You know what? Should we...

↓

- Fuck yeah. - Yeah. Yeah.

fuck

↓

Uh, yeah, I guess just put it in the garage.

garage

↓

Oh. Uh, where I sleep?

sleep

↓

Yeah, it's just, it's the only place with room.

place room

↓

Okay. Uh, well, it's good to face your fears.

face fears

↓

I was scared of intruders till I had one of those in my room,

room scared till

↓

and then I realized, you know, if they're gonna kill me, they're gonna kill me.

kill realized

↓

'Cause he kept... whispering that.

whispering

↓

All right.

↓

♪ Yeah, I alone love you ♪

alone love

↓

- Hey, Russ. - "Hey, Russ"?

↓

- Fuck you, Richard Hendricks! - Fuck me regarding?

fuck regarding richard

↓

It's all over the blogs. You took our idea to Gavin Belson?

idea

↓

Whoa. I'm sorry. Our idea?

idea whoa

↓

Yeah, the new Internet. We came up with that together,

internet

↓

standing outside of my kid's school... former school.

former kids school standing

↓

Uh, no, um, you told me to name an idea,

idea name

↓

and so I named one. That was my idea, you were just standing there.

idea named standing

↓

Yeah, pulling it out of you like a newborn baby.

baby pulling

↓

Okay, but, well, if a doctor pulls a baby out of a pregnant woman,

baby doctor pregnant pregnant-woman pulls woman

↓

the doctor doesn't get to then keep the baby.

baby doctor

↓

Okay, first of all, my ex-wife is fucking the doctor

doctor fucking wife

↓

that delivered my son, and they're suing for full custody,

custody delivered full suing

↓

so you're wrong. Second of all, this isn't a baby.

baby second

↓

Stop trying to change the subject, Richard!

change richard subject

↓

Okay, well, uh, I had to go to Gavin,

↓

because he owned the patent

owned patent

↓

which, as it turns out, he just signed over to me.

signed turns

↓

So, um, it's actually good that you're here,

↓

because... you want in and we need funding,

funding

↓

especially since no VC in town will touch us, not even Monica's new firm.

especially firm touch town

↓

So, Gavin pulls out, and you want me to be your sloppy seconds.

pulls seconds sloppy

↓

It's always about my money, isn't it?

money

↓

Uh, well, you are an investor, so what else would it be about?

investor

↓

- My idea! - It was my idea!

idea

↓

Well, then fund it yourself. Fuck you, Richard Hendricks.

fuck fund richard

↓

Fuck you right in your little asshole,

asshole fuck

↓

and not in the beautiful way, like Grandpa and Pedro.

grandpa pedro

↓

Uh, what the hell was that?

↓

That was the last wealthy guy in Silicon Valley that would even fucking talk to us.

fucking silicon silicon-valley valley wealthy

↓

Maybe I'll give him a day to cool off, try him again tomorrow or something.

cool tomorrow

↓

Not so sure about that.

↓

- Oh, come on. - Payback's a bitch,

bitch

↓

isn't it, Richard? Woo-hoo!

richard

↓

I don't think he knows that's not your car.

knows

↓

Real estate listings? What, are you looking to move out?

estate looking real real-estate

↓

No, I'm just taking a little Redfin holiday.

holiday

↓

I find there's a certain escapist allure to real estate listings.

certain estate real real-estate

↓

I like that one.

↓

Too bad it's 10 times what I can afford,

afford times

↓

'cause, you know, I quit Periscope to go work

quit

↓

for a company with zero prospects, 'cause fuck me.

company fuck zero

↓

Well, with preconstruction pricing, this one's

ones

↓

actually only six times more than you could afford.

afford times

↓

So now, let's go into Amazon

amazon

↓

and see what we could buy...

↓

with all those imaginary savings.

imaginary savings

↓

Wait a minute.

minute

↓

What if we don't need an investor at all?

investor

↓

Fuck all these VCs.

fuck

↓

What if all we need is a customer?

customer

↓

Customer for what? We haven't built the product yet.

built customer product

↓

Well, uh, neither have all those condo builders, right?

condo

↓

I mean, they are offering a discount to people who buy before they build.

build discount offering

↓

We can do the same thing, but with data storage.

data storage

↓

That sounds like a scam.

scam sounds

↓

Well, no, it's actually common practice.

common practice

↓

It's how I bought my condo. The scam came after

bought condo scam

↓

when I rented to a squatter who wouldn't leave.

rented

↓

Granted, there's no shortage of huge corporations

corporations granted huge

↓

with vast amounts of data, but it's highly risky.

amounts data highly risky vast

↓

I mean, Richard, we'd be offering to store data

data offering richard store

↓

on a network of cellphones before we built the app or the network.

built network

↓

Yeah, but look, look, it's no more risky

risky

↓

than working with all these crazy billionaires.

crazy working

↓

I mean, Jack and his boxes.

boxes jack

↓

Gavin just fucked off to go find himself who knows where.

fucked knows

↓

Peter died.

died peter

↓

Yeah, I guess that makes him crazy.

crazy makes

↓

The point is, if you don't draw the line in the sand

draw line point sand

↓

when some guy pisses in your car, where do you, you know?

pisses

↓

Did someone piss in someone's car?

piss someones

↓

Not literally, no. It's a, uh,

↓

It's a figure of speech, an old one.

figure speech

↓

Ah, an adage.

↓

Anyway, uh, Jared, let's get a deck together on this.

deck jared

↓

Aye, aye, Captain. And, uh, just word to the wise,

captain wise word

↓

often the first customer is the hardest one to land.

customer hardest land often

↓

Wait. Customer? Are we pitching?

customer pitching

↓

- Yeah, looks like it. - Hot damn, Richie!

richie

↓

Let's hit the road. We're gonna piss in everyone's car.

everyones piss road

↓

Am I using that right?

using

↓

Medical groups, sales groups, insurance companies,

companies groups insurance medical sales

↓

Jared, yeah, good work here, really.

jared

↓

Well, Gavin was right. His name certainly opened a lot of doors.

certainly doors name opened

↓

Ever since your announcement, everyone has heard of us.

announcement heard

↓

Jared, you didn't tell all these people

jared

↓

that Gavin was still working with the company, did you?

company working

↓

Well, no, but I... I never explicitly said that he wasn't.

↓

- Was that wrong? - No, Jared, that's fine.

jared

↓

The tech will speak for itself.

speak tech

↓

It certainly will.

certainly

↓

Now, Richard, when we get into that room,

richard room

↓

let me do all the talking.

↓

And also the tech will talk.

tech

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Wait. So Gavin's not coming?

coming

↓

No, but we are.

↓

We've already come.

↓

Huh.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Gavin left the company?

company left

↓

Yes, um, but what's important... at least we think...

least

↓

is not whether Gavin is gone,

gone whether

↓

but what brought him to us in the first place,

brought place

↓

and that's the tech.

tech

↓

Uh-huh.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Gentlemen, sorry to keep you waiting.

gentlemen waiting

↓

I'm George Mandechian, CEO.

george

↓

I'm very excited to...

excited

↓

He did? When?

↓

Okay.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

God damn it.

↓

I mean, if people would just look at what we're offering,

offering

↓

I think they'd be blown away.

blown theyd

↓

Perhaps we need a new angle.

angle perhaps

↓

- I'll fake a seizure. - What?

fake seizure

↓

Pied Piper? Hi. I'm Liz Tinsdale,

piper

↓

head of compliance here at Fiduciated General.

general head

↓

- Erlich Bachman. - And I'm, uh, Richard Hendricks.

richard

↓

- Are we all here? - Yes, yeah, we are.

↓

Uh, sorry, full disclosure:

full

↓

uh, Gavin Belson has left the company.

company left

↓

Oh. Oh, I see. Well...

↓

His loss. He won't be...

loss

↓

sitting across from someone as charming as yourself this afternoon, will he?

afternoon charming sitting

↓

Okay. Well, I mean, you did come all the way here,

↓

so why don't you follow me? I'd follow you to the end of the Earth. Shall we?

earth follow

↓

- What are you doing, hmm? - What?

↓

So, as you can see, your data will be even more secure,

data secure

↓

because it will be stored on multiple devices.

devices multiple

↓

And we can offer you a very competitive rate.

competitive offer rate

↓

You can expect to see storage savings annually of... 25 percent.

expect percent savings storage

↓

Wow. That's very impressive, all of it,

impressive

↓

but you guys have to understand that companies like ours

companies

↓

are particularly risk averse.

particularly risk

↓

Is it a slight Idaho accent, Liz?

accent idaho slight

↓

Oh. It's Montana, actually.

montana

↓

- Even better. The big blue sky state. - Yeah.

blue state

↓

Well, I knew you had to have come from above.

↓

Well, uh, speaking of heaven,

heaven speaking

↓

that's probably where you'll think you are

↓

when you start saving 25 percent on your data storage.

data percent saving start storage

↓

Get an upgrade from there.

upgrade

↓

Liz, you have beautiful skin.

skin

↓

- Um, thank... thank you. - You, uh... yeah.

↓

Both of you.

↓

Listen, uh, I think I know what he's gonna say,

↓

but let me see if I can pull my CTO in here.

pull

↓

Can you... reel it in a little?

reel

↓

We're trying to make a business deal, not get you laid.

business deal laid

↓

I'm not trying to get laid, Richard.

laid richard

↓

Clearly, she has a lot of pent-up sexual energy,

energy sexual

↓

likely from working in this worm farm,

farm likely working worm

↓

so that's the angle I'm taking

angle

↓

since I'm not allowed to have a seizure.

allowed seizure

↓

Besides, she's going to bat for us.

besides

↓

You should be thanking me. The CTO is on the way in.

thanking

↓

Yes, because of the technology

technology

↓

and because of our business proposal.

business proposal

↓

Look, can you just please, for once,

↓

keep your dick out of the equation?

dick

↓

I really wish I could, but my dick is the abacus

dick wish

↓

- upon which this equation will be... - Guys.

↓

This is our CTO.

↓

Oh great.

↓

Oh, oh.

↓

Hello.

↓

I'm Dan Melcher. Nice to meet you.

meet

↓

Yeah. Hello.

↓

Hi, Dan.

↓

- Do... Do you guys know each other? - No.

↓

I just said my name was Dan, that's how he knows.

knows name

↓

I don't need to waste any more of your time with this.

waste

↓

Why don't I-I... I'll take this one from here.

↓

- Okay? - Oh. Yeah.

↓

What the fuck are you doing here?

fuck

↓

Very rude, Daniel.

daniel rude

↓

Although, what can we expect after TechCrunch Disrupt

expect

↓

when you sucker punched me in the God damn face?

face punched sucker

↓

You fucked my wife.

fucked wife

↓

I fucked your wives. Plural. Both of them.

fucked wives

↓

Erlich, the customer is always right,

customer

↓

so let's just leave it at "wife," singular, and be done with it.

wife

↓

Okay.

↓

I need you to listen to me very carefully.

carefully

↓

It took me a very long, long time

↓

to get back on my feet after I got fired from Oracle,

feet fired oracle

↓

and... tech firms wouldn't touch me,

tech touch

↓

but I've managed to find a home here, a life.

home life managed

↓

Okay, it's insurance. It's not ideal,

ideal insurance

↓

but, you know, it... it's something.

↓

And I don't care whatever it is that you're selling here.

care selling

↓

I'm not buying it.

buying

↓

Well, it's a pretty groundbreaking technology.

technology

↓

Oh, shut the fuck up.

fuck

↓

- Okay, yeah, d... uh... - Look at me.

↓

Never gonna happen. Okay?

happen

↓

- Never going to... - Dan?

↓

Did you give the dogs their medicine this morning?

dogs medicine morning

↓

Uh, no, was I supposed to?

supposed

↓

Yeah, because, remember, I had to go back

remember

↓

to the restaurant to get your card that you forgot.

card forgot restaurant

↓

Uh, yep. Sorry.

↓

Um, I s... I mean, I guess I could run home.

home

↓

- You two married? - Oh, not yet. We're engaged.

engaged married

↓

- Well, it was nice to meet you both. - Bye now, Liz.

meet

↓

- All right, bye, honey. - Bye.

honey

↓

Oh, Dan.

↓

Dan, Dan, Dan.

↓

Dan Melcher? The guy who beat the piss out of you?

beat piss

↓

The very same.

↓

I looked him dead in the eyes, and I said,

dead eyes looked

↓

"Daniel, I've fucked every wife you've ever had.

daniel fucked wife

↓

Care to go three for three?"

care three

↓

Needless to say, he did not.

needless

↓

You don't come off in that story as well as you think you do.

story

↓

So, to avoid being thrice made a cuckold,

avoid

↓

he agreed to a deal?

agreed deal

↓

Well, uh, not yet. Melcher actually signed off on it,

signed

↓

but his fiancée wanted to certify

wanted

↓

that what we're trying to build complies

build

↓

with their data-handling and security protocols.

data handling security

↓

We're reviewing it all tomorrow, actually.

reviewing tomorrow

↓

Ah, I can't wait.

↓

Tomorrow the real fun begins.

begins fun real tomorrow

↓

- Uh, no. No. You're not coming. - Why not?

coming

↓

Why not? Uh... jeez.

jeez

↓

Well, you fucked Dan's last wife

dans fucked wife

↓

the night before he was our judge on the TechCrunch panel,

judge night panel

↓

with absolutely no regard for what that meant to the company.

absolutely company meant regard

↓

What it meant to the company was that we went to the finals, and we won.

company finals meant

↓

Because of the tech.

tech

↓

We won because of the tech, remember?

remember tech

↓

We're getting this deal because of the tech.

deal tech

↓

I'm not letting you fuck this up, okay?

fuck letting

↓

I know you're looking for something to do,

looking

↓

but this is not it.

↓

What do you mean, I'm looking for something to do?

looking

↓

You're lucky that you've garnished this much of my time.

lucky

↓

I have plenty to do! Tons of lots of things!

lots plenty tons

↓

I have a thriving incubator.

thriving

↓

It is thriving.

thriving

↓

Isn't it?

↓

Fuck you, guys.

fuck

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Okay, so, how soon can we test our app on a phone?

phone test

↓

Look, uh, about all this Erlich stuff...

stuff

↓

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I-I... I don't wanna talk about him...

↓

or think about him... ever again.

↓

Okay, look, I've... I've signed off.

signed

↓

But, Richard, I need you

richard

↓

to look me in the eye and tell me that this is gonna work,

↓

'cause if it doesn't, I'm completely fucked.

completely fucked

↓

It's... It's gonna work. I promise.

promise

↓

- All right, well, look, I'm gonna step out. - Okay.

step

↓

- You're in good hands. - Okay. Okay.

hands

↓

- Should we start with adjuster records? - Sure.

records start

↓

You guys said you were proficient in video files, right?

files video

↓

We were a... a video chat company for a while.

chat company video

↓

Oh, that's exciting. Uh, yeah, I guess.

exciting

↓

It... It wasn't really for me.

↓

Um, in fact, actually, just as we were taking off, I walked away.

fact walked

↓

- Commitment issues? - Uh, I don't know.

commitment issues

↓

It's just I... I never really...

↓

thought that video chat was the best use of our compression.

best chat video

↓

Kind of felt like I was settling, you know?

settling

↓

- Ooh! - Settling.

settling

↓

- Yeah, our company can grow in ways... - Oh, fuck.

company fuck grow ways

↓

that we haven't even thought of yet.

↓

I mean, I was going to spend the rest of my life

life rest spend

↓

just wondering if there was something better.

wondering

↓

That's not really a way to live.

live

↓

And, what, I'm gonna say to all my friends, like,

friends

↓

"Oh, this is how I'm spending my time," you know?

spending

↓

Every morning I... I get up, and it's vidchat.

morning

↓

Then I go to bed, and it's vidchat.

↓

Then I get up again, it's vidchat.

↓

I wanna kill myself, you know?

kill

↓

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

↓

Yeah.

↓

So, what do you think, Erlich?

↓

You're the first person to see the place.

person place

↓

I love the smell of fresh Spackle and hope.

fresh hope love smell

↓

Yep. Two more weeks and Bream-Hall's in business.

business halls weeks

↓

Even better that donkey Ed Chen and Raviga were so blindsided,

donkey

↓

they're running around with their hair on fire.

fire hair running

↓

Yeah, it's a beautiful world, Erlich.

world

↓

And after years of busting my ass, I'm finally doing it.

busting finally years

↓

Oh! And check it out, we even have swag...

check

↓

with my name on it.

name

↓

Look, "Monica Hall." Laurie!

hall laurie

↓

Hello. Well, good. Now that you're both here,

↓

we can dispense with the mindless chitchat.

mindless

↓

I'd like to be the first to offer you, both,

offer

↓

the opportunity to take me off the market.

market opportunity

↓

I don't understand.

↓

I'm saying that I very much respect

respect

↓

what you're doing here, almost revere it,

↓

and I wanted to offer my services as an associate.

associate offer services wanted

↓

And I will not phone it in.

phone

↓

I'll be the first one here at 10:30 a.m.

↓

and the last one to leave a smidge after 4:00.

↓

I'll, of course, need an office,

course office

↓

an attractive personal assistant,

assistant attractive personal

↓

paternity leave, if that goes well,

↓

and an umbrella insurance policy if that does not go well.

insurance insurance-policy policy umbrella

↓

What do you say?

↓

I'd like a job, dears.

↓

The singular function of this firm

firm function

↓

is to insure that our investors' money is in wise hands.

hands investors money wise

↓

If... you are known for anything,

known

↓

it is quite the opposite.

opposite

↓

Therefore, no.

therefore

↓

I'm sorry, Erlich.

↓

Look, I... I know you're looking for something to do, but...

looking

↓

Who... Who is pushing this false narrative

false narrative pushing

↓

that I am looking for something to do?

looking

↓

- "But"... what? - But Laurie is my partner,

laurie partner

↓

and if she doesn't think you add any real value,

real value

↓

then there's no future for you here.

future

↓

I gave you weed, a lot of it.

weed

↓

You want a fleece?

↓

God, there's something beautiful

↓

about testing your first alpha.

alpha testing

↓

It's like watching a child take its first steps.

child steps watching

↓

Well, let's see if our space-saver app actually saves us any space.

saves space

↓

All right. Done.

↓

Yeah?

↓

Can I mark this deliverable as complete?

complete mark

↓

Is our child a dancer?

child dancer

↓

Wait. I was only using 32.2 gigs of data before the test,

data test using

↓

and now it says I'm using 47.8.

using

↓

Fuck. Mine expanded also. What the fuck?

fuck

↓

Why do I have a photo folder entitled "Cool Hairstyles"?

cool entitled folder photo

↓

Why do I have an e-mail for the "Anton LaVey Fun Run"?

fun mail

↓

Fuck. We had a merge error.

error fuck merge

↓

All of our information is on both phones.

information phones

↓

I wonder what kind of weird shit you get into.

weird wonder

↓

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

whoa

↓

I'm just looking at your very embarrassing personal information.

embarrassing information looking personal

↓

Fuck you. If you look at my shit, I'm gonna look at your shit.

fuck

↓

All right, whoa, whoa. Easy now.

easy whoa

↓

I'll go balls deep on your inbox.

balls deep

↓

If you've taken one fucking selfie, I will find it.

fucking selfie taken

↓

Okay, guys, we've got to calm down.

calm

↓

Okay? Look at this. This is not where we wanna be.

↓

Let's... Let's take a deep breath,

breath deep deep-breath

↓

and let's just be cool and put our phones down.

cool phones

↓

Go ahead.

ahead go-ahead

↓

I'll put it down once he stops touching it.

stops touching

↓

Okay. Great.

↓

Good. That wasn't so hard, was it?

hard

↓

- If he can do it... - No. No, no, no, no, no.

↓

- It's okay. - Gotcha.

gotcha

↓

No, you didn't. Fuck you.

fuck

↓

Are those almond poppy seed muffins or lemon poppy seed muffins?

almond lemon muffins poppy poppy-seed seed

↓

No matter, I'll take both, and the, uh, whole first floor.

floor matter whole

↓

It's been a...

↓

pretty bad...

↓

Uh, you know what?

↓

Do you have any day-olds?

olds

↓

Hey, are you sitting here?

sitting

↓

What the fuck does it look like?

fuck

↓

Sorry. He didn't tell us who he was inviting to the meeting.

inviting meeting

↓

- He just said it was a bunch of us. - How many are we?

bunch

↓

I think a few other firms are coming.

coming

↓

Sequoia and Greylock, maybe a few more for this round.

round

↓

Jeff from Index Ventures.

jeff

↓

You brought swag to a pitch meeting?

brought meeting pitch

↓

Yikes, that's so three years ago.

three three-years years yikes

↓

Have you seen Keenan yet?

seen

↓

I don't know who that is.

↓

Seriously, though, I don't know who you're talking about.

↓

Bream-Hall?

hall

↓

Hey, man. I don't know who you think you are,

↓

but you're not supposed to be at this table.

supposed table

↓

I don't know who you think you are,

↓

but men aren't supposed to grow tits,

grow supposed tits

↓

and yet there they are, atop your little paunch.

atop

↓

Who the fuck are you?

fuck

↓

I'm fucking Erlich Bachman.

fucking

↓

Who the fuck are you?

fuck

↓

I'm Keenan Feldspar.

feldspar

↓

And I like the balls on you.

balls

↓

Get outta there! I wanna sit next to this guy!

outta

↓

Yeah.

↓

Oh, man! Nice swag!

↓

I tell you, it is, um, it is warm in here.

warm

↓

Oh. Yeah, they, um, shut the AC off after midnight.

midnight

↓

Oh.

↓

The things this company goes through to save a dime.

company dime save

↓

Well, classic Melcher.

classic

↓

Okay, should we cover this section on intrusion detection and prevention?

cover section

↓

- Liz? - Huh?

↓

Okay, I don't want to pry,

↓

but did I do something wrong?

↓

It's just for the past few hours, you've been a little, um...

hours past

↓

- checked out. - Uh, I'm just...

checked

↓

- thinking. - So, you're getting cold feet?

cold feet thinking

↓

What?

↓

It's okay. I know what you're dealing with.

dealing

↓

- I don't think you do. - I do. Trust me, I do.

trust

↓

Okay, I bet someone in your position

position

↓

has been told many times to look before you leap.

leap times

↓

But, Liz...

↓

what about right now you just... leap before you look?

leap

↓

Oh.

↓

And, look, I'm gonna go out on a limb here,

limb

↓

but I'm gonna go ahead and say

ahead go-ahead

↓

that I'll bet there's a piece of you deep down inside

deep piece

↓

that... knows this is a good idea.

idea knows

↓

It's new, it's exciting.

exciting

↓

I mean, by God, Liz, this is the most durable,

↓

sophisticated decentralized storage infrastructure

sophisticated storage

↓

the world has... Mm!

world

↓

- Whoa. - Uh...

whoa

↓

And then it just happened.

happened

↓

- On the floor? - We were like two wild animals.

animals floor wild

↓

I'm sure it was magnificent.

magnificent

↓

I get pissed at Erlich for not keeping it in his pants,

keeping pants pissed

↓

and then I go ahead and do this?

ahead go-ahead

↓

Shit. I mean, Dan's gonna find out.

dans

↓

I mean, he punched Erlich in the face for when he did it to him,

face punched

↓

and now what do you think he's gonna do to me, huh?

↓

He's gonna fucking kill me, then the deal's gonna fall through.

deals fall fucking fucking-kill kill

↓

I can't believe I jeopardized the entire company with my dick.

believe company dick entire

↓

Hey, hey. We can get through this.

↓

- Yeah. - All right. First, I need some details.

details

↓

- Are you in love? - What?

love

↓

No, no, I barely know her.

barely

↓

Okay. Okay, that's good.

↓

Then, we just need to extricate you from this situation.

situation

↓

- Okay. - Now, it's not gonna be easy,

easy

↓

because she's very probably in love with you.

love

↓

Jared, I... I don't think that that's...

jared

↓

Richard, this is no time for false humility.

false richard

↓

You're a catch. Just deal with it.

catch deal

↓

Now, you need to break this thing off clean and clear,

break clean clear

↓

so you just walk into that office

office walk

↓

and... and you look her in the eyes, and you say...

eyes

↓

- Mm-hmm? - "Listen, baby...

baby

↓

"you're getting hitched, and... and I...

↓

was born to roam."

born roam

↓

"Born to roam"?

born roam

↓

Hey, Jared, did I miss any calls?

calls jared miss

↓

Not a good time, my man.

↓

Jared.

jared

↓

Uh... sorry.

↓

Nope. No calls.

calls nope

↓

What a shocker.

shocker

↓

I need to call Tara.

↓

Okay, but I...

↓

I need to hold your phone.

phone

↓

It might be sexual in nature.

might nature sexual

↓

Well, I think I can handle that.

handle

↓

All right.

↓

No, um, something else in here, please?

↓

- Monica, this salient... - Mmm?

↓

Ladies.

ladies

↓

What are you doing here?

↓

I believe the answer to that question...

answer believe question

↓

is currently sitting in your unfinished waiting area.

area currently sitting waiting

↓

- Holy shit. Is that... - Keenan Feldspar? Yes.

feldspar holy

↓

Why? Have you heard of him?

heard

↓

Of course. Every competent VC has.

competent course

↓

His VR headset is reputed to be the new standard.

headset standard

↓

Oh, it is. I tested the prototype last night at his house.

house night prototype tested

↓

We got quite drunk.

drunk

↓

What exactly is he doing in our waiting area?

area waiting

↓

Well, Laurie, he's waiting...

laurie waiting

↓

upon my instruction.

↓

Imagine...

imagine

↓

landing the biggest whale in the Valley...

biggest landing valley whale

↓

two weeks

weeks

↓

before you launch your firm.

firm launch

↓

Or should I say before we launch your firm?

firm launch

↓

♪ ♪

↓

All right. The new build is done.

build

↓

Oh, I am so glad this is over.

glad

↓

I felt like Gibraltar in World War II,

world

↓

where it was both crucial and inert.

crucial

↓

All right. One press of the button, and we are back to normal.

button normal press

↓

What's the problem?

problem

↓

I don't know.

↓

What don't you know?

↓

Well, you seem a bit eager to resolve the situation.

eager resolve situation

↓

You're almost anxious.

anxious

↓

- It's a new color on you. - A new color on you would be...

color

↓

Bah, bah, bah. Even as you try and make a boring, racist comment,

boring comment racist

↓

you can't keep your eyes off my phone.

eyes phone

↓

See? Now, I know all my embarrassing shit is on your phone

embarrassing phone

↓

and if you look at it, you will mock me endlessly and without mercy.

mercy mock

↓

But what's also true is that you already mock me endlessly and without mercy,

mercy mock

↓

so I have nothing to lose

lose

↓

and, potentially, a huge amount to gain.

amount gain huge potentially

↓

Guys, this is madness.

madness

↓

I have nothing to hide.

hide

↓

I hear you, and yet...

↓

I'd like to look at my phone.

phone

↓

Sure.

↓

Suit yourself.

suit

↓

- Swipe. - Mm-hmm.

↓

- Unlock. - Mmm.

unlock

↓

You sure you don't care?

care

↓

Does it look like I care?

care

↓

Okay.

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Ah! Ugh. Fuck!

fuck

↓

What the fuck?

fuck

↓

You dick!

dick

↓

♪ ♪

↓

- Give me the phone. - Dinesh.

phone

↓

- Give it to me. - You are not thinking clearly.

thinking

↓

Ow!

↓

Sorry.

↓

Looks like we both lose.

lose

↓

I don't think so. How do you figure?

figure

↓

'Cause now I know you had some embarrassing shit to hide.

embarrassing hide

↓

I don't even need to know what it is.

↓

My phone may be in the toilet, but...

phone toilet

↓

- but I win. - No, you don't.

↓

Because you'll never know what was on there...

↓

and that will slowly drive you down a dark path

dark drive path slowly

↓

and torment you, so that every fiber...

fiber torment

↓

Nuh-uh! I win! I win!

↓

I win. I win. I win!

↓

I win!

↓

Shut up, Jared.

jared

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Last night...

night

↓

- Yeah. - Last night was...

night

↓

- Bad. - bad. Bad.

↓

- Yeah, oh my God. Yeah. - It was bad, right?

↓

It was such a bad thing to have done.

↓

The worst sex I think I've ever had...

worst

↓

by far.

↓

Oh, s... it... so it was bad for you... too.

↓

Yeah, I mean, it was just all elbows.

elbows

↓

I mean, how many times did our teeth clink?

clink teeth times

↓

- Uh, too many. Mm-mm. Too many. - You know?

↓

- Too many. - And you move your head a lot.

head

↓

- Well... passion... - None.

passion

↓

- Right? I know. - Definitely.

↓

Like right out of the gate.

gate

↓

When I took my top off,

↓

and you actually said the word "gulp"?

gulp word

↓

- I said it? - Yes. Yeah.

↓

- Out loud? Okay. - Mm-hmm.

loud

↓

Well, mistake on my part.

mistake part

↓

As bad as it was, you know,

↓

- and it was bad, um... - Okay.

↓

like... really... awful.

awful

↓

- I get it. - I just...

↓

If there's an upside to any of this,

upside

↓

it would be that I realize now

realize

↓

what I have in Dan.

↓

- Silver lining, so that's nice. - Listen,

lining silver silver-lining

↓

I can't do this... anymore.

anymore

↓

- This... What we... - Yeah.

↓

So, I just wanna... If we could just close the deal,

close deal

↓

be done with it.

↓

And if it's okay with Dan, it's fine with me.

↓

- So... - Good.

↓

- Okay. - Okay.

↓

So, I will come back and get my stuff when you're gone.

gone stuff

↓

- No, I'm just gonna... the door. - To...

door

↓

I was born to roam, anyways.

anyways born roam

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Richard.

richard

↓

♪ ♪

↓

Liz just told me.

↓

- She did? - Yup.

↓

And... if it's fine with her, then I guess the deal is fine with me,

deal

↓

so... it's approved.

approved

↓

- Good. - I'll ride down with you.

ride

↓

Oh, you don't have to. Okay.

↓

Listen.

↓

It goes without saying, but...

↓

Liz can never find out about that whole thing between us.

whole

↓

Okay. Yep.

↓

♪ Let's get wild tonight ♪

tonight wild

↓

♪ Turn the fuck up, we going out tonight ♪

fuck tonight

↓

♪ I been waiting all my life ♪

life waiting

↓

♪ Every time I go out, I think I found my wife ♪

found wife

↓

♪ I can't help it, turn down the lights ♪

lights

↓

♪ I'm gonna take some down tonight ♪

tonight

↓

♪ This shit is so hot, that's what it's sounding like ♪

sounding

↓

♪ Make you wanna fuck around tonight, bitch! ♪

bitch fuck tonight

↓

♪ I know that you came to party, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

baby party

↓

♪ Later, we're gonna leave this party with somebody else's lady ♪

elses lady party somebody somebody-elses

↓

♪ I know that you came to party, baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

baby party

↓

♪ Later, we're gonna leave this party ♪

party

↓

♪ With somebody else's lady ♪

elses lady somebody somebody-elses

↓

♪ I know that you came to party ♪

party

↓

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

baby

↓

♪ Later, we're gonna leave this party ♪

party

↓

♪ With somebody else's lady ♪

elses lady somebody somebody-elses

↓

♪ I know that you came to party ♪

party

↓

♪ Baby, baby, baby, baby ♪

baby

↓

♪ Later, we're gonna leave this party ♪

party

↓

♪ With somebody else's lady ♪

elses lady somebody somebody-elses

↓

♪ Lady ♪

lady