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Home » Silicon Valley » S03E06 — Bachmanity Insanity

Silicon Valley

Season 3, Episode 6 — Bachmanity Insanity

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Bachmanity Insanity

Air date: May 29, 2016

Director: Eric Appel

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

Richard's neuroses could ruin his new relationship. Big Head and Erlich's launch party goes awry. Dinesh is smitten with a foreign coworker.

Source: TMDB

↓

Okay, one extra-large virgin margarita.

extra margarita virgin

↓

- Thank you, Richard. - What took you so long?

richard

↓

Uh, I actually... Uh, I met a girl.

girl

↓

It's called the bartender, she works here.

bartender called works

↓

No, no. It's a real girl.

girl real

↓

And I actually got her real phone number.

number phone phone-number real

↓

Check you out, Mr. Casanova.

check

↓

Where is this individual?

individual

↓

Um, she's right over there.

↓

The tall dude?

tall

↓

No, behind him.

behind

↓

Oh, she must be hiding behind that attractive girl in the red sweater.

attractive behind girl hiding must sweater

↓

No, it is the attractive girl in the red sweater.

attractive girl sweater

↓

- Oh... - Please stop looking at her.

looking

↓

She's magnificent.

magnificent

↓

You sure it's not the tall guy?

tall

↓

Why are we surprised that young Richard is garnering the attention of ladies?

attention ladies richard surprised young

↓

After all, he's king again.

king

↓

Women like that.

women

↓

Okay, so she's a founder hounder.

founder

↓

Come on, no, it's not like that.

↓

But you did tell her that you're the CEO of your own company?

company

↓

it came up.

↓

But I mean, honestly, how else was I going to explain that me and my friends were at a bar?

explain friends

↓

That is a good point.

point

↓

Anytime you're near a woman, it is important to explain why.

anytime explain near woman

↓

Otherwise, they get nervous.

nervous otherwise

↓

Gentlemen, to Pied Piper's past, and now present, CEO.

gentlemen past present

↓

Oh, what about future?

future

↓

Jared, we'll worry about that later.

jared worry

↓

Tonight is about Richard.

richard tonight

↓

To Richard.

richard

↓

I think you'll find I'm a pretty tolerant boss,

boss tolerant

↓

but, Gleb, your last commit, you did use spaces over tabs.

commit spaces tabs

↓

Um, I don't know why you'd commit to that.

commit

↓

Uh, so, just tell me why on Earth you would do something like that.

earth

↓

Is not so big a deal. They're very much the same. Yes?

deal

↓

Yes, yes, he's right. They're very much the same.

↓

No, no, sorry, they're not the same.

↓

At least not in my book. Um, um...

book least

↓

One is right, and the other is wrong.

↓

Why didn't anyone tell Gleb to use tabs?

tabs

↓

Yeah, we did. And it's in the company style guide.

company guide style

↓

I just don't think Gleb realized how seriously Richard takes this stuff.

realized richard stuff takes

↓

Yeah, I've honestly never understood it myself.

understood

↓

I mean, once the code goes through the compiler,

code

↓

there's effectively no difference.

difference

↓

I know, but coders go, like, batshit over it.

batshit

↓

At Hooli, I once saw two engineers get into a fight so vicious,

engineers fight vicious

↓

they almost made physical contact.

contact physical

↓

What?

↓

Okay, guys, back to work.

↓

Uh, Gleb, Sanjay, everyone, do you understand tabs?

tabs

↓

Yes, yes. You have made this very clear. As clear as crystal.

clear crystal

↓

Okay.

↓

Good, that's my little thing, and I'll hand you back to Dinesh now.

hand

↓

He's the man with the plan, and the pretty cool tan.

cool plan

↓

-it's not a tan, it's... - Yeah, I know, I know.

↓

Uh, sorry.

↓

This is how I was born.

born

↓

Hey, Elisabet. Hi.

↓

Um, before you go, I just wanted to say that

wanted

↓

I thought your last commit was very impressive.

commit impressive

↓

Oh, thank you.

↓

Almost as nice as the fingers that typed it.

fingers typed

↓

- Just call it like I see it. - Thank you.

↓

Speaking of seeing, I will see you tomorrow.

seeing speaking tomorrow

↓

Yes, you Will.

↓

Bye-bye, Dinesh.

↓

Bye, Elisabet.

↓

Yuck.

yuck

↓

What?

↓

You don't actually think she was flirting, do you?

flirting

↓

She works here. She's paid to interact with you.

paid works

↓

Just like that bartender that Richard thought he was flirting with.

bartender flirting richard

↓

Uh, actually, she's not a bartender.

bartender

↓

And for your information, we've been trading texts.

information texts trading

↓

And we're going for drinks later, so...

drinks

↓

Great.

↓

If you go to the bar she works at, you can probably drink for free.

drink free works

↓

Again, uh, not a bartender.

bartender

↓

Okay? She works at Facebook.

facebook works

↓

So she makes a lot more money than I do or you do.

makes money

↓

And she's definitely not a founder hounder.

founder

↓

So, sorry.

↓

Yeah, none of that adds up.

adds

↓

Hey, guys, check out Code/Rag.

check code

↓

What, did the Gavin piece post?

piece post

↓

Indeed it did.

indeed

↓

Oh.

↓

"Gavin Belson's Hooli-Scrub Scandal." Awesome.

awesome scandal scrub

↓

Man, Gavin cannot be happy about this.

cannot happy

↓

Stay close.

close

↓

Back up, back up.

↓

You're on private property. Back to the sidewalk.

private property sidewalk

↓

You're gonna get arrested.

arrested

↓

Hey, Gavin!

↓

Hello, I'm...

↓

You know, a hundred years ago,

hundred years

↓

men like me could've had people like that killed.

couldve killed

↓

Just like that.

↓

You think captains of industry like Andrew Carnegie or Cornelius Vanderbilt

andrew captains industry

↓

would've batted an eyelid? Please.

wouldve

↓

Times sure have changed.

changed times

↓

Or have they?

↓

Of course they have.

course

↓

And for the better.

↓

Unless...

↓

All right, forget it.

forget

↓

What are we doing about this article?

article

↓

Can we sue this Cantwell woman for libel?

woman

↓

Gavin, libel laws don't really apply when what's written is true.

apply laws written

↓

It's my understanding you did in fact instruct Nucleus engineers

engineers fact understanding

↓

-to obscure negative Hooli search... - I know what I did.

negative obscure search

↓

Forget libel. What about this unnamed Hooli insider she keeps quoting?

forget insider keeps quoting

↓

Everything this person is saying is obviously covered by a nondisclosure agreement.

agreement covered obviously person

↓

Let's sue that person.

person

↓

We don't know who that person is.

person

↓

And reporters generally don't give up their sources.

generally reporters sources

↓

Well, then I'll just have to light a fire under this reporter's ass, won't I?

fire light reporters

↓

You know, there was a time, not so long ago, when it could've been a literal fire.

couldve fire literal

↓

But, as discussed, those days are gone.

days discussed gone

↓

Unless...

↓

All right, forget it.

forget

↓

You people are useless. Thank you. You're excused.

excused useless

↓

It's Gavin Belson for C.J. Cantwell, please. She'll know what it's regarding.

regarding shell

↓

Now, the stage should be here.

stage

↓

With Yeezy or someone comparable.

↓

Now, I have yet to land on a theme.

land theme

↓

Most people who rent Alcatraz for parties tend to go with the prison theme.

parties prison rent tend theme

↓

How much would it cost to make this look as if it were never a prison at all?

cost prison

↓

Spare no expense.

expense spare

↓

And if you think it would be cool,

cool

↓

I would love to have some sort of chocolate moat here,

chocolate love

↓

with little boats floating down it filled with graham crackers and marshmallows.

boats crackers filled floating graham

↓

It's been a childhood dream of mine.

childhood dream

↓

And get the best chocolatier. We want to impress.

best impress

↓

I'm inviting every asshole from the Valley to attend.

asshole attend inviting valley

↓

- You're inviting assholes? - Absolutely.

absolutely assholes inviting

↓

Assholes, shit dongles.

assholes

↓

Any foe or enemy I've made over my storied career will be here.

career enemy

↓

That way, when I take the stage and unleash the power of Bachmanity,

power stage unleash

↓

they'll all be in the front row.

front

↓

Erlich, uh, can we talk for a second?

second

↓

What is it, Big Head?

head

↓

I thought I told you to go watch something on your iPad.

watch

↓

I think we may have a problem.

problem

↓

That Code/Rag reporter I talked to

code reporter talked

↓

says that Gavin Belson is threatening to sue her

threatening

↓

if she doesn't tell him who she spoke to.

spoke

↓

- So? - So, she spoke to me.

spoke

↓

No publicity is bad publicity. This might be great timing.

might publicity timing

↓

Exactly the reason that we are partners.

partners reason

↓

Okay, yeah, except if Gavin finds out it was me that talked to the reporter,

except finds reporter talked

↓

then he'll know I violated my NDA.

violated

↓

And then he could come after my entire settlement if that happens.

entire happens settlement

↓

All two million.

million

↓

I mean, 20 million.

million

↓

Big Head, I'm not going to yell.

head yell

↓

And I'm not going to hit you.

↓

I'm just gonna ask you nicely,

nicely

↓

why in the holy fuck didn't you tell me you signed an NDA,

fuck holy holy-fuck signed

↓

you sweet, helpless little piece of shit?

helpless piece sweet

↓

Well, that's the thing about the NDA,

↓

is that the NDA is actually covered under the NDA.

covered

↓

So if I told you about the NDA, it would've been a violation of the NDA.

violation wouldve

↓

And what about speaking with the reporter? What would that be?

reporter speaking

↓

Yeah. Shit.

↓

So, what do you think I should do?

↓

- I could call her back and... - No.

↓

Let me handle it. You go wait in the helicopter.

handle helicopter

↓

- Okay. - Go.

↓

Sasha, I'm going to need to go back to the mainland.

sasha

↓

Oh, is there a problem?

problem

↓

Oh, no, no, no. Full steam ahead.

ahead full steam

↓

Mainland.

↓

This is an island.

island

↓

That's the theme.

theme

↓

Hawaiian.

hawaiian

↓

We'll have a luau.

luau

↓

Yeah, somebody called me that in high school,

called school somebody

↓

and the nickname just stuck.

nickname stuck

↓

Pakistani Denzel?

↓

I mean, I don't see it. But everybody else does. So...

everybody

↓

Maybe they should call him American Dinesh?

american

↓

Stop.

↓

Only if you stop first.

↓

- No, you stop first. - You stop first.

↓

- You go first. - No, I think you should.

↓

Okay, I'll stop. Bye.

↓

What's your end game here?

game

↓

You think after your tired rap,

tired

↓

she's going to hop on a plane, fly halfway across the world,

halfway plane world

↓

and fuck you?

fuck

↓

My motivations are pure.

pure

↓

Her and I have, like, a real connection.

connection real

↓

She's so, like, nice and she's so down-to-Earth,

earth

↓

that it's like she has no idea how attractive she is.

attractive idea

↓

You don't know how attractive she is.

attractive

↓

Packet loss over Estonian broadband is terrible.

loss packet

↓

She could be hideous.

hideous

↓

Well, I can't imagine that would matter to Dinesh one iota.

imagine matter

↓

Right.

↓

'Cause she's nice and very talented and has a great laugh.

laugh talented

↓

And with any luck, she's not a dogface.

luck

↓

How was your date with Winnie?

date

↓

Uh, well, pretty good, considering she's still in the other room.

considering room

↓

Baller, you got lucky on the first date.

date lucky

↓

Yeah, did a little bit, not everything.

↓

I mean, I slept in my jeans.

jeans slept

↓

Well, take your time. Hunger is the best sauce.

best hunger sauce

↓

You're right. Uh...

↓

We did a little bit of under the shirts and light finger banging.

banging finger light shirts

↓

Oh, hey.

↓

- Hey, I'm Winnie. - Oh.

↓

Hi, I'm Dinesh.

↓

Hi, I'm Jared.

jared

↓

- It is an honor to meet you. - Okay.

honor meet

↓

God, what a pleasure.

pleasure

↓

Thanks.

thanks

↓

I'm Gilfoyle.

↓

Are you a bartender?

bartender

↓

I work at Facebook.

facebook

↓

As a bartender?

bartender

↓

I had a stuffed animal named Winnie.

animal named stuffed

↓

Oh, wow.

↓

I mean, it wasn't technically an animal,

animal technically

↓

I took a Ziploc bag and I stuffed it with old newspaper,

newspaper stuffed

↓

and then I drew a smile on it.

drew smile

↓

Okay, well, shall we have some coffee, milady?

coffee

↓

- Sure. Let's do it. - Okay. All right.

↓

We're already on to Elizabethan nicknames.

nicknames

↓

This is serious.

serious

↓

They'll be Ren Faire-ing soon.

↓

It's healthy.

healthy

↓

And now that Richard's dating, in solidarity, I think I might get back out there myself.

dating might solidarity

↓

You make it sound like you've chosen not to date.

chosen date sound

↓

Yeah, absolutely. I wanted to focus on Pied Piper.

absolutely focus piper wanted

↓

But, yeah, maybe now I'll fan out my plumage, so to speak,

speak

↓

and see what pretty birdies might share my nest.

might nest share

↓

Hey, Jared, if you fuck any pretty birdies in my server room,

fuck jared room server

↓

put a tie on the doorknob, won't you?

↓

As a signal. Yeah, good thinking.

signal thinking

↓

Okay, so I'll just get the car keys, and then give you a lift home.

home keys lift

↓

Okay, milady?

↓

- Milord. - Oh, milady.

↓

Okay.

↓

So, Richard tells me you guys are building deep nets into your platform?

building deep platform richard tells

↓

Oh, really?

↓

What other company secrets did he blab to you?

company secrets

↓

Well, I'm a bartender. I wouldn’t understand all the science-y talk, right?

bartender science

↓

Touché.

↓

So you do AI at Facebook?

facebook

↓

No, but when I was at MIT, I did my master's thesis on game-playing AIs.

game masters playing

↓

I did a lot of machine learning stuff.

learning machine stuff

↓

For gaming? How does that work?

gaming

↓

It's on my GitHub.

↓

Do you want to check it out?

check

↓

Gavin said he was gonna haul me into court,

court haul

↓

and have a judge compel me to give up my source or go to jail.

jail judge source

↓

Okay? I am not going to jail.

jail

↓

No, no one's going to jail, C.J.

jail ones

↓

Although, if you did, going to jail for protecting your source

jail protecting source

↓

would make you some kind of First Amendment hero.

amendment hero

↓

It's pretty much the best thing that can happen to a journalist.

best happen

↓

Journalist? I'm a tech blogger, okay?

tech

↓

I write stories for the Internet about the Internet.

internet stories write

↓

I am not going to jail for that.

jail

↓

I know it is an inconsequential shit job.

↓

It doesn't really contribute to culture in any way whatsoever.

contribute culture whatsoever

↓

We've established that you don't have any journalistic integrity,

established integrity

↓

but what would it cost to buy you some?

cost

↓

...and then I figured out a way

figured

↓

to train a convolutional net to play Atari 2600 games.

games train

↓

- Uh-oh. - What?

↓

Spaces.

spaces

↓

Yeah, so what, you guys use tabs?

tabs

↓

In this house, yes.

house

↓

Richard is a bit of a zealot in the Tabs V. Spaces holy war.

holy richard spaces tabs

↓

I get that, for his company. Sure.

company

↓

This goes much deeper.

deeper

↓

I think he believes that people who use spaces are less than.

believes less spaces

↓

- Huh... - I wouldn't mention this to Richard.

mention richard

↓

You don't want to see him throw a hissy fit.

throw

↓

Okay. Shall we away, milady?

↓

Nice to meet you guys.

meet

↓

Have fun.

fun

↓

- Bye. - Bye.

↓

I actually kind of liked her.

liked

↓

Too bad Richard's going to fuck it up.

fuck

↓

So, you moved the swimming pool?

moved pool swimming swimming-pool

↓

Yeah, it just felt like it was way too far from the house, like, crazy far.

crazy house

↓

So I had this company come and just move it closer.

closer company

↓

Uh-huh. But then you moved it back?

moved

↓

Yeah, turns out the guy who built this place knew exactly what he was doing,

built place turns

↓

and the pool was right where it needed to be the whole time.

needed pool whole

↓

But now I know that for sure, which feels good.

feels

↓

Nelson, do you like being wealthy?

nelson wealthy

↓

Yeah, oh, man, it's awesome.

awesome

↓

So you want to stay wealthy?

wealthy

↓

- Okay, yeah, sure. - Great.

↓

Here are the three things you need to do, all right?

three

↓

One, stop moving the swimming pool.

moving pool swimming swimming-pool

↓

Oh, yeah, okay, I can do that. What else?

↓

Two, you need to manage your expenses and track your receipts

expenses manage receipts track

↓

a little bit better than this.

↓

I'm only as good as the information I have.

information

↓

Oh, you're great.

↓

No, I wasn't fishing for compliments.

compliments fishing

↓

And three, I sense that people are taking advantage of you.

advantage sense three

↓

Oh, sorry, hold on.

↓

Oh, it's Erlich, I should probably grab this.

grab

↓

Erlich Bachman, a perfect example.

example perfect

↓

You gave him signing power on your personal checking account?

account checking personal power signing

↓

Yeah, he's my business partner.

business business-partner partner

↓

You're not structured as a corporation. You're a general partnership.

corporation general partnership

↓

So he's essentially your spouse.

essentially spouse

↓

That's very dangerous.

dangerous

↓

But I trust him.

trust

↓

He's actually trying to save us money right now, so hold on.

money save

↓

Hey, man.

↓

Big Head, wondrous news.

head news

↓

I eliminated the Gavin problem, and at the exact same time,

eliminated exact problem

↓

I closed funding on our first strategic investment.

closed funding investment strategic

↓

We bought a blog.

bought

↓

Oh, cool. How much do blogs cost?

cool cost

↓

What?

↓

Oh, nothing. We practically stole it from them.

practically stole

↓

What?

↓

I'm bullshitting.

↓

Half a million dollars.

dollars half million million-dollars

↓

Let me talk to him, please.

↓

Uh, hey, hey, Erlich, could you talk to my business manager for a second?

business manager second

↓

No, I've got to jet, but tell him I'll see him at the party.

party

↓

Good day, partner.

partner

↓

Okay, cool.

cool

↓

About the blog...

↓

- Five hundred grand. - Oh, God.

five five-hundred grand hundred

↓

I know, we practically stole it, right?

practically stole

↓

Your roommates are really funny. I like them.

funny roommates

↓

They gave me a little shit.

↓

Oh, well, you can't take that personally.

personally

↓

Oh, it's fine. They gave you shit, too.

↓

Really? What about, like, my hair or something?

hair

↓

No. They tried to convince me you were some sort of formatting Nazi

convince nazi tried

↓

about tabs versus spaces.

spaces tabs versus

↓

What? Me? A Nazi? That's ridiculous.

nazi ridiculous

↓

That's what I said, I mean, I use spaces. So what?

spaces

↓

Mmm...

↓

Yeah, so what?

↓

See, they said you'd have a hissy fit if you found out.

found

↓

Mmm-mmm. Hissy fit. Me? No.

↓

I know.

↓

You know. I know.

↓

I mean, make up your mind, guys,

mind

↓

am I a Nazi or am I a guy who throws hissy fits, you know?

fits nazi throws

↓

Am I a Nazi who throws hissy fits?

fits nazi throws

↓

I hope not. That was Hitler. That was, like, his whole deal.

deal hitler hope whole

↓

I mean, that's pretty insensitive to the Holocaust, don't you think?

holocaust insensitive

↓

'Cause that's, like, what Hitler did. You know, he just, like,

hitler

↓

killed so many people, so tragic, such a tragic time.

killed tragic

↓

- Yeah. - I'm so glad we're not doing that anymore.

anymore glad

↓

I mean, we, like I was, you know...

↓

I want them all to die. I don't. I don't care.

care

↓

I mean, I do care. Don't kill them.

care kill

↓

Them... Jews.

jews

↓

Uh, anyway, what do you want to order here?

order

↓

Is that our P2P protocol?

protocol

↓

Yeah, I'm just hacking for fun.

fun hacking

↓

I figured out a way to use our compression for RTC, so...

figured

↓

Video chat?

chat video

↓

Yeah, I think it could be better resolution than Hooli-Chat.

chat resolution

↓

Even over 3G.

↓

It could just be, like, a fun, cool feature in the platform, you know.

cool feature fun platform

↓

And then coincidentally you'll finally be able to see what Elisabet actually looks like.

able finally

↓

- Oh, yeah. - Huh.

↓

I hadn't thought of that.

↓

If you worked half as hard on the platform

half hard platform worked

↓

as you do trying to ogle strange Slavic women,

strange women

↓

maybe our shares would finally be worth something.

finally shares worth

↓

Hey, uh...

↓

What the hell was that?

↓

Can you give us slightly more, Richard?

richard slightly

↓

Why did you tell Winnie that I think people who use spaces over tabs are stupid?

spaces stupid tabs

↓

Because you do.

↓

No, I don't.

↓

And if I did, which I don't,

↓

why would you say that behind my back to her?

behind

↓

I mean, things were just going so well, until she...

↓

That was completely lovely.

completely lovely

↓

Yeah, it was really nice.

↓

You're really something. I'll give you a call later, okay?

↓

Okay, cool, yeah. Great, sounds good.

cool sounds

↓

Bye, Jared.

jared

↓

Bye.

↓

Jared?

jared

↓

Yeah?

↓

Who was that?

↓

Oh, that was Carol.

carol

↓

So, uh, Jared, did you just have sex with her?

jared

↓

What?

↓

I'm an adult,

adult

↓

and like the rest of you, I'm a sexual being.

rest sexual

↓

You fucked her in the garage?

fucked garage

↓

Well, it's the server room and my bedroom.

bedroom room server

↓

What, so you just meet a woman,

meet woman

↓

and then you have sex with her?

↓

How often does this happen?

happen often

↓

Well, if you're asking me how many times I've been in love, the answer is two.

answer asking love times

↓

But the rest, I won't talk about.

rest

↓

It's untoward.

↓

Russ was right, this guy fucks.

fucks

↓

Who was that gorgeous gazelle in the driveway?

driveway gazelle gorgeous

↓

Well, I've said all I care to, let's move on.

care

↓

She let Jared have sex with her.

jared

↓

Jared, nice. Using that dick.

dick jared using

↓

Gents,

gents

↓

I'd like to invite you to what promises to be the social event of the season.

event invite promises season social

↓

Bachmanity Insanity.

insanity

↓

Alcatraz?

↓

Don't worry, it will be unrecognizable.

worry

↓

Jared, with regards to the...

jared

↓

You need a plus one?

plus

↓

Oh, no, thank you. I think it's too early for that.

early

↓

Good idea.

idea

↓

Don't bring sand to the beach, there's already pussy there.

beach bring pussy sand

↓

Richard, I assume you'll be taking your woman friend?

assume friend richard woman

↓

You know what? Yes.

↓

She and I will be there together.

↓

I'm going to make this work,

↓

despite all your little attempts to sabotage my relationship.

attempts despite relationship sabotage

↓

You can do anything you put your mind to, Richard.

mind richard

↓

Including turning Alcatraz into Hawaii.

hawaii including turning

↓

You Okay?

↓

Yeah. Yeah, all good. Great.

↓

- You know... - What?

↓

My roommate's going out of town tomorrow,

roommates tomorrow town

↓

so if we want to come back here after Erlich's party...

party

↓

Oh. Okay, yeah. Sure, that sounds good to me.

sounds

↓

All right, it's a date.

date

↓

See you then.

↓

Richard, what's wrong?

richard

↓

Nothing. Nothing. Literally, it's all good.

↓

Come on.

↓

- Oh, my God! - I'm sorry.

↓

Your roommates were right, you really hate spaces.

hate roommates spaces

↓

No,no,no.

↓

I don't... It's not hate. Hate's a strong word. Um...

hate hates strong strong-word word

↓

Truth be told, I do have a slight preference for tabs.

slight tabs truth

↓

But that's only because I'm anal and because I prefer precision.

anal prefer

↓

Well, not to pick a fight here,

fight pick

↓

but if you really care about precision, wouldn't you use spaces?

care spaces

↓

- N... - But whatever.

↓

Once it goes through the compiler, it's the same thing, right?

↓

Yeah. Yeah, technically, yes.

technically

↓

I guess I just don't understand why you...

↓

Anyone would use spaces over tabs.

spaces tabs

↓

Like, if it's all the same, why not just use tabs?

tabs

↓

Because it could look different on other people's computers.

computers peoples

↓

Tabs create smaller file sizes, all right?

create file sizes smaller tabs

↓

I run a compression company.

company

↓

Trust me, I've devoted my life to minimalizing file sizes.

devoted file life sizes trust

↓

It's what I do.

↓

I mean, I do not get why anyone would use spaces over tabs.

spaces tabs

↓

I mean, why not just use Vim over Emacs?

↓

I do use Vim over Emac.

↓

Oh, God, help us!

↓

Okay. Uh...

↓

You know what?

↓

I just... I don't think this is going to work. I'm so sorry.

↓

I mean, like, what?

↓

We're going to bring kids into this world with that over their heads?

bring heads kids world

↓

That's not really fair to them, don't you think?

fair

↓

Kids? We haven't even slept together.

kids slept

↓

And guess what, it's never going to happen now,

happen

↓

because there is no way I'm going to be with someone who uses spaces over tabs.

spaces tabs uses

↓

Richard.

richard

↓

Wow, okay.

↓

Good bye.

↓

One tab saves you eight spaces.

eight saves spaces

↓

on!

↓

Oh, my God!

↓

Richard, what happened?

happened richard

↓

I just tried to go down the stairs eight steps at a time.

eight stairs steps tried

↓

I'm okay, though.

↓

See you around, Richard.

richard

↓

Just making a point.

point

↓

Huh.

↓

This new video chat protocol is making your image crystal clear.

chat clear crystal crystal-clear image protocol video

↓

Wait one second, Dinesh.

second

↓

Uh, Dinesh, I can't see you, it's all black.

black

↓

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't give the camera permission to access the video chat, hold on.

access camera chat permission video

↓

Boom!

boom

↓

Yes, I can see you now.

↓

It's me!

↓

Pakistani Denzel!

↓

Yes.

↓

The Denzel who is from Pakistan.

↓

This video quality is great, right? Looks so sharp.

quality sharp video

↓

That's what we do here at Pied Piper.

piper

↓

It's very impressive.

impressive

↓

Um, I will have to tell my boyfriend all about it.

boyfriend

↓

Boyfriend?

boyfriend

↓

You never mentioned a boyfriend.

boyfriend mentioned

↓

Oh, no? Um...

↓

This is because he's now just husband.

husband

↓

Um, I keep forgetting to say this, husband,

forgetting husband

↓

but it is very good to see you this way, and we will talk more tomorrow.

tomorrow

↓

Yeah, we'll talk...

↓

Either she froze time,

froze

↓

met and married the man of her dreams,

dreams married

↓

unfroze time, and hopped back on to vid chat with you,

chat hopped

↓

or you're the dogface.

↓

Which do you think it is?

↓

I'm on the fence.

fence

↓

What the fuck is going on?

fuck

↓

Richard found a girl, you have a girlfriend, Jared is getting laid with a girl.

found girl girlfriend jared laid richard

↓

Hi, Mom.

↓

Oh, God.

↓

Winnie, Winnie, Winnie, Winnie.

↓

Sweet, sweet Elisabet.

sweet

↓

Gentlemen, mahalo for coming.

coming gentlemen

↓

You must taste the breaded humuhumunukunukuapua'a,

must taste

↓

flown in fresh this a.m.

flown fresh

↓

What is mumu...

↓

It's breaded.

↓

Get ready.

ready

↓

In T-minus five minutes, Big Head and I are going to take that stage,

five five-minutes head minus minutes stage

↓

and I am going to ejaculate my success all over

success

↓

the faces and hair of my fiercest rivals.

faces hair

↓

Like some sort of vengeful viscous web of payback.

payback

↓

- Erlich? - Yes.

↓

One moment.

moment

↓

- Sasha, you are doing an exceptional job. - Oh.

exceptional sasha

↓

I mean, I see no evidence that we are not in Hawaii.

evidence hawaii

↓

Hmm. We have a problem.

problem

↓

Just, several of our vendors are saying that your checks have bounced.

bounced checks several

↓

Uh, Sasha, hikiki'i. I'll be back.

sasha

↓

Big Head, Big Head.

head

↓

Why are our checks bouncing?

bouncing checks

↓

If you had responded to any of my phone calls,

calls phone phone-calls responded

↓

I would've explained it to you.

explained wouldve

↓

And who the fuck are you?

fuck

↓

Uh, Erlich, this is my business manager, Arthur...

arthur business manager

↓

Klaiman.

↓

Klaiman. I knew it was something with Clay.

clay

↓

As I was explaining to Mr. Bighetti,

explaining

↓

I've finally managed to get a handle on his finances.

finally finances handle managed

↓

Our finances. Continue.

continue finances

↓

After your considerable outlay on lifestyle,

lifestyle

↓

this party and half a million dollars on a website,

dollars half million million-dollars party website

↓

you're functionally insolvent.

↓

Big Head, you're broke?

broke head

↓

We're broke, dude.

broke

↓

Erlich, it's time.

↓

You have my number. I left it on your voice mail.

left mail number voice

↓

Several times.

several several-times times

↓

Titans of the tech world, I give you Nelson Bighetti, Erlich Bachman

nelson tech world

↓

and Bachmanity!

↓

- Aloha. - Uh, that means hello.

↓

Oh, and goodbye.

goodbye