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Home » Silicon Valley » S03E05 — The Empty Chair

Silicon Valley

Season 3, Episode 5 — The Empty Chair

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: The Empty Chair

Air date: May 22, 2016

Director: Eric Appel

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

Richard's ego gets in the way during an interview. Erlich makes his pitch to Big Head. Dinesh, Gilfoyle and Jared lose track of some hardware.

Source: TMDB

↓

Okay, here's another one.

another

↓

TechCrunch says, "Laurie Bream spotted lunching at the Rosewood

laurie spotted

↓

"with yet another rising tech star, Sam Herron.

another rising star tech

↓

"Could this finally be the new CEO of Pied Piper?"

finally piper

↓

Maybe she's just fucking them all.

fucking

↓

It's been 10 days. You know what would be nice?

days

↓

If I found out what Laurie wanted to do with my company from her

company found laurie wanted

↓

instead of the fucking Internet.

fucking internet

↓

Richard, the accountants finally agreed to release our books.

agreed books finally release richard

↓

Okay.

↓

Hey, Richard. ls there anything we should be doing?

richard

↓

I don't know. Why are you asking me? I'm not the CEO.

asking

↓

There is no CEO.

↓

Because, apparently, Jack's empty fucking chair

apparently chair empty fucking jacks

↓

is a better choice than I am.

choice

↓

So, maybe ask the chair, see what it thinks.

chair thinks

↓

Say what you will about the chair,

chair

↓

but at least it never told me to build a fucking box.

build fucking least

↓

True. Compared to Richard, it's a lot sturdier.

compared richard

↓

And it has a lot less of Barker's ass rubbed all over it.

less rubbed

↓

Are you serious?

serious

↓

On top of Jack's ridiculous severance package,

jacks package ridiculous

↓

we spent $1,000 on each one of your fucking monitors?

fucking monitors spent

↓

We did? Huh. That's very pricey.

↓

So what? Raviga funded us for $5 million.

million

↓

There's no way we burned through all that.

burned

↓

Do you have any idea how these deals work? That money's tranched.

deals idea moneys

↓

- What's that? - Well, from the Old French for "slice."

french slice

↓

Yeah, try to keep up, Dinesh.

↓

We get our money in stages.

money stages

↓

Right? We get $2 million upfront to get us going,

million

↓

to design and build the product,

build design product

↓

but we don't get the next three million until we take a product to market.

market million product three

↓

And Jack was okay with hemorrhaging money,

jack money

↓

because he thought we were launching the box

↓

and then getting the next three million in the next few weeks.

million three weeks

↓

But the platform will take way longer to launch than that.

launch longer platform

↓

Yes. So we are effectively a $250 million company

company million

↓

who just took $5 million in funding,

funding million

↓

and now we're dead-ass broke.

broke dead

↓

Our burn rate is astronomical,

burn rate

↓

and every day we sit in limbo like this...

limbo

↓

What if we don't?

↓

What if we don't sit in limbo?

limbo

↓

Like, fuck limbo, right?

fuck limbo

↓

I mean, right now, let's fire all these fucking sales assholes,

assholes fire fucking sales

↓

and break the lease on this place and get the fuck out of here.

break fuck lease place

↓

Can we do that? There's no CEO here to approve any of that.

approve

↓

Yeah. There's also no CEO here to tell me not to do it, right?

↓

That's right. You're the CTO. Technically, you're the ranking officer.

officer ranking technically

↓

Fucking A.

fucking

↓

Look, when, or if, a new CEO comes to take over the company,

comes company

↓

we will do what they say to the best of our abilities.

abilities best

↓

But there is a very real possibility

possibility real

↓

that there won't be a company for them to take over

company

↓

if we don't do something about it now.

↓

- So, no more surprise waffles. - What?

surprise waffles

↓

- No more Chef Amy. - No.

chef

↓

And no more of these stupid offices, okay?

offices stupid

↓

We're going to move back to the hostel.

↓

- Fuck. - Dinesh, we need to cut every corner,

corner fuck

↓

save every penny, and plow it into engineers to build the platform. Okay?

build engineers penny platform plow save

↓

Then we will be back on track.

track

↓

So Gilfoyle, Dinesh, pack up those gold-plated monitors

gold monitors pack

↓

because we are selling them.

selling

↓

Jared, come on. Let's do this.

jared

↓

Hmm. Well, that sucks.

sucks

↓

Jesus.

jesus

↓

Okay, guys. Can I have your attention, please?

attention

↓

Yeah, next goal wins.

goal wins

↓

No. Now. Sorry, it's got to be now.

↓

And so, bring it in, Dang,

bring dang

↓

Chef Amy, Jan the Man, Keith, Northeast Regional.

chef keith northeast regional

↓

And do you still have your shadow?

shadow

↓

- Yo. - Hey, there he is.

↓

Okay, uh, circle up.

circle

↓

All right, I have some news for you.

news

↓

Is this about the new CEO?

↓

Recode is saying that it could be Reid Hoffman.

reid

↓

No. I don't know anything about that.

↓

No, no. There's no new CEO. There's no new employees of any kind.

employees

↓

There's actually... It's more about you guys becoming former employees.

becoming employees former

↓

So, look, we're heading in a different direction.

direction heading

↓

And what that means is, if I haven't taken you aside

aside taken

↓

and spoken to you privately about staying on, that does mean that you are

privately spoken staying

↓

terminated immediately.

immediately terminated

↓

So, Dang, Chef Amy, Jan the Man, all of Sales,

chef dang sales

↓

I am really sorry about all this.

↓

Are you sure that you can fire us, like, legally?

fire legally

↓

Yeah. Yes, absolutely.

absolutely

↓

I'm CTO. I'm the highest ranking officer, so yes, answer.

answer highest officer ranking

↓

You're still CTO? Laurie hasn't fired you yet?

fired laurie

↓

No, she has... Why would she fire me?

fire

↓

Well, Code/Rag said that your tech is mediocre

code tech

↓

and that's why no one will take the CEO job.

↓

- What? - Yeah.

↓

That's why I assumed that you'd been fired.

assumed fired

↓

Uh, maybe she's waiting till Friday to fire him.

fire friday till waiting

↓

- Oh, that makes sense. - No, it doesn't make sense.

makes makes-sense sense

↓

That's not what's happening, okay?

↓

I'm not getting fired. That's crazy.

crazy fired

↓

I haven't read this article. Okay, maybe I'm too busy

article busy read

↓

making the tech awesome, because it's not mediocre.

awesome tech

↓

It's actually... Turns out, it's fucking revolutionary.

fucking turns

↓

So, I guess that's the truth.

truth

↓

And also, I'm not fired, these guys aren't fired, you all are fired.

fired

↓

Everyone from this wall is fired. So, enjoy being fired.

enjoy fired wall

↓

Jesus. This is a good apple.

apple jesus

↓

- Where did you get this? - Oh, I have a fruit guy.

fruit

↓

Fantastic.

fantastic

↓

Read me back what we have so far.

read

↓

Uh, "Bachman and Bighetti shall each include in this venture

include venture

↓

"any and all portfolio companies.

companies portfolio

↓

"The exception shall be for Pied Piper."

exception piper

↓

Hey, how come Pied Piper is not a part of it?

part piper

↓

'Cause, you know, I actually used to work there, so maybe it should be?

used

↓

Big Head, Pied Piper is no longer an incubating entity.

entity head longer piper

↓

It would be unfair to you, and to me, and to them

unfair

↓

for me to relinquish any of my shares in their company.

company shares

↓

And besides, like you, I'm giving up everything else I have of value,

besides giving value

↓

shares, options, cash, liquid assets.

assets cash liquid options shares

↓

Wait. So all my assets?

assets

↓

That seems like kind of a lot.

seems

↓

It is a lot, Big Head. We're both giving up a lot.

giving head

↓

We're both gaining a lot also.

gaining

↓

And that's what every successful partnership is about.

partnership successful

↓

Committing fully, blindly, and without concern of the consequences,

blindly committing concern consequences fully

↓

-like marriage. - Right.

marriage

↓

Oh, here. Get this down.

↓

In the event of a tie vote, any disagreement shall be settled

event settled vote

↓

with a toss of a coin of Mr. Bachman's choosing.

choosing coin toss

↓

What the fuck are you doing in here?

fuck

↓

Can't you see we're having a meeting?

having meeting

↓

Go ahead, Big Head, read that back to me.

ahead go-ahead head read

↓

Oh, um, "In the event of a tie..."

event

↓

The fucking juicer's broken.

broken fucking

↓

This is the second one in two days!

days second

↓

C.J. Cantwell of Code/Rag writes, and I quote,

code quote writes

↓

"Having met this many candidates without closing one,

candidates closing having

↓

"one can't help wonder why Pied Piper can't land a man.

land piper wonder

↓

"Could the vaunted tech of founder Richard Hendricks,

founder richard tech

↓

"whom I once called the next Mark Zuckerberg,

called mark

↓

"be turning Pied Piper from a unicorn into a donkey wearing a party hat?"

donkey party piper turning unicorn wearing

↓

- And? - And she's slandering my tech.

tech

↓

It's the one thing that's working around here.

working

↓

Look, I think if I just talk to her, I can get her to change it.

change

↓

No. I do not want you to engage with a muckraker like C.J. Cantwell

engage

↓

simply to salve your male ego.

male simply

↓

My male ego has nothing to do with this, Laurie.

laurie male

↓

Look, good coders won't want to work for a company they think has shitty tech.

company shitty tech

↓

I need to get ahead of this now. And if I don't, we're done.

ahead

↓

Richard, whether you appreciate this or not, I do actually have a plan here.

appreciate plan richard whether

↓

You can meet with everyone in Palo Alto to replace me as CEO.

meet replace

↓

I'm not going to tell you how to do your job.

↓

Okay, but I need to do something about this, now.

↓

She's calling us the next Clinkle.

calling

↓

Clinkle, Laurie. Clinkle.

laurie

↓

You do know what happened to Clinkle, right?

happened

↓

- Do you want us to be Clinkle? - Please, just stop saying "Clinkle."

↓

It jars the ear.

jars

↓

Fine. I will have my office set up an interview.

interview office

↓

But I want you to present yourself well, Richard.

present richard

↓

Be showered, groomed, well-dressed.

dressed

↓

And you will need to sit down with our head of PR beforehand to go over talking points.

beforehand head points

↓

Why?

↓

Because you are in an emotional state,

emotional state

↓

and when you are emotional, you become highly inarticulate.

become emotional highly

↓

Well, I don't say that's true.

↓

Okay. Yes. Fine. Sure.

↓

Um...

↓

And thank you, Laurie.

laurie

↓

Before you ask, the answer is yes, I did blow all these hard drives clean.

answer blow clean drives hard

↓

- So... - You really are a moron.

moron

↓

The only way to really blow the hard drives clean

blow clean drives hard

↓

is to take a drill and punch a hole through it.

drill hole punch

↓

All right, calm down, Snowden. I zeroed them all out, we're fine.

calm

↓

Welcome, welcome.

welcome

↓

Uh, we have lost our lease, so everything must go.

lease lost must

↓

The chairs are arranged in ascending order of lumbar support.

arranged chairs lumbar order support

↓

So, have a gander.

↓

Oh, uh, word to the wise,

wise word

↓

the Haworths are like a spa day for the buttocks.

↓

Yeah, and I have a fragile posterior.

fragile

↓

My aunt used to call me "glasshole."

aunt used

↓

So, you can take it from me.

↓

Look at these fucking maggots.

fucking maggots

↓

Crawling all over our garbage, leaving their slime of mediocrity.

crawling garbage leaving

↓

Ah, I thought you'd feel right at home in a marketplace,

home

↓

haggling, selling your monkey paws,

monkey paws selling

↓

looking for Indiana Jones in a wicker basket.

basket indiana indiana-jones jones looking wicker

↓

Okay. Marion was in the wicker basket,

basket wicker

↓

Indiana Jones was tipping them over, you fucking idiot.

fucking fucking-idiot idiot indiana indiana-jones jones tipping

↓

Hi.

↓

Let me know if you have any questions.

questions

↓

Well, how about that? I made my first sale.

sale

↓

I've organized a lot of estate sales, so this is kind of my wheelhouse.

estate organized sales

↓

- What? - I have a lot of elderly friends.

friends

↓

Oh, that is a fun item.

fun item

↓

That's a hardware fan.

hardware

↓

You've got the yellow hoodie on today.

today yellow

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Wait a second.

second

↓

None of these are signed.

signed

↓

Oh, yeah. Urn, it's just my business manager had some questions

business manager questions

↓

about the way some of this stuff was being arranged.

arranged stuff

↓

Like, he said something about how it's not a corporation.

corporation

↓

It's just a general partnership or something.

general partnership

↓

I mean, he told me I didn't understand, which is true,

↓

so he wanted to maybe talk to you about it.

wanted

↓

So you want to lawyer up? Is that what we're doing?

lawyer

↓

I don't think he has a law degree.

degree

↓

Big Head, I would hope that a handshake deal would be good enough for you.

deal handshake head hope

↓

Because we're headed down a long road,

headed road

↓

and that road must be paved with trust. Blind trust.

blind must paved road trust

↓

And you bringing in these so-called "experts"

bringing called experts

↓

really gives me pause,

gives pause

↓

and it insults my honor.

honor insults

↓

Huh. Uh, sorry, hold on. I got to take this. I'll be right back.

↓

Sorry. Hello?

↓

Hey. Uh, how do I look?

↓

If I'm being honest, like a ventriloquist dummy.

dummy honest

↓

Uh, okay. Well, you know, that's actually kind of fitting,

fitting

↓

because I'm on my way to Raviga right now

↓

to meet with a PR person to tell me exactly what to say

meet person

↓

to a reporter and how to say it.

reporter

↓

Well, that does make sense.

sense

↓

You do tend to babble on when you're under pressure.

pressure tend

↓

Why does this thing people say?

↓

Why indeed?

indeed

↓

That was weird.

weird

↓

I just got a call from Laurie Bream's office at Raviga,

laurie office

↓

asking if I'd want to interview for the job of CEO at Pied Piper.

asking interview piper

↓

What? Are you fucking kidding me?

fucking fucking-kidding kidding

↓

That's exactly what I said.

↓

Then I said no, and then we both hung up.

hung

↓

I mean, I assume they hung up. I had already hung up, so...

assume hung

↓

Wow. Wow.

↓

Okay. Okay. Yeah, great. Big Head.

head

↓

Big Head? Fucking kidding me?

fucking fucking-kidding head kidding

↓

What the fuck is going on?

fuck

↓

Big Head, you can insult me all you want

head insult

↓

by involving your self-described shylocks,

described involving self

↓

but to insult Richard and humiliate him,

humiliate insult richard

↓

that's like kicking a child who's done nothing to deserve it.

child deserve kicking

↓

I may not be able to finish my ramen.

able finish

↓

I told them no.

↓

Hi there. Richard Hendricks here to see Dawn Simon, PR.

dawn richard simon

↓

Sure, she'll be meeting you in the small conference room.

conference conference-room meeting room shell

↓

- Um, do you need me... - No, no. I, uh, I know where it is.

↓

It turns out, I actually know something.

turns

↓

I'm not a fucking idiot.

fucking fucking-idiot idiot

↓

- Richard Hendricks. Hi. - Before we get any further,

further richard

↓

I just want you to know that I'm not going to be yelling at you,

yelling

↓

but I probably am going to yell.

yell

↓

- Okay. - Okay. Uh...

↓

Because this is bullshit.

bullshit

↓

Honestly, I mean, I get it. This is your job. You're in PR.

↓

Your job is to pretty much tell me what I can't say.

↓

I mean, when I talk to this reporter, I probably can't say

reporter

↓

how fucked up it is that Laurie Bream fired me

fired fucked laurie

↓

and then replaced me with Action Jack Barker.

action jack replaced

↓

I probably can't say how the only action he took

action

↓

was to essentially pick the wrong product and then bleed the company dry.

bleed company essentially pick product

↓

And I probably can't say how fucking pissed off I am

fucking pissed

↓

that Laurie Bream is out there gallivanting around the Valley,

laurie valley

↓

interviewing every dickhole on Earth for my job, including Big Head,

earth head including

↓

a man that I fired, by the way.

fired

↓

And no offense, I like him. I do actually.

offense

↓

He's a close friend of mine, been that way for years.

close friend years

↓

But he is a bit of a simpleton, and his name's fucking Big Head.

fucking head names

↓

But, okay, look.

↓

I want to be CEO of Pied Piper, okay?

piper

↓

It is my company. I worked my ass off to build this company, okay?

build company worked

↓

That's my job. I deserve it.

deserve

↓

And it fucking kills me that Laurie is out there

fucking kills laurie

↓

trying to give it to someone else, anyone but me.

↓

But I probably can't say that, can I?

↓

You can say anything you want to say to me.

↓

All right.

↓

Thank you for meeting me, Monica.

meeting

↓

You are from...

↓

Baltimore.

baltimore

↓

H.L. Mencken hails from Baltimore.

baltimore

↓

Who?

↓

Widely perceived as a racist,

perceived racist

↓

but his work on the English language is comprehensive,

english language

↓

and his perspicacious skewering of evangelicals is laudable.

↓

Monica, my mission here is not merely to have fun.

fun merely mission

↓

That's okay.

↓

When I voted against you at the board meeting, I just want...

board board-meeting meeting voted

↓

Monica, this is not about you, for once.

↓

I brought you here to say

brought

↓

- I am sorry. - For...

↓

Ah, yes, of course. You are going to make me say it.

course

↓

Why am I not surprised?

surprised

↓

I made a mistake with Richard Hendricks.

mistake richard

↓

And out I went, right on my ass.

↓

And then Laurie put that jackhole Barker in to bankrupt the company.

company laurie

↓

But does she cop to that? No, no, no.

↓

Because the Laurie-tron 6,000

laurie

↓

isn't programmed to admit when she's made a mistake.

admit mistake programmed

↓

I made an error.

error

↓

Wow, um, that's really big of you to admit.

admit

↓

I should not have removed him as CEO,

removed

↓

and installing Jack Barker in his place only compounded that error.

error jack place

↓

But if that's true, then why are you meeting with so many other CEO candidates?

candidates meeting

↓

I am meeting publically with a number of high-value candidates

candidates meeting number value

↓

I know to be unavailable,

↓

as well as with a number of less-qualified candidates

candidates less number qualified

↓

with whom Richard compares favorably.

richard

↓

That's why you called Big Head.

called head

↓

Yes. You see, Richard must not be perceived as being the most expedient candidate.

candidate must perceived richard

↓

He must be seen as the correct candidate.

candidate correct must seen

↓

This is very exciting for Richard.

exciting richard

↓

I have been impressed by his conduct in a tough situation.

conduct impressed situation tough

↓

- He's shown mettle. - Mmm-hmm. Definitely.

shown

↓

Therefore, I will call for a vote at the next board meeting

board board-meeting meeting therefore vote

↓

to offer him the job.

offer

↓

That is, of course, assuming he continues to demonstrate an air of professionalism.

assuming continues course demonstrate

↓

Hi, Dawn. Are you waiting for someone?

dawn waiting

↓

Yes. I'm supposed to be meeting with Richard Hendricks

meeting richard supposed

↓

before he sits down with a Code/Rag reporter.

code reporter sits

↓

Oh, that's weird. I saw him earlier.

weird

↓

And that is why...

↓

I'm just being honest here.

honest

↓

I think that Peter Gregory is better off where he is.

gregory peter

↓

Just saying, because if he knew what Laurie was doing to his company,

company laurie

↓

he probably would want to take a gun and blow his brains out.

blow brains

↓

Uh, okay.

↓

We should probably start talking about the things that I can say.

start

↓

Um...

↓

Richard. Richard Hendricks?

richard

↓

Yes. Who are you?

↓

Dawn Simon, Raviga's publicity director.

dawn director publicity simon

↓

So that would make you...

↓

C.J. Cantwell, Code/Rag.

code

↓

Thank you, I think I have everything I need.

↓

Please tell me that went well.

↓

Yep. No, yeah.

↓

It, uh... It was gone great.

gone

↓

Yep. It had gone.

gone

↓

It was great.

↓

Uh, she's a great guy.

↓

Really. Girl. She's cool. She's a cool one.

cool girl

↓

Cool. I can just... I can get out here?

cool

↓

- Just 'cause I got another thing. - Yeah.

another

↓

Slow down. Listen to me. Look, in my defense,

defense slow

↓

I said those were all the things I can't say, okay?

↓

So it's kind of like I didn't even say them.

↓

But you did say them, at a meeting you scheduled with a reporter.

meeting reporter scheduled

↓

Reporter? Come on, you're a tech blogger.

reporter tech

↓

Oh, really. Hard to see why Laurie insisted on a PR rep for you.

hard insisted laurie

↓

Look, uh, just... Tell me what I can do to kill this?

kill

↓

- You want me to spike the story? - Yes, please.

spike story

↓

Give me something better. I don't know, go on a drunken racist Twitter rant,

drunken racist rant twitter

↓

or get in your car, run over Elon Musk,

↓

and give me an exclusive from jail. Yeah.

exclusive jail

↓

Otherwise, I'm posting this at noon tomorrow, so...

noon otherwise posting tomorrow

↓

No, no, no, no. Look. Look.

↓

If you want to leave, you're going to have to run me over!

↓

These offices were nice.

offices

↓

Now everything looks so bare.

bare

↓

Yeah. There is a certain sad vulnerability to it.

certain vulnerability

↓

Have you ever seen a naked dead person?

dead naked person seen

↓

No. No. No.

↓

Hmm.

↓

Well, the good news is, we cleared

cleared news

↓

almost $70,000 from selling all this stuff.

selling stuff

↓

That's not enough to afford all the coders we need.

afford

↓

We need at least a dozen.

dozen least

↓

Where would we even put them now?

↓

Shall we?

↓

Wait. Where's my hard drive?

drive hard hard-drive

↓

What did it look like?

↓

It just looked like a normal standard hard drive.

drive hard hard-drive looked normal standard

↓

- You sure it was in your bag? - Yeah, it was in my bag.

↓

Could it maybe have slid out and was next to your bag,

↓

which was next to all the hard drives we got rid of?

drives hard

↓

Did you sell my personal hard drive?

drive hard hard-drive personal sell

↓

You didn't happen to wipe that one clean, too, did you?

clean happen wipe

↓

- My personal hard drive? - Yeah.

drive hard hard-drive personal

↓

No! Fuck!

fuck

↓

So it had our confidential IP on it?

confidential

↓

Yes. All the work we did on the platform, the box, everything.

platform

↓

Okay, well, what's gone is not necessarily lost.

gone lost necessarily

↓

Okay, we just need to find it.

↓

I found my retainer in the school dumpster.

dumpster found retainer school

↓

I found my biological father in a militia up in the Ozarks.

biological biological-father father found

↓

This should be no problem.

problem

↓

Don't worry, Dinesh, we'll find it.

worry

↓

Uh...

↓

Does he not know we're moving out?

moving

↓

Should We tell him?

↓

No. Jack paid him in full up front,

front full jack paid

↓

and he seems so at peace.

peace seems

↓

- All right. - All right.

↓

I am such an idiot.

idiot

↓

You've got no choice, Richard.

choice richard

↓

You need to go in to Laurie and just tell her what happened.

happened laurie

↓

What? It's bad enough she's going to find out what I said after this piece posts online.

online piece posts

↓

You want me to go in and tell her right to her face?

face

↓

No fucking way.

fucking

↓

You could spin it. Tell her you're sorry.

spin

↓

I had it. I had my old CEO job back, and I fucked it up.

fucked

↓

I'll get it.

↓

Ah. The Super Angel Premium Deluxe.

angel deluxe premium super

↓

In the flesh.

flesh

↓

Yeah, I had to drive to San Mateo to get one that has auto-reverse.

auto drive reverse

↓

Why didn't you send your assistant?

assistant send

↓

She was on the phone, so...

phone

↓

Well, Big Head, it takes a brave man to admit his mistakes,

admit brave head mistakes takes

↓

and with this token of apology, you've officially righted your wrong.

apology officially token

↓

Consider the matter resolved.

consider matter resolved

↓

Cool.

cool

↓

Traditionally, the offender shakes the offendee's hand,

hand shakes traditionally

↓

so you would come to me.

↓

That's an honest Thomas.

honest thomas

↓

Gentlemen, Monica, from the ashes of whatever happens here

ashes gentlemen happens

↓

will rise the phoenix that shall be known as Bachmanity.

known rise

↓

That's what you're gonna call your company?

company

↓

Yeah, well, before it was gonna be Bachman Capital.

capital

↓

Because I provide the Bachman, and he provides the capital.

capital provide

↓

Yeah, but then, we compromised, and made it Bachmanity,

compromised

↓

'cause it's Bachman from him and then the "etti" from me.

↓

So it's two syllables each.

↓

Very much into keeping score, this one. Have a seat.

keeping keeping-score score seat

↓

I'll go fetch the documents and my Montblanc.

documents fetch

↓

Psst!

psst

↓

So, slight hiccup. I tracked down the woman who bought the drive,

bought drive hiccup slight tracked woman

↓

but she wasn't interested in selling it back.

interested selling

↓

Apparently, she's already given it to her elderly father

apparently father given

↓

and booked the Geek Squad to set it up for him this afternoon.

afternoon booked geek squad

↓

What about my drive? All our stuff is on there.

drive stuff

↓

I think we're fine.

↓

She said he mostly uses the computer to download photos of old ships.

computer download mostly photos ships uses

↓

I don't think he'll be able to find our files even if he wanted to.

able files wanted

↓

Well, I mean, hopefully. But still...

hopefully

↓

Dinesh is right, this is sloppy.

sloppy

↓

Where does this guy live?

live

↓

Shit, Richard, I'm sorry, man.

richard

↓

Initial here and here.

initial

↓

No. It's okay. I deserve it. It's my own fault.

deserve fault

↓

And you're gonna wanna sign here.

sign

↓

Still, man, that just really sucks.

sucks

↓

You know, I bet you wish you could just scrub the whole Internet,

internet scrub whole wish

↓

like Gavin Belson does, right?

↓

Whoa, weird.

weird whoa

↓

Every single one of my signatures looks totally different.

single

↓

- Wait. What? - Yeah, look.

↓

This one's in cursive, this one's just printed, and then I...

ones printed

↓

One I just wrote "Big Head," but that's not going to hold up.

head wrote

↓

No, no, no. Did you just say Gavin Belson scrubbed the Internet?

internet

↓

Oh, yeah.

↓

Yeah, and then they told me to my face,

face

↓

that after Nucleus was shut down,

↓

Gavin had one of his execs order them to scrub

order scrub

↓

all negative mentions of Nucleus off of Hooli Search.

negative search

↓

Wow. Okay, when exactly did this happen?

happen

↓

No, no. Actually...

↓

You told me that you would spike my story if I give you something better.

spike story

↓

This is better, right?

↓

Yeah. Light-years better, actually.

light years

↓

Your story's spiked. Great, okay.

spiked storys

↓

As long as we're trading apples for comparable apples,

apples trading

↓

I've got a fresh and juicy that's ripe for the picking.

fresh juicy picking ripe

↓

Ms. Cantwell, what say you to an exclusive on the launch of a future financial behemoth?

exclusive financial future launch

↓

How about we just stick with Gavin?

stick

↓

Gavin for Richard? Deal?

deal richard

↓

Done.

↓

Monica, do you really need to be here?

↓

- Geek Squad. - The computer's right here.

computers geek squad

↓

You're not wearing the shirt.

shirt wearing

↓

I spilled coffee on it.

coffee spilled

↓

I'm a nerd.

nerd

↓

All right. We're all set here.

↓

Yes.

↓

Can I have my hard drive?

drive hard hard-drive

↓

Oh, no. You fucking dick.

dick fucking fucking-dick

↓

Shit.

↓

You're gonna be replacing it.

replacing

↓

You're back. How did the board meeting go?

board board-meeting meeting

↓

Well, um...

↓

You're looking at the past, present, and possibly future CEO of Pied Piper.

future looking past piper possibly present

↓

Oh, that is...

↓

Oh, congratulations!

congratulations

↓

- Jared... - My captain.

captain jared

↓

"O Captain! my Captain! Rise up and hear the bells

bells captain rise

↓

"Rise up-for you the flag is flung for you the bugle trills."

bugle flag rise trills

↓

All right. Dismissed.

dismissed

↓

Well, uh, just to remind you, Pied Piper is still a sinking ship, so...

piper remind ship sinking

↓

Enough with the maritime metaphors.

metaphors

↓

This is honestly, like, the best birthday gift that I ever could've asked for.

asked best birthday couldve gift

↓

-It's your birthday? - Uh, I don't know.

birthday

↓

The CPS worker couldn't find my birth certificate,

birth certificate worker

↓

but maybe now it is.

↓

And in other good news, we've managed to fill out our engineering team.

engineering fill managed news team

↓

Did you tell them that my Fage's off-limits?

limits

↓

Oh, that won't be a worry.

worry

↓

Come meet them.

meet

↓

All right, guys, who wants to start work on the fragment uploader?

start wants

↓

Uh, Gleb, why don't you and Sanjay take it?

↓

Richard, say hi.

richard

↓

Yes. Hello, lam, um, Richard Hendricks, the CEO of Pied Piper.

piper richard

↓

- Welcome aboard. - Hi.

aboard welcome welcome-aboard

↓

What the fuck is going on here?

fuck

↓

We got a little creative.

creative

↓

Um, I read that the woman who started Pegg'd

read started woman

↓

built her entire app using a team of coders from India she never met in person.

built entire india person team using

↓

And it only cost $15,000.

cost

↓

Yeah, so we figured why limit ourselves to a few expensive people in the Valley,

expensive figured limit valley

↓

when we could afford a full complement if we outsourced?

afford complement full

↓

Um, Richard, I know we said that we sold everything in the offices

offices richard sold

↓

to pay for these guys, but that was not exactly true.

↓

Um, we kept one thing.

↓

Okay.

↓

Oh, wow. It's the CEO chair.

chair

↓

Ah.

↓

Have a seat.

seat

↓

Okay.

↓

Okay, uh...

↓

Well, why don't we

↓

go around the room, or screens, or whatever, and introduce ourselves?

introduce room screens

↓

Hello, my name is Gleb. I am in Bulgaria.

name

↓

Hello, I am Sanjay. I am here in Mumbai, India.

india

↓

- You having trouble? - No.

having having-trouble trouble

↓

Hello. I am Elisabet. I am speaking to you from Estonia.

speaking

↓

Uh, thank you for the...

↓

Whoa!

whoa

↓

It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

↓

-It's fine. I got it. I got it. - Dude.

↓

- I got it. I got it. - You're making a great first impression.

impression

↓

Sorry. Can we go to the... Do the names one more time?

names