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Home » Silicon Valley » S02E09 — Binding Arbitration

Silicon Valley

Season 2, Episode 9 — Binding Arbitration

TMDB episode metadata

Show: Silicon Valley

Episode title: Binding Arbitration

Air date: June 07, 2015

Director: Mike Judge

Top billed cast: Thomas Middleditch, T.J. Miller, Zach Woods, Kumail Nanjiani, Martin Starr, Amanda Crew

When Pied Piper and Hooli enter binding arbitration, Erlich demands to be put on the stand. Meanwhile, Big Head finds himself propped up, and Richard worries Hooli’s claim could have legs.

Source: TMDB

↓

Hey, could we get one more round, please?

round

↓

It's on a tab, Bighetti.

↓

- Sure. Coming up. - Cool. Thanks.

coming cool thanks

↓

Well, well, look who's the big shot.

shot

↓

Yeah, big shot.

shot

↓

How are you guys? Everything good over at Nucleus?

↓

Nucleus is dog shit. How do you do it, man?

↓

You used to be the most useless guy in the entire Nucleus team,

entire team used useless

↓

but now you run an entire division.

division entire

↓

Did you ever ask yourself why?

↓

No. No, I never have.

↓

Do you have any skill at all

skill

↓

other than magically failing your way to the top?

failing magically

↓

I have a boat. I guess that's not really a skill.

boat skill

↓

- Fucking Big Head, man. - Fucking Big Head.

fucking head

↓

Take care.

care

↓

Oh.

↓

Hey. Hey, you forgot your phone.

forgot phone

↓

At least, I think this is your...

least

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Right?

↓

- This is Nucleus? - Yep.

↓

That is a beta of their entire mobile platform,

beta entire mobile platform

↓

and it sucks.

sucks

↓

Yeah. I mean, the UX is, like, Soviet-era.

↓

When it stores photos, they actually get larger.

larger photos stores

↓

They never cracked middle-out.

cracked middle

↓

I actually kind of wish you didn't show me this,

wish

↓

because now I know we totally would have beaten them.

beaten

↓

As it is now, I mean, we can't get funded.

↓

All of our new coders quit.

quit

↓

I mean, can you even imagine what would happen

happen imagine

↓

if, like, a tech blog got their hands on that piece of shit?

hands piece tech

↓

They'd tear it apart.

apart tear theyd

↓

I mean, it could actually totally destroy Nucleus' release.

destroy release

↓

I bet Gavin would do, shit, anything to prevent that from happening, right?

prevent

↓

Yeah, totally.

↓

Jesus, Richard, am I actually ahead of you on this?

ahead jesus richard

↓

Take the phone, man.

phone

↓

- It's yours. Take it. - Are you serious?

serious

↓

Yeah, dude. Come on, I owe you.

↓

I mean, I was about to quit Hooli and move home.

home quit

↓

And then Gavin promoted me just to spite you.

promoted spite

↓

And now, he keeps promoting me for some inexplicable reason.

keeps reason

↓

I mean, I haven't done anything, Richard. I mean, less than nothing.

less richard

↓

- Well, yeah. - But look at me now.

↓

We're sitting on my boat, Richard, and that's because of you.

boat richard sitting

↓

Soon, we can sail it to fucking Hawaii

fucking hawaii sail

↓

or Sausalito.

↓

Three more classes, and I get my boat license.

boat classes license three

↓

Really? How many classes does it take?

classes

↓

Three. It's three classes.

classes three

↓

I heard you can pay somebody to take the test for you,

heard somebody test

↓

but I just haven't got around to it yet.

↓

Enough with your coy bullshit, Richard, okay?

bullshit richard

↓

I know you have my goddamn phone.

goddamn phone

↓

What the fuck do I have to do to get it back?

fuck

↓

Well, I was thinking that in exchange for my help, you...

exchange thinking

↓

I'm sorry, hold on.

↓

You can't use the term "in exchange."

exchange term

↓

it implies causality. That's basically extortion.

implies

↓

Any actions he takes must be un-coerced and of his own volition.

actions must takes

↓

Go.

↓

Hello. It's me again.

↓

I was thinking that if you found your phone,

found phone thinking

↓

you might be so happy that you would be inclined

happy might

↓

- to drop the lawsuit. - Why would I do that?

drop lawsuit

↓

Because if you found your phone,

found phone

↓

that would mean that no tech bloggers or journalists did,

journalists tech

↓

and they couldn't write a scathing review based on what was on it, as it sucks.

based review sucks write

↓

Uh, who knows? It might even cause Hooli stock to crash

crash knows might stock

↓

or certain careers to be ruined.

careers certain ruined

↓

Richard, are you threatening me?

richard threatening

↓

Uh...

↓

Am I threatening you?

threatening

↓

That's a good question.

question

↓

Um...

↓

No.

↓

If you don't give me my fucking phone back, I'm gonna find you,

fucking phone

↓

bend you over your desk and fuck you so hard, your front teeth...

bend desk front fuck hard teeth

↓

Hold on.

↓

You can't threaten them, especially not sexually.

especially sexually threaten

↓

This little shit could cause major damage here.

damage major

↓

What am I allowed to say?

allowed

↓

- Richard, it's me again. - Yes.

richard

↓

Here's my concern.

concern

↓

If my phone ends up in the hands of a journalist,

ends hands phone

↓

Palo Alto Chief of Police, Ed Gaskins,

chief police

↓

who, apropos of nothing, happens to be a close personal friend of mine,

close friend happens personal

↓

would have to go and ask this person where they got my phone.

person phone

↓

Keep in mind, these aren't real journalists, Richard.

journalists mind real richard

↓

They're tech journalists.

journalists tech

↓

Do you think they'd go to prison to protect their source?

prison protect source theyd

↓

I don't either.

↓

And since this phone's OS is a stolen prototype

phones prototype stolen

↓

worth $40 to $60 million, you're looking at felony grand theft, Richard.

felony grand looking million richard theft worth

↓

You could go to jail for 40 years.

jail years

↓

Then again, you'd probably be fine in a full-blown hard time penitentiary.

blown full hard

↓

I mean, after they waxed your rectum

waxed

↓

and knocked out all your front teeth just to make things easier.

easier front knocked teeth

↓

You know, Gavin, if you don't want my help, then I guess we'll just see what happens.

happens

↓

All right, Richard. So, what do we do here?

richard

↓

I don't know. What do we do here?

↓

Paul, are you there?

paul

↓

- Ron? - Hey, buddy,

buddy

↓

Sam and Melinda there, too?

↓

- They are. They say hi. - Hey, Ron.

↓

What up, kids?

kids

↓

Let me hit you back in 10 and we'll sidebar this.

↓

Binding arbitration? What's that?

arbitration binding

↓

Well, it's like a trial, but massively accelerated.

accelerated trial

↓

Next week, we're gonna go in front of a retired judge

front judge retired week

↓

and argue our whole lawsuit in just two days, and then we're done.

argue days lawsuit whole

↓

So, this will all be resolved next week?

resolved week

↓

I've always wanted to go to binding arbitration.

arbitration binding wanted

↓

A weird thing to have always wanted to do.

wanted weird

↓

Everybody who's ever sued me has settled out of court. Pussies.

court everybody pussies settled sued

↓

But now, finally, I'll be able to take the stand, be a part of the big show.

able finally part stand

↓

No show. This is a serious legal proceeding, okay?

legal serious

↓

And speaking to that, Ron LaFlamme has got us a new litigator

speaking

↓

and we are meeting him in an hour.

hour meeting

↓

How are we gonna pay this person?

person

↓

Our guy has agreed to waive his entire fee until our case is resolved.

agreed case entire resolved

↓

It's some wet-behind-the-ears noob straight out of law school.

behind ears school straight

↓

No, he is said to be very experienced, one of the best in the biz.

best experienced

↓

Then why the fuck would he take our case on spec?

case fuck

↓

Was I in possession of cocaine, amphetamines,

cocaine possession

↓

amyl nitrate, also known as "poppers," at the time of my arrest?

arrest known nitrate poppers

↓

In large quantities.

↓

Did I have consensual intercourse with two women under the age of 18?

consensual women

↓

Repeatedly. I admit this.

admit repeatedly

↓

Did I violate the Mann Act and transport them across state lines for sexual purposes?

lines purposes sexual state transport violate

↓

Alleged, but not proven.

alleged proven

↓

And, boy, they tried. They tried.

tried

↓

Therefore, I was incarcerated and I was disbarred.

therefore

↓

Wait, hold on. You were disbarred?

↓

So, you can't practice law?

practice

↓

Not in open court in the State of California. That's correct.

california correct court open state

↓

But this is an arbitration.

arbitration

↓

I'm really grateful for the opportunity.

grateful opportunity

↓

I'm turning my life around.

life turning

↓

I've served my time.

served

↓

Questions?

questions

↓

I guess I have one at least. What does amyl nitrate do?

least nitrate

↓

- Oh, it dilates the anus. - That is accurate.

accurate anus

↓

Also produces euphoria.

↓

- Okay, thank you, Pete and Jared. - Sure.

jared pete

↓

Anal dilation aside, what do you think of our case?

anal aside case

↓

You think we're gonna go in there and just dick-slap those Hooli pieces of shit?

dick pieces slap

↓

I have reviewed your case and it is extremely strong.

case extremely reviewed strong

↓

Thank God.

↓

I do, every day of my life.

life

↓

It's only by his grace that I was able

able grace

↓

to survive that plunge into the ravine and 11 months in a state penitentiary.

months state survive

↓

I'm sorry, were you in an emotional ravine or did you actually go into a ravine?

emotional

↓

Both.

↓

Now, with your approval, I would like to move forward.

approval forward

↓

I currently am not in possession of an office,

currently office possession

↓

and I'm residing in a halfway house,

halfway house

↓

so I would like to give Hooli Legal your home address.

address home legal

↓

Why?

↓

They need to send over their discovery documents,

discovery documents send

↓

all of them.

↓

All of them?

↓

This is craziness.

↓

Couldn't they have just emailed all this?

↓

I mean, it's mostly just printed-out emails, anyway.

emails mostly printed

↓

Yeah, of course, they could have.

course

↓

And it would have been digitally searchable, and that is the point.

point

↓

It's a classic document dump.

classic document dump

↓

But what they didn't take into account is the power of us.

account power

↓

So, grab a box, guys. Start pulling anything you think is relevant.

grab pulling relevant start

↓

And you may have to work pretty hard, but it will free us from this lawsuit.

free hard lawsuit

↓

- Are you saying, "Work will set you free"? - Yes.

free

↓

They have the manpower.

↓

We have the perseverance. Triumph of the will.

triumph

↓

He's the most cheerful person I've ever heard quote Hitler.

heard hitler person quote

↓

So, Hooli's entire intellectual property claim boils down to three simple questions.

boils claim entire intellectual property questions simple three

↓

Did your work on Pied Piper at any time overlap

piper

↓

with your scope of work or Hooli business?

business

↓

Uh, no.

↓

Did you ever do work on Pied Piper on Hooli time?

piper

↓

No.

↓

And at no time did you ever use Hooli equipment

equipment

↓

to develop Pied Piper in any way?

develop piper

↓

No, never.

↓

We're on our way, then. You just tell that honestly to the court, and we're home free.

court free home

↓

Okay.

↓

Unless, of course, you've offered a conflicting version of that to anyone,

course offered version

↓

a friend, your parents, girlfriend.

friend girlfriend parents

↓

No, no, and not possible. I haven't had a girlfriend in, like, three years.

girlfriend possible three three-years years

↓

Boyfriend?

boyfriend

↓

No. I'm not gay, just busy.

busy

↓

- We're not litigating your sexuality. - That's good, yeah.

sexuality

↓

It's a good thing, too, because if we were, we'd all end up in prison.

prison

↓

Am I right?

↓

No offense.

offense

↓

Here, I did a first pass. Let me know what you think.

pass

↓

Just a few questions for you to ask me while I'm on the stand.

questions stand

↓

It's rough clay. We can shape it as we go.

clay rough shape

↓

You realize I have no intention of ever putting you on the stand?

intention putting realize stand

↓

What? Why not?

↓

Well, I just don't think you have anything to offer the case.

case offer

↓

They're trying to say that Pied Piper was created at Hooli,

created piper

↓

whereas I'm living proof that it was created here in my incubator.

created living living-proof proof whereas

↓

I nurtured Richard like a little baby.

baby richard

↓

I was his patron, like the Borgias with Da Vinci.

vinci

↓

Actually, the Medici were Da Vinci's patrons. The Borgias poisoned people.

poisoned

↓

- Say "Medici" again. - Medici.

↓

- Shut the fuck up. - That's how you pronounce it.

fuck pronounce

↓

Let's be clear, okay? The burden of proof falls on Hooli here. And they have none.

burden clear falls proof

↓

You have a Barrett 50-caliber rifle at your disposal

barrett disposal rifle

↓

that you can use to shoot Gavin Belson in the goddamn face.

face goddamn shoot

↓

And you're not gonna use it? What kind of fucking attorney are you?

attorney fucking

↓

Well, technically, I can't refer to myself as an attorney

attorney refer technically

↓

until I'm reinstated and make restitution to my victims' families.

families victims

↓

I'm a lawyer. And I'm a good one.

lawyer

↓

And if you know one end of a Barrett 50-cal from the other,

barrett

↓

I'll eat a bowl of shit.

bowl

↓

Did you get a taste for that on the inside? Mmm?

taste

↓

Hey, guys,

↓

it's been almost two weeks since the mother condor has been to the nest.

mother nest weeks

↓

Do you think something might be wrong with the egg?

might

↓

Something is. It's on our website.

website

↓

No, really. I mean...

↓

I think maybe I should call the museum, see if this is normal.

museum normal

↓

Jared, you want that egg to be alive, right?

alive jared

↓

- Of course. - Well, right now,

course

↓

because you don't know whether it is or not, it exists in both states,

exists states whether

↓

like Schrödinger's cat.

↓

Like what?

↓

It's a quantum mechanics thought experiment

experiment quantum

↓

that an Austrian physicist came up with to help understand quantum states.

quantum states

↓

So, he imagined putting a cat into a box with poisoned food.

food imagined poisoned putting

↓

There's a 50/50 chance the cat eats it.

chance eats

↓

That does sound rather Austrian.

sound

↓

So, according to Schrödinger,

according

↓

if you open the box and confirm that the cat is dead,

confirm dead open

↓

then in a sense, you've killed the cat.

killed sense

↓

Or if you call the museum and get the information,

information museum

↓

then you've killed the egg.

killed

↓

No, that's silly.

silly

↓

Is it?

↓

Okay.

↓

I'm just gonna think about it for a minute.

minute

↓

Richard.

richard

↓

- Yeah? - We have a problem.

problem

↓

What's up?

↓

You and I are going into arbitration tomorrow.

arbitration tomorrow

↓

I need you to look me right in the eye and tell me why you've been lying to me.

lying

↓

I haven't been lying to you.

lying

↓

You told me you haven't had a girlfriend for three years.

girlfriend three three-years years

↓

I have found at least 15 emails to Nelson Bighetti

emails found least nelson

↓

in the last year where you reference a girlfriend.

girlfriend reference

↓

"Spent the day in bed with my girlfriend."

girlfriend spent

↓

"A homeless guy in the coffee shop almost stole my girlfriend."

coffee coffee-shop girlfriend homeless shop stole

↓

It's a joke. Big Head and I,

head joke

↓

we call my laptop my girlfriend

girlfriend laptop

↓

because it's the only warm thing that's touched my crotch in a little while.

crotch touched warm

↓

So, when you said, quote,

quote

↓

"My girlfriend shit the bed last night," that was your laptop?

girlfriend laptop night

↓

Laptop, yeah.

laptop

↓

Well, that's good to hear.

↓

Whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

minute whoa

↓

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Now, listen to this.

minute

↓

April 10th, 11:14 p.m., "Taking my girlfriend to the Apple store."

apple april girlfriend store

↓

April 12th, 3:42 p.m., "Picking my girlfriend up at the mall."

april girlfriend mall picking

↓

Yeah, so?

↓

So, your laptop was in the shop for three days, right?

days laptop shop three three-days

↓

The 10th through the 12th, right?

↓

Yeah, and?

↓

April 11th, 2:48 p.m.,

april

↓

"Ran a test of the perceptual modeler during lunch,

lunch test

↓

"made a few tweaks and wow, it's working on a whole new level."

level tweaks whole working

↓

Yeah, that just means that it's going great, that it's working really well.

working

↓

Richard, Richard,

richard

↓

you didn't have your laptop with you at Hooli.

laptop

↓

What computer did you use to run that test that day?

computer test

↓

Oh...

↓

Shit.

↓

Richard, you didn't use a Hooli computer?

computer richard

↓

Tell me that you didn't use a Hooli fucking computer.

computer fucking

↓

I don't know. Yeah, yeah, okay. Yes, I think I did.

↓

Fuck, I mean, I just used it once, though, right?

fuck used

↓

I mean, that's not a big deal.

deal

↓

It's a huge deal. We're done. That's it.

deal huge

↓

- What's it? - God damn it.

↓

Well, under the law, Hooli can lay claim to the underlying

claim underlying

↓

intellectual property that makes up Pied Piper.

intellectual makes piper property

↓

So, we're fucked now, is that it? We're totally fucked?

fucked

↓

Well, I mean, it all depends on whether or not the attorneys at Hooli

depends whether

↓

figure out that your girlfriend is your laptop.

figure girlfriend laptop

↓

Are you telling us this entire case

case entire telling

↓

hinges on people believing that Richard had a girlfriend?

believing girlfriend richard

↓

We are fucked.

fucked

↓

All right, this is gonna be a long two days,

days

↓

so let's try to keep things brief.

brief

↓

Your Honor, I think I can help speed things along.

along honor speed

↓

We are willing to concede

concede willing

↓

to all the numerous counts brought by Mr. Belson,

brought counts numerous

↓

except the ones regarding the ownership of intellectual property.

except intellectual ones ownership property regarding

↓

Is that right?

↓

On the non-solicit violation,

solicit violation

↓

my client is willing to concede that Donald Dunn was improperly hired.

client concede donald hired willing

↓

And on the unjust enrichment charge,

charge

↓

Richard will agree to repay Hooli

agree repay richard

↓

$39 and 99 cents

cents

↓

for the phone charger that he took home, and so on.

home phone

↓

Thank you, Mr. Monahan, for accelerating the process.

process

↓

Okay, let's start this. Plaintiff?

start

↓

Okay, Richard, here it goes.

richard

↓

They call you first, we're toast.

toast

↓

I think I'm gonna puke.

puke

↓

Your Honor, we'd like to call our first witness.

honor witness

↓

We would like to call Nelson Bighetti, AKA Big Head.

head nelson

↓

Wait, are you sure? 'Cause it says "No Admittance"...

↓

Okay. Yeah, you were right. It's this one.

↓

Is that me?

↓

I'm sorry, Richard.

richard

↓

Firstly, sir, let me say it is a privilege

privilege

↓

to be speaking to someone as accomplished as you.

accomplished speaking

↓

Okay.

↓

You were one of the earliest members of the Pied Piper team, were you not?

members piper team

↓

And since your departure, your rise has been meteoric.

rise

↓

Haven't you received three Hooli promotions in a month?

month received three

↓

Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess that is right.

↓

It seems like everything you touch is made dramatically better, Mr. Bighetti.

seems touch

↓

You make a meaningful and crucial contribution

contribution crucial meaningful

↓

to everything you do, do you not?

↓

Wait. I'm sorry. Do I not?

↓

Are you asking if I do do that or if I don't do that?

asking

↓

This is amazing. They have nothing. It's a desperate play.

amazing desperate

↓

They're trying to build him up,

build

↓

make it seem like he was a crucial part of Pied Piper.

crucial part piper

↓

It's a Hail Mary. They have nothing.

hail hail-mary mary

↓

Because if I don't not do that,

↓

isn't that the same as...

↓

- Let's move on. - Okay.

↓

Is it not true that Wired...

wired

↓

I'll rephrase.

↓

Did Wired magazine run a cover story on you? Yes or no?

cover magazine story wired

↓

Oh, yes.

↓

That did happen, yes.

happen

↓

I think I just made a mistake.

mistake

↓

That was the museum.

museum

↓

I decided to call and check on the condor,

check decided

↓

and they said that it's very unlikely that the condor egg is still alive.

alive unlikely

↓

But my phone call itself

phone

↓

drew their attention to the low viewing numbers

attention drew numbers viewing

↓

and they've decided to take down the cameras today.

cameras decided today

↓

So, by making the phone call, you've most likely killed the condor egg.

killed likely phone

↓

Oh, come on, I mean, that Schrödinger stuff's all just theoretical.

stuffs

↓

- It doesn't apply here. - Doesn't it?

apply

↓

I mean, look at Richard.

richard

↓

He didn't know that he had tested on a Hooli computer

computer tested

↓

until Monahan opened that box of emails, right?

emails opened

↓

So, Richard was both innocent and guilty,

guilty innocent richard

↓

but as soon as Monahan opened that box, it made Richard guilty.

guilty opened richard

↓

But, I mean, by that logic,

logic

↓

anyone who goes to an open-casket funeral is a murderer.

casket funeral murderer open

↓

You are one dark motherfucker, Jared.

dark jared motherfucker

↓

So, Mr. Bighetti, you have stated

↓

that you didn't have anything to do with Pied Piper.

piper

↓

No.

↓

I suppose you'd also say that you had nothing to do with Hooli XYZ either.

suppose

↓

No, not really.

↓

And what about the Hooli AIDS and Cancer Societies,

aids cancer

↓

of which you were president? Did you have anything to do with those?

president

↓

Honestly, not really. I actually remember when they told me I got the AIDS thing,

aids remember

↓

for just a second I thought they were telling me that I had AIDS.

aids second telling

↓

But then I realized, no, I was just the president of the AIDS thingy.

aids president realized thingy

↓

But for a second, it was pretty scary there.

scary second

↓

You see, Your Honor, Nelson Bighetti is pathologically modest.

honor modest nelson

↓

While he humbly denies credit, the record shows

credit record shows

↓

that he had everything to do with all of these achievements.

↓

It may be possible that Nelson actually believes

believes nelson possible

↓

he didn't have that much to do with the founding of Pied Piper either.

piper

↓

'Cause...

↓

But it is painfully obvious that he had a huge hand in it.

hand huge obvious painfully

↓

No further questions, Your Honor.

further honor questions

↓

May I say, Mr. Bighetti,

↓

how refreshing it is to finally encounter someone in the tech community

community encounter finally refreshing tech

↓

who is so free of pretension and ego?

free

↓

Well, that was troubling.

troubling

↓

Yeah, what was that?

↓

It's just that he scored big points with the judge in there.

judge points scored

↓

So, what's our plan? Do we go in there and cross the shit out of him?

cross plan

↓

Tear him a new hole in his butt?

butt hole tear

↓

Let's just remind ourselves here

remind

↓

that he gave me the phone and made this whole thing possible.

phone possible whole

↓

So, let's take it easy on him.

easy

↓

Yeah, I don't think shredding him is the right way to go either.

↓

- Thank you. - It could backfire, turn the judge against us.

judge

↓

I have something else in mind.

mind

↓

Mr. Bachman, are you still prepared to testify?

prepared testify

↓

Fuck yes, I am.

fuck

↓

- Mr. Bachman. - Yes, sir?

↓

You are the owner and sole proprietor

owner sole

↓

of the Palo Alto-based Hacker Hostel

based hacker

↓

in which Mr. Hendricks and Mr. Bighetti both resided. Is that correct?

correct

↓

Yes, sir. That is, in fact, correct.

correct fact

↓

Uh, it has been called the "Garden of Tech Eden."

called garden tech

↓

Is it also fair to say that every instinct you have as a businessman

businessman fair instinct

↓

has been completely and totally wrong?

completely

↓

- Sorry, what? - You hard of hearing, Mr. Bachman?

hard hearing

↓

- No, I've heard everything... - Aren't you considered a joke in this town?

considered heard joke town

↓

I don't quite know where you're going with this.

↓

Nor do I. Can you tell us where you're headed here, Mr. Monahan?

headed

↓

Your Honor, if you are to accept

accept honor

↓

Hooli's reverence for Mr. Bighetti as proof that he's a genius,

genius proof

↓

then you must also accept

accept must

↓

Mr. Bachman's reverence for Mr. Bighetti as proof that he's a moron.

moron proof

↓

I'm simply establishing this type of logic, Your Honor, cuts both ways.

cuts honor logic simply type ways

↓

I see. I'll allow it.

allow

↓

Really? Because I don't think "joke" is...

joke

↓

Mr. Bachman, you have incubated

↓

a seemingly endless string of patently unsuccessful apps, haven't you?

apps endless string unsuccessful

↓

No. No, that is not correct.

correct

↓

I incubated Pied Piper. I saw the value in that.

piper value

↓

Oh, did you? Isn't it true that you were about to evict Mr. Hendricks

↓

until he became the subject of a bidding war?

became bidding subject

↓

You disliked Pied Piper.

piper

↓

The one app in your hostel that showed promise.

promise showed

↓

Well, I think that's a bit harsh. I mean, every...

harsh

↓

In fact, you tried to encourage Mr. Hendricks

encourage fact tried

↓

to change his app to be more like Mr. Bighetti's horrendous app

change

↓

called NipAlert. Isn't that true?

called

↓

Well, yes, I thought NipAlert showed great promise. Yes.

promise showed

↓

It did not show great promise.

promise

↓

What it showed was the location of nearby women possessing erect nipples.

erect location nearby nipples showed women

↓

And as such, Mr. Bighetti's grotesque creation

creation grotesque

↓

was passed over by every investor in this town except you

except investor passed town

↓

because it was perverted.

perverted

↓

Well, I'll admit that... I'll concede that the cultural moment

admit concede cultural moment

↓

may have passed, but at the time...

passed

↓

No, at the time, it was as misogynistic as it is now,

↓

wasn't it, Mr. Bachman?

↓

- It... Yes, it had some major problems... - Some major problems?

major problems

↓

Mr. Bachman, a few moments ago, you said that it showed great promise.

moments promise showed

↓

You said that. I can have the court reporter read it back to you, Mr. Bachman.

court read reporter

↓

I don't need her to read it back to me. I can remember...

read remember

↓

NipAlert was poorly conceived and riddled with bugs, wasn't it?

bugs conceived poorly riddled

↓

Well, all apps in the beginning...

apps beginning

↓

Mr. Bachman, answer the question. You liked NipAlert, and it was terrible.

answer liked question

↓

- No, I... - Didn't you?

↓

- Liking an app... - Mr. Bachman, you liked it, didn't you?

liked liking

↓

Okay, yes, yes! Fine! Yes, I liked it.

liked

↓

Even though it was a terrible app and it had no market potential.

market potential

↓

I was high when he pitched it and I like nipples...

nipples pitched

↓

Thank you, Mr. Bachman.

↓

It was a buggy, rapey piece of shit designed by an idiot.

designed idiot piece

↓

- Mr. Bachman, thank you very much. - It sucked.

sucked

↓

It was so bad that the first time that Richard tried to boot it up on his system,

boot richard system tried

↓

it crashed his laptop. It was in the shop for three days.

crashed days laptop shop three three-days

↓

'Cause it was a piece of shit!

piece

↓

Um... Uh...

↓

That...

↓

I mean, among other things that weren't that

among

↓

were reasons why it was bad.

reasons

↓

No more questions, Your Honor.

honor questions

↓

What the fuck is going on here?

fuck

↓

I don't know what happened.

happened

↓

He got in my head. It's a very uncharacteristic error.

error head

↓

They're calling you next, Richard.

calling richard

↓

They want you on the stand in 10 minutes.

minutes stand

↓

Great. So, they figured it out. We're fucked, aren't we?

figured fucked

↓

It looks that way.

↓

Damn it, they're gonna ask me if I ran a test of Pied Piper

piper test

↓

on a Hooli computer, and I'm gonna have to say yes.

computer

↓

What if you said no?

↓

What are you talking about?

↓

Are you saying I should lie on the stand, or something?

stand

↓

Gentlemen, the less I know about this, the better.

gentlemen less

↓

Well, then it appears we're in good hands, because you don't seem to know shit.

appears hands

↓

You're a mean and terrible attorney.

attorney

↓

I'm not an attorney.

attorney

↓

Richard, all they know

richard

↓

is that you didn't have your laptop when you ran that test,

laptop test

↓

so just tell them that you borrowed my laptop

borrowed laptop

↓

or you came home for lunch and used my computer.

computer home lunch used

↓

Whatever you say, I'll get back on the stand and then back you up.

stand

↓

That would be committing perjury. That would be lying under oath.

committing lying oath

↓

If you don't lie, Richard, you lose.

lose richard

↓

We lose everything.

lose

↓

The company,

company

↓

90% of what could potentially be a billion dollars...

billion billion-dollars dollars potentially

↓

I mean, you know, because I have 10%.

↓

I know. God damn it, I know.

↓

Richard, do the right thing here.

richard

↓

Lie on the stand.

stand

↓

Mr. Hendricks, you are heterosexual, yes?

heterosexual

↓

Uh... Yes.

↓

How long has it been since you were in a relationship

relationship

↓

with a woman, Mr. Hendricks?

woman

↓

Two years? Three?

three years

↓

Yeah, that sounds about right, I guess.

sounds

↓

You're under oath.

oath

↓

Uh...

↓

longer.

longer

↓

So, you've definitely had no girlfriend in the past three years?

girlfriend past three three-years years

↓

This seems needlessly cruel. We all get it.

cruel seems

↓

Mr. Hendricks, when you refer to a girlfriend in these emails to Mr. Bighetti,

emails girlfriend refer

↓

to what are you referring?

referring

↓

MY laptop computer.

computer laptop

↓

The same laptop that Mr. Bachman just told us

laptop

↓

was in the shop for three days

days shop three three-days

↓

from April 10th to the 12th of last year?

april

↓

Yes. Can we get to the point, please?

point

↓

Mr. Hendricks, did you at any time

↓

use a Hooli computer to test and/or alter your Pied Piper algorithm?

algorithm alter computer piper test

↓

You're under oath.

oath

↓

I just...

↓

I just wanted to be different. I wanted Pied Piper to be different.

piper wanted

↓

But if this company is built on lies,

built company lies

↓

then we're really not much different than Hooli.

↓

The law says that I lose everything,

lose

↓

my whole company, everything that I worked for,

company whole whole-company worked

↓

because I used one Hooli computer

computer used

↓

to test and modify one block.

block modify test

↓

Is that right? I mean, is that fair?

fair

↓

To me, if the system says that's fair,

fair system

↓

then I guess I'm probably not meant to be a part of it.

meant part

↓

Mr. Hendricks, please answer the question.

answer question

↓

Did you at any time use a Hooli computer...

computer

↓

Yes. Yeah, I did. I made a mistake and I did.

mistake

↓

I used a Hooli computer to work on my algorithm, one time.

algorithm computer used

↓

And so, here you go.

↓

It's okay, Richard. You don't have to protect me anymore.

anymore protect richard

↓

I'm his girlfriend.

girlfriend

↓

Sit down, Mr. Bachman.

↓

Judge, objection!

judge objection

↓

I was the one that was in the shop for those three days

days shop three three-days

↓

'cause he had hit it so hard, I needed a doctor.

doctor hard needed

↓

Sit down, Mr. Bachman.

↓

Hey, has anyone heard from Richard?

heard richard

↓

Should I text him to see how the arbitration's going?

text

↓

Uh... You can.

↓

But right now, it's going both well and poorly.

poorly

↓

And if you get definitive information back and it's bad,

definitive information

↓

I could argue that you have effectively caused us to lose the arbitration.

arbitration argue caused lose

↓

Oh. He's taking it down.

↓

All right, I am unclipped. If you're watching, I'm sorry.

watching

↓

I'm gonna go ahead and leave this egg here.

ahead go-ahead

↓

This camera does need to come down.

camera

↓

That's good. He's leaving the egg.

leaving

↓

The bolts are all rusted out here.

bolts

↓

You should have never called that museum, Jared.

called jared museum

↓

They're on there pretty good.

↓

Holy shit.

holy

↓

Jared, you just killed that guy.

jared killed

↓

I just got a text from Richard. I'm not gonna read it.

read richard text